Fresh Meat (2011) s01e04 Episode Script

(CHANTING) Drink, drink, drink, drink! Drink, drink, drink, drink! Drink, drink, drink, drink! First time Er, I don't remember much.
I know his name was Onion And I got him to do it again, cos first time, I was like, "Nah, mate, seriously! "I want my money back.
" (LAUGHS) Ha-ha-ha-ha.
OK, er Full moon party, Thailand.
Er, it was literally so random.
Um amazing.
I don't remember his name.
I thought you said his name was Lars and he's your Facebook friend And he sends you a virtual chicken every week on Farmville.
I've I've nailed a lot of guys.
I've been sent a lot of chickens.
I don't keep a book, sweetheart.
I can confirm that - technically speaking - I'm not a virgin.
Come on, what's the story? I've got my own methods.
We can get into it if you insist, but I may need Some graph paper and a medical encyclopaedia.
Yeah.
Why don't we come back to that another night? So, um, I was on holiday, as you do.
And, um There was this babe on the caravan site.
She was a friend of my family and, um, she sort of ran the site.
And, er, one night, in her luxury caravan, it just happened.
She ran the site? How old were you? Just the normal age.
- 12.
- ALL: 12?! How old was she?! Old enough! What, like 50? Not 50.
Maybe - 35? - ALL: 35?! What?! It was like a Mrs Robinson thing.
Mrs Robinson the paedo! And how was it for you? It was good.
Yeah.
Not my best ever.
But a good, basic sex.
She showed me the ropes.
The ropes? Positions.
Techniques.
Yeah.
Stored all the info away, like a sex squirrel.
(CHUCKLES) Anyway.
Well, um, there's nothing unusual about Popping your cherry with a family friend.
(PHONE BUZZES) I actually dislodged my V-plates on my birthday, When my Uncle Paulo took me to Southampton.
Yeah.
I don't think we should play this game any more.
Right, there's nothing bad about it.
I don't think I want to hear this.
He bought me a hooker for my 18th.
- ALL: Urgh! - What?! She wasn't a munter! She was dockside fine.
(DOOR SLAMS) We're out of beer! Grisly details down the pub? Who's with me? Guys? Where've you been? I've got to be home by ten.
Gina'll be back from Zumba.
- Sorry.
- Mmm.
You look amazing.
So, would it be very tacky, or very sexy, to do it on the desk? Tacky or sexy? Sexy? Tacky? Er your desk? I think it'll hold.
I thought we were going to go for tapas.
Oh, absolutely we're going for tapas.
I want you to tell me what you thought of Bonnie versus Germaine, the two Greers war on Newsnight Review.
Well, you know that I think that Bonnie is obviously King Greer.
Brilliant.
The thing is, we're on a tight schedule and I don't think they'll let us do it at the tapas place.
Not after last time.
(CHUCKLES) Mmm.
Ooh, I dunno I just What about the car? - What, like dogging? - Do you like that? No! Um How about the floor? It's a good thought, but it's kind of burny, industrial carpet.
- (FOOTSTEPS) - Did someone follow you? - No! - (KNOCKING) Bin.
I'm sorry for making you stay late, But I need to talk to you due to a certain ontological confusion.
Er, your recent work has been showing signs of what I would call Thank you.
Er - hegemonic historicism.
- Yeah.
So, it's very important that Oooh! (SIGHS) Phew.
That was close.
Still, exciting, huh? Yeah Pretty exciting.
I am bored I'm the chairman of the bored I'm a lengthy monologue I'm living like a dog I am bored I bore myself to sleep at night I bore myself in broad daylight Cos I'm bored! Right, Howie.
Me, you, pub, tonight? Screw all these other assholes.
Let's just do one, me and you.
Let's get you hooned with the Hoon Dog.
My metabolism has a very unique way of processing alcohol.
No-one has ever, or will ever, witness Howard drunk.
What's this? - It's a list.
- Of what? Of everything.
Fudge good.
Denim good.
Rollerblading bad.
You are quite a specimen, my friend.
Like, two columns, good and bad.
My ultimate aim is to list all known things known to man.
For instance, double Gloucester - that's good.
Red Leicester - that's bad.
Deep Impact - good.
Armageddon - definitely bad.
At first, I thought Coke Zero was bad.
