Frasier s11e09 Episode Script

Guns N' Neuroses

Hey, Daph.
Hello, Martin.
What's that? Oh, it's Frasier and Niles's old playpen.
Got it out of storage for you.
Looks a bit rickety.
Nah, it just needs a little weight to balance it.
Put a baby in there, and it'll be fine.
(both gasping) You're not putting my baby in that deathtrap, and by the way, did you move your gun out to storage, like you promised? I'm getting to it.
What? That gun is still around? Oh, geez.
Dad, two years ago, I demanded you get rid of it.
You said you did.
Don't tell me it's still in your closet.
It's in a shoe box under my bed.
Well, I don't want it he re in my apartment.
All right, all right, it'll go into storage today, but I don't know what we'll do if a burglar breaks in.
You could lure him into that playpen.
You slept awfully late.
Mm, yeah, oh, well, I was having the most distressing dream.
I was climbing up a volcano that was spewing ice instead of lava.
Ice volcano.
Wonder what that could mean.
Oh, what's this? Hello, it's Lilith.
Oh, well Ah, okay.
We're supposed to be having breakfast, but you're not here, and, as I don't know if you're tardy or have been in a terrible accident, I am unable to commit to an appropriate emotional response.
Please call me.
Thank you.
Oh, damn, I completely forgot.
Lilith is in town for a one-day conference.
Now I'll have to canceI lunch to see her.
Can't you catch her on the next trip? No, no, she'll only be hurt, and of course, she'll she'll dredge it up the next time she needs an emotional trump card.
Ooh! Maybe I can trick her into canceling lunch on me.
Instead of playing games, why don't you just talk to her ? .
We tried talking when we were married.
We were better at games.
Hello, Lilith.
It's Frasier.
Gosh, I'm so sorry.
I was on my way to breakfast, and, uh I-I swerved to avoid hitting a Pomeranian, and I-I ran up on the curb and blew a tire.
All right, well, maybe if you come by here for lunch.
(gasps) She won't, she won 't.
Okay, then.
All right, see you here around 1 :00.
She came to play.
Hey, Niles.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, do you want to join us for lunch? We're trying a new Indonesian place that's famous for its Besengek Daging.
Well, wish I could, but I promised Frasier I'd stay here till he got back from the dentist.
Oh, well, we'll keep you company.
Why'd he need you to hang around? He's making lunch for Lilith.
And off we go.
(doorbell rings) Too late.
Shouldn't you get the door? You're closer.
I don't live here.
Doesn't matter.
You're family.
So is Daphne Oh, no, you don't.
LILITH: Maybe if you slid me a key, I could let myself in.
Hey, Lilith! Sorry for the holdup, but, uh, Frasier should be back from the dentist any minute.
Oh, all right.
That'll give us a chance to visit.
Daphne, Niles, congratulations on the successful commingling of your genetic material.
Thank you.
Do you know the sex? Do we? That's how we got pregnant.
Thank you.
No, we're-we're we're going to let it be a surprise.
Oh, okay.
Please sit down.
Thank you.
Well, if I was to guess the gender-- and I'm usually right about half the time I'm being humorous, of course.
(laughs) I would say it's a boy.
What makes you say that? Well, it's highly unscientific, but the proverbial old wives would cite the spreading of your nose, the unevenness of your breasts, and the coarse black hair on your legs.
Is that the shoe box from under your bed, then? (cell phone ringing) Excuse me.
Hello? Yes, Frasier.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Hear what? He's still coming, isn't he? Yes, all right, all right.
I'll meet you then.
Frasier can't make it.
Oh well, if you still want lunch, I've got leftover meat loaf that's today or never.
Thank you, but I'll get something at the conference.
Ahh There's a bulimia talk today and I'll wager that's one lecture hall with a snack machine outside.
Lovely to see you.
Did you hear what she said about me? Yes.
That I've got a flat nose, uneven boobs and bristly legs? I mean, are they really that bad? Not bad.
Maybe a little cock-eyed, but with a heavy sweater I was talking about my legs.
Oh, forget about lunch.
I'm just going to make a sandwich.
Oh, no, hey what about me? Oh, have a banana.
