Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s04e11 Episode Script

Big Baby

1 So then I asked, "Is there diary in the beignets?" And the guy says My mom is coming to visit.
Whoa.
Fay's coming? - Next week.
- Hmm.
She called before Louis and Jessica came over.
She wants to help me get ready for the baby.
Yeah, but I thought that you and Jessica were gonna go on that Best Friends cruise that you won on "Wheel of Fortune.
" I'm sorry, Jessica.
I can't go.
Good.
I can't go, either.
To beautiful Cozumel? Why not? I saw on the nightly news that every year, one woman falls off a cruise ship.
It's only January.
If I went out there and somebody pushed me over, as I was falling to my death, I would be thinking, "This is all my fault.
I knew it was January.
" I am so glad you're gonna be here.
I could use your help with my mom.
She still treats me like a teenager.
She is very controlling.
Well, I am also controlling.
I love control.
Pass the water.
Control.
Exactly.
So, with you on my side, I'll finally have control through you.
I think that is a dynamite plan, the two of you taking on Fay together.
Building off that, maybe Louis and I could go on that cruise.
MARVIN: I mean, it expires, right? We don't want to lose it.
It is slow at the restaurant after the holidays.
January's when people lie to themselves about getting in shape.
Great.
Sounds like a plan.
And of course, I'll call you every night to say, "I love you.
" Aww.
And I will also call you every night Ship-to-shore calls cost a fortune.
If you truly love me, don't call.
Okay.
S04E11 Big Baby Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat Okay, my mom will get to my house at 11:40.
You come over at 11:45.
She'll have been there for five minutes, so you'll walk in mid-fight.
It'll be something about how I'm not being pregnant right.
Just take my side, and then strongly suggest my mom take a nap.
I'll just say she looks tired from her travels A long way from Salt Lake City, blah, blah, blah.
She's from Scottsdale, but, yeah, that's fine.
Oh, also, since Marvin's gone, will you come with me to this parenting class I signed up for? Can I use a fake name in the class? Just for fun, you know? I've always wanted to try the name "Cynthia McCormick.
" Honey, here are the red paint swatches from when the HOA repainted that fire hydrant.
Thank you.
Ooh, so many shades! So, what are you painting? You know how most people assign gender to their babies through color? You know, how they paint their nursery pink or blue based on the baby's sex? I want to do our nursery in a gender-neutral color Red.
Red? No.
Satan was a red baby.
Satan? The Devil.
Lucifer.
Beelzebub.
The Beast.
Yeah, no, I know who Satan is.
I just don't think red is gonna summon him.
You don't think, but you don't know because no one's been crazy enough to take the chance.
Please do not bring the Shadow King into this neighborhood.
Dragonflies don't have stingers.
I didn't get stung.
I was in the driveway when a dragonfly landed on me and injected its eggs in my arm.
There's a new transfer student, and she's cute.
This school is huge.
There's no way you can know every girl that goes here.
Of course I can.
What else am I doing? Look.
She's right there.
Looks like she needs assistance.
[ GINUWINE'S "PONY" PLAYS] I'm just a bachelor I'm looking for a partner [THINKING] I'm not ready to be a dad.
Ride it, my pony My saddle's waitin' Hi.
I'm Karen.
Could you show me to my class? I'm new.
[GROANS] Tight.
I'm Eddie.
I'll show you where the good bathroom is, too.
All the graffiti is really positive.
Yeah [SCOFFS] Did we not agree to keep that restroom a secret? [SIGHS] I'm late.
HONEY: 'Cause if you read it in a magazine, it has to be true, right?! Well, I don't care what you read about in Forbes, I am breast-feeding my baby! Jessica, what a pleasant surprise.
My mom just got here six minutes ago.
So, you think your body, the same body that produces urine, can naturally produce nutrition better than scientists in a lab? [CHUCKLING] I don't think so.
Breast-feeding is efficient and economical.
All the food is free, plus you don't have to waste gas driving to the store because the store, it's right there on you two locations.
Thank you, Jessica.
Mom, this is my neighbor and best friend I was telling you about.
- Hello, nice to meet - Nice to meet you.
You look weary.
You should consider taking a nap.
Oh.
Well, I guess I am tired from searching for where Honey keeps her water glasses.
Maybe I will go lie down.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] Thank you so much.
You diffused that whole situation.
