Frasier s11e04 Episode Script

The Babysitter

Oh, now look at that couch.
Now this is something you could consider for your new office, although I'm not sure how well-- what is that-- sort of linen is going to wear Oh, you know what I'm going to wear to the opera fund-raiser on Friday night or is it Saturday? I'll check my book .
A lovely linen shirt with my new Zegna suit.
That's a funny word, "Zegna.
" The "g" is silent.
Silent "g" like lasagna.
Niles? Yes? Do you notice that? You've been awfully chatty lately.
No, but Daphne mentioned it to me this morning.
Ooh, what about this one? Frasier, you really must make a decision.
We've been to six stores already.
Oh, and that reminds me.
I must cancel our squash game tomorrow Don't you hear that? Yes, now that you mention it, I do.
It's sort of like a nervous tic of some kind .
I wonder what could be causing it.
Well, let's see-- you do have a baby on the way.
Perhaps your incessant jabbering is just a way of distracting yourself from this life-changing event.
How could I have missed something so obvious? Well, it's not so hard to believe.
You were 1 5 before you realiZed there was a correlation between getting beaten up every day and going to school in a Panama hat.
(whispering) : Niles! Mm-hmm.
Does that woman look familiar to you? No, but you know what does? This couch we're back where we started.
Will you pick something? Oh, my God.
That's Ronee Lawrence.
Who? She used to baby-sit for us.
Oh, my God.
I-I had a crush on her.
She's the first girl to ever break my heart.
I used to watch her through the banister making out with her boyfriend chad.
Ronee Lawrence she's the fiend who told me all those ghastly bedtime stories about tiny insects that would crawl into my ears and eat my brain.
Earwigs.
I-I wore a football helmet to bed for a month after that.
Yes, yes, I know.
You really had Dad's hopes up there for a while.
Excuse me are you Ronee Lawrence? Well, that's what it says on my driver's Wait a sec.
Frasier? Hello, Ronee.
Oh, my God, it is you! Good to see you.
Niles and I were just Niles oh, my God.
Little nervous Niles.
I can't believe it! Well, it's all terribly true.
Wow, you look fantastic.
Oh, well, it's a lot of work.
Of course it is-- you know, exercise, dieting No, I've had a lot of work.
Every time anything sags, drags or bags, I get Dr.
Goldman right on top of it.
And then I call a plastic surgeon.
Oh that's funny.
Well, it's nice running into you.
FRASIER: Oh, Niles, we've got a moment, I think.
So what have you been up to? Oh, I sing and play the piano at the Wellington Hotel.
Oh, great, great.
Of course I know what you do, Mr.
Big - Time Radio Shrink.
Well, actually, I'm getting ba into private practice as well.
In fact, we're here today, picking out a couch for my new office.
I saw you checking out the Barcaloungers.
You buying a chair for your husband? Only if it's wired for electricity.
We're divorced.
Oh oh, well You know, you must come by the house to do a proper catch-up.
I know my Dad would love to see you again.
RONEE: Actually, I'm free tonight.
Well, then how about cocktails around 7:00? I'm at the Elliot Bay Towers on the counterbalance.
Great.
It'll be just like old times, except you get to stay up late.
Hey, Niles, do you remember when I used to tell you those scary bedtime stories? No, not really.
Yeah, you thought there were earwig eggs on all the furniture and you started taking one of those hankies out and wiping off all the chairs before you'd sit in them because you were afraid that whoo-whoo-whoo.
Nothing still.
I'm sorry.
I'm glad.
For a while there, I was afraid that maybe I'd scarred you for life.
Bloop.
Well, I gotta run.
I'll see you guys tonight.
All right.
Bye.
(laughing) Okay, go ahead, Niles.
Oh, she put her fingers in my ears I understand.
Yeah, give it a good wipe.
That's it.
So, Frasier, did you find a couch? No.
I must have tested 1 00 for him.
You know, have some sympathy, Niles.
Obviously my foot-dragging is a kind of avoidance.
After all, I haven't been in private practice for 1 2 years.
Maybe I don't have the skills anymore.
Don't worry.
Your patients will never notice.
Well, if he doesn't pick a couch soon, his patients will be lying on the floor.
What is this? Oh, it's olive tapenade, mmm.