(gunshot) DAPHNE: My God! What was that? I think the banana went off.
You knocked my gun on the floor.
Is everyone all right? Daphne, are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
Dad, you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
I don't understand this.
I thought the safety was on.
Oh, my God, it blew a hole through Frasier's chair.
(Martin gasping) And it shot the head off the statue.
Look what it did to the fireplace.
MARTIN: Oh, no, Frasier's going to kill me.
This is why I've been telling you to put the bloody thing in storage.
Niles was the one who knocked it off the table.
Well, accidentally, because I had a banana thrown at me! To you, not at you.
And you should know how to catch a banana! I am not having this argument again! If Frasier sees this, I'll never hear the end of it.
You guys have to help me fix things up before he gets home.
Forget it, old man.
You're on your own.
If he kicks me out over this, I'm moving in with you.
All right, what's the plan? .
You start calling upholsterers.
Niles, get me some Spackle.
I'll see if I can Crazy Glue the head back on that thing.
Dad, Dad what's Spackle? Anyway, long story short, " .
six months in he says I'm "too tightly wound Me.
Wow, I don't know what to tell you, Lil.
My name is Lilith.
(pager vibrating) Oh, it's my beeper.
Oh, darn, they need me back at the conference.
Okay, but listen, we all have bad dating experiences, so don't give up.
Get out there, have fun, meet people.
You're right.
Thank you, Nancy.
You're a real pal.
And the best survivor guilt and phantom limb expert in the game.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Roz Roz? Oh, hi, Lilith.
What are you doing in town? Well, I'm here for a conference and was supposed to meet Frasier here for coffee, but I'm afraid I have to leave.
Will you tell him I'll call him later? Sure, no problem.
Thank you.
Can I have change for the meter? Only if you buy something.
I don't have time-- the meter maid's coming.
Sorry, can't do it.
Well, someone doesn't want his tip very much.
You haven't ordered anything.
I meant the tip I gave you yesterday.
Oh, hi, Roz.
Hey, Frasier.
Oh, um, Lilith had to leave.
Oh, damn! Again? Can I help you? Yes Yes, I'd like.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry .
Please, go ahead.
that's all right.
You go.
No, I insist-- after you.
We'll go together.
What're you having? All right-- a macchiato for here.
One macchiato for here and a Mocha Valencia to go, please.
Macchiato man.
Don't meet many of those.
No, no We're a a rare breed.
Spartan rugged You like a dusting of nutmeg on that, right? Just a sprinkle.
So, is this your first time here? Yeah.
I'm in town on business.
First time in Seattle.
That entitles you to a complimentary beverage.
These are on me.
Thank you.
Tell me, is there a Mrs.
Macchiato? (chuckles) : No.
This may sound a little crazy, but would you be interested in having a drink later with a friend of mine? I think you might really hit it off.
Well, it sounds intriguing.
I'm late for a meeting, but if you're game, Iet's just say 7:00 at the Marina Tavern.
And if you change your mind, here's my number.
All right, then.
Roz, have you ever been set up on a date with someone whose name you didn't know? .
Oh, please, I've woken up with dates now.
whose names I didn't k Cappuccino, please.
What's going on? Well, I just met this woman who's in town on business.
She asked me to join a friend of hers for a drink at the Marina Tavern.
Oh well, you know there is no friend.
The woman you met is the woman you're meeting.
Oh, that's what I thought.
I wonder why she wouldn't give me her name? Well, when you're in tow n on business and you hook up with a stranger, no names is standard procedure.
I'm not sure that's something you want to admit knowing, Roz.
I only know it from reading Erica Jong novels, okay? I'm not sure that's something you want to admit, either.
(door opening) I've got the Spackle.
Good, good-- we'll fill in the crack, then my faux finisher can match the stone.
Fabrizio is on his way here to re-upholster.
Dad, how are you doing? Great.
This glue should hold it just fine.
Your guys better get over here soon.
Frasier's meeting Lilith after work at the cafe, which only gives us FRASIER: Oh, hello, Mrs.
(whispering): Shh! Frasier! Ahh! Hello, what's going on? Oh, just admiring the sunset.
I think it looks best over here, but Niles thinks it looks better over there.
