Friends s03e18 Episode Script

465269 - The One With the Hypnosis Tape

1 [LAUGHING] What's so funny? Oh, nothing.
It's an acting exercise.
I'm practicing my fake laugh.
Oh.
[LAUGHING] What? What's so funny? GUNTHER: Oh, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
There's none of that in here.
Oh, come on, at least let me finish this last one.
Okay, but only if you give me a drag.
Okay.
Oh oh, dark mother.
Once again I suckle at your smoky teat.
No, no.
Why don't you hold on to that one? [SIGHS] Okay, that's, like, the least fun game ever.
Well, I'm really sick of your smoking, so I brought something that is going to help you quit.
Oh.
Nope.
That patch is no good.
[FAKE LAUGHING] Come on, it's a hypnosis tape.
This woman at work used it for two weeks straight and she hasn't smoked since.
Huh! What's your problem? Nothing.
It's just that hypnosis is beyond crap.
Ross, I watched you get hypnotized in Atlantic City.
Hey, that guy did not hypnotize me, okay? Right.
You always pull your pants down on the count of three and play "Wipe Out" on your butt cheeks.
All right.
Forget hypnosis.
The way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather, and then bathe in the sweat of six healthy young men.
Or what my father calls Thursday night.
So no one told you life was going to be this way Your job's a joke, you're broke Your love life's D.
O.
A.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear When it hasn't been your day Your week, your month, or even your year But I'll be there for you When the rain starts to fall I'll be there for you Like I've been there before I'll be there for you 'Cause you're there for me, too - Here you go.
- Oh, you know what? I didn't want cinnamon on this.
Sorry.
- Hi.
Hi.
- Oh, my God! Frank! Ha, ha.
Hi! How are you? What are you doing here? Well, you know, I would have called, but I lost your phone number.
And then, uh, my mom locked me out of the house, so I couldn't find it.
And, uh, then I tried to find a pay phone, and the receiver was cut off.
What happened? Uh, oh.
Vandalism.
But also, what happened between you and your mom? Well, we got in a fight, uh, 'cause she said I was too immature to get married.
- You're getting married?! - Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God! Aah! My little brother's getting married! Ha, ha.
Yeah.
I knew you'd be so cool about this.
Uh, hey, do you want to meet her? Do I?! Do you? Yeah, I do! Yeah! Okay, cool! All right! She's just, uh, parking the truck.
I'm going toI'm going to go get my, uhmy fiancée, man! I would have bet good money that he'd be the first one of us to get married.
Isn't it fantastic? Yeah, but don't you think he's a little young to get married? - Well, he's 18.
- It will be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.
Yeah, or to get a hooker.
Always illegal, Joe.
Heyhey this is, uhmy fiancée, - Mrs.
Knight.
- [NERVOUSLY] Ha-ha-ha.
- FRANK: That's, uhthat's my sister.
- You know, it's funny.
Frank's told me so much about you, but you're not how I pictured you at all.
Yeah.
I'm a big surprise.
- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, yeah.
Here, grab a seat.
So, uh, how did you guys meet? Well, um, I was in Mrs.
Knight's I mean, Alice.
Sorry.
Alice.
I always do that.
Ha, ha.
You knowI was in her Home Ec class.
And he was my best student.
Yeah, she was my best teacher.
Aww! If that doesn't keep kids in school, what will? And so now you guys are going to be married? Yeah.
Ha, ha.
You know, we talked about just living together, but, um we want to have kids right away! [ALICE LAUGHS] Oh, my God.
Great! Wow, kids.
Frank, are you sure you're ready for that? How hard can it be? You know, I mean, you knowbabies.
Who doesn't want babies, right? And besides, you know, I never had a dad around, and now I always will, 'cause, you know, it will be me, right? [BOTH LAUGH] You know, we do realize that there's an age difference between us.
Oh, good, 'cause you were acting like you didn't.
Oh, no, but when it comes to love, what does age matter? - [GROWLS, SNARLS] - [LAUGHS] - Mm - Mm WOMAN: You are falling fast asleep.
Deeperdeeperdeeper you are now completely asleep.
You don't need to smoke.
Cigarettes don't control you.
You are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke.
A strong, confident woman MONICA: And you know what? I just realized in the last year, I've only gone out with two guys: Richard and Julio.
You got to help me out.
Set me up.
Get me back in the game.
That shouldn't be a problem.
I mean, I work in fashion, and all I meet are eligible straight men.
Pete, can I get you something else? I'll have a slice of cheesecake and a date, if you're giving them out.
Heh.
Haven't you and I covered that topic? - Come on.
You just said to her - You only want to go out with me because of my wig, and the big boobs, and the fact that I serve you food.
Well, if that were true, I'd be dating my Aunt Ruth.
And the two times we went out, it was just plain awkward.
You think she should go out with me, don't you? Ha, ha.
[LAUGHS] Well, I mean, are you sure you want to go out with her? That ain't a pretty picture in the morning, you know what I mean? That wig all in disarray, and boobs flung over the nightstand.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, really.
Think about it.
Oh-ho, I will.
Ha-ha-ha.
No, I know, I know that this is Frank's life, you know? I don't want to be all judgmental, but this is sick.
It's sick and wrong! Pheebs, what is it the age thing? No, no.
I'm fine with the age thing, until it starts sticking its tongue down my little brother's throat.
Pheebs, he seems to enjoy it.
But do you think he's going to enjoy it when he's up to his elbows in the diapers of all the babies they have to have right away? This is not fair to Frank, and it's not fair to the babies.
And you know what? It's not good home economics.
Well, have you told him how you feel? Yes.
Not out loud.
ROSS: Look, Pheebs, if you don't tell him, soon he's going to be married, and then you're going to hate yourself.
Yeah, but if I do tell him, then he's going to hate myself.
I mean, look at him and his mom.
I can't.
But you guys can.
Please, you got to talk him out of it.
BOTH: No, no, no, no, no, no Come on, you guys! You haveyouyou have nothing to lose.
I have everything to lose.
Do you want me to lose everything? Everything? BOTH [SOFTLY]: No.
Okay, I'm going to go get Frank.
We're walking down the street, and I turn to you and say: "Let's go hang out at Totally Nude Nudes.
" Remember? And then, heh, you say, "Let's just hang out at your place.
" Well, that was a nice move, dumb-ass.
I think you should definitely go out with this guy.
Nah.
He just doesn't do anything for me.
Monica, last Saturday night, what happened on "Walker, Texas Ranger"? Well, um, Walker was looking for this big busload of kids.
He washeh.
All right, I get your point.
- Hi.
- MONICA: Hey.
You know, I forgot the combination to this about a year ago.
I just carry it around.
- You got any Chap Stick? - Uh, yeah.
Hey, how are those tapes working out? Pretty good.
Good! I haven't smoked yet today.
I feel great and confident that is a stunning blouse.
Thank you.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
Okay, Mon.
Let's give Pete a chance.
Come on.
He was funny.
He seems really nice, and that check thing was adorable.
What check thing? As a joke, this customer at work who has a crush on me, gave me a $20,000 tip.
His number's on the check.
He just did it so I'd call.
Pete Becker.
Pete Is this him? That's Bill Clinton.
Who is he hugging? Oh, my God.
That's Pete! Why is Bill hugging Pete? This guy invented Moss 865.
Every office in the world uses that program.
- We use it! - There you go.
Oh, my God.
Monica's going to go out with a millionaire.
- No.
I'm not going to go out with him.
- Oh, my God.
I can't believe this is a real $20,000 check.
This is just so exciting.
Or incredibly offensive.
Well, yeah.
Sure, that, too.
What? All we're saying is, don't rush into anything.
Yeah.
Come on, think about it.
You're 18, okay? She's 44.
When you're 36, she's going to be 88.
What, you don't think I know that? Look, the point is, there's a lot of women out there you haven't even had sex with yet.
Yeah, he's right.
He's right.
This is your time, you know? You're young, you're weird chicks dig that.
Okay, but isn't sex better when it's with one person that you really, really care about? Yeah, in a poem, maybe.
No, the man's right.
That's what I had with Rachel.
You don't have it anymore? No, I, uh I slept with someone else.
Okay, so wait.
All right.
So how did that make things better? It didn't.
Okay, so what you used to have with Rachel is what I got with Alice.
Now what is that like? It's so cool, man.
It's 'cause being with her is so much better than, likenot being with her.
Yeah, yeah.
- Why can't I find that? - Don't ask me.
I had it and I blew it.
- Well, I want it! - You can have it! Maybe I can't.
Maybe there's something wrong with me.
No, it's out there, man.
I've seen it.
I got it.
- Then you hold on to it! - All right, man! All right, congratulations! You lucky bastard! You're Frank's best man?! I couldn't help it.
Their love is so pure.
Well, what about you, huh? I'm the ring bearer.
[KNOCKING] Hi! Oh, Alice, hi.
Thanks.
I'm so glad you could come.
I've got a real, um, Home Ec emergency.
- Oh, my God.
Who died on this? - Yeah, yeah, I know.
It's a real mustard-tastrophe.
[LAUGHING] - Can you help me? - Absolutely.
Okay, first, let's start with a little club soda and salt.
Then if that doesn't work, then we can go back to You know what? Forget it.
It's ruined.
Oh, no, never say that.
If you can't get it out, you can cut around the stain, add a little lace, you make a stylish throw.
Or instead, maybe, you could just not marry my brother Frank? Okay, that's great, but could we make it smaller? Can we make it fit on the head of a pin? I love when we make things fit on the head of a pin.
- Got it, yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
[INTERCOM BUZZES] You have a Ms.
Monica Geller here.
Uh, absolutely, yeah.
