Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s06e08 Episode Script

TMI: Too Much Integrity

1 I'm just I'm so excited to tell you guys Louis, when's it your turn to speak? I'm on a tight schedule, and I can't waste time listening to these HOA ladies squawk about "community spirit.
" Soon.
And while summering in Tuscany You were there for four days.
In May.
[Clicks tongue.]
I noticed the locals sitting in the piazza all day long, which inspired the theme for our new median.
Say buon giorno to Piazza del Eastview.
[People gasping, "ooh" ing.]
And it's more than just a traffic diversion.
It is neutral territory for community bonding.
" I mean, we're gonna have a ribbon-cutting ceremony - next week and - Okay, we get it, lady.
Let's move on.
[Pounding gavel.]
Okay, next item on the agenda, I believe we have a Louis Huang? [Exhales deeply.]
Thanks, son.
Uh, hey everyone.
Many of you know me as the peppy owner of, uh, Cattleman's Ranch, the award-winning steakhouse located right off I-4, uh, now offering a chopped Cobb.
[People "ooh" ing.]
[Clears throat.]
Um, but today, I'd like to reintroduce myself as Louis Huang, business consultant and founder of Lou For You Consulting.
- Ugh.
- Enh.
Uh, still finding the name.
[Chuckles, clears throat.]
Uh, after weeks of soul searching, I found my purpose Helping others realize their small-business dreams.
And I'm relying on referrals from people like you Well, what kind of profit margins are we talking about here? Um, I'm just starting, so it must be somewhere around zero.
- [Scoffs.]
- Oof.
What have you done to promote your business? Uh, well, there's this.
Uh, and an e-commerce conference coming up.
Oh! My mother's Mahjong tournament.
Different ballrooms, same Radisson.
I am so excited for this new chapter of your life, Louis.
What are your Q3 profit projections? You tied up in assets, or are you free to move? How robust is your client portfolio? Uh Um, w Uh S I-I-I-I don't know yet, but, um Well, if you don't have any clients, you're not a real business, Louis.
Get out of here.
Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat Honey, I know it's hard to get out with two little ones, so I brought you something to nibble on Slab of ribs and our famous chopped Cobb.
Thanks, Louis.
I'm always happy to help.
It's kinda my thing.
Or it was before Deidre crushed my dreams.
Well, that's kinda Deidre's thing.
That and a Mariah-level cackle.
Well, she very publicly noted that my new consulting business has no clients and no money.
Technically, we're in the red since printing these business cards.
This a business card or an invitation to a really weird party? Yeah, I haven't landed on a company name.
According to Deidre, I haven't even landed on a company.
Tune her out.
She is just a bottle blonde with low bone density.
- That's easier said than done.
- Not really.
I use the same technique for my girls.
When I need a break and they refuse to nap, I just shut off the baby monitor for a few minutes.
Oh, God.
- TMI.
- [Chuckles.]
No, Jessica and I did the same thing with the boys.
Only we didn't have a baby monitor.
[Babies crying.]
[Audience laughter.]
[TV volume increases.]
That's how we got hooked on "Mork & Mindy.
" More like "Mindy & Mork," if you ask me.
Oh, it is so good to hear I'm not the only parent who struggles.
I swear, when it's not magical, it's a waking nightmare.
Oh, there's no middle ground.
It's either nirvana or a sledgehammer to the crotch.
I wish more parents would share this kind of thing.
Hey, you should start a web log on Live Diary.
I don't understand any of those words.
It's a new Internet platform I heard about at that conference.
People write posts to share their thoughts anonymously.
What I'm hearing is I can do it while wearing pajamas? That sounds great.
Ooh, I could call it "TMI: True Mommy Insights.
" That's perfect.
I can help.
[Both chuckle.]
And now that we're throwing around names, what do you think about Louniversal Consulting? I'll leave that to Lou.
I don't get it.
I like hard tacos, but I can fit more soft tacos in my purse.
EDDIE: [Laughs.]
What are you guys laughing at? Is Marvin at it with that stray cat again? Don't plant berries if you don't want mischievous kitties.
It's opening day for Thanksgiving Turkeys at the grocery store.
It's already Turkey Tango Time? The holiday season begins when folks come together and fight to the death over big, frozen birds.
It was one of the best years yet.
Tie-Dye Tim brought a lasso.
A lasso! - I can't believe this.
- GRANDMA: Me, neither.
Tie-Dye Tim told me he wasn't into rope stuff.
The boys and I have never missed a Turkey Tango.
30 people, 15 turkeys.
Something's gotta give.
[Indistinct shouting.]
Ohh, Carol-Joan and Deidre both have their claws in a 20-pounder.
C-J, use the other hand to slap.
[Loud slap.]
It is one of my favorite shopping fights of the year.
It's like Thunderdome without the dome.
And with an aisle.
[Exhales sharply.]
Why wouldn't they invite me? They are at that age where you are not interesting to them anymore.
I am also at that age.
No, that's not it.
I've just been so busy lately with studying and job applications.
They need a reminder that I can be the life of the party.
I don't think you know what a party is.
"At the end of the day, children are like silverware.
You don't have to clean them that well Just get the food off.
" [Laughs.]
Amazing first post.
And sticking your head in the freezer to muffle your screams is a great tip.
Because sound doesn't travel through cold air.
Publish it.
[Mouse clicks.]
[Squeals, giggles.]
And we can track how many people are reading with the view counter.
One view.
Our first view! Refresh the page.
- Uh - Two views.
Click again.
Three! You're famous! Oh! [Laughs.]
Wait a second.
Wait, I think we're ticking up the view counter.
[Mouse clicking.]
- Four, five, six.
- Oh.
Maybe we should just log off for a while.
In the meantime, can I run some new company names by you? Or maybe we c Here we go.
Sure, it's long, but there's something about C.
Louis and the Chronicles of Consulting that feels right.
I think we've waited long enough.
[Mouse clicks.]
Oh, my God, Louis.
100 views?! Triple didgies! Honey, you maternal genius! This is great! Oh, I'm so glad you encouraged me to do this.
Me too.
See, this is why I started Stand and DeLOUver Consulting.
Who knew so many people out there would care about my parenting problems? Yeah.
It's an untapped market.
There were ones you chose not to say? I mean, at least Lou Cheese Dressing is a pun.
So, that one? You fools lace them up? That's what they want you to do.
JESSICA: Okay! Who's ready for some fun? - What's happening? - Oh, no.
The gas leak's back again.
I know I've been busy lately, so I thought I'd set aside one hour of concentrated fun time for us to spend together.
Say hello to the Family Fun Activity Wheel! Hello, Wheel! See? Fun.
Is that just a chore wheel but with "dusting" crossed out and "roast Grandma" written in? Oh, we were gonna go to the ribbon cutting ceremony for the piazza.
Apparently, "piazza" is not "pizza" in Italian, so I still have to learn how to say "pizza" in Italian.
Carol-Joan's diving into the Italian theme.
Marvin's gonna teach everyone bocce.
Play on the dirt hill later.
But the ribbon will be cut.
Let's have some quality time together.
Have some fun.
Spin the wheel.
Sorry, Ma.
Maybe next time.
I hear there's a moozarelle tasting.
[Italian accent.]
Mozzarelle! [Door opens.]
[Door closes.]
"Spin again"? Why is that on there? So, uh, tech support, how do I know which pop-ups are viruses and which ones really are $100? [Knock on door.]
Louis! I have good news! What's all this?! "TMI" just hit 1,000 views.
Quaddie didgies?! [Laughs.]
We're in the big leagues, baby! [Laughs.]
Honey, that's incredible! Perfect time for me to tell you about my news.
I incorporated "TMI" as a business.
You did? And I'm taking you on as my very first client.
Oh, I don't think you have to Uh, bup, bup, bup, bup.
I know what you're thinking, and I refuse to charge you a single cent.
We're both real businesses now! - We are? - [Chuckles.]
We're on the clock.
[Bottle thuds.]
Okay, so, first order of business Uh, marketing.
Maybe we should order dinner.
It's 3:00 in the afternoon.
You didn't hire me to think in the present.
You hired me to think ahead.
You turned my blog into a business? But I'm just doing "TMI" for fun.
Well, what's more fun than a tax-sheltered, limited liability S-corp? As a business, we can reach more parents.
Wow, you did a lot of unsolicited work.
The hard part was sneaking into Evan's room and stealing his graph paper.
He's a light sleeper.
Anyway, I booked your very first major promotional opportunity.
"Good Morning Orlando.
" What? But I'm not TV-ready.
I forgot what real pants even feel like, and I lost a Ricola in my hair a week ago.
I saw it fall out yesterday.
Okay, but, I mean, online, I'm anonymous.
Exposing myself in real life is scary.
More risk, more reward.
Starting my own business was terrifying, too, but I'm finally feeling good about it, especially now that I have my very first client.
Okay, there's no harm in trying.
[Both chuckle.]
Uh, there is with crystal meth.
Boys! A grocery store in Sanford just got their turkeys, so I thought we'd all go down and Why are you all dressed like European hobos? We're headed out to the piazza.
We all caught the bocce bug.
And I caught the toga bug.
I'm one safety pin away from nudity, and I love the thrill.
That fake park thing is still going on? How is that more fun than spending time with your mother? [Playing Italian music.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
Carol-Joan's scooping gelato! Prego, boys! No, wait.
You can't go.
- Why? - Because it's racist.
Against Italians? I guess it's a little on the nose.
No, against us.
An Asian family moves onto the block, and suddenly, we need a median to solve our "driving issues"? Wake up.
Suddenly? We moved here six years ago.
And to be fair, we've had our share of driving incidents.
[Tires screech.]
[Horn honking, tires squealing.]
Feels like a reach.
You dilute the movement with stuff like that, Ma.
[Mandolin playing.]
Oh, my God.
Meatball's playing "Ave Maria.
" That's my jam.
Ciao bella, mamma mia.
Now that's racist.
[Door opens, closes.]
If you want to spend time with them, then just go out there.
But I want quality time with the boys, not watch Carol-Joan eat gelato and say, "It's not as good as it was on holiday.
" She was hammered the whole time.
Of course it was good.
You're trying too hard.
No wonder they prefer the median.
It smells like grass, not desperation.
You're right.
I must destroy the median.
You always take the wrong lesson.
Good morning, Orlando.
Gus and Mey-Mey back at ya.
Two seconds in, you're off-script.
This morning, we have Honey Ellis, the voice of popular parenting Internet blog, "TMI!" As a mother myself, I love it.
- Really?! - Oof.
Oh, that's wonderful to hear.
I thought I was the only one who ignored my kids.
Sometimes, I go days pretending I can't hear him.
Days? You have a kid? So, Honey, now, what would you say is the secret behind "TMI's" success? Well, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for my friend and business consultant, Louis Huang.
He's backstage right now.
Oh, he's right over there.
Oh, he's coming over.
Oh, he mic'd himself.
Uh, hi.
Thank you for having me on.
You know, I've been a business consultant for Honey, who has an original voice.
GUS: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's that's That's great.
Now, uh, uh, uh, Mey-Mey.
Uh, how old is this kid that I've never heard of? [Chuckles.]
Uh, 12.
Now, Honey, back to your blog.
No, back to the kid.
You and I took a cruise 12 years and 9 months ago, and then when we got back, you swore off sushi and took a sabbatical.
We're talking about a blog.
No, we're talking about my son! [Nervous laughter.]
We need to go to break.
Yes, we do need to go to break, but let's go to break because I'd like to know - what is his name? - [Laughs.]
I-I-I-Is he Hold this, and flash 'em the goods.
[Indistinct arguing.]
Your teeth.
[Arguing continues.]
According to maritime law, that baby belongs to no one.
Hey, can you pipe down? I'm working on an op-ed for the newspaper.
How's this for a finish? "In summary, leave bocce to the Mafia.
Take down that median.
" You are a fool to invoke the mob.
WOMAN: Oh, no.
MAN: My parakeet said Can't you watch that in your room? I was here first.
I'm not moving.
Looks like you're stuck with me.
Get there first! Jenny, you're one for 1,000 on good ideas.
What about the time I attached the vacuum to my wheelchair? Two for 1,000.
[Mouse clicking.]
All done with today's blog post.
"The 55-Second Rule: Why Floor Food is Better for Everyone.
" Unless it's pudding.
So hard to pick up.
Wow, you're really churning these posts out.
I have been so inspired to write since our readership tripled.
I'm so glad you convinced me to go on TV.
I'm just doing my job.
Speaking of, maybe we put a pin in that post and instead do a baby food review.
It'll be easy.
You just have to include these promotional bullet points.
A baby food review? [Chuckling.]
They want me to say "scrumdeeleeumpcious?" I would rather scrumdeelee-stick my head in the oven.
An oven full of cash.
Come on.
The advertising opportunities have been pouring in since your TV segment.
Don't you want to make money? Like a real business? Thanks, but I just want to write what I want to write.
Hate to be that guy, but Americans don't know how to make coffee.
What coffee did you go with, Eddie? It's an Eddie-chino Melted Rocky Road with a bean at the bottom.
- Hmm.
- Ma? What are you doing here? I'm getting my work done outdoors.
You know how I love the sun.
Can you do that somewhere else? We're about to play bocce.
I was here first, and I'm not moving.
Got the bean.
[Object thuds.]
[Knock on door.]
"Dear TMI Honey.
Thanks for the review.
We think you're scrumdeeleeumpcious, too.
" [Toy rattles, thuds.]
So, a box popped up offering me a free trip to Cozumel.
I clicked on it, and then four more boxes popped up, so I clicked on those.
