Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s04e13 Episode Script
The Car Wash
1 One and two and three and burn! What are you doing? Leg lifts.
Keeps the man buns tight.
[STRAINING.]
Four and five.
What are you up to? Nicole and I are gonna go see "Spice World.
" I didn't know you liked the Spice Girls.
I don't, but Nicole is obsessed with Scary.
Guess she likes them crazy.
Plus, one reviewer said it was "4 stars shy of a 4-star movie.
" It's gonna be so bad it's good.
[FALTERING BRITISH ACCENT.]
Like my British accent.
I'll give you guys a ride to the movie if you promise to never do that again.
[SCOFFS.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Nicole's gonna drive.
Besides, your car is mad filthy.
I can't be seen riding that kind of dirty.
What are you talking about? My car isn't dirty.
See? Clean.
That's the side of the car that gets hit by the sprinklers.
Oh.
What happened? You and Mom used to wash the car together every Sunday.
Yeah, I guess it's been a while.
Huh.
No wonder the grass is dying.
S04E13 The Car Wash Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat Isn't this fun, washing the car together? I can't believe it's been so long.
[FLIES BUZZING.]
Where are all these flies coming from? Is Marvin tanning a deer? [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, Jessica.
Oh! [SNICKERS.]
What are you doing? Oh, come on.
We love this.
It's cheaper, faster, and better than going to a car wash.
And it's a free upper-body workout.
I know.
Mommy, your book editor is on the phone.
Uch.
Terry.
He's in town and wants to meet about the manuscript.
I sent him a new draft, and he still has notes.
I also had some thoughts on your last draft if you're open I'm not.
[SIGHS.]
Sure, don't mind what ol' Evan has to say.
I'm only reading at a 9th-grade level.
MARVIN: Hey, it's been a while since you two washed the car.
Hey.
Marvin.
How long have you been sitting there? Three hours.
Oh.
Yeah, Jessica and I used to wash the car every weekend, but she's been busy lately.
I guess we'll get to it when she has the time.
Or maybe you'll never get to it.
What? I'm just sayin'.
You gotta stay on top of these things, Lou.
You don't want to lose that connection.
You think that's what's happening? Could be.
I mean, I don't know.
I'm just one man, reading Parade in the sun.
I don't want to lose our connection.
Well, then remind her how much she means to you.
Get her a nice gift.
That's what I always do.
[CHUCKLES.]
Aah! Marvin, call the store! The diamonds got corroded! [LAUGHS.]
It's not corroded.
It's chocolate.
She never wore them.
I asked her why once, and she said, "Oh, I wear them!" But she doesn't.
It's been a while since I surprised Jessica with something nice.
The last thing I got her was a Taser when she complained about the crowd outside Jack in the Box.
Yeah, ever since they introduced that Extreme Sausage Sandwich.
[SIGHS.]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
When the boy visits Santiago's shed each night, why does he reference his favorite baseball player, Joe DiMaggio? [SIGHS.]
Yes, Emery.
DiMaggio's father was also a poor fisherman, like Santiago.
That's right.
Santiago hoped the boy would rise above his circumstance I said that's right.
Sorry to interrupt, Ms.
Doris, but I have some V.
P.
C.
here.
Very Precious Cargo.
Oh.
As you know, Lincoln Middle School received its first grade-skipper this year, and now he's skipping his way into 7th-grade English.
There are no seats in the front row.
Hey, Stripes.
To the back.
This is so exciting.
We have a class together.
We're discussing "The Old Man and the Sea.
" Taking on classic literature, family style.
I like it.
Okay, can anyone tell me what the Old Man's struggle with the marlin represents? Ooh.
Oh, oh! I know, I know! Where am I supposed to sit? There's no empty desks back here.
Hell, knock off early.
You earned it.
Jessica, I have a surprise for Hi, Louis! This is my editor, Terry.
He arrived via Amtrak.
Unfortunately, I'm on a no-fly list.
I don't want to get into it.
Tell Louis the story about Tom Clancy.
Rumor is, Clancy's a vegetarian.
Crazy.
No meat.
Uh, yeah, impressive.
Uh, Jessica, can I talk to you? Okay, so here's the plan: We go back out there, I'll say my kidney is hurting, and I need a ride to dialysis.
Louis, it's okay.
I'm not looking for an escape.
Terry's actually pretty interesting.
But I thought you said he was annoying, always giving you notes.
Yeah, that is annoying, but Terry was telling me he's edited a lot of successful authors.
You know who else hates Terry's notes, but takes them? Koontz I thought you were gonna say more people.
Well, who else do I need to say? It's Koontz.
Terry invited me to his client's book reading later this week.
He says if I really nail these revisions, I could be traveling through Florida on my own book tour.
If all goes well, maybe we even hit the Rust Belt.
Uh, uh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I got you something.
Oh, what's this? A fly swatter? Mm-hmm.
It's electric.
Because earlier they were bothering you.
The Electro-Sizzle has a 3,000-volt grid.
- It burns bugs' bodies on contact - Mm-hmm.
And makes a victory sound every time you kill a queen.
Great.
I'll play with it later.
But But you got to properly store it in its sheathe! What are you doing? Making a diorama of "The Old Man and the Sea.
" This is the scene where Santiago uses a harpoon to fend off sharks.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
Ms.
Doris didn't assign us a diorama.
I know.
Okay, Evan, you're new to the class, so let me explain something to you: I'm this close to being Ms.
Doris' favorite.
Really? It doesn't seem like she likes you.
She told you to put your head down for the last ten minutes of class.
She knows I get overexcited.
I'll admit, she's been a tough nut to crack.
But I've almost got that walnut shelled.
Let me explain something to you.
I've been the favorite of every teacher I've ever had.
Much like Old Man Santiago, I refuse to be defeated.
You're out of your league, little man! Turn around and get outta here! Whoa, I hear conflict.
Are you guys fighting over a girl? No, a woman.
Oh! It's our teacher.
Oh.
I don't care enough about this to watch it conclude.
I'm gonna go see "Spice World" again.
Turns out it was really good.
I'm gonna stay for the end credits and everything.
Everybody who worked on that movie deserves my respect.
All right.
Hey, Marvin.
Sorry to bother you at work.
No, no.
It's totally fine.
You got me between patients.
Bye-bye, Mr.
Jensen.
[LAUGHS.]
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Man.
He always comes in just after he's eaten salami.
I took your advice, and it didn't work.
I bought Jessica a fly swatter, and she totally didn't care.
The Electro-Sizzle.
It's awesome.
You don't have to tell me.
I love mine.
I took down a whole family of moths with it after they destroyed my peacoat.
I left one alive to deliver the message.
Jessica normally loves practical gifts, but I think she was distracted by Terry.
- Who's Terry? - Her book editor.
Wait, is this a male Terry or a female Terry? Male Terry.
Those are the worst kind of Terrys.
So, she's too busy to wash the car, she's not interested in bug-zapping technology, and now this male Terry comes rolling in on the D train? Oh, this is more serious than just loss of connection.
This is a classic 7-Year Itch.
No, it's not.
Jessica and I have been married for 15 years.
Oh, then it's gonna hit you slightly harder than double.
Every marriage goes through this slump.
Mine certainly did.
How did you get through it? I got Honey! No way.
My marriage is not going to fall apart.
Yeah, that's what everybody thinks.
Then time marches on, and you drift a little bit apart.
Before you know it, you end up like Chrissie Shrimpton.
Who's that? Mick Jagger's first girlfriend.
She supported Mick in the early days.
Once The Stones got rolling, he rolled away from her and into the arms of Bianca.
I don't want to be Chrissie Shrimpton.
Nobody does.
Not even Chrissie Shrimpton.
Well, what do I need to do? Up your game.
You remind Jessica of the Louis that she fell in love with.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Bye, Ms.
Doris.
Hope you have a good night.
And I hope you have a wonderful night.
[SIGHS.]
Come on.
What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm gonna clean Ms.
Doris' whiteboards.
I was gonna rake her desktop Zen garden.
Uhh! Must erase board.
Get back here! [BOTH GRUNTING.]
Let go! [CRASH.]
[GRUNTS.]
Must rake sand.
Aah! - Stop.
- You stop! Hey.
Wait a minute.
What's this? It's a photo of Eddie and Ms.
Doris? How come you can see her teeth? I think she's smiling.
