Full House s04e16 Episode Script
Stephanie Gets Framed
UP AND DOWN, UP AND DOWN, UP AND DOWN, UP AND DOWN, DADDY, I'M READY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
JUST DOING MY JOB.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
* WHATEVER HAPPENED TO PREDICTABILITY * * THE MILKMAN, THE PAPER BOY * * EVENIN' TV? * * HOW DID I GET DELIVERED HERE? * * SOMEBODY TELL ME, PLEASE * * THIS OLD WORLD'S * * CONFUSIN' ME * * CLOUDS AS MEAN AS YOU'VE EVER SEEN * * AIN'T A BIRD WHO KNOWS YOUR TUNE * * THEN A LITTLE VOICE INSIDE YOU WHISPERS * * KID, DON'T SELL YOUR DREAMS SO SOON * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * THERE'S A HEART * * THERE'S A HEART * * A HAND TO HOLD ONTO * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * THERE'S A FACE OF SOMEBODY WHO NEEDS YOU * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * WHEN YOU'RE LOST OUT THERE * * AND YOU'RE ALL ALONE * * A LIGHT IS WAITIN' * * TO CARRY YOU HOME * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * DO BE DO BA BA DA ** UP YOU GO.
I'M WAITING.
HEY, MICHELLE.
HOW YOU DOING? THIS YO-YO IS BROKEN.
I HAVE SOMETHING BETTER FOR YOU.
SINCE I OPENED MY OWN SAVINGS ACCOUNT, I WANT YOU TO HAVE MY OLD PIGGY BANK.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HEY, WHERE'S THE MONEY? YOU HAVE TO EARN IT YOURSELF.
YOU CAN CHECK THE COUCH CUSHIONS, OR FIND SOMEONE WHO'S A SOFT TOUCH, LOOK REAL CUTE, AND SAY, "PLEASE FEED MY PIGGY.
" PLEASE FEED MY PIGGY.
BOY, YOU PICKED THAT ONE UP REAL FAST.
HERE'S A QUARTER.
[CLINK CLINK.]
OOH, I LIKE THAT SOUND.
YAH.
BISHOP TO KING'S KNIGHT 4.
CHECK.
KING ME.
HELLO.
HI, STEPH.
HEY, SWEETIE, HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY? UH, JUST ANOTHER DAY IN THIRD GRADE.
HERE'S A SILLY NOTE FROM MY TEACHER.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ IT.
JUST SIGN IT.
YOU DON'T MIND IF I JUST SKIM IT, DO YOU? STEPH, IT SAYS HERE THAT YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE READING, AND YOU NEED YOUR EYES EXAMINED.
ISN'T THAT SILLY? IF IT'S SO SILLY, LET'S SEE YOU READ THAT NOTE.
OK.
"DEAR MR.
TANNER, "LATELY, STEPHANIE HAS BEEN HOLDING HER PAPER VERY CLOSE TO HER FACE.
" SEE? NO PROBLEM.
YOU'RE GETTING YOUR EYES CHECKED.
BUT WHAT IF THEY TELL ME I NEED GLASSES? I'M GONNA LOOK LIKE A GEEK.
SWEETHEART, YOU ARE NOT GONNA LOOK LIKE A GEEK.
BUT IF YOU DON'T TAKE CARE OF THIS NOW, YOUR EYESIGHT COULD GET WORSE.
ALL THOSE YEARS EATING CARROTS.
WHAT A WASTE.
PLEASE FEED MY PIGGY.
OH, I HAVE SOME PENNIES FOR YOUR PIGGY TO SNACK ON.
HE'S VERY HUNGRY.
YOU GOT ANY QUARTERS? GO TALK TO YOUR DAD.
I GOT QUARTERS.
HERE YOU GO.
HERE'S A QUARTER.
HERE'S 50 CENTS.
HERE'S 75 CENTS.
OK, JESS, THIS IS THE LAST DECISION WE HAVE TO MAKE FOR THE WEDDING.
SHOULD THE WAITERS AT THE RECEPTION WEAR WHITE GLOVES? WHO'S PAYING, AGAIN? MY PARENTS.
GO FOR THE WHITE GLOVES.
ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S IT.
NO MORE DECISIONS.
WE'VE MADE EVERY TEENY, TINY, MINUSCULE, TRIVIAL DECISION ABOUT THIS WEDDING.
IT'S OVER.
HALLELUJAH! WELL, HONEY, THERE IS ONE TEENY, TINY, MINUSCULE, TRIVIAL DECISION YOU'VE BEEN PUTTING OFF SINCE WE GOT ENGAGED.
WHO'S GONNA BE YOUR BEST MAN-- DANNY OR JOEY? I KNOW I'VE BEEN AVOIDING THIS.
WHEN WE'RE ALL TOGETHER, I'LL PICK THE BEST MAN, AND THAT'LL BE IT.
GREAT.
DANNY, JOEY, GET IN HERE! ARE YOU CRAZY, EMBARRASSING ME LIKE THIS? I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE I'M GONNA-- HI, BOYS.
HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON? WELL, UH, NOW THAT WE'RE ALL TOGETHER, THERE'S SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT.
WE'RE GOING WITH THE WHITE GLOVES.
WE'RE VERY HAPPY FOR THE BOTH OF YOU.
ACTUALLY, WE'VE PLANNED OUT THE WHOLE WEDDING, EXCEPT FOR ONE LITTLE DETAIL.
UH, I HAVE TO PICK A BEST MAN.
I CAN'T DO THIS.
I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYBODY'S FEELINGS.
OH, JESS, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
NOBODY'S FEELINGS ARE GONNA BE HURT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHATEVER YOU GUYS DECIDE IS FINE WITH US.
WE'RE MATURE ADULTS.