Send her in.
Hi.
What the hell is this? Hang on for a sec.
I'll talk to you in the morning? You got it.
- I'm sorry.
What? - Seriously what is this supposed to mean? Well, you know, I never know how much to tip.
You're supposed to double the tax not double the tax of Romania.
I mean, what's the deal? Are you trying to buy me? Is this the way you get girls to go out with you? MAN: UhI'm still here.
You're taking this all wrong, because if I didn't leave you that tip, you wouldn't have come down here, we wouldn't be having this argument, and there wouldn't be this, uh, heat between us.
- What? - Come on.
You got to, uh, admit that our relationship is hitting a new level now.
'Cause you used to be, like, the chef, and I was the customer, but now we're like this this couple that fights.
Okay, um, you're a loon, you know? Look, forget the check, okay? I like you.
I think you're great.
Come on, what do you say? I don't know Why not? 'Cause I don't want to encourage this kind of behavior.
One meal.
That's all I'm asking for.
Please.
We go out, we eat, and if you don't have a good time, I give you ten grand, we call it even.
- Hi - [SCREAMING] Aah! God! No! Wait, no.
Just put the mail down.
It's me.
Okay.
Sorry.
Why were you just, like, all in the dark? Oh, well, um, youryour laundry smelled so good that I thought I'd curl up in it.
- Is that all right? - Oh, yeah.
Sure.
So, how was your day? Well, just probably the worst one since I've been alive.
What, um what happened? UmAlice, uh she, uhcalled it off.
Oh, no.
Did, umdid she say why? Uh, no, not really.
Just that I was too young.
But I don't see how I could all of a sudden be too young, 'cause I'm older than I was when we first got together.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I don't I don't know.
But you know what? Maybe it's just all for the best.
Well, yeah, ifthe best is, like, unbelievable pain.
Oh, sweetieoh You know, I was just finally happy, you know? For the first time in my life after my dad left me and thenand thengetting arrested for stealing those birds and then theand then the whole punctured lung thing I can stit's still really hard to take deep breaths in cold weather, but with Alice, all that stuff kind of went away.
And now it'snow it's gone, and I don't know why! Uh, well, I can tell you why.
It'sit's because of me.
But you know what? I only did it because I love you, okay? - What? - Umwell, II kind of had a little chat with Alice, and I sort of made her see why you two shouldn't be together.
And you're going to see it, too, one day.
You really, really will.
Wait a minute.
Wait.
This is because of you? Okay Wait, no.
My mother didn't want us to be together, but the worst thing she ever did was tie me to the porch.
Okay, but Wait.
You know what? II came to you 'cause I thought you'd understand! Oh, no, I You know? Oh I would storm out of here right now, if I had some money or a place to go.
[DOOR SLAMS] Oh, my God.
The millionaire's here.
Oh, my God! You guys, please? I'm just going to have dinner with him, okay? Okay, okay, just because he buys you dinner does not mean you owe him anything.
I know.
Okay, then get the lobster.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hello.
Hey, how much cash you got in your pocket right now? And that's why I'm not inviting you in for a drink.
Bye! Why not? - Wait! - Why not a drink? - Where do you want to go? - Hey, you like pizza? - Ohthat sounds great.
- I know a great little place.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie That's amore Hey, you're not paying for the pizza.
Oh, come on, it's only fair.
You paid for the flight.
Now, is that enough lira? Uh, I'd throw another thousand on that.
- Well, how much is that? - That's about 60 cents.
Oh! Ooh [GROANING]: Every night! WOMAN: You don't need to smoke.
Cigarettes don't control you.
You are a strong, confident woman who does not need to smoke.
A strong, confident woman who does not need to smoke.
TV: So can I.
PHOEBE: Hey, Frank.
Look, okay, I know that you think I did this, like, totally evil thing, but I so didn't.
There's someone here who I think could explain this better than I can.
We can go look.
Hi, Frank.
HiMrs.
Knight.
Phoebe's right, Frank.
I know it's hard to hear, but it would have been wrong to go through with it.
I was being selfish.
Even though we want the same things right now, in the futurewe may not.
- Is that it? Is that what it is? - Yes, but not just that.
Right.
Not just that um even thoughwe love each other as much as we do, nonetheless - Nonetheless - Nonetheless um you're too young to to really know what you want All right, exactly.
All right, it's a good-bye kiss.
That's good.
Bye-bye.
Okay, no, the important thing is, is that you see what I'm saying.
You know, just, you know this is clearly wrong.
Okay, I've decided I'm going to let this happen.
Okay, can I just get my purse? - Mmm - Okay, all right, good.
WOMAN: Cigarettes don't control you.
You are a strong, confident woman who does not need to smoke.
[CLICK] [RUSTLING SOUNDS] JOEY: Joey's your best friend.
You want to make him a cheese sandwich every day ooh, ooh and you also want to buy him hundreds of dollars worth of pants.