Frasier (2023) s01e05 Episode Script

The Founders' Society

I heard the singing down
the hall. Whose birthday was it?
Oh, I don't know. I wasn't there.
- Happy birthday ♪
- It's not my birthday.
So, there was another office gathering
to which I was not invited?
Well, yes, but think of all
the good you're doing.
If not for you,
there wouldn't be an in-crowd.
I can't believe
I'm having such a hard time
fitting in at Harvard.
Kind of hard to fall back
on the old line,
"They're just intimidated
by your intellect."
Don't take it personally.
You're still new.
Besides, no one else we know
was at the party.
Alan, there you are.
There's ice cream, too?
OLIVIA: I was just delivered something
that made me fly over here.
ALAN: Interesting,
because I, too,
received something that, uh,
would be a real feather in my cap.
So, if you got the flu?
It would be avian in nature.
I'm gonna freak out
if I'm not included real soon.
I got the golden plume.
I, too, was plumed.
"You've been cordially invited to attend
"the Founders' Society mixer.
Join the president and fellows
of Harvard University."
What is this?
It's no big deal.
It's just an extremely selective group
of Harvard's brightest minds
who help shape the
university's future. [LAUGHING]
I'm kidding, it's a very big deal.
ALAN: I heard, in their cellar,
they have a bottle of Scotch
from Shackleton's 1917 expedition.
[GASPS] What I wouldn't give
to have a piece of history
like that burn my esophagus.
OLIVIA: Every Harvard president
started out as a member
of the Founders' Society.
Oh, my sister's gonna be so jealous.
Text Monica. [CLEARS THROAT]
- "I'm about to be president."
"I'm about to be pregnant."
Eh, she'll still be jealous. Send.
You know, this is
what's wrong with academia.
Look at the two of you,
acting like a couple of giddy children
because of an invitation for
some pretentious, elitist clique
- that just had to
I got a golden plume.
We all got a plume.
I've got a plume. Oh, my God.
Oh, there they are.
- I'll get it.
- Thank you, Freddy.
- Hey.
you look ravishing.
Well, I tried something fun
with my hair.
Oh, this is so exciting.
The three of us together.
Aren't you all
competing against each other
to get into that club?
Technically, yes,
but we've gamed the system
by forming an alliance.
See, working together allows you
to brag about one other,
which is endearing,
but when you brag
about yourself, it's obnoxious.
Yes, the whole thing was my idea.
It's a brilliant idea.
I mean, with my connections,
Dr. Crane's celebrity, and also Alan,
um, we're shoo-ins
for the Founders' Society.
"The Founders' Society." [LAUGHS]
Isn't this whole thing
just a little pretentious?
- Yes, of course it is.
- Absolutely.
Look, and we all have very
good reasons for wanting to get in.
I mean, I for one would like
to find a place
where I feel like I belong.
- Scotch-related gluttony for me.
- Mm.
Naked ambition here.
Here we are. Champagne. Plus, it gives
Alan and I an opportunity
to exorcise some demons.
Ah, yes, the Bullingdon Club incident.
- A classic story.
It was back when we were both
attending Oxford.
We tried to get into
their most exclusive club,
and while we were pledging
You got lights-out drunk,
and snuck into the library.
Freddy, please.
Olivia and Eve
have not heard this story.
So, once we were inebriated,
we thought we would sneak into
the library and try to steal
Oscar Wilde's walking stick.
Olivia, please.
Eve has not heard this story.
So, once we absconded
with the stick we were
Tackled by a pack
of surprisingly spry librarians
and forever banned from the club.
It was my darkest hour.
I do not sound like that.
So, you've all heard this story?
you and Alan have five stories.
No, no. Have you heard
the one about [LAUGHS]
- we tried to rescue a poodle
from the deck of a catamaran,
and we ended up
ALL: Naked in Denmark.
You know, you tell these stories
so often that I'm afraid
that John's first words are gonna be
"And that crazy drunk chick
turned out to be Princess Margaret."
I apologize for the humiliation
I'm about to inflict on you, Eve,
but you're doing an East Sussex accent,
and I come from West Sussex.
Ooh, Alan, zing.
- [LAUGHS] Oh.
Our chariot awaits. Here we go.
All right, well, you kids have fun.
Don't eat anything endangered.
You really do look fabulous.
- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
Oh, David. Hello. See you soon.
What is up, cousin?
Oh, you know, just excited
about a quiet night in
at home, by myself.
I like the sound of that. I'll join you.
So what is up
in Freddy Land?
Is there a-a Mrs. Freddy on the horizon?
Nope. No girlfriend at the moment.
- That's a shame.
- Mm.
You sure there's nothing
going on between you and Eve?
What? No.
Why not? I mean, you have
all this history,
you've lived together for a while.
Also, you've seen each other
in your pajamas.
David, you know she used to date
my buddy before he
Trust me, nothing can happen there.
Cool, cool. Smart.
In that case, I'm gonna ask her out.
What? No. You can't ask her out.
Got it. You love her. I'll back off.
Okay, David. [CLEARS THROAT]
Please listen to me.
I don't have any feelings for Eve.
Okay? We're just friends.
Understood. I'm clear for takeoff.
No. Oh, my God. Y-You're a teenager.
She's almost 30. Her boyfriend
died barely a year ago.
She has a baby
you're not even allowed to hold.
A baby I'm afraid to hold.
And trust me,
she wants this.
You know what? Go for it.
Ask her out. See what happens.
- Thank you for your blessing.
- Mm-hmm.
Eve, what a lovely surprise.
Why? I live here.
EVE: What? Are you serious?
He cleared you for takeoff?
This place is so stuffy.
I love it.
Looks like the sort of place
you retire to
after a long day hunting man.
Okay, every second counts.
We have two hours to meet and impress
as many members as possible,
after which they will
get together and vote
to select the new inductees.
The most important person
is the chair of the econ
department, Dean Melvin.
He is the head of the society.
What are you doing?
I'm trying on a priceless
antique gauntlet.
- What's it look like I'm doing?
- Why?
Because the helmet
would mess up my hair.
I do not want a repeat
of the Bullingdon club incident.
Please take the gauntlet off
before someone sees you.
It's stuck.
What do you mean, it's stuck?
Give me that.
Curse the tiny hands
of the 14th century chevaliers.
Founders incoming. Be cool.
- Dr. Finch.
- Oh.
- Glad you could make it.
- Oh. [LAUGHS]
Dr. Bowen, Dr. Sharma.
It's so great to see you.
These are my colleagues Dr. Crane
- Yeah, lovely to see you.
- and Dr. Cornwall.
- Oh, thank you so much. Hi.
- Hello.
DR. BOWEN: Dr. Finch,
everyone is buzzing about how you're
the psych department.
Thank you, but Dr. Crane here
is the true game-changer.
Oh, now, Dr. Cornwall
invented game-changing.
Oh, please, game-changing was game over
until Dr. Finch changed
the game-changing game.
You all sound like real game-changers.
- I'm thinking the same thing.
We could use that around here.
it is refreshing to see such a spirit
of camaraderie.
Not everyone here
is always that supportive.
You should know how
to parallel park by now.
We were on a hill.
[LAUGHS] We killed it.
Frasier, your alliance idea
was brilliant.
I think this calls for a drink.
You know, usually
I refrain from statements
that might come back to haunt me,
but I believe that we are
going to get into this club,
and nothing is going
to stop that from happening.
Well, it is a great group of candidates.
It sure is.
It's too bad we only have room
for two new members this year.
So, two spots
three of us.
Puts our alliance
in a precarious situation.
What to do? What to do?
You know, it's times like this
I like to remind myself,
Dr. Crane, I hired you.
Yes, but what's more important:
a job that forces you to work
a soul-crushing eight hours a week,
or a decades-long friendship with a man
whom you recently described
as ravishing?
Or maybe the strongest bond of all
is between two people,
a man and a woman,
whose faces have never been
on a billboard.
FRASIER: All right, let's just stop it.
Two of us can still get in
if we maintain our alliance. Please,
just remember the inspiring
words of Cincinnatus
as he addressed his troops,
"Oblivisci societatis.
Pascamus eam lupis."
To which his crowd cheered,
"Sub curru laciamus eam."
Ah, exactly.
And then Cincinnatus said,
in the spirit of harmony,
"Ita callidi sumus,
plane ea Latine nescit."
I'm so glad we're a team.
- Ah, here comes the happy couple.
- You let him do this?
Well, in my defense,
I thought it would be funny.
And, in my further defense, it was.
It's not that he asked me out.
It's how he asked me out.
What, this charmer? Come on,
couldn't have been that bad.
How'd you ask her out?
Stop. Stop.
DAVID: This is not my forte.
I'm not suave like you are.
You've kissed, what,
four, five girls?
Four [SIGHS] David.
I'm Mr. July
in the firefighters' calendar.
I'm a man in uniform
with a full head of hair.
I-I carry women
out of burning buildings.
You think they just want
to shake my hand after?
Ooh, big talk coming from the
guy sitting at home reading
Little Women. What?
I'd like to see you try coming
of age during the Civil War.
Your cousin has no idea
how to talk to girls.
It would be very nice
if you would help him.
Okay, fine.
David, tonight I'm gonna teach you
how to strike up conversation
with a real live human woman.
That's right,
I am gonna give you the gift
of game.
Loser. Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna stay and help.
Really? How many girls have you kissed?
More than you, babe.
Oh. There he is, Dean Melvin.
[CHUCKLES] Okay, um,
I need to get some air
before I speak to him.
- Do not start without me.
- No, of course.
Of course, of course.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
- What a pleasure to meet you.
- Oh,
likewise. Sorry, I'm just
looking for a bottle opener.
Oh, well, allow me.
Thank you.
Wow, wish you two
were around all the time.
[LAUGHS] I think that could be arranged.
Dean Melvin, hello.
"Voluptatem, ut semper." ­
Oh, Dr. Finch. I'd forgotten
you're a fellow Latin buff.
Not a very useful skill
these days, is it?
Oh, you'd be surprised.
Uh, where are your colleagues?
I think they think that
schmoozing with the waiter
is going to get them into the club.
You know, something
I'm wondering, actually, is,
what is your take on Keynesian
theory versus neoclassical?
What's the difference?
So, what you're saying is
they're really different sides
of the same coin.
You're a trip, man.
- Can I get you a drink?
- Oh, we should be getting you a drink.
Where's that damn waiter?
I don't know. Where is he?
- Almost ready.
- What's with the whistle?
Well, at the fire station we run drills
till we get things right.
Tonight you
are gonna master walking up to
a woman and making small talk.
Eve will be your practice girl.
Can we not refer to me
as a practice girl?
Okay, uh, please approach your
rehearsal human
and introduce yourself.
Hello, milady.
She's not Maid Marian. Go back,
try again.
Speak like people your own age.
Sup, queen?
Nope. Do it again.
This is really hard.
Are you sure I have to talk
to someone to date them?
Uh, let's just pretend you're at a club.
Talk about your surroundings.
It's really loud in here!
Yeah, that was my bad.
Let's say it's a coffee shop.
How loud is it?
You're the only two people there.
Why? Does it have a bad health score?
- David.
- Sorry, sorry.
- Who's your favorite magician?
So, you want to hear
some facts about whales?
What's your favorite word?
Mine's a tie between
"conquistador" and "lemon."
I'm a gentleman, so I'll ask first,
may I smell your hair?
Want to guess how many toes I have?
Hint, it's lower.
Why am I so bad at this when my father
was such a ladies' man?
You're making this way too hard.
Keep it simple.
Confidence is attractive.
Stand straight. Freddy, show him.
Then just try
to make eye contact. Freddy?
If she looks away, she's not feeling it,
but if she looks back, she might be.
Then just to make conversation. Freddy?
I noticed the book you were reading.
Any good?
Yeah, it's so good.
- I actually already finished it.
- Oh.
- Do you want to borrow it?
- I'd love to,
but then I'd need to get your number.
You know, so I can return it.
I hope you're a fast reader.
I'm really bad at reading people,
but I could've sworn
you two were into each other.
Great acting. Even you, Eve.
FRASIER: So you play
quite an important role here?
I'm just here to serve people.
Such a noble way of looking at it.
That's what I keep trying
to tell my mom.
Well, she's a fool if she's not proud.
You guys get me.
Listen, I should probably
go out and make the rounds.
Yes, of course. We just wanted
some face time with the dean.
Who's Dean?
Well, you are. [CHUCKLES] Dean Melvin.
I'm Kevin. That guy's Dean Melvin.
What are you doing?
I'm attempting to flip her the bird.
Hey, listen,
if you guys want to get high later,
just let me know.
I'm in.
Dean Melvin loved me
and said that he will make sure
that I am accepted,
but, more importantly,
"Servus te amavit?"
Well, he asked us to get high,
so I think he liked us pretty well.
Well, good news for you is that
Dean Melvin is interested
in my recommendation
for the final spot.
And, for the record, I am
very open to accepting bribes.
Oh, please, Olivia,
our friendship is rock solid.
We're not about to start
competing with each other
I'll give you my son.
Don't play so coy, sister. I've
seen the way you look at him.
I know when he showers. I can get you
What the hell am I doing?
What you're doing
is making a deal. Keep talking.
I know I've said no
a hundred times, Olivia,
but now I am prepared [DEEP INHALE]
to go ice-skating with you.
Alan, do not mess with me.
Oh, come on, it's obvious
who's Founders' Society
material around here.
Hint: it's the one of us
who doesn't need a can opener
to check his watch.
ALAN: So we're just trading jabs now,
are we? Fine.
Then it is time
to throw down the gauntlet.
- Oh, that would've been so good.
- Hmm.
Decide between yourselves
and then let me know.
Right now Alan is ahead.
- Text Monica.
"I finally found a skating partner."
- "I finally found a mating partner."
That is much better.
All right.
I think I've come up with a solution
that'll make us both happy.
Go on.
You bow out.
What? Why should I bow out?
Because this is important to me,
and as far as I can tell,
nothing is important to you.
Plus, you owe me.
I owe you? What the hell does that mean?
You know perfectly well what it means.
Explain it to me
like I'm a student at Tufts.
are the one
who wanted to steal Oscar Wilde's cane.
You are the one who wanted
to play with that poodle.
You take nothing seriously,
and I am always the one
who has to pay a price for it.
You make me sound
like some reckless buffoon.
Anyway, this place
isn't that great, you know.
A huge crack in that table.
Will you please, please
not ruin this one thing for me?
I see.
I had no idea
this is how you felt about us,
and I'm very sorry.
I will of course bow out, and I'll
help you secure that final spot.
Thank you.
Now, let's go talk me up
to some of the other members.
We're almost out of time.
Uh, if I may, uh,
one tiny request first.
I'd like you to help me meet
a rather special lady.
Really? Who is the intoxicating
little creature, eh?
ALAN: She's beautiful, isn't she?
Gorgeous. Now, can we go?
You act like you've never seen
a bottle of alcohol before.
It's a vintage Chateau Chien Blanc.
Oh, I'll give you two some privacy.
I noticed something on the way
in. I just want to check it.
Ah, Lady Chien.
Well, I don't mean to brag,
but I was right.
- About?
- Well, on our way in here,
I accidentally locked the door,
and we're stuck down here.
Yeah, I know, I know, we're both upset.
If only there were something
in this room that could help
calm our nerves.
All right, David,
this is the final drill.
Releasing you into the wild.
Remember, the goal
is just to meet someone
and have a conversation.
You see anyone interesting?
I don't know if I can do this.
I forgot how people talk.
Maybe I could just build
a girlfriend. That seems easier.
I don't disagree, but, uh,
I think you should give it a try.
I need a drink.
He's joking about building
a girlfriend, right?
I don't know. I've seen the schematics.
Tonic soda, grenadine back,
don't skimp on the ice.
Just taking the edge off.
I'm I'm really nervous.
Oh, I get it.
I'm the same way.
Uh, sometimes, when I'm nervous,
I close my eyes
and recite state capitals.
I do the same thing with presidents.
Yes. We can both say Lincoln.
Uh, you know what really calms me down?
Sniffing old books?
Get out of my head.
Th-There's an old bookstore
around the corner,
if you want to go check it out.
I'd love to. [CHUCKLES]
Sorry, guys.
I-I don't think
it's gonna work out tonight.
I'll do better next time, I promise.
Did he just pick up a girl
without even realizing it?
You know, now and then,
in this workaday world,
things do happen in a delightful
storybook fashion,
and what a comfort it is.
Is that a quote from Little Women?
It's a classic for a reason.
No signal down here, of course.
So, the Founders' Society
mixer is almost over,
the only people we've mixed with
are each other and Kevin.
And, again, I'm sorry.
I promise you, in future,
I won't pull you into any more
of my silly antics.
Now, just put your hands like this.
Thank you.
Well, we're gonna be down here awhile.
We might as well have something
warm in our bellies.
Oh, yes.
This is a big joke. Does
anything actually matter to you?
I can think of two things
I care deeply about:
my cat and you.
I was sure you were going to say Scotch.
I know I can be flippant
about things, and that
you've had to pay the price, so
I'm sorry if I've
mucked things up again.
Thank you.
And I'm sorry if I seem to take
things a bit too seriously sometimes.
I've always wondered why that is.
You know, it's funny.
The thing about me is, I
I've always wanted to fit in
somewhere, you know?
I mean, even when I was back in Boston,
I-I used to be
a regular at a bar, and yet
Nobody knew your name?
Well, not-not exactly, but, um
I still have this longing
to find the place where I belong.
Ugh, have you still got passion?
We're in our 60s, man.
What's wrong with "good enough"?
What's wrong with "this'll do"?
What's wrong with
limping towards the finish line?
What's wrong? Well, let's see.
We're locked in a basement,
uh, you've got a, a gauntlet
stuck on your arm.
And you're drinking century-old booze
with your best-looking friend.
Sounds delightful.
The only thing I would change
is that terrible Scotch.
Why am I chewing?
Well, if nothing else, consider this,
we've got the sixth story
to bore everyone with.
That's a hell of a silver lining.
[LAUGHS] You know, I don't remember
one thing about that Bullingdon Club,
but I'll never forget
being tackled by those
rabid librarian bullies.
[LAUGHS] Gosh.
That is something
I will always remember.
Me, too.
So you're no longer mad at me
for messing up your evening?
No, of course not.
Good, because I lied
about the door being locked.
What? You mean the door's
been unlocked all this time?
No, no, have a look. There isn't a door.
What? You locked me in a room
without a door?
Not bad for a reckless buffoon.
No, I just thought we ought to,
uh, hash things out.
I've certainly learned my lesson.
Who cares about this ridiculous club?
I've got you. I don't need them.
Dr. Crane. I've been dying
to speak with you all night.
We would be honored if you
would like to join our society.
I'd love to.
The fact that you paused at all
is a huge step forward.
FRASIER: Y'all know how this goes.
Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
Yeah, maybe. But I got you pegged.
But I don't know
what to do with those ♪
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Life's callin' again. ♪
Good night, everybody!
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