Full House s04e03 Episode Script

The I.Q. Man

"AND THE HANDSOME PRINCE SAID ALL THESE WORDS.
THE END.
" MICHELLE! DADDY'S COMING.
NO BARKING.
WOOF! SHH! MICHELLE HONEY, DID YOU TUCK YOURSELF IN ALREADY? DADDY, I'M SLEEPING.
WELL, FIRST I WANT MY GOOD-NIGHT KISS.
OH.
MICHELLE, WHAT WET LIPS YOU HAVE.
HONEY HOW DID COMET GET IN YOUR BED? YOU GOT ME.
YOU KNOW THE RULES.
NO DOGS IN BED.
YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE, MISTER! CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
* OHH * * WHATEVER HAPPENED TO PREDICTABILITY * * THE MILKMAN, THE PAPER BOY, EVENING TV * * HOW DID I GET DELIVERED HERE * * SOMEBODY TELL ME, PLEASE * * THIS OLD WORLD'S CONFUSIN' ME * * CLOUDS AS MEAN AS YOU'VE EVER SEEN * * THERE AIN'T A BIRD WHO KNOWS YOUR TUNE * * THEN A LITTLE VOICE INSIDE YOU WHISPERS * * KID, DON'T SELL YOUR DREAMS SO SOON * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * THERE'S A HEART, THERE'S A HEART * * A HAND TO HOLD ONTO * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * THERE'S A FACE * * OF SOMEBODY WHO NEEDS YOU * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * WHEN YOU'RE LOST OUT THERE * * AND YOU'RE ALL ALONE * * A LIGHT IS WAITIN' TO CARRY YOU HOME * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * DOOBIE DOO BAH BAH DAH ** I'M NOT GONNA SNEEZE.
I'M NOT GONNA SNEEZE.
AHH THANK YOU, NOSE.
AH-CHOO! HAPPY NEW YEAR! IT'S NOT A HOLIDAY, MICHELLE.
I HAVE A HORRIBLE COLD.
I'LL MAKE YOU ALL BETTER.
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.
WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING? MAKING YOU A CHICKEN SOUP.
ARE YOU READY TO PITCH THAT BIG ACCOUNT TODAY, JESS? LOOKING GOOD, JOSEPH.
LOOKING SHARP, JESS.
I'M PUMPED.
I'M PSYCHED.
HOLD IT.
I'M NOT GOING IN THERE WITH A DENTED HEAD.
GOOD THINKING.
STEPH, GIVE MY LOVE TO THE THIRD GRADE.
WE'RE OUT OF HERE.
WE'RE GONE.
AH-CHOO! AH-CHOO! AH-CHOO! WE'RE BACK.
DON'T WORRY.
IT'S JUST MY NOSE, MY THROAT, MY EARS, MY CHEST.
I'M FALLING APART.
THAT'S IT.
NO SCHOOL FOR YOU TODAY, YOUNG LADY.
GET YOUR PJs ON AND UP TO BED.
BUT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO SEE A FILMSTRIP ON HOW THEY MAKE CHEESE.
YOU KNOW, THAT BED IS SOUNDING BETTER AND BETTER.
FINISH YOUR SOUP, YOUNG LADY! HOWDY, BOYS.
OH, GOOD.
KIMMY'S GONE COUNTRY.
D.
J.
! COMING! HI, KIMMY.
OH, GUYS, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
I'M IN CHARGE OF CAREER DAY.
WILL YOU GUYS COME DOWN TO MY SCHOOL NEXT WEEK AND TALK ABOUT ADVERTISING? YEAH, SURE, DEEJ.
WE'RE THERE FOR YOU, BABE.
I'M THERE FOR YOU TOO, BABE.
WELL, THANKS, DAD, BUT YOU'RE PROBABLY BUSY.
OH, I'M NEVER TOO BUSY TO INSPIRE THE YOUTH OF AMERICA.
I GUESS THIS IS WHERE IT PAYS OFF REALLY BIG HAVING A DAD WHO'S THE STAR OF WAKE UP, SAN FRANCISCO, HUH? TELL HIM.
I CAN'T.
LOOK HOW HAPPY HE IS.
YEAH, HE IS HAPPY.
I'LL TELL HIM.
WE DON'T NEED YOU, MR.
T.
WE ALREADY BOOKED A BIG TV STAR.
BIGGER THAN ME? JIMMY CHUNG SAID HE COULD GET HIS AUNT CONNIE.
CONNIE CHUNG? YOU BOOKED CONNIE CHUNG FOR CAREER DAY? I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET HER ON MY SHOW FOR YEARS.
