Frasier s11e18 Episode Script

Match Game

And one of those cinnamon buns please, extra frosting.
Oh, here they are.
Hey.
Hi, you guys.
We were so excited when you guys asked us out.
You're like the A-list couple in Lamaze class.
Well, that's good to hear.
We were afraid we were in the C-Section.
(chuckling) We bring our own food everywhere.
Sandy doesn't put anything unhealthy in her body.
No refined sugar, white flour, or gluten.
I'm sure you're the same.
Oh, of course.
Cinnamon bun.
No, thank you.
I'm pregnant.
- But you - I said no.
Sweetie, this is your best yam loaf yet.
He's a saint.
He cooks my food, rubs cocoa butter on my belly I just wish I could go through the birth for her.
Hey, what are you guys doing with your placenta? Ours will nourish the roots of a special tree we plant in our yard.
Well, we live in an apartment.
Although that ficusin the study is looking a tad droopy.
By the way, if you need a doula Cindy, I'm sure they already have one.
Everybody has a doula.
BRAD: Ours is a treasure.
She'll be there through the whole delivery, you know, focusing our energies, giving us emotional support.
I don't know how people do it without one.
She's really helped Brad.
He's having a really tough sympathy pregnancy.
Oh, boy.
Honey? I'm just I'm feeling a little sick again I'm sorry.
I just need some air.
We're so in sync.
He feels everything I'm feeling.
Nausea, weight gain, food cravings.
You know, in psychological terms, that's called Couvade Syndrome.
We just call it love.
I don't like them.
They're getting so much more out of this than we are.
We don't even have a placenta plan.
No, wait-- let's not panic.
All we need is expert help.
We'll hire one of those doula people.
I'll get the number from Brad.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Oh, this pregnancy is taking it out of me.
My breasts are so tender today.
You know what? I'm starting to feel a bit nauseous.
(rattling) Oh.
WOMAN: Hi.
A Matchmaking Service.
Come in.
I'm sorry Isn't this? Oh, I see what happened.
I must have been so engrossed in my paper I went right past my floor.
Of course.
It can be a little embarrassing to admit you need help in the romance department.
Please, come in.
No, this was a mistake.
I understand.
Come in.
Trust me, you are comically incorrect.
I do not need a matchmaker.
So you're married? No.
Dating someone? I date plenty.
In fact, I often need the proverbial stick one uses to beat women off with.
I I believe my point is made.
Why don't you just take my card? I don't need your card.
In case you change your mind.
I won't change my mind.
For a friend.
I have no friends.
who are in need of your services.
You see, I am a bit of a local celebrity, so I have no trouble getting dates.
Really? Yes.
What's your name? Dr.
Frasier Crane.
Oh.
Sorry, doesn't ring any bells.
Frasier Crane? Why, yes it is.
Well, my God, what are you doing here? Well, actually, I have an office one floor down.
Really? I'm on 1 8.
Oh, well why don't I ride up with you, I could use the exercise.
Bye, bye.
It's so funny seeing you here.
It's funny for you , delightful for me.
It's always nice to meet a fan, especially one so attractive.
You don't remember me? Yes, of course I remember you.
It's you.
Hey, you.
I can't believe you don't remember.
We dated.
Three times.
Jennifer.
Ellie.
Ellie! Oh, well, here's your floor.
Nice catching up with you.
Oh, brushing me off.
That sounds familiar.
Oh, not that I'm surprised you forgot me.
You spent every day talking about yourself, and then, after we slept together I'm so sorry.
Sorry.
But you could've called me! Sorry! Again, so sorry.
FRASIER: And so it seems I have dated every woman in Seattle.
The well is dry.
The cupboard is bare.
There are no more fish in the sea.
Meanwhile, my dad is engaged.
My brother is expecting his first child.
While I am left to spin aimlessly on the dating hamster wheel.
You like your metaphors, don't you? Well, don't worry, Frasier.
Somewhere in Seattle there's a woman you haven't pissed off and I'm going to find her.
am.
You seem awfully sure of yourself.
I I've successfully matched hundreds of couples, so What kind of woman are you looking for? And don't just say smart, sexyand sophisticated.
Why, don't you have any of those? All right.
Well, it's hard to say what I want.
It's been so long since I've really fallen for someone.
You know that feeling you get after a first date, when you can't even sleep, you just lie there in bed awake, thinking about her? That's what I want.
You're going to make me work for my money, aren't you? Uh, by the way, I do require a payment up-front.
Oh, of course.
My fee is $1 0, 000.
That's awfully steep.
And those ten years of bad dates, how much did they run you? I'll write you a check.
So I gave her the money and I filled out the questionnaire.
Mm.
You fudged a little bit on your answers, right? No, of course not.
Why would I? Because nobody's honest on those things.
There's a code people use.
Like "mature" means old.
"Athletic" means flat-chested.
And, uh, oh "not model thin" means circus fat.
Well, gosh.
She's already sent me out on a date this evening.
But I assure you, I am more interested in personality than looks.
Did you see a photo at least? Of course I saw a photo.
She's got a personality you can bounce a quarter off of.
So where you taking her? Claret-- I intend to take all subsequent dates there as well.
That way I can compare them objectively, you see.
As the woman will be the only variable.
It's basic science.
Yeah.
That's been your dating problem-- not enough science.
Hey, you two.
Here, have a seat.
There you are.
We can only chat for a moment.
We're meeting our doula.
Oh, yes.
Your doula.
Anybody need anything? I'm getting more coffee.
DAPHNE: No, thanks.
We brought fennel tea and some healthy snacks to nibble on.
Oh, huh.
Peanut butter and carrots.
Looks like somebody has some pregnancy cravings.
Yes, I just can't help myself.
Oh, dear, Niles.
Couvade Syndrome? We just call it love.
Yes, well I have a date.
I've signed up with a matchmaking service.
Wait, Frasier, a matchmaker? I'm surprised you' d use a professional for something as personal as your love life.
Well, I could say the same thing about you and your doula.
Well, our professional comes highly recommended.
So does my professional.
Well, our professional is at the top of her field.
As is mine.
Well, our professional charges $200 an hour.
Mine charges $ 1 0, 000.
She sounds fantastic.
Congratulations, Frasier.
Thank you, Niles.
Wish me luck! Good luck.
Wow.
Daphne and Niles? Oh, you must be Harvest.
So nice to meet you.
Oh, this is our friend Roz.
Hi.
A resume detailing my plus a syllabus for further reading.
Well, I am doula impressed.
HARVEST: Now, on page five, you'll find details about my support staff.
There's a masseuse, a shaman, of course, and a drummer.
He used to tour with the Doobie Brothers.
Very talented.
My, sounds expensive.
I can't wait to tell Frasier.
And of course, I insist on a drug-free birthing environment.
Whoa.
Back up.
No drugs? Oh, I want Daphne to be awake and connected to the moment.
A natural childbirth needn't be painful.
It needn't be, but it be.
How painful? Would you have a tooth pulled without Novocain? No.
Well, a tooth is this big.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you wanted to be emotionally present for the birth of your baby, but I see that you just want somebody to dope you up, strap you down and yank it out.
Oh, no, no.
Wait.
Don't go.
Yes, our friend was just leaving.
All right.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
This is a private matter.
You need to do what's right for you.
Ow! Times a million.
FRASIER: Here we are.
WOMAN: Thank you.
There's something wonderful about first dates, isn't there? Oh, thank you very much.
That tingle of anticipation as two perfect strangers march toward endless vistas of possibility.
Well put, Frasier.
Oh, well thank you.
And what do you do? I'm a science teacher.
Ah, serendipity.
I'm a science man myself.
I suppose that's why Charlotte got the two of us together.
Well then, what's your field? Well, my field is biology, but my specialty is creationism.
Oh, well, I find that Excuse me? You know, they're only in first grade, so they don't understand everything, but Brother William, he's our leader, he likes us to get them started young before they get their minds warped by all that fossil nonsense.
Well, you know, I-I realize that Darwin has his detractors, but to call it nonsense seems a bit cavalier, don't you think? Oh, dear.
You're one of those.
You think we're descended from apes? Well, not recently, no.
Do I look like an ape to you? Do I have hairy palms and a big hairy back? Would you like a drink? Oh, yeah.
Bring it on.
But I got to warn you-- I'm a horny drunk.
Last Spring, in Cabo, I wake up one morning under a beach umbrella, stark naked, tequila bottle in one hand, and some guy's tightie-whities on my head.
(chuckling) Whoa, don't I know you from Cabo? (laughs) Remind you of anything? You wish, right? That's, uh, very amusing.
So what do you do for a living? Well, right now I'm back in school.
You see, I've loved animal s my whole life so I figured, why not really go for it, you know? So I'm going to become a taxidermist.
Is something wrong? No.
I was just, uh, admiring your ensemble.
Thanks.
I made it myself.
You know, I have a lot of this fabric left.
I could make you a shirt with a matching hat.
Don't go to any trouble.
Would you like some wine? Nah, the cops took my fake I.
D.
and my dad'll kill me if I get busted again.
So what are you, like, 50? Something like that.
Well, I'm off.
No, you can't.
Our doula's coming specifically to meet you and your father.
She insists on knowing all the members of the baby's energy circle.
Oh, what kind of a kook is she anyway? Harvest is not a kook.
She's assisted at the birth of more than 600 babies and two giant pandas.
She better get here quickly.
I do have a date.
Another one? You're doing fairly well by this matchmaker.
Oh, hardly.
A monkey throwing darts at the Seattle phone book would find me a better mate.
Hell, a dart-throwing monkey wouldbea better mate.
Why don't you fire her? Don't think I haven't considered it.
If tonight's a bust, I'm goito demand my money back.
Niles have you gained weight? Yes, but, you know, you always put on a lot with your first baby.
The hardest part is the mood swings.
Jeez, Niles, don't you think you're taking this sympathetic pregnancy thing too far? I'm simply giving in to the primal cycle of life.
I have no control over it.
In that case, get off my Chanel couch before your water breaks.
Oh, hello.
I'm Dr.
Frasier Crane.
Harvest Finkleman.
Delighted.
Oh.
Well, I'm sorry I can't stay.
Niles and Daphne you know, of course, and this is my dad, Martin Crane.
Ms.
Finkleman-Delighted.
Nice to meet you, Martin.
Likewise.
So are you planning to participate in your grandchild's birth? Oh, no.
I'm kind of old school.
Clean the kid up, slap a bow on her head, then call me in.
Oh! Guess who had their baby.
Brad and Cindy? Oh, I'm so happy for them! He gets very emotional lately.
It was a beautiful experience.
I made a tape, if you'd like to see it.
I would like to not see it.
No, no! This would be good for us-- play it.
It was an 1 8-hour labor.
This should be about two hours into it.
I'm so excited.
Daphne, I can't wait until this is us.
(Cindy screaming on tape) Oh, look at Cindy glow.
CINDY: Mother of God! Just kill me! (Cindy screaming on tape) She seems like she's in a little pain.
That's a boat load of fear.
CINDY: Stop that drum before I put your head through it! She laughed at that afterwards.
I've seen enough.
Wait, wait.
You'll see how Cindy pushes through the pain.
I'm not pushing through anything.
I'm having my baby the way God intended-- in a hospital, numb from the waist down.
Now take your incense and your woo-woo stick and get out.
And you, stop acting pregnant.
You're a man, for God sakes.
Charlotte, where's my date? I am so sorry.
She just called.
She had to cancel.
That does it.
No.
We'll find another evening.
No, Charlotte, we will not.
