Full House s01e02 Episode Script

Our Very First Night

- All right.
- And the diaper is on.
Beautiful! 17 minutes.
We beat our old record by 37 minutes.
- Baby wipe.
- Baby wipe.
Hold it.
I'm about to make a quantum leap in diaper theory.
- Go with it.
Go with it.
- If we triple the diaper we get three times the protection, but we change her one-third as often.
Loving it.
Loving it.
We put two diapers together, and Michelle Tanner, come on down! The other way to go is to tie a Hefty bag around her waist.
That way we'd only have to change her on trash day.
Junior jammie time.
- It's you.
- All right.
Here we go.
We put the leg in like so.
We simply.
We tie.
We tie.
We simply tie like this.
- Very nice.
- Whoa, snag in the plan.
I suggest we go with a lovely two-piece ensemble from Baby Armani.
Using your head, Joseph.
Using your head.
All right.
Hey.
Here we go.
Yeah.
- Oh, yuppie baby.
- Oh, this is good.
Okay, I got the girls in.
Gentlemen, Tarzan, who was raised in the jungle by apes went to bed in better shape than that baby.
Big deal.
You're talking about a guy who wore diapers his entire life.
I appreciate the effort, but I'll take it from here.
Oh, yeah, sure, now that all the work is done.
Good night, Michelle.
Good night, Uncle Jesse.
Next time you see me, I'll have a big surprise for you.
I don't care how many diapers I have on.
Give me my kid.
You really are a good sport.
- Hi, Uncle Jesse.
- How you doing, kid? - What's happened to my room? - Looks pretty cool, huh? Look at this, I'm hanging Elvis up right here.
Over my bunnies? Well, Steph, your bunnies are very pink.
My mom made those bunnies just for me.
Don't you like them? These bunnies.
I love these bunnies.
I'm sure Elvis had bunnies hanging all over Graceland.
Okay, it's riddle time.
What has blond hair, purple pajamas, and is up way past their bedtime? Elvis? Steph, the Sandman Express is coming.
All aboard! You see that? Any of your ape friends do that for Tarzan? Last stop, Stephanie's bed.
Thank you, Sandman Express.
And the Sandman Express runs every night.
If I get on now, will you drop me off at the nearest hotel? Okay, let's say good night.
- All right.
Good night, junior babes.
- Uncle Jesse, tell us a bedtime story.
Uncle Jesse doesn't know any stories.
Yes, he does.
- No, he doesn't.
- Yes, he does.
- No, he doesn't.
- Yes, he does.
I'll make one up! All right, fellas, help me out here.
We'll make it a game.
Steph, you start the story, and you girls point to us when you want someone to take over.
Okay.
Once upon a time, there was a pretty girl named Cinderella.
Daddy.
And Cinderella wanted to go to this big fancy ball.
And on the way, she wandered into this cabin and she fell asleep in Papa Bear's bed.
I don't think so.
No, wait, honey.
It gets better.
So she's on the bed, she's out like a light, when all of a sudden-- Joey.
When Cinderella woke up, she was real thirsty so she went to 7-Eleven for a Slurpee where she ran into Bullwinkle.
So Bullwinkle says, "Hello, Cinderella.
Would you like to come to the ball with me? Not only am I a great dancer but you can hang your coat on my antlers.
" Kids love this stuff.
So-- Uncle Jesse.
Cinderella, Bullwinkle, they get married, right? They go on The Newlywed Game and they win a grand prize selected especially for them.
Good night.
- Daddy.
- Until the Big Bad Wolf came over.
And he said, "Open up or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down.
And I can do it too, because as we all know wolves have an amazing lung capacity.
" - Joey.
- So-- Uncle Jesse.
So the wolf, the moose, the babe-- They all fell in love, right? They moved to Sweden, where people are a lot more cool about that sort of thing.
And that's the end of the story.
Good night and goodbye.
No monsters, no witches, but that story was very scary.
Okay, sweetheart.
It's time to go to bed.
- Can I ask one more favor? - Sure, honey.
What is it? Study these storybooks.
We'll talk about them in the morning.
Okay, who wants Puddleduck and the Quack Quack Gang? - Read it.
- Read it.
Joey, Danny, how you guys doing? Good night.
Hold it, guys.
Red light.
Guys, the only way that three adults can leave the house at the same time is if three children are with them.
Two adults can leave.
One adult can leave.
Three, two or one child can leave with one to three adults but three adults can never leave with less than three children.
Got it? Look, that's all fascinating, but I've got band rehearsal.
Yeah, and I have a 10:30 slot at the Laugh Machine.
I have to do the sports at 10:00.
I'm sorry, Jesse.
What do you mean, "I'm sorry, Jesse"? Why not "I'm sorry, Joey," or "I'm sorry, Danny"? Because I have an actual job that pays money.
And I bring the gift of laughter into the world at 10:30.
Yes, well, I make music.
Songs that touch people's hearts, that penetrate their very souls.
Now, how can you compare that to telling jokes? Are you seriously trying to tell me that music is more important than comedy? - You got it, pal.
- Two words: Ozzy Osbourne.
Two more words: Rip Taylor.
The Partridge Family.
Anyone on Hee Haw.
Charo.
Bozo.
- Hey, Bozo did some brilliant work.
- Oh, right, right.
The early Bozo was real good.
I'm sorry.
Okay, we'll settle this the only truly fair way.
Ready? Go! Once again, comedy kicks music's butt.
I'm sorry.
All three girls are sleeping like angels.
I know I can trust you.
If there's even-- Yeah, yeah.
Go live your life.
Hey, babe, it's fine.
I'll just give up my dreams of success in the music business.
I'll sit home and read Hunny-bunny in the Wee Little Glen.
- I couldn't put it down.
- Get out of here.
- Hi, Uncle Jesse.
- Hi, girls.
Girls.
You're supposed to be in bed.
Girls! Girls, aren't you supposed to be in bed, dreaming about Tweety Bird or Big Bird or Larry Bird or something? If we get hungry, Dad always makes sure we have a late-night snack.
We're gonna have ice-cream sundaes and chocolate milk.
- And cookies.
- Freeze, chick.
All right.
I know.
I'm pretty hip, here.
You guys think I'm an idiot or something? Let me tell you something.
I know what's going on here.
Your dad's gone, and it's "let's take advantage of the babysitter" time.
Well, I got news for you, girls.
Your Uncle Jesse's a little too sharp to be taken on that kind of ride.
You have ice cream and chocolate milk.
No cookies.
Okay.
Z, my name is Zippy And my husband's name is Zorro We come from San Francisco With a carload of zebras A, my name is Alice-- That's enough jump rope.
Let's do the hand-jive.
Okay, but I can't stop jumping.
I may never sleep again.
Thanks.
Two bowls of ice cream sure gives you a lot of pep, huh? Does "pep" mean you can't blink? That's pep.
Party time.
Fellas, I got three little girls upstairs, sound asleep.
Sticks.
Licorice.
All right.
Here we go.
"Jumpin' Jack Flash" in B.
Ready.
One, two, three, four! What's the matter? Someone out of tune? Do you guys know any Bangles stuff? Girls! You're supposed to be in bed! - What would your dad say? - He wouldn't mind.
He'd say we're really lucky to have a chance to listen to the greatest rock band in the world.
Well, yeah, if you put it that way.
Yeah, okay.
Great hair.
Could you show me how to do that? Sure, it's real easy.
Just sprays right on.
Oh, that's for me.
Oh, I bet my dad forgot to tell you about our 11:00 pizza.
- Hi.
How much? - $11.
50.
Did the cheese slide off or stick to the box? No.
Keep it.
- Do you mind if I check out the band? - Come on in.
Open party.
All right, girls.
Listen here, now.
It's almost midnight.
You guys listen to two, three songs max.
You eat your pie then straight to bed, no nonsense.
Boy, are you strict.
Conga! Boy, are you gonna get it.
Attention, Solid Gold farm team.
It's 12:15, and your hair is purple.
Get down, and I don't mean "get funky.
" Boys, boys, boys.
Walk with me.
Talk with me.
- How could you possibly let this happen? - Hold it.
On behalf of Joey, I would just like to say that Joey is innocent.
Well, it's true I was doing a conga when you walked in but I conga a lot.
My name is Joey, and I am a conga-holic.
Well, it's way past our bedtime.
Come on, Steph.
- Good night, everybody.
- Girls, get back over here.
You're in just as much trouble as they are.
- Dad, I know we're supposed to be-- - D.
J.
, hang on a second.
It's not the girls' fault.
It's mine.
I invited the band over.
I woke the girls up.
I ordered pizza.
I was throwing a party.
I needed chicks.
- Baby alert.
Baby alert.
- You girls get right in bed.
You guys, follow me.
And if that baby's hair is purple.
You were irresponsible.
You were unreliable.
I'll get back to you.
Oh, Michelle.
Honey, it's okay.
Daddy's here.
I see what this is.
Michelle's getting a new tooth.
That really hurts.
I had nothing to do with it.
Poor baby.
Imagine a sharp, pointy, calcified projectile ripping and knifing its way through your soft, tender, inflamed gum tissues.
I say we buy her a pony.
Sometimes a teething ring helps.
Here, Michelle.
Here you go.
Here, honey.
She loves it.
Is this anything like catching the bouquet? Am I the next one to have a baby? All right.
Excuse me, fellas.
Let the pro in.
I'll show you how it's done.
All right, little munchkin.
Where does it hurt? Wait a minute.
Give my finger back, kid.
Well, your brain's not working tonight, but your finger's doing great.
Do me a favor.
I put one of Michelle's teething rings in the freezer.
I'd like a word alone with the alleged babysitter.
I guess it's a bad time to ask for that girl singer's number.
Get out.
Well, well, well.
What, what, what? Shame, shame, shame.
Feel like I'm being chewed out in the Grand Canyon.
I suppose I should be happy the house is still standing.
I must have been crazy to think you were adult enough to take care of my kids.
You really let me down.
Wait a minute.
Where you going? I thought I'd call up the Beastie Boys and ask them if they wanna take the girls to the park tomorrow.
You love this, don't you? Uncle Jesse's the best babysitter we ever had.
Yeah, but I think he's in big trouble.
Get into bed.
No, no.
Your bed! Girls? Are you awake? Dad, is that you? Is it morning? D.
J.
, Stephanie, please come over here right now.
Girls, we have a problem with Uncle Jesse.
Oh, no, Dad, we didn't have any problems with Uncle Jesse at all.
I'm sorry.
He was just so irresponsible.
What is this? Empty bowls and empty cartons.
Oh, now I see what happened.
Uncle Jesse forced ice-cream sundaes and chocolate milk down your throats and then he hid the evidence under your table.
Oh, the sick fiend.
He probably ignored you when you told him no sweets after bedtime, huh? Probably.
No probably about it, because otherwise you'd be lying.
- You know better than that, don't you? - Probably.
Well, that does it.
I guess asking Uncle Jesse to move in here was just a big mistake.
In fact, this may be a matter for the police.
Now, sweet dreams, my perfect little angels.
- Daddy.
- Dad.
- We were bad.
- We did everything.
We even ordered the pizza.
We should all go apologize to Uncle Jesse.
You're right.
You go first.
Are you gonna punish us? Before you answer that.
We saved you a slice of pizza.
Good point, Michelle.
The thing I wonder is, what's life all about anyway? I mean, 24 hours ago I was a relatively cool guy.
Today I'm a six-foot teething ring.
All right, bedtime.
We're going to my bed.
Come with me.
Come on, let's go.
Okay, hang on.
I'll put it back.
There you go.
Come with me.
- Uncle Jesse? - Whatever it is, the answer's no.
We just wanted to say thanks for trying to keep us out of trouble.
The only reason we took advantage of you is because you had no idea what you were doing.
From now on, we'll be good and do whatever you say.
Steph, don't get crazy.
We'll try to do better.
You can cover up my bunnies if you want.
That's all right.
Your bunnies are growing on me.
- We really love you.
- Well, I love you girls too.
But next time you pull that stuff on me I'm still gonna love you.
Okay, now either you girls go to bed for real or I'm taking everything out of your room and turning it into a minimart.
- Good night, everybody.
- Good night, Daddy.
- Good night, Michelle and Uncle Jesse.
- Good night, honey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Want a slice of pizza? No.
Me and the little leech are gonna try to get some sleep.
I couldn't find Michelle's teething ring, so I got the next best thing: An ice-cold carrot.
What? I could've brought the fish sticks, but you would've thought I was an idiot.
Look, Jesse I want you to know it was nice of you to take the rap for D.
J.
and Stephanie.
And I'm real sorry I got so crazy before walking around you going, "Well, well, well.
" It's cool, cool, cool.
The girls just mean so much to me.
Especially now, you know, since Pam's gone.
I know what you're saying, man.
I worry about them too.
They're my nieces.
But I don't know nothing about this kid stuff.
Yeah, I know, but both you guys, you gotta remember: Don't be afraid to say no.
Kids need limits.
How am I to know? I been here 12 hours, you expect me to be Robert Young.
Now, wait, I'm confused.
Is it Robert Young from Father Knows Best or Robert Young, Dr.
Welby? This is gonna take some time but we can make this work if we want it to work.
Jesse, you do want this to work, don't you? Well, at first I wasn't sure but when I saw that kid telling me I could cover her bunnies up and I was looking at that little baby, counting on me to stop her pain I don't know, I got all warm and tingly-- And somebody stop me.
You know, I'm just happy to be here.
I was an only child.
All I had was imaginary brothers and sisters.
It feels great to be in a real house with real people.
Right, Leon? Give me my kid.
Okay, Michelle.
It's time to go to bed.
Yeah.
Lullaby and good night And there's more words I'm not sure of.
Conga! What the hell.
Come on, Leon.