TELL YOU WHAT, HAVE YOUR PEOPLE CALL MY PEOPLE.
D.
J I KNOW, DAD.
MAKE KNEW FRIENDS.
WE WOULD REALLY LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR SWITCHING THE MEETING TO OUR HOUSE.
YES.
I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND IT WAS WORTH THE INCONVENIENCE.
I'M SURE I WILL.
I'M GONNA GO GET READY IN THE GETTING READY AREA.
EXCUSE ME.
WAIT TILL YOU SEE WHAT MY BOYS HAVE COOKED UP FOR YOU.
TAKE IT AWAY, GLADSTONE.
THANK YOU, MR.
MALATESTA.
MS.
GARLAND, MY PARTNER AND I ARE GONNA MAKE YOUR NEW MEN'S COLOGNE, I.
Q.
, THE SMELL OF THE NINETIES.
JOEY! JOEY, THE SNEEZE JUICE IS BACKING UP INTO MY EARS.
EXCUSE US.
IT'S TIME FOR HER NOSE DROPS.
OK, TILT BACK, STEPH.
SHE'S VERY LIMBER.
OK, FIRE ONE.
[MAKES MISSILE SOUND] FIRE TWO.
[MAKES MISSILE SOUND] IT'S WORKING.
HEY, I CAN BREATHE AGAIN.
[SNIFF] SOMETHING'S REALLY STINKY.
HA HA HA! WELL, WE KNOW IT'S NOT THE SMELL OF THE NINETIES.
THERE YOU ARE.
I MADE YOU SOME ORANGE JUICE.
IT, UH SURE DOES LOOK FRESH.
YOU, BACK TO BED.
RIGHT NOW.
MOVE IT! BUT MICHELLE I SAID MOVE IT, MISTER! KIDS! OK, WE FADE IN ON AN ELEGANT LIBRARY.
WE PAN OVER TO A PORTRAIT OF A GODDESS DRAPED IN BUT A WISP OF CHIFFON.
AS THE CLASSICAL MUSIC SWELLS, A GREAT INTELLECT ENTERS-- THE SUAVE, CLASSY, DEBONAIR I.
Q.
MAN.
I WANT TO KNOW IF I CAN LIVE WITH WHAT I KNOW.
AND ONLY THAT.
AS THE I.
Q.
MAN PONDERS THAT THOUGHT HMM A DREAMLIKE MIST FILLS THE ROOM.
SUDDENLY THE GODDESS IN THE PAINTING COMES TO LIFE.
SHE'S DRAWN TO THE I.
Q.
MAN BY A MYSTERIOUS POWER.
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT HIM I CAN'T RESIST.
IS IT HIS EYES? IS IT HIS SMILE? IS IT-- STOP! IF YOU MUST LOVE ME LOVE ME FOR MY I.
Q.
I.
Q.
NOW AVAILABLE IN BIODEGRADABLE ROLL-ON.
THAT MADE ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE AT ALL.
IT'S THE PERFECT COLOGNE AD.
YOU GOT THE JOB.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
THANKS VERY MUCH.
JESSE AND I WILL DIRECT THE COMMERCIAL.
RIGHT? AND WE'LL FIND THE PERFECT I.
Q.
MAN FOR YOU.
OH, YOU'VE ALREADY FOUND HIM.
YOU.
ME? AHEM.
ME? NO, I'M NOT A MODEL.
YOU'RE HOT.
NAH.
YOU'RE SEXY.
NO.
YOU'VE GOT GREAT HAIR.
OK, YOU GOT ONE.
BUT NO, I WOULD FEEL SILLY.
HE WOULD LOVE TO DO THIS.
WONDERFUL.
EXCUSE US A SECOND, WON'T YOU? JOSEPH.
I'M NOT DOING THIS.
I'M NOT GONNA PRANCE AROUND LIKE SOME SMILING SLAB OF BEEF.
JESS, THIS IS THE BIGGEST BREAK OF OUR CAREERS.
NOW, DON'T BLOW IT JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE THIS WEIRD HANG-UP ABOUT BEEF.
KATSOPOLIS, LET ME EXPLAIN YOUR OPTIONS TO YOU.
EITHER YOU DO IT, YOU DO IT OR YOU DO IT.
WHAT WAS THE SECOND ONE AGAIN? HI, DAD.
HOLA, BECKY.
HI GIRLS.
WELL, HAVE A GREAT CAREER DAY.
SEND MY REGARDS TO CONNIE CHUNG.
BOY, MR.
T.