You're going to an awful lot of trouble for a "drop by sometime" kind of evening.
Here, Daphne, try this one Oh, try one Oh-oh-oh, spring rolls.
Oh, we found the best chinese restaurant Niles! Sorry, darling.
Still got the gift of gab, I see.
I really don't know why you insisted we be here tonight.
I just didn't want Ronee to think I was coming on too strong.
I was hoping this reunion might start a countdown toward a future lift-off from cape crane-averal.
If you tortured that metaphor any more, you'd be before a tribunal in The Hague.
FRASIER: Oh, Dad, hey.
Hey, guys.
Wow, what's with the fancy spread? day Niles and I ran into Ronee Lawrence to and she's coming over for cocktails.
You remember-- our old baby-sitter.
Oh, yeah, I remember Ronee.
Pretty little thing, yeah.
How's she looking these days? Had her eyes pulled so tight, she could land a role in Flower Drum Song She happens to look fabulous.
(doorbell rings) Which you will soon see for yourself.
She's playing piano down at the Wellington.
Ronee, hi.
come on in.
Good to see you.
Meet my sister-in-law, Daphne.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
FRASIER: Remember my Dad? Oh, I sure do.
How are you, Mr.
crane? It's Marty and I'm just great.
Gee, you haven't changed a bit.
Oh, yes, I have.
I can legally drink now.
Hint, hint.
Oh, right.
Would you like a glass of wine? Yes, thank you.
Dad, why don't you get yourself a beer? So, Ronee, what have you been doing all these years? RONEE: Singing, mostly.
I play at the RendeZvous Room down at the Wellington Hotel.
Is that that place that revolves? It used to.
It broke two years ago.
(laughing) : That's terrific.
RONEE: Yeah, I had a couple of shots at the big time: You know, sang in some swanky rooms.
I even made an album: "Ronee Lawrence: Mood Swings.
" It sold about seven copies and that's when Ronee Lawrence had herself a real mood swing.
Well, I'm sure the album was just wonderful.
You know, maybe I could interest you in a duet a little later? Oh, that'd be fun.
Wouldn't it, though? I have a feeling that our musical styles just might harmo t MARTIN: So, Ronee, I'll be you really wow 'em at the RendeZvous.
Well, you know it's no t exactly carnegie Hall.
Most of them are half in the bag and just trying not to spill their drinks.
And I'm just talking about the cocktail waitresses.
This girl's a riot! Dad, could you help me with something in the kitchen? Now? Right now.
Hey, don't be too long, you two.
Mama likes an audience.
Good, 'cause Daddy likes to watch.
What the hell do you think you're doing? I was working my magic on her.
Why are you so upset? Because I'm working a little magic of my own and your magic is mucking up my magic.
I thought you brought her here for me.
Since when do I "bring" you women? What are you, the Sultan of Brunei? (cell phone rings) Hello? What? Oh, you're kidding.
Yeah yeah, okay, I guess.
I'll see you in a bit.
Something wrong? Oh, I have to go into work.
I can't believe it.
The guy who fills in on my night off called in sick.
Oh, no.
Sorry.
Promise me we'll do this again.
Oh, you know we will.
count on that.
couldn't keep us away.
Frasier, you owe me a duet.
It was great to see you, Marty.
You should all come down to the club sometime.
You can count on that, too.
We'll be there with bells on.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
See you later.
I can't believe the way you are humiliating yourself, a man your age.
Hey, she was flirting with me.
She was flirting with me.
You just got caught in the crossfire.
Daphne, which one of us was she attracted to? How stupid do you think I am? Does it say "stupid" on me forehead? Fine.
If you insist on humiliating yourself, how's this: I'll invite Ronee over for dinner this weekend and she can choose for herself.
Agreed? Fine.
Make sure she brings a friend so there's someone for you.
I'm going to McGinty's.
You don't suppose he's sneaking down to the RendeZvous, do you? No.
Only a scoundrel would violate a gentleman's agreement that way.
Quite right.
Dad is nothing if not an honorable man.
I don't know what I was thinking.
can we give you a lift down there? No, I want to freshen up first.
See yourselves out.
e?? ?? Don't change a hair for m You've only got the two.