Well, no one can control the controller, Honey.
I'm like a universal remote.
I mute any TV you point me at.
All right, well, I better run to the store and pick up a roast chicken.
My mom likes to tear into a bird when she wakes up.
[PEOPLE CHEERING] [BOAT HORN BLARES] Well, that was one hell of a send-off, huh? [LAUGHS] Where were those people when I pushed off for Guam? You know, I've never been on an all-inclusive vacation before.
I'm gonna take advantage of everything on this ship and not spend a dime.
[LAUGHS] Sounds like you're gonna go all out, huh, buddy? Or am I going full steam ahead? On a passenger vessel? Dear God, I hope not.
Oh.
[LAUGHS] I drew a circle around it to see if my baby bump's getting bigger.
It's firmer.
You want to feel? I'm good.
How'd it go with the new girl? She wants to eat lunch together.
Maybe it's just the hormones from the dragonfly pregnancy talking, but I'm really happy for you, Eddie.
I don't know.
I can't tell if she likes me.
Just give her the "Soda test.
" Crack open a can, take a sip, and offer her some.
If she goes lip-to-can instead of pouring it from above Then she definitely likes you.
[AIR HISSES] [INDISTINCT CHATTER] Sip? Okay.
[CHUCKLES] [EXHALES SHARPLY] Ooooooh! Yeah Have you heard of this new thing called "Co-sleeping" where the baby sleeps in bed with you? JESSICA: Ridiculous.
You know, I used the same crib for all three of my boys No successful escapes.
What's going on? Oh, hi, dear.
Jessica and I are just chatting.
I came back over because I heard screaming.
I couldn't find the towels.
They're in the linen closet.
Anyway, Jessica and I started talking, and we share many of the same philosophies.
Like baby-proofing the house It's nonsense.
Your kids stubs their toe, they feel pain, they learn.
Honey burned herself in the fireplace three times.
We refused to put up a screen.
She learned.
Yes! Yes! It's about time someone said it.
Thank you, Fay.
Oh, please.
Call me Mrs.
St.
Claire.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
Jessica, a word in the nursery? Uh I haven't painted it yet.
Okay.
[DOOR CLOSES] You're supposed to be on my side.
You said you'd support me.
Oh, you're right.
I'm sorry.
I'm just drawn to a strong critical energy.
I will admit that.
Okay, well, we need to go back out there and present a united mothering front.
Absolutely.
Whatever you want, I'll follow you're lead.
Whoa.
Honey, what is this? I went rummaging.
It's a parenting class Jessica and I are going to.
"Wilhelmina Page, Child Sage"? Babies shouldn't play with phones.
It's reckless.
What if it called 911? Well, then it should be given a MacArthur Grant because at that stage of development, it would be a genius A genius hero baby.
Hmm.
The Page Method is about letting the baby tell you what it needs.
Babies can't talk.
This baby-led parenting just means letting the child do whatever it wants and catering to it every time it cries.
Crying means it needs something.
Right, Jessica? Yes.
Mm-hmm.
That class seems like a great use of time.
Hmm.
Can I come, then? Y-You want to come? Well, I've rummaged through everything worth rummaging through.
I'll just sit in the back, reading my Forbes, breaking in my new boat shoes.
I'm meeting Karen at the library, then we're going to her house and chill.
Halt! [BREATHING HEAVILY] Eddie, I have bad news.
As a member of the Safety Patrol, I was helping Karen set up her locker, and I saw a picture of her and her ex-boyfriend from a school dance.
[SIGHS] He's Asian.
So? So, she didn't pick you over us.
She's just got a "thing.
" She's only into you because you're Asian.
As a ginger who's been repeatedly objectified, you don't want to go down this road.
Now it makes sense.
She didn't even look my way.
I usually get at least one glance, even if it's defensive.
She also has a picture up of her favorite guitarist.
Hendrix? Iha James Iha, the blond Asian guitarist from The Smashing Pumpkins.
Nah, man.
She picked me because she has a preference for dope G's.
You guys are just jealous.
I'll prove it.
[SIGHS] [CHEERING] [CHUCKLES] 17.
Winner.
Come on, Lou, you gonna play or what? Oh, just watching.
I'm not spending any money on this trip.
How many servings of prime rib have you had at the buffet? Mm four.
Okay, at market value of $19.
99 each, you're already up 80 bucks.
You know what? You're right.
I'm playing with house money right now.
[CHUCKLES] I'll stay.
Split me.
Hot dog! Double split.
Split me.
- Double-down city, Lou.
- All right.
17, 20, 18, 14.
Dealer has 13, 16.
[CHUCKLES] Dealer has 21.
[SLOW-MOTION GASP] I don't even like oysters.
But they're so expensive, they're the most efficient way for me to make up for my gambling losses.
Clockwise from the left, we have Fanny Bay Don't care.
Just keep 'em coming.
For centuries, mothers have believed that they know best.
But what if we flipped that? What if baby knows best? [CROWD MURMURING] Mm-hmm.
Powerful.
Yes.
I'm Wilhelmina Page, author of "Hear Me: My Nine Months in the Womb," a first-person account of being inside my own mother.
[COUGHS] Think of your heartbeat as a telegraph to the truth [SIGHS] And your baby is trying to pound out a message in Morse code.
Can you hear it? Listen.
Lean in.
The baby is saying "Beep beep.
Who got the keys to the Jeep?" Ha! Just playin'.
I love Missy Elliott.
We gonna have some fun in here today.
Let me get the questionnaires.
[LAUGHTER] She's a riot.
Hey.
I picked us up a couple snacks.
Which do you prefer Squiddies, a snack found in most Asian households, or Snickers? Snickers all day.
Which one of these books seems more interesting? "The Tao of Gung Fu" by Bruce Lee or "The Secret Power Within" by Chuck Norris? Chuck Norris.
He's great in that movie "Sidekicks.
" Oh, no.
My shoe's untied.
Who will help me? Oh, no.
My shoe is also untied, and I, too, need help.
Oh, it's okay.
Let me help you.
Knew those fools were just jealous.
Ah! He's fine.
We've helped enough children for one day.
Shall we chill? Okay, let's review your questionnaire responses.
Question number one How do you know when to feed your baby? Hmm? Beth C.
wrote W-Where's Beth C.
? Right here.
I'm Beth C.
Welcome.
Beth C.
wrote, "It depends.
" It does.
Right? It depends on what your baby is telling you, because the best feeding schedule is the one your baby designs.
Write that down.
Question number two When is it appropriate to hug your child? Cynthia McCormick wrote "Christmas Eve"? Affection is a powerful motivator.
If you hug them all the time, they won't know when you really mean it.
Okay, you know what? Why don't we switch gears, huh? Let's get into swaddling techniques.
Now, unfortunately, my little cat did get into the storage room and peed on all the baby dolls, so step right over here, grab a cloth and a melon.
Come on.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] Hey, hey.
So, what do you think? Well, it's nice to know that if we forget anything, the baby will tell us.
Ugh! This is so dumb! I thought you were just playing along.
I'm just trying to be supportive.
Well, the best way to be supportive is to be honest with Honey.
She's never been a mom.
She doesn't know.
Oh, I think I'm doing it wrong.
Everybody else's melon looks happy.
Right.
[SIGHS] She's vulnerable, overwhelmed by pregnancy hormones.
And Beth C.
is not helping, just nodding along with everything.
T-This all makes sense.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
We need to pull Honey aside and tell her this is nonsense.
It's for her own good.
We have experience.
She doesn't.
Okay.
It doesn't have legs, so [SCOFFS] JESSICA: Honey, we have to be honest with you This class is garbage.
We both think it's a waste of time and money.
Not me.
I don't know what you're talking about.
If this is what Honey wants, I support her.
I don't know what you're talking about.
That's not what I said.
You said we were gonna be honest with Honey.
I was being honest with her.
I think that Page woman has some great ideas, - and that's what I told you.
- That's not what you said.
I've only been honest with you about how I feel, even when we disagree.
You're the one that was in there pretending to like all that stuff.
[GASPS] HONEY: Look, Jessica may be a lot of things, - but she is not a liar.
- Truth! She's here because I asked her to be here.
You're here because the idea of me raising a baby without your input drives you nuts.
It drives me nuts because your ideas are crazy.
I don't understand what daughter doesn't want her mother's help.
I would love your help, but you're not trying to help, you're trying to control.
Well, you need to be controlled.
Look at the garbage you're buying into.
Look, I told you she thought this was garbage, Honey.
Anybody else's mother thinks this class is garbage, speak up now.
Huh? Huh? Hey, you know what? I've had enough of this.
I'm out of here.
Oh, well, that's real mature, young lady.
I guess your best friend and I will just find our own way home.
Maybe your child sage has a bus schedule.
- I'm gonna get a taxi.
- Yes, good.
We should go after her.
Wha I'm not going after her.
I'm going to the airport.
You're just gonna leave? So what? Honey left.
But you're her mother.
This is what she does.
She runs away and wants me to follow her.
She lives for this kind of drama.
She'll be fine.
Trust me.
Yeah, I don't know why libraries don't charge to make copies.
So many cheeks have been on that glass face and butt.
Wow, your ex-boo really changed his look over the years Went back and forth on the bangs.
[LAUGHING] No, those are three different guys.
What? My friends are right.
You do have a thing for Asian dudes.
What are you talking about? All your exes and guitar heroes have been Asian.
I-I never really thought about it, but, yeah, I guess they have.
So? Don't you think that's weird? No.
Why would that be weird? Do you think it's weird that all the girls you've liked have been white? But that's different.
See, that's not a preference, that's just what's around.
I first talked to you because I saw your "X-Files" shirt.
I love that show.
I thought it was gonna be about Malcolm X, but it turned out to be a great romantic sci-fi mystery.
And then we started hanging out, and I thought you were cool and funny and cute.
Okay.
That makes sense.
So should we start chilling, or But I was obviously wrong.
So you don't have to worry about who I like anymore, 'cause it ain't you.
Happy? That make you feel good? No.
I feel bad.
Please lave.
[SIGHS] Mm.
[SIGHS] I'm back to even.
There are sun beds down in the lower deck.
I fell asleep.
I'll pay for it in moles later, but it was worth it.
[STOMACH GURGLES] Hmm.
Ohh.
Mr.
Huang, you have a phone call from your wife.
What's wrong? What happened? Honey's mother is a piece of work.
What? They got into an argument, and she just left town.
I mean, I've threatened to leave the kids many times At the orphanage, at the fire station, at the mall But I've never actually done it.
Except for that time you left them at the ice cream store.
We agreed to call that an accident.
[SCOFFS] I know I need to go find Honey and talk to her, but I don't know what to say.
I feel the same way her mom does about a lot of this baby stuff, but Honey wouldn't listen to her.
Sounds like she just needs your support as a friend.
Her mom left.
You would never abandon her.
No, I wouldn't.
Not even by accident.
I have to go.
Bring me back a giant seashell I can blow to summon the kids.
[DIAL TONE] [RECEIVER CLACKS] Your phone charges, sir.
[SIGHS] I can't eat any more oysters.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] [SIGHS] Hey.
How did you know I was here? When you're upset, you crave high-sodium meats on meat.
My mom already left, didn't she? It's crazy.
We have never been close, but for whatever reason, I just hoped it would be different this time.
I'm sorry that happened.
Hey, I get it.
When I first got pregnant, not only was my mom not here, but I was new to this country.
I didn't know how anything worked.
I didn't have any friends who were moms.
I had to figure it out on my own.
That must have been so scary.
Not as scary as your nursery will be after we paint it red, which I will help you do because I support you.
Thank you.
Just to throw it out there, yellow is also a sexless baby color, But it's like a sunflower instead of the fires of Hell.
Just to throw it out there.
But whatever you want.
Let's do yellow.
So, the bite on your arm just went away? Yeah, I woke up, and it was gone.
Maybe I absorbed the dragonfly babies into my blood.
Dave, please.
I'm halfway through a clementine.
Great job, idiots.
Turns out Karen just liked me for me or used to.
Now I have no prospects on the horizon, and one more person knows about our secret bathroom.
So I hope you like seeing girls' Keds under the stall doors, because that's what's happening.
You know what? I'm fine with it.
[DOOR CLOSES] What are you doing back? The cruise lasts till next week.
Great news! Oh, your zinc intake is dangerous, Lou.
That's a lot of bivalves for one man.
[P.
A.
CHIMES] Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Ahoy! We regret to inform you that a female passenger has fallen overboard.
We need a complete head count at this time.
Please return to your cabins immediately.
We will be returning to port and giving everyone a refund.
Someone fell off the ship.
I got a full refund.
Didn't spend a dime.
And my seashell?