Frasier s09e04 Episode Script

The Return of Martin Crane

We have Tom on the phone from Woodinville.
Hello, Tom.
I'm listening.
TOM [OVER PHONE]: I thought I'd never get through.
I have a problem and I don't know what to do.
I'm supposed to get married soon but I'm having second thoughts.
- You think it's just cold feet, or what? - All right, Tom, just calm down.
Let's work through this thing together, you and I.
Are you in love with this girl? TOM: Of course, yes.
I think.
Now, remember, Tom, this is the person with whom you'll be spending the rest of your life.
- That is a long time.
TOM: It is, isn't it? Ah, yes.
Getting married is probably the biggest decision you will make in your life.
It requires time, temperance and thought.
[ORGAN PLAYING "WEDDING MARCH" OVER PHONE] - Tom, what's that music? TOM: Sorry, there's no time to talk.
- I have to tell Monica the bad news.
- Wait, wait, wait, Tom, no.
[DIAL TONE HUMS] Oh, dear.
Well, if anyone out there happens to know Monica, just tell her to call in on Monday, I'll move her right to the head of the line.
Meanwhile, this is Dr.
Frasier Crane, saying good day and good mental health.
[SIGHS] - Please, Roz.
- No way.
Come on, I wouldn't be asking if it wasn't an emergency.
- Is everything okay? - Yeah, fine, good.
Everything's good.
I'm supposed to stop on the way home and pick up some new underthings for my wife.
- So? - "So"? Every time I'm in one of those places, I start thinking about You know.
Man-and-wife stuff.
I turn all red, I start to sweat, I hyperventilate.
Try getting somebody to wait on you when you look like that.
Well, sorry, Kenny, but I am not going to Victoria's Secret for you.
Victoria's Secret? Whoa, whoa, Rockefeller.
I'm talking Kmart.
- No.
- Before you say no, let me remind you - that employee-evaluation season's - Kenny.
Roz Doyle is no gofer.
She is a producer, and if she should earn a promotion, which she richly deserves, it'll be based upon her merits as a producer.
Fine.
I'll go myself.
Why do they have to make those mannequins so damn sexy? - Dr.
Crane? - Yes? - Your cake's ready.
- Oh, splendid.
Well, let's just have a look here.
Hmm.
"Congrats.
" It's supposed to say "Congratulations, Dad.
" There wasn't room.
People have written the Declaration of Independence on a grain of rice.
Not with frosting.
Listen, my father's starting a new job this evening.
This is to show him how proud we are, how much we care, and that we believe in him, all right? It has to be special.
If it was so special, how come you ordered the smallest one? We're also having ice cream, if you must know.
Fine.
You can pick it up in half an hour.
Thank you.
Oh, wait, I haven't got half an hour to Roz? - You want me to pick up the cake? - Oh, bless you.
Oh, and could you pick up some ice cream on your way over too? That's a love.
Bye.
[FOOTSTEPS] [DOOR OPENS] DAPHNE: Hello, honey.
Heh-heh.
NILES: Mm.
- I have a surprise for you.
- I have a surprise for you too.
[DAPHNE CHUCKLING] Oh, my God.
Tickets to the Billy Joel concert.
Tickets to the Mongolian Music Festival? That's four solid hours of throat-singing.
Oh-ho.
How in the world did you did you get these? Oh, well, I know a guy who knows a guy, who has a friend who was able to pull a few strings.
- How did you get these? - I called the box office.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- No, no, thank you.
- When is it? Ha-ha-ha.
- When is it? Ah.
[IN UNISON] Tonight.
DAPHNE: Ooh.
NILES: Oh.
Well So, um, which one shall we attend? Well, it's always been a dream of mine to see Billy Joel live.
Yes.
But has it been a lifelong dream like my dream of seeing Mongolian throat-singers? Yes, but didn't we just do a you-thing last week when we went to the opera? - Yes.
- Mm-hm.
