Fresh Meat (2011) s03e05 Episode Script

1 This film is great.
Films are great.
Are you all right? Not still thinking about Sam slam-dunking you in the reject bin? No.
Who's Sam? I don’t even know a Sam.
Sorry, are you tidying? Yeah.
My, ermum's coming to stay.
You've got a mum? Well, I say mum.
She's more like my sister or my best mate.
Ooh.
Reviews are in.
Deep breaths.
Who wants to read them with me? ErmVod’s got a mum, and she's coming to stay.
My mum is young and hot, and if you fuck my hot young mum, I will chop your dick into a thousand tiny pieces.
Ooh, a thousand pieces? A thousand tiny pieces.
So, you are correctly imagining that I have quite a big dick, then? Just stay away from her.
Got it? Yes, Vod.
"It is rare to feel so bored so quickly during the opening lines of a play "although, luckily, as the story got going, I found myself waking up.
" Ha! See? Umthat's deliberate.
Like Waiting For Godot.
"But unlike in classics such as Waiting For Godot, "this was because I found the play so profoundly irritating "that for the first time ever I was forced to give a show no stars.
" Like I give a shit what you think, mate.
Ha! Next! Erooh.
"This play is almost completely without merit.
" Oh.
"It is only Violet Nordstrom's savage and raw portrayal of the mother, "an eminently watchable performance, "which stops this being the worst play the student theatre has ever staged.
" Well, that’s a good one anyway.
Are you looking at me cos I'm watchable? What's the last one? Student Echo.
Oh, what do those morons have to say? Trudi Miller's verdict, four stars.
Finally.
Yes.
OK, so, everything that pisses you off about me.
Nothing is taboo.
We get it all out and get over it, OK? So, I'll go first to demonstrate.
So, under me I'm going to put, "Josie accidentally had sex with Baz.
" And under you I’m gonna put, "Kingsley cheated on Josie with Heather.
" Failed to break up with Heather because of family tragedy.
OK, whatever.
Failed to break up with/cheated with Heather.
Just put Heather.
Heather.
OK, good, now I can never have a go at you about it ever again.
Got it? I think this is good.
Yes.
We're handing in our weapons.
Exactly, so they can't hurt us any more.
OK, next I'm gonna put, "Josie hates it when Kingsley bangs on about music "even though he knows she's not interested in it.
" Your turn.
Kingsley hates it when Josie gets aggressive.
It's unnecessary and unattractive.
Yeah.
Good one.
Come on, Howard.
I just want to write to her and say thank you.
Do you have any idea what it feels like to be rejected by the majority and then have one lone voice stand up for you? To answer your questions respectively, yes and no.
And who's been eating my Shreddies? "Shawcross rages against societal norms, "in a voice that shifts easily from satire to poetry.
"'Reject the system' is her rallying cry.
" You memorised it? No, I didn't mean to.
I just I have a photographic memory for praise.
Look, if Miller's not on Google, it means she doesn't want to be found.
Where did you get that? Oh, yeah.
I've been radicalised.
By a T-shirt? By my new tutor.
Nicole Mauve.
She's amazing.
You've got Mauve? I thought she was on sabbatical.
Mauve was on sabbatical writing her book.
I read it.
It basically changed my life.
Well, you can’t become a radical feminist by reading a book.
I've got a copy, if you want to read it.
Er Sexual Objectification And Subordination.
I don't need to read it.
I'm already being persecuted by the press for my radical politics.
Fine.
I'll give it to Howard, then.
I'm holding my bowl.
I'll pop it down there for you.
Hello.
Kingsley failed to laugh at Josie’s hilarious joke about over-the-counter decongestants.
I’m actually laughing now, just thinking about it.
Right, well, is that it? Anything else you need to tell me? Are you done already? I'm done.
Aren't you? What? I fake orgasms.
What did you say? Not always.
Just sometimes.
And I thought I should say, just in case we really do end up spending the rest of our lives together.
How much of the time? I don’t know.
Er70 per cent? 70 per cent are genuine? 70 per cent are fake? I'll put 65.
Don't put it if it's not true.
Split the difference.
66.
Right, I think I'm done.
So, now everything on this piece of paper is officially forgotten about.
Whoo! I'll get it! Ah! Oh! Oh, Milly! Milly? Oh.
Everyone, this is Chris.
Chris, everyone.
Well, I'm an English student but I’m also kind of an artist in my own right.
Yeah, but be careful what you say or you might end up in her play as an illiterate sex pest.
Ha-ha-ha! Awesome.
Ha-ha-ha! What do you study? Oh, ermgeology.
Yeah.
I just started pharmacology.
Oh, study drugs? Well, yeah, butbut nothing illegal.
Heh-heh! It’s all right, Jose.
One thing you'll learn about me.
I fucking hate all that mum shit.
Oh, right.
Great.
Ah.
Feminist, yeah? My mum was a feminist in the '70s.
And that is why in the '90s we told feminism to go fuck itself.
Now, that’s radical.
I wouldn’t mind freshening up, actually, if that's cool.
I'll take you up.
Great! Why don’t I take you all out to the pub tomorrow night, yeah? My shout.
That is so cool.
My mum would never take us to the pub.
She'd take us somewhere really boring like Sadler's Wells or fucking Glyndebourne.
Yeah, well, I know what you guys like.
You will come to the pub, won't you? Don't just say yeah and then don’t come.
Yeah, you promise? Oh, God.
What you reading? Oh, yeah, I wasn’t Er King Lear.
I might audition.
Ah! More acting, eh? Oh, you've seen the review.
I'm officially savage and watchable.
Oh, I used to love acting.
I was actually genuinely talented as well.
So, what are the young ones like? Who? Your housemates.
Oh, right.
Yeah, eryeah, it's good.
I mean, I don’t know.
I thought they’d all be geeks and poshos, which they are.
But they're my geeks and poshos.
I don't know.
JP's all right, though, isn't he? House hottie.
Don't even think about it.
What, you think I'm past it? No! No, II mean, bit of a twat, isn't he? He's not good enough for you.
Anyway, what about Jim? Oh, Jim Schmim.
He gave up trying to control me a long time ago.
Do you think this might fit me? I'm gonna have a hot, soapy shower, cos I'm really dirty.
OK.
Hope there's a lock, cos I would hate anyone to burst in when I'm completely naked.
Oh! Wellthere is.
Youyou just push the thing into the Yeah.
.
.
a beautiful-looking glow from day one and advanced protection.
Our sun protection has never Morning, Howard.
What you watching? OK, I admit it.
I observed your buttocks as you went into the kitchen.
I meant on the telly.
Oh.
Did you really? Erm I I feel I should apologise.
For watching my bum? The truth is, I have objectified you on more than one occasion.
I see.
I mean, you are a sexually mature female and, as a result, I just think it's my habitual reflex to value you purely on the societal norms of physical attractiveness.
You read the book? I was drawn into its murky world, yes.
My goodness, Howard! Do you realise what this means? You're now officially a feminist.
Are you awake? I thought maybe we could try something.
Yeah, like what? OK, let me just Bear with me.
Kingsley? OK.
OK.
Lift up your nightie.
OK, stop, look.
Your technique is not the problem.
If anything, it's the opposite.
What do you mean, the opposite? You're too eager to please.
You worry too much.
That puts a lot of pressure on me.
So, you told me I was shit so I'd worry about it less? I told you because you kept doing the things that would make me fake-come the first time, and things, by the way, I don't actually like.
I didn't think you were gonna have a fucking crisis about it.
You didn't realise I'd have a crisis? God, Kingsley.
Faking orgasms is so normal.
Every girl you've slept with has probably done it.
Oh, that makes it better! I did it with Baz.
I did it with Dave all the time.
Did you do it with JP? I Probably.
I can't remember.
Did you? I just said You can't lie.
Don't lie.
OK.
Fine.
Look, I didn't have to do it with JP, because it happened for real.
What, both times? Multiple ti Oh, no.
Yeah, ermboth.
Yes, both times.
Thank you.
No, it's good to be specific.
Clarity really is everything, isn't it? Don't worry.
You're the world's bestest snuggler.
Oh, good.
That makes it better.
Howard, hey! Over here.
Oh.
Hi.
Look! Can you believe this guy? Reading a magazine full of sexually objectifying images, out in the open, like he doesn't give a shit.
I know that individual, and it's probable he doesn't care.
Yeah? Well, as feminists, Howard, it's our job to make him care.
I am not Come on.
Where are you going? I'm going to enlighten him.
Excuse me.
I object to your objectification.
Hello.
The imagery of your magazine is something I experience as degrading to my humanity.
Because they're better-looking than you? Howard, would you like to help me explain? Women are human beings with brains, not just sexual objects for your gratification.
Yeah, right.
Even, ereven these ones? Especially those ones.
She's got some ludicrous idea in her head that she's gonna be able to stop the SU from selling lads' mags.
I mean, what's the next logical step? I have to wear a burqa? Can you believe she thought that Nuts was illegal? She's completely clueless.
Yeah.
Like, she didn't even know who Simon Cowell was until, like, two days ago.
And she thought Jordan was a country.
Well, you know, some women bang the drum.
Others, like Trudi Miller, for example, they use words, and in a way I think that's more powerful.
Would you excuse me for a moment? All right, is he OK? Becausebeer mats? Yeah, I think he was crying on the way here.
He was definitely crying this morning.
I'd say there's a chance he's maybe not all right then.
Or maybe I'm reading too much into it.
You should go and talk to him.
Find out.
Yeah, or, like, maybe you could talk to him since you like him so much.
Or you could talk to him multiple times.
OK, Kingsley, that's really pathetic.
This is serious.
Oh, sorry.
So, you're allowed to make jokes about the amnesty but I'm not Drinks ahoy! Oh, thanks, Mrs Nordstrom.
Chris.
Are you sure you don't want some money? Put it away.
My card's behind the bar so it's ours for the night.
Oh, lovely alcohol.
Isn't alcohol great? Has anyone else noticed how alcohol just makes everything so much better? Let's have a toast.
To you guys.
To bright, bright futures! Oh, and, ladies? Whatever you do, don't get knocked up at 19.
Cos, trust me, it'll fuck up the whole of the rest of your lives.
- To condoms! - To condoms! Oh.
Ha-ha! Good one.
I am so glad that my little Milly has found such lovely friends.
To Milly! To my little millstone round my neck! - Ha-ha! - To your millstone! To your millstone.
Ha-ha-ha! Babe, what's your beef with boobs? Boobs are great.
To boobs! Boobs! Now, right, what I don't understand is, how comes there's all these magazines full of loads of pictures of tits, right? But when I'm at the Swansea Lido and I take my top off to sunbathe, I got escorted off the premises, yeah, and given a three-month ban? Because, idiot, boobs aren't for kids.
Eractually, JP, boobs JP, what do you think of mine? Er I, ermwell, well, it's very difficult to to assess them when they're not in the wild.
ErmI've been fooled by a push-up bra before.
ErmI guess on, umbalance, they, erthey look pretty reasonable.
How many pieces did I say? Vod, I don't want to fuck your mum.
What? Why not? What's wrong with her? There's nothing wrong with her, Vod.
I mean, normally I'd be all over that old gold Watch it.
It's just that right now I'm not feeling particularly sexual.
Yeah, allall right.
Don't pour your heart out.
I'm not that interested.
Drink your drink.
How many's that? It's like my third, Mum.
It's like all that stuff that Miller says about the Cold War.
Like, I didn't even know I was making that comparison.
It's like she sees into my soul.
Whoops! Oh.
Sorry, I think I'm a little bit drunk.
Yeah, that's a surprisingly coherent assessment.
Are you OK, babe? Do you know your fucking problem, Kingsley? Chris.
You're too fucking nice.
You wanna keep a hold of him, love.
Cos most of 'em are just drunks and cunts.
Another round.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes.
You know, I shouldn't even be a mum.
Yeah.
I tried to go to the clinic to have an abortion but they said I was too late.
Fucking wankers.
But, I mean, obviously, you don't regret it, though? Having Vod? Every day.
That's why I used to palm her off on her nan as much as I could.
Oh.
Doesn't it drive you crazy living with her? She's so fucking messy.
Well, we're all quitequite messy, to be honest.
Vod's great.
She's funny.
Sheshe's hot.
She's a ledge.
I don't know why you're all defending her cos she thinks you're all a load of geeks and poshos.
Yeah, and you, specifically.
The wordthe word she used for you was twat.
Oh? You think you're all her friends but what you don't understand is Milly hasn't got any friends.
She's cold.
Cold, cold, cold.
Ha-ha.
Even when she was a baby, she had, like, these cold, dead eyes of a killer.
I've been scared of her all her life.
You never know what she's gonna do next.
Me, on the other hand .
.
I am a fuckload of fun.
OK, look, I'm a bit of a fan of licking but I personally found that very intrusive.
Oh, what have you done? Erexcuse me? I'm sorry.
Erwe need another card.
This one's been declined.
Crying.
Beer mats.
And now cheese.
I don't think I'm adding two and two together and getting five, when I say, "Will he actually kill himself?" He's a student.
Student suicide is on the increase.
Interesting.
He might stab himself multiple times.
Although, would he actually have stabbed himself or would he have faked it? Oh! My, ermum's got something that she wants to say.
Chris? Yeah.
Eryeah, sorry about last night.
Ermand, er for the record, eryeah, Vod loves you guys.
Soso, like, nothing I said was true.
So, ermI'm just having a few personal problems at the moment.
Jim, my boyfriend, sort of.
Ha-ha! He's a gambler.
Blackjack.
He's got this system where like, eryou track the dealer through thethrough the pack of cards Yeah, anyway, so, ermyeah, just to, like, to say sorry, I wanted to cook you dinner.
Cos I cook this fantastic Barbary duck.
So, don'tdon't eat today.
Cos it's gonna be massive.
Yeah? Oh, yeah.
So, I'm so, so sorry.
Hm! Yeah.
Object to objectification! Object to objectification! I object to your objections to objectification.
Candice, as I'm sure you can appreciate, for someone like me, ermdepictions, representations, if you like, are all that's available to me in terms of intimacy.
Those of us who exist on a mainly solitary basis, you know, we have to often resort to the only means available.
I'm a bit lost.
Are you talking about wanking off to porn? No! But if I was? Porn is very exploitative, Howard.
Yes, I know that, Morpheus, thanks to you and your red pill.
So, that's why I looked up organic porn.
You know, the free-range stuff, the good stuff.
Where the women have space to roam around? And it turns out it doesn't exist.
No.
So, I would very much like to go back and take the blue pill.
Please.
I'm not sure I follow.
Candice, I don't want to wank off to art.
I've done it before.
It just isn't the same.
Well, if you're that desperate, we could always just have sex.
That was a feminist joke.
I've got a tutorial.
Shit.
I'll not endure it.
His knights grow Ooh.
Hey, Vod.
Where's your mum? Oh, out buying ingredients.
Heh.
Bit glad of a breather, as it goes.
She's winding me right up.
Mums, eh? Drive you mental.
Yeah.
I just hate the way you always have to look out for your mum.
You know? Like you take your eyes off her for one second and she's fucking buying speed off an undercover cop or shagging your geography teacher at parents' evening, I mean, you know? Yeah, I guess.
It's like having a kid.
Only worse.
At least a kid leaves home at 14.
Oh Mums, eh? Yeah.
OK, so, I don't particularly, er for various reasons, give a fuck, but we've noticed you seem a bit weird.
I'm fine.
Will you tell us if you're going to kill yourself? Because we don't want to have to live with the guilt.
I say we.
I mean Josie.
She feels responsible, for some reason.
Probably cos she feels guilty that when you slept together, she faked it.
Umshe definitely didn't fake it, either time.
Like you'd even know.
UmI'd know.
I can tell.
I know the signs.
What signs? I can't remember all of them.
I'd have to dig out my stack of FHMs.
Why? Do you want sex tips? Are you kidding me? I give sex tips.
I don't take them.
Ear lick.
Rotate the pudendum.
Bum tickle.
Wow! I'm like a drone for the G-spot.
You should be writing this down.
Thanks, Kingsley, but it's like you're rolling out GCSE physics, but you're talking to Einstein.
I'm OK in that department.
Thanks.
Now go on, fuck off.
All right, Einstein? Oh, hey.
Do you think there's any chance that the Trudi Miller who wrote my review also works at the University of Cincinnati and lectures in graphic design? No.
Ermsee this .
.
sexual objectification, I mean, how big a deal is it? It doesn't affect you, does it? No way.
Well, not me.
I mean, when I was at school, yeah.
Cos, ermmen in white vans always beep at you when you're in your school uniform.
But other than that, only when I'm walking home alone late at night.
Or going past a building site.
Or wearing a short skirt.
Or on the beach.
Sometimes in a club maybe? Oh, and once I was in Florence and there was this strange man who put his hand on my arse and, umshowed me his willy.
And then, when I got back to the hotel, I found jizz on my rucksack.
But other than that it's, like, no big deal.
Why? The red pill is a bitter pill to swallow.
Right, shift up.
Whatwhat are you doing? I am going to help you find Trudi Miller.
How come? Generalised feelings of guilt.
Cool.
There is nothing on Google.
I have my ways.
No, I just want to look into her eyes and say, "Thank you, Trudi, you've changed my life.
" Hm.
Interesting.
There's awhat seems to be co-ordinates.
If I triangulate those, I should get a map location.
Yup.
There we go.
Do you know that bit of waste ground behind Humanities? How weird.
Maybe she's some kind of wise-woman guru type.
I'd better go check it out.
Thanks, Howard.
His knights grow Riotous.
Yeah, I know.
Er His knights grow riotous, and himself upbraids us on every trifle What? Trifle.
That's a joke, isn't it? I don't think so.
Oh, yeah.
Shakespeare's full of double meanings.
Well, she's meant to be angry.
Yeah, I know, but it's a bit sort of if it hasn't got any humour in it, it's a bit Anyway, whatwhat do I know? Come on.
Carry on, carry on.
Erno, don'tdon't worry about it.
I'd better go, or I'll be late if I don't.
Oh.
Aw.
Don't be late for Barbary duck! Oh.
It's a bit small, isn't it? I think it suits you.
There she is, boys.
Mick from the shop is pretty peed off with you.
So? You know what your problem is, sweetheart? You're a munter.
You're pug.
No-one's going to ask you to take your tits out for a magazine so you're just jealous of girls who can.
I don't agree with that statement on various levels.
Thank you, Howard.
And who says I can't get my tits out? I don't object to nudity.
I just don't like being objectified.
Well, I object to your nudity! Fine! I'll get them out, then! I am flying in the face of body fascism! I don't think you are, young lady! This is a public place.
Get off me! Leave me alone! I'm getting my tits out, Candice! I'm getting 'em out for the girls! Thank you.
And himself upbraids us on every trifle.
On every trifle.
Fuck this.
Can I boil you a cup of tea? No, thanks.
Trudi Miller loved your piece.
I'm glad Trudi Miller loved it.
I'm just not glad that Trudi Miller turned out to be Tony Shales.
"I found myself hoping that this young woman would live her life "as courageously as she writes her plays.
" I meant that.
I thought you saw into my soul.
But you were just trying to persuade me to shag you again.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Obviously you don't want to.
Do you? No! OK, OK.
I thought your play was very brave.
That's all.
It wasn't.
It was terrible.
I'm a terrible writer.
Only your dialogue.
Your prose is much better.
You've never read any of my prose.
So, is this where you live now? Oh, God, no! Ha-ha-ha! Only during the week.
At weekends I'm back at Mum and Dad's.
Just an accumulation of various shit things, really.
It's funny, you think your life's all sorted.
Then one thing leads to another and before you know it, it's not.
Ah, well.
It's all water under the bridge now.
Tell you what, though.
It'd make a good plot, wouldn't it? I'm not going to write a play about you, Tony.
OK.
Oh, fuck.
I think she's had a bit more than she's letting on.
Why don't you ask her to slow down a bit? Oh, yeah, good idea.
Have you got a mum? I don't understand.
Well, it would be like the time I asked her not to get pissed at sports day.
What does she do? Drops acid instead.
Thinks another kid's me.
Tries to take him home.
Police got involved.
It's just usual mum shit.
You know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, my mum's more sort of like, "If you get your nose pierced, I'll throw you out the house" sort of thing.
Yeah.
Mine's like, "Don't drink too much, don't do drugs and never eat cheese before bed.
" Starters are up.
Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Me first.
This is good.
Coke staves off the Beast.
Ha! Hoo! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Little Miss Goody-Goody's not so good after all.
Chris What? It's a joke.
She thinks it's funny! I see you, blondie.
Yeah, I see everything.
Why don't we go and do the duck? Sniff it up, Boris! It won't help you get it up, but it might take your mind off it.
In the kitchen now! I see the pretentious try-hard with her arty hairdo.
I see Little Miss Mousey, who's gonna end up fucking the freak.
Ha-ha! And I see him, yeah, who can't get it up cos he's too in love with the girl that rejected him.
Oh, that is a shame.
That's hard.
Not hard, in fact.
And I see them with their doomed relationship! Well, that woman is clearly delusional.
You fucking idiot! You fucking moron, Violet! I told you I was cooking Barbary duck.
How could you let me forget to buy the duck? Erright, sorry about that, guys.
Ermit's just the Beast.
Probably best to evacuate the area.
Who's the Beast? I'veI've got two mums, Amazing Mum and Mum the Beast, and after a certain amount of alcohol, the Beast comes out and there's nothing you can do about it.
It's best to go upstairs, hide under your bed and, erwait for it to pass out.
- Fuck! - Vod.
I believe what you have is not two mums, but one mum who drinks too much.
Yeah, she has to drink too much, because she's unhappy, because I ruined her life by being born.
But you didn't choose to be born.
We None of us did.
Yeah, that's true, isn't it? Fuck.
You idiot! Time to go.
Well, everyone say thank you to the millstone for fucking up the dinner, as well as everything else.
You're a shit mum.
Oh, that is fucking charming.
I offer to cook you dinner and I forget one ingredient and I'm a shit mum? You know what I'm like when I go shopping.
You should have reminded me.
Remembered your coke, though, didn't you? Remembered your eight bottles of wine? Exactly.
So, how am I shit? Becausethis feeling I get when I'm with you like I'm shit, that's cos of you! And I've always thought, "If Mum thinks I'm shit, then I must be shit, "cos mums are supposed to think their kids are nice.
" But actually it's you that's shit! Say that again.
Go on, I dare you.
Why? What you gonna do? You're shit.
Shit.
You fucking selfish little bitch! Stop! This is no way to solve I fucking don't believe this! I have given up my whole life for this! You're shit! I should warn you You're fucking shit! I have been in a fight before and I'm not afraid to You can fuck off as well! You fucking ruined my fucking life! And I can't stand it any fucking more! Yes! I don't even like melon! I don't like fucking melon! You make me sick, all of you! Where's your fucking dad, eh? Where was your fucking dad? Now you know why I get cross with you! Cos I'm fed up with your shit! We're not doomed, are we? No, we're not doomed.
I think I know why I couldn't get it up with your mum.
Yeah, mate, that's just it's not a great sentence, you know? It wasn't just because it was morally wrong and a betrayal of our friendship.
It was because she wasn't Sam andI miss Sam.
I know you guys all think that I'm thislovable rogue this happy-go-lucky sex machine, and I'm sorry to let you down .
.
but I think I think I have a broken heart! She wasn't good enough for you, mate.
Do you really mean that? No.
But it's what people say.
I knew JP couldn't get it up.
I knew it.
Are you getting turned on by the thought of JP not getting an erection? OK, should we be doing this? I don't give a fuck.
I've called you a taxi.
Oh You can't blame the Beast this time, Mum.
Not any more.
That is for trying to fuck my mum.