[CHRIS DE BURGH'S "LADY IN RED" PLAYS.]
Ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh-ooh I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight What are you doing? I've never seen you shine so bright You got flowers on my keyboard.
You won't need your keyboard in the bedroom.
I've been doing leg lifts.
[SIGHS.]
Now is not a good time.
I'm in the middle of something.
Oh, come on.
The boys are all out, and Mom's got her headphones on, watching "NYPD Be.
" The whole house is ours! I'm working on my book revisions.
Or the highlights in your hair that catch your eyes Want me to tickle your head? What? Oh, what's another word for "hemorrhage"? - Bleed out.
- The lady in red Is dancing with me I even offered to tickle her head.
Who offers to tickle someone's head? I meant "neck," but in the moment, I said "head.
" Oh, this is worse than I thought.
She's so focused on her book she doesn't even see me.
Well, then you got to get her away from that.
Get her out of the house.
Take her somewhere special.
Like a romantic picnic by the water.
Ho-ho! A checkered blanket for two.
Oh, but Terry's in town, she's on a deadline It's not a good time.
It's never gonna be a good time.
Forget all the reasons for not doing it and just sweep her off her feet.
Oh, a little tip No matter how well you think things are going, do not attempt to fly a kite.
No, I'm pretty sure it's Porsche Spice.
Like, what is Posh? All right, Nicole, agree to disagree.
Who were you talking to? Your best friend Ms.
Doris? Or should we say, "Best Friends 4 Eva"? Oh, my God.
Where'd you guys find this? On her desk, in a folder marked "memories.
" Aww.
Ms.
Doris is the best.
No, she's not.
She's a cold walnut we can't crack.
How are you a teacher's pet? And that teacher of all teachers? I'm not a teacher's pet.
We just got along.
What's your secret? There's no secret.
I was just being myself.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Shaaaq! MS.
DORIS: Dennis Scooott! Ms.
D? You're into the Orlando Magic? Season ticket holder.
Going tonight.
Penny Hardaway is gonna dominate that nerd Grant Hill.
We need to hang out more.
So we did.
And then it was picture day, and we thought it would be funny to take one together.
And it was.
That's how you got her to like you? By playing trash basketball? You didn't make an extra-credit diorama or come to class early to make sure her chair was ergonomically set? When? When did you do that?! Dude, stop trying to kiss up to Ms.
Doris.
That's not gonna work on her.
If you had seen "Spice World," you'd realize that life is about trying to find a way to make genuine connections with people.
Hang on.
Let me write this down.
[GASPS.]
Aah! My Keroppi! This is what I'm talking about.
Don't write anything down.
Just be regular.
[SIGHS.]
- Do you think he - Shh! I'm committing his instructions to memory.
Spice Girls, genuine connection, be regular.
SG, GC, BR.
Got it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Richard Ramirez, Night Stalker! [ELECTRICITY BUZZING.]
[GROANING.]
[SIREN CHIRPS.]
You tried to kidnap me? I was going to take you on a romantic picnic.
Until you shocked me with the stun gun I bought you.
That's how you wanted to take me on a picnic? By sneaking up behind me in a parking lot? You're lucky I didn't have my gun gun.
You own a real gun? Ach, quit trying to turn this on me.
What is going on with you, Louis? I'm trying to get us through our 15-Year Itch! 15-Year Itch? What is this made-up thing? What white friend told you this? Marvin.
And he's right.
We're drifting apart.
Drifting apart? I've just been busy.
Too busy for your husband, you mean.
Not too busy to take notes from Terry and work on your book and not properly store your new fly swatter.
Don't you care about our marriage? Of course I do.
Well, then why am I the only one who's trying? You know what your problem is, Louis? You think you're easy-going.
And you are.
Until you decide you aren't.
And when that happens, you expect me to drop what I'm doing and be there for you.
But this one time, I have something that is just mine, something that's really important to me outside of you and the kids, suddenly we're "drifting apart"? All right, I got her on "assault with a deadly weapon" and you on "false imprisonment.
" Those charges offset.
So how about we say "marital misunderstanding" and "attempted picnic" and call it a day? Thanks for the ride home.
I'll bet this is the first time you've ever seen a husband get tased by his wife.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, that's funny.
That's a good one.
Did you hear what Jessica said back there? We all heard what Jessica said.
Her voice carries.
I don't expect her to drop what she's doing.
And I am easy-going.
I don't ask for much.
That's what most husbands think.
'Cause they're used to being the focal point.
Whose side are you on? You know what? Just let me out.
I think you'll find you can't open the doors.
I'm just saying.
Sometimes we expect things to be a certain way because that's how they've always been.
Hmm.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
'Sup? My favorite class is recess.
- Hey, great job at being regular.
- You too.
It was silly of us to compete for Ms.
Doris' attention.
Let's never let a teacher come between us again.
What is that? I'm weak! - Give me that jersey! - Aah! Hey, hey! No fighting in my classroom! You know what? That's it! This is going on our permanent record.
Goodbye, Yale.
Hello, Georgia Tech.
Hey! No talking in detention.
Oh, thanks.
I didn't wanna bend down.
No problem.
Do you need anything else? Yeah.
There's, uh there's lots of penises drawn on the back board.
You can try to erase those.
Of course! If you've got any spray, I can also hit the faint outlines of the shadow ones.
You can try, but I don't think that spray works.
I've been using it forever, and they just don't go away.
That's because you need to use a microfiber towel.
But I don't have a micro You You boys are great.
Are you sure you belong here? We don't.
But maybe we do.
We weren't the problem.
It was Ms.
Doris.
She's the one who messed up.
Can I help empty the trash can? - Nice try, Stripes.
- My name's Jordan.
Stop trying to humanize yourself, okay, Stripes? Hey.
Stay away, Louis.
I'm going to the book reading.
I know.
I was hoping I could give you a ride.
- No.
- I thought you might say that, so I hid your tire.
Where's my tire?! You don't want to keep Terry waiting.
[SIGHS.]
Just so you know, I brought both.
Where are you going? B.
Dalton Bookseller is the other way.
I wanted to make a pit stop.
At a car wash? I thought the car was looking a little dirty.
I miss washing the car with you because it was something we did together back when we had more time for each other.
But I was only looking at it from my side.
I understand you have your book now and you're busy, and I'm all for that.
So to show my support, I got you a package of gift certificates for 10 automatic car washes.
That's very thoughtful, but it is too extravagant.
It was free with our grocery rewards points.
Oh, Louis.
That's so sweet.
You will always be a priority for me.
I miss spending time with you, too.
And I'm sorry I put electricity through your body.
Oh, it's okay.
It was only a second-degree burn.
It'll heal.
Not as fast as skin that hasn't been burned, but still, it'll heal.
[SIGHS.]
All this exciting stuff is happening with your book, and your life is expanding.
I guess, deep down, I was scared that you're gonna leave me behind, - like Chrissie Shrimpton.
- Who's that? Mick Jagger's girlfriend before he became a huge star.
I'll never leave you behind.
I am a beautiful Mylar balloon, and you're the lug nut that keeps me grounded.
If anything, you're my Dorothea Hurley.
- Who's that? - Bon Jovi's wife.
He married his high-school sweetheart, and they're still together.
And Bon Jovi could have anybody.
And there was this one stubborn shadow-P we couldn't get, so we turned it into a dog profile.
Mr.
Carlson was so thrilled, he ripped up the detention slips and let us go.
Yale is still in play.
Mr.
Carlson from detention? He hated my guts.
Well, he loved us.
Gave us a couple Zippos from the lost and found.
Mine has a shamrock on it.
Anyway, we just wanted to say thank you.
- For what? - You told us to be regular.
This is our regular.
Ms.
Doris may not like us, but as long as 99% of authority figures do, that's still an A-plus.
Not everyone has to like everyone.
Word.
Did you guys know Mom has a gun? It's hard to believe the Michelin Man is made up of a bunch of these.
Huh.
I never really thought about that, but yeah.
Why is he white, though? Shouldn't he be black? Let's not get into that whole thing.
We're having a nice time.
What's the rush? Don't you have work to do? Oh, it can wait.
[CHUCKLES.]
[ELECTRICITY ZAPPING.]
[TONE PLAYS.]
Oh, I got a queen! - [LAUGHS.]
- Ah.
Aww.
Those two kids are gonna make it after all.
[LAUGHS.]
Keeps the man buns tight.
[STRAINING.]
Four and five.
What are you up to? Nicole and I are gonna go see "Spice World.
" I didn't know you liked the Spice Girls.
I don't, but Nicole is obsessed with Scary.
Guess she likes them crazy.
Plus, one reviewer said it was "4 stars shy of a 4-star movie.
" It's gonna be so bad it's good.
[FALTERING BRITISH ACCENT.]
Like my British accent.
I'll give you guys a ride to the movie if you promise to never do that again.
[SCOFFS.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Nicole's gonna drive.
Besides, your car is mad filthy.
I can't be seen riding that kind of dirty.
What are you talking about? My car isn't dirty.
See? Clean.
That's the side of the car that gets hit by the sprinklers.
Oh.
What happened? You and Mom used to wash the car together every Sunday.
Yeah, I guess it's been a while.
Huh.
No wonder the grass is dying.
S04E13 The Car Wash Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat Isn't this fun, washing the car together? I can't believe it's been so long.
[FLIES BUZZING.]
Where are all these flies coming from? Is Marvin tanning a deer? [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, Jessica.
Oh! [SNICKERS.]
What are you doing? Oh, come on.
We love this.
It's cheaper, faster, and better than going to a car wash.
And it's a free upper-body workout.
I know.
Mommy, your book editor is on the phone.
Uch.
Terry.
He's in town and wants to meet about the manuscript.
I sent him a new draft, and he still has notes.
I also had some thoughts on your last draft if you're open I'm not.
[SIGHS.]
Sure, don't mind what ol' Evan has to say.
I'm only reading at a 9th-grade level.
MARVIN: Hey, it's been a while since you two washed the car.
Hey.
Marvin.
How long have you been sitting there? Three hours.
Oh.
Yeah, Jessica and I used to wash the car every weekend, but she's been busy lately.
I guess we'll get to it when she has the time.
Or maybe you'll never get to it.
What? I'm just sayin'.
You gotta stay on top of these things, Lou.
You don't want to lose that connection.
You think that's what's happening? Could be.
I mean, I don't know.
I'm just one man, reading Parade in the sun.
I don't want to lose our connection.
Well, then remind her how much she means to you.
Get her a nice gift.
That's what I always do.
[CHUCKLES.]
Aah! Marvin, call the store! The diamonds got corroded! [LAUGHS.]
It's not corroded.
It's chocolate.
She never wore them.
I asked her why once, and she said, "Oh, I wear them!" But she doesn't.
It's been a while since I surprised Jessica with something nice.
The last thing I got her was a Taser when she complained about the crowd outside Jack in the Box.
Yeah, ever since they introduced that Extreme Sausage Sandwich.
[SIGHS.]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
When the boy visits Santiago's shed each night, why does he reference his favorite baseball player, Joe DiMaggio? [SIGHS.]
Yes, Emery.
DiMaggio's father was also a poor fisherman, like Santiago.
That's right.
Santiago hoped the boy would rise above his circumstance I said that's right.
Sorry to interrupt, Ms.
Doris, but I have some V.
P.
C.
here.
Very Precious Cargo.
Oh.
As you know, Lincoln Middle School received its first grade-skipper this year, and now he's skipping his way into 7th-grade English.
There are no seats in the front row.
Hey, Stripes.
To the back.
This is so exciting.
We have a class together.
We're discussing "The Old Man and the Sea.
" Taking on classic literature, family style.
I like it.
Okay, can anyone tell me what the Old Man's struggle with the marlin represents? Ooh.
Oh, oh! I know, I know! Where am I supposed to sit? There's no empty desks back here.
Hell, knock off early.
You earned it.
Jessica, I have a surprise for Hi, Louis! This is my editor, Terry.
He arrived via Amtrak.
Unfortunately, I'm on a no-fly list.
I don't want to get into it.
Tell Louis the story about Tom Clancy.
Rumor is, Clancy's a vegetarian.
Crazy.
No meat.
Uh, yeah, impressive.
Uh, Jessica, can I talk to you? Okay, so here's the plan: We go back out there, I'll say my kidney is hurting, and I need a ride to dialysis.
Louis, it's okay.
I'm not looking for an escape.
Terry's actually pretty interesting.
But I thought you said he was annoying, always giving you notes.
Yeah, that is annoying, but Terry was telling me he's edited a lot of successful authors.
You know who else hates Terry's notes, but takes them? Koontz I thought you were gonna say more people.
Well, who else do I need to say? It's Koontz.
Terry invited me to his client's book reading later this week.
He says if I really nail these revisions, I could be traveling through Florida on my own book tour.
If all goes well, maybe we even hit the Rust Belt.
Uh, uh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I got you something.
Oh, what's this? A fly swatter? Mm-hmm.
It's electric.
Because earlier they were bothering you.
The Electro-Sizzle has a 3,000-volt grid.
- It burns bugs' bodies on contact - Mm-hmm.
And makes a victory sound every time you kill a queen.
Great.
I'll play with it later.
But But you got to properly store it in its sheathe! What are you doing? Making a diorama of "The Old Man and the Sea.
" This is the scene where Santiago uses a harpoon to fend off sharks.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
Ms.
Doris didn't assign us a diorama.
I know.
Okay, Evan, you're new to the class, so let me explain something to you: I'm this close to being Ms.
Doris' favorite.
Really? It doesn't seem like she likes you.
She told you to put your head down for the last ten minutes of class.
She knows I get overexcited.
I'll admit, she's been a tough nut to crack.
But I've almost got that walnut shelled.
Let me explain something to you.
I've been the favorite of every teacher I've ever had.
Much like Old Man Santiago, I refuse to be defeated.
You're out of your league, little man! Turn around and get outta here! Whoa, I hear conflict.
Are you guys fighting over a girl? No, a woman.
Oh! It's our teacher.
Oh.
I don't care enough about this to watch it conclude.
I'm gonna go see "Spice World" again.
Turns out it was really good.
I'm gonna stay for the end credits and everything.
Everybody who worked on that movie deserves my respect.
All right.
Hey, Marvin.
Sorry to bother you at work.
No, no.
It's totally fine.
You got me between patients.
Bye-bye, Mr.
Jensen.
[LAUGHS.]
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Man.
He always comes in just after he's eaten salami.
I took your advice, and it didn't work.
I bought Jessica a fly swatter, and she totally didn't care.
The Electro-Sizzle.
It's awesome.
You don't have to tell me.
I love mine.
I took down a whole family of moths with it after they destroyed my peacoat.
I left one alive to deliver the message.
Jessica normally loves practical gifts, but I think she was distracted by Terry.
- Who's Terry? - Her book editor.
Wait, is this a male Terry or a female Terry? Male Terry.
Those are the worst kind of Terrys.
So, she's too busy to wash the car, she's not interested in bug-zapping technology, and now this male Terry comes rolling in on the D train? Oh, this is more serious than just loss of connection.
This is a classic 7-Year Itch.
No, it's not.
Jessica and I have been married for 15 years.
Oh, then it's gonna hit you slightly harder than double.
Every marriage goes through this slump.
Mine certainly did.
How did you get through it? I got Honey! No way.
My marriage is not going to fall apart.
Yeah, that's what everybody thinks.
Then time marches on, and you drift a little bit apart.
Before you know it, you end up like Chrissie Shrimpton.
Who's that? Mick Jagger's first girlfriend.
She supported Mick in the early days.
Once The Stones got rolling, he rolled away from her and into the arms of Bianca.
I don't want to be Chrissie Shrimpton.
Nobody does.
Not even Chrissie Shrimpton.
Well, what do I need to do? Up your game.
You remind Jessica of the Louis that she fell in love with.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Bye, Ms.
Doris.
Hope you have a good night.
And I hope you have a wonderful night.
[SIGHS.]
Come on.
What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm gonna clean Ms.
Doris' whiteboards.
I was gonna rake her desktop Zen garden.
Uhh! Must erase board.
Get back here! [BOTH GRUNTING.]
Let go! [CRASH.]
[GRUNTS.]
Must rake sand.
Aah! - Stop.
- You stop! Hey.
Wait a minute.
What's this? It's a photo of Eddie and Ms.
Doris? How come you can see her teeth? I think she's smiling.
[CHRIS DE BURGH'S "LADY IN RED" PLAYS.]
Ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh-ooh I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight What are you doing? I've never seen you shine so bright You got flowers on my keyboard.
You won't need your keyboard in the bedroom.
I've been doing leg lifts.
[SIGHS.]
Now is not a good time.
I'm in the middle of something.
Oh, come on.
The boys are all out, and Mom's got her headphones on, watching "NYPD Be.
" The whole house is ours! I'm working on my book revisions.
Or the highlights in your hair that catch your eyes Want me to tickle your head? What? Oh, what's another word for "hemorrhage"? - Bleed out.
- The lady in red Is dancing with me I even offered to tickle her head.
Who offers to tickle someone's head? I meant "neck," but in the moment, I said "head.
" Oh, this is worse than I thought.
She's so focused on her book she doesn't even see me.
Well, then you got to get her away from that.
Get her out of the house.
Take her somewhere special.
Like a romantic picnic by the water.
Ho-ho! A checkered blanket for two.
Oh, but Terry's in town, she's on a deadline It's not a good time.
It's never gonna be a good time.
Forget all the reasons for not doing it and just sweep her off her feet.
Oh, a little tip No matter how well you think things are going, do not attempt to fly a kite.
No, I'm pretty sure it's Porsche Spice.
Like, what is Posh? All right, Nicole, agree to disagree.
Who were you talking to? Your best friend Ms.
Doris? Or should we say, "Best Friends 4 Eva"? Oh, my God.
Where'd you guys find this? On her desk, in a folder marked "memories.
" Aww.
Ms.
Doris is the best.
No, she's not.
She's a cold walnut we can't crack.
How are you a teacher's pet? And that teacher of all teachers? I'm not a teacher's pet.
We just got along.
What's your secret? There's no secret.
I was just being myself.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Shaaaq! MS.
DORIS: Dennis Scooott! Ms.
D? You're into the Orlando Magic? Season ticket holder.
Going tonight.
Penny Hardaway is gonna dominate that nerd Grant Hill.
We need to hang out more.
So we did.
And then it was picture day, and we thought it would be funny to take one together.
And it was.
That's how you got her to like you? By playing trash basketball? You didn't make an extra-credit diorama or come to class early to make sure her chair was ergonomically set? When? When did you do that?! Dude, stop trying to kiss up to Ms.
Doris.
That's not gonna work on her.
If you had seen "Spice World," you'd realize that life is about trying to find a way to make genuine connections with people.
Hang on.
Let me write this down.
[GASPS.]
Aah! My Keroppi! This is what I'm talking about.
Don't write anything down.
Just be regular.
[SIGHS.]
- Do you think he - Shh! I'm committing his instructions to memory.
Spice Girls, genuine connection, be regular.
SG, GC, BR.
Got it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Richard Ramirez, Night Stalker! [ELECTRICITY BUZZING.]
[GROANING.]
[SIREN CHIRPS.]
You tried to kidnap me? I was going to take you on a romantic picnic.
Until you shocked me with the stun gun I bought you.
That's how you wanted to take me on a picnic? By sneaking up behind me in a parking lot? You're lucky I didn't have my gun gun.
You own a real gun? Ach, quit trying to turn this on me.
What is going on with you, Louis? I'm trying to get us through our 15-Year Itch! 15-Year Itch? What is this made-up thing? What white friend told you this? Marvin.
And he's right.
We're drifting apart.
Drifting apart? I've just been busy.
Too busy for your husband, you mean.
Not too busy to take notes from Terry and work on your book and not properly store your new fly swatter.
Don't you care about our marriage? Of course I do.
Well, then why am I the only one who's trying? You know what your problem is, Louis? You think you're easy-going.
And you are.
Until you decide you aren't.
And when that happens, you expect me to drop what I'm doing and be there for you.
But this one time, I have something that is just mine, something that's really important to me outside of you and the kids, suddenly we're "drifting apart"? All right, I got her on "assault with a deadly weapon" and you on "false imprisonment.
" Those charges offset.
So how about we say "marital misunderstanding" and "attempted picnic" and call it a day? Thanks for the ride home.
I'll bet this is the first time you've ever seen a husband get tased by his wife.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, that's funny.
That's a good one.
Did you hear what Jessica said back there? We all heard what Jessica said.
Her voice carries.
I don't expect her to drop what she's doing.
And I am easy-going.
I don't ask for much.
That's what most husbands think.
'Cause they're used to being the focal point.
Whose side are you on? You know what? Just let me out.
I think you'll find you can't open the doors.
I'm just saying.
Sometimes we expect things to be a certain way because that's how they've always been.
Hmm.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
'Sup? My favorite class is recess.
- Hey, great job at being regular.
- You too.
It was silly of us to compete for Ms.
Doris' attention.
Let's never let a teacher come between us again.
What is that? I'm weak! - Give me that jersey! - Aah! Hey, hey! No fighting in my classroom! You know what? That's it! This is going on our permanent record.
Goodbye, Yale.
Hello, Georgia Tech.
Hey! No talking in detention.
Oh, thanks.
I didn't wanna bend down.
No problem.
Do you need anything else? Yeah.
There's, uh there's lots of penises drawn on the back board.
You can try to erase those.
Of course! If you've got any spray, I can also hit the faint outlines of the shadow ones.
You can try, but I don't think that spray works.
I've been using it forever, and they just don't go away.
That's because you need to use a microfiber towel.
But I don't have a micro You You boys are great.
Are you sure you belong here? We don't.
But maybe we do.
We weren't the problem.
It was Ms.
Doris.
She's the one who messed up.
Can I help empty the trash can? - Nice try, Stripes.
- My name's Jordan.
Stop trying to humanize yourself, okay, Stripes? Hey.
Stay away, Louis.
I'm going to the book reading.
I know.
I was hoping I could give you a ride.
- No.
- I thought you might say that, so I hid your tire.
Where's my tire?! You don't want to keep Terry waiting.
[SIGHS.]
Just so you know, I brought both.
Where are you going? B.
Dalton Bookseller is the other way.
I wanted to make a pit stop.
At a car wash? I thought the car was looking a little dirty.
I miss washing the car with you because it was something we did together back when we had more time for each other.
But I was only looking at it from my side.
I understand you have your book now and you're busy, and I'm all for that.
So to show my support, I got you a package of gift certificates for 10 automatic car washes.
That's very thoughtful, but it is too extravagant.
It was free with our grocery rewards points.
Oh, Louis.
That's so sweet.
You will always be a priority for me.
I miss spending time with you, too.
And I'm sorry I put electricity through your body.
Oh, it's okay.
It was only a second-degree burn.
It'll heal.
Not as fast as skin that hasn't been burned, but still, it'll heal.
[SIGHS.]
All this exciting stuff is happening with your book, and your life is expanding.
I guess, deep down, I was scared that you're gonna leave me behind, - like Chrissie Shrimpton.
- Who's that? Mick Jagger's girlfriend before he became a huge star.
I'll never leave you behind.
I am a beautiful Mylar balloon, and you're the lug nut that keeps me grounded.
If anything, you're my Dorothea Hurley.
- Who's that? - Bon Jovi's wife.
He married his high-school sweetheart, and they're still together.
And Bon Jovi could have anybody.
And there was this one stubborn shadow-P we couldn't get, so we turned it into a dog profile.
Mr.
Carlson was so thrilled, he ripped up the detention slips and let us go.
Yale is still in play.
Mr.
Carlson from detention? He hated my guts.
Well, he loved us.
Gave us a couple Zippos from the lost and found.
Mine has a shamrock on it.
Anyway, we just wanted to say thank you.
- For what? - You told us to be regular.
This is our regular.
Ms.
Doris may not like us, but as long as 99% of authority figures do, that's still an A-plus.
Not everyone has to like everyone.
Word.
Did you guys know Mom has a gun? It's hard to believe the Michelin Man is made up of a bunch of these.
Huh.
I never really thought about that, but yeah.
Why is he white, though? Shouldn't he be black? Let's not get into that whole thing.
We're having a nice time.
What's the rush? Don't you have work to do? Oh, it can wait.
[CHUCKLES.]
[ELECTRICITY ZAPPING.]
[TONE PLAYS.]
Oh, I got a queen! - [LAUGHS.]
- Ah.
Aww.
Those two kids are gonna make it after all.
[LAUGHS.]