Now I have no tickets, and my computer's frozen.
You published that baby food review behind my back! What about my post? You're welcome, Honey.
For what? For making your business a success.
That's why you hired me, right? I never hired you.
You hired you.
But now I'm firing you.
WOMAN: Ohh, so sorry.
Did you mean to put me on speakerphone? I wasn't sure.
You're firing me as your business consultant? - Why? - Because you knew I didn't want to post that baby food review, and you did it anyway.
Well, I saw you were nervous about increasing "TMI's" market share, so I pulled the trigger on that post Just like you were nervous about being on TV, and that turned out great.
And Gus and Mey-Mey are co-parenting Little Monty.
But I didn't want any of this.
Well, don't you want this? Now you can take your mind off the diaper budget and focus on "TMI.
" Louis, this is my blog, not yours.
Well, I was only doing this to help you.
Well, I'm only doing this to help you.
You were so desperate for a client, I just went along with it.
Clearly that was a mistake.
Come on, Ma, a-scootchie over.
Jessica, stop hogging the piazza.
Yeah, we have bocce finals.
Finals! Well, I guess the, uh, bocce ball tournament has been postponed, folks, so all bets are off.
You can see Meatball here for a refund.
[Indistinct chatter.]
Excuse me.
I have to go.
I have to go.
Now that we have the place to ourselves, maybe we can have Family Fun Time out here! We were already having fun.
Until you showed up and ruined it.
[Italian accent.]
Not-a cool-a.
Hey, Jessica.
Brought you some baby food.
Thought you might be hungry but not want to chew.
This baby food really is scrumdeeleeumpcious.
[Exhales sharply.]
I don't get Honey.
I help her turn "TMI" into a real business, and then she fires me.
That's just Honey.
Some people are born for business, and other people were born with skin that smells like fruit.
It doesn't add up.
She was actually starting to make money.
I know what this is.
The problem with Honey is she has TMI Too Much Integrity.
She's never in it for the money.
Our boys also have a TMI problem [Sighs.]
Too Many Interests, - and none of them are me.
- Oh, what do you mean? All they want to do is play bocce on this dumb piazza instead of spending time with me.
But I've been so busy lately, I never get to see them.
If you want to spend time with them, do what interests them, even if it happens to be something you've taken an arbitrary stance against.
No one wants to eat a mashed-up Thanksgiving meal.
I do.
You know, when you think about it, bocce is just adult marbles.
I made you a lasagna to make up for ruining dumb bowling.
I'm not eating carbs this week.
It's still frozen.
Apparently it takes an hour to bake, and I didn't need that much time to reflect.
Between studying and the job hunt, I've missed you guys.
Us too.
It's just weird when you were jogging around, making us spin a wheel.
It's forced.
Like when MTV tried to make voting cool.
I know.
I just wanted you all to myself.
But as long as we're together, I am happy.
Even if Carol-Joan's hitting the old grapes.
You know, Mommy, you'd love bocce.
It means "boss" in Latin.
EDDIE: Yeah, it's perfect for you Precision, competition, violence.
You wanna come play with us? I do love violence.
[Door opens, closes.]
Hey, Honey.
I was, uh, wondering if I could use your computer.
And give it a virus? No, thanks.
I think I've had enough consulting.
I want to show you the latest "TMI" post.
[Keyboard clacking.]
You took down the review and posted my "55-Second Rule" piece instead? I was wrong to sell out your blog.
That's not you.
I know you just wanted to help.
I got so caught up trying to prove I could be successful, I forgot the job is supporting someone else and their dreams.
Thanks, Louis.
You are great at what you do.
I know you are gonna make a small-business owner so happy one day.
Well, you've gotta keep blogging.
It's so good, and you've got such a relatable voice.
Oh, yeah, I'm not stopping.
I've got so many ideas.
The other day, I wore a diaper, and it was magical.
Yeah, yeah! [Chuckles.]
Guess what? I finally thought of a good company name All About Lou Consulting.
Yeah, yeah! Or what about just Louis Huang Consulting? Wow.
Are you not entertained?! MARVIN: And that's game.
Jessica wins! You killed it, Ma! [Siren chirps.]
Clear out, people! This median was constructed without a permit.
Bulldozers are on their way.
What?! Who snitched? There was an anonymous op-ed in the newspaper.
I bet it was Carol-Joan.
[Crowd groans.]
No, it wasn't me.
Well, it was good while it lasted.
Arrivederci, bocce.
No way.
Let's continue this thing in our backyard.
Sorry, Huang family only.
Boys, grab the gelato cart.
Let's go.
Bring on the bulldozer.
[Radio crackles.]
Jim, bring in the bulls.