, YOU SURE DO LOOK SNAPPY IN EARTH TONES.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, GIBBLER? DAD, REMEMBER JIMMY CHUNG, THE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR? OH, I'M JUST TAKING A SHOT, BUT HE COULDN'T GET HIS AUNT CONNIE, HUH? HE DOESN'T HAVE AN AUNT CONNIE.
HIS NAME'S NOT EVEN CHUNG.
WELL WHAT DO YOU KNOW? LOOKS LIKE YOU TWO ARE IN THE MARKET FOR A MAJOR TV STAR.
OH, KIMMY, KIMMY, KIMMY.
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE YOUR PEOPLE CALL MY PEOPLE? I'LL DO IT.
THANKS, BECKY.
BE THERE RIGHT AFTER LUNCH.
OK.
WHOA, GIRLS, UH CAN'T A GUY MAKE A JOKE? YOU KNOW I DON'T HAVE ANY PEOPLE.
YOU'RE MY PEOPLE.
IT'S OK, DAD.
YOU CAN DO IT.
I SHOULD'VE ASKED YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.
I JUST GOT CAUGHT UP IN CHUNG-MANIA.
OH, DIDN'T WE ALL.
WHAT IS THIS? THIS ISN'T WHAT WE ORDERED.
WE ORDERED A LIBRARY SET, NOT A BATHROOM SET.
OK, STRIKE IT.
STRIKE THE SET.
WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS? THIS WAS MS.
GARLAND'S IDEA.
OK, PEOPLE, BACK TO WORK.
COME ON, LET'S MOVE IT.
LET'S GO.
I JUST COULDN'T SEE THE I.
Q.
MAN IN A LIBRARY.
IN FACT, THE MORE I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THE MORE I SAW YOU IN THE SHOWER.
WHY WOULD I WEAR A SMOKING JACKET IN THE SHOWER? EXACTLY.
THAT'S WHY YOU'LL BE WEARING THIS.
AND ACTION! I WANT TO KNOW IF I CAN LIVE WITH WHAT I KNOW AND ONLY THAT.
CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT.
JESS, THE CONCEPT IS THE I.
Q.
MAN, NOT THE I.
Q.
HEAD.
TOO BAD.
THE HEAD'S ALL YOU'RE GETTING.
MAYBE ICE COLD WATER WILL HELP HIM OVER HIS SHYNESS.
OHH! OK, OK! I'M OUT! I'M OUT! GOOD.
NO, NO.
NO NEED TO DRY OFF.
IN FACT, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOUR BODY WETTER.
THE WETTER, THE BETTER.
EXCUSE US, WON'T YOU? JOSEPH, HOP ON.
YOU SEE? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
I'M NOTHING BUT A BIG MAC IN A BATH TOWEL.
JOEY, I'M NOT A HAMBURGER.
I HAPPEN TO BE A HUMAN BEING.
JESS, BUDDY, AS LONG AS I'M THE DIRECTOR, YOU WILL BE TREATED WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT.
THANK YOU.
OK, HOSE HIM DOWN.
HOLD IT! WATCH THE HAIR.
EXCUSE ME.
TAKE TWO.
OK, THIS TIME, GIVE ME MORE STEAM.
AND ACTION! I WANT-- [COUGH] I WANT TO KNOW IF I CAN LIVE-- [COUGH] WITH WHAT I KNOW AND ONLY THAT.
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT HIM I CAN'T RESIST.
IS IT HIS EYES? IS IT HIS SMILE? IS IT HIS-- STOP.
IF YOU MUST LOVE ME, LOVE ME FOR MY I-- MY I-- I'M IN A BATH TOWEL.
I'M IN A BATH TOWEL HERE.
COME ON, JESSE, WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? IT'S NOT WORKING, OK? HE'S RIGHT, IT'S NOT WORKING.
THANK YOU.
THAT TOWEL'S MUCH TOO BIG.
CUT.
CUT.
NOT YOU! NOT YOU! JESSE I WON'T HURT YOU.
MALATESTA, WILL YOU HELP ME OUT HERE, PLEASE? SHE'S THE CLIENT.
SHE'S CHASING ME WITH SCISSORS.
SO? STOP RUNNING.
I WON'T STAND HERE AND BE EXPLOITED BY YOU.
KATSOPOLIS, AS LONG AS YOU'RE WORKING FOR ME, YOU WILL DO EXACTLY WHAT SHE SAYS.
OK.
FROM NOW ON, WE DON'T WORK FOR YOU.
WE QUIT.
YOU'RE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE.
THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I EVER MADE WAS WORKING FOR A SPINELESS JELLYFISH LIKE YOU.
WHAT? UH, SIR, YOU KNOW, IN MANY PARTS OF THE WORLD, A SPINELESS JELLYFISH IS CONSIDERED A DELICACY.
LET'S GO.
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, GLADSTONE.
YOU KNOW JUST WHEN TO KISS UP.
I AM A KISS-UP, AREN'T I? ONE OF THE BEST.
I SOLD YOU OUT, DIDN'T I? JOEY, YOU HOSED ME DOWN.
JOSEPH, WE'RE PARTNERS AND FRIENDS.
THIS MAN IS NOT A HAMBURGER, AND I AM NOT A SIDE OF FRIES, AND YOU, SIR, ARE A CHICKEN McNUGGET! JOEY, ARE YOU GOING TO QUIT OR ORDER A HAPPY MEAL? WE'RE QUITTING.
THAT'S MY PARTNER.
COME ON.
WE GOT BETTER PLACES TO BE.
WE JUST LOST OUR JOBS.
WHERE ARE WE GOING? CAREER DAY.
THANKS MR.
KRAUS FOR INTRODUCING US TO THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF MEAT.
AND NOW, AS WE MOVE INTO THE FIELD OF TV ENTERTAINMENT, I'LL LIKE TO APOLOGIZE ONCE AGAIN FOR THE UNFORTUNATE CONNIE CHUNG INCIDENT.
MAN! AW, MAN! BUT, JUST AS EXCITING, WE HAVE THE CO-HOSTS OF WAKE UP, SAN FRANCISCO.
LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR DANNY TANNER AND REBECCA DONALDSON! HOO! HOO! HOO! HOO! HOO! HOO HOO WHO ARE RIGHT HERE.
WAKE UP, VAN ATTA JUNIOR HIGH.
I'M DANNY TANNER.
AND I'M REBECCA DONALDSON.
AND THIS IS BASICALLY WHAT WE DO-- WE TALK TO EACH OTHER AND TO OUR GUESTS, AND WE LISTEN, AND WE FINISH EACH OTHER'S SENTENCES.
OK.
NOW, LOOKING AS I AM RIGHT NOW AT YOUR BEAUTIFUL, SHINY, ROUND LITTLE FACES, I'M REMINDED OF MY FIRST JOB IN TELEVISION.
I WAS ASSISTANT STOCK BOY AT ANTENNA TOWN.
AND, YOU KNOW, IT REMINDS ME OF A LONG STORY-- DANNY, LOOK.
OUR FIRST QUESTION.
HOW TALL IS CONNIE CHUNG? CONNIE CHUNG IS NOT HERE.
I AM, AND I'M 6'4".
THANKS A LOT.
YEAH, BUT IF SHE WERE HERE, HOW TALL WOULD SHE BE? WHO DOES CONNIE'S HAIR? YEAH.
THAT'S IT! LET'S FACE IT.
CONNIE CHUNG COULDN'T MAKE IT, SO JUST GET OVER IT.
OH, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
FROM AN EXCITING WORLD OF ADVERTISING, JESSE KATSOPOLIS AND JOEY GLADSTONE.
COME ON DOWN! THANKS, GUYS.
"THANKS, GUYS"? THAT'S IT FOR ME AND REBECCA? THE BUTCHER HAD 10 MINUTES.
SORRY DAD, BUT CLASS IS ALMOST OVER, AND THE BUTCHER GAVE OUT MIDGET SALAMIS.
HEY, I'M NOT ABOVE BRIBES.
IN FACT THIS KIDS WOULD LIKE SOME AUTOGRAPHED PICTURES OF ME.
I BROUGHT THE PICTURES I HAVE A SPECIAL FELT MARKER AND EVERYTHING.
DANNY, IT'S OVER.
TAKE IT AWAY, BOYS.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANKS.
THANK YOU.
HI.
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU REALLY STOP AND THINK ABOUT IT, THIS WHOLE CAREER THING IS OVERRATED.
I MEAN, THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE.
RIGHT, JOEY? SURE, LIKE A WELL-BALANCED BREAKFAST.
RIGHT.
AND REALLY COOL SUNGLASSES.
YEAH, AND STRONG WATER PRESSURE IN THE SHOWER.
THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
YEAH.
THAT WOULD BE DID YOU GUYS LOSE YOUR JOBS OR SOMETHING? ZIP IT, GIBBLER.
WE HAVE SOMETHING MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN JOBS.
YEAH.
WE HAVE OUR INTEGRITY.
HOW MUCH DOES THAT PAY AN HOUR? [BELL RINGS] SO REMEMBER, KIDS, ALWAYS KEEP YOUR HEADS HELD HIGH AND ALWAYS CARRY EXACT BUS CHANGE.