Not if you care for me It's a good thing you've got money.
Stay, little valentine, stay Like you've got anywhere else to be.
?? ?? Each day is valentine's Day (applause) I'm going to take a little break.
Try not to kill yourselves from disappointment, hmm? Hey! Frasier, what a nice surprise.
I guess I just didn't want our little reunion to end so abruptly.
Well, you're not the only one.
I had a feeling you might say that.
There you go, Ronee.
Thanks.
Hey, Fras.
Dad! Yeah, Marty didn't want to call it a night, either.
He's quite the party guy.
Walter, you're alive! You said you were going to McGinty's.
How long have you been here? shouldn't have spent so much time on your hair, Louise.
So, boys, who needs a drink? Yeah, I'll have another beer.
You know, Dad, you really ought to slow down there.
You know, at his age, one slip and it's the Icu and then it's "I see you later".
Well, I wouldn't worry about me, Fras.
I don't feel any older now than I did when you were parading around in your mother's heels.
(chuckling) : Oh, well 'course, that was just last christmas.
Listen, I've got to do another set.
Are you going to stick around? Oh, you bet we are.
Yeah, sure, wouldn't miss it.
Oh, absolutely, yeah Ronee got me a ringside table right next to her.
And that's because I want you and your pockets right near my tip jar.
Oh, you're after my money, huh? Say, Ronee, it's such a beautiful piano.
It's a shame we didn't get a chance to do our duet.
Well, let's do it now.
Really? Sure.
You don't mind scrunching, do you? My bench is a little small.
I don't mind scrunching at all.
RONEE: Hey, listen, is it just me or am I getting some signals here tonight? Oh, it is most definitely not just you.
Hi, drinkers.
I'm back.
And no, no, you're not seeing double, for once-- I have a guest with me tonight.
Believe it or not, I used to baby-sit this guy.
I know.
I know.
How does she stay so young? AUDIENcE MEMBERS: Dr.
Goldman! Aren't they adorable? Please welcome Dr.
Frasier crane.
You know this one? Oh, I love this song.
Oh, me, too.
You know, and I'd like to sing it to someone special who's here tonight, but, well, I'm afraid it might embarrass him.
Oh, I'm sure your special someone would just love to hear it.
Really? Okay, then, here goes.
(plays intro) I get no kick from champagne Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all So tell me, then Why should it be true That I get a kick Out of you (Frasier misplays chords) (resumes playing harmoniously) ?? I think you're cute?? Marty crane ?? .
.
(playing increasingly loudly) ?? I think that if your poor hip wasn't stiff You could dance just terrifically, too ?? .
.
?? And I get a kick out of you.
(plays final chords loudly) (woman over Tv) I'd like a "T.
"' I'd like to buy a vowel.
Frasier? Do you realiZe the door is wide open? Yeah.
PiZZa guy forgot to close it when he left.
What are you doing here? Don 't you remember? We had plans to watch Don Giovannion PBS.
I'm kind of into Wheel of Fortuneright now.
Wow, you look awfully dapper.
Yeah, I'm meeting a friend.
Dad, you don't have to be so coy.
I know where you're going.
I'm having dinner with Ronee .
So things are going well? Oh, yeah.
Great, great.
Turns out she had a crush on me back in the days she used to sit with you boys.
Well, I better scoot.
See you, boys.
NILES: Bye, Dad.
Ooh, are those profiteroles? Sorry.
Did you want one? No, but thanks for offering.
Frasier, what's going on with you? You're showing classic signs of depression.
That's because I'm depressed you nit.
But why? Ronee and you aren't compatible.
You have few interests in common.
.
She's as coarse as sandpaper.
.
I know.
I know there was no future for me and Ronee.
.
.
It's just.
I'm depressed, Niles.
I I I don't know why.
Wait a minute.
Yeah? Wait a minute.
I think I can make a really great sandwich out of all of my leftover chutneys.
Frasier, you have got to snap out of this.
You start seeing patients soon.
You realiZe you're only using food to fill a void Oh! I forgot to void that check to the dry cleaner.
I got my camel coat home.
It had a spot the siZe of a Krugerrand.
I know for a fact it was not there when Niles.
Sorry.
What are you doing with Dad's velveeta? t.
