Fresh Meat (2011) s02e01 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 1
This programme contains very strong language So great to be here, man.
Exeter was shit to be honest.
There was loads of "Rah, rah, rah" type geezers you know? Oh man, tell me about it, I hate those geezers! It is literally impossible to spend more than a 20 in here.
Now, listen, young Padawan, there are things that I must teach you if you are to succeed here in the land of the £2 pint.
The cheat codes for North of Hendon? You see, the Northerner is trusting and loyal, like a gun dog.
But when riled become mistrustful and easily confused, like a sort of angry hen.
Now, you must also learn their tongue.
'Owt' is any, 'nowt' is none, 'ta' is thanks, 'mint' is good, 'tea' is supper, 'dinner' is lunch, a 'barm cake' is a sort of bap, a 'bap' is a tit and a 'tit'is a tit.
Now the Northerner is a friendly sort by nature, but will become irascible if they feel taunted.
So until you have ascertained their level, it's very important to pretend to be one of their own.
Alright, our kid, will you take us down Withington for a quid? JP, is he a cabby? They're all cabbies in the north, Giles, for a price! Kingston on Thames! What up K-dubs, you came back! For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, JP.
Yeah, pussyman, I think some muff's got stuck on your chin.
What, this old thing? I've always had this, haven't I? No.
BUZZER I get it.
You're peacocking.
Billy Goat Muff.
New term, new image.
I'm just letting it do its thing.
A thing is as a thing does.
BUZZER That's that.
This is one of those.
That carries on up there.
Don't know what that does.
In there's what you'd think.
That's fucked.
This makes a weird noise but if you smack it - it stops for a bit.
This doesn't close.
That doesn't open.
It always smells like that up here.
And this would be yours.
Free meat? Perks of the job.
Abattoir.
How surprising.
Yeah, what actually is it? It's spare meat.
From the loose meat bin.
It's OK.
It's from animals and that! But which? Oh, hark at the gourmand.
I dunno.
Little bit of this, little bit of that.
Grab a handful.
Fry it up.
Meatabix.
Hello, losers! Everyone, Heather.
Heather - everyone.
We met on practical week, she's a mental dental, my new bezzie AND we're forming a clique.
A clique? Yeah, we'll be forming an in-group and ridiculing outsiders.
Hey, Josie.
Oh? You're back? Yeah, just Newtonian.
You know.
Right.
Is there something wrong with your face? I'm just letting it do its thing.
A thing is as a thing does.
Look, I just wanted to say, New term, clean slate? I've got a new mate, you've got a newthat, and It's cool, honey.
'Honey'? We don't need a new slate.
There's nothing wrong with the old slate.
Everything just is what it is so why stress anything? Are you all right, Kingsley? Have you, have you had a fall? I've always yo'd.
No, you haven't.
I'm off to see Professor Shales, how do I look? Hot.
What? It's a scientific fact.
Right.
This is, er, Sabine, she's here about the room.
Sabine - everyone.
Hello.
Yes.
Now I would like to check your water pressure and smoke alarms.
Go crazy.
'The room'? Yeah.
Paul Lamb, the Invisible Man, moved out over Christmas.
Unless we get someone new by the end of the week, our rent goes up a hundred quid.
I saw her in the Union looking at room ads.
She looked like a human.
No way.
We'll just all pay extra.
We don't need a newbie.
Let's just turn the upstairs room into a massive bong.
I'm not paying extra.
Bong.
We should advertise.
Bong! We should interview.
Bong!! So the water pressure seems OK but you seem to have a problem with vermin.
If you can murder the vermin I will consider you.
Bong.
'Oregon'? Hi.
Thank you for applying for the internship at Rombus.
Take a seat.
So.
Tell me a little about yourself.
Er.
Well, we met, obviously, you remember me from the, erm From the fucking my husband? Yes.
No, I was thinking more why I should pick you to help me launch a literary press which is going to be so highbrow the readers are going to resemble Dan Ackroyd's famous 'Coneheads'? Right, erm, OK, erm, lots, lots of reasons, um It's all over, by the way.
I know.
Tony tried to climb in through the conservatory over Christmas.
Oh, Jesus.
Yeah, he called me, he was in a bit of a bad way.
He put his foot through a pane.
I bandaged him up and let him come for lunch.
Oh.
Good.
I'm with Lyle now so it was very, very difficult for Tony.
We played an extremely aggressive game of Boggle and called it a night.
So? Yes.
I just wanted to say, I'll be the best intern you've ever, ever, ever had.
Cut me, Professor Shales, and I bleed the dream of a powerhouse of contemporary verse that links not only with the ivory tower, but the working man with his Xbox or the shopwoman in her soiled night clothes.
Well, I'll put you on the shortlist with all the candidates who haven't humped the hubby and we'll take it from there, good? So the plan is, we smoke the bong until we have two bongs.
The bong - or Bong One and then a second bong, the room - or Bong Two.
So you take a hit from the bong And then, you think, "Relief.
" But no.
Bang, room bong.
And that's when - poo-tang, you get hit by the original bong, Bong One, the actual bong, again.
Bong! Hah! I have no desire to give my body a massive chemical insult this evening, thank-you.
If you're not going to smoke the bong, then why are you in here? Because it's warmer in here.
Due to all the body heat you lot are so wantonly giving away.
If we get high enough we generally have an orgy.
We generally don't.
We might.
It's impossible to predict what might happen in the bong room.
Cock-Cat can make people incredibly horny.
Interesting work.
Have you ever attempted a fifth penis emanating from the tail? What a brilliant idea.
Yes! A tail cock.
Erm, yes, so, I don't want to stick my oar in, and you know, you're a woman in your own right, it's just It's OK.
You can speak freely within the clique.
The Posho.
JP.
Sort of, been there, done that.
Oh.
So.
Hands off? God, no.
No, no.
It's just - it's not that he's a shithead.
It's more that he's a - dickhead.
Yeah.
My house.
A bit of a mess.
We're back! We're just doing the advert.
Ok, good! Er, let's draw up a list of criteria! Cool and hot.
Not too hot.
Life's hard enough.
Just put - "If you like to fuck, then come and suck on our heroin stick.
" No.
It's not a bad start.
All we want is someone clean and fun.
So put "Vodka by night, anti-bacterial mouthwash by morning" as the headline? Look, forget about your shitty ad.
Hey! Call off the hunt.
Stop all the clocks.
If you want a roomie, I've got you a roomie.
Giles.
Giles will move in.
Who's Giles? He's a Stoic.
Like me, he subscribes to the teachings of the philosopher Zeno? No, Howard! He went to Stowe with me.
Look, Giles will just crash here, whilst he finds himself a place.
Hmm, 'Giles' from 'Stowe'? No.
I don't think so, JP.
Sorry, that doesn't sound cool.
You haven't even met him, he's an amazing laugh.