You have sent me on enough miserable dates, thank you.
Before you fix me up with a doll-collecting war criminal or a hashish-smoking burger flipper, I want out.
And I want my money back.
Frasier, this this is a process.
I have only sent you out on five dates.
Do you cure your patients in five sessions? Well, no, but This client roster is filled with fascinating women.
I just signed a new one this morning-- botany professor, avid bicycle rider, very striking.
But you know what? If you're going to be so impatient, then we should just end this now.
I'll write you a check.
Well, wait.
No, no, no.
I'm sure you'? I do much better on your own.
With $ 1 0, 000, you can download a lot of love.
Well, let's not be too hasty.
That striking, biking botanist sounded like me.
- I don't know.
- Please? Don't beg.
It's a turnoff.
All right.
Why don't I get us some drinks, and then we can talk about our next move? Great.
He's a big radio star.
Smart, really sweet.
So think about it.
Here's my card.
You lied to me.
You have five clients.
There is no roster of eligible women! You looked in my client log? t.
Yes.
I've seen your log, and I've dated every toad on i Is this the guy? No, no, no.
Different guy.
Call me.
I think the police might be interested in this little scam of yours.
It is not a scam.
I I just didn't have time to put the other pictures in.
And I will not work one second with someone who threatens me.
I'll mail you a check.
I'll save you the price of a stamp.
I'll see you at your office tomorrow.
Fine.
I'd say come alone, but that's a given.
Oh! Oh, God! What a crappy, crappy day! Charlotte, are you okay? I can't give you a check.
I've already.
.
.
.
I've already spent the money on rent and food and and these shoes.
These stupid, stupid shoes! Come on, now.
It's okay.
.
No, it's not.
Nothing's okay I lied to you.
I just started this business.
But I'm really good at what I do.
I used to run the biggest matchmaking business in Chicago before I lost it to my rotten ex-husband in the divorce.
Divorce? But you're wearing a wedding ring.
It's camouflage.
It inspires confidence.
I mean, nobody wants a matchmaker I'm divorced.
My business is a joke.
I'm-I'm up t o my ass in debt.
I had to move in with my mother.
I am 35 years old, and I am living with my mother.
How pathetic is that? Well, I I've seen worse.
You mentioned something earlier about having a drink.
Oh, believe me, I will.
If my mother hasn't finished the bottle.
I meant here.
No, I really can't.
I've got to get home.
I have paperwork.
I have calls to make.
It's my treat.
Double Scotch.
So then I spent five soul-sucking years in advertising dreaming up slogans for Crunchios.
"Crunchios are a munchy with your lunchy or your brunchy" That was you? Yeah.
I felt better about myself when I was pushing cigarettes.
Then, one day, I fixed up my boss with my friend, and they ended up getting married.
And thus a career was born.
What better way to make a living than by helping people be happy? So does your old boss toast you every year when he celebrates his anniversary? .
Actually, he's a she now, and my friend's kind of bitter But I got the hang of it after that.
Well, until I lost the business and came here and moved in with my crazy-ass mother.
For what it's worth, it will get easier living with her.
Is that your professional opinion? Actually, it's a personal one.
My dad lives with me.
No.
Mm.
1 1 years.
Yeah.
Yikes.
It does take a while to adjust to each other before you're perfectly in sync.
How long did that take? I'll let you know.
Truth be told, I'm going to miss him when he moves out.
I was missing my mother when I was in Chicago.
Now I just wish she was missing.
I didn't realize it was so late.
Frank's waiting for me at home.
Frank? My boyfriend.
Oh.
Serious? Yes, but he has a fun-loving side, too.
No, I meant the relationship.
Do you lie awake nights thinking about him? A little.
It's still new, but I have my fingers crossed.
Well, good luck with it.
Thank you.
And, if you'll let me, I'm going to find someone fantastic for you, too, Frasier, because you deserve it.
And because you have my $ 1 0, 000.
Are you going to mention that every time you see me? Damn.