FRASIER: Oh, really? Oh, Niles, have you changed your mind about my new statue? Yesterday you said it was sterile and unmoving.
Oh, it's moving now.
Well, I'd love to stay and gloat, but I have a very intriguing date for which I must get ready.
Well, good luck with that.
Thank you, Dad.
Oh, what's this? LILITH: Frasier, I'm just leaving the cafe.
Sorry I missed you.
Anyway, if you're available for a drink, I'm staying at the Harbor View .
Call me.
Oh, dear damn! I've got an exciting mystery date and who should rear her head at the last minute but Lilith.
MARTIN: Well, you know, if you leave right away, you'd probably have time for a quick drink with Lilith and still make for your date.
Good thinking, Dad.
I could dispense with the pleasantries and be on my way.
Help me, help me.
The head is stuck to my hand.
(yelling) FRASIER: On second thought maybe I should invite Lilith here so that I can have more time to get ready.
ALL: No! She's already been here once.
You should go to her.
You're quite right, but, then, should I change or am I fine the way I am? Fine.
Oh, hubba-hubba.
Well, then, I'll just see you all later.
Dad, you're right.
It's a much, much different sunset from here.
(flatly): Yes, of course I'm excited, Nancy.
Can't you hear it in the timbre of my voice? Yes, well, I'm afraid I might a little bit late.
I'm still waiting for my ex-husband.
(knocking) Oh, there he is.
I'll get through this as quickly as I possibly can.
Yes, all right.
Hi, Lilith.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Traffic was a bear.
It's good to see you.
Anyway, I'm sorry about all the missed connections today, but at least we have a chance to catch up, however briefly.
Yes, well, sometimes with old friends five minutes is enough.
One minute.
So, care for a drink? Not if I'm keeping you from something.
Well, actually, I do have a date this evening.
Oh, really? Yes.
A colleague of mine fixed me up.
I'm sorry for dragging you over here when I have so little time to give you.
Actually, I'm running late for a date myself.
I see.
Well, why don 't you run along? I wouldn't want you to keep Niles waiting.
(chuckles) No.
It is with a woman-- a very vibrant, sexy woman.
Good for you.
Listen, if you're running late and you need to cancel our drink No, no, no, I've canceled on you once already today.
Well, I canceled on you twice.
That would make us even.
That's why we're having the drink.
Unless you're worried that your sexy date will leave if you' re five minutes late.
Oh, no, not at all.
My absence will only make her heart grow fonder.
You mind if I use the bathroom? Certainly.
Thank you.
Please don't leave.
Please don't leave.
Please don't leave.
Miss Mocha Valencia.
Yes, Macchiatto man here.
Uh, listen, I'm glad I caught you.
Where are you? Uh, well something's come up, and I'm afraid I have to Wait, hang on.
I have another call.
Nancy, it's Lilith again.
Listen, this thing with my ex-husband is taking a lot longer than I expected, but I will be there, I promise you.
What do you mean "uh-oh" I'm on the other line with your date right now.
I think he wants to cancel.
Before he' s even met me? Tell him I canceled on him first.
I'm really sorry about this.
So I'm afraid tonight's off.
Off? Yeah, that was my friend.
She had second thoughts.
Oh, really? Well, please tell your "friend" that I wasn't exactly bowled over by her first thoughts.
I don't even know what that means.
So what would you say to that drink? I'd say, don't get too comfortable in that glass.
(chuckles) Well, this is nice.
Yes, very.
Freddy tells me he dissected a frog.
Yes, and a fetal pig.
Of course, I made him do his homework first.
Lilith, you seem preoccupied.
Is this about your blind date tonight? You could say that.
Well, for what it's worth, whoever this guy is he'll feel awfully lucky when you walk through the door.
Thank you, Frasier, but I really shouldn't be keeping you from your date.
Oh, right.
Well, I guess I should be going, yes.
Although, you know, you are here for just one night.
Perhaps I could call and push things back a bit? Maybe I could delay mine as well.
All right.
What excuse are you going to use? Oh, I'll just trot out my stand-by-- it works every time.
Simply say that I swerved to avoid hitting a Chihuahua, ran up on a curb and blew a tire.
This morning you said it was a Pomeranian.