But you're forgetting the next night we rented Mrs.
Doubtfire, which was definitely a you-movie.
Except they didn't have it, so we rented Tampopo, which I believe we found in the you-section.
And we listened to NPR on the way there and on the way back.
Don't think I didn't notice that.
All right, perhaps I have been a bit piggish lately.
We'll see Billy Joel.
But I am not going in any mosh pit.
Okay.
Ha, ha.
Wow, look at you, Mr.
Security Guard.
Yes, beware criminals.
Martin Crane is back on the streets.
Yeah.
Actually, Martin Crane is sitting on his butt in a fancy lobby - staring at a bunch of monitors.
NILES: Oh.
[NILES AND DAPHNE LAUGHING] - Daph, are any of these navy blue? - Here, I can help you with that, Dad.
Daphne, would you? Would you get us some coffee? Sure.
Dad, uh, are you ready for all this? You know, going back to work? Niles, we talked about this.
It's only three nights a week.
Oh, I know, I know.
But you're going through your old routine: Putting on the badge, going back on duty.
You're even gonna be working with some of your old friends from the force.
Just be aware, it might bring up buried memories.
Like what? Well, last time you worked, some crazy person pointed a You know, at you, and you were almost You ended up in the Well, you could have actually Well, I just I probably You're gonna have a lot of issues.
Well, thanks for being concerned, Niles, but trust me, I don't have any buried memories.
I remember every detail of that day.
Frank and I were near the end of our shift.
He wanted to get a drink.
I said no, but he was thirsty.
So we go to a convenience store.
There's a robbery in progress.
I get shot.
It was a hell of a thing.
Sure was.
Well, I gotta get going.
The guys are taking me out - for dinner before my first shift.
- Dad, you can't leave yet.
We're having a little sendoff party.
Frasier's on his way with the cake.
- Here's your coffee, Mr.
Crane.
- Thanks, Daph.
WAITRESS: Here's your coffee, Marty.
- Thanks, doll.
Gonna carry that fish around all day? Hey, he has a name.
That's Eddie.
Why don't you get yourself a real pet? You know, like a dog? No, I'm not really a dog person.
I just wanted someone in the family I could get along with.
Did I tell you Frasier's not coming home for Thanksgiving? Yeah, you did.
And have I told you about my weekly Sunday brunch with Niles and Maris? Yeah, you have.
[SIGHS] Rather be at church.
You get more to eat.
Hey, speaking of Niles, isn't that him? [MOUTHING INDISTINCTLY] Hey, Niles, take a load off.
What's up? You know very well what's up.
Maris just called me.
You booted her car.
Oh, yeah, I remember having a car booted earlier.
It was parked kind of close to a hydrant.
Was that hers? The licence plate says "Maris.
" It's a very common name, right, Frank? My mother's name is Maris.
Dad, Maris is very upset.
And so am I.
Can't believe you booted her.
Hey, I wouldn't be upset if you booted her.
[FRANK LAUGHING] Come on.
Niles, she's loaded.
She'll probably just ditch it and go buy another one.
That's not the point.
I think you owe her an apology.
Good day, Frank.
You booted a car just to irritate your kid? Now, that's a lot of trouble.
No, the real trouble was getting four guys to pick it up and move it closer to the hydrant.
DAPHNE: Here you are.
- Oh, thanks.
Honey, get a picture of your father with his Thermos.
Oh, enough with the pictures.
People didn't make this much fuss when I shipped off to Korea.
Well, Dad.
- Very snappy.
- Uh-huh.
Where's the cake? Roz will be bringing it by in a minute.
Hey, Frasier, if you're interested, I have two tickets to tonight's throat-singing concert.
Don't toy with me, Niles.
- What the hell is throat-singing? - Well.
Dad, it's an extraordinary technique where a single vocalist can produce two distinct tones simultaneously, allowing him to harmonize with himself.
Kind of like the Everly Brothers.
If they shared a throat and came from Mongolia, yes.