What do you think I'm doing with it?I'm going to eat i Okay, Frasier, this isn't funny anymore.
Oh, my God.
What is it? It's viagra.
They give that away with velveeta? No.
It's a prescription for Martin crane.
Why do you suppose he would put it in here? Hiding it, I assume.
What better place than a box that Pandora herself would be loath to open.
(door opening) It's Dad! Oh! Oh! Oh! (both sputtering) Put it away! Right, right.
(muffled yell) Dad, what are you doing back so soon? I forgot something.
My, um brella.
Well, you're certainly not going to find it in the kitchen.
No, I guess not.
Oh, I just remembered-- Ronee wanted me to get her an appetiZer.
What looks good? Oh, velvetta.
That goes with anything.
All right, well You boys have got your opera that you want to watch, so I'll just get out of your way.
See you later.
Now what? Okay, okay We've got time to think.
It's going to take him a while to discover that the pills All right, where is it? Frasier took them.
Dad This is pretty funny to you, huh? No, sir.
Then what is it? You're still so sore about Ronee, you're trying to mess things up for me? No, Dad, I found them by accident.
I tried to put them back.
I didn't mean to embarrass you.
Here.
Oh, forget it.
I'm just going to cancel with Ronee.
Dad No, the whole night's ruined anyway.
But the important thing is you boys had your little laugh.
Well, I'm glad someone enjoyed it, because I'm starting to think that it's just too much trouble.
I'm just going to break it off.
Why would you do that, Dad? I mean, you're not going to let what happened tonight end things with Ronee, are you? Is there something else going on here? .
.
Well, I don't know.
I.
Ronee and I have been getting kind of close this week, and Last night we started fooling around and it was great.
I mean, I was rounding the bases.
The coach was waving me in.
There wasn't even going to be a play at the plate Dad, it's us.
Oh, right.
.
.
Well, anyway, that's when something happened.
.
or didn't happen.
.
which has never not happened before.
So I decided today to go out to get some cheese.
I just couldn't stop picturing her the way she looked when she was a teenager.
It was creepy.
And even with cheese, I don't think I'd ever feel about being with her.
Dad, when she was baby-sitting for us, did you ever notice her? Yeah, she was a very pretty girl.
And did Mom ever notice you noticing ? Oh, yeah.
Even had a fight once about it.
Well, there you are.
You're still feeling guilt and shame for being attracted to her all those years ago.
But she's an adult now, and you really should allow yourself to explore these feelings.
very good, Frasier.
Thank you, Niles.
You know perhaps my depression over losing Ronee was actually rooted in my feelings for her from long ago as well.
After all, she's the first woman to reject me, though she never knew it.
I Perhaps by pursuing her again, I was hoping to undo that first rejection, thereby erasing all the subsequent rejections in my life and giving myself a much needed shot of self-esteem.
Did you hear that?! My analytical skills are on fire! Your own-horn-tooting skills haven't abandoned you either.
So much for worrying about whether I'm ready to get back into private practice.
The answer is a resounding yes.
Well, you better be sure because it's a completely different animal, and I just remembered the Zoo' s having a fund-raiser.
I signed you up for $200.
That's the safari level.
You know who has malaria? FRASIER: Niles! Missus Do you realiZe that your babbling kicks in whenever I mention my return to private practice? Perhaps this condition of yours has less to do with baby jitters and more to do with my entering your domain.
My God! If I get any hotter, I'm going to set off the sprinklers! Oh, get over yourself! Why shouldn't I be anxious? can't I ever have one thin g that's just mine? Niles It's like when I discovered backgammon or fencing Niles! Relax.
It's okay.
You are an excellent psychiatrist.
I couldn't eclipse you if I tried.
Thanks.
You're sure? Yes.
Splendid.
And, Dad, you should go down and see Ronee.
She must like you an awful lot considering who she passed up.
I don't know.
I know it sounds craZy, but I just keep seeing her in that ponytail and that parochial school uniform.
Ronee didn't go to parochial school.
She didn't? No, that was our other baby-sitter-- Sally.
Oh, right.
Sally the slut.
I liked her.
You mean all this time I've been thinking she was someone else? See ya.
Dad, don't you want your cheese? No, thanks, boys, but I'm working without a net.