Full House s05e16 Episode Script

Crushed

- Now could we lick the spatula? - No, not yet.
Stephanie's birthday cake has to be perfect, so keep frosting.
Now could we lick the spatula? Yes, now we can lick the spatula.
It's about time.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Michelle.
Michelle, now we have to make some more frosting.
Gee, what a shame.
Okay, let's see, it's Friday, right? That means I clean the baby bottles, and you clean the baby bottoms.
Hey, there's my two biggest fans.
Boy, Rock, I gotta get more sleep.
I'm seeing double.
Oh, would you look at that? I got them laughing again.
Well, Joey, don't get too excited.
They crack up at anything.
Yeah, yesterday I blew my nose, they busted a gut.
I'll make them laugh.
Hello, I'm Michelle-winkle.
I said, I'm Michelle-winkle.
Get it? Hey, what's your problem? This is funny stuff.
Don't worry, sweetie, I think they're just tired.
- Boys, you need your beauty sleep.
- You mean "ruggedly handsome" sleep.
Oh, yeah, right.
Ruggedly handsome.
- Say goodbye, Uncle Joey.
- Bye.
I wanna be funny like you.
No problem at all, Michelle.
Welcome to Joey Gladstone's Comedy College.
You'll have those babies laughing so hard there won't be a dry diaper in the house.
[LAUGHING LOUDLY] Ha-ha-ha! Not a bad power-laugh.
A little more power, less laugh.
Ha-ha-ha! MICHELLE: Ha-ha! - Hey, not bad.
[LAUGHS LOUDLY] MICHELLE: Ha-ha! