Frasier s08e16 Episode Script


And sadly, no one was able to answer today's psychological mind teaser.
So once again, the prize goes unclaimed.
By the way, today's answer was anhedonia.
This is Dr.
Frasier Crane saying good day, Seattle, and good mental health.
[WHISTLES] That was a real brain bender, doc.
The idea is to let people win once in a while.
Oh, please, Kenny, I will not pander.
When some lucky individual looks at his prize, I want him to be able to say, "I earned this.
" - It's an Antenna Ball.
- Well - Oh, Roz, I got some good news.
- What? Your documentary is a go.
Oh, that's great.
Thank you, Kenny.
KENNY: Congratulations.
- Roz, you're doing a documentary? I've been wanting to do something on my own, so I thought I'd do a special on space, what with it being 2001 and all.
We're gonna do the Cassini mission to Saturn and telerobotics.
- That kind of stuff.
- You got a show.
You got a show.
I don't know who to kiss up to anymore.
- You don't have to kiss up to anyone.
- I wish I didn't.
So, Roz, you're a space nerd.
Well, I wouldn't go that far.
There is just something about rockets though.
Roz? Sounds like your show could be a portal through which we can glimpse the promise of the future.
A promise lit by a billion stars.
Godspeed, Roz Doyle.
You wouldn't be hoping to narrate this, would you? Me? Well, actually, I was gonna ask you, but I was afraid it might be kind of awkward, you working for me.
You've been my boss for eight years.
I wasn't sure if you could handle it.
Oh, Roz, pooh.
I welcome a little role reversal.
It will do our relationship a lot of good.
As long as your promise won't be a problem.
Of course not.
Gosh, you know, actually, I'm kind of excited.
You may not know this, but as a tyke, I had my heart set on space flight.
Tragic, isn't it, how a child's dreams can be squashed by a single ride on a diabolically speedy Tilt-a-Whirl? [DOORBELL RINGS] Oh, jeez.
- Hey.
MARTIN: Hey, Niles.
Just in time for chilli.
It's my best batch all week.
Do you ever miss vegetables? For your information, College, the bean is a vegetable.
So, what's new with Daphne? How are things at the fat farm? - It's a spa.
MARTIN: Oh, sorry.
How are things at the fat spa? Fine, fine.
She's doing very well.
She's losing weight and gaining friends.
Dad, I had an idea about something you and I could do together.
Did you happen to read the arts and leisure section today? The jumble? Did it.
"A good man is hard to find.
" Actually, I was thinking of something a little loftier.
Dad, do you remember when Frasier was in college, a little tradition you and I had every spring? - Oh, the kite festival? - Mm-hm.
- I thought they didn't do that anymore.
- They're bringing it back this year.
I want us to enter just like old times.
Oh, we made some good kites, didn't we? Oh, great kites.
The Blue Baron.
- The Screaming Mimi.
- Mm-hm.
The Shield of Perseus.
- You came up with that, didn't you? - Thank you.
So, what do you say? You wanna do it? I'd love to, Niles, but I can't fly kites anymore, not with my hip.
Let me be your hip.
We'll build it together, and then I'll fly it.
I'm old enough now.
Well, what the hell? You know, I'm gonna go make some sketches.
You know, I always wanted to try a dragon.
That's a great idea.
We'll name it Fafner after Siegfried's fiery nemesis.
Maybe we'll just make a fish.
Before we get started on script, I have a couple of production notes.
Can you get 40 seconds of the Mir transmissions? - No problem.
- Hello, everyone.
I'm terribly sorry I'm late.
Please, continue.
Lead on, maestra.
Kenny's only giving me a couple of hours to record, so we'll do the big chunks first.
[MOUTHING WORDS] If we have time at the end of session, we'll tape promos.
- What are you doing? - I'm sorry, Roz.
I was just looking for a little caffeine kick-start.
- Can it wait until we have a break? - Yes, it can.
You're the maestra.
Can you please stop calling me that? - Does everybody have the scripts? - Right.
Got it, got it.
Okay, now, I think basically we're in good shape, but I felt like it dragged a little in the middle.
- Any thoughts? - I agree.
Maybe we should talk about the social aspects.
The panic that spread through the schools, because we weren't emphasising space.
Oh, I like that.
Good idea.
What about the space programme as a tool for the politicians? - Good angle.
- Yeah.
These are great ideas.
Keep them coming.
I thought we might intercut between Russian and American programmes and build up the tension of the space race.
I don't think so.
What about that dog the Russians sent up? I love that.
People like dogs.
How about those chimps? I don't know.
I mean, this isn't Zoo in Space.
So it looks like we're filled out in the middle here.
So I think we're doing okay.
- What, Frasier? - Well, it's just a teeny thing, Roz.
I was thinking that seeing as how it is the jumping-off place for the future, that we might devote two segments to the International Space Station.
Thanks, but I've worked this out very specifically.
You know, I was thinking, we can combine the stuff about the manned and unmanned missions into one segment and spread out the space station.
Oh, I like that.
Good idea, B.
I just said that.
Oh, well, I didn't hear you.
You must have heard me, Roz, because you said no.
Frasier, let's move on, shall we? Okay, let's talk music.
What if we led off the programme with that music from 2001: A Space Odyssey? Home run, B.
[CHUCKLING] [FRASIER STAMMERING] What is it, Frasier? Well, not to belittle your suggestion, B.
, which I love.
It's just that that particular piece of music has been a bit I don't know, a bit overused.
And it occurs to me that perhaps an equally evocative, less familiar piece of music might better serve.
Thank you.
- Like "The Planets" by Holst? - Exactly.
It's a little less on the nose.
What about Phillip Glass? You know, go completely minimalist.
Yes, like space.
Now we're cooking.
- People - Ever listened to Sun Ra? - Or period music? Like hits from 60s.
FRASIER: This is good.
When we're covering the American programme, we can use music like Copland.
Better yet, Charles lves.
- For the Russians, we can use - Shostakovich.
- Let's do it.
- Frasier.
Can I talk to you for a second? Well, yes, of course, Roz.
You're the boss.
- Be back in five, everybody.
- Yeah.
Listen, let me give you just one little piece of advice.
I find that when I'm in a leadership position, the best way to rally my staff What staff? I'm your staff, and I've been listening to you for eight years.
And I would like for you to listen to me for a change.
- And I support that.
- Then shut up! Well I'm not sure that's a wise tone to take.
You don't want to lose your narrator.
Is that a threat? Well, I'm just saying that alienating me isn't probably in the best interest of the show.
Well, maybe the show would be better off without you.
Well, then, maybe I should just leave the show.
Well, maybe that's what the show wants you to do.
Well, then, the show can bite me! I realise I've gone on here a bit, Fred, so let me try to boil this down for you.
If you want to be a good leader, you've got to be able to admit when you're wrong.
No one ever stood so tall as when he or she stooped to say I'm sorry.
FRED: What's that got to do with my fear of intimacy? Which brings to mind another phrase: There is none so blind as he or she who will not see.
We'll be right back after the news.
ROZ: Subtle, Frasier.
But just so you know, I do not owe you an apology.
You were trying to take over my show and that's why I fired you.
You did not fire me.
I quit.
But at this late date, Roz, you should be spared the burden of having to replace me.
So why don't we agree to put aside our egos and continue with the programme? I've already replaced you.
Oh, Roz, you've gone with an also-ran.
Who is it? John Glenn.
- The astronaut? - Yes.
- The senator? - Yes.
The John Glenn, American hero.
So I take it there was no one available with any previous radio experience.
MARTIN: Loosen up, son.
That's the way.
Relaxed but firm.
It's not a fight, it's a persuasion.
Okay, Dad, I am ready.
I wanna take her to the park.
Out of the question.
Well, I have to practise in real-life conditions.
I can't keep running up and down the halls.
No, it's too windy.
All right.
Well Can I at least hang her off the balcony so we can see how she looks? Niles, what kind of dope are you smoking? The updraft would pull you off your feet.
You know, you've got a lot to learn.
This isn't like driving a car, you know? It takes practise and concentration.
Hey, Fras.
Did you get things all patched up with Roz? On the contrary.
Every time I offer her an olive branch, she snaps it in two, sets it on fire and writes no with the ashes.
She had the temerity to call me overbearing.
This time, the wound is deep, my friends, bone deep.
- Well, maybe FRASIER: Yes, sometimes I am forceful with my opinions, but that is only because I'm passionate and right.
And passionate about being right.
Overbearing, as if.
- Well, she probably wants to FRASIER: It's insupportable, Dad.
She went out and got John Glenn to replace me.
- The astronaut? - Yes, yes, the American hero.
- John Glenn, he's perfect.
- Oh, moon dust and starshine, Dad.
Yes, he's been to space.
But does he have the voice, the savvy, the radio charisma? Batten down the kite, Niles.
It's really starting to blow hard in here.
Frasier, your issues notwithstanding, getting John Glenn is quite a coup for Roz.
John Glenn is just a space-age Band-Aid, Niles.
And Roz is using it to cover up this enormous authority issue she has with me, which she persists in denying.
You're right, Niles, it's time for action.
I've got to show her once and for all that I am not some meddler and she is only being paranoid.
I'll be in my room plotting some way to prove it.
[WHIMPERING] I'm Fafner.
[WIND HOWLING] [BARKING] All I know is that a couple of your clowns wired up the dish a month ago, and now I can't even see the news.
Now, I do a lot of TV watching and I don't wanna have to take my business elsewhere, but I will.