Niles, why aren't you going? He's taking me to see Billy Joel.
Billy Joel? He's the Piano Man.
Seeing as how you're otherwise occupied, I guess I'll try to just wrangle myself a date.
Wait a minute.
Who's gonna walk Eddie? I told you he has to be walked every night at 10.
Yes, yes, of course, Dad.
Of course, Dad.
Well, you know, customarily this would fall under the description of Daphne's job.
Customarily, Dr.
Crane, it's not my job.
I do it as a favour for your father.
- Will you do it as a favour for me? - No.
You know, Frasier, you could catch the first two hours of throat-singing - and still get back to walk Eddie.
- Oh, Niles, you know damn well their throats are just warming up after two hours.
- Well, I'm not missing Billy Joel.
- Gee, I hate to put you all out like this.
FRASIER: Dad, I'm sorry.
Don't worry, we'll work this out.
I promise.
Say, what about that nice Mrs.
Kurtzman who lives right across the hall? She's 94.
Someone comes to walk her every day.
There's got to be somebody on God's green earth that can walk this dog.
[DOORBELL RINGS] [IN UNISON] Roz.
Cake here.
Yes.
You know, Roz, we were just talking about you.
Uh, say, listen, are you busy this evening? - No.
- Oh, that's terrific news.
Well, then you won't mind coming by and walking Eddie about 10:00? Forget it, Frasier.
I am not your assistant.
I am a producer.
A producer doesn't give up her evenings to walk a dog.
Would a senior producer walk a dog? Well, someone has gotta walk this damn dog.
All right, that's enough.
You all said you'd be supportive if I went back to work.
ALL: We have been supportive.
Yeah, for the first 2 or 3 seconds until it gets inconvenient, then all you think about is yourself.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm not in the party mood.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] MARTIN: What do you want? ROZ: It's me, Roz.
Oh, come on in.
FRASIER: Are you people insane? How can paper beat a rock? Oh, I'm really looking forward to getting out of the house.
Well, I didn't want you to go before I had a chance to give you this.
Oh, you didn't have to do that.
Ha-ha-ha.
A tie pin.
Oh, look at the little handcuffs.
Well, we don't want that tie to escape.
[MARTIN CHUCKLES] Thanks, Roz.
- So it's a big day, isn't it? - Mm-hm.
- You feeling good? - Oh, I feel better than that.
I feel useful.
Been a long time.
You know, when I was a cop, we used to make fun of security guards.
Guess now I'm gonna have to make fun of crossing guards.
[PHONE RINGS] - Who do crossing guards make fun of? - I don't know.
Uh, kids, I guess.
Ha, ha.
Hello? Oh, hey, Frank.
Yeah, got my W-4.
Uh, listen, I wanna thank you again, uh, for getting me in.
You know, I know you had to push, what with my hip and all and No, I'm just thanking you again, that's all.
That's not mushy.
Huh? Oh, that's too bad.
Okay, well, maybe next time.
Night.
What's too bad? Well, a bunch of us are going out for dinner, but one guy can't make it.
Evidently he got called to check on a possible perv at the Kmart.
I gotta tell you, Roz, hanging out with a bunch of guys again is Well, it's something I've really missed.
Well, I am happy for you, Martin.
Thanks, Roz.
DAPHNE: Let's just all leave, and then Roz will have to walk him.
ROZ: Hey.
FRANK: Hey, Marty.
We got a Code 9 over here on the right.
Are you blind? She's a Code 7 at best.
Uh, now, am I mistaken, or is she swerving? I'm not pulling her over, Frank.
The last time we did that, you ended up in divorce court.
Did I tell you? Frasier's not coming home for Thanksgiving.
Yeah, you did.
Means I'll have to spend it with Maris and Niles.
Last time she didn't even eat anything.
She just sucked air through a rice cake.
Humph.
Boy, he sure picked a winner.
Marty, you sound like a broken record.
I get it.
