Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s04e04 Episode Script

1 Mmm, it's a lot of on it.
It's got a few dings.
Best I can do is sticker price.
Mmm.
I'll just try Joe's Pumpkins instead.
Joe gives you a bag of dead leaves with every purchase.
Wait! I'll throw in a cut-out of a black cat to hang in your window.
Wearing a witch's hat? I can make that happen.
We both knew we'd get here, but we had to dance.
[LAUGHS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMING.]
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
Great news.
I found us a family costume.
We can all be characters from "Seinfeld.
" I'll obviously be Jerry, Jessica, you can be Elaine.
I already have a costume.
I'm Jennifer Hong.
From the novel I'm writing.
"A Case of a Knife to the Brain.
" Oh! Right.
I knew it.
Well, I'm happy you're at least participating in Halloween.
It's a sub-par holiday.
We all know that.
But, while you're out doing your thing, I will enjoy a distraction-free night to write.
I need a big surprise for chapter two, but I'm stuck.
Well, what if you tried If I need civilian help I'll let you know.
Huh.
All right.
Here you go, boys.
You want me to be Newman? I'm out, too.
It's my bad luck year, and I can't mix that with a superstitious holiday.
Really? I'll wear my costume in my room, though.
Maybe you can come visit.
I'll put out some ham.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey! I got you an amazing George Costanza costume and found an incredible pumpkin.
Check it out.
Ooh, I already picked up a pumpkin.
The house is low on mouthwash, so I stopped by the grocery store and grabbed this guy while I was there.
A plastic pumpkin? It's more efficient.
Now you don't have to haggle every year.
Plus [MC HAMMER'S "ADDAMS GROOVE" PLAYS.]
You rang? They do what they wanna to do Say what they wanna to say Live how they wanna live Play how they wanna play Dance how they wanna dance Kick and they slap a friend - Addams Family - A perfect song.
They do what the wanna do Say what they wanna say S04E04 It's a Plastic Pumpkin Louis Huang Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat Addams! Too legit Addams! Too legit Go! Go! The Addams Family Yo, take me to That's enough squash music.
Eddie and Emery are outgrowing Halloween, but I thought I had a few more years left with Evan.
"Efficient" he said he bought this because it was "efficient.
" Oh, he gets that from me.
Efficiency, beauty, speedy gait.
What child says that? Also, what child buys mouthwash "for the house"? Louis, don't worry.
If Evan had outgrown Halloween, he wouldn't have bought a pumpkin in the first place.
I guess you're right.
Hey, Evan.
Yes? Um, to be "efficient," we should probably go over what candy we're handing out this year.
Now, I know what you're going to say, but I want to include Almond Joy.
It is a good candy.
Sorry, I can't hand out candy with you.
I already have plans.
Wh? You know what else he gets from me is porcelain skin.
Put it on the list.
Thank you for coming.
We need to discuss the Sally Nelson situation.
Who's Sally Nelson? Good God, Dave.
She's a senior on the dance team, and she's throwing the social event of the year.
A Halloween party? Oh, we should totally go to this.
We weren't invited, Dave.
Our only crime? Being freshmen.
I understand discrimination, now.
Why can't they just let us live? [SIGHS.]
Guys, I know how to get us in.
- For real? - Yes! Lead us.
All we have to do is hang out on the stoop across from her house wearing badass costumes, looking hard.
Sally will think we're cool and invite us in.
Yes, my plan sucks, but does anybody have a better one? I guess this half-baked garbage is our only option.
Great.
We're all in.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yep.
Microwaves have come a long way, let me tell you.
Yeah.
So, um, what plans do you have for Halloween night, exactly? I'm going to that adults' party at Deidre's house.
Seriously? Well, since Emery's sitting it out and we're not doing our regular couples costume, - I figured why not? - But if Deidre's party's for adults, why were you invited? The HOA.
I helped Deidre with the guest list.
Sometimes, I think she throws these parties just to leave Lisa out.
But the thing is, I could really use your help - on Halloween night.
- But I'll just get in the way.
But fun-size candy should be handed out by fun-size hands.
But you're so good at it.
But I'm a bad costume-guesser and I need your help.
But I already RSVP'd, and I would feel so bad.
But adult parties are so boring.
Everyone just talks about how tired they are or what diet they're on, and all you want to say is "You should be on the 'Shut Up Diet' where you only shut up.
" You get trapped in these conversations you don't want to be in.
Is that really how you want to spend your Halloween night? Carol-Joan does always ask me for financial advice and she never takes it.
Oh, that is just so disrespectful of your time.
It is.
It really is.
Okay, I'll hand out candy with you.
[SNAPS FINGER.]
Fantastic.
By the way, I heard Carol-Joan is upside-down on her mortgage.
Mm.
I know.
I mean, I didn't, but I did.
Mm.
"You may cut my funding, Mayor Badford," Jennifer Hong said as she lit her cigarillo, "But I will not sleep until I find out who used that knife to stab that brain.