[IMITATES STATIC CRACKLING] Can't hear you, sorry.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] - Senator? - Yes.
I'd like to introduce myself.
I'm Dr.
Frasier Crane.
- Oh, glad to meet you.
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
I was the previous narrator on the documentary.
That's a fascinating story.
You've heard her side of the story.
Maybe someday you'll hear mine.
Well, I was talking about space travel.
[CHUCKLES] It was good of you to step aside, though.
- You have a scheduling conflict? - Yes, unfortunately.
The Opera Guild's annual football tournament.
Well, I'm the quarterback.
Look, anyway, if you wouldn't mind indulging me, - Sure.
- I have a few suggestions that I didn't have a chance to run by Roz.
Here we are.
Now, this first one is about a Seattle man who took his two sons to the roof to see if they could spot Friendship 7 flying by.
Was that you? That's very perceptive of you, sir.
Yes, that was me, my father and my brother.
I thought a story from glory days of space might help to launch the show.
You know, that sounds great.
I'll bring that up to Roz.
About that, it's probably best that Roz never know we had this conversation.
Why not? Well, you see, any suggestion that came from me right now, Roz would be inclined to shoot down.
And she's a little ticked off at me for dropping out.
Well, you know, I don't like to go behind someone's back.
Oh, we're not going behind anybody's back.
Even if we were, it's only temporary so At any rate, it is for the good of the show.
Well, okay, I'll look through these things.
- I'll bring them up to her.
- That's terrific.
Thank you.
It was a pleasure to meet you.
- Thank you.
Good to see you.
- Take care.
Oh, senator, what are you drinking there, Tang? Two minutes and 20 seconds.
A new record.
So let me get this cued up and we'll be ready.
JOHN: Sounds great.
- All right.
- Frasier, what are you doing here? - Roz, I'm just observing.
If you want me to go, I will.
But you have to admit, this is sort of a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
Fine, but no talking.
Okay, senator, we're rolling.
Roz, I have an idea if you're interested.
I heard the nicest story about a Seattle man who took his two sons up on the roof of the house to try and see my Mercury spacecraft come over.
I love that.
Yeah, well, I thought you'd like that one.
And then if we could get some of the old mission broadcasts, maybe we could use those for background.
You are full of great ideas.
I'm full of good ideas.
Frasier, what are you doing? You agreed to two of my suggestions, which proves your problem - is with me and not with them.
- I'm sorry.
Frasier, get out.
It's all right.
The senator and I are old friends.
I took the liberty of running a few irresistible ideas by him, so that I prove my point and let you come clean.
That's not what you told me.
You used me.
I'm sorry, senator, but if I used you, it was only as the swift and terrible sword of justice.
It's terrible, all right.
And outrageous.
You said these were your ideas.
Why'd you do it, Senator Glenn? I was misled and I feel awful and And you know, it's not like me to be that underhanded.
It's all right.
Frasier, get in my booth.
I am so sorry, Senator Glenn.
Well, I'm the one that's sorry.
It's my nature to be honest and Now, listen up, Roz.
I'm gonna tell you what I did this for.
Back in those glory days, I was very uncomfortable when they asked us to say things that I didn't want to say and deny other things.
I am so mad at you, Frasier.
FRASIER: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm mad too, so just bring it on.
Some people ask, you know, "Were you alone out there?" We never gave the real answer.
And yet, we've seen things out there, strange things.
This is my project and I asked you not to try to take control, and now you've gone behind my back and done just that.
But you didn't even give me a fair shake.
It was because I was trying to protect myself because you can be so bossy sometimes.
But we know what we saw out there and we couldn't We couldn't really say anything.
And the bosses were scared of this.
They were afraid of War of the Worlds type stuff.
And about panic in the streets, and so we had to keep quiet.
And now we only see these things in our Well, in our nightmares or maybe in the movies.
And some of them are pretty close to being the truth.
FRASIER: All right, Roz, I'll admit that maybe I was being a little too assertive, all right? But the least you could do is admit that perhaps you were a bit defensive.
[WHOOSHING] Well, maybe you're right.
But it was because I was trying to prove that I could do this on my own, so I was shutting you out.
I admit it.
It was unfair, and I apologise.
Oh, Roz, come on.
Our friendship is more important to me than this documentary.
Oh, it is to me too, Frasier.
Look, about what I just said out there, can we just keep that between us? Oh, of course, senator.
Good, well Wait, you were recording all that? Yeah, that's okay.
We've got plenty.
I'm gonna need that tape.
He's a little tightly wound.
Looks like maybe somebody should cut back on the old Tang.
- That's a good one, Frasier.
- Oh, thanks, Roz.
Whenever you're ready, senator.
"Since the dawn of time, man has gazed skyward and dreamed of reaching the stars"