You can't stand your kids.
No, no, they can't stand me.
Well, maybe you gotta be the one that takes the first step.
You know, reach out.
And most importantly, listen.
Not just with your ears, but with your heart.
What the hell are you talking about? I'm seeing a court-appointed family therapist.
I have to admit, it's only been a few sessions, but she is hot.
You've come a long way.
I think it's making me a better dad, you know? I'm getting involved with school stuff, I talk to them at the end of the day.
I make sure I kiss them goodbye before I go to work.
Hmm.
You really do that? According to Dr.
Hottie, you have to make an effort.
Ha.
You know what I should do? What? I ought to just call Frasier out of the blue and see how he's doing.
Niles too.
Probably think I was dying or something.
You should.
Yeah.
That's what I'm gonna do.
I'll do it tonight.
Good for you, Marty.
Hey, can we stop? - I need to get another Slushee.
- You just got that one.
I got rinds in it.
All right, but I'll go in and get it.
You stay here and clean this mess up.
Good news, Dad.
We worked it out.
- You did? - Yes.
Listen, Dad, I'm sorry.
I hope our little tiff didn't spoil the occasion.
We're all so proud of you.
I want you to know that.
Thanks, son.
So who's walking Eddie? I am.
If I take him now, I have time to make the concert, and he'll be okay until they come back.
I told you, he's gotta be walked around 10:00.
That's his routine.
Well, can't his routine just bend a little? Fine.
Then I hope your Berber carpet is waterproof.
- Hey, hey, what's wrong? - Apparently his nibs will explode if he doesn't go at out around 10.
Okay, okay, okay.
How's this? I will stay and walk Eddie.
- Really? - You just don't want to see Billy Joel.
Ugh.
That is patently untrue.
I'm just trying to help my father.
Well, if he isn't going, can I? Well, that would work perfectly.
Since you're free, I've got this extra ticket for the throat-singing.
- Oh.
- Well, then it's settled.
FRASIER: Ha, ha.
- Eddie.
Oh, dear.
All right, okay, okay.
We will work this out, Dad.
DAPHNE: So, what happens when your nibs explode? FRANK: You should see it, Marty.
They're using your rookie picture on the news.
Ugh.
What's all the fuss about? It's only my hip.
Ten bucks says I'll be back on the job in a couple weeks.
I just keep thinking, you know, it should have been me.
Can I do anything to make you more comfortable? I'm fine, thanks.
Seriously, it should have been me.
[MARTIN CHUCKLES] Hey, Frank.
- Hello, Dad.
- Niles.
How are you? How are you feeling? I think I'm gonna be fine.
Well, thank God.
- Well, I better get going.
- Oh, no.
- Don't go on my account.
- No, Frank.
No, you guys got plenty of things to talk about.
Listen.
I'll never drink another Slushee again.
Well, then, it was worth it.
See you.
[NILES SIGHS] Just got off the phone with Frasier.
He is flying in.
Good.
Doc says I'll be out of here in a couple of days.
Good.
They have a great staff here.
Mm.
I knew this was gonna happen someday.
Hey, it comes with the territory.
I'll never understand how you can take these risks.
No, you probably won't.
I'm sorry, visiting hours are over.
Um, thank you.
Well Ugh.
- I'll be back tomorrow.
- Okay.
All right, we're running out of time.
I'll tell you what.
I will offer a hundred dollars to anyone willing to walk this dog.
I'll kick in a hundred.
That's $200.
That's an awful lot of money, isn't it? It sure is, Frasier.
- All just to walk a little dog.
- Yes.
Mm-hm.
- I can't believe you tried to buy me off.
- Ow.
- You too.
- Ow.
I'm leaving.
NILES: You misunderstood completely - Shut up.
You ought to be ashamed.
I can't even depend on my own kids.
- But, Dad - You two, come here.
We're sorry.
Frasier started it.
I'm going to work now.
I'll be home late.
Don't wait up.