Frasier s11e11 Episode Script

High Holidays

Hi, guys.
Oh, hey, Dad.
Your cappuccinoto go.
Holiday cookies, anyone? Oh Oh Yes, I believe I will.
Thank you.
No, not for me.
Watching your weight? Yeah, and it's killing me.
But the other night, Ronee made a comment about my "bowl full of jelly.
" Well, everyone puts on a few this time of year.
Everyone doesn't sit around reading the newspaper actually slurping from a bowl full of jelly.
Well, you look great to me, Martin.
Merry Christmas.
Oh Eddie and I must have walked about three miles.
I'm sweating like a pig.
What the hell are you doing? I am saving that seat for someone who may not wish to have it bedewed with pig sweat.
Frasier? Oh, Natalie! Hi.
This is my father, Martin Crane.
Natalie Blanc of the Seattle Tourism Board.
She wants me to do a promo for them.
He was just leaving.
Oh, that little dog is adorable.
Yes, and he's smart as a chimp, too.
Off you go.
Oh Please It's so lovely to finally meet you.
Thank you, thank you.
Have a seat.
So tell me about this promo.
Well, it's pretty simple.
It begins with you at home on the couch.
And you say "Anybody feel like taking a walk? Then come to Seattle.
" And then we see you walking at the Space Needle, the beach, the fish market But we do all of that with special effects.
It should only take a couple of hours tomorrow.
So are you in? I'm in.
You know, it's funny.
When you called me at the last minute, there was a small, madly insecure part of me that wondered if I was your second choice.
No, you weren't the second.
Nice meeting you.
You, too.
Oh Oh, that dog is so precious.
Yes, there are times I could just squeeze him to death.
You know, maybe he should be in the spot with you.
Eddie in a commercial? Mm-hmm.
It's called a spot, Dad.
You look so perfect together.
He could just sit next to you on the couch.
Well I suppose there's no harm in a little window dressing.
Oh, knock it off.
You didn't even know that term 'til ten seconds ago.
Hey, Fras.
How'd the big shoot go? Well, it went splendidly, Dad.
I thought you were going with Niles to the airport to get Freddy.
Yeah, I decided to stay home and do some decorating.
Ah, yes, the magical time of year when the Great Wall of China and my apartment are the only two man-made structures visible from space.
I must say I'm really excited about seeing Freddy this trip.
Whatcha got planned? Oh, gosh, everything from whale watching to a trip to the garlic festival.
(doorbell ringing) Niles, Daphne Where's Frederick? Actually, he insisted on taking his own elevator.
(chuckling): Oh, priceless.
Just when you're worried that he's on the brink of terrible teendom, there he is, still just a little boy who wants to play in the elevator.
(laughing) Hey, Dad.
There he is.
(screams) Nice greeting, Dad.
Freddy, why are you dressed like this? w.
He's a Goth no You all don't have to treat me like I'm some kind of freak.
No, we're not, Freddy.
It's great to see you.
Maybe you could move up that trip to the garlic festival.
Listen, Frederick, I don 't understand.
Um, the Goths were plunderers.
Apart from your tendency to be overaggressive with your rooks at chess camp, I don't see the connection.
It's just what I'm into now, okay? Me, my friend Andi a bunch of us.
But if you don't get i t, you don't get it.
We get it.
It's wonderful.
FRASIER: I didn't mean anything by it.
I simply thought Oh, dear God! Well, thank you, Lilith for mentioning this little development.
Oh, it's just a phase.
All teenagers go through a rebellious period.
It always passes.
You should have seen me at that age.
Dating the older boys, hitchhiking, drinking, shoplifting Do you know I can carry a frozen turkey between my knees? That'll come in handy if we ever misplace our serving platter at Thanksgiving.
Hey, and didn't you tell m e you went streaking? Well, I had shin splints at the time so it was really more of a brisk nude walk.
What did you do, Niles? How did you rebel? Oh, the usual ways.
Thank you, Niles.
Like what? Oh, like what? Well uh Never happened, Niles.
Your mother and I kept waiting for it.
I find it hard to believe that I never Nope, nope.
You were one of those good kids.
One time I found a bag of something that looked suspicious in your dresser, but it turned out to be something just to make your sweaters smell nice.
Well, one time Face it, Niles.
You just didn't have it in you to be bad.
Well (gasps) Freddy, hi.
Listen, I was thinking maybe we could take in a movie tonight.
Can't, Dad.
I made plans with my friend Andi.
Your friend Andi from school is here? Yeah, visiting relatives.
We're seeing a movie.
(doorbell rings) But you just got here.
We've got all week, okay? Be cool.
Well, see ya.
Well, at least he's not dating outside the faith.
Excuse me, are you using this chair? Wow.
Doesn't that's have a familiar ring to it.
The weary holiday traveler and his pregnant wife seeking kindness from a stranger.
Frasier? I'm afraid I am, yes.
So Hi, hi.
Hello! Hi, come and sit.
Thank you.
