Friends s02e10 Episode Script

457311 - The One With Russ

1 Joey, would you slow down? They're not going to be sold out of papers at one o'clock in the morning.
I'm excited.
I've never gotten reviewed before.
You were so amazing as the king.
I was really impressed, I was.
Although, you know what? You might want to consider wearing underwear next time.
Yeah, 'cause when you sat down on your throne, you could kind of see your royal subjects.
Here it is, here it is! "The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction was Joseph Tribbiani's disturbingly unskilled portrayal of the king.
" Okay, look, that is one guy's opinion.
- All right? Pheebs, read yours.
- Okay.
"The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction" Does anybody have one from a different paper? Ross, read yours.
I don't want to.
Oh! Joey, honey, they don't know - what they're talking about.
- Yeah.
Maybe they do.
I've been doin' this for ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere.
There's got to be a reason.
Oh, come on, man, you're just, uhpaying your dues.
No, no, no.
Itit's too hard.
It's not worth it.
I quit.
- What? - That's crazy.
[ALL PROTESTING] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait one minute.
Wait a minute.
I believe this will change your mind.
"In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani was able to achieve brilliant new levels of" Continued on page 153.
"Sucking.
" So no one told you life was going to be this way Your job's a joke, you're broke Your love life's D.
O.
A.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear And it hasn't been your day Your week, your month, or even your year But I'll be there for you When the rain starts to fall I'll be there for you Like I've been there before I'll be there for you 'Cause you're there for me, too When I was little, I wanted to be a veterinarian, but then I found out you had to put your hands into cows and stuff.
[SULLENLY]: Hi.
JOEY: Hey.
PHOEBE: Areare you okay? Yeah, yeah, just a tough day at work, you know? A stegosaurus fell over and trapped a kid.
Whoa, whoa, I know this jacket.
This is, thFun Bobby's jacket.
Where is he? What? He, he's here, isn't he? - Maybe.
- Don't toy with me.
- Geller! - Hey, Fun Bobby! Hey! Whoa, hey, you've been working out, huh? Not at all.
I love this guy.
Hey, I was so psyched to hear you're back with my sister.
- You and me both.
- Hey, so, what'd I miss, what'd I miss? Come on.
Oh, we were just trying to make Joey feel better.
- Hey, do you need me to pick you up? - No, I'm all right, man, really.
No, I'm picking you up.
Hey, no, seriously.
I don't need you to pick me [LAUGHING] - All right! It still works.
- Okay.
Now, before I go, does anybody else need to be picked up? I'm still going to go.
- Okay, I'll see you later, babe.
- Ah.
Public display of affection coming up.
You can avert your eyes.
Mm.
- See you.
- ALL: Good-bye.
See you later! Fun Bobby is so great.
Oh, isn't he? Oh, you know, I really think this time it may work with him.
I mean, he just makes me feel so good, and I've been feeling so lousy this last couple of months, you know no job, no boyfriend.
Well, at least my cup is half full.
Half full of love.
And for our two-week anniversary, he's going to take me to his cousin's cabin for the weekend.
Cabin of love.
We went through a lot of wine tonight, you guys.
- Really? I only had two glasses.
- I just had a glass.
- Two.
- I had one glass.
I had about a mugful in this lovely "I got boned at the Museum of Natural History" mug.
Okay, so that's, what? Two bottles? And yet, somehow we went through five? Whoa.
- Ohh.
- Oh.
Oh.
So what? So he drank a lot tonight.
Yeah, but, you know, now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever seen Fun Bobby without aa drink in his hand.
Yeah, and ooh, ooh, yeah, you know? Did you notice how he always starts his stories with, um, "Okay, I was so wasted," or, "Oh, we were so bombed.
" Or, um, ooh, ooh, "So I wake up and I'm in this dumpster in Connecticut.
" Monica, have you ever been with him when he wasn't drinking? Well, we just happen to go to a lot of places where you might drink.
I mean, how do you go to a wine tasting without having a drink? Oror to a club, or to the zoo? Rach, does this have non-fat milk? Ehhumm, I don't know.
Why don't you taste it? Mmm, no.
Oh, well, too late, sorry.
You already had some.
What do you say we make these, uh, coffees Irish? [CLEARING THROAT] Umcake! Yeah, we're going to we're going to get some cake.
You know what, it seems like you've been making an awful lot of stuff "Irish" lately.
Well, I would make them Belgian, but the waffles are hard to get into that flask.
Bobby.
Yeah, okay.
Look, maybe this is none of my business, or maybe it is, I don't know, but, um, I'm kind of worried about you.
Okay, look, this isn't the first time somebody's said something to me about this, but, I don't know.
I always made excuses about it, likeuh"I'm just a social drinker," or "Hey, come on, it's Flag Day.
" So, what are you saying now? I guess I'm saying, I'll try and quit.
I kind of like that you worry about me.
So, what's goin' on, huh? I am going to try and quit drinking.
Oh.
Why? - Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Guess who's back in show business.
Ooh, ooh! Lorne Greene? No, no, Pheebs.
You know why? 'Cause he's dead.
Oh, no.
Okay, I guess this is going to seem kind of bittersweet now, butJoey, that's who.
- Oh, yay! - Really? Yeah, my agent just called me with an audition for "Days of our Lives"! Kick ass! Oh, well, we have to celebrate.
You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme.
Hey, yeah, we could all sleep together, and then one of us could get amnesia.
Hey, Rach, what time do you get off? We're all going to do something tonight.
Um, well, actually, I'm already done.
Ahem.
But II kind of got plans.
[GASPING] You have other friends? Yeah, I, uh, I have a I have a date.
- What? - With a man? What? What is so strange about me having a date? What about Ross? I mean, are you still mad at him 'cause he made that list about you? No, no, I'm not mad at him.
I'mI'm not really anything at him anymore.
- What are you talking about? - I don't know.
Iwhatever I was feeling, I'mnot.
But you guys came so close.
Oh, I know.
I'm sorry, you guys.
You're just going to have to get used to the fact that I will not be dating Ross.
Here he is.
Hi.
Guys, this is Russ.
Hi.
No.
No, no, no.
Stop saying you're not talented.
You're very talented.
It's just that with the bird dead and all, there's very little act left.
Oh, honey, give me a break, will you? - [KNOCK ON DOOR] - Oooh, oh.
I'll talk to you later.
Well, there's my favorite client.
So, tell me, darling, how was the audition? Well, I think it went pretty well.
II got a callback for Thursday.
Joey.
Have you ever seen me ecstatic? - No.
- Well, here it is.
Okay.
Uhlisten, there's something I want to talk to you about.
- The network casting lady - Oh, isn't Lori a doll? Oh, yeah, yeah, she's great, butI kind of got the feeling that she was sort ofcoming on to me.
And I definitely would get the part if I would have, you know if I would have sent the - Little General in.
- Oh.
I see.
Well, I'm just going to put in a call here and we'll find out what's goin' on and straighten it out.
Yeah, hi.
Lori, please.
Hi, darling.
So, how about Joey Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver? Isn't he terrific? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Okay, doll, I'll talk to you later.
Yeah, you're going to have to sleep with her.
- What's the matter? - It's Fun Bobby.
What, isn't he sober? Oh, he's sober all right.
Just turns out that Fun Bobby was fun for a reason.
Oh.
Okay.
All right, here you go, sweetie.
Thanks.
You want to hear something funny? Oh, God, yes.
There are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.
That is funny.
I needed to buy a hammer the other night, and I'm out walkin' around the neighborhood, but apparently, there are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.
Uh, hey, honey, don't you have to be at your interview now? Oh, yeah.
- See you guys.
- Bye ridiculously dull Bobby.
- OhmyGod.
- He's not that bad.
Not that bad? Did you not hear the hammer story? Okay, okay, don't get all squinky.
Maybe it was just the kind of story where you had to be there.
But I'm going to be there, for the rest of my life.
I mean, I can't break up with him.
I'm the one who made him quit drinking.
- He's dull because of me.
- All right, don't say that.
He's probably always been dull.
You just, you know, set it free.
- Hi.
- Hey, Ross.
Bah! Hi, Russ.
I've just got two more tables to clean, and then we'll go, okay? Okay.
I'll just sit here anduh chat with your, uh friend-typepeople.
Rachel? Um, hi.
- Hi.
- Okay.
So you know what you're doing, right? Ha, ha.
Waitressing? Well, yeah.
Butno.
I mean, um, okay.
Doesn'tdoesn't Russ just remind you of someone? - Huh, Bob Saget? - Oh, yeah.
- No, no, no.
Oh, oh.
- Hi.
Oh, my, oh.
What? What's wrong? - Iokay - She's just upset because she, uh, she buttered a spider into her toast this morning.
Mm-hm.
All right.
Listen, Pheebs.
This is going to be okay.
Ross, Russ.
Russ, Ross.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Are you a, uh, friend of Rachel's? Yes.
Yes, I am.
Are you a, uh, friend of Rachel's? Actually, I'm, uh kind of a you know, adate-typething of Rachel's.
- A date? - Yeah, I'm her date.
Oh.
Oh, you're, uh you're, oh, you're the date? You know, this is actually good, because if we ever lose Ross, we have a spare.
Oh.
You are the, uh, paleontologist.
Yes.
Yes, I am.
And you are a Periodontist.
See? Now they're as different as night and later that night.
Well, I am going to, uh get a beverage.
Heh.
- Uh, it was niceuhmeeting you.
- Ditto.
I, uhwellII met Russ.
Oh.
Hey, I didn't know we were, uh, seeing other people.
- Well, we're not seeing each other, so - Huh.
Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the museum, who's curator of moths and otheruh winged things who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me, much like a well, you know.
Ahem.
Well, so far I've been keeping her at bay, but, uh, if this is the deal Well, yeah, this is the deal.
- Okay, well, um, have a nice evening.
- Thank you.
- Um, Russ, are you ready? - Yeah.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Bye.
She's dating? She's dating.
Yes.
Yes, but did you see who she was dating? What do you mean? - Do you not see it? - See what? I don't know what she sees inin that goober.
And itand it takes him, what? LikelikeI don't know, uh, uh, helloa week, to get out a sentence? Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it? Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Whoa, whoa.
So, I'm guessing you didn't get the part.
Oruh, Italy called and said it was hungry? Well, the part's mine if I want it.
Oh, my God! Yeah.
If I'm willing to sleep with the casting lady.
Oh, my God? Ten years I've been waiting for a break like this, Chandler.
Ten years! I mean, "Days of our Lives.
" That's actually on television.
So, what are you going to do? Well, I guess I could sleep with herI mean, how could I do that? Well, II've got a pop-up book that told me everything I needed to know.
I've never slept with someone for a part.
Well, is she? Sorry.
- It's all right.
Is she good-looking? - Yeah, she's totally good-looking.
I mean, if I met her in a bar or something, I'd be buying her breakfast.
You know, after having slept with her.
You know, maybe this isn't such a big deal.
You know, I mean, the way that I see it is, you get a great job and you get to have sex.
You know? I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy, and you've got Christmas.
I justI just don't think that I want it that way though, you know? I mean, let's say I do make it, all right? I'm always going to look back and wonder if it was because of my talent, or because ofyou know, the Little General.
Didn't you used to call it the "Little Major"? Yeah, but after Denise DiMarco, I had to promote it.
Can I get you something from the bar? Yes, I would like something.
No.
No, thank you.
No, ifif you want a drink, it's okay with me.
I've got to get used to it.
No, no, really.
II wouldn't feel right about it.
Just some water, please.
So the light went out in my refrigerator.
I'd like a scotch on the rocks with a twist.
I'm sorry.
Hey, we're having some fun now, huh, Ross? Want to do another one? Huh, Russ? Okay, eleven letters.
"Atomic element number 101," ends in "ium.
" - Dysprosium.
- Ha, ha.
Dysprosium? Try mendelevium.
And weenie number two has it.
Unless, of course, nine-down, "Knights in White Satin" was sung by the Doody Blues.
You don't see it? You actually don't see it? - What? - Okay, honey, you're dating Ross.
No, Pheebs, I'm dating Russ.
Russ is Ross.
Russ, Ross.
Steve, Sleeve.
Okay, no one is named Sleeve.
Phoebe, what the hell are you talking about? Other than their names being similar, I'm sorry, I do not see what you're seeing.
For your information, it's a card sharp, not a card shark.
You could not be more wrong.
You could try, but you would not be successful.
Okay, I'm going to get some more coffee before the pinching and eye-poking begins.
- I know what your problem is.
- Oh, you do, do you? Mm-hm.
You're jealous.
Uh, ofof what? You're jealous because I'm a real doctor.
Hey, you're a doctor of gums.
That's the smallest body part you can major in.
It's like, day one, floss.
Day two, here's your diploma.
- Hey, you listen - No, no.
- Let me finish.
- No, let me finish.
No, you let me fin - Hi.
- Hi.
Ew.
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew Did Joey say what he was going - to do before he left? - No.
I don't even think he knew.
Hey, would you sleep with somebody to get a great job? I don't know.
Who would I have to sleep with? Me.
Why would I have to sleep with you? It's my game.
You want the job, or not? - Hi.
- Hey.
- Good morning.
- Where you goin'? Bobby and I are going away for the weekend, remember? Oooh.
What's with all the bottles of liquor? What's going on? Isuh, Bobby drinking again? Oh, no, no, this is not for him; this is for me.
That way, he's still sober, but I find his stories about shoelaces much more amusing.
[THREE SLOW KNOCKS] Ugh, God, even his knock is boring.
- Hi.
I'll be ready in just a second.
- Uh, could I talk to you a minute? Sure.
- This is really hard for me to say.
- Oh, God! You fell off the wagon.
Oh, no, no.
It's about you.
What about me? I think you may have a drinking problem.
What, these? Oh, no, these are, um, forcuts and scrapes.
Look, I am just not strong enough to be in a co-dependent relationship right now, okay? Oh, shoot.
Well, anyway, I hope we can be friends.
Okay.
Take care.
- Okay, you, too.
- Bye.
What happened? Well, wewe kind of broke up.
ALL: Aw Does anybody want these? I'll take one.
Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant.
- Hey.
- Hey! How'd the callback go? Ugh, it was unbelievable.
I walked in there and she was all over me.
- So, what did you do? - Well, I couldn't do it.
I told her I didn't want to get the - part that way.
- Good for you.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
But then, after I left her office, she caught up with me at the elevator and offered me an even bigger part.
Soand? So, you are now looking at Dr.
Drake Ramoray, neurosurgeon, recurring in at least four episodes! ALL: All right! [CHEERING] All right, I got to go shower.
Hi.
- Oh, hey.
- Hi.
I guess you guys heard, Rachel dumped me.
Yeah, I'm sorry, man.
Oh, all she said was that I remind her too much of somebody.
You have any idea who she's talking about? Oh, I do.
It's it's Bob Saget.
- She hates him.
- Oh.
- Hey.
- Hey! Hey, Julie.
Hey, how are you doing? Um, oh, I don't know.
I mean, it's definitely weird not being with Ross, but I guess I'm doing okay.
Actually, I've got some of his stuff that he, um