" Chapter one still holds up.
Bow buh-bow bow bang bow-bowww Da-da-da-da da-da What's the deal with impressing your wife? You look like an ugly woman.
Happy Halloween.
Hope you get a lot of writing done.
Hope is for amateurs.
And now, the story continues.
Damn it.
Why is writing so hard? There's a weird sound coming from Grandma's room.
If it's a low moan that turns into a rapid gurgle, that's normal.
I don't hear anything.
SPOOKY MALE VOICE: I invite you to come inside.
Did you hear that voice? That man's voice.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
You heard the voice though, right? It was probably just her yawning.
She has a very mannish yawn.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER, MUSIC BLARING.]
Dave Juggalo.
Badass.
Trent death-row inmate.
Badass.
Me and Walter Craig and Smokey from "Friday.
" Badass.
Explain yourself.
I'm Prince, and this is the one time of year I can wear a plunging neckline.
[SIGHS.]
Just sit behind us, Brian.
This fool's gonna mess up our shot at getting in.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God! So cute! What? Baby girl was Ariel.
I was just sharing my joy.
Don't react.
On the inside, you can be like, "Ooh," but on the outside, be like Okay.
I promise I won't [GASPS.]
Oh, no! It's a Pikachu! Screw this.
We're never gonna get into this party anyway.
I'm gonna enjoy my Halloween.
Hey, little man.
You touched my heart.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Evan, first customers! [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Evan? [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Oh, their costumes I have no idea.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Trick or treat! [LAUGHING.]
Ohh.
Oh, what a lovely, uh pimp and hoe? My son is Willy Wonka and I'm not in costume.
I'm sorry.
Happy Halloween.
[SIGHS.]
He hasn't even opened his Costanza costume.
Where is he? He went to Deidre's.
[MUSIC PLAYING, INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Ah! Louis! Get in here, you slut.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, Deidre.
Uh, have you seen What are you doing? Why are you behind the bar? It's my costume.
I'm Tom Cruise from "Cocktail.
" There's a guy here dressed as Tom Cruise from "Risky Business" who hates the attention I'm getting.
I thought we were supposed to hand out candy together.
Well, I thought I You shouldn't even be here.
This party is not age-appropriate.
Now, let's go before I get trapped in a conversation.
Louis, hey.
Just got back from Trinidad and Tobago.
Well, that's nice.
Gotta go.
Unfortunately, a vacation doesn't solve all your problems, you know.
Sarah and I are still having issues We're working at being better at communication Just love them both so much.
Leaving so soon? I don't know what you're so happy about, 'cause "Days of Thunder" Tom Cruise just walked in.
Hey [MUSIC BLARING.]
Hey, guys.
You going to that party? Eventually.
You didn't get invited.
- Hell no.
- Well, good luck.
I'm heading to my own party.
The girls' softball team is throwing it.
Girls' soccer will be there, girls' volleyball, the Junior Business Women League Can I come? Uh - Sure.
- How far is this party? It's hard to walk in these heels.
You know what's harder than that? Me.
You know what's harder than you? Me.
Don't forget about me.
I'm also still hard.
[SIGHS.]
You make it look so easy, you beautiful jerk.
I have a theory about the weird voice we heard in Grandma's room.
Me, too.
Your grandma is weird.
What? She keeps hard-boiled eggs in her purse.
This is way more strange.
And it's Halloween night, so there can only be one explanation.
Grandma's possessed.
See, this is why I hate Halloween.
Everyone's imagination runs wild.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
I'm serious.
My bad luck year has invited evil into this house.
[KNOCKING CONTINUES.]
Why isn't Louis answering the door for those candy-beggars? Louis! Grandma probably did something to him.
I bet he's stuck in the TV! How could he fit in the TV? [KNOCKING CONTINUES.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC CHIMES.]
What in the world? Bring us Jenny.
We must have Jenny.
Who are these people? We should follow her.
Yes, we should.
It might help me with my novel.
Mom.
I need a plot twist, and a possessed grandma character would be perfect.
I don't feel bad.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, wait.
Do it again for Louis.
Am I making you pregnant, baby? Ha-haa.
Fun.
Well, goodnight.
Hey, settle a small dispute for us about baby names.
So, my ancestors are Celtic, and Marvin's people are from Latvia It's smart, it's funny, it's scary, it's surprising and they killed off Drew Barrymore in the first five minutes.
She was in all the commercials! After that, I didn't know what to expect.
I already had the yellow jumpsuit from a "Miata Queens of Orlando" event.
Well, it was nice catching up with you.
Want to know who your friends really are? Start a car club with them.
All right, Evan, we finally made it.
Why are we holding hands? I thought you wanted to tell me a secret outside.
Get your non-alcoholic daiquiris here! Louis! Have you heard of this dumb new thing called Netflix? They mail DVDs.
I don't like it.
I mean, in the first five minutes.
How they gonna do Drew like that? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Oh, snap.
It's the varsity football team.
Their costumes are their jerseys.
Damn, that's hard.
We can't look intimidated.
Stay strong, boys.
Hey, keep your chin up, man.
- It gets better.
- Yeah, kid.
It's okay.
- Take it day by day, man.
- It's all right.
Come on, boys.
Are you crying? No, man, I'm sweating.
It's hot as balls out here.
Those guys thought you were crying.
You look like you're crying.
Dave's face is undermining our hardness.
You know what? Fine.
I'm out of here.
I ate too much watermelon during lunch, so my stomach hurts anyway.
And then there were two.
I can stay here all night.
And, no, you can't have some.
Find your own energy.
[CRUNCH.]
Mmm.
Here you are.
Mm.
Ooh.
This isn't a Manhattan.
It's a non-alcoholic Rob Roy.
Have a safe and responsible Halloween.
Boo! I.
D.
, please.
Hey! We're going to hand out Halloween candy together like we said we would.
But my shift isn't over yet! My tips! Why is Brian Boitano stealing our bartender? [LAUGHING.]
Oh.
You see? Isn't this so much more fun than that adult party? George is getting upset! Happy Halloween! [AS SEINFELD.]
Ya heard of Pop Rocks? Tell ya what, if I'm the inventor of Nerds candy, I'm pretty upset! [AS COSTANZA.]
Same concept, just added noise.
Pop Rocks are loudmouth Nerds, Jerry.
Anyway, here you go, uh Uh [WHISPERS.]
Mouse Boy! I'm The Brain, from "Pinky and The Brain.
" Oh.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
You purposely gave me the wrong information about that costume.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Now you know what it feels like to be embarrassed in front of people.
Like when you dragged me out of Deidre's.
Why did you even go to Deidre's? We made a plan to hand out candy together.
I never said I wasn't going to Deidre's.
I was just going to do a quick lap to show my face and lost track of time.
What child does a "quick lap" to "show his face"? Act your age.
I could say the same thing to you.
What's that supposed to mean? You always behave like a child on Halloween.
If you acted more like an adult, we could have had a conversation about this instead of making a scene at the party.
How was that party even fun for you? I know I'm just 11, but I like the stock market, classic literature, debate.
But you're just a kid.
Yes, I'm a kid, just not the type of kid you want me to be.
I'm putting my bar back on and heading over to Deidre's.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
What is this place? An old church, but before that, a strip club.
Everything in Orlando used to be a strip club.
[CHANTING "AAAAEEEEIIIIOOOOUUUU".]
Death.
Butcher.
Graveyard.
What is this darkness? We saw this in "The Craft.
" It's a coven.
I invite you to come inside.
That's the same voice we heard in Grandma's room.
He must be their leader.
Let's grab Grandma and get out of here.
Sounds good.
I'm right behind you.
[EXHALES.]
This is all gold.
Grandma.
Release my grandma from your coven.
What does that stand for? "Evil Sorcery League"? "Evil Spellmaking Lab"? "English as a Second Language.
" What? But, the weird voice in your bedroom And the people at the door? I don't get it.
Why didn't you tell us you were taking this class? [WHISPERING FAST.]
Damn it, Emery, what do we do? She knows.
I do.
Is everything okay? Uh, uh, uh.
In English, please.
[GIGGLES.]
Sorry, teacher.
Would you like to have a hard-boiled egg? I have some little salts! Oh, my God.
She's into him.
She is sprung.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
This is a love story? There's nothing scary about old-person love.
It's just so beautiful.
Well, goodnight.
You were right.
I act like a big goofball around this holiday.
I didn't get to have Halloween as a kid, so I guess I'm just making up for lost time.
And, because you're the youngest, I thought you'd be with me for another few years, but that's not who you are.
A wise pumpkin once said, "Do what you wanna do, say what you wanna say.
" "Live how you wanna live.
" "Play how you wanna play.
" Thanks, Dad.
Cheers, "Bartender" Tom Cruise.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[RAPID KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Actually, it's kind of dark outside.
Could you walk me over there? I'd love to.
[AS COSTANZA.]
Hey, Jerry.
I wasn't gonna say anything, but I noticed you, uh, double-dropped that candy earlier.
[AS SEINFELD.]
What are you talking about? You gave that mouse kid two Almond Joys.
You double-dropped.
I like a double-drop.
What's wrong with a double-drop? [MUSIC BLARING.]
I'm surprised you lasted this long.
I thought I was gonna be the last man standing.
Honestly, this is easy for me.
How's that? This is who I am normally.
Most of the time I'm faking emotion.
Halloween isn't hard for me.
It's the other 364 days of the year.
That's when I wear my mask.
I try to pick up social cues from movies and TV, but it's so tough for me to fake my reactions to you guys like I'm a normal person.
Like, you know you you see frogs in a creek sometimes, and you just want to hit them with a baseball bat to see if they'll pop? Sucker.
Frogs are my favorite.
Hey, I'm Sally.
I've been watching you.
You're pretty hard.
Get in here, Red.