Friday Night Dinner (2011) s05e01 Episode Script

The Other Jackie

"We're in the back garden.
" They're in the back garden? MOBILE TONE Mum.
We're here! What do you? Yes, we know you're in the back garden because there's a sign saying you're in the back garden.
Why are they in the back garden? Oh, you're joking! Really? Ugh! What? You know that stupid thing they bought? What stupid th? Oh, no.
Oh, no.
There they are! Hi, boys! Hi, bambinos, ha-ha! Oh, my God You really are in a hot tub.
I know! Isn't it great? It's not great.
Please get out.
Get out? Are you mad? Yeah, it's gorgeous in here.
It's gorgeous.
THEY GIGGLE Are you making a rap video or something? What? Well, come on, get in, then.
Get in? Ugh, gross! What do you mean, "Ugh, gross!" Your bottoms have been in that water.
So? Your bottoms have been in that air.
Not quite the same thing.
What's wrong with our bottoms? Yeah, your mother's got a lovely bum.
THEY GIGGLE Live sex show.
Aren't you making dinner? What? Oh, no, we're getting a takeaway.
Which you'll be eating while lying in your own filth? There's no filth, you berk.
I added toilet cleaner, didn't I? BOTH: Toilet cleaner! Toilet cleaner! Well, just a little.
You know, genital germs, et cetera.
Right, I'm getting out now.
Martin! Thank you.
Hello, all! Oh, Jim! Oh, Jackie.
What are you doing here? Why have you got a great big bubbly bath outside? It's a hot tub.
Hot tub? Hot toilet.
Thank you.
And do Jewish people not take baths indoors? Er, not on Friday nights.
Ah, of course.
BOTH: Shalom.
What do you want, Jim? My sister's coming to visit me later.
Sister? I didn't know you had a sister.
Oh, yes, Jackie.
But she's rather scared of dogs, so I wondered if you'd Please don't say, "Look after Wilson for me?" .
look after Wilson for me? Fantastic! Um.
Yeah, thanks, Jim, um, but we've never had a dog beforeander Yeah, we wouldn't really know what to do with him, so It's OK, Jackie.
Here are the instructions.
"Do not look Wilson in the eye for more than three seconds.
" Well, we survived that.
It was supposed to be a relaxing night in, and then that bloody thing turns up.
Oh, don't be like that, Jackie.
Well, where are we going to put him, then? "Wilson doesn't like small spaces.
" That rules out the oven, ha! "Or large spaces.
" So, nowhere on Earth? Surely we can put him somewhere.
"Wilson should not be kept outside, "as he has been known to frighten oxen.
" Right.
Shall we just order our food, and get on with the bloody evening, yeah? Good idea.
And Martin, put some clothes on, this isn't a nudist camp.
What? Ow, you bugger! We're getting Chinese.
Oh! Skill McGill! Skilligan McGilligan! China Paradise.
Where's that menu? Oh, not China Paradise.
They don't deliver.
So? You'll just have to go and collect it.
Collect it? We have to collect the food? It's not the 1930s.
Oh, shut up.
Lazy shit-for-nothings.
Thank you.
Can't we just get a delivery? Yeah, just find somewhere online.
Online? I'm not eating bloody internet food! Pardon? Internet food? Oh, not this again.
Dad, they don't actually make the food inside the internet.
Internet bloody food.
I've tried explaining it.
It's not worth it.
Oh, and I'll need my card.
My purse is in the kitchen.
Which we have to "collect"? Correct.
Master Jonathan, would you get the horse and cart ready? Certainly, sir.
Pillocking pillocks.
"Internet food.
" Yes, there's a tiny little man inside the computer.
In a tiny little chef's hat.
GNAWING Is someone eating the house? GNAWING Wilson! Er, is this something we should know about? Sorry, one second.
Have you got it? Right, here we are.
What? GNAWING Nothing.
So CRASH Oh! WILSON WHIMPERS Oh! Could I also have the sizzling beef? Collecting our food from the 1930s.
HE SNIGGERS So, we're basically just looking after a wolf.
Can I help you? Yeah.
We ordered a takeaway.
Ah, yes.
Two minutes.
So now we just stand and wait for two minutes.
I know.
It's crazy.
Phone? Phone.
Jim! What's he doing here? Oh! Smooth.
The pain! Nice.
Good one, Jim.
Ow! Ugh, he's seen us.
Oh, God.
Here we go.
All right there, Jim? Hello, boys, I didn't see you over there because my hand was in the way.
Aren't you seeing your sister tonight? Am I? Oh, yes, I am.
Dressed like that? She's a very formal lady.
Here we are.
Hello, mywonderful sister.
I'm sorry? SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Gentlemen, your food's just over there.
Oh, thanks.
Well, um, goodbye, Jim.
Yes, goodbye That wasn't weird! That wasn't his sister! A date? Yup.
A date! Yup.
With a real lady.
Bleeding hell.
What's she like? Who cares what she's like.
He's just dumped Wilson on us so he can get some floozy back to his place! Floozy? 1930s.
"My sister's scared of dogs.
" Right! What are you doing? I'm calling him.
Really? Mum! Oh, come on, Jackie, he's only having a bit of fun.
Yeah, Mum, he's only having some fun.
Fun? And what about me and your dad? What about our fun? The hot tub.
Hot toilet.
Shut up.
The bubbly, the Nippy-nippy.
Shhh! Martin! Er, what was that? Yeah, what did he just say? Good boy, Wilson.
No, not "Good boy, Wilson.
" What did Dad just say? Nippy-nippy! Martin! Oh, please don't say that's your special name for Nippy-nippy! Oh, God, it is! Please kill us now! Grow up.
Everyone has their own name for it.
Do they? I don't.
That's because you never get any nippy-nippy! Ha, ha, ha.
Yes! Well, your father and I happen to call it nippy-nippy.
Happy now? No, not happy now.
Unhappy now.
Yes, very unhappy now.
Ugh! What does it even mean, nippy-nippy? I don't know, it's just what we call it.
It's, you know, cute.
Cute? It's depraved.
OK, just put the bloody plates out, will you? Anyway, Jackie, we can still have our nippy-nippy later, we'll just bung the dog in another room.
Thank you, Martin.
How romantic, bunging the dog in another room.
Hold on.
GNAWING Er, I think someone's eating the house again.
What? Oh, no, don't say! Oh, my God! Oh, shit on it! Wilson! Oh, Martin, take him upstairs, will you? Pissing hell! And not in our room.
No, because he mustn't get in the way of your nippy-nippy.
Ow! DOORBELL Dad's condom delivery? Ow! Um, hello, again, boys.
Hi, Jim, er, why are you Wet? Yeah Oh, well, um, after you left the restaurant that we were in, I sort of set the tablecloth on fire which sort of set off the um Sprinkler system.
SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Yes, which sort of made us, and all the other people in there, wet.
Very, very wet.
GIGGLING So, we went back to my house to get dry.
But on the way I slipped on a worm.
A worm? Yes.
And dropped my keys all down a sort of drain.
So you're? We're locked out.
SHE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY Mum! Um, is it all right if I use your bog, please? SHE GIGGLES Er, sure, the bog is just here.
GIGGLING The locksmith man won't be very long.
How's Wilson? Oh, it's you.
Hello, Jackie, you look nice.
Having dinner with your sister, were you? Pardon, Jackie? Hello.
Can I? Um, I can't seem to find the light switch in your bog.
GIGGLING Um, here.
Oh, sorry.
Jackie, this is Jackie.
Here's some of Martin's clothes for you.
Thank you, Martin.
Sodding hell.
And, um, here's some of my things.
I hope they're OK.
I'm sure they'll be just lovely.
GIGGLING I don't seem to have any under-garments.
Under-garments? Yes, you know, for mysensual regions.
Of course, Jim.
Here we are.
Here, Jim.
Little shit.
Um, maybe get changed in the spare room? Yes, yes.
The spare room.
So, we'llleave you to it, then, Jackie.
Thank you.
GIGGLING Okey dokey.
What a personality! This way, Jim.
MUFFLED GIGGLING She's still bloody laughing.
Wa-hey! Right.
"My sister's scared of dogs.
" Is she? Your sister's scared of dogs, Jackie? Not my sister, your sister.
My sister Yes! Well Lorraine Lorraine? You don't have a sister, do you, Jim? I have a sort of sister.
Sort of sister? You know, the male version of a sister.
You mean, brother? Yes, brother.
I'm sorry, Jackie.
When I saw Jackie on the computer system, it said she really didn't like dogs, so Computer system? What, you met her online? On a line? Your dog's eaten half our bloody house.
Perhaps I should have a word with him.
Ooh, it's probably best not to tell the other Jackie that it's my dog because, well, you know Yes, Jim.
He won't get any nippy-nippy.
Jonny! Well, go on.
You put him in my room! It's your old room, stupid.
But Wilson.
DOG WHIMPERS Oh! Fabulous.
He also eats beds.
Oh, Wilson! Look at this mess.
GIGGLING Ooh Is that a dog? NERVOUS GIGGLING Yes, yes, it is a dog.
It's not my dog, Jackie, because I don't have a dog.
Do I, Jackie? Uh, no, Jim.
What's its, um, name? Oh, Nippy-Nippy.
Yes, he's called Nippy-Nippy.
Githeads! Oh, I could never live with a dog.
Nor me.
In fact, II hate and despise all dogs.
Bad, bad dog! Bad, bad dog! DOG WHIMPERS You see? Is your locksmith going to be much longer, Jim? Not too long, Martin.
Because it's sort of getting late, and we haven't eaten yet, so I know, Jackie.
Um, neither have we.
GIGGLING My night off, and I'm bloody cooking again! How did I become the official caterer of Jim's bloody date? Hands-off! Ooh! And you, jaws off.
Stay, Nippy-Nippy! Don't.
Hello! Here's the Chinese.
Er, Some duck, I made some extra noodles How are we all getting on, then? I'm fine, thank you, Jackie! You're sure you're OK in those clothes, Jim? STRAINED: I'm very comfortable HE CHOKES HE EXHALES HE EXHALES Well, help yourselves! Thank you, Jackie.
I think Jackie and I will have our meal after we've had our conversation.
Your conversation? Yes! Our conversation.
SHE LAUGHS ErmOK, then? HE CLEARS HIS THROA HE COUGHS Are you OK? Jim? Have some water! Pepper! Pepper? Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Coughing stopped! It always works.
So, Jackie, do you live nearby? Oh, yes! Yes.
Jackie? Do you live nearby? Erm Not too near.
But also .
not too far.
SHE LAUGHS LAUGHTER CONTINUES Is it her turn now to ask a question? That's right, Jim.
Yes, because you're having your conversation.
Yes, our conversation.
Your go? Oh! One moment, please.
SHE LAUGHS Off to the bog? Never coming back? It is going well, isn't it? Very well.
Have you got any brothers and sisters? SHE LAUGHS Yes.
I have a brother Lorraine.
Where's this pissing locksmith? He'll befive minutes, Martin.
Thank you, Jim.
I once went to Switzerland! Ooh, Switzerland? Yes! To have a special operation on my bottom.
Not on my bottom, it was in my bottom.
Have you ever had a special operation on or in your bottom? No, but I was once given some penicillin for my .
SHE LAUGHS Sorry, Jimone second.
Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! SHE SIGHS If you find me facedown in that hot tub later Penicillin for her foofoo? KNOCK ON DOOR Hello? Ooh, sorry, everyone.
I just wanted to let you know that tonight is probably the greatest night of my entire life! Really, Jim? Oh, yes, Jackie! I think she might bethe one! Oh, my God, he thinks she's the one! What, the one that murders us all? That's horrible! Ohhhow exciting! Come on, five minutes to freedom.
And then, straight in that hot tub.
Hot toilet.
HE LAUGHS Right! How are our two love birds? SHE LAUGHS Mum? Four minutes 50, and counting.
Oh, yes! Regarding the locksmith man, it wasn't five minutes, it was 95 minutes! Jim? 95 minutes? That's it.
I'm going to my bloody shed.
Martin! Wait WOOD CRACKS Oh, good, the beaver's back.
What? TABLES CRASHES Shitting tits! Ooh, there's a bit there's another bit Ermthank you, Jim.
You sure you're all right, sitting there? We're fine! Aren't we, Jackie? Oh, yes! SHE LAUGHS Unbelievable.
They just sat there.
Is strangling still a crime? Shh! Oh, boys, how are we going to get rid of them? Set the house on fire? Not that door! DOG BARKS Oh, crap.
Nippy-Nippy? Nippy-Nippy! How are we supposed to find the bleeding thing if we can't use its real name? Sorry, real name? Oh, you little shits.
Nippy-Nippy? Oh, great, now I'll have that sodding dog in my head next time I'm astride your mother.
Martinastride? Jackie! I was just wondering, might there be any other name you sometimes use for Nippy-Nippy? Like, for example, I don't know Wilson? Erm, actuallyJim, we do sometimes call him Wilson, yes! It's funnyI just guessed their dog's other name! Wilson? Wilson! DOG BARKS Oh, champagne to celebrate! I mean, no champagne! Bad dog, bad Nippy-Nippy! Terrible Nippy-Nippy! I'm so happy you got your dog back.
SHE LAUGHS Yeah! Yes, I, too, am so happy you got your dog back, also.
It's your dog, really, isn't it, Jim? SHE LAUGHS SorryJackie, yes.
Nippy-NipWilson is my dog.
I don't mind.
HE CHUCKLES Aww! Ohh, isn't this lovely? Yeah.
Andsorry, I never even asked you, Jackie.
What is it you do? Oh! Er, well, I was working as a legal secretary.
SHE LAUGHS Ooh, someone's a clever clogs.
But then I left my job because I didn't really like the people.
Oh, dear, why is that? They were Jews.
SHE LAUGHS What I meant was That's it, keep talking.
that not all Jews are bad, but the ones I've met And here we are! And SHE LAUGHS And nowpiss off.
She was nice until she wasn't nice.
Sorry, Jim.
It's OK, Martin, just a shame that she was A Nazi? Yes, a Nazi.
Who'd have thought? An evening with Mrs Goebbels.
Is there anything I can do to make amends to your poor, poor people? Shalom BOTH: Shalom.
I think the best thing would be for you to go home now, Jim.
Yes, of course, Jackie.
Maybe if I said a few extra shaloms, you knowin penance? That idea, Jim.
Well, goodnight.
Ooh, how many shaloms should I do, exactly? 20,000.
Shalom! Shalom! I cannot believe you're making us do this.
Oh, stop moaning, it'd be nice! What, lying in our parents' sex water? Sex water! Adam! Ooh.
HE LAUGHS Oh! Martin! OhGod.
THEY LAUGH Seriously, if there's even a hint of Nippy-Nippy Shitting hell! Hello, all! Oh, my God! I thought it best to do my shaloms in here, you know, in the Jewish bath? Shalom Jim? Mmm? Please get out.
Yes, of course, Jackie.
THEY EXCLAIM Shalom I'll get the bleach.