He once pulled a moonie on Leaver's Eve while smoking three Marly Lights.
We've already got one JP, we don't need another one.
Erm, we don't want a posh top floor.
Listen, 'Melissa', just because Giles is a little bit posh, doesn't necessarily mean he's not a bloody good bloke.
What sort of posh? Is he more Cunty Sykes or Racist Ralph, would you say? Ralph is not racist! You know, if anything, you're the racists.
The worst kind of racists.
Money racists.
Sorry? Yeah, being rich is a race too.
No, it's not.
I dunno, they do all look kind of the same? Are you seriously saying that something that I want isn't going to happen because of you? Are you grabbing lunch after? Yeah.
Er, although actually that reminds me.
Can I borrow some notes? Yeah, yeah - 20 quid? Er, actually I was thinking more like 180? Ermyeah? Yeah? It's just I've spunked my RAF money, I'm about to hit my overdraft like an angry bastard.
But I've got a cheque coming on Tuesday.
OK, yeah, great.
180.
I'll go to a cashpoint.
Back to the scene of the crime.
Good holidays, I trust? I have to say, I missed you all tremendously when I attempted to remember your names.
So, apologies for the last-minute email, but what did everyone think of your holiday reading, Autumn Feelings? I didn't read it.
Well maybe you should have read it, because it's your coursework.
It's basically a self-help book.
It's a rather incredible selection of reflections on love across the generations.
I thought we were meant to be studying The Grapes of Wrath? I see.
Are you all afraid of having your minds opened up? Ah, you prefer your little boxes? Black goes with black, white with white, girl with boy, 48-year-old with 48-year-old? There's a world beyond the curriculum, you know.
A world beyond the conventional world you're all so desperate to inhabit where everything is wild and free.
The world .
.
of Autumn Feelings.
So, you did Posho and Soul Patch? Yeah, it was a weird term.
I was drinking a lot of Red Bull.
But you definitely don't like either of them? What? No! God.
I mean, Patch Adams is like, "Oh, let's listen to Ed Sheeran "and talk about our feelings cos I'm so much like a virgin "I actually am one," but really he's just an arsehole.
Same again? So what did everyone think about Liam? Who's Liam? For the room.
The man who I think is my friend from the abattoir.
You "think" he's your friend? Well, we sit together at lunch but we don't talk.
He's the quiet type.
Was he the one who walked the house in a kind of intense silence? Very wiry? Exactly.
He's ideal.
He's wiry and quiet and efficient.
Hmm.
"New housemate requested.
Wiry stealthy psychopath preferred.
" Giles? Sabine? What, that mental Dutch woman in her 40s? How come you love Sabine all of a sudden? Vod told her that we pay all the rent to her - in cash.
She's gonna be my beer bitch.
Great(!) Oh, my God, this is amazing! Jean wants me to pick up De Valencis the poet - from the airport! Oh.
It's at 6.
30am.
You're Jean's poetry bitch.
What about Heather? She's dying to move out of halls and is a really great laugh.
Today, in class, we had this demonstration model and she switched the molars and premolars! How come Josie's allowed to have a friend move in but I'm not? And look, the thing about Giles is that he's not even that posh, so Jay Penis! Toga! Toga! Toga! Great work with the glass fillage.
All pillage, no spillage.
Sorry, I don't speak posh.
Well, welcome to your first Bante-natal class.
I'm your tutor - Bantonio Banteras.
(LAUGHS) Can you not wear your coat at breakfast, Howard? Why? It's covered in stuff.
It's covered in reality.
Is everything all right down the abattoir? Oh yeah.
Another good night shift.
On my own in the red room for most of it.
It's just, you look like you've seen the slaughter at Helm's Deep.
I'm sorry? Sauron, Lord of the Rings? Never read it, never seen it.
Fuck off.
Why do people always assume I have an intimate knowledge of made-up beasties?! Morning! Oh Morning! You stayed over then? Yeah! In JP's room? I didn't hear anything.
JP? Oh, no way.
Er, Heather, do you want aa coffee? Or a portion of mashed tissue sweepings all fried up(?) Well, I ought to go back to my place and change so Okthen.
Erthank you.
Thankthank you.
And farewell! See you in Clinical Skills, mate.
See you thenmate.
(GROANS) Mega Toga! (LAUGHS) Toga Maximus.
Toga Togisimus.
Vino Veritas.
Nota Bene.
BOTH LAUGH Oh, dude.
I think I might take a shower.
Oh, word of warning on the water pressure, boy - that thing's flow is as weak as a sucker MC with adenoids.
You need a power shower, man.
(LAUGHS) What? Power showers.
Like in Walpole? Oh, fuck.
I'd forgotten.
Probably for the best! I mean it was all dorm rules.
"No speaky, no squeaky.
" "He shoots, he scores!" BOTH CHUCKLE Ah.
Bloody hell.
Strange days.
Well it was fun, though, wasn't it? Yeah, funif you're a bender! Yeah.
Yeah Oh, come on.
I know it was only power showers and it was all dorm rules, but if you think about it, it was a bit fucking gay! Yeah.
Don't You know, there's no need to be Oh, don't be a homo! Well, JP, er the thing is, mate, erm I am a homo.
Ahhh - gaylord! Seriously, man.
Don't bend me, queeroid! I am! I'm, I'm gay.
Stop saying it, you'll turn gay! Well, I am gay.
Yeah.
WellI'm gay too! Yeah! I'm glad to be gay.
What a gay day! Yeah, I'm actually gay, though.
Dude, this one is getting kind of old now.
Yeah, I'm gay, JP.
I like men.
What?! You don't actually mean you are gay? Yes.
I'm gay.
Fuck.
Seriously? Yeah.
I'm gay.
I've always been gay.
The power showers The power showers weren't gay.
What, wanking each other off? Don't say it! Dude, no need to say it! It's OK, JP.
For you it was just a stage, for me it was the whole deal.
(SIGHS) Ugh.
"Farewell.
" Jesus.
I liked the hand shake.
The reassuring handshake of completed sexual union.
Weird one.
I was just so drunk.
Oh, you don't have to It's fine.
Why wouldn't it be fine? It wouldn't.
That's why I said it's fine.
OK.
Great.
Yeah, it was no a biggie, anyway.
It was just aa thing.
Yeah.
She's had her man meat, she's moving on.
Man meat? "Where do I get my platter of man meat tonight?" she's always saying.
Right.
Yeah? MOBILE VIBRATES Heather.
What? Nothing.
Go on.
I can take it.
Er, just sort of "Good quarter pounder of man meat last night, "want to help me look for a half pound tonight?'" That girl! Erm, has anybody got a massive bottle of Tipp-Ex? I'm painting over Cock-Cat.
I don't know why I drew it.
I mean, no-one wants to see that, do they? Five penises.
Why did I even draw that? I don't know.
Exactly.
Yeah, so I was just wondering if it was a problem if I got back that "cashola"? Not being a hard-ass or anything but I I actually wanted to talk to you about that.
You know, it's a weird one, the cheque did come but not as a cheque - as a postal order cos Dave hasn't got an account but it's better you know cos, you know, it's there? Oh - good? But now, Mike, who owed it, I fucked his moped for him in June.
I mean, he thought it was but it wasn't.
Insured? Exactly.
So now I have to pony up half, and his other half is on a power key of our mate's so, when that's sweet - get the nectar points and it's bare cash all round.
Is that cool? Er, yeah.
I guess, yeah.
Totally, that's Cool! Oregon? Jean? Hi.
So sorry I was late.
De Valencis was quite insistent that we drive past Paul Scholes's house and honk the horn He's delighted.
I'm delighted.
Oregon, I'd like you to help me launch Rhombus Literary Press.
Yes! Oh, you will not regret this, Jean.
Oregon? What are you? Can I grab a word? She's all yours.
Yes.
It's just about your attendance.
You missed this morning's lecture.
Yeah.
Sorry.
I couldn't make it.
Right.
So you openly admit to having missed a scheduled lecture? Oh, Tony, I picked up De Valencis from the airport for Jean.
I can't just turn a blind eye to non-attendance, you know.
This is a serious matter.
Och! I missed one lecture! You missed two in November.
I was in Buxton with you in November! I'm minded to refer you to the disciplinary council.
This could all go very badly for you.
Unless we can come to a satisfactory conclusion.
Are you trying to blackmail me into having sex with you? What a terrible thing to say! You raised your eyebrows! Even if I did - which I didn't - eyebrows don't mean sex.
Tony, we're over.
We can't be over if we're not.
If a thing continues, it is.
Therefore.
I am and - we are.
Yeah, I want you to delete my number from your phone.
Fine, I can delete your number.
Because it's branded into my heart anyway.
So.
Jean.
You've traded up.
Switched horses.
It's nothing personal, I just want to make something of my time here and I'm passionate about poetry.
I know you are! Fuck.
I used to read you ee Cummings while you rested your head on my naked chest and we'd both weep and those were the best days of my life.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Ooh, I'd better go cos I want to get a baked potato and if you go late then you get the really hard ones.
So has he said anything you know, about me and the other night? What, Kingsley? Ermno, not really.
Oh.
OK.
Do you like him? I don't know.
He's I don't know about him.
What do you think? You do know his nickname's "the Pussyman", don't you? Really? Yeah.
There's two sides to him.
He's Russell Brand on the inside and Russell Grant on the outside.
Comes over all sensitive and happy to talk about horoscopes, but really he just wants to fuck you, chuck you and gloat about it to your granddad.
I mean, did he say anything about me after or? I don't know, I can't remember.
Go on.
Erm maybe something like "Guess I'll start "looking for a new hairy parking space for the old cockmobile.
" Something like that.
Maybe not exactly that You know what, that was my one thing, is he a bit wet? What? I like a challenge.
I know it's stupid, but I do like a bit of a bastard.
Really? I know, I know it's a bit of a cliche but I do, that's just what I like.
JP.
Thanks.
Howard.
Thanks, Giles.
Nae bother.
So, not to be uncool, we need to call a house meeting about the room.
Phew.
Well, I guess Heather's the frontrunner.
Yeah? But you know what, Giles is actually a pretty decent bloke.
He is surprisingly all right.
He's incredibly all right.
I better split.
The 'rents are coming up to help me look for a place.
So erm, see you later.
Hey, Giles, erm Got something for you.
Offcuts from the abattoir.
It's the meat they don't sell.
Erm, it's loose.
It's jazz meat.
It's not all tubed up like the other meat, it's just relaxing, doing its own thing, it doesn't need anyone telling it what shape to be.
Oh, OK, that's, that's cool.
The good thing is, it's so processed you hardly need to chew.
It's melt in the mouth.
And there's a lot more where that came from.
OK, thanks.
Jamester.
Laters, guys.
Great, Howard.
We almost had a wicked new housemate.
And free meat will seal the deal.
I mean, it's cool, because, you know, I guess er, Heather was sort of first in line anyway so? That is true.
Also Heather just seems, very chilled, you know? Yeah, Heather on tap for Knutsford.
Yeah, right(!) I don't care either way.
I just think she's got a nice vibe.
You've gone from no strings, one night stand to moving in.
Oh, bullshit.
I have one night stands, that's how I roll.
I'm a guy with a cock, she's a girl with a slot, we just happened to lock together one night.
Ah, the romance.
Giles, Heather - at the end of the day, they're both just people.
Let Heather move in.
I'm sure everything will sort itself out.
I dunno though, it's actually really tricky because I really like Giles.
And to be honest, I've had second thoughts about Heather.
I'm just not sure that I want to live with such a great mate.
I mean, wouldn't it be unfair on everyone else? Same goes for Giles, actually.
What? Well, come on, do you want us doing, "Do you remember when Sykes forgot his fencing mask and turned up wearing a sieve?" Wow! A sieve? That is mad! Personally, I would love to hear more stories like that.
Plus It's, it's awkward but there is something else I need to tell you about Giles.
Erm, hesteals.
Yeah, he steals.
He loves to thieve.
It must be like a psychological thing.
The opposite of a retard.
Don't say that.
I'm not saying retard, am I? I'm saying he's the opposite of retard, Kingsley.
There's always Sabine? No.
Well.
You've missed out on Liam.
Oh no.
Yup.
He's found somewhere extremely close to the abattoir.
Is this new? Er.
Yeah.
Why? I just thought - the nectar points and the moped Yeah, it was in the sale, all right, Mum? Vod I actually need to spot a tenner to stand my round.
Great, so erm, now I'm your beer bitch.
Aw, come on, just put it on the tab? We don't have a tab! Yeah, we do.
I'm keeping a tab.
Her noonie looked like a punched quiche! Oh, King Snake, heads up.
It's wifey.
Ooh, she's coming over.
I say, strike while the iron's hot and ask her to marry you.
Oh, fuck off! If you like it, then it's probably advisable to put a ring on it.
Hi, Heth! Hi, Jose! Hello.
Uh, heh Do you want to join us? Oh, er, I'd love to, it's just I'm with Yann, so You know.
Great to see you all.
Oh, man, that was cold.
Turns out Mr Soft Spreading Cheese actually has the cold hard eyes of a killer.
Oh, anyone for another - I'm buying.
Mine's a Jaeger.
That's my money she's using to buy those.
I'm the one buying you that drink, and everyone else's.
What do you mean? I leant Vod 40 quid last week.
But it turns out to reclaim it I've got to travel to a house in Uttoxeter and hit an electricity meter with a hammer.
God, that was awkward.
Yeah, it was a bit.
Still, bollocks to him.
There's plenty more cock in the sea! And now that the team's back together we can go cock-fishing all night and all day! Yeah That's Dentertainment! K-Man? I've got a bit of a thought in the old head and that, mate.
Right? Er It's, it's about Giles.
Yeah, you seem really down on him.
Did something happen? Yeah, er, sort of.
Erm, see, thing is, it turns out, that he's, er Well, he's gay.
Right.
But I didn't know.
So So you've turned against him? That's charming.
No, you don't understand I think I do.
You've gone from liking to hating someone because of their sexual choices.
Mate, I just want him to be normal.
Oh, "normal?" Lay off, I'm not the one on trial here.
It's just sex, JP.
It's just one man having sex with another man, because they both feel like it, and what's wrong with that? I'm not homophobic! I had sex with Giles, that's how not homophobic I am! You've had sex with Giles? Yeah Well, not proper sex.
Just a .
.
power shower.
A power shower? You know .
.
extreme washing.
Oh, right.
But I mean we were both like fourteen, so it doesn't really count.
But now he's saying that like, he's properly gay - like he'd go to a gay club not in disguise, or he'd, you know, grow a moustache and have a baby.
And all that makes me think is, does that mean that I'm gay? I mean I had gay sex with a gay guy, does that make me gay? Gay sex with a gay guy? Hmm.
Oh, God.
You think I'm gay, don't you? I didn't say that.
And if you were, it wouldn't bother me.
Oh, shit.
You're tolerating me.
You're tolerating my gayness.
This is a nightmare.
JP, relax.
It's cool.
I mean, I don't feel gay.
But then how do you know? I don't want to bum you, but then maybe I do? Cock-Cat? Oh, shit, maybe I'm in denial? But why does it make me feel so scared and angry? Maybe you're bi-furious? OK, how about me and you and Josie all turn the lights out and I'm blindfolded and I touch you both up to see which of you gets the old juices flowing? Right.
You fuck me, then Josie, then me again, just to double check.
Sort of like we were fuck monkeys in your sex lab? It's just an idea.
All right kebabylonians.
Guess what - I bumped into Paula and hit her up for a fiver.
So - chips all round.
What's going on? What's happened? Did someone die? Erm, well, erm, we, er, wanted to have a talk with you.
About money.
Yeah? Yeah, erm, when we chatted, it turns out, erm, we've all been lending you money.
Except me.
Erm, we've added it all up, and it comes to £354.
In total.
I've drawn up a six-month repayment plan.
It's a basis for discussion.
This is bullshit.
Mates lend each other money.
Vod, this isn't personal.
These are times of financial uncertainty.
You're one of the big six economies in this house.
If you collapse - you'll take us all down.
I can't believe I'm living with a bunch of bean counters.
Yeah, we've counted and you've got all our beans.
Borrowed.
I've borrowed your fucking beans.
Jesus.
You lot, you want to have a long, hard look at yourselves.
There was one place with a room free, but it was not great and it was like - there was right of way, through the room, for a Portuguese family.
But apparently they either don't go out much or don't come in much, but either way Are you OK, JP? Yeah.
Fine.
Totally fine.
I might jump in the shower - if you want, you could, er I'm fine! .
.
go first, if you want? Oh no, you, you go ahead.
JP, I'm not going to try and bum you, you know.
I'm not a bloody homophobe, all right! I've only been involved at amateur level, not professional like you, but it's all fine, it's totally fine.
Gay men don't necessarily want to have sex with every guy they see.
(HE GUFFAWS) Yeah, sure.
No, really.
Come on Giles, you have to say that, but really? Well, it's like you with women.
Do you want to bang them all? Yeah.
Pretty much.
Well, all the hotties.
Yeah, I suppose I want to bang all the hotties, too.
So I'm right, you do want to bum me! Well.
Say like in your house - Oregon.
Do you want to bang her? Hmm Interesting.
Fascinating question.
This is like philosophy or something, cos I've thought about it a lot and it's like, yeah, I mean, I definitely would.
But it's like, we sort of live together and I kind of like her, so, maybe no, or, or not no? It's complicated.
Because she's like, a friend, so it'd be really weird.
Yeah, well that's kind of like how I'd say it was for me with a mate.
OK.
Wow.
Well, this is great.
I'm over here in the bed, straight, you're over there with no trousers on, gay, and that's fine.
Good night, John-boy.
You don't want to bum me and I don't want to bum you, that's fine.
So nobody has to bum anybody.
That's my credo! The freedom to bum or not to bum.
I'll put that on my flag one day, when I get round to making it.
All right, wakey, wakey, listen up! I've had a big think, er, and I reckon you lot might not be total arseholes about the money after all.
Now I'm not saying I'm wrong, and if you want me to, you can take a flying fucking jump cos I was always going to pay you back.
But, I'm gonna pay my debt to society with stuff.
Start sifting.
I really don't think that's necessary.
Great with me.
There's no knickers.
Why do people always assume I have a prurient interest in underwear?? Take those trainers, I know you like them.
No, I don't want your trainers.
Pick up the trainers, Oregon.
OK.
OK, listen everyone.
I've got an announcement to make.
This is Giles.
My gay friend.
He doesn't want to bum me and I don't want to bum him, and I don't care who knows it.
And he's moving in.
That's lovely, JP.
There's just one catch We called Sabine last night and offered her the room.
Call her back, tell her she can't have it.
This house is going bi-curious.
DOORBUZZER RINGS Uh-oh! BUZZER RINGS AGAIN She's really ringing.
Just wait it out.
It doesn't feel right.
I think you just have to push through the embarrassment barrier.
Yup.
This is a cool house.
We do not need some freak spoiling our vibe.
BUZZZER RINGS AGAIN There is one thing though Shush, Vod! She's going to go .
.
I kind of gave her a key.
Hello? I thought they were going to get it.
Yeah, we all thought somebody else was going to get it.
Could somebody lend a hand.
Not literally.
To help me move my stuff up to my room? Er, listen, Sabine.
The thing is, and this is hard to explain, there's been a bit of a mix-up, and we'd love for you to move in, but it's not going to be possible, because But it was agreed.
I have the key.
What do you think? No.
No I won't stand for this.
It's political correctness gone mad.
I'm sorry, Sabine, but we have a gay man moving in, so although it may seem xenophobic, it's not, because we have someone even ` well, not weirder, but more different, so, hard cheese.
But I've signed the rental agreement.
Oh dear, oh dear.
Your English isn't very good, is it? We want Giles to move in.
But I want to live here.
Yes, but, and I'm sorry to say this, the truth is that none of us want you to live here? It's not that we don't like you - obviously we don't really know you - we just think we won't like you.
Why won't you like me? I'm a nice person.
Anyway, this house is much larger than the other houses, it's conveniently located, the transport links are excellent, and I have already told my bank about my change of address.
What shall we do, shall we take her down? Yes, let's take her down.
We're not going to "take her down".
Thus far and then none shall pass.
Lord Of The Rings? Holy Grail.
None shall pass.
She passed.
Red Bee Media Ltd
Exeter was shit to be honest.
There was loads of "Rah, rah, rah" type geezers you know? Oh man, tell me about it, I hate those geezers! It is literally impossible to spend more than a 20 in here.
Now, listen, young Padawan, there are things that I must teach you if you are to succeed here in the land of the £2 pint.
The cheat codes for North of Hendon? You see, the Northerner is trusting and loyal, like a gun dog.
But when riled become mistrustful and easily confused, like a sort of angry hen.
Now, you must also learn their tongue.
'Owt' is any, 'nowt' is none, 'ta' is thanks, 'mint' is good, 'tea' is supper, 'dinner' is lunch, a 'barm cake' is a sort of bap, a 'bap' is a tit and a 'tit'is a tit.
Now the Northerner is a friendly sort by nature, but will become irascible if they feel taunted.
So until you have ascertained their level, it's very important to pretend to be one of their own.
Alright, our kid, will you take us down Withington for a quid? JP, is he a cabby? They're all cabbies in the north, Giles, for a price! Kingston on Thames! What up K-dubs, you came back! For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, JP.
Yeah, pussyman, I think some muff's got stuck on your chin.
What, this old thing? I've always had this, haven't I? No.
BUZZER I get it.
You're peacocking.
Billy Goat Muff.
New term, new image.
I'm just letting it do its thing.
A thing is as a thing does.
BUZZER That's that.
This is one of those.
That carries on up there.
Don't know what that does.
In there's what you'd think.
That's fucked.
This makes a weird noise but if you smack it - it stops for a bit.
This doesn't close.
That doesn't open.
It always smells like that up here.
And this would be yours.
Free meat? Perks of the job.
Abattoir.
How surprising.
Yeah, what actually is it? It's spare meat.
From the loose meat bin.
It's OK.
It's from animals and that! But which? Oh, hark at the gourmand.
I dunno.
Little bit of this, little bit of that.
Grab a handful.
Fry it up.
Meatabix.
Hello, losers! Everyone, Heather.
Heather - everyone.
We met on practical week, she's a mental dental, my new bezzie AND we're forming a clique.
A clique? Yeah, we'll be forming an in-group and ridiculing outsiders.
Hey, Josie.
Oh? You're back? Yeah, just Newtonian.
You know.
Right.
Is there something wrong with your face? I'm just letting it do its thing.
A thing is as a thing does.
Look, I just wanted to say, New term, clean slate? I've got a new mate, you've got a newthat, and It's cool, honey.
'Honey'? We don't need a new slate.
There's nothing wrong with the old slate.
Everything just is what it is so why stress anything? Are you all right, Kingsley? Have you, have you had a fall? I've always yo'd.
No, you haven't.
I'm off to see Professor Shales, how do I look? Hot.
What? It's a scientific fact.
Right.
This is, er, Sabine, she's here about the room.
Sabine - everyone.
Hello.
Yes.
Now I would like to check your water pressure and smoke alarms.
Go crazy.
'The room'? Yeah.
Paul Lamb, the Invisible Man, moved out over Christmas.
Unless we get someone new by the end of the week, our rent goes up a hundred quid.
I saw her in the Union looking at room ads.
She looked like a human.
No way.
We'll just all pay extra.
We don't need a newbie.
Let's just turn the upstairs room into a massive bong.
I'm not paying extra.
Bong.
We should advertise.
Bong! We should interview.
Bong!! So the water pressure seems OK but you seem to have a problem with vermin.
If you can murder the vermin I will consider you.
Bong.
'Oregon'? Hi.
Thank you for applying for the internship at Rombus.
Take a seat.
So.
Tell me a little about yourself.
Er.
Well, we met, obviously, you remember me from the, erm From the fucking my husband? Yes.
No, I was thinking more why I should pick you to help me launch a literary press which is going to be so highbrow the readers are going to resemble Dan Ackroyd's famous 'Coneheads'? Right, erm, OK, erm, lots, lots of reasons, um It's all over, by the way.
I know.
Tony tried to climb in through the conservatory over Christmas.
Oh, Jesus.
Yeah, he called me, he was in a bit of a bad way.
He put his foot through a pane.
I bandaged him up and let him come for lunch.
Oh.
Good.
I'm with Lyle now so it was very, very difficult for Tony.
We played an extremely aggressive game of Boggle and called it a night.
So? Yes.
I just wanted to say, I'll be the best intern you've ever, ever, ever had.
Cut me, Professor Shales, and I bleed the dream of a powerhouse of contemporary verse that links not only with the ivory tower, but the working man with his Xbox or the shopwoman in her soiled night clothes.
Well, I'll put you on the shortlist with all the candidates who haven't humped the hubby and we'll take it from there, good? So the plan is, we smoke the bong until we have two bongs.
The bong - or Bong One and then a second bong, the room - or Bong Two.
So you take a hit from the bong And then, you think, "Relief.
" But no.
Bang, room bong.
And that's when - poo-tang, you get hit by the original bong, Bong One, the actual bong, again.
Bong! Hah! I have no desire to give my body a massive chemical insult this evening, thank-you.
If you're not going to smoke the bong, then why are you in here? Because it's warmer in here.
Due to all the body heat you lot are so wantonly giving away.
If we get high enough we generally have an orgy.
We generally don't.
We might.
It's impossible to predict what might happen in the bong room.
Cock-Cat can make people incredibly horny.
Interesting work.
Have you ever attempted a fifth penis emanating from the tail? What a brilliant idea.
Yes! A tail cock.
Erm, yes, so, I don't want to stick my oar in, and you know, you're a woman in your own right, it's just It's OK.
You can speak freely within the clique.
The Posho.
JP.
Sort of, been there, done that.
Oh.
So.
Hands off? God, no.
No, no.
It's just - it's not that he's a shithead.
It's more that he's a - dickhead.
Yeah.
My house.
A bit of a mess.
We're back! We're just doing the advert.
Ok, good! Er, let's draw up a list of criteria! Cool and hot.
Not too hot.
Life's hard enough.
Just put - "If you like to fuck, then come and suck on our heroin stick.
" No.
It's not a bad start.
All we want is someone clean and fun.
So put "Vodka by night, anti-bacterial mouthwash by morning" as the headline? Look, forget about your shitty ad.
Hey! Call off the hunt.
Stop all the clocks.
If you want a roomie, I've got you a roomie.
Giles.
Giles will move in.
Who's Giles? He's a Stoic.
Like me, he subscribes to the teachings of the philosopher Zeno? No, Howard! He went to Stowe with me.
Look, Giles will just crash here, whilst he finds himself a place.
Hmm, 'Giles' from 'Stowe'? No.
I don't think so, JP.
Sorry, that doesn't sound cool.
You haven't even met him, he's an amazing laugh.
He once pulled a moonie on Leaver's Eve while smoking three Marly Lights.
We've already got one JP, we don't need another one.
Erm, we don't want a posh top floor.
Listen, 'Melissa', just because Giles is a little bit posh, doesn't necessarily mean he's not a bloody good bloke.
What sort of posh? Is he more Cunty Sykes or Racist Ralph, would you say? Ralph is not racist! You know, if anything, you're the racists.
The worst kind of racists.
Money racists.
Sorry? Yeah, being rich is a race too.
No, it's not.
I dunno, they do all look kind of the same? Are you seriously saying that something that I want isn't going to happen because of you? Are you grabbing lunch after? Yeah.
Er, although actually that reminds me.
Can I borrow some notes? Yeah, yeah - 20 quid? Er, actually I was thinking more like 180? Ermyeah? Yeah? It's just I've spunked my RAF money, I'm about to hit my overdraft like an angry bastard.
But I've got a cheque coming on Tuesday.
OK, yeah, great.
180.
I'll go to a cashpoint.
Back to the scene of the crime.
Good holidays, I trust? I have to say, I missed you all tremendously when I attempted to remember your names.
So, apologies for the last-minute email, but what did everyone think of your holiday reading, Autumn Feelings? I didn't read it.
Well maybe you should have read it, because it's your coursework.
It's basically a self-help book.
It's a rather incredible selection of reflections on love across the generations.
I thought we were meant to be studying The Grapes of Wrath? I see.
Are you all afraid of having your minds opened up? Ah, you prefer your little boxes? Black goes with black, white with white, girl with boy, 48-year-old with 48-year-old? There's a world beyond the curriculum, you know.
A world beyond the conventional world you're all so desperate to inhabit where everything is wild and free.
The world .
.
of Autumn Feelings.
So, you did Posho and Soul Patch? Yeah, it was a weird term.
I was drinking a lot of Red Bull.
But you definitely don't like either of them? What? No! God.
I mean, Patch Adams is like, "Oh, let's listen to Ed Sheeran "and talk about our feelings cos I'm so much like a virgin "I actually am one," but really he's just an arsehole.
Same again? So what did everyone think about Liam? Who's Liam? For the room.
The man who I think is my friend from the abattoir.
You "think" he's your friend? Well, we sit together at lunch but we don't talk.
He's the quiet type.
Was he the one who walked the house in a kind of intense silence? Very wiry? Exactly.
He's ideal.
He's wiry and quiet and efficient.
Hmm.
"New housemate requested.
Wiry stealthy psychopath preferred.
" Giles? Sabine? What, that mental Dutch woman in her 40s? How come you love Sabine all of a sudden? Vod told her that we pay all the rent to her - in cash.
She's gonna be my beer bitch.
Great(!) Oh, my God, this is amazing! Jean wants me to pick up De Valencis the poet - from the airport! Oh.
It's at 6.
30am.
You're Jean's poetry bitch.
What about Heather? She's dying to move out of halls and is a really great laugh.
Today, in class, we had this demonstration model and she switched the molars and premolars! How come Josie's allowed to have a friend move in but I'm not? And look, the thing about Giles is that he's not even that posh, so Jay Penis! Toga! Toga! Toga! Great work with the glass fillage.
All pillage, no spillage.
Sorry, I don't speak posh.
Well, welcome to your first Bante-natal class.
I'm your tutor - Bantonio Banteras.
(LAUGHS) Can you not wear your coat at breakfast, Howard? Why? It's covered in stuff.
It's covered in reality.
Is everything all right down the abattoir? Oh yeah.
Another good night shift.
On my own in the red room for most of it.
It's just, you look like you've seen the slaughter at Helm's Deep.
I'm sorry? Sauron, Lord of the Rings? Never read it, never seen it.
Fuck off.
Why do people always assume I have an intimate knowledge of made-up beasties?! Morning! Oh Morning! You stayed over then? Yeah! In JP's room? I didn't hear anything.
JP? Oh, no way.
Er, Heather, do you want aa coffee? Or a portion of mashed tissue sweepings all fried up(?) Well, I ought to go back to my place and change so Okthen.
Erthank you.
Thankthank you.
And farewell! See you in Clinical Skills, mate.
See you thenmate.
(GROANS) Mega Toga! (LAUGHS) Toga Maximus.
Toga Togisimus.
Vino Veritas.
Nota Bene.
BOTH LAUGH Oh, dude.
I think I might take a shower.
Oh, word of warning on the water pressure, boy - that thing's flow is as weak as a sucker MC with adenoids.
You need a power shower, man.
(LAUGHS) What? Power showers.
Like in Walpole? Oh, fuck.
I'd forgotten.
Probably for the best! I mean it was all dorm rules.
"No speaky, no squeaky.
" "He shoots, he scores!" BOTH CHUCKLE Ah.
Bloody hell.
Strange days.
Well it was fun, though, wasn't it? Yeah, funif you're a bender! Yeah.
Yeah Oh, come on.
I know it was only power showers and it was all dorm rules, but if you think about it, it was a bit fucking gay! Yeah.
Don't You know, there's no need to be Oh, don't be a homo! Well, JP, er the thing is, mate, erm I am a homo.
Ahhh - gaylord! Seriously, man.
Don't bend me, queeroid! I am! I'm, I'm gay.
Stop saying it, you'll turn gay! Well, I am gay.
Yeah.
WellI'm gay too! Yeah! I'm glad to be gay.
What a gay day! Yeah, I'm actually gay, though.
Dude, this one is getting kind of old now.
Yeah, I'm gay, JP.
I like men.
What?! You don't actually mean you are gay? Yes.
I'm gay.
Fuck.
Seriously? Yeah.
I'm gay.
I've always been gay.
The power showers The power showers weren't gay.
What, wanking each other off? Don't say it! Dude, no need to say it! It's OK, JP.
For you it was just a stage, for me it was the whole deal.
(SIGHS) Ugh.
"Farewell.
" Jesus.
I liked the hand shake.
The reassuring handshake of completed sexual union.
Weird one.
I was just so drunk.
Oh, you don't have to It's fine.
Why wouldn't it be fine? It wouldn't.
That's why I said it's fine.
OK.
Great.
Yeah, it was no a biggie, anyway.
It was just aa thing.
Yeah.
She's had her man meat, she's moving on.
Man meat? "Where do I get my platter of man meat tonight?" she's always saying.
Right.
Yeah? MOBILE VIBRATES Heather.
What? Nothing.
Go on.
I can take it.
Er, just sort of "Good quarter pounder of man meat last night, "want to help me look for a half pound tonight?'" That girl! Erm, has anybody got a massive bottle of Tipp-Ex? I'm painting over Cock-Cat.
I don't know why I drew it.
I mean, no-one wants to see that, do they? Five penises.
Why did I even draw that? I don't know.
Exactly.
Yeah, so I was just wondering if it was a problem if I got back that "cashola"? Not being a hard-ass or anything but I I actually wanted to talk to you about that.
You know, it's a weird one, the cheque did come but not as a cheque - as a postal order cos Dave hasn't got an account but it's better you know cos, you know, it's there? Oh - good? But now, Mike, who owed it, I fucked his moped for him in June.
I mean, he thought it was but it wasn't.
Insured? Exactly.
So now I have to pony up half, and his other half is on a power key of our mate's so, when that's sweet - get the nectar points and it's bare cash all round.
Is that cool? Er, yeah.
I guess, yeah.
Totally, that's Cool! Oregon? Jean? Hi.
So sorry I was late.
De Valencis was quite insistent that we drive past Paul Scholes's house and honk the horn He's delighted.
I'm delighted.
Oregon, I'd like you to help me launch Rhombus Literary Press.
Yes! Oh, you will not regret this, Jean.
Oregon? What are you? Can I grab a word? She's all yours.
Yes.
It's just about your attendance.
You missed this morning's lecture.
Yeah.
Sorry.
I couldn't make it.
Right.
So you openly admit to having missed a scheduled lecture? Oh, Tony, I picked up De Valencis from the airport for Jean.
I can't just turn a blind eye to non-attendance, you know.
This is a serious matter.
Och! I missed one lecture! You missed two in November.
I was in Buxton with you in November! I'm minded to refer you to the disciplinary council.
This could all go very badly for you.
Unless we can come to a satisfactory conclusion.
Are you trying to blackmail me into having sex with you? What a terrible thing to say! You raised your eyebrows! Even if I did - which I didn't - eyebrows don't mean sex.
Tony, we're over.
We can't be over if we're not.
If a thing continues, it is.
Therefore.
I am and - we are.
Yeah, I want you to delete my number from your phone.
Fine, I can delete your number.
Because it's branded into my heart anyway.
So.
Jean.
You've traded up.
Switched horses.
It's nothing personal, I just want to make something of my time here and I'm passionate about poetry.
I know you are! Fuck.
I used to read you ee Cummings while you rested your head on my naked chest and we'd both weep and those were the best days of my life.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Ooh, I'd better go cos I want to get a baked potato and if you go late then you get the really hard ones.
So has he said anything you know, about me and the other night? What, Kingsley? Ermno, not really.
Oh.
OK.
Do you like him? I don't know.
He's I don't know about him.
What do you think? You do know his nickname's "the Pussyman", don't you? Really? Yeah.
There's two sides to him.
He's Russell Brand on the inside and Russell Grant on the outside.
Comes over all sensitive and happy to talk about horoscopes, but really he just wants to fuck you, chuck you and gloat about it to your granddad.
I mean, did he say anything about me after or? I don't know, I can't remember.
Go on.
Erm maybe something like "Guess I'll start "looking for a new hairy parking space for the old cockmobile.
" Something like that.
Maybe not exactly that You know what, that was my one thing, is he a bit wet? What? I like a challenge.
I know it's stupid, but I do like a bit of a bastard.
Really? I know, I know it's a bit of a cliche but I do, that's just what I like.
JP.
Thanks.
Howard.
Thanks, Giles.
Nae bother.
So, not to be uncool, we need to call a house meeting about the room.
Phew.
Well, I guess Heather's the frontrunner.
Yeah? But you know what, Giles is actually a pretty decent bloke.
He is surprisingly all right.
He's incredibly all right.
I better split.
The 'rents are coming up to help me look for a place.
So erm, see you later.
Hey, Giles, erm Got something for you.
Offcuts from the abattoir.
It's the meat they don't sell.
Erm, it's loose.
It's jazz meat.
It's not all tubed up like the other meat, it's just relaxing, doing its own thing, it doesn't need anyone telling it what shape to be.
Oh, OK, that's, that's cool.
The good thing is, it's so processed you hardly need to chew.
It's melt in the mouth.
And there's a lot more where that came from.
OK, thanks.
Jamester.
Laters, guys.
Great, Howard.
We almost had a wicked new housemate.
And free meat will seal the deal.
I mean, it's cool, because, you know, I guess er, Heather was sort of first in line anyway so? That is true.
Also Heather just seems, very chilled, you know? Yeah, Heather on tap for Knutsford.
Yeah, right(!) I don't care either way.
I just think she's got a nice vibe.
You've gone from no strings, one night stand to moving in.
Oh, bullshit.
I have one night stands, that's how I roll.
I'm a guy with a cock, she's a girl with a slot, we just happened to lock together one night.
Ah, the romance.
Giles, Heather - at the end of the day, they're both just people.
Let Heather move in.
I'm sure everything will sort itself out.
I dunno though, it's actually really tricky because I really like Giles.
And to be honest, I've had second thoughts about Heather.
I'm just not sure that I want to live with such a great mate.
I mean, wouldn't it be unfair on everyone else? Same goes for Giles, actually.
What? Well, come on, do you want us doing, "Do you remember when Sykes forgot his fencing mask and turned up wearing a sieve?" Wow! A sieve? That is mad! Personally, I would love to hear more stories like that.
Plus It's, it's awkward but there is something else I need to tell you about Giles.
Erm, hesteals.
Yeah, he steals.
He loves to thieve.
It must be like a psychological thing.
The opposite of a retard.
Don't say that.
I'm not saying retard, am I? I'm saying he's the opposite of retard, Kingsley.
There's always Sabine? No.
Well.
You've missed out on Liam.
Oh no.
Yup.
He's found somewhere extremely close to the abattoir.
Is this new? Er.
Yeah.
Why? I just thought - the nectar points and the moped Yeah, it was in the sale, all right, Mum? Vod I actually need to spot a tenner to stand my round.
Great, so erm, now I'm your beer bitch.
Aw, come on, just put it on the tab? We don't have a tab! Yeah, we do.
I'm keeping a tab.
Her noonie looked like a punched quiche! Oh, King Snake, heads up.
It's wifey.
Ooh, she's coming over.
I say, strike while the iron's hot and ask her to marry you.
Oh, fuck off! If you like it, then it's probably advisable to put a ring on it.
Hi, Heth! Hi, Jose! Hello.
Uh, heh Do you want to join us? Oh, er, I'd love to, it's just I'm with Yann, so You know.
Great to see you all.
Oh, man, that was cold.
Turns out Mr Soft Spreading Cheese actually has the cold hard eyes of a killer.
Oh, anyone for another - I'm buying.
Mine's a Jaeger.
That's my money she's using to buy those.
I'm the one buying you that drink, and everyone else's.
What do you mean? I leant Vod 40 quid last week.
But it turns out to reclaim it I've got to travel to a house in Uttoxeter and hit an electricity meter with a hammer.
God, that was awkward.
Yeah, it was a bit.
Still, bollocks to him.
There's plenty more cock in the sea! And now that the team's back together we can go cock-fishing all night and all day! Yeah That's Dentertainment! K-Man? I've got a bit of a thought in the old head and that, mate.
Right? Er It's, it's about Giles.
Yeah, you seem really down on him.
Did something happen? Yeah, er, sort of.
Erm, see, thing is, it turns out, that he's, er Well, he's gay.
Right.
But I didn't know.
So So you've turned against him? That's charming.
No, you don't understand I think I do.
You've gone from liking to hating someone because of their sexual choices.
Mate, I just want him to be normal.
Oh, "normal?" Lay off, I'm not the one on trial here.
It's just sex, JP.
It's just one man having sex with another man, because they both feel like it, and what's wrong with that? I'm not homophobic! I had sex with Giles, that's how not homophobic I am! You've had sex with Giles? Yeah Well, not proper sex.
Just a .
.
power shower.
A power shower? You know .
.
extreme washing.
Oh, right.
But I mean we were both like fourteen, so it doesn't really count.
But now he's saying that like, he's properly gay - like he'd go to a gay club not in disguise, or he'd, you know, grow a moustache and have a baby.
And all that makes me think is, does that mean that I'm gay? I mean I had gay sex with a gay guy, does that make me gay? Gay sex with a gay guy? Hmm.
Oh, God.
You think I'm gay, don't you? I didn't say that.
And if you were, it wouldn't bother me.
Oh, shit.
You're tolerating me.
You're tolerating my gayness.
This is a nightmare.
JP, relax.
It's cool.
I mean, I don't feel gay.
But then how do you know? I don't want to bum you, but then maybe I do? Cock-Cat? Oh, shit, maybe I'm in denial? But why does it make me feel so scared and angry? Maybe you're bi-furious? OK, how about me and you and Josie all turn the lights out and I'm blindfolded and I touch you both up to see which of you gets the old juices flowing? Right.
You fuck me, then Josie, then me again, just to double check.
Sort of like we were fuck monkeys in your sex lab? It's just an idea.
All right kebabylonians.
Guess what - I bumped into Paula and hit her up for a fiver.
So - chips all round.
What's going on? What's happened? Did someone die? Erm, well, erm, we, er, wanted to have a talk with you.
About money.
Yeah? Yeah, erm, when we chatted, it turns out, erm, we've all been lending you money.
Except me.
Erm, we've added it all up, and it comes to £354.
In total.
I've drawn up a six-month repayment plan.
It's a basis for discussion.
This is bullshit.
Mates lend each other money.
Vod, this isn't personal.
These are times of financial uncertainty.
You're one of the big six economies in this house.
If you collapse - you'll take us all down.
I can't believe I'm living with a bunch of bean counters.
Yeah, we've counted and you've got all our beans.
Borrowed.
I've borrowed your fucking beans.
Jesus.
You lot, you want to have a long, hard look at yourselves.
There was one place with a room free, but it was not great and it was like - there was right of way, through the room, for a Portuguese family.
But apparently they either don't go out much or don't come in much, but either way Are you OK, JP? Yeah.
Fine.
Totally fine.
I might jump in the shower - if you want, you could, er I'm fine! .
.
go first, if you want? Oh no, you, you go ahead.
JP, I'm not going to try and bum you, you know.
I'm not a bloody homophobe, all right! I've only been involved at amateur level, not professional like you, but it's all fine, it's totally fine.
Gay men don't necessarily want to have sex with every guy they see.
(HE GUFFAWS) Yeah, sure.
No, really.
Come on Giles, you have to say that, but really? Well, it's like you with women.
Do you want to bang them all? Yeah.
Pretty much.
Well, all the hotties.
Yeah, I suppose I want to bang all the hotties, too.
So I'm right, you do want to bum me! Well.
Say like in your house - Oregon.
Do you want to bang her? Hmm Interesting.
Fascinating question.
This is like philosophy or something, cos I've thought about it a lot and it's like, yeah, I mean, I definitely would.
But it's like, we sort of live together and I kind of like her, so, maybe no, or, or not no? It's complicated.
Because she's like, a friend, so it'd be really weird.
Yeah, well that's kind of like how I'd say it was for me with a mate.
OK.
Wow.
Well, this is great.
I'm over here in the bed, straight, you're over there with no trousers on, gay, and that's fine.
Good night, John-boy.
You don't want to bum me and I don't want to bum you, that's fine.
So nobody has to bum anybody.
That's my credo! The freedom to bum or not to bum.
I'll put that on my flag one day, when I get round to making it.
All right, wakey, wakey, listen up! I've had a big think, er, and I reckon you lot might not be total arseholes about the money after all.
Now I'm not saying I'm wrong, and if you want me to, you can take a flying fucking jump cos I was always going to pay you back.
But, I'm gonna pay my debt to society with stuff.
Start sifting.
I really don't think that's necessary.
Great with me.
There's no knickers.
Why do people always assume I have a prurient interest in underwear?? Take those trainers, I know you like them.
No, I don't want your trainers.
Pick up the trainers, Oregon.
OK.
OK, listen everyone.
I've got an announcement to make.
This is Giles.
My gay friend.
He doesn't want to bum me and I don't want to bum him, and I don't care who knows it.
And he's moving in.
That's lovely, JP.
There's just one catch We called Sabine last night and offered her the room.
Call her back, tell her she can't have it.
This house is going bi-curious.
DOORBUZZER RINGS Uh-oh! BUZZER RINGS AGAIN She's really ringing.
Just wait it out.
It doesn't feel right.
I think you just have to push through the embarrassment barrier.
Yup.
This is a cool house.
We do not need some freak spoiling our vibe.
BUZZZER RINGS AGAIN There is one thing though Shush, Vod! She's going to go .
.
I kind of gave her a key.
Hello? I thought they were going to get it.
Yeah, we all thought somebody else was going to get it.
Could somebody lend a hand.
Not literally.
To help me move my stuff up to my room? Er, listen, Sabine.
The thing is, and this is hard to explain, there's been a bit of a mix-up, and we'd love for you to move in, but it's not going to be possible, because But it was agreed.
I have the key.
What do you think? No.
No I won't stand for this.
It's political correctness gone mad.
I'm sorry, Sabine, but we have a gay man moving in, so although it may seem xenophobic, it's not, because we have someone even ` well, not weirder, but more different, so, hard cheese.
But I've signed the rental agreement.
Oh dear, oh dear.
Your English isn't very good, is it? We want Giles to move in.
But I want to live here.
Yes, but, and I'm sorry to say this, the truth is that none of us want you to live here? It's not that we don't like you - obviously we don't really know you - we just think we won't like you.
Why won't you like me? I'm a nice person.
Anyway, this house is much larger than the other houses, it's conveniently located, the transport links are excellent, and I have already told my bank about my change of address.
What shall we do, shall we take her down? Yes, let's take her down.
We're not going to "take her down".
Thus far and then none shall pass.
Lord Of The Rings? Holy Grail.
None shall pass.
She passed.
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