ALL RIGHT.
I PICK JOEY.
YES, I GET TO BE THE BEST MAN! YES! IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, IT'S COOL WITH ME.
CONGRATULATIONS, JOEY.
DANNY, I'D LIKE YOU TO BE MY HEAD USHER.
OH, HEY, THAT'S TERRIFIC.
WELL, IF FOR ANY REASON, JOEY IS UNABLE TO PERFORM HIS DUTIES AS BEST MAN, OR HE BRINGS DISGRACE TO HIS POSITION, THE HEAD USHER STEPS UP AND ASSUMES THE CROWN.
AH, SEE? WELL, IF NEEDED, I'M READY TO SERVE.
THANKS FOR TAKING THIS SO GOOD.
HEY, I COULD STILL WIN THE SWIMSUIT COMPETITION.
* HANG DOWN YOUR HEAD, TOM DOOLEY * * HANG DOWN YOUR HEAD AND CRY * * HANG DOWN YOUR HEAD, TOM DOOLEY * * POOR BOY, YOU'RE BOUND TO * * DIE * DANNY.
* MET HER ON THE MOUNT-- ** THIS HAPPY LITTLE HANGING TUNE WOULDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME PICKING JOEY AS MY BEST MAN? JESS, NOT AT ALL.
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT BEST MAN OR HEAD USHER, THERE'S NOT REALLY MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE.
THE BEST MAN GETS TO STAND NEXT TO THE GROOM, GIVE HIM THE RING, MAKE THE TOAST, BASICALLY BE THE STAR OF THE WEDDING.
AND THE HEAD USHER, HE GETS TO SAY, "I'M SORRY, THOSE SEATS ARE FOR THE FAMILY.
" ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD? 'CAUSE IT'S WORKING.
I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO YOU.
* SWING LOW, SWEET CHARIOT * I'M SORRY.
THOSE SEATS ARE FOR THE FAMILY.
* COMIN' FOR TO CARRY ME HOME * * SWING LOW-- ** DAD, YOU'VE GOT TO HELP US.
WHAT'S GOING ON? MY COUSIN STEVE, HE'S IN TOWN FOR THE BIG SCIENCE FAIR, AND HE WON'T QUIT BUGGING US.
JULIE AND I ARE TRYING TO WRITE AN ARTICLE FOR THE SCHOOL PAPER, BUT HER COUSIN IS KIND OF, UH WHAT'S THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR? PAIN IN THE BUTT? THAT'LL WORK.
["SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT" KNOCK MISSING LAST KNOCK.]
THAT'S HIM.
DAD, YOU NEVER SAW US.
AND IF HE ASKS WHERE WE ARE, WE WERE NEVER HERE, AND WE'RE NEVER COMING BACK.
GOT IT.
HOW ANNOYING CAN ONE KID BE? HONEY, I'M HOME! STEVE URKEL, AT YOUR SERVICE.
HI, STEVE.
LISTEN, STEVE, D.
J.
AND JULIE WERE NEVER HERE, AND THEY'RE NEVER COMING BACK.
NEVER? WELL, THAT'S OK, I'LL WAIT.
SAY, DO YOU HAVE A SPARE ACCORDION? WE CAN JAM.
MY ACCORDION IS IN THE SHOP.
HOW YOU DOING? I'M DANNY TANNER, D.
J.
'S DAD.
THAT'S JESSE KATSOPOLIS, MY BROTHER-IN-LAW.
JOEY'S NOT HERE.
HE'S, UH, JESSE'S BEST MAN.
I'M JUST THE HEAD USHER.
WELL, GEE, DANNY, YOU SOUND A LITTLE BITTER.
MAY I SUGGEST THAT YOU SUCK IT UP AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE? KID'S GOT A POINT.
BOY, AM I HUNGRY.
GOT ANY CHEESE? YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE, BECAUSE, UM, WE'RE OUT OF CHEESE.
NO PROBLEMO.
I'LL JUST POUR A GLASS OF MILK AND WAIT FOR IT TO CURDLE.
UH, STEVE, STEVE, STEEVO.
STEVE, I CAN'T HELP NOTICING YOU WALK LIKE THE HANGER'S IN YOUR SHIRT.
OH, WHY, THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
STEVE, I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU, BECAUSE, QUITE FRANKLY, YOU NEED HELP.
SEE, WHEN YOU'RE WALKING, YOU GOT TO BE LOOSE, MAN.
YOU GOTTA KINDA JUST LET IT BE COOL.
THAT'S IT.
LOOSEN UP.
BE VERY FLUID.
FLUIDITY IS THE KEY.
THAT'S THE MOVE.
THAT'S IT.
NOW, ONCE YOU GET IT GOING, YOU SHIFT THE WEIGHT, AND YOU GO, YOU SEE? AND IT'S A STRUT, AND IT'S COOL.
AND IT'S A STRUT, AND IT'S COOL.
LIKE THAT.
SEE? VERY INSPIRING.
ALL RIGHT.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
THAT'S--THAT'S CLOSE.
WELL, THAT WAS A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE.
WELL, NOW LET'S TRY IT WITH YOUR ELBOWS OUT.
YOU'LL FIND IT'S MUCH BETTER FOR CIRCULATION.
LIKE THIS? YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TRY IT.
YOU'RE DOING FINE.
YOU KNOW, I DO FEEL THE BLOOD FLOWING.
YEAH.
WHAT AM I DOING? HERE'S ANOTHER FUN WAY TO KILL TIME.
LET'S SHARE OUR LIFE STORIES.
I'LL GO FIRST.
I WAS BORN ON A COLD CHICAGO NIGHT, 1976, THE YEAR OF AMERICA'S BICENTENNIAL.