AND REMEMBER, NO RUNNING IN THE HALLWAYS.
I THINK YOU REALLY MOVED THEM.
YEAH.
I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU GUYS.
WHAT HAPPENED? OH, OUR BOSS JUST PUSHED US TOO FAR.
WE QUIT.
LOOK, I'M THE LAST ONE TO GIVE ADVICE.
OK, I'M THE FIRST ONE.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO INTO BUSINESS FOR YOURSELVES.
YOU COULD WRITE AND MARKET YOUR OWN COMMERCIALS AND DIRECT THEM FOR YOUR OWN PRODUCTION COMPANY.
YEAH, WE JUST LEARNED ABOUT THIS.
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS GET A SMALL BUSINESS LOAN? THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
I MEAN, YOU'VE GOT THE EXPERIENCE, THE TALENT, THE CONTACTS.
ALL YOU NEED IS TO RENT SOME EQUIPMENT.
AND FIND SOME STUDIO SPACE.
AND PRINT UP BUSINESS CARDS.
THAT'S IT! WE'RE IN BUSINESS! CONGRATULATIONS! WE HAVE OUR OWN BUSINESS.
WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED? TISSUE, TISSUE, TISSUE.
AH-CHOO! THANK YOU.
HOW RUDE.
YOU GAVE ME YOUR COLD.
TAKE IT BACK.
NO CAN DO.
ONCE IT'S OUT OF MY NOSE, IT'S OUT OF MY HANDS.
HI, GIRLS.
HI, JOEY.
HI, JOEY.
HOW ARE YOU, MICHELLE? SHE MAKES ME SICK.
WHAT SHE MEANS IS I GAVE HER MY COLD.
WELL, I'M SORRY YOU GOT STEPHIE'S COLD, BUT YOU KNOW THE GOOD NEWS? SINCE YOU TOOK SUCH GOOD CARE OF STEPHIE, I'M SURE STEPHIE'S GONNA TAKE REALLY GOOD CARE OF YOU.
RIGHT, STEPH? NICE GUILT TRIP, JOEY.
YEAH, IT WAS, WASN'T IT? BYE, GIRLS.
IN THE WORDS OF MICHELLE TANNER, "YOU, UPSTAIRS, INTO BED.
MOVE IT, MISTER.
MOVE IT.
" CHILL OUT, DUDE.
HEY JOEY, BAD NEWS FOR DOUBLE "J" CREATIVE SERVICES-- THE BANK TURNED DOWN OUR BUSINESS LOAN.
HOW COULD THEY DO THAT? OH, I DON'T KNOWN, MAYBE 'CAUSE WE HAVE NO EXPERIENCE RUNNING OUR OWN BUSINESS, NO COLLATERAL, NO CREDIT RATING.
WHY DO YOU THINK THEY TURNED US DOWN? HEY, JUST 'CAUSE YOU'RE CRANKY AND UNEMPLOYED, DON'T TAKE IT OUT ON ME.
GUYS, I HEARD ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AT THE BANK.
AND I THINK I HAVE A WAY TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
I DON'T KNOW, DON'T TELL ME YOU GONNA SING THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM AGAIN.
NO.
I AM JUST GONNA HUM IT WHILE YOU TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
[HUMMING THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM] THIS IS A PERSONAL CHECK FROM DANNY TANNER.
[HUMMING LOUDER] DANNY, STOP HUMMING! [HUMS SOFTLY] WHY ARE YOU GIVING US ALL THIS MONEY? 'CAUSE I BELIEVE IN YOU GUYS.
AFTER ALL YOU'VE DONE FOR ME, I'M HAPPY TO DO THIS FOR YOU.
BUT THIS-- THIS IS NOT A GIFT IT'S AN INVESTMENT.
I WANNA BE A PARTNER IN YOUR SUCCESS.
DANNY, THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.
WOW, THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.
YOU'RE SO-- DID YOU SAY PARTNER? WELL, SILENT PARTNER.
COME ON, WHAT DO YOU SAY? I'LL BE TOTALLY CLOSE-MOUTHED.
NO BUTTING IN, I'LL KEEP MY NOSE OUT OF IT, MIND MY OWN BUSINESS.
MY LIPS ARE SEALED.
NOT A PEEP OUT OF ME.
IF YOU'D SHUT UP FOR ONE MINUTE, WE COULD TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE IN.
YEAH? ALL RIGHT! DOUBLE "J" AND "D" CREATIVE SERVICES.
OF COURSE THE "D" IS SILENT.
[HUMMING THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM] COME ON.
SING, BOYS.
[HUMMING THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM] HUM WITH ME.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL