Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s03e01 Episode Script

Coming from America

1 Woman: We are now arriving in Taipei, Taiwan.
Purpose of your visit? Oh, it's a long story.
[Chuckles] Basically, I've come to reconcile with my brother.
See, our father could only send one of us to America, and it was me.
But Gene said he was over it when he came to Orlando, and asked me to be best man at his wedding.
Turns out, he wasn't over it, we got into a big fight, and he left me a note disinviting me, and stole our mother in the middle of the night instead.
So even though I am not the one at fault, I've come to set an example for my boys and show them I'm the bigger man by burying the hatchet.
I'll just write down you're visiting relatives.
[Stamp thuds] I'm here on business.
I need to get $200 back from my brother-in-law who wronged me.
We can just check that box.
You have a box for that? I'm home.
Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat Man, it's hot.
Like a wet hot.
Like the bathroom after Grandma takes a shower.
I regret wearing jean shorts.
Thick it's a thick fabric.
Jessica, your suitcase is so light.
That's because it's empty.
I'm buying everything we need for the year at the night market Back-to-school clothes, Christmas presents.
I packed only the essentials.
[Zipper opens] Evan, you don't need that.
According to these pamphlets, I do.
I went to our local AAA.
These are things every tourist should know when visiting Taiwan.
You're a member of AAA? I don't understand the question.
You're not tourists.
You're home.
But we've never been here.
Doesn't matter.
This is still your home.
I'm so excited, I didn't sleep at all on the plane.
I've got something for that.
How are you at swallowing caplets? Yo, my man, we need two stops.
Dad, how do you say, "Yo, my man, we need two stops," in Mandarin? Why do you need to make two stops? I have to find a fax machine on our way to Uncle Gene's so I can fax Alison.
She's going to the Kinko's near her dad's workplace every day.
We're not stopping so you can fax your girlfriend.
But what if we drift apart? We're only gone a week.
Trust me.
Nothing's going to change.
Baby Dramamine.
Don't take while operating heavy homework.
[Chuckling] It doesn't say that.
[Door buzzer] Hi, Big Auntie.
Boys, this is your big auntie.
Hello, boys.
$4 million! I learned English from Oda Mae Brown in "Ghost.
" - Best quality movie.
- Mm.
Come in, come in.
[Chuckles] [Soft music playing] That's Big Uncle Otis.
[Grunts] And my daughter Little Auntie.
And her husband Uncle.
And their son Wei.
Please call me by the English name I've chosen Hennessy, because I'm smooth and always in the club.
You're the first cousin I've ever met that I've liked.
What kind of rap music are you into? With a name like Hennessy, it's got to be the hard stuff.
I like Richard Marx.
[Sighs] And there it go.
Right away.
[Chuckles nervously] Uh [Clear throat] where's Gene? Oh, at the wedding location, attending to last-minute details.
So, Big Auntie, you're Grandma's younger sister? Mm.
And she's still bossing me around.
Emery, you're so handsome.
Thanks, but what I find most important is inner beauty.
At the wedding reception, I'll introduce you to my boss's daughter Perfect match.
I like your school uniform, Hennessy.
It's funny because it's so close to my normal aesthetic, - but why are you wearing it? - What do you mean? It's summer Summer vacation.
I have no summer break.
I have year-round school.
It's like they read my wish journal.
Can I borrow your car, Big Auntie.
I have to go find Gene.
Where is he getting married? The park? [Chuckles] The old cigarette factory? - [Brakes screech] - Oh! This is where he's getting married? - [Birds screeching] - Ooh, peacocks.
"Built in 1973 to house visiting dignitaries, "the Grand Hotel has hosted such luminaries "as the Shah of Iran, Richard Nixon, "and Linda Ronstadt "during her famous 'Heart Like a Wheel' tour.
" Mm.
[Chuckles] [Indistinct conversations] [Scribbling] I'm getting married here.
Didn't you see the electronic scroll? I know.
That's why we flew halfway across the world.
Big deal! Probably had a bunch of miles and flew standby.
Couldn't use them.
Blackout dates.
Had to pay full price.
[Gasps] So you had some layovers, then? Detroit? Tokyo? - We flew direct.
- [Gasps] Economy? - Plus.
- [Gasps] Even paid $4.
99 for headphones.
What was the in-flight movie? "The Truth About Cats and Dogs.
" [Gasps] [Sobbing] You spent so much.
So much! Let's finally put the past behind us, brother.
I'm honored to have you as my best man.
Well, I'm glad we came.
What a great moment.
We're all so happy.
[Both chuckle] Oh, there is so much to tell you.
Tomorrow, the whole wedding party is taking pictures in [Money crinkles] I'm sorry.
Uh, that's my wallet.
You owe me $200.
Oh, that's a lot more than $200.
Give up the dance, Gene.
The song is over.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Where's your business center? I need to send a fax.
Unfortunately, no children are allowed in the business center.
How about now? This is three U.
So, is that a lot to you or not a lot? - Really impressive, Gene.
- [Chuckles] How did you swing it? Oh, Margaret's cousin knows a manager, so we got a deal.
So, uh, where's this Margaret I've heard so much about? She's working at the temple.
Her wages are God's love.
[Traditional music playing] [Rock music plays] [Bang!] [Screaming] [Distorted screaming] [Whip, whip, whip!] Man: Cut! [Bell rings] [Music stops] Can you tell the bear that I need more mischief? I will tell him again.
Oh, there she is.
That's my Margaret.
Oh, oh.
So nice to meet you, Margaret.
- You're very strong.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- This is Margaret, my fiancée.
- Oh, babe.
- Mm.
[Chuckles] - Hi, Louis.
It's an honor.
I've heard so much about you.
No, no, no, no, no.
[Chuckles] - This is your fiancée? - Mm-hmm.
[Laughing] No! No, no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You love him? Mm-hmm.
No, no, no, no! No! I forgot how relaxing it is being around all Asian people.
You don't feel like a foreigner.
You blend in with everyone around you.
Who are you? Evan! [Groans] You know what? It would be okay if you were lost here, Evan.
There are no pedophiles in Taiwan.
People are too busy getting things done to have time for any hobbies.
Mom, are we almost there yet? I'm starving.
Yes, we are almost there.
I'm so excited to take you to my favorite place.
They only serve swordfish soup.
But it's 1,000 degrees out.
So the soup will cool you off.
According to my pamphlets, it's prime biting hour.
And according to Emery's face.
I guess I just have sweet blood.
Okay, no sweet blood, no pamphlets, no complaining.
You guys need to toughen up.
Stop being soft American eggs and start being thousand-year-old Taiwanese eggs.
Ah, here we are.
[Chuckles] See, it's so nice to be someplace where you have history.
What was that?! I heard a reference to Mickey D's! Nuggets! Woman: May I use your pen? Gene: Yeah, well, so, Margaret does a lot of commercials, a ton of print work.
And I'm also the voice of Little Tum-Tum in the cartoon "Here Comes Tum-Tum.
" - Mm.
- I don't know what that is.
But I can tell you right now, I love it.
Aren't they sweet? I haven't seen a couple this in love since Molly and Sam.
You know, from From "Ghost.
" We know.
So, you love him? [Margaret sighs] From the first moment I saw him in the acting class.
We had to act out a scene where we hated each other.
[Scoffs] We couldn't do it.
- [Speaking Mandarin] - You boys must be starving.
We heard about your failure today at the soup place, Jessica.
Everyone knows Mr.
Well I guess it's gotten more gossipy around here.
It was fine.
We had a great lunch at another place.
We had McRibs.
You had Taiwanese McRibs.
I'm gonna write another fax to Alison.
She hasn't heard from me in two days.
Eddie, I told you, nothing's gonna happen while we're gone.
Mom, every day Alison goes to Kinko's and there's no fax waiting for her is a bad day.
Because you know what is waiting for her? - Hmm? - The dude that works there, sliding in on my girl with open arms and a shiny name tag, creeping on her loneliness.
Those guys clean up.
That's why you work at Kinko's in the first place.
Because you're shady.
"Oh, your boyfriend hasn't faxed you? "I'll fax you every hour.
I'll fax you right now.
"To Sad Pretty Girl, Sorry you have a bad boyfriend.
"From Dwayne, who cares.
"Total number of pages, including this one one.
" - Well - Okay, mm.
We better get home.
Yeah, well, tomorrow's picture day.
We got to look our best.
"Get home"? Yeah, we live upstairs.
Yeah Jessica: Oh.
This is your apartment? [Chuckles] No.
Yo, it's way nicer than our house.
This is like Shaq-level nice.
Brand-new floors, vaulted ceilings, wrap-around windows.
- Toilet style? - Western.
[Whistles] Yeah, Margaret and I bought it and gave the downstairs apartment to Big Auntie.
Yeah, we got a good deal.
Her aunt knows a guy.
Dad, are we poor? What?! [Chuckles] No, of course not.
American middle class is like Taiwan rich, so I'd rather be Taiwan rich.
[Chuckles] [Camera shutter clicking] Okay, everyone.
Time to write your good-luck wishes to the happy couple on paper lanterns and send them into the sky.
"Wishing you a lifetime of only misery, "you ass pimple.
" What?! Don't send that up! I'm sending it up! No, do not send that to heaven! You want Grandma to read that? - No, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- No! - No! - N-No! - No.
No! No! - No! - No! I can't believe you would hold on to your stupid grudge about me going to America when you got this amazing life here.
Hey, you were the one who chose to leave.
I know! That's why I'm so mad! Why did I have to make it harder on myself and start over in America? I was already started here! We're the white people of here! [Sighs] Hello, old friend.
I've missed you.
Fax? Fax machine? [Sighs] Dude, you are getting destroyed by mosquitoes.
I've tried everything.
I've even quit using all my hair products, but they just can't stop giving me kisses.
I have to get Otis his herbs.
Will you be okay on your own? Please.
I'm in my element.
Do you take traveler's checks? Uh [Conversing in Mandarin] Where are we going? Don't worry.
She'll stop us.
- But she's not.
- She will.
But she isn't.
Is she looking at us? No, she's selling the pencil box to another customer.
That's a plan.
That's her sister.
We're not gonna fall for that.
- [Engine revs, horn honks] - Well, her sister just got on a scooter and rode away.
She'll be back.
She's doing a loop.
[Sighs] Whoa.
The new '96 Air Jordan Elevens.
Yeah You want these basketball heels? [Conversing in Mandarin] I know how this ends, Eddie.
If you want to squeeze my hand for support The hell? I got a great deal.
Moms! Thank you! So what if I can't fax Alison? Once she sees me in these, she's mine forever! [Westside Connection's "Bow Down" plays] The world is mine, yeah, get back Don't mess with my stack, the gage is racked Bow down before I make a phone call Got 25 killers running up on y'all For the cheese We want them keys Everybody freeze, on you knees Butt-naked, please Bow down When I come to your town Bow down When I'm westward bound Bow down 'Cause I ain't a hater like you Bow down to a killer that's greater than you Bow down Bow down Eddie! Your shoes.
What?! No! [Big Auntie groans] You bought the bad fakes instead of the good fakes.
Never buy in-store.
Always go to second location for good quality.
I forget there's always a second location.
Your negotiating muscle has atrophied.
[Indistinct conversations] This is way nicer than our wedding.
We got married at City Hall and had our reception at a car dealership.
[Sighs] Just be happy you guys got to give love a chance.
My horse got shot at the starting gate.
Emery, this is my boss's daughter I was telling you [Gasps] [Screams] Nice meeting you! I love that there's year-around school here.
It'd be great to stay for the whole summer, go back to Orlando, skip a grade, and lap Eddie before he knows it.
Why don't you go in with Hennessy tomorrow? Sit in on his class, see what you think? Yes, girl.
[Glass clinks] Hello, everyone.
Thanks for coming.
Uh, my brother was supposed to give a speech, but he's proven unable to present a positive message.
So, instead, I will introduce our wedding video myself.
Please enjoy the story of how Margaret and I met and fell in love.
[Applause] Oh, my love This is my acting class.
[Gasps] - There's my husband.
- My darling I've hungered for [Groans] - [Gasps] - Are you okay?! I think so.
This is how they met? - So much, are you - Ge-e-e-ne! [Voice breaking] Why can't you see me? - Still mine? - Margaret.
You in danger, girl.
I need your love Our love knows no bounds.
We are both ghosts, now and forever.
[Music ends] [Cheers and applause] [Sobbing] I'm sorry, Jessica.
Why was the pot already painted? I'm sorry I couldn't give you a life like the one Gene and Margaret have here.
What are you talking about? [Sighs] You've always said how much you missed Taiwan.
Maybe we should move back.
Things would be easier.
No, they wouldn't.
It's hot, crowded, there's mosquitoes a sick obsession with the movie "Ghost.
" Everybody here knows everybody else's business.
[Sighs] Even shopping at the night market isn't as fun as I remembered.
You're just upset because of what happened with Eddie's sneakers.
No, that's not it.
I know I've been saying how different things are here, how they've changed, but it's not true.
They're the same.
I'm the one who has changed.
And I'm homesick for Orlando.
You know what I miss? Bagels.
I want a bagel.
I didn't even think I liked bagels, but I want a bagel.
[Chuckles] Well, I still think we'd be able to afford a better life in Taiwan.
Through shortcuts and connections, yes.
But you have worked hard for everything you have.
You've earned it.
No one's given you anything.
We did it, Louis.
We moved to America, and we made it.
We are the success story.
I guess we are.
I mean, we did fly economy plus.
Besides, no one loves America more than you.
As soon as we moved back here, you would miss it over there.
And as soon as we go back there, you know you're gonna miss it here.
Well, maybe we'll never feel completely at home in either place.
Oh, my God.
We are "Ghost.
" We are Patrick Swayze in "Ghost.
" Stuck between two worlds, part of both, belonging to neither.
Damn it.
It is the best movie ever.
- [Door buzzer] - [Horn honks] Hey.
I am so sorry for how I behaved, Gene.
I really am happy for you, for the life you've made here for yourself.
"Wishing you a lifetime of only happiness.
" [Chuckles] That's what I thought it was gonna say the first time.
That's why I was so shocked.
Well, I'm glad I got to be here for your special day.
Me, too.
We shouldn't wait another 10 years before we see each other again.
Well, I have a flight through Orlando next week.
That's a little too soon.
Ready to head to the airport? We're not leaving until tomorrow.
I still think we should head out now, though.
I thought you were excited to spend the day with Hennessy at school.
I was.
Who can tell me what the Pythagorean theorem is? The square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides.
- [Smack!] - [Gasps] But that was the right answer.
I know, but I didn't say it loud enough.
I am an American citizen.
Please take me to my embassy.
I'll go get us a cab.
Jessica: Ahh! Ahh! It's so nice and cool in here.
Feels good to be home, doesn't it? Wait.
Who the hell left the A.
on?! Come back, outer beauty! Alison: Hey.
It's over.
Alison, I swear.
I tried to fax you every day, but I couldn't find a fax machine and so Oh, it's fine.
I figured something like that happened.
- No big deal.
- Really? Then what did you mean by "It's over"? [Sighs]