MY MOM WAS IN GREAT PAIN, AND I WAS CHARGING THROUGH-- I THINK I HEAR THE GIRLS COMING HOME.
RIGHT IN THE KITCHEN AREA.
THERE YOU GO.
GOOD DAY, GENTLEMEN.
OK.
OH, LADIES! D.
J.
, Julie: AAH! HEY! HEY.
GUESS WHO GOT SOME NEW GLASSES.
GUESS WHO NEVER WANTS TO WEAR THEM.
COME ON, HONEY, I BET THEY LOOK GREAT.
I LOOK LIKE A TOTAL DWEEB.
COME ON.
HEY, LOOK AT THIS.
I WEAR READING GLASSES.
THERE.
DO I LOOK LIKE A TOTAL DWEEB? NOT TOTALLY.
HONEY, PUT 'EM ON.
LET US SEE 'EM.
OK.
THERE.
YOU SAW 'EM.
FOR A SECOND THERE, I THOUGHT YOU ACTUALLY LOOKED SHARP.
YEAH, YOU LOOK VERY SOPHISTICATED.
THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU SINCE WE LEFT THE EYE DOCTOR.
THANKS, BUT I KNOW YOU'RE JUST BEING NICE BECAUSE YOU'RE MY FAMILY.
DO I LOOK LIKE A DWEEB? NO.
NO.
YOU'RE JUST BEING NICE 'CAUSE YOU'RE MY FAMILY.
HI, COMET.
YOU'LL BE HONEST.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY NEW GLASSES? I KNEW IT.
I'M THE BIGGEST GEEK IN THIRD GRADE.
[GASP.]
I THINK WE LOST HIM.
LOST WHO? JUST SOME PESKY KID THAT KEEPS FOLLOWING US AROUND.
SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T KNOW WHEN THEY'RE NOT WANTED.
HI, D.
J.
HI, JULIE.
HI, KID I DON'T KNOW.
STEVE, THIS IS MY SISTER MICHELLE.
IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, MICHELLE.
WHY DO YOU TALK LIKE MICKEY MOUSE? THAT'S BECAUSE I'M FROM CHICAGO.
WANT TO FEED MY PIGGY? WELL, SURE.
HERE'S A BRIGHT, SHINY PENNY.
MICHELLE, DID YOU KNOW THAT WITH PREVAILING INTEREST RATES, THAT PENNY WILL BE WORTH ALMOST 3 CENTS AT THE TURN OF THE CENTURY? YES, I DID.
STEVE, THIS IS MY OTHER SISTER STEPHANIE.
HI, STEPHANIE.
NICE TO MEET YOU, STEVE.
I DON'T MEAN TO BE RUDE, BUT I REALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE COMPANY RIGHT NOW.
IS EVERYTHING OK, STEPH? I JUST FEEL LIKE BEING ALONE.
COME ON, GIRLS.
THE LITTLE LADY WANTS HER PRIVACY.
SO LET'S MAKE LIKE TOM AND CRUISE.
HEH HEH! [SNORT.]
SO TELL ME, WHY SO MELANCHOLY, BABY? I CAN'T TELL YOU MY PROBLEMS.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU.
OH.
WELL, I WAS BORN IN CHICAGO ON A COLD WINTER NIGHT IN 1976.
MY MOM WAS IN GREAT PAIN, AND I WAS CHARGING THROUGH-- OK.
OK.
I'LL TALK.
I JUST GOT MY FIRST PAIR OF GLASSES.
OH, WELL, WELCOME TO THE CLUB.
YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE LOOK FAR MORE ATTRACTIVE WITH GLASSES THAN WITHOUT.
TAKE ME, FOR EXAMPLE.
AS GOOD AS I LOOK NOW SEE HOW STUDLIER I BECOME.
TRULY AMAZING, BUT IF I WEAR THESE TO SCHOOL ALL THE KIDS ARE GONNA TEASE ME.
OH, SURE.
IN A CLASS OF 30, YOU MAY HAVE 15 OR 20 MISGUIDED SOULS THAT MAY SAY "HEY, 4 EYES" OR "YO, COKE BOTTLES" OR "¿QUE PASA, WINDOW FACE?" BUT THAT WON'T BOTHER YOU, WILL IT? WINDOW FACE? THR TRICK IS TO MAKE 'EM LAUGH WITH YOU BEFORE THEY LAUGH AT YOU.
ALWAYS REMEMBER, HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH.
OTHERWISE, THOSE SUCKERS WILL SLIDE RIGHT OFF YOUR NOSE.
HEH HEH HEH.
[SNORT.]
HI, BUDDY.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY YOU AND I SPEND A LITTLE MORE QUALITY TIME TOGETHER, HUH? LET'S GO OUT AND CLEAN SOME GROUT, SHALL WE? I KNOW YOU'RE JUST BEING NICE TO ME BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T MAKE ME YOUR BEST MAN.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT GROUT IS.
LISTEN, THIS THING'S BEEN BUGGING ME ALL NIGHT.
I THINK I MADE THE WRONG CHOICE.
JOSEPH! WAIT A MINUTE.
JESS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS NOW.
HEY, WHAT'S UP, JESS? JOEY, I'M SORRY, BUT I MAY HAVE MADE A MISTAKE WHEN I PICKED YOU FOR BEST MAN.
IF I DID ANYTHING TO DISGRACE MY POSITION, I'M SORRY.
JUST PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME HEAD USHER.
LET ME FINISH, LET ME FINISH.
WHAT I MEAN TO SAY IS, I DON'T THINK I SHOULD HAVE PICKED JUST YOU.
I MEAN, I HAVE TWO BEST FRIENDS, SO I PICK BOTH OF YOU.
YOU CAN'T HAVE YEAH, YOU'RE BREAKING TRADITION, AND IT'S BAD GRAMMAR.
