Full House s01e15 Episode Script

A Pox in Our House

One, two, one, two, three.
All right! One more time! Hey, if we were all in the shower, you'd be begging for more.
I'd be begging to get out.
All right, guys.
Very good.
I'll see you at dress rehearsal tonight.
Goodbye.
- Goodbye - Goodbye, fellas.
- Goodbye - Very nice, guys.
Goodbye, goodbye Good - All right, see you at dress rehearsal-- - Bye - Goodbye! - Goodbye! Steph? Stephanie, honey, are you okay? I feel yucky.
Honey, let's see if you feel any better if I move you over to the couch, okay? Here you go.
There you are.
Now how do you feel, honey? I still feel yucky.
Let me check your forehead.
I think she feels a little warm.
Let me see that.
Here, let me see that.
Let me see.
Let me see that.
Check that one too.
I think they're all running a fever.
She's really got a fever.
Look at her, she's sweating.
Can I ask a question? Aren't I too young to get pimples? Stephanie, those aren't pimples.
I think they're chickenpox.
Chickenpox? I caught something from a chicken? No, you probably caught this from somebody at school.
Don't worry, you're gonna be fine.
Everybody gets chickenpox.
- I had them.
- I had them.
- I had them too.
- I never had them and I never will.
I'm immune to chickenpox.
You can't be immune to chickenpox.
Every kid in my school had them but me.
When you're an awesome physical specimen like my own bad self.
Germs take one look at my body and say: "Hey, why waste our time?" Women say the same thing.
That's right.
Okay, so I guess nobody here has to worry about catching chickenpox.
Oh, my god.
I got her.
Daddy, I'm itching, I'm itching.
Sweetheart, remember what the doctor said, "No scratching.
" How am I supposed to scratch with these on my hands? Honey, those help take away the itch.
They're magic oven mitts.
Dad, get real.
They're for TV dinners.
Any second, Uncle Jesse will be up here with something to help stop the itching.
It better help.
I gotta be all better by tomorrow.
That's when a real ballerina is coming to dance for my ballet class.
I know, but if you want to be better, you gotta get rest and drink plenty of fluids.
Rest.
Fluids.
Got it.
Hey, Steph.
Here's your juice.
Keep them coming, D.
J.
This time, orange juice but no pulp.
Wait till you get better.
All right, I found the calamine lotion.
- How do I look? - Like you should be spinning from the ceiling of a disco.
Steph, I found something that'll suck the itch right out.
Sit over here.
Here, take care of this.
- Thanks, Jesse.
- I'll lift the shirt.
- Hurry up! It's still itching! - All right.
- I hate this! - Get up here.
Let me tell you, when I had the chickenpox I never scratched them once.
And you know why? I haven't the slightest idea.
Because I got tough.
Now, let me hear you be tough.
Nice try.
Growling? Please.
Steph, what you need is state-of-the-art medical technology.
I give you Teddy Itch-No-More.
I'll try anything! Wait, let me show you how he works first.
- Okay, where does it itch the most? - My tummy.
Okay, scratch Teddy Itch-No-More on his tummy.
Yeah, now we're in business.
But wait.
You also get this special bonus gift.
Something to let us know when you need us.
- Oh, no.
- You didn't.
- Thanks, Joey.
- Yeah, thanks, Joey.
That's very nice.
Always thinking.
Here.
This ought to hold you for five minutes.
I hope so.
Okay, sweetheart.
Get in bed.
Now, I'll be here with you all weekend except for tomorrow afternoon when I have to finish my special report on the Golden State Warriors.
Thanks.
Your father is actually gonna put on a uniform warm up with the team and sit on the bench during a real game.
- Good for you.
- All right.
And if eight players get hurt and a peanut vendor, I'm in.
I got my dress rehearsal tonight, my doo-wop show tomorrow night but other than that, I'm yours.
And I'm available all weekend because unfortunately, I'm available all weekend.
Great, because I'm out of here.
I'm going to Sally Penzo's house for my very first slumber party.
I'm so nervous.
I'm in charge of making sure nobody falls asleep.
I don't mean to be rude, but I gotta get some rest.
Out, out, out.
She's really too cute to be your kid.
- What? - What is it, honey? Just testing.
Well, it works.
Dad, do I really have to sleep in the nursery? It's way too cute in here.
Stephanie needs her rest.
D.
J.