Um, cappuccino to go, please.
Oh The ad agency loves the spot.
Oh! Apparently, they got quite creative with it.
Listen, I realize you're dashing off, but do you think we could celebrate tonight over a drink? Sure.
How about, uh Could you say that again? Garagiste.
You don't know it? Oh, yes, I do.
I just love hearing you say it.
(laughing) Oh, Thank you.
Let me get that for you.
Thank you.
I'll see you then.
Yes, take care.
Well, that was a yummy little stocking stuffer.
She's the one I told you about; the girl with the accent.
Oh, yes.
God, she could read me the phone book and I would melt like an overripe Camembert.
Imagine what she would do with that-- (with accent) : Camembert.
We're terrible! (laughs) Well, at least it will be nice to have something to do this evening, for a change.
Is Frederick still spending all his time with his little ghoul-friend? Yes.
They're going to a concert this evening.
Of course, I don't begrudge him a social life.
It's just that I feel so rejected.
You know, when one has something they'd clearly rather do than spend time with you, it just feels like What the hell are you doing? I'm sorry.
I'm waiting for someone.
Who? Well, it really bothered me when Dad said that I never rebelled.
I mean, I've been obsessing about it.
What kind of self-respecting psychiatrist-- not to mention father-to-be-- completely misses one of life' prime rites of passage? So, I've decided to rebel tonight.
Right under Dad's nose.
How? You ready? Yes.
You sure? Positive.
Move your coffee it might Niles! .
I'm getting high on reefer What? I've waited for this all my life, Frasier-- one act of utter, devil-may-care, crotch-grabbing brazenness.
And, of course, I'll have a nurse on speed dial in case things get too hairy.
And exactly which of your connections in the Seattle demimonde is going to get you this reefer? Okay, Niles, you're hooked up.
Well, oh Just take a look.
Ah, yes, thick and gooey.
Ganja in its purest form.
It's a pot brownie , you idiot.
My neighbor makes them.
(car alarm blares) Damn it.
My car alarm again.
I can'twait.
I got a date.
You're not leaving that thing with me.
Oh, come on, Frasier, just give it to Niles.
No, no, no, I refuse.
Stop that.
Stop that.
It is illegal.
I will have nothing to do with it, for God's sakes.
What do you take me for, some kind of common drug mule? Mule is one word for it.
Hi, Dad.
How are you doing? I'll see you back at home.
All right.
Hey, Martin.
Hi, how you doing, Roz? Good.
How are the holidays treating you? Cookie? Oh, no, just trying to stay away from things that are bad for me.
Well, that's where you and I are different.
Can you give this to Niles? He'll be right back.
Yeah, sure.
Uh, coffee to go, please.
(sighs) Mmm mmm.
Mmm mmm.
(muffled): Could I have a brownie, please? Hey, Dad.
Oh, hey, Niles, um, uh Roz wanted me to give you this.
Thank you.
Hey, uh, you going to be home tonight? Yeah, I'm walking home right now.
Oh, good.
I'll see you there .
Have a nice trip.
You, too.
Oh, I will.
(chuckles) (gasping) Hi, Dad.
Hey, Freddy.
Oh, Andi.
How was the mall? Boring.
Except when that fat kid threw up in Santa's beard.
That was goth.
Oh, the doorman had this for you.
Oh, this must be my tourism promo.
I just came to get a jacket.
We're going to the concert.
Oh, come on, Freddy.
You can spare a couple minutes to check out your old man's debut as a spokesman.
(Frasier's voice): Anybody want to go for a walk? Then why not come to Seattle? Oh, dear God.
Where else can you see an ocean wave a fish fly, a mountain peak and the world's largest needle ? .
Come to Seattle.
Let's go for a walk.
That is so goth.
It is not goth! It's outrageous.
It's like some hideous Frankenstein hybrid of me and that no-talent dog.
Let's go.
By the way, I'm staying at Andi's tonight.
What? At her uncle's.
We have plans all day tomorrow.
I'm sorry, Frederick.
You're not staying anywhere.
until I hear from her uncle first.
Dad! I'll meet you downstairs.
Do you know how much you're embarrassing me? What's your problem? My problem is that you've hardly spent one minute here since you arrived.
Now you tell you have plans all day tomorrow.
You're really making me want to spend time with you now.
Tomorrow, okay? I'll have her uncle call you.
I never should have come here in the first place.
NILES: Freddy.
Hey, Frasier.
What's up? Just another joyous holiday moment with my son to be pasted into my scrapbook.
Aren't you going to ask me what's up? Didn't intend to, no.
I'd like you to.
All right.
What's up? I am.
I'm as high as the Himalayas! If I were a city in Germany, I'd be Heidelberg! Is Dad home yet? No.
I'll use this opportunity to up my dosage.
Oh, Niles! You realize this is illegal? Did you actually drive yourself here? I'm a little too toasted for that, Frasier.
No, the minute I knew I was getting baked tonight, I called a cab.
And I printed my name and address on a card in my pocket in case I'm still too crispy to speak to the cab driver taking me home.
I judge by all this rich terminology I'm especially looking forward to something called the "munchies" stage.
It's where one enjoys bizarre food combinations.
I'm thinking of pairing this Chilean sea bass with an aggressive zinfandel.
And this is all to prove a point to Dad? To Dad and for myself.
Don't I have a right just once to sip the sweet nectar of rebellion? (keys jingling in lock) (Martin laughing) I've got to go put a jacket on for my date.
Why don't you see if you can help Dad at the door? (laughing continues) Hi, Niles.
Funny you should say that.
Yeah, it is! (both laughing) Hey, hey, Niles, let me ask you something.
Do you ever feel like you'd just like to go straight? What? I was walking home and I kept thinking about all the turns we have to make.
Right turn, left turn.
How much easier it'd be if we just could go straight over the trees, over a building.
That's what a giant would do.
They should let everybody be a giant for a day.
(both laughing) If you had any idea how strange you seem to me right now.
Why is everybody saying that to me? By the way, you are welcome.
Oh For what? For turning you on to the best thing you will ever eat: Barbecue pudding chips.
No, thanks.
They looked at me funny in the store, too, .
but you taste that and tell me that's not better than a woman Do you mind? Oh, I see.
, Now you're such a big star that the whole world has to revolve around you.
I'll tell you what.
You just gloat all you like.
This is not over between us.
Why am I putting these chips in this pudding? Well, I was going to say.
I should be dumping the pudding in with the chips.
I've been having these great ideas all day.
I wrote some of them down.
What do you think this means? "Dog army.
" Oh, that cold medicine I took this morning is making me feel funny.
I think I'm going to go sit down for a while.
Ah Anybody want to go for a walk? Sweet mother! Where else can you see an ocean wave a fish fly a mountain peak Let's go for a walk.
Eddie? FRASIER: I know what you're doing.
You're sitting there thinking you're the king.
Well, you're not.
Niles?! All right, I'm off to my date.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
Niles, that knife is as sharp as a machete.
You should not not be chopping with it in your condition.
Do that for him, will you, Dad? I've come dangerously close to over-braising my chard.
It's almost as if something dulled my motor skills.
You sure you don't want a little of this on the side? I can scoop around the Lucky Charms.
No, thanks.
You know me, Dad.
I'm not much of a rebel.
Too much of a Goody Two-shoes.
Hi, Frasier.
MARTIN: But you've got to open your mind u That's where all the great inventions come from.
Like, it used to be people would eat too much, their pants would get tight-- big problem.
Then one day, somebody said, "Wait a minute.
Why not put elastic in them?" Hi, Fras.
Dad, where are your pants? In the fridge.
I had a reason.
"Fridge pants.
" Dad, when you were at the cafe today, you didn't eat a brownie that Roz brought for Niles, did you? Yeah, but I replaced it.
For God's sake! That was a pot brownie.
You're stoned off your ass! Well, someone must feel pretty out of it Oh, knock it off, you imbecile.
You're as sober as I am.
I knew I was feeling woozy.
I thought it was that cold medicine I took this morning.
It's all right, Dad.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
Dad, are you all right? Yeah, I'll be fine, but I better go lie down before it really hits me.
Come on, boy.
I'll be in the re in a minute to check on you.
Oh, suit yourself, Eddie.
Didn't it occur to you that he was behaving strangely? I thought it was me.
I thought it was the Mary Jane talking.
Oh, Niles, please, will you drop the drug lingo? Frasier, I feel terrible.
Yes, well, at least you had a better night than I did.
Halfway through our date, Natalie got a phone call.
An emergency at home.
(chuckles ruefully) I decided to take a little walk.
in a different bar with another man.
There was no emergency? Not unless he had an infected earlobe which required an immediate tongue-flicking.
It's beena hell of a Christmas.
I'm so sorry, Frasier.
Truth be told, I'm most disappointed about how things turned with Frederick.
I've just felt us drifting apart lately, and I was hoping that we could bond again on this trip.
You may have given him a wonderful gift just by letting him rebel against you.
Something which I am obviously completely incapable of achieving.
I'm going home.
You're a good man, Niles.
In a way, isn't that rebelling against rebellion? Nice try.
All right, look at it this way.
You did get our cop father stoned tonight.
I did, didn't I? Yeah.
Oh, madness! Frederick.
What are you doing home? I thought you were spending s.
the night at Andi' I changed my mind.
Good night.
Did something happen at the concert? No.
Are you sure? I can't help noticing your mascara's run a little.
Andi ran into a "friend" from her old school.
Another boy.
She hardly talked to me the whole night.
I'm sorry, son.
These things happen.
Well, they always stink.
Did it ever happen to you, Dad? It may have.
Tell you what.
You know, I've got a box of that cereal you used to like.
What do you say I pour us a bowl and I'll tell you a story or two.
It's happened to you more than once? (chuckles) I'll pour you a big bowl.