SINCE WHEN DO I CARE ABOUT TRADITION? YOU'RE LOOKING AT A GUY WHO DIDN'T WEAR THAT CARDBOARD HAT AT HIS GRADUATION BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID IT WOULD RUIN MY COIF.
LOOK, THE 2 BEST MEN THING IS OK WITH ME IF IT'S OK WITH DANNY.
ANYTHING'S BETTER THAN BEING HEAD USHER.
AW, THANK YOU, MY BOYS, MY BOYS, ALL RIGHT.
OK, CLASS, TAKE OUT YOUR LIBRARY BOOKS FOR SILENT READING TIME.
STEPHANIE? YES, MRS.
CLAIRE? YOUR DAD CALLED ME THIS MORNING.
HE TOLD ME YOU GOT YOUR NEW READING GLASSES.
YEAH, I HAVE THEM RIGHT HERE.
SINCE WE'RE READING, MAYBE IT WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO TRY 'EM ON.
MAYBE IT WOULD.
STEPH, YOU GOT GLASSES? LET'S SEE.
THE TRICK IS TO MAKE 'EM LAUGH WITH YOU BEFORE THEY LAUGH AT YOU.
LET'S SEE YOUR NEW GLASSES.
HERE THEY ARE.
MY GLASSES FIT GREAT, BUT MY EYEBALLS ARE LOOSE.
RAAH! I'M JUST KIDDING.
THOSE WEREN'T MY REAL GLASSES.
THESE ARE! OH, NO.
MY HEAD SHRUNK.
AAH! STEPHANIE, COULD I PLEASE SEE YOU AT MY DESK? OOH.
OOH.
NOW YOU KIDS BEHAVE YOURSELVES.
I'VE GOT EYES IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD.
STEPHANIE.
ALL RIGHT, A NICKEL! ALL RIGHT, A CHEETO! [ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC.]
ICE CREAM MAN! ICE CREAM MAN! ICE CREAM MAN! WAIT FOR ME! I GOT MONEY! GIVE ME BACK MY MONEY, YOU PIG! MICHELLE, WHAT'S WRONG? I NEED ICE CREAM.
RIP HIS HEAD OFF! MICHELLE, GET A GRIP.
THE WHOLE POINT OF A PIGGY BANK IS TO SAVE YOUR MONEY FOR SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT.
ICE CREAM IS VERY IMPORTANT.
SORRY, MICHELLE.
THE ICE CREAM MAN IS GONE.
HE'S REALLY GONE? PUT THE LIP AWAY.
IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT THERE ARE A BOX OF FUDGESICLES HIDDEN IN THE BACK OF THE FREEZER.
BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME.
DID I JUST HEAR THE ICE CREAM MAN? YOU JUST MISSED HIM, BUT FOLLOW ME.
THERE ARE FUDGESICLES IN THE FREEZER.
BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME.
STEPH, WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON? OH, JUST SOME HOMEWORK.
OH.
"I WILL NOT DISRUPT THE CLASS.
I WILL NOT DISRUPT THE CLASS.
" DID YOU BY ANY CHANCE DISRUPT THE CLASS TODAY? YEAH.
I SNUCK INTO YOUR JOKE BAG AND BORROWED ALL YOUR FUNNY GLASSES.
THE TEACHER TOOK 'EM IN HER DESK, BUT YOU CAN HAVE THEM BACK AT THE END OF THE YEAR.
STEPH, THAT'S NOT LIKE YOU TO ACT UP IN CLASS.
I KNOW, BUT I HAD TO MAKE THEM LAUGH WITH ME BEFORE THEY COULD LAUGH AT ME.
OH, I GET IT.
CLASS CLOWN ROUTINE.
I DID THAT ONCE, EXCEPT I WAS THE CHUBBY KID.
THEY USED TO CALL ME WALRUS, SO I WOULD GO ARRR! ARR! ARR! ARR! YEAH, KIDS CAN BE PRETTY CRUEL SOMETIMES.
WHAT DID THEY SAY TO YOU? WELL, THIS ONE KID SAID, "YOU GOT GLASSES? LET ME SEE.
" THAT WAS IT? WELL, HE SAID IT PRETTY LOUD.
SO THEN NONE OF THE KIDS ACTUALLY TEASED YOU.
NO, BUT THEY WOULD'VE.
STEPH, ANYBODY WHO WOULD TEASE YOU IS A JERK, BECAUSE WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR GLASSES, YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THIRD GRADER I KNOW.
I WANT YOU TO TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOURSELF WITH THOSE GLASSES ON, AND YOU'LL SEE YOU LOOK JUST FINE.
I ALREADY HAVE.
TRUST ME, IT WAS NOT A PRETTY SIGHT.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU SAW WHAT YOU WERE AFRAID OF RATHER THAN WHAT WAS REALLY THERE.
NOW GET OVER TO THAT MIRROR, AND TELL ME WHAT YOU REALLY SEE.
OK.
COME ON.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU SEE? HEY IT'S ME.
NO, IT'S THE NEW IMPROVED YOU, BECAUSE NOW YOU CAN READ.
THANKS, JOEY.
I FEEL BETTER.
YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU LOOK PRETTY MATURE.
REALLY? MM-HMM.
YOU THINK I COULD PASS FOR A FOURTH GRADER? WELL, WHY DON'T YOU PUT THE STEM OF YOUR GLASSES IN YOUR MOUTH AND THINK "UPPER ELEMENTARY SCHOOL"? OOH, THAT RIGHT THERE, THAT'S FIFTH GRADE.
YEAH.
OH, HOT--OH, LOOK AT THAT.
HIGH-FASHION MODEL.
YOU'RE DRIVING.
WHAT KIND OF CAR? LET'S GO ALL THE WAY.
