Friends s03e06 Episode Script

Janice has a question.
Who of the six of you.
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has slept with who of the six of you? Wow, it's like a dirty math problem.
I'm sorry, the answer there would be none of us.
Over the years, none of you ever got drunk and stupid? Well, that's really a different question.
I can't believe a group of people who spends this much time together.
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has never bumped uglies.
There was that one time Monica and Rachel got together.
What? Excuse me, there was no "time.
" Okay, but let's say there was.
How might that go? Well then answer me this: Have any of you ever almost.
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? -Anybody need more coffee? -Hey, there's a dog out there! The One With the Flashback .
:staz:.
(staz@post.
cz) -That is so unfortunate.
-What? Cute Naked Guy's starting to put on weight.
I'll be back in just a minute.
I'm sorry that I left lipstick marks on the phone.
You didn't leave lipstick marks on the phone.
Then it must have been you.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
-That's why I moved out.
-Hey, while we're on that.
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when are you gonna tell my sister you don't live here anymore? On some level, she already knows.
She doesn't know you sneak out every night.
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and back every morning.
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and that you've been at your grandmother's for a week.
Okay, well, maybe not on those levels.
I'm never gonna find a roommate.
Ever.
Nobody good? There was the guy with the ferrets.
That's plural.
The spitter.
And the guy who enjoyed my name so much.
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he made a noise every time he said it.
"Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing.
Bing! " "Great apartment, Chandler Bing.
Bing! " -How many more tomorrow? -Two.
This photographer who seemed really dull.
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and this actor guy who I'm not sure about.
When I answered the phone "Chandler Bing" .
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he said, "Whoa! Short message! " Foot on the floor or come over no more: Your dresser is missing, but this she notices.
-What? -I have to go.
Carol should be home by now, so.
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-How's it going with you guys? -Better, actually.
I finally figured out why we're having so much trouble.
-Oh, really? -Yeah.
You know how I have you guys? She doesn't have any close friends that are just hers.
But last week, she met this woman at the gym, "Susan" something.
And they really hit it off, and I think it's gonna make a difference.
So, Eric.
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what kind of photography do you do? Oh, mostly fashion.
There may be models here sometimes.
I hope that's cool.
Yes, that is cool.
Because I have models here, you know.
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: : :never: During the summer I spend most weekends at my sister's beach house.
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which you're welcome to use.
Although I should tell you, she's a porn star.
Well, I still have one more person to meet.
But unless it turns out to be your sister.
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I think your chances are pretty good.
All right.
Bedroom, bathroom, living room.
This here is the kitchen, and thanks for coming by.
Bye-bye.
Don't you wanna ask me any questions? Sure.
What's up? Well, I'm an actor.
I'm fairly neat.
I got my own Tv.
Oh, and don't worry, I'm totally okay with the gay thing.
What gay thing? Just, you know, in general.
The whole "people-being-gay" thing.
Totally cool with that.
Okay, Jerry.
Thanks for stopping by.
Oh, my God! Hey, Mon.
-Wanna hear something that sucks? -Do I ever! -Chris says they're closing the bar.
-No way! They're turning it into a coffee place.
Just coffee? -Where are we gonna hang out? -You got me.
-Can I get a beer? -Did you pick a roommate? -You bet.
-Is it the ltalian guy? Yeah, right.
He's so cute.
That's what I want.
A roommate I can walk around with.
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and be referred to as "the funny one.
" Table's free.
Rack them up.
Back in a minute.
Get ready for me to whip your butt.
Okay, but after that, we're shooting some pool.
Excuse me? Hello? Hi.
My friend ordered an onion.
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not an olive.
And I ordered a rum and Diet Coke.
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which I don't think this is.
-I am so sorry.
-That's all right.
How hard is it to get a couple drinks right, huh? I would like to propose a toast.
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to the woman who, in one year from today, will become.
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Mrs.
Dr.
Barry Barber, D.
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S.
I think it's time to see the ring again.
Isn't it exciting? I mean, it's like having a boyfriend for life! Yeah.
I know.
What? Oh, I don't know.
Well, maybe it's just the idea.
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of Barry for the rest of my life.
I don't know, I think l.
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I feel like having one last fling.
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just to sort of get it out of my system.
-Rachel, stop! -You're so bad! I'm serious.
I really think I need to just have.
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some meaningless sex, you know? With the next guy I see.
Excuse me, I seem to have dropped my ball.
Yeah, so? And now I've picked it up again.
My God! I went to high school with her.
Look! Hi! What do you think? Oh, my God! You can't even see where the Titanic hit it.
Yes, his name is Barry.
He's a doctor, thank you very much.
Just like you always wanted.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
So how about you? Are you seeing anybody? Not right now.
Oh, well, that's okay.
I know.
So I think I'll get back to my friend.
Oh, yeah.
Sure, sure, sure.
Can we have lunch the next time I'm in the city? That'd be great.
-Okay.
-Thanks.
Ten bucks says I never see that woman again in my life.
No, honey, really.
It's fine.
Just.
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go with Susan.
Really, I think-- I think girls' night out is a great idea.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye.
-What are they doing? -I don't know.
Something girly.
Hey, you're early.
What are you doing with the lamp? Just taking it to get rewired.
Don't take it where you took the stereo.
They've had that over a week.
Mr.
Heckles, no one is making any noise up here.
You're disturbing my oboe practice.
-You don't play the oboe.
-I could play the oboe.
Then I'm gonna have to ask you to keep it down.
Who are you? -I'm Eric, Chandler's new roommate.
-I'm Chandler's new roommate.
-I don't think so.
-I could be Chandler's new roommate.
-But he told me over the phone-- -He told me in person.
That's weird.
I'm going to go into my new apartment now.
Hi again.
Thank you so much.
Don't thank me.
Thank the jerk that never showed up.
Okay, I gotta get to work.
-You want some help? -No, thanks.
I got it.
No, I don't! You okay? I stood up too fast.
Got a little head rush.
It's the heat.
And the humidity.
That's.
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a tough combination.
Do you want to come in for some lemonade? Like you wouldn't believe.
This is a great place.
Thank you.
Just make yourself comfortable.
Gotcha.
So this place is really my grandmother's.
I got it when she moved to Florida.
Otherwise I could never afford it.
So if the landlord ever asks.
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I'm an 87-year-old woman who's afraid of her vCR.
You thirsty? You bet I am! Okay.
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here's your penis! Oh, my God! What the hell are you doing? You said, "You wanna come in for some lemonade?" So? Were you just gonna give me lemonade? Cover yourself up! Oh, right.
Sorry.
God, I don't believe this! Someone asks you in for lemonade and that means they want to have sex? Usually, yeah.
Well, not just lemonade.
Iced tea, sometimes juice.
Look, sorry.
I just-- I thought you liked me.
I'm such a jerk.
It's okay.
I suppose it could happen to anyone.
Not anyone I know, but.
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By the way, I can still see it.
Where's your bed? It's not in the apartment? I can't believe this is happening again.
-What? -Okay, enough with the third degree! I don't live here anymore.
-What are you talking about? -I'm sorry.
I don't live here anymore.
I didn't know how to tell you.
But, you know, everybody else knows.
Everybody knows? That was supposed to be a good thing.
I forget why.
Do you know I couldn't sleep for a month.
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because I got a dot of ink on one of the sofa cushions? You could've just turned the cushion over.
I would have, but I had a spaghetti stain on the other side.
What? This is what I'm talking about.
I need to live in a land where people can spill! Well, you can spill.
In the sink.
Oh, honey.
It's not your fault, you know.
This is who you are.
And I love you.
And I want us to be friends.
And if I stay here, I don't see that happening.
-I love you too.
-Good.
What? What? I'm just sad.
No, you're not.
You're wondering which cushion it is.
So what are you watching? Baywatch.
What's it about? Lifeguards.
Well, it sounds kind of stup-- Who's she? Nicole Eggert.
We like her.
Wow! Look at them run! They do that a lot.
Hey, you want a beer? -I'll get one.
-Don't get up.
I got a cooler here.
Do you have any beers? We're out of beers.
Help yourself.
You okay? Phoebe moved out.
Right.
I don't understand.
Am I so hard to live with? ls this why I don't have a boyfriend? You don't have a boyfriend because.
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I don't know why you don't have a boyfriend.
You should have a boyfriend.
I think so.
Come here.
Come here.
Listen, you are one of my favorite people.
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and the most beautiful woman I've ever known in real life.
Where is everybody? It's already closed.
Chris gave me the keys to lock up.
What is wrong? I think my marriage.
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is kind of over.
Oh, no! Why? Because Carol's a lesbian.
And I'm not one.
And apparently it's not a mix-and-match situation.
Oh, my God! I don't believe it! Oh, you poor bunny.
I'm an idiot.
I mean, I should have seen it.
I mean, Carol and I would be out, and she'd see some beautiful woman.
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and she'd be "Ross! Look at her! " And I'd think.
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"God, my wife is cool.
" Hey, do you think that Susan person is her lover? Well, now I do! I'm sorry.
Seven years! I mean, we've been together seven years: She's the only woman who's ever loved me.
She's the only woman I've ever.
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This is nice.
I know.
It is, isn't it? No, I mean it.
This feels really good.
Is it 1 00%%% cotton? And I got it on sale too.
I should go.
One of the lifeguards was just about to dismantle a nuclear device.
If you want to get a drink later, we can.
That sounds great.
Oh, and listen, it's gonna be-- I know.
Thanks.
Maybe this wouldn't have happened if I'd been more nurturing.
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or I'd paid more attention.
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or I had a uterus.
-I can't believe it.
-I know.
You know, you don't deserve this.
You don't, Ross.
-You're so good.
-Thanks.
And you're so sweet.
-Thanks.
-And you're kind.
Thanks.
Come here.
Wait, wait, wait.
It's okay.
Wait, wait, wait! My foot is stuck in the pocket.
-What? -I can't get it out.
That's not something a girl wants to hear.
Come on, don't start.
What? Stupid balls are in the way.
Oh, well.
That probably wouldn't have been the most constructive solution.
You have chalk on your face.
You're right.
I don't know why I always thought this was real grass.
Honey, you okay? My wife's a lesbian.
Cool! Ross, Joey.
Joey, Ross.
I can't believe you came back.
Don't say anything.
I don't wanna speak.
I don't wanna think.
I just want you to take me and kiss me and make love to me right here.
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right now.
You missed the exit.
Sorry.
My God, what were you thinking about? Barry.