Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s06e14 Episode Script

Family Van

1 Magic Kingdom, Epcot, the Monorail where to start? I can't wait to feel Gaston's biceps.
I can't believe we've lived in Orlando for six years and never been to Disney.
Well, they should've allowed Orlando residents a discount before today.
This is the best day ever.
I'm gonna ride Space Mountain till I puke.
Eddie, hit us with some tunage to commemorate the happiest moment of our lives.
- On it.
- ALL: "Hakuna Matata!" What a wonderful phrase.
Hakuna Matata! Ain't no passing craze It means no worries for the rest of your days It's our problem-free philosophy Hakuna Matata [ENGINE CLUNKS, SPUTTERS.]
ALL: Nooooooo! [SIGHS.]
It's our fault.
We were too happy.
Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat That tow truck driver did not like you.
We could've had a nice, silent drive back, but no, you had to ask that guy how he got into towing.
I wanted to butter him up before asking if he ever towed a celebrity.
Oh, remind me, who did he tow? - Kathy Griffin.
Good news I finally found the wrench I needed to fix your van.
Oh, great! See, Louis, I told you it's not a big deal.
Ah, I should've told you the bad news first.
The wrench didn't do so much.
You need to take her to a mechanic.
This job is beyond my capability.
It took you six hours to determine it's beyond your capability? You had mice in your air filter.
I saw a live birth.
20 babies.
Fine, we'll have it towed to the mechanic tomorrow.
Eddie can use the Cattlecar to drive the boys around.
Man, I can't believe the van is so out of shape.
Maybe if you didn't constantly ride her brakes and just let the old gal dance Me?! You're the one who comes to a complete stop at every intersection.
Why don't you just roll through like a normal person? That's why I love the ocean.
No stop signs.
You try to put one up, it sinks right to the bottom.
Can't you just put it on a buoy? Oh, you have a three-mile-long anchor to keep that buoy in place, wise-ass? We have to clean out the van before the tow truck arrives.
They steal.
Oh, look, a receipt from that time we got Sheila washed professionally.
Oh, I saved that in case I wanted to return the car wash.
Remember? It was right after you tased me.
- Richard Ramirez, Night Stalker! - [ELECTRICITY BUZZING.]
What a memory.
It's trash.
That's fine.
I have another keepsake.
The taser threw off my heartbeat.
It skips a thump-thump every now and then.
Keep cleaning.
A fry.
- It's hard as a rock.
- Dibs.
Oh! My old earpiece! Wow.
I lost this on the trip down here from D.
LOUIS: I saw the sign And it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign - Life is dema - Ugh, Dad, turn off the music! Six years later, and we're still a bunch of dorks singing in a van.
Check it out.
My old swim trunks! Oh, from when we tried to take the van for a joyride.
Wait! We need our bathing suits for Wet 'n Wild! My swimmies! We did not make it far.
What's this map? Let me see that bad boy.
I drew this map after we buried that time capsule in D.
I wonder if it's still there.
A map? Possible treasure? It's like "The Goonies", but with three Asian boys! - Three inoffensive Asian boys.
- Hmm.
I can't even remember what we put in that time capsule.
I was 10.
But if I know young Eddie, that little scamp probably put a bag of farts in there.
How you got a 1500 on your SATs, I'll never know.
To be honest, I never thought you'd get into college.
Yeah, we just assumed you'd live at home forever.
Me too.
Turns out my brain had other plans.
It's gonna be weird when it's not the three of us anymore.
It just won't be the same.
Poor Sheila.
We bought this van on our wedding night.
I taught Eddie how to drive in it.
I remember things, too, Louis.
It's just we've been through so much with this van.
So many memories.
Here's a new memory I'm taking this car down to Kareem's.
You stay here.
They always talk you into buying unnecessary upgrades and nonsensical trinkets.
I'm sure I have no idea what you mean.
So I always know where to put my hands on the steering wheel.
Is that suit really necessary? Hey, I respect our piano teacher.
The first song he taught us was "Chopsticks".
Does that not bother you? Because it bothers me.
Well, I'm glad you guys have mixed feelings on this piano teacher because you're not going.
But we're finally gonna find out what that middle pedal does today! Well, this pedal hits the gas, and we're riding it all the way to D.
- What?! - What?! We're finally doing that Huang boys road trip.
And this time, there's no stopping us.
Oh, we're way below E.
Did you guys bring your wallet? Because typically, the driver doesn't pay for gas, - so - [SIGHS.]
Yeah This close call with Sheila's really got me thinking how much I take her for granted.
As soon as we get her back, I'm gonna change her oil every day.
You know who burns a lot of oil? Dale Earnhardt.
What a racist.
You mean, "racer"? Ma, you gotta go back to using Mandarin.
You're gonna get in trouble.
Hey! How's the van doing? Great.
I sold it.
You sold Sheila?! It needed too much work and the mechanic at Kareem's offered to buy it.
It was the pragmatic solution.
I can't believe you made such a big decision without consulting me! Says the guy who purchased multiple vehicles without me the Accord, the riding lawn mower, the 40-foot RV It was 35, but point taken.
And this is different.
She was practically a member of our family.
There are days I wish she lived in the garage instead of Grandma.
Every day I wish that.
But Louis, this is just a hunk of metal.
- Get over it.
Robo-Cop was just a hunk of metal, and he saved a town! I assume.
Never saw it.
Okay, the Cattlecar's got a full tank, and I got the next three meals taken care of bag o' hot dogs.
- I'm vegan.
I don't eat hot dogs.
- Me neither.
After I read "mechanically separated" on the label.
- It doesn't matter.
- We're not going on a road trip to D.
- Yes, you are! You guys need to learn to live a little.
I'm gonna be gone soon.
There's gonna be nobody around to teach you guys how to have fun.
Fun? You're about to drive us 1,200 miles with no plan, no luggage, and a bagful of gas station hot dogs.
And I don't even have my night guard.
Guys, we'll figure that out as we go.
That's the fun of it! Oh yeah, gonna be a real bounce house when Mom figures out we've been missing for two days.
I've already got that covered.
I told Mom we're having a sleepover at Walter's.
As long as we're back tomorrow by 8:00 p.
, we're good.
Okay, what're you hiding? Most Eddie adventures are all about Eddie.
Hence the name.
Never mind.
I'll trademark that later.
You guys are right.
I do want something I wanna find out what's inside that time capsule.
Don't you? - I'm a little intrigued.
- Yeah.
Baseball cards, stamps, comic books.
You guys were into a ton of nerd crap.
Hell of a sales pitch, Eddie.
Sorry, nerd stuff.
Point is, real people are into that junk now.
That's true.
There could be something in there worth money.
Yes! And depending on how deep we buried it, we could hit oil.
Okay, we're in.
Yeah You packed shovels, right? Sure.
- Ho, boss.
- Whoa.
What's with the heavy cattle hands here? - Things okay at home? - It's Jessica.
Divorce? You did it, Lou.
Well, the first time always feels the best.
Honestly, we all saw it coming.
Mi futon es su futon.
- Hector, it's happening! - What? No! Our van's dead.
Sheila?! She was family! How are you even at work right now? See? You get it.
That van's been a part of so many memories, and it's like Jessica doesn't even care.
We bought it on our wedding night.
Yeah, when I said goodbye to my Jag, I didn't leave my house for a month.
Couldn't even bear the sight of another car.
Still can't.
She always sweeps her emotions under the rug, and that isn't a healthy way to grieve.
Or clean.
Whoa, Trent with the quick wit.
Orange lightning.
I've been trying to pay better attention.
- Well, it's working.
- I don't know, Lou.
This doesn't make any sense to me.
Maybe the car doesn't mean that much to Jessica.
Of course it means something to her.
I have to help her learn to process her feelings, get her to admit she's sad about the van.
If she doesn't, I'm worried it'll explode out of her.
Like the alien in "Alien".
Oof, I do not see scary movies anymore ever since I did a pee-pee during "The Exorcist".
And the caravan is painted red and white What are you doing? Oh, listening to a little Van Morrison.
Reading about Martin Van Buren.
Eating some van-Illa ice cream.
Just another normal day in Louis-ville.
Louis, you're not a multitasker.
You're gonna give yourself a cold.
tells us of her ways [SIGHS.]
La, la, la-la Hey! We just passed the sign for the world's biggest peanut.
You guys always wanted to see that, right? BOTH: Peanut! Peanut! ALL: Peanut! Peanut! Peanut! Peanut! Turn up Your radio [METAL CLINKS.]
- And let me hear a song - Louis.
Why am I sleeping on an auto part? Oh, how'd that get there? Poor little guy.
Probably misses you and all the memories you had together.
- What is really wrong EDDIE: I know this is a controversial take, but I'm more of a moon guy.
If this is a set-up to you mooning us, - I'm not falling for it again.
You guys are getting smarter.
LOUIS: You know what we never do anymore? Walk down memory lane.
- You know - [FABRIC CREAKS.]
relive our wedding night, when we bought the van? It was magical.
Oh, Louis.
I've been thinking about the van, too.
You have? Yes.
We have to get rid of that poop-mobile.
La-la, la la [CHUCKLES.]
I think I might've put on your tuxedo by mistake, because this is tight.
Well, we made it to D.
With time to spare.
And that includes the three hours we wasted before we realized you were driving to Washington state.
Hey, I didn't hear many complaints when you were dipping your toes in the Chattahoochee.
Guys, don't hate me, but I've gotta quote Madonna here this used to be our playground.
- I'll allow it.
- [SIGHS.]
We used to love those swings.
Hey, and the metal slide.
- Eddie burned his butt on it that summer.
- Worth it.
I made 2 bucks off Grandma.
Okay, now let's bust out this map and get to digging.
Ugh, those hot dogs are starting to fight back.
- So, if "X" marks the spot, why are there so many on here? To throw people off the scent in case someone finds our map.
So, you have no idea which "X" is the right one.
This map is useless.
Hey! Don't be mad at 10-year-old Eddie.
That dude was the best.
Guys, it's not the end of the world.
So we have to dig a few more holes.
We'll do it together.
EDDIE: Try over there by the tree.
I have an idea why don't you help us find the time capsule? I can't.
I keep throwing up.
And half of me is shivering, and half of me is sweating.
I'm not a doctor, but I think I might've picked up a waterborne parasite in the Chattahooch'.
Or maybe it was one of the two dozen gas station hot dogs that you ate.
I hope not.
Last time I was taken down by a pack of gas dogs, I was out of commission for days.
Last time? Why do you keep eating them? Why do they keep making them? If you can't drive us home in time, Mom's gonna find out and kill us.
I-I-I think I can drive.
I just can't sit, think, or process moving objects.
Of course this is happening.
This is so typical Eddie.
Sorry for trying to show you guys a fun time.
This is fun to you?! You're doubled over in the fetal position, we're digging holes, stressed out about how to get home.
And I'm wearing a suit! You're the best-dressed guy in this local park.
What are you complaining about? You know what? Who cares.
At least this is the last time we're gonna have to do this.
What's that supposed to mean? It means you'll be gone, and we won't have to deal with your nonsense.
Can't come soon enough for me.
I'll be in the car.
Windows down.
God, I can't take Eddie anymore.
- He's the worst.
Hey, Louis, look.
Automatic sliding doors.
It's not fast or practical, but I must have it.
But so expensive.
I wonder if they have any used ones.
Would ya lookie here! It's Sheila.
Would you like to say anything to her? Louis, that's enough! It's just a car! Jessica, it's ridiculous that our van doesn't mean anything to you.
We raised our family in this.
It's practically a part of us! Look at them.
Really? Nothing? - [SIGHS.]
- Hey, I'm Calvin.
Can I help put you in a van today? Wait.
You look familiar.
Didn't you buy a giant RV, then try to return it with your wife's picture on the side? No, that doesn't sound like us.
'Cause I could swear that's her.
Stealing one of our vans.
- Whoa! She just blew through that stop sign.
She doesn't believe in them.
So, your wife just drove off the property? That's pretty bad-ass, except for the felony part.
Oh, I knew something bad like this might happen.
She's been repressing her feelings, and it's not healthy.
We have two options here.
We can either call the police or we can buddy-cop this mother ourselves and chase her down.
Um, the not call-the-police one.
I was really hoping you'd say that.
It's been a fantasy of mine for a while.
Oh, great.
We need to hurry.
She's getting away.
That's how the fantasy always starts.
Unfortunately, I'm only allowed to take a vehicle off the lot if it's for a test drive.
Fine! Whatever it takes, let's go! Great! I just need your license so I can make a few copies, we have to fill out a few forms, then we'll be on our way.
Um, hey, which car do you wanna take as the chase van? Uh, the blue, the gold, or the red? Any car is fine.
Heyyy, Calvin's got one on the hook.
I can't believe we found the time capsule.
I can't believe how many pet collars we dug up.
So many named "Rover".
- Mm.
- Take 10 minutes to brainstorm.
It's a member of your family.
Let's just hope there's something valuable enough in here to get us plane tickets home.
My rubber ducky! Ronnie Hardnose! That's right.
You were in a big bath phase.
- I was into self-care before it got cool.
- Mm.
A bag of farts.
- Eddie.
- At least he's consistent.
A picture of Mom? That's mine! [SIGHS.]
She hasn't aged a day.
I remember why we put this stuff in here.
We were super sad about moving.
And Eddie said if we buried our most prized possessions, we'd always have a reason to come back here.
He was right.
10-year-old Eddie really was the best dude.
Present-day Eddie's not too bad either.
- Hmm.
- We're lucky to have him.
You're not gonna believe this.
Eddie's at the back of this photo, and look what he's holding.
A hot dog?! I mean, what is his deal? [TIRES SCREECH.]
- Damn! Did she just swerve to make a right turn all the way from the left lane? - She trying to lose us? - No.
That's just how she drives.
She's going west.
Which we know, thanks to the in-mirror digital compass.
Honestly, I don't know how much more technology - you could put in a car.
- Alright, I get it.
We found the time capsule.
What was in it betrayal? Actually, it was a rubber duck, a picture of Mom, and a bag of farts.
A picture of Mom? Sorry about earlier.
It really was a fun trip.
Yeah, thanks for kidnapping us.
You were right we needed it.
Actually, you were right.
I wasn't doing it for you, I did it for me.
I wanted more time with you.
I'm gonna miss you guys.
Alright, let's go.
I'll drive.
Are you sure you can do it? Not at all.
But we're gonna try.
One last adventure.
LOUIS: She's pulling over.
Probably 'cause we only put a gallon of gas in there.
- Remember, Kareem play defense first.
- Ah.
Thanks for letting me borrow the van for a test-drive, Calvin.
Hey, I got an extra ticket tomorrow night to the Orlando Magic.
Wanna come with? [SEATBELT CLICKS.]
I always overstep.
Um, Jessica? You stole a car.
- Why? - Because of you.
- Me?! - Yes! You kept pushing me and pushing me, and I finally snapped.
Well, I pushed you to confront your feelings because it's crazy that this van means nothing to you.
Of course the van means something to me.
Taking it to the mechanic was one of the worst days of my life I'm not leaving without a free oil change.
And I want you to take down that naked lady calendar behind you.
Unfortunately, the van's gonna need more than an oil change.
I mean, truth be told, it's gonna cost so much to repair, you might as well sell it.
You mean you can't fix it? I know, it's tough.
I mean, I see it all the time with a family minivan you know, you ride it hard, take it everywhere with the kids.
It's no wonder these things break down.
But hey, it's just a hunk of metal, right? Right.
Uh, I think I left my purse in the van.
- Let me just go get it.
- Okay.
I hated to give up the van, but it was the only real choice.
Well, then why were you so quick to research new cars? I was coping.
I was trying to tell myself it would be okay.
But it's not just the van, Louis.
Our nest is thinning.
The boys are growing up, and it's all happening so fast.
And when you squeezed into that tuxedo - It totally fit.
- and kept showing me pictures of us and the van, it just made it hurt more.
I wasn't expecting to see it again, and then I did, and [SCOFFS.]
I don't know, I snapped.
Jessica, I had no idea.
I'm so sorry for pushing you.
It's okay that we grieve differently.
I know you like to immediately talk everything through, but that's just not me.
I see that now.
So, how did you even find me? A good husband knows how to stalk his wife.
You followed my path of destruction, didn't you? I still don't know how you missed that stroller.
We finally made it to Disney World.
What a great day.
GRANDMA: The part I liked the most was I accidentally joined a different family.
You gotta admit, Jessica, today was totally worth the splurge.
And what a splurge it was.
- Yeah I can't believe you got Kareem to throw in a free set of tires considering we were negotiating against a grand theft auto charge.
I also got him to throw in these.
One hand up, one around my lady.
Don't make me regret not going for the headlight eyelashes.
Today was great, but not as great as that sleepover at Walter's.
Yes, Walter's was fun.
We slept there overnight and did not get a speeding ticket in North Carolina.
Oh, God.
There's so much to teach you and so little time.

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