PORSCHE.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT! THERE YOU GO, KIDDO.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
JUST DOING MY JOB.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
* WHATEVER HAPPENED TO PREDICTABILITY * * THE MILKMAN, THE PAPER BOY * * EVENIN' TV? * * HOW DID I GET DELIVERED HERE? * * SOMEBODY TELL ME, PLEASE * * THIS OLD WORLD'S * * CONFUSIN' ME * * CLOUDS AS MEAN AS YOU'VE EVER SEEN * * AIN'T A BIRD WHO KNOWS YOUR TUNE * * THEN A LITTLE VOICE INSIDE YOU WHISPERS * * KID, DON'T SELL YOUR DREAMS SO SOON * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * THERE'S A HEART * * THERE'S A HEART * * A HAND TO HOLD ONTO * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * THERE'S A FACE OF SOMEBODY WHO NEEDS YOU * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * WHEN YOU'RE LOST OUT THERE * * AND YOU'RE ALL ALONE * * A LIGHT IS WAITIN' * * TO CARRY YOU HOME * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK * * DO BE DO BA BA DA ** UP YOU GO.
I'M WAITING.
HEY, MICHELLE.
HOW YOU DOING? THIS YO-YO IS BROKEN.
I HAVE SOMETHING BETTER FOR YOU.
SINCE I OPENED MY OWN SAVINGS ACCOUNT, I WANT YOU TO HAVE MY OLD PIGGY BANK.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HEY, WHERE'S THE MONEY? YOU HAVE TO EARN IT YOURSELF.
YOU CAN CHECK THE COUCH CUSHIONS, OR FIND SOMEONE WHO'S A SOFT TOUCH, LOOK REAL CUTE, AND SAY, "PLEASE FEED MY PIGGY.
" PLEASE FEED MY PIGGY.
BOY, YOU PICKED THAT ONE UP REAL FAST.
HERE'S A QUARTER.
[CLINK CLINK.]
OOH, I LIKE THAT SOUND.
YAH.
BISHOP TO KING'S KNIGHT 4.
CHECK.
KING ME.
HELLO.
HI, STEPH.
HEY, SWEETIE, HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY? UH, JUST ANOTHER DAY IN THIRD GRADE.
HERE'S A SILLY NOTE FROM MY TEACHER.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ IT.
JUST SIGN IT.
YOU DON'T MIND IF I JUST SKIM IT, DO YOU? STEPH, IT SAYS HERE THAT YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE READING, AND YOU NEED YOUR EYES EXAMINED.
ISN'T THAT SILLY? IF IT'S SO SILLY, LET'S SEE YOU READ THAT NOTE.
OK.
"DEAR MR.
TANNER, "LATELY, STEPHANIE HAS BEEN HOLDING HER PAPER VERY CLOSE TO HER FACE.
" SEE? NO PROBLEM.
YOU'RE GETTING YOUR EYES CHECKED.
BUT WHAT IF THEY TELL ME I NEED GLASSES? I'M GONNA LOOK LIKE A GEEK.
SWEETHEART, YOU ARE NOT GONNA LOOK LIKE A GEEK.
BUT IF YOU DON'T TAKE CARE OF THIS NOW, YOUR EYESIGHT COULD GET WORSE.
ALL THOSE YEARS EATING CARROTS.
WHAT A WASTE.
PLEASE FEED MY PIGGY.
OH, I HAVE SOME PENNIES FOR YOUR PIGGY TO SNACK ON.
HE'S VERY HUNGRY.
YOU GOT ANY QUARTERS? GO TALK TO YOUR DAD.
I GOT QUARTERS.
HERE YOU GO.
HERE'S A QUARTER.
HERE'S 50 CENTS.
HERE'S 75 CENTS.
OK, JESS, THIS IS THE LAST DECISION WE HAVE TO MAKE FOR THE WEDDING.
SHOULD THE WAITERS AT THE RECEPTION WEAR WHITE GLOVES? WHO'S PAYING, AGAIN? MY PARENTS.
GO FOR THE WHITE GLOVES.
ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S IT.
NO MORE DECISIONS.
WE'VE MADE EVERY TEENY, TINY, MINUSCULE, TRIVIAL DECISION ABOUT THIS WEDDING.
IT'S OVER.
HALLELUJAH! WELL, HONEY, THERE IS ONE TEENY, TINY, MINUSCULE, TRIVIAL DECISION YOU'VE BEEN PUTTING OFF SINCE WE GOT ENGAGED.
WHO'S GONNA BE YOUR BEST MAN-- DANNY OR JOEY? I KNOW I'VE BEEN AVOIDING THIS.
WHEN WE'RE ALL TOGETHER, I'LL PICK THE BEST MAN, AND THAT'LL BE IT.
GREAT.
DANNY, JOEY, GET IN HERE! ARE YOU CRAZY, EMBARRASSING ME LIKE THIS? I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE I'M GONNA-- HI, BOYS.
HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON? WELL, UH, NOW THAT WE'RE ALL TOGETHER, THERE'S SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT.
WE'RE GOING WITH THE WHITE GLOVES.
WE'RE VERY HAPPY FOR THE BOTH OF YOU.
ACTUALLY, WE'VE PLANNED OUT THE WHOLE WEDDING, EXCEPT FOR ONE LITTLE DETAIL.
UH, I HAVE TO PICK A BEST MAN.
I CAN'T DO THIS.
I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYBODY'S FEELINGS.
OH, JESS, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
NOBODY'S FEELINGS ARE GONNA BE HURT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHATEVER YOU GUYS DECIDE IS FINE WITH US.
WE'RE MATURE ADULTS.
ALL RIGHT.
I PICK JOEY.
YES, I GET TO BE THE BEST MAN! YES! IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, IT'S COOL WITH ME.
CONGRATULATIONS, JOEY.
DANNY, I'D LIKE YOU TO BE MY HEAD USHER.
OH, HEY, THAT'S TERRIFIC.
WELL, IF FOR ANY REASON, JOEY IS UNABLE TO PERFORM HIS DUTIES AS BEST MAN, OR HE BRINGS DISGRACE TO HIS POSITION, THE HEAD USHER STEPS UP AND ASSUMES THE CROWN.
AH, SEE? WELL, IF NEEDED, I'M READY TO SERVE.
THANKS FOR TAKING THIS SO GOOD.
HEY, I COULD STILL WIN THE SWIMSUIT COMPETITION.
* HANG DOWN YOUR HEAD, TOM DOOLEY * * HANG DOWN YOUR HEAD AND CRY * * HANG DOWN YOUR HEAD, TOM DOOLEY * * POOR BOY, YOU'RE BOUND TO * * DIE * DANNY.
* MET HER ON THE MOUNT-- ** THIS HAPPY LITTLE HANGING TUNE WOULDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME PICKING JOEY AS MY BEST MAN? JESS, NOT AT ALL.
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT BEST MAN OR HEAD USHER, THERE'S NOT REALLY MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE.
THE BEST MAN GETS TO STAND NEXT TO THE GROOM, GIVE HIM THE RING, MAKE THE TOAST, BASICALLY BE THE STAR OF THE WEDDING.
AND THE HEAD USHER, HE GETS TO SAY, "I'M SORRY, THOSE SEATS ARE FOR THE FAMILY.
" ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD? 'CAUSE IT'S WORKING.
I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO YOU.
* SWING LOW, SWEET CHARIOT * I'M SORRY.
THOSE SEATS ARE FOR THE FAMILY.
* COMIN' FOR TO CARRY ME HOME * * SWING LOW-- ** DAD, YOU'VE GOT TO HELP US.
WHAT'S GOING ON? MY COUSIN STEVE, HE'S IN TOWN FOR THE BIG SCIENCE FAIR, AND HE WON'T QUIT BUGGING US.
JULIE AND I ARE TRYING TO WRITE AN ARTICLE FOR THE SCHOOL PAPER, BUT HER COUSIN IS KIND OF, UH WHAT'S THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR? PAIN IN THE BUTT? THAT'LL WORK.
["SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT" KNOCK MISSING LAST KNOCK.]
THAT'S HIM.
DAD, YOU NEVER SAW US.
AND IF HE ASKS WHERE WE ARE, WE WERE NEVER HERE, AND WE'RE NEVER COMING BACK.
GOT IT.
HOW ANNOYING CAN ONE KID BE? HONEY, I'M HOME! STEVE URKEL, AT YOUR SERVICE.
HI, STEVE.
LISTEN, STEVE, D.
J.
AND JULIE WERE NEVER HERE, AND THEY'RE NEVER COMING BACK.
NEVER? WELL, THAT'S OK, I'LL WAIT.
SAY, DO YOU HAVE A SPARE ACCORDION? WE CAN JAM.
MY ACCORDION IS IN THE SHOP.
HOW YOU DOING? I'M DANNY TANNER, D.
J.
'S DAD.
THAT'S JESSE KATSOPOLIS, MY BROTHER-IN-LAW.
JOEY'S NOT HERE.
HE'S, UH, JESSE'S BEST MAN.
I'M JUST THE HEAD USHER.
WELL, GEE, DANNY, YOU SOUND A LITTLE BITTER.
MAY I SUGGEST THAT YOU SUCK IT UP AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE? KID'S GOT A POINT.
BOY, AM I HUNGRY.
GOT ANY CHEESE? YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE, BECAUSE, UM, WE'RE OUT OF CHEESE.
NO PROBLEMO.
I'LL JUST POUR A GLASS OF MILK AND WAIT FOR IT TO CURDLE.
UH, STEVE, STEVE, STEEVO.
STEVE, I CAN'T HELP NOTICING YOU WALK LIKE THE HANGER'S IN YOUR SHIRT.
OH, WHY, THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
STEVE, I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU, BECAUSE, QUITE FRANKLY, YOU NEED HELP.
SEE, WHEN YOU'RE WALKING, YOU GOT TO BE LOOSE, MAN.
YOU GOTTA KINDA JUST LET IT BE COOL.
THAT'S IT.
LOOSEN UP.
BE VERY FLUID.
FLUIDITY IS THE KEY.
THAT'S THE MOVE.
THAT'S IT.
NOW, ONCE YOU GET IT GOING, YOU SHIFT THE WEIGHT, AND YOU GO, YOU SEE? AND IT'S A STRUT, AND IT'S COOL.
AND IT'S A STRUT, AND IT'S COOL.
LIKE THAT.
SEE? VERY INSPIRING.
ALL RIGHT.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
THAT'S--THAT'S CLOSE.
WELL, THAT WAS A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE.
WELL, NOW LET'S TRY IT WITH YOUR ELBOWS OUT.
YOU'LL FIND IT'S MUCH BETTER FOR CIRCULATION.
LIKE THIS? YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TRY IT.
YOU'RE DOING FINE.
YOU KNOW, I DO FEEL THE BLOOD FLOWING.
YEAH.
WHAT AM I DOING? HERE'S ANOTHER FUN WAY TO KILL TIME.
LET'S SHARE OUR LIFE STORIES.
I'LL GO FIRST.
I WAS BORN ON A COLD CHICAGO NIGHT, 1976, THE YEAR OF AMERICA'S BICENTENNIAL.
MY MOM WAS IN GREAT PAIN, AND I WAS CHARGING THROUGH-- I THINK I HEAR THE GIRLS COMING HOME.
RIGHT IN THE KITCHEN AREA.
THERE YOU GO.
GOOD DAY, GENTLEMEN.
OK.
OH, LADIES! D.
J.
, Julie: AAH! HEY! HEY.
GUESS WHO GOT SOME NEW GLASSES.
GUESS WHO NEVER WANTS TO WEAR THEM.
COME ON, HONEY, I BET THEY LOOK GREAT.
I LOOK LIKE A TOTAL DWEEB.
COME ON.
HEY, LOOK AT THIS.
I WEAR READING GLASSES.
THERE.
DO I LOOK LIKE A TOTAL DWEEB? NOT TOTALLY.
HONEY, PUT 'EM ON.
LET US SEE 'EM.
OK.
THERE.
YOU SAW 'EM.
FOR A SECOND THERE, I THOUGHT YOU ACTUALLY LOOKED SHARP.
YEAH, YOU LOOK VERY SOPHISTICATED.
THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU SINCE WE LEFT THE EYE DOCTOR.
THANKS, BUT I KNOW YOU'RE JUST BEING NICE BECAUSE YOU'RE MY FAMILY.
DO I LOOK LIKE A DWEEB? NO.
NO.
YOU'RE JUST BEING NICE 'CAUSE YOU'RE MY FAMILY.
HI, COMET.
YOU'LL BE HONEST.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY NEW GLASSES? I KNEW IT.
I'M THE BIGGEST GEEK IN THIRD GRADE.
[GASP.]
I THINK WE LOST HIM.
LOST WHO? JUST SOME PESKY KID THAT KEEPS FOLLOWING US AROUND.
SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T KNOW WHEN THEY'RE NOT WANTED.
HI, D.
J.
HI, JULIE.
HI, KID I DON'T KNOW.
STEVE, THIS IS MY SISTER MICHELLE.
IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, MICHELLE.
WHY DO YOU TALK LIKE MICKEY MOUSE? THAT'S BECAUSE I'M FROM CHICAGO.
WANT TO FEED MY PIGGY? WELL, SURE.
HERE'S A BRIGHT, SHINY PENNY.
MICHELLE, DID YOU KNOW THAT WITH PREVAILING INTEREST RATES, THAT PENNY WILL BE WORTH ALMOST 3 CENTS AT THE TURN OF THE CENTURY? YES, I DID.
STEVE, THIS IS MY OTHER SISTER STEPHANIE.
HI, STEPHANIE.
NICE TO MEET YOU, STEVE.
I DON'T MEAN TO BE RUDE, BUT I REALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE COMPANY RIGHT NOW.
IS EVERYTHING OK, STEPH? I JUST FEEL LIKE BEING ALONE.
COME ON, GIRLS.
THE LITTLE LADY WANTS HER PRIVACY.
SO LET'S MAKE LIKE TOM AND CRUISE.
HEH HEH! [SNORT.]
SO TELL ME, WHY SO MELANCHOLY, BABY? I CAN'T TELL YOU MY PROBLEMS.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU.
OH.
WELL, I WAS BORN IN CHICAGO ON A COLD WINTER NIGHT IN 1976.
MY MOM WAS IN GREAT PAIN, AND I WAS CHARGING THROUGH-- OK.
OK.
I'LL TALK.
I JUST GOT MY FIRST PAIR OF GLASSES.
OH, WELL, WELCOME TO THE CLUB.
YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE LOOK FAR MORE ATTRACTIVE WITH GLASSES THAN WITHOUT.
TAKE ME, FOR EXAMPLE.
AS GOOD AS I LOOK NOW SEE HOW STUDLIER I BECOME.
TRULY AMAZING, BUT IF I WEAR THESE TO SCHOOL ALL THE KIDS ARE GONNA TEASE ME.
OH, SURE.
IN A CLASS OF 30, YOU MAY HAVE 15 OR 20 MISGUIDED SOULS THAT MAY SAY "HEY, 4 EYES" OR "YO, COKE BOTTLES" OR "¿QUE PASA, WINDOW FACE?" BUT THAT WON'T BOTHER YOU, WILL IT? WINDOW FACE? THR TRICK IS TO MAKE 'EM LAUGH WITH YOU BEFORE THEY LAUGH AT YOU.
ALWAYS REMEMBER, HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH.
OTHERWISE, THOSE SUCKERS WILL SLIDE RIGHT OFF YOUR NOSE.
HEH HEH HEH.
[SNORT.]
HI, BUDDY.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY YOU AND I SPEND A LITTLE MORE QUALITY TIME TOGETHER, HUH? LET'S GO OUT AND CLEAN SOME GROUT, SHALL WE? I KNOW YOU'RE JUST BEING NICE TO ME BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T MAKE ME YOUR BEST MAN.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT GROUT IS.
LISTEN, THIS THING'S BEEN BUGGING ME ALL NIGHT.
I THINK I MADE THE WRONG CHOICE.
JOSEPH! WAIT A MINUTE.
JESS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS NOW.
HEY, WHAT'S UP, JESS? JOEY, I'M SORRY, BUT I MAY HAVE MADE A MISTAKE WHEN I PICKED YOU FOR BEST MAN.
IF I DID ANYTHING TO DISGRACE MY POSITION, I'M SORRY.
JUST PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME HEAD USHER.
LET ME FINISH, LET ME FINISH.
WHAT I MEAN TO SAY IS, I DON'T THINK I SHOULD HAVE PICKED JUST YOU.
I MEAN, I HAVE TWO BEST FRIENDS, SO I PICK BOTH OF YOU.
YOU CAN'T HAVE YEAH, YOU'RE BREAKING TRADITION, AND IT'S BAD GRAMMAR.
SINCE WHEN DO I CARE ABOUT TRADITION? YOU'RE LOOKING AT A GUY WHO DIDN'T WEAR THAT CARDBOARD HAT AT HIS GRADUATION BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID IT WOULD RUIN MY COIF.
LOOK, THE 2 BEST MEN THING IS OK WITH ME IF IT'S OK WITH DANNY.
ANYTHING'S BETTER THAN BEING HEAD USHER.
AW, THANK YOU, MY BOYS, MY BOYS, ALL RIGHT.
OK, CLASS, TAKE OUT YOUR LIBRARY BOOKS FOR SILENT READING TIME.
STEPHANIE? YES, MRS.
CLAIRE? YOUR DAD CALLED ME THIS MORNING.
HE TOLD ME YOU GOT YOUR NEW READING GLASSES.
YEAH, I HAVE THEM RIGHT HERE.
SINCE WE'RE READING, MAYBE IT WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO TRY 'EM ON.
MAYBE IT WOULD.
STEPH, YOU GOT GLASSES? LET'S SEE.
THE TRICK IS TO MAKE 'EM LAUGH WITH YOU BEFORE THEY LAUGH AT YOU.
LET'S SEE YOUR NEW GLASSES.
HERE THEY ARE.
MY GLASSES FIT GREAT, BUT MY EYEBALLS ARE LOOSE.
RAAH! I'M JUST KIDDING.
THOSE WEREN'T MY REAL GLASSES.
THESE ARE! OH, NO.
MY HEAD SHRUNK.
AAH! STEPHANIE, COULD I PLEASE SEE YOU AT MY DESK? OOH.
OOH.
NOW YOU KIDS BEHAVE YOURSELVES.
I'VE GOT EYES IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD.
STEPHANIE.
ALL RIGHT, A NICKEL! ALL RIGHT, A CHEETO! [ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC.]
ICE CREAM MAN! ICE CREAM MAN! ICE CREAM MAN! WAIT FOR ME! I GOT MONEY! GIVE ME BACK MY MONEY, YOU PIG! MICHELLE, WHAT'S WRONG? I NEED ICE CREAM.
RIP HIS HEAD OFF! MICHELLE, GET A GRIP.
THE WHOLE POINT OF A PIGGY BANK IS TO SAVE YOUR MONEY FOR SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT.
ICE CREAM IS VERY IMPORTANT.
SORRY, MICHELLE.
THE ICE CREAM MAN IS GONE.
HE'S REALLY GONE? PUT THE LIP AWAY.
IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT THERE ARE A BOX OF FUDGESICLES HIDDEN IN THE BACK OF THE FREEZER.
BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME.
DID I JUST HEAR THE ICE CREAM MAN? YOU JUST MISSED HIM, BUT FOLLOW ME.
THERE ARE FUDGESICLES IN THE FREEZER.
BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME.
STEPH, WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON? OH, JUST SOME HOMEWORK.
OH.
"I WILL NOT DISRUPT THE CLASS.
I WILL NOT DISRUPT THE CLASS.
" DID YOU BY ANY CHANCE DISRUPT THE CLASS TODAY? YEAH.
I SNUCK INTO YOUR JOKE BAG AND BORROWED ALL YOUR FUNNY GLASSES.
THE TEACHER TOOK 'EM IN HER DESK, BUT YOU CAN HAVE THEM BACK AT THE END OF THE YEAR.
STEPH, THAT'S NOT LIKE YOU TO ACT UP IN CLASS.
I KNOW, BUT I HAD TO MAKE THEM LAUGH WITH ME BEFORE THEY COULD LAUGH AT ME.
OH, I GET IT.
CLASS CLOWN ROUTINE.
I DID THAT ONCE, EXCEPT I WAS THE CHUBBY KID.
THEY USED TO CALL ME WALRUS, SO I WOULD GO ARRR! ARR! ARR! ARR! YEAH, KIDS CAN BE PRETTY CRUEL SOMETIMES.
WHAT DID THEY SAY TO YOU? WELL, THIS ONE KID SAID, "YOU GOT GLASSES? LET ME SEE.
" THAT WAS IT? WELL, HE SAID IT PRETTY LOUD.
SO THEN NONE OF THE KIDS ACTUALLY TEASED YOU.
NO, BUT THEY WOULD'VE.
STEPH, ANYBODY WHO WOULD TEASE YOU IS A JERK, BECAUSE WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR GLASSES, YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THIRD GRADER I KNOW.
I WANT YOU TO TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOURSELF WITH THOSE GLASSES ON, AND YOU'LL SEE YOU LOOK JUST FINE.
I ALREADY HAVE.
TRUST ME, IT WAS NOT A PRETTY SIGHT.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU SAW WHAT YOU WERE AFRAID OF RATHER THAN WHAT WAS REALLY THERE.
NOW GET OVER TO THAT MIRROR, AND TELL ME WHAT YOU REALLY SEE.
OK.
COME ON.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU SEE? HEY IT'S ME.
NO, IT'S THE NEW IMPROVED YOU, BECAUSE NOW YOU CAN READ.
THANKS, JOEY.
I FEEL BETTER.
YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU LOOK PRETTY MATURE.
REALLY? MM-HMM.
YOU THINK I COULD PASS FOR A FOURTH GRADER? WELL, WHY DON'T YOU PUT THE STEM OF YOUR GLASSES IN YOUR MOUTH AND THINK "UPPER ELEMENTARY SCHOOL"? OOH, THAT RIGHT THERE, THAT'S FIFTH GRADE.
YEAH.
OH, HOT--OH, LOOK AT THAT.
HIGH-FASHION MODEL.
YOU'RE DRIVING.
WHAT KIND OF CAR? LET'S GO ALL THE WAY.
PORSCHE.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT! THERE YOU GO, KIDDO.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL