Full House s05e04 Episode Script

Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Girl Gone?

All right, it's finally finished, Michelle.
My new brand-new studio.
What do you think? Look at this.
I got a 16-track, keyboards, a big console.
Oh, look at this drum machine.
You'll like this, watch.
[PLAYS DRUM MACHINE] Huh? Pretty cool, huh? You've got better toys than I do.
To show my appreciation to your dad for letting me build a studio down here I got a great idea.
We'll do a song.
- What song do you wanna sing? - Let's sing the spelling song.
All right, the spelling song it is.
Here we go.
One, two, one, two, three, four.
[SINGING] A-B-C-D-- Cut! Not that spelling song.
The cool spelling song.
[DRUM MACHINE PLAYING] [SINGING] R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find out what it means to me Sock it to me, sock it to me Sock it to me, sock it to me Sock it to me Ho-ho-hold it, hold it, Michelle, hold it.
I'm sorry, but I just love those "sock it to me's.
" Sock it to me, sock it to me Sock it to me, sock it to me Sock it to me, sock it to me-- Aah! Heh-heh.
Kimmy, you've gotta tell me.
This is a nightmare.
What's a nightmare? Uh, this whole savings-and-loan crisis.
Why are you hiding behind the counter? Oh, I wasn't hiding.
I'm cleaning my cleaning products.
Oh, yeah, it's Friday.
Boy, Mr.
T, you sure know how to kick off a weekend.
- See you.
- Hey, come back here, you.
Okay.
Spill it, Kimmy.
Why is everybody talking about me behind my back? Because they don't have the guts to tell you to your face.
Well, gotta go.
Get back here, you coward.
Kimmy, start talking.
Uh, I love what you've done with your new room.
All you need now is a poster of Patrick Swayze on your ceiling.
Just kick back and hope the Scotch tape gives out.
Kimmy, please, I'm desperate.
Look at this card I got from Kathy Santoni.
"My thoughts are with you during your mega-crisis.
" I can't believe it.
I'm having a mega-crisis, and I don't know what it is.
Deej, sit down.
I guess it's better if you hear this from your best friend.
The word that's going around is you're the worst kisser in school.
I am not.
- Who said that? - Todd Mitchell.
Todd Mitchell? I could kill him.
He walked me home from the library.
He tried to kiss me, but I didn't want to.
So I turned my cheek, and he slobbered all over my ear.
Ew! He doggy-kissed you.
[KNOCKING] Come in.
No, wait.
So, honey, how was school today? Fine, Mr.
T, and thank you for caring.
Deej, you seemed a little upset downstairs.
I just want you to remember that you can talk to me about anything.
Dad, there is something I wanna say to you.
Oh, great, great.
I'm right here, honey.
Kimmy and I wanna be alone.
Fine.
Great, that's a good idea.
What's important here is we've opened up the door for communication.
Right, Dad.
Bye.
Bye.
Damage control.
This bad-kisser thing could ruin my social life forever.
Just how far has this rumor gone? Hard to say.
I heard it from my algebra teacher.
Living on this side of the room is gonna be so cool.
I got the cool window, the cool closet and the cool mirror to look at my cool self.
I'm cool too.
Look at this.
You're not hanging up Barney the Bear in my room.
It's my room too.
Yes, it is.
And I have the perfect spot to hang Barney.
Right inside the closet where he can hibernate all winter.
Hey, is this a trick? Michelle, bubee, baby, would I trick you? Yes, you would, and don't call me bubee.
Hi, girls.
Steph, did you hear D.
J.
mention anything that might be bothering her? Dad, I live with a kindergarten kid now.
The only hot rumors I hear are who put their mouth on the water fountain.
Daddy, could you put Barney over my bed? Oh, you bet I can, honey.
I'll tack him up right over here where nobody can miss him.
[IN HIGH VOICE] Oh, careful, Danny.
Careful, Danny, careful.
Oh, thank you, Danny, that felt good.
Don't you think Barney looks cool? The coolest.
I know some tricks too, bubee.
[KNOCKING] D.
J.
? [WHISTLING] - Hi, Daddy.
- Michelle.
Don't scare Daddy like that.
Daddy just got whiplash.
What are you doing? I'm just putting away some laundry.
But laundry day is Monday.
Yeah, well, I switched it with dusting day.
You know, just to keep life exciting.
Okay.
All right, observe very carefully as I screw in this light bulb.
Okay, all right, okay? I only wish the twins were already born.
They'd be so proud of their dad.
Very cute.
Now, come on, this is very important.
When the light is on, it means that I am recording and I'm not to be disturbed for anything whatsoever.
What if Godzilla attacks, like in those old Japanese movies? [GROWLING] Godzilla is attacking, we must inform Jesse.
We can't, the red light is on.
You are the mother of all idiots.
Your insults have no effect on me.
Jess, this is a big moment.
I know, the first time working in my new studio.
No, I'm talking about our partnership.
You and I were in the ad business together for three years.
And now, you're committed to your music.
I'm going back to my comedy full-time.
It's the end of an era.
I'll miss you, man.
Joey, Joey, please, Joseph.
Get a grip, okay? We live in the same house, we'll see each other.
Run along upstairs, the red light is on, that means I'm not to be disturbed.
Go, go, go.
I love you, I miss you.
Okay, go.
Okay, fine.
I can take a hint.
I've a very full and busy life of my own.
I'll just go upstairs, make some nachos, get ready for a little Yogi Bear.
Uh, Jess, there's one little problem.
This doorknob came off right in my hand.
That's impossible.
I installed it myself.
Well, that explains it.
Give it.
It's stripped.
We're locked in here.
We'll just yell for help.
Did you soundproof this room yourself? - Yeah.
- Then they'll hear us.
- Hey, Becky.
BECKY: Hey.
- The guys downstairs? - Yeah.
Oh, wait.
The red light's on, that means they're recording.
JESSE AND JOEY [IN UNISON]: Help! Help! They're doing the Beatles song, "Help!" Oh, man.
I could use some help myself.
D.
J.
's having a mega-crisis, and she won't talk to me about it.
Well, if she won't talk to you how do you know she's having a mega-crisis? Oh.
Well, I kind of, sort of, saw this card in her sock drawer when I was putting away the laundry.
It's not Monday.
Okay, I was snooping.
But it's driving me nuts that she won't talk to me.
I'll see you later, Dad.
I'm going over to Kimmy's.
Before you go, honey.
Look.
I have this feeling that you've got a problem and you're not sharing it with me.
Dad, there's no problem.
Kimmy, do I have a problem? Well, your dad is kind of nosy.
Look, Dad, I'm fine, really.
I gotta run, bye.
Bye.
Did you see that? She lied right to my face.
Well, I hate to get technical, but you lied too.
You never mentioned your little raid on her sock drawer.
What's happening to me and D.
J.
? We used to be so close.
Becky, I feel like I'm losing my little girl.
Kimmy, we need a plan.
We have to get people to stop saying I'm a bad kisser.
I got it.
Just make out with every guy in school until they change their mind.
Deej, wait a second.
Um, look, I was just thinking.
You and I hardly have any time to hang out anymore.
What do you say we hang out tonight? Dad, I can't just hang out with you.
Kimmy and I have plans.
- To do what? - To hang out.
Come on, why don't you hang out with your dad? You know what would be totally a blast? We go bowling.
Whoo! Gee, Mr.
T, that sounds nifty.
Are Wally and the Beav coming too? Oops.
One step too far.
Later, Deej.
Dad, I haven't been bowling since my seventh birthday.
Yeah, and you loved it.
Okay, Dad, if it means that much to you.
- Let's go bowling.
- That's my girl.
Just let me get my ball, my shoes my corn protectors, then we're out of here.
I can't take it.
That thing keeps looking at me.
That's because he likes you.
Michelle, here's a fun idea.
How would you like to be in the Big Girls Club? I'm a big girl.
I should be in that club.
You're gonna love it.
It's got a secret song and everything.
Ooh! How does it go? Um.
[SINGING] I'm a big girl, you're a big girl Yada-yada-yada-yada-ya! I like the little dance.
Now, all we have to do to get in the Big Girls Club is get rid of all our baby stuff.
Uh-oh.
You mean Barney, don't you? There's nothing more babyish than a toy bear.
Well.
Okay.
Nice knowing you, Barney.
I know this is painful, so I'll get rid of Barney for you.
And I'll get rid of Mr.
Bear for you.
Freeze.
Drop the bear.
Now, step away slowly.
You said no toy bears in the Big Girls Club.
But Mr.
Bear is not a toy.
He's a member of the family.
So is Barney.
He keeps the monsters away.
There are no monsters in here.
See, he's doing a good job.
[SIGHS] Okay, the bears stay.
Are we still in the Big Girls Club? Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Yay! [SINGING] I'm a big girl, you're a big girl Yada-yada-yada-yada-ya! I can't hear you.
[IN UNISON] I'm a big girl, you're a big girl Yada-yada-yada-yada-ya! One more time.
[IN UNISON] I'm a big girl, you're a big girl Yada-yada-yada-yada-ya! If we get a running start and crash into that door, we'll break it right down.
That will never work.
It will if we hit it at the exact same time.
That door will pop right open.
- We got no choice.
- Okay.
We gotta do it together, and it's gotta be precise, so I'll count.
- All right.
- We'll go on three, you ready? - Mm-hm.
- One, two, three, go.
- Hey, the light.
- Ow! What happened to you? You left the red light on.
No wonder nobody has come downstairs to get us.
It's a good thing I caught that.
Guys, lunch is ready.
Boy, I thought that red light would never go off.
You guys are really working hard.
Jess, I am very, very, very proud of you.
Ow! Oh, Deej, isn't this fantastic? You're doing great, honey.
Dad, all I did was write our names on the score sheet.
Well, since the last time you bowled, your handwriting has really improved.
- Okay, Dad, you're up.
- Right.
What I want you to know is the most important part of bowling is getting a good rhythm going, okay? So first you do that.
Then push off, arm back, hop and swoop.
Go, baby.
Go, baby.
Go, baby.
DANNY: Strike! All right, the Dan man still has the touch.
Dad, we're in public.
Oh.
You know what? This is just great.
Why don't we join a father-daughter league? Something to think about very carefully.
All right, now, remember, push off, arm back, hop and swoop.
Go, baby.
Go, baby.
Go, baby.
DANNY: Go-- No, baby.
No, baby.
Hey, we'll get them on the next ball, honey, don't worry about it.
That's why I'm here, to help you with your problems.
Whether they be in bowling, at home or at school.
Any of those pertain to you? Dad, for the millionth time, I'm fine.
Second shot.
Okay, now, remember, Deej.
I know.
Stop, drop and roll.
No, that's what you do in case of a fire.
It might work here, though.
Go ahead.
Go, baby.
Go, baby.
Go, baby.
All right, one big one! High five, low five, on the side.
Dad, no one does that anymore.
Oh.
Sorry, I just got carried away with all this father-daughter fun.
Okay.
Hey, Deej! The pins are that way, Mr.
T.
What a nice surprise.
D.
J.
, we have to get to the mall right away.
Dad, aren't you up? Oh.
Right.
Guess who's down at the food court spreading more rumors about you.
Todd Mitchell.
We have to put a stop to this.
Hey, Dad, this has really been a lot of fun but do you mind if I go down to the mall with Kimmy? Right now? Deej, we're only in the second frame.
I paid for 10.
Well, one of my friends really needs me.
Thanks for understanding.
You're the best, Dad.
I won't be out too late.
This is so much fun.
Let's join that father-daughter league.
You bet, sweetheart.
- Hey, Dad? - All right, D.
J.
, you're back.
Can I borrow 10 bucks? Oh, sure.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
High five.
[PINS CRASHING] Daddy, Daddy, I got a strike! That's my girl.
I love you, Daddy.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Deej.
Was everything all right at the mall? Yeah, fine.
Deej, don't you think we should talk? Okay.
So how did you bowl? No, not about that.
I mean, what's going on with you.
I know you're having some kind of problem.
Dad, give me a break, it's no big deal.
Since when is a mega-crisis nothing? Mega-crisis? Where did you get that? I don't know, it just kind of popped into my head just now.
You mean you just popped into my sock drawer and went through my personal property.
- How could you do that? - It was an accident.
- I was putting away your laundry.
- It's not Monday.
You were spying on me, and you know it.
What was I supposed to do? You wouldn't talk to me.
Maybe it was none of your business.
What's next, are you gonna bug my phone? Hey, I don't like that tone, young lady.
Well, I don't like you invading my privacy.
I'm your father, I'll invade Normandy if I want to.
Look, just stay out of my sock drawer, and stay out of my life.
- Get back here right now, D.
J.
- I can't wait to get out of this house.
Hold it.
I'm not through talking to you yet.
Well, I'm through listening.
See, you don't even knock.
You have no respect for my personal space.
Don't you dare tell me about respect.
You're yelling at me and slamming doors.
- What happened to my sweet little girl? - Don't you get it? I am not your little girl anymore.
Oh.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too.
Dad, I don't mean to hurt your feelings.
I just meant that I'm growing up.
I don't need to come to you with every little problem.
Why not? You used to tell me everything.
That's when I was a kid.
When you were my age, did you go tell your parents everything? No.
They were old.
They were my age.
Look, Dad, if there's some serious problem that I can't handle, I'm gonna come to you.
Just like I always did.
And I'll be here for you, Deej.
I know you will, Dad.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
I'm sorry, I should have never read that card.
Besides, switching laundry day threw off my whole cleaning schedule.
It's okay.
So you really wanna know about my mega-crisis? Hey, I don't wanna pry.
I'm dying to know.
Well, see, I got this rep as the worst kisser in the school.
Oh, thank God.
Dad, that is not a good thing.
Oh, right, that's bad, right.
You see, I never even kissed this guy, but he started spreading this ugly rumor.
So Kimmy and I tracked him down at the mall.
Kimmy got him in a headlock, and I threatened him with a squirt bottle of mustard until he told everybody the truth.
Well, he did the right thing.
Those stubborn mustard stains are murder to get out.
Deej, I know you're kind of busy right now but wouldn't it be nice if we could both set aside some time just to hang out with each other once in a while? Sure, Dad.
Let's go get some frozen yogurt.
My treat.
Do you mind if I drive? I'm gonna get my learner's permit in a couple months.
Oh, man, it never ends.
I'll tell you what, I'll drive.
You can work the radio, okay?