Friends s03e11 Episode Script

Okay, pick a card.
Any card.
All right, now memorize it.
Show it to everybody.
Got it? All right.
Give it back to me.
Five of hearts.
Real magic does exist.
Joey, how do you do it? I can't tell you that.
Somebody's at the door on the ceiling.
That's our unbelievably loud upstairs neighbor.
He took up the carpets, and now you can hear everything.
Why don't you go ask him to just, "Step lightly, please?" I have, like five times.
But the guy is so charming.
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I go up there to yell, then I end up apologizing to him.
That is silly! I'll go up and tell him to keep it down.
-All right, be my guest.
-Good luck.
All right, all right.
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if you wanna know how I did it, I'll show you.
When you handed me back the card, what you didn't see was.
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I looked at it so fast, it was invisible to the naked eye.
I just did it.
Just did it again.
Here, I'll slow it down so you guys can see it.
Ready? -I got it now! -Okay.
Thank you.
The One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister .
:staz:.
(staz@post.
cz) Anybody got a length of rope about -Honey, what's the matter? -I just saw Janice.
She was at Rockefeller Center, skating with her husband.
She looked so happy.
I almost feel bad for whipping that kid's pretzel at them.
I remember the first time I saw Katherine after we broke up.
She was walking and talking with her friend, Donna.
God, it killed me! But you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon.
Sorry, I just-- Any excuse to tell that story.
There's a party tomorrow.
You'll feel better then.
I'm gonna be okay.
You don't have to throw a party for me.
It's Joey's birthday.
Then if anybody should have a party, it should be him.
I cannot believe she's still up there.
Well, he totally screwed up the punch line.
You know, it's supposed to be-- How's that coffee coming, dear? Right away, Mr.
Kaplan.
I'm not suppose to drink it.
It makes me gassy.
I know.
I'll bet you're thinking, "What's an intelligent girl.
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who wants to be in fashion doing making coffee?" You got me.
Don't think I haven't noticed your potential.
I've got a project for you that's a lot more related to fashion.
-How does that sound? -That sounds great! -Come on over here, sweetheart.
-Thank you so much.
I need these hangers separated ASAP.
You're welcome.
Oh, God, I hate my job! I hate it.
I know, honey.
I'm sorry.
I want to quit, but then I think I should stick it out.
Then I think: "Why would a person stay in such a demeaning job.
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just because it's remotely related to the field they're interested in? Gee, I don't know, Rach.
Order up! Yentl soup, James Beans, and a Howdy, hold the Doody.
Come on, I'm sorry.
I didn't-- I don't mind paying my dues.
But how much will I learn about fashion.
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by walking Myra, the arthritic seamstress.
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to the bathroom? Hi.
Is my misery amusing to you? I'm sorry, I was just.
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It's not funny.
This is actually my job.
Believe me, I've been there.
I had to sort mannequin heads at that Mannequins Plus.
I'm just gonna go back to talking to my friend here.
You can go back to enjoying your little hamburger.
Just one other thing.
I work at Bloomingdale's.
I might know of a possible job, if you're interested.
Do you want my pickle? Hey, guys.
-Hey, Gunther.
-Hi.
You're going on a date with the noisy guy upstairs? Well, he's very charming.
He's too charming! But if you go out, it'll be harder for me to hate him.
You'll just have to try.
Joey? Where are the Jell-O shots? I don't know.
Chandler's supposed to be passing them-- Chandler! Hello-dee-lo! Well, somebody's feeling better.
-Stick out your tongue! -Take off your shirt! -Oh, my! -Oh, my God! How many did you have? They're pure vodka.
Yeah, Jell-O.
Just like Mom used to make.
The most unbelievable thing happened today.
I had lunch at Monica's and met a guy.
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who works for a buyer at Bloomingdale's.
There's an opening there! So I gave him my phone number.
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and he'll call me this weekend to get me an interview! So this guy's helping you for no apparent reason? And he's a total stranger? Yeah.
His name is "Mark" something.
Sounds like "Mark Something" wants to have some sex! What? Why else would he swoop in out of nowhere for no reason? To be nice? Hey, Joey, are men ever nice to strange women for no reason? -No, only for sex.
-Thank you.
So did you tell "Mark Something" about me? I didn't have to.
I was wearing.
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my "I Heart Ross" sandwich board and ringing my bell.
Joey! Happy birthday! How many of that girl are you seeing? How hammered are you? These are Joey's sisters.
Hi, Joey's sisters! What're we drinking over here? Well, I have a vodka and cranberry juice.
No kidding? That's the same drink I made myself right after I shot my husband.
Okay, I don't know how to talk to you.
What are you doing? I'm taking my ex-girlfriend off my speed dialer.
No, it's a good thing.
Why must we dial so speedily anyway? Why rush through life? Why can't we savor the precious moments? You have some huge breasts! -Hi.
-Hi.
So I heard about this Mark guy that Rachel met today.
Isn't it great? Yeah, pretty good.
He sounds like a nice, good guy.
Oh, he is.
And he is so dreamy! I mean, when he left, I actually used the phrase: "Hummina, hummina, hummina.
" That's excellent.
So he's "just a nice guy.
" Do you really think this Mark doesn't want anything for helping you? Well, I assume I'll have to take showers with him.
But that's true of any job.
How you feeling? Well, my apartment isn't there anymore.
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because I drank it.
Where'd you go? We lost you after you opened up all the presents.
I ended up in the storage room, and not alone.
No "woo-hooing.
" No "woo-hooing.
" Why, what happened? I fooled around with Joey's sister.
That's not the worst part.
What is the worst part? I can't remember which sister.
You see what men do? Don't tell me men are nice.
This is men! Are you insane? Joey will kill you.
He'll actually kill you dead.
You don't think I thought of that? -How can you not know which one? -That's unbelievable.
-Was it Gina? -Which one's Gina? The dark, big hair, with airplane earrings.
That's Dina, not Gina.
See? You can't tell which is which either! We didn't fool around with any of them.
It's got to be veronica.
The girl in the red skirt.
I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat! That was me.
When I drink, sometimes I get overly friendly.
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and I'm sorry.
-That's okay.
-That's all right.
-That's okay.
Can I talk to you for a second? Hey, Joey! Come on.
Why can't we talk in here.
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with witnesses? I just got off the phone with my sister.
Which one? -Mary Angela.
-Mary Angela.
Now which one is she again? Ask Chandler.
He fooled around with her.
She told me you said you could really fall for her.
Is that true, or are you just getting over Janice by groping my sister? It's gotta be the first one.
Really? That's great! You and my sister, sitting in a tree! Yep, I'm in a tree.
Did he call? Did Mark call? I'm sorry.
But the weekend's not over yet.
Oh, my God! ls that Phoebe? Guess they're back from their date.
Music! very nice! Oh, my God! So how are you? -I am good.
I finished my book.
-What's it about? I don't remember.
Do you want to take a walk? "Dear Mary Angela: Hi, how's it going? This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write.
" What the hell's the matter with you? How will Joey react to you blowing off his sister with a letter? That's where you tell him that I moved to France.
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when actually I'll be in Cuba.
Look, you've got to do this yourself in person.
You know her name.
You just go to the house and ask for Mary Angela.
When whichever one she is comes to the door.
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take her for a walk and let her down easy.
What if she comes to the door and I ask for her? Where in Cuba? What are you doing here? Waiting for my grandma to do my laundry.
What about you? I'm here to see Mary Angela.
You are so the man! Come on.
Now look, listen.
Listen.
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Be cool, because Grandma doesn't know about you two.
You don't want to tick her off.
She was, like, the sixth person to spit on Mussolini's hanging body.
Where's Mary Angela? She's right in there.
-Hey, Chandler! -Hey, Chandler! I can't believe Mark didn't call.
It's Sunday night and he didn't call.
Bummer.
Yeah, right.
Look at you.
You're practically giddy.
I'm genuinely sorry the Mark thing didn't work out.
Look, Rach, I want only good things for you.
Wait a minute.
Why don't you just call Mark? Who says you have to sit and wait for him? You've got to make stuff happen! Yeah, but you don't wanna seem too pushy.
It's not pushy.
He gave her his home number.
He gave you his home number, as in, to his home? And you don't mind if I call, because you want good things for me.
That's right, good things.
That is what I said.
Mark? Hi, it's Rachel Greene.
Oh, no.
Don't you apologize.
Yeah, I'll hold.
He left my number at work.
Then he had to help his niece with her report on the pioneers.
That is so made up! Oh, my God! Tomorrow? That's-- No, it's perfect.
Oh, God! Thank you so much! Great.
I got the interview! There you go! He even offered to meet me for lunch and prep me for it.
That is amazing! Well, if I know Mark, and I think I do.
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I'd expect nothing less.
I gotta figure out what to wear.
High collar and baggy pants say, "I'm a pro! " Yeah, right.
Okay, I'll see you guys later.
You go get them! What did I do to you? Did I hurt you in some way? What? "Why don't you call him?" Thank you very much.
Now he's gonna prep her.
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as in what you do before you surgically remove the boyfriend! Are you crazy? Am l? Am I out of my mind? Am I losing my senses? This dreamy guy's taking my girlfriend out for a meal! This isn't even about you! It's about something wonderful happening for Rachel.
Even if you're right, and he wants to sleep with her.
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does that mean he gets to? -No, but-- -Don't you trust her? Then get over yourself! Grow up! You grow up.
This tiramisu is excellent.
Did you make it, Mary Angela? No, I did.
Well, it's yummy.
So.
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Mary Angela, do you like it? Of course.
It's her favorite.
So.
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Mary Angela, what's your second favorite? More of Grandma's tiramisu.
Oh, would you just please.
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give me your recipe, because this is great! It's topnotch! That dies with me.
So will l.
Excuse yourself and go to the bathroom.
I was just squinting.
It doesn't mean anything.
Just do it! Will you excuse me, I have to.
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Finally! I thought we'd never be alone.
Can I just tell you something? I have not stopped thinking about you since the party.
Look, I may have jumped the gun here.
I just got out of a relationship.
And I'm not really in a.
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in a commitment kind of place.
So? Me neither! God, Mary Angela was right.
You do have the softest lips.
You're not Mary Angela? No! I'm Mary Therese! This is so bad.
If you're not Mary Angela, then who is? I am.
Oh, it's so bad.
No, Joey! No, Joey! What's going on? You're it! Now run and hide! It's no big deal.
Chandler was just kissing me.
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because he thought I was Mary Angela.
What? How could you think she was Mary Angela? I wasn't sure which one Mary Angela was.
Look, I'm sorry.
I was really drunk.
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and you guys all look really similar.
-I say punch him, Joey! -Yeah, punch him! We should all calm down.
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because your brother's not gonna punch me.
Are you? That's usually what I'd do.
But I never thought you'd be on the receiving end.
How could you do this? If you wanna punch me, go ahead.
I deserve it.
But I want you to know that I'd never soberly hurt you or your family.
You're my best friend.
And I'd never do anything like this, ever again.
So what? -I say punch him! -Yeah, punch him! No, I'm not gonna punch Chandler.
-I'll do it.
-No, you won't! He knows he did a terrible thing, and I believe him.
He's sorry.
But you got one more apology to make.
You gotta apologize to Mary Angela.
-Absolutely.
You got it.
-All right.
-Cookie, now you can punch him! -What? What are you doing here? You know, this building's on my paper route, so.
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How did it go? The woman I interviewed with was pretty tough.
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but thank God Mark coached me.
Once I talked about the Fall line, she got all happy.
-I'm so proud of you.
-Me too! Listen, I'm.
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I'm sorry I've been so crazy and jealous and.
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It's just, I like you a lot, so.
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I know.
-Hi.
-Hi, Mark.
I just talked to Joanna, and she loves you.
You got the job.
I did? Oh, my God! Congratulations.
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So, Phoebe? How was your date? Oh, well, you know.
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Yeah, I do know.
You were eavesdropping? Eavesdropping? Pheebs, the ceiling tiles were falling down.
Oh, I'm sorry.
But I really like this guy and I think he really likes me.
Maybe he's just.
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jumping on a pogo stick and he really likes it.
Maybe the pogo stick likes it too.
All right, that's it.
He cannot do this to Phoebe! This guy's gonna get the butt-kicking of a lifetime! But is he a big guy? We'll all go.
Come on.
Thanks, you guys.
Thank you! Don't worry! God! I hope they kick his ass! Honey, I'm sorry.
If it's any consolation.
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he sounded like he had more fun with you.