Now I'm thinking maybe it's good.
I just need more time to think about it.
It's actually quite a complicated product.
Are you on the spectrum? I mean, it's exactly shit like this Which is why you need to come with me to the pub, tonight, for a bev-er-age.
I suppose I could come, in order to be able to categorise accurately.
Exactly.
I can teach you how to become a normal, walking, talking, Homo sapien.
A wolf in sheep's clothing.
I'll learn all I can about the "normals".
And then, eventually, I'll use it against them.
Exactly(!) Do you want to talk about it? - Talk about what? - How you lost your virginity.
It's a true story.
Yeah, I know.
It's just you were 12.
And I I just wondered if maybe that's where your issues come from? - What issues? - It's just A woman who was meant to be looking after you had sex with you.
- It doesn't sound great, does it? - Josie Plus a caravan site.
What if she still works there? Don't you think it's your duty to report it? Josie, we don't need to do anything.
Because What I said wasn't it.
She did exist, the woman, but we never actually Oh.
So, why did you say you did? Oh! Blimey! Oof! Um Aw Kingsley.
- What? What are you thinking? - Ahh! Oh, you are way off the scent, sister, I can tell you that for sure.
It is nothing to be embarrassed about.
It's not what you think.
But if it is, which obviously it is, You wouldn't say anything to anybody, would you? Not to the others, or your friends, or your parents? Why would I tell my parents? It's just because of my mum.
- I never really got a chance to Honestly, Kingsley, virginity's only a big deal until you lose it.
I mean, I made Dave wait, like, ages, And then we did it and I was like, "Is that it?".
Even now, I'm not really sure what all the Fuss is about.
Do you know what I mean? No! No.
God.
Um, sorry.
Look.
I promise I won't tell another soul.
Kingsley's a virgin! So, there must be some sort of uni health club or something.
I mean, you work out, right? No.
Pretty unfit.
Not from where I'm standing.
(CLICKS TONGUE) I can't do exercise, cos I've got severe athlete's foot.
I like to think of it as the very definition of irony.
Would you, er, excuse us, ladies? What are you doing?! They don't want to hear about your fucking foot! I'm just being myself.
Why the fuck would you want to do that?! That is literally the most stupid thing I've ever heard.
I'm here to teach you how to be a real person.
Well, mebbe I don't want to be taught.
OK.
Well, don't think of it as teaching, then.
Think of it as a systems upgrade, From Howard XP to Howard Vista.
- Right? - Vista had security issues.
Oh, fuck! It's Ralph.
Right, OK.
Here we go.
- Why are you so nervous? - I'm not nervous! Shut up! Look, I'm going to go over there.
You stay here.
I'll stay here.
But you're the one that asked me out.
OK.
Come with me, but you'd better be mute, OK? You're my slave.
People don't have slaves any more.
Sure they don't(!) The cherimoya is a fruit that originates from which country? - Peru.
- Dunno, mate.
So, I was thinking of going maybe to see Ross's DJ set.
You up for it? China, India, Malaysia or Peru? Peru.
Was, mate.
Meant to be a large one.
Only lassie who's sorting us out for Class As has got meningitis, Which, don't get me wrong, is a tragedy, but dude, keep it real! What I mean, if you need any shit I could always pick it up for you.
- For reals? - Yeah, totes, bruv.
Whatever you want.
Fuck it, I'm gonna say "Peru".
- MACHINE: Correct answer! - Yeah, baby, I'm a gee-nee-us! Well, if you're serious then here.
We want the lot, everything on there.
The ring ouzel is a type of what bird? Duck.
Yeah, cool.
No problems.
That would be a duck.
- (MACHINE) Incorrect answer! - What the fuck?! Hi, Kingsley.
Do you mind if we just? How are you, Kingsley? Yeah, fine.
I'm just doing a bit of reading.
Me and Oregon were just talking about society.
Yeah, how it's so sort of sexualised nowadays.
- Is it? - Definitely.
I mean, you look in school playgrounds, all the girls are wearing thongs, all the boys are comparing dick sizes.
Are they? Porno on your iPhone, sex tips in your Ready Brek.
Society's always putting pressure on people to do things, you know? People are always, like, "Have you done this? Have you done that?" I mean, I've never tried risotto.
Who cares?! Maybe I'm just waiting for the right risotto.
Have you been talking to Josie? - No! - Yeah.
She told us.
For fuck's sake! What? Don't worry, Kingsley.
We won't tell anyone.
- Where are you going? - For a walk.
Have you really never had risotto? Ahem.
I'm not talking to you.
Go away.
Oh, we didn't mean to! It just happened.
He told me not to tell anyone.
Then you shouldn't have told us.
Well, it just came out! Bollocks! Why can't I keep a secret? Look, we were thinking There is something you could do, maybe, to, like, make it up to him.
Yeah.
You could always offer to, you know What? Make it up to him.
Ew! You can't feel that bad, then.
Yeah, if you felt that bad, you'd at least think about it, wouldn't you? Would I? I would.
God, if I'd betrayed a friend like that I mean, yeah.
Why not? All you'll have to do is put your vagina over his penis, for like, five seconds, and, technically, He's not a virgin any more.
Yeah.
Hop on, hop off.
Like a city bus.
I mean, I guess it's not a completely mad idea.
What?! Nothing! No.
I mean, if you're up for it, you should go for it.
I'm not up for it, I just wanna make things OK with Kingsley.
And, also, I guess It's nice to help.
Exactly.
You're in Greenpeace and Oxfam.
This is closer to home.
Well, yeah.
I mean, when you think about it, it's kind of like Donating your organs.
What about Dave? How do you feel about Dave? Ohh I mean, last night you blanked about ten of his calls.
No, I didn't.
You did.
Well, I'm a bit confused, because me and Dave The thing is I mean I was so worried about coming here, because of how much I'd miss him, And he said not to worry, but now that we're away from each other, it's like I did miss him.
I have missed him.
A bit.
But, at the same time, I don't actually miss him, Most of the time, really, at all.
In fact, I'd say sometimes I'm really, really glad he's such a long way away.
Why don't you just talk to him? And say what? Call him.
Tell him how you feel.
I don't want to break up with him.
Sounds like maybe you should.
Really? Do you think so? Do you? It hadn't occurred to me, but if you think I Should, then maybe I should.
Do you think? It is weird, I don't know.
Too weird? But If you're gonna break up with your boyfriend And then offer to shag one of your housemates, That's the sort of thing you should be really sure about.
I mean, That's the kind of thing you should not rush into.
Fiver says she does it.
Done! Wait, no I totally think she's gonna do it.
OK, tenner.
Done.
Wait Fuck! Essays due in at the end of the week and, here's an idea, why not read it and see what you think, rather than calling up Professor Internet Explorer.
Oregon, could I see you for a second, please? I just wanted to say Sorry it's all been a bit disappointing lately.
Life But my wife's publisher is coming over for dinner tomorrow.
The last thing I want to do is watch them mentally fuck each other over a Caesar salad.
And you're amazing, obviously.
So, I hope you don't mind, but I've booked us a hotel, For a bit of a treat for us.
Oh! It's not a Travelodge, is it? It's not a Travelodge, is it? No! God.
Ohhh I've got to finish my essay tomorrow night.
Well, if you want to hand it in late, I can always give you an extension.
What? Joke.
No.
Can we just keep things separate, OK? In here, you're my tutor.
And there, well, you can still be my tutor, cos it's kind of hot, but don't mix the two things together.
OK? Totally.
In here, Professor Shales, out there, Tony.
Tony don't need no essays.
Tony don't worry about no prostate.
Tony's the good-time guy.
Thank you, Oregon.
(SIGHS) (LAUGHS) How's your essay? Really good.
Yeah.
I wouldn't mind reading it for you, if you need a second opinion.
Nah.
That's cool, it's OK.
How's yours going? Hm? Mm.
You know they've never made this? You Mm, what? Have you read it? What did I just say? They've never made it.
Not even a teatime BBC cheapo.
How am I supposed to read it if they can't be bothered to make it?! Can you just summarise it for me, a little bit? I think you should read it.
It's really good! Ah, Vod Just the girl I wanted to see.
Um, you know how you're a junkie? Vod is not a junkie.
Whatever.
Like a junkie.
Well, basically, I need to get my hands on all of this.
Yeah.
Ha-ha.
Uh-huh.
OK.
You know the cab office, next to Kebabylon? Ask for Pat.
Say I sent you.
