Full House s01e04 Episode Script

The Return of Grandma

Cereal, cartoons, pajamas.
This is why God created Saturday.
Let's watch MTV.
Let's watch Bugs Bunny.
But, Steph, Bugs Bunny is kid stuff.
We gotta watch Yogi Bear.
But I like Bugs Bunny.
Yeah, but, Steph, every episode is the same.
Elmer Fudd says, "Why, you pesky rabbit.
" Then he takes a shot at Bugs.
Then Yosemite Sam comes in, "I hates that rabbit.
" And he takes a shot at Bugs.
I mean, with all that shooting going on I don't know why Bugs ever pops his head out of that hole.
Let's face it.
The rabbit has a death wish.
Better than watching Yogi steal the same picnic basket.
Morning, kids.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Dad.
I don't really see you eating cereal out of pots with wooden implements, do I? Yes, you do.
After breakfast, why don't we take this laundry to the bay and beat it against some rocks? Joey, can you come with me, right now, into the kitchen, please? What, now? I'll miss the start of Yogi.
It's not Agatha Christie.
You'll catch up.
Girls, take accurate notes.
It's Howdy Dirty Time.
Joey, the deal we made was, this is your week to take care of the dishes.
I'm just waiting till the dishwasher's full.
There, now we won't be wasting water.
Of course we won't.
There's no room for water.
Boy, what a night.
Jesse, what's going on here? You said you would do the laundry.
I did.
I did mine.
What about everybody else's laundry? Looks to me like they haven't touched it, the lazy bums.
Let me tell you this story.
Last night, my band's playing this gig in Chinatown.
A "Sweet and Sour 16 Party," if you will.
Anyway, I'm cruising home on my Harley.
I come to a red light.
I stop.
- Great story.
- And you told it great.
Fellas, I'm building.
I'm building.
Anyway, the light turns green, right? I try to move.
I can't.
There's something wedged under my tire.
Just then, this runaway street cleaner barrels through the intersection right where I would've been.
I came this close to being a really clean dead guy.
Fellas, I'd like to introduce to you the little dude that saved my life Bubba! I love this amphibian.
You just hate coming home alone, don't you? I gotta get my guitar.
Hold Bubba.
Keep him happy.
It just may save your life.
Joey, where are you? Don't let the girls see.
They'll want to keep him.
- Hide him.
- Where? - The pot.
- Okay.
- Under the pot.
- Okay.
Great idea.
- There you go.
- I don't see a turtle.
- Act casual.
- Oh, yeah.
Good word, "nonchalant.
" Joey, Yogi may be smarter than the average bear but he's much dumber than the average 3-year-old.
What's that? That? That's-- It's dinner.
It's roast beef.
Roast beef.
And where is our roast beef going? It's going to the oven.
Roast beef comes from turtle? Not my turtle, it doesn't.
- I love this amphibian.
- I love him too.
Can we keep him? Of course we can keep him.
Bubba's a hero.
- We'll take care of him for you.
- All right.
Are you sure, honey? That's a big responsibility.
- No problem.
- Let's go get Bubba settled.
He looks a little pasty.
What a great day.
We get a turtle and Grandma's coming to visit.
- Did you just say Grandma's coming? - That's what she said on the phone.
Well, why didn't you say something? Nobody asked me.
Steph, it's not possible for me to ask you every question.
Do you know how many questions there are in the world? Eight.
What time is Grandma coming, honey? Her plane gets in at 5:12, sugar hips.
Sweetheart, go upstairs and play with Bubba.
Joey, how did you know about my mother? I answered the phone when she called.
Why didn't you say something? Nobody asked me.
Found a home for Bubba.
It's calm, cool, comfortable.
Nobody flush, okay? All right, I'll shred him lunch.
I'll swat him dessert.
Jesse, forget about the turtle.
My mom's on her way.
Your mom's coming back? She just moved out.
She's coming to check up on me.
She doesn't think I can take care of things.
What? The place looks great.
You don't understand.
All my life, somebody's taken care of me.
First it was my mom, then I got married and it was Pam.
For the first time, I wanna prove to my mom and myself that I can take care of my family on my own.
Just me.
That's why I desperately need your help.
What do you want us to do? - Jesse, take another shot at the laundry.
- All right.
Joey, see if you can wedge some detergent into the dishwasher.
I'm gonna mop the floor.
Bad news, Danno.
We're out of detergent.
Ditto on the dish soap.
And we're out of floor wax.
Let's go shopping.
Whoa! - You're in your pajamas.
- I know.
I just woke up.
Oh, I get it.
I gotta go put clothes on.
Gee, I wish you could wear pajamas at the market.
He may need his mother.
, let's go.
Stephanie, hurry up.
Grandma's gonna be here in T-minus seven hours and counting.
Can't we wait till Yogi's over? Tape it.
Of course I'm gonna tape it.
I tape all of them.
It's just that Yogi is so much better live.
All right, we need turtle chow, leafy green.
There's no such thing as Fly Helper, is there? No, okay.
I got baby diapers, baby wipes, extra baby clothes, and baby's backpack.
- Great.
- Here's baby apple juice - and baby biter biscuits.
- Wonderful.
The baby loves music.
Do you think we should bring along the organ? I got it covered.
I'm bringing her crib blaster.
Okay, troops move out! - Don't forget Mr.
- That's right, honey.
Michelle won't go anywhere without Mr.
Let's go.
Everybody move it.
I am so sorry.
You won't remember this, will you? How many times do I have to tell you? Make a tinkle before you leave the house.
- Coming up.
- Coming up.
It's up.
- Coming up.
- Coming up.
Don't we have one of these? I'll take Michelle.
I hate this thing.
Only five hours before my mom shows up.
Here's the plan: I'll do the kitchen.
- Joey, do the living room.
- Jess, do the bedrooms.
Now, who's gonna do the toilets? - Oh, girls.
- Oh, girls.
Giddyup, Bubba.
Come on.
Come on.
Can I go next? Look at Bubba.
Have you ever seen a turtle that good with kids? D.
, go put Annie Oakley in her bunkhouse.
Jesse, find a corral for Trigger.
Joey, I'm all out of cowboy metaphors, so let's put away the grub.
I was wrong.
I had one left.
Hey, we've been shopping all morning.
How about a little Yogi break? Sit down with your family, here.
Watch the bear.
All right, but we're just gonna watch until Yogi steals a picnic basket.
He's got one.
- Grandma! - Grandma! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
My granddaughter is a turtle.
Michelle needs your love now more than ever.
Give me that.
This turtle saved my life.
Bubba, Claire.
Claire, Bubba.
- Hi.
- I love this amphibian.
Isn't he cool? Pet his head, Grandma.
He really likes that.
He's a reptile.
Hey, back off.
He's been nothing but nice to you.
Mom, what are you doing here so early? Joey said you'd be in at 5:12.
Try 12:05.
I guess you had to find out sooner or later.
My name is Joey, and I'm a time dyslexic.
I would have told you earlier, but I'm just not sure when earlier is.
Girls, will you just go on upstairs and clean your room.
How did she know our room is a mess? Grandma vision.
Mom, don't worry.
We're on the verge of a major cleanup.
- Aren't we, boys? - We were, but now what's the point? No one cleans a house like your ma.
Right, Joseph? - You're awesome, Mrs.
- Yeah.
So why don't we just get out of your way, and Claire, go nuts.
We'll catch a movie or something.
And, Mrs.
Tanner, if you happen to finish up before we get back I'd just like to leave you with these two words: Lamb chops.
Don't listen to him, Mom.
You can cook anything you want.
Honey, we're home.
Boys, we got some trouble.
I'd say we got trouble.
Look at this place.
It's a pigsty.
I think your ma has lost her touch.
She doesn't wanna clean up our mess.
She wants us to do it.
She wants us to do it? What's the matter? Can't you handle your ma? You wimp.
You're totally mommy-whipped.
I suppose you'd handle your mom differently? I play my ma like a piano.
Well, I'm glad you're back.
Come on in.
Your mom called our moms? - Hello, Jesse.
- Hi, Joey.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Mom.
I thought that Irene and Mindy would be very interested to see how you keep house.
Okay, piano man.
Why don't you show the wimp how to tickle those ivories.
Can I make you some tea? - Bravo.
- Stop it.
No tea, thank you-- Oh, tuck in your shirt.
- Ma! - Oh, Jesse.
All right.
I remember when you were 8 years old.
- Ma, please don't tell that story.
- No.
We love stories.
I'll never forget it.
My little Jesse tugged on my apron and said: "Mommy, can I please help you iron?" I said, "Sure.
Finish the sleeve.
" Must have been like when Babe Ruth picked up his first bat.
To this day, he's the only one I'll trust with my chiffon blouses.
To iron or wear? Hey, man, to iron.
Enough of this talking.
You boys have a lot of work to do.
So where's the vacuum cleaner? Vacuum cleaner? We'll handle this.
Mom, let's show them "The Hoover.
" Great.
You're just gonna love this.
- Mindy.
- Of course.
Now, Joey.
There was a time to have fun and a time to be serious.
Listen, girls.
I think one of us should be here at all times to see that things go properly.
After all, this is where our grandchildren live.
You are so right.
I can be here Monday through Wednesday.
- I'm free Thursdays and Fridays.
- That's wonderful.
And I can fly in - on the weekends.
So it's all settled.
- Terrific.
Boys, we are staring into the jaws of a never-ending living hell.
- What? - No offense.
Moms, I don't blame you for treating us like children.
Because sometimes that's how we act.
When we moved in here, we know we had some responsibilities to do but we haven't followed through.
From now on, we're really gonna buckle down.
Mothers, I have a proposition for you: You all go shopping for a couple of hours.
And if this place isn't clean by the time you get back you can all move in here and just run our lives forever.
Deal? Deal.
Okay, there's the bathroom.
There's the bathroom.
Same place it was last time we didn't clean it.
Here's a thought: Let's see if the girls finished their room? Loving it.
What happened? There's been a bedroom tornado.
We lost something.
Might that be your minds? We lost: What exactly is: --is what you say when you don't wanna say Bubba.
You lost Bubba? He loves that amphibian.
We're really sorry.
We turned our backs for one minute, and he was gone.
It's okay, girls.
I'm sure Bubba is somewhere in the house.
Guys, we're gonna turn this house upside down until we find that turtle.
Ready, go.
- Bubba! Bubba! Bubba! - Bubba! Bubba! Where are you? No Bubba? No Bubba.
Uncle Jesse, me and Steph will buy you another turtle.
You can have all my money: $2.
My advice is don't clean anymore.
Just move.
We'll be right with you.
We're having a little family problem here.
We'll look for Bubba for the rest of our lives.
It's all right.
Bubba's work here was done.
I'm sure he's out in the world saving other lives.
You mean, you're really not mad at us? You don't think we'd get mad over a stinky turtle? If you had four armpits and were an inch off the ground, how would you smell? Girls-- Girls, I know you feel bad.
But that's because you love Uncle Jesse and you feel like you let him down.
I know that losing Bubba was an accident.
You've gotta understand we're right behind you no matter what you do.
And if you ever have a problem, we'll be there for you.
That's right.
And if we have a problem, you'll be there for us too, right? All right.
Come here, you little munchkins.
Give us a hug.
All right! Next.
That is so sweet.
All right.
Enough of this warmth junk.
We're gonna have a great time living here, right, girls? - Yes, we are.
- You bet.
Just a minute, ladies.
We would like another shot at this, please.
Why don't you take the girls to the zoo for three hours? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
We got work to do.
All right? All right.
And break! - I split my pants! - Can't stand my pants.
Okay, guys.
We made it with five seconds to spare.
Come on.
Everybody up.
- Let's go.
Five - All right.
- four, three - Cool.
- two, one.
- All right.
We completely lost track of the time.
It's immaculate! Grandma Irene, does this mean hell is freezing over? Go on, find a speck of dirt, a microbe of filth.
I double dare you.
- Okay.
- All right.
That's not where those go.
You take grandma goodies upstairs and put them in the toy box now.
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
And he used to be the easy one.
Hold it! You're about to enter a sterile environment.
Don't even think about it.
Ma, what about those creases, huh? Jesse, you still have your touch.
Everything is just perfect.
Look, Mom.
You could eat off these dishes.
I am really proud of all of you.
Oh, honey.
Bank's closed.
Can you pay me in cash? Mom, I'd like you to meet my fiancée, Jennifer.
You gonna give me a grandchild? Not for this kind of money.
Here you go, Mrs.
Thanks for everything.
See you next weekend.
- Oh, sure.
- Okay, so we had a little help.
- Just with the hard stuff.
And the toilets.
- But we make a great team.
From now on, things are gonna go a lot smoother around here.
I'm sure they will.
Does that mean you won't need us anymore? They're good.
Of course we still need you.
You girls come by and visit anytime.
Listen, I have to admit I was worried about how you boys were managing the girls.
Well, you may be a little sloppy, but those kids are getting a lot of love.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Honey.
This is nice.
I wish Bubba was here to share this.
Bubba! I found him.
I love that amphibian.