Well, this morning it was.
FRASIER: So I'm in the middle of this date from hell, when Kenny walks in with his cousin, whom I'd passed on sight unseen.
Turns out she's not only gorgeous, but her name is actually Miss Wright.
Okay, you win.
Say, are there any more kettle chips in the mini bar? No.
We can have either Gummi Bears or cashews, both.
but I'm afraid we can't afford (door slams) MAN: Erin, would you stop? I don't even know what I did.
ERIN: Why do you always say that like you think it will help? Because when I guess, you get angrier! Boy, that takes you back, doesn't it? MAN: What, did I forget to notice your hair? That's not why I'm mad.
I'm just going to ask them to be quiet.
MAN: I can't talk to you when you're like this.
I'm going out.
ERIN: Sean, what are you doing? Oh, uh Sorry.
That's not the hall.
Yes, uh It's all right.
You see, we overheard your quarrel, and in the interest of keeping the peace and quiet, maybe we could offer some assistance.
It's okay, we can handle it ourselves.
Oh, can you, Sean? You don't even know what you did.
Please, won't you come in? We are psychiatrists.
There's no need to be afraid.
We are here to help.
So, what, you're like caped crusaders for mental health? No, not caped.
Please, come and sit down.
All right then.
What seems to be the problem? Uh When we were at dinner, he was checking out another woman.
And you feel threatened by this? Shouldn't I? Well, maybe.
Shot in the dark here: your parents are divorced; Dad left Mom.
How'd you know? It's classic transference.
Because your father and mother split up, you overreact whenever you perceive a threat to your current relationship.
And, you, you care about this woman? Absolutely.
Then keep your eye s in your head.
It bugs her and it's bad form.
And if he should fail at this, which he will, he's a man-- it does not mean he's going to leave you.
Or that I don't love Because I do.
I know.
I love you, too.
Wow, you guys are good.
ERIN: Yeah, that was amazing.
So, do you two just have the best marriage ever? Actually Yes we do.
Well, uh thank you.
It was really nice meeting you.
Likewise, likewise.
You seem like an awfully nice young couple, and I'm sure you'll understand if I lock the door.
Good night.
Good night.
Well done, Dr.
Back at you, Dr.
I'd suggest that we try a high five but I recall we attempted that once after a bridge victory and you scratched my cornea.
Well, I guess we shouldn't kee our dates waiting any longer.
Good luck on your romantic adventure this evening, Lilith.
Don't you worry-- you're going to knock his socks off.
Frasier I don't have a date anymore.
He canceled.
You're kidding.
I was too proud to admit it to you.
How pathetic is that? Well, there's no need to beat yourself up about it.
Come on.
A fake phone call to "buy time"? It's understandable.
Just a face-saving gesture in the light of Oh, my God, your date canceled on you, too.
All right, yes.
It's a banner day for both of us.
All this lying has certainly worked up my appetite.
You want to get room service? That might be nice.
Certainly beats sitting alone wondering what we missed out on this evening, hmm? SEAN: Oh, yes! Oh, yes! (loud erotic moaning) Frasier? Hmm? Hmm.
Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.
I must have dozed off during the movie.
Me, too.
What time is it? Uh it's almost 6:00.
I have a 7:30 flight.
Well, I'll just get out of your hair.
Listen, Lilith, dinner was lovely last night.
I had a great time.
Well, much better than those blind dates could have possibly been.
Well, listen, have a safe trip and all that, and give Freddy a hug for me.
I will.
All right.
You know, it's funny What? Well, I was just thinking that if we had never met, we're exactly the kind of peopIe that somebody might set up on a blind date.
You always were one for droll hypotheticals.
It's amusing to consider, though.
What would we think of each other if we were just meeting now for the first time? But if we hadn't met, we'd be different people now.
Ah, true.
But then that raises many other questions.
I mean, what sort of man would the non-Lilith Frasier be? What sort of woman? Did I mention I have a plane to catch? Of course.
But you're right.
It was a lovely evening.
We do have our baggage, don't we? But then sometimes that's what makes the trip so interesting.
With one hand, the past moves us forward, and with the other, it holds us back.
Good-bye, Lilith.
Good-bye, Frasier.
(door closes)