Could you come with me? You know, it'd just be really cool for us to hang.
No chance, mate.
Essay due.
And this bitch is saying I've got to read the fucking book.
Wingman.
Are you pissed off with me? No! Don't worry about it.
I'll read the book.
If you can read the book, I can read the book.
I'll read the book.
And then, I'll write the best fucking essay you ever read.
Be top of the class.
And then, when you ask me for help, you know what I'll say? No.
Shh! I'm trying to read.
(MONKEY-LIKE NOISES) Ahh-rrr-aahh-ahhh! (SHEEP-LIKE) Mahhh! (MONKEY NOISES) Ahhh-ah-ahhh! Hi, Kingsley.
I'm really sorry about Vod and Oregon finding out They didn't "find out", did they, Josie? You told them.
They got it out of me.
Anyway, um, I wanted to ask you Um, I have a proposition for you.
Not a proposition.
Um You have an obstacle.
You're a colleague.
And I have the, um, natural resources available to me To facilitate a solution.
What natural resources? What are you talking about? Sex.
(CRASH!) God, is that? It's fine.
What were you saying? So, yeah, no biggy.
Um just talking about us Having sex.
Yes, please.
I mean yeah, no, that could work, I dunno.
I guess.
Or not.
But, yeah, gut reaction, could work.
And, um, I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, "Yeah, but Josie's got a boyfriend," But the fact is, I'm going to be breaking up with him, So I'll be, like, single and free and you'd really be doing me the favour, Because, after such a long time with the same person, It would just be so great for me to get the chance to bust some moves.
Well, I mean, it just sounds like it would be a mutually useful enterprise.
Exactly! So, you want to? I don't mean I just I mean, you would be interested in the deal I'm proposing? Er, yeah.
Yeah, sure, I'm interested.
I'm an interested party.
Great! So How do we? I guess we just put something in the diary, right? Exactly.
Let's diarise this mo-fo.
Exactly.
Let's diarise this mo-fo.
We could pencil in, say, tomorrow? Tomorrow? Seems feasible.
Around eight o'clock? Eight it is.
This is a good arrangement.
This is a good arrangement.
OK.
In the text, words from the past Hold down the page to keep what's fast In reality to come what may Knowing what you really say You make your life just like a play Like I knew before would come the future.
How come you're up? Have you ever read this? No.
Is it good? Yeah.
Yeah.
I think it's kind of amazing.
(PRESSES AUTODIAL) Hi, Dave! It's me.
Yeah, um I just wanted to have a chat about something.
Are you? Oh! Are they? Of course.
No, no, I didn't.
That's one of the reasons why I What? No, n-no, don't.
Don't.
Dave.
Dave.
(CHEERFUL) Hello! Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, Dave's nana Happy birthday to you.
Hey, Sheepy.
We're drinking.
You drinking? With the rest of the ape team? I dunno.
I'm a bit worried they might fashion a weapon from a bone and club me to death.
(LAUGHS) Don't take this the wrong way, but when I said you should switch to drama, I didn't think you'd actually do it.
Yeah, it was it was a few things.
It wasn't just you.
Sure.
I should apologise.
I just have this effect on people.
If I was an insect, I would have warning stripes.
Yeah, and if I was a bird, I might eat you anyway.
Listen, the others are all down the bar.
I'll stand you a tequila? I meant eat you like an insect.
Not rude, just Yeah.
PUBLIC ENEMY: Rebel Without a Pause Yes The rhythm, the rebel Without a pause, I'm lowering my level The hard rhymer Where you never been, I'm in Are you in character? No! Just Don't worry about it, OK? I've got it covered.
So why am I here? Because you're my wingman now.
How long do I have to be Wingman for? Right, it's not "Wingman", Howard.
You're not a fucking superhero.
Now, go and talk to the guy.
You've got nothing to lose.
Absolutely not.
Yes, boys.
How can I help you? Well, boss, could, er Could you hook us up with a er, cab? Yes, mate.
Where to? Well, blud, we need it to Lashville.
You get me? You got a postcode? Not a cab! A cab.
Yeah? To Mount Snowdon.
Highest peak in the UK.
(SNIFFS) Mash-up.
We're here to see Pat.
Violet sent us.
Through there.
Safe.
Wait There's something not right about this.
OK, great.
Let's go.
We can't! Ralph needs his stuff.
Can't just you go in? I mean, you've got so much less to lose than I do.
Why do you keep saying that?! Because it's true? Look at us! I mean, I'll probably end up being Prime Minister or something one day.
I don't want to be.
It's just That kind of shit happens to guys like me.
What difference does it make to you? If you get sent down, so what? You've got your Xbox.
You get three meals a day.
No offence, but I think you'd actually fit in quite well with the nonces.
How could that not be offensive? (SIGHS) I can't stay long, I've got to be home by 7, 7.
30 at the latest.
Hello, darling! You've got a cat?! I had a word with the provost.
You have a harp?! Oh, it's just for decoration.
Come.
Sit.
So, listen, I was wondering Um How do you make yourself cry like that in class? It's amazing.
Well, I've, um I've had a lot of practice.
So do you want to do this? Do I? Well The question is what? Because, if it's backgammon, then yes.
If it's a more I can't guarantee you won't get hurt.
Do you mean physically, or in a more emotional sense? Shall we I mean, because Different species Maybe we shouldn't Or maybe it's OK.
Wow.
Wowee.
Yeah.
Oh.
Do I just take it off, yeah? Obviously.
What time is it? Got somewhere you need to be? Sorry, I just don't want to be late.
I'm not Ah.
Wow.
No, I just I said I'd be home by 7.
30.
Is that bad? OK.
First, you've never used a condom before - naughty boy Now you're out the door like a bullet.
It's not like that.
Really, I've had an amazing time.
Cuddle? Cuddle? No! Don't spoil it Um, are you? I mean, was it all OK? It worked.
God, I've had such an amazing I'm so sorry.
Can I call you? No! Go on.
Out! (MONKEY-LIKE) Ooh-ooh-ooh-ahh-ahh! (SHEEP-LIKE) Baa.
Mission accomplished.
So, shall we get the pre-lash going with a bit of cha-cha-cha-ching? Love to, P, only we'd better get going.
Cool.
Um there may be a problem.
Trainers, mo-fo.
Well, couldn't you maybe just lend me something of yours? Sorry, mine's custom-made.
It would be like lending you my fountain pen or something.
Yeah.
Um, er Howard, um Lend me your shoes! No.
A good wingman will always relinquish his shoes! A good wingman will always relinquish his shoes! No! You kids have fun.
Make yourselves at home.
Bridget will show you where everything is, won't you? Bridget will show you where everything is, won't you? Fuck you.
Howard, just get your stuff together.
I don't have any stuff.
I don't have any stuff.
Can we just go? We've got so to discuss.
We're not even close to a decision on France.
Or chess.
Or BOTH: Kettle Chips! I love Kettle Chips.
How do you like it, Mrs Brown? I love it, Mr Brown.
This is more like it, right? Yep.
I've finished my essay, so we've got all the time in the world.
Yeah, well, tell Professor Shales about the essay.
Tony's all about the poontang.
Ha.
Yeah It's about the absence of femininity.
You know there's not one single woman in the whole book? You know there's not one single woman in the whole book? Brilliant.
You managed to finish it.
Beverage? Er, yes, please.
Why the face? What face? Gin and tonic OK? Yes, please.
When I said about the absence of femininity.
Oh, it's a good angle.
But? I've seen a lot of undergraduate Susan Sontag impressions, that's all.
Anyway, let's keep things separate.
Here.
Whose is the shopping? Oh, it's mine.
There's a really big Asda, so I thought Minibar prices and all that.
Cheers.
Cheers.
So, what's the breakfast like? I love the tiny jams.
I don't know, go crazy, have mine.
I think it's buffet style, but I don't know, go crazy, have mine.
I think it's buffet style, but Why can I have yours? Oh, I can't stay.
I've got ice cream in the shopping.
I said I was at the pub quiz, so 11 at the latest.
You're leaving me here? It'll be fun, a night in a hotel! What?! You said You said you'd booked something special! This isn't special, it's seedy! You might as well have booked a motel and paid me by the hour! Oh, don't be like that.
(SIGHS) Why have you got a boner?! I haven't got a boner! I'm upset, we're having an argument and you've got a boner?! I haven't got a boner! It's just the way my trousers Look, look, look! All right.
I find you exciting.
I find this exciting.
I'm sorry, I can't help it.
But we don't have to do stuff.
We can just chat.
It's not seedy if we chat, is it? You want to chat? Of course I do.
Look, this isn't all just about, you know for me.
This is about you, as a person.
Come on, I want to talk more about you, about your time in Cambodia Thailand.
Thailand.
The Israeli guy, Could roll really enormous joints? That was funny.
Yes.
He was quite fun.
Oh, God, so good.
Mm.
God, that was good.
Good girl.
Good girl.
(BREATHLESS) Oh! I'm telling you, this essay It's probably going to fucking revolutionise The entire history of history.
I can't believe how fun it is, writing an essay, When you've read the book! Glad you enjoyed it.
Well, you're back early.
Yeah, kind of shit night in the end.
I'd love to hear about it, but I've got another thousand words to go.
How's it going, Kingsley? Doing something? Nothing special.
Glass of milk.
Good idea.
Good for you.
Keep your strength up.
Strengthens the bones MUFFLED ROCK MUSIC MUSIC STOPS KNOCKS JOSIE: Come in! Um music.
I didn't know about music.
I did candles, cos you can't go wrong with candles.
Come in.
Come in.
But music's one of those personal taste things, isn't it? Dave likes to do it to a beat.
Sit down.
Maybe that's too much.
And, also - here - I didn't know what kind of beat you'd want.
A heavy beat might be too much pressure, But if you don't have any beat, and it's soft, is that just too cheesy? What if the lyrics are embarrassing? But, then, if you have no music and it's all just quiet, And all you can hear are sounds cos sometimes when I get nervous, I get a dry mouth and make this clacking sound, like (TONGUE CLICKS) Like a Like that, like a kind of (TONGUE CLICKS) So, I was thinking, If we get under the covers and start from there.
Um Listen, Josie You've changed your mind.
Is it the candles? It's too much, isn't it? No, no! It's not that.
You look better in candlelight, don't you? In case you saw me and decided that you didn't fancy me.
Josie, I fancy you.
I mean, not actually fancy obviously.
It's not gonna get complicated.
But, I can look at you And understand how a generic person could fancy you.
The main thing is you did it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't think it doesn't count, just because you didn't No? No! No, that's quite normal, I'd think, first time round.
I mean, you got it in.
And that is the main thing.
Mm.
It does work.
Normally.
Just cos I When I do it myself, sort of thing.
When I do it myself, sort of thing.
That's good.
I just think under the pressure, probably, of the situation, It didn't want to actually give forth.
Mm.
I did enjoy myself, though.
Yeah.
Yeah.
MOBILE BUZZES What about you? Me? Was it weird? First time after splitting up with Dave? Ha! Yeah Yes and no.
Ish.
The main thing for you is, though, you came in this room a virgin And you're leaving it not a virgin.
How does that make you feel? It feels yeah.
Really brilliant.
Anyway thank you.
Thank you very much.
It's nothing.
Quite all right.
Thank you.
Ah.
PARTY BLOWERS TOO Yay! Cherry pie? Come on.
MADONNA: Like A Virgin What's happening? Are you guys having a party without me? Fuck's sake, guys.
The other day, When I asked if someone wanted to come to the pub with me, None of you could be bothered.
Am I just the posh idiot That you all secretly hate? ALL: No! Of course not! We thought you were out.
Kingsley lost his virginity five seconds ago.
But I thought The story about the paedo? Bullshit! It wasn't a paedo story.
You were a virgin?! Whoa, sorry.
The Pussyman was a virgin? Yeah, you made me feel shiny and new Valiant effort, especially considering your apparent phobia Of spellchecking.
Well done, Oregon.
Great work.
Very original.
Oh, wow! Well done.
Vod.
Your opening salvo was certainly impressive.
"I read this book.
" I read the whole thing.
"I really loved it.
It was fucking brilliant.
" Yeah.
Oh, I know you read it.
You make repeated references to you experiencing reading it.
This isn't an online blog, Miss Nordstrom.
This is a literature class.
And we expect you to at least engage some of your critical faculties.
Do you know what those are? Yeah.
Well, then.
Fucking well use them! Here's a critical faculty - what a fucking cunt! Do you know what I mean? Yeah.
DOOR SLAMS Red Bee Media and APOLLO