, are you telling me you aren't thrilled to death to share a room with this little bundle of baby fun? Well, that's not fair.
Good night, D.
J.
And good night, Michelle.
Something tells me I ought to check on Stephanie.
And kill Joey.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Okay, Michelle.
How many people think Michelle should go to sleep? I do.
One to nothing.
I win.
Well, night-night, Michelle.
Sleep tight.
No, Michelle.
This is not a slumber party.
Now, you need some sleep.
Lie down.
Now, Michelle, I mean it.
Go to sleep.
No bye-bye.
Night-night.
Sit.
Lie down.
This is a good finger.
D.
J.
, check this out.
Maybe if I hold the ball still and I spin I'll actually create the illusion that I can do this.
D.
J.
, hey, slow down.
You're not supposed to chugalug your cereal.
Sorry, they're picking me up in two minutes for my first slumber party.
I understand, but do you also want your very first Heimlich maneuver? Morning.
Oh, nice look, Jesse.
Did your blow dryer short out? - Oh, Jesse, what's wrong with you? - Nothing.
I'm fine.
Really I'm fine.
Morning, Joey.
I got a fever, I'm sweaty, I'm chilly.
Obviously, it's malaria.
Look at all these mosquito bites.
Those aren't mosquito bites.
Those are chickenpox.
That's impossible.
I'm immune.
You're immune to common sense.
Face it, you got the chickenpox.
Okay, but as soon as I'm over this, I'm immune.
Hello! Oh, hello, Mother.
How's Palm Springs? Oh, yeah, fine.
Everything's fine here.
Except Stephanie and Joey have the chickenpox.
What are you talking about? Mother, I had the chickenpox.
Remember how tough I was? It was an allergic reaction to wool? But I was still tough.
Yes, I know.
Fluids.
Lots of rest.
No dating.
Goodbye, Mother.
I'm in trouble.
The station is counting on me to be with the Warriors and I got two babysitters who can't go near the baby.
I've gotta find a sitter.
Well, gotta go.
I'll be right there.
You'll be fine, won't you, Dad? Oh, honey, I'll be fine.
Don't worry about me.
I'll just start calling around.
There's gotta be at least 20 sitters in here just dying to make $1.
50 an hour.
Honey, you go.
You go slumber party hearty.
Dad, that was almost hip.
You sure you'll be okay? - Oh, I'm positive.
Go, go, go.
- Okay.
Bye.
Great.
I've got 47 minutes to find a sitter.
Guys, I may be almost hip, but I am definitely in trouble.
Guys? Guys.
Goodbye, chickenpox prison.
Hello, ballerina.
Yikes! Where's my bacon, eggs, toast, juice and tea? Danny, where are you? On the phone, calling sitters.
All right, I'll give you a hand.
I'll write down exactly what I want.
Oh, where the heck is a pen when you need one? Must be sicker than I thought.
Please, you can't replace me.
I've shot all the other footage.
I've done all the other interviews.
Derek, I'm already wearing the suit.
I look really cute.
Yes.
Don't worry, I'll be there.
Right.
Thirty-seven minutes.
Thirty-seven minutes? - Danny.
- I'm coming! I wish chickenpox caused laryngitis.
Gotta find a babysitter.
I'm history.
Freeze! Well, well, well, what have we here? Hello, Mr.
Cochran.
And hello to you, little stranger.
Do I know you? I'm my friend Karen.
I just came by to visit poor little Stephanie.
Oh, that's very considerate of you, Karen.
She's missing a real ballerina.
Well, why don't you go upstairs and say hi.
As you know, Stephanie's very sick with the chickenpox and shouldn't be going anywhere.
Chickenpox? I better get out of here.
Not so fast, Karen.
It's too late.
Probably already got them from me.
Uncle Jesse, you have the chickenpox too? What was that, Karen? I mean, Mr.
Uncle.
I mean, Uncle Cochran.
I mean, Jesse.
Mister.
I mean.
I.
I.
I can't take it anymore.
It's me.
It's me.
Stephanie.
Unbelievable.
Stephanie-- I could have sworn it was Lauren Bacall.
Now what are you doing out of bed, young lady? I'm all better.
What are those bumps all over you? Those are my all-better bumps.
I wish they were, kid, but we both know they're not.
- Now, come on.
- Be careful.
- My chickenpox.
- Right, yeah.
All right.
Now, Stephanie unfortunately, being sick sometimes means having to miss out on something that you really wanna do.
But the trick is, you gotta be tough like your Uncle Jesse.
Does this mean you don't care about missing your doo-wop show? Oh, I gotta miss my doo-wop show.
Remember what you told me: Be tough.
Come on, kid.
I'll get you some P.
J.
s, all right? Here we go.
The chicken-pock twins.
Get the strut down, get the chicken strut.
That's it.
Joseph, it's just not fair.
Who ever said life is fair? Two grown men dabbing goop on their bodies, I call that unfair! You think this is unfair? Let's talk about salmon, shall we? Salmon wait their whole lives to swim hundreds of miles upstream make love once and drop dead.
Now, that is unfair.
What the hell are you talking about? I am talking about making the best of a situation.
Sure, I'm itching.
But I'm itching with a smile on my face.
Itch.
Dab.
Itch.
Dab.
Itch.
Dab, dab, dab.
You, my friend, are a wimp.
You think that because I itch, I'm a wimp? No, there's quite a few other reasons, Joseph.
Let's just see who scratches first, shall we? Fine.
That's a beaut up there on that forehead of yours.
- Yeah? - Bet you'd love to take a rake to that baby.
Check out that red, throbbing strobe light on your nose.
Yeah.
Yeah, that one.
Yeah, if this were December, you'd find yourself pulling a sleigh full of toys.
You know, I was wondering - what I would look like with a beard.
- Scratching! I was wondering! You know, you got me wondering a little myself.
I'm feeling a little hefty.
Joseph, am I putting on any weight here? - Scratching! - I was wondering! Just like you, wondering, wondering, wondering.
Even.
These clothes are killing me! - You know, I got an idea.
- What? If you scratch me and I scratch you, then we're both still tough guys, right? Tough yet resourceful.
Get my back! Get mine, get mine, get mine.
- Together.
Down.
- Up.
- Down.
- Up.
Shoulders, shoulders.
- Scratch my head.
- Thank you.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Hello, Mr.
Zuckerman.
Hi, this is Danny Tanner.
Yeah, I desperately need a babysitter.
Is your daughter home? Well, how about you? Have you ever considered picking up a little extra change babysitting? Hello? Hello? "Oh" is right.
That's it, Michelle.
The end of the list.
You have any luck? Don't tease me like that.
I'm dead.
Unless I call up Sally Penzo's house and get ahold of D.
J.
before she goes to Carmel for the slumber party.
Yeah, then she could make it back in time, and I could get to my game.
Oh, but, Michelle, she's been looking forward to this for weeks.
It's her very first slumber party.
But then again, it's my very first Warriors game.
But if she misses that party, it's gonna break her heart.
What do you think, Michelle? Should I call up D.
J.
or not? Very tempting.
But I just can't do that to D.
J.
We could still play, though.
Yeah, let's call each other.
Hello, Michelle.
Hi, it's Daddy.
You hung up on your father? Here's some tuna fish and soup It's nutritious and delicious And it's great to fight infection For the family that I love - Joey? - I'm not hungry.
- Jesse.
- Me neither.
- Steph? - I'm nauseous.
Slide over.
I'm not going anywhere.
No sitter? Just the one you're looking at.
I can't believe I'm gonna miss my game.
- Hi, everybody.
- D.
J.
, you're back.
What are you doing here? Wanted to make sure you had a babysitter.
Need one? Yes.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
- You better leave.
You're gonna be late.
- No, I might just make it now.
Is this a terrific kid or what? You gave up your slumber party for me? D.
J.
, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Yeah, well, there'll be other parties.
Dad, you do so much for me.
This is my chance to do something nice for you.
Isn't that what being part of a family's all about? Do you hear this? - You really are growing up.
- It's not fun.
D.
J.
, you're becoming very mature and responsible.
Yeah, and I guess having me for an uncle is starting to rub off on you, D.
J.
Uncle Jesse, you're delirious.
- If you're not leaving, I'm going back.
- I'm out of here.
I'm out of here.
I am just so honored to be part of this family.
Guys, we really are doing something right.
D.
J.
, you are one terrific kid.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Dad, I'm leaving.
- I'm gone.
I'm gone.
Thank you, bye.
The man loves to hug.
You guys don't need anything, do you? - Get my guitar.
- I'd like my coloring books - Get me orange juice.
- and some colors and paper dolls and some tissues and.
Bring my Rolling Stone down here.
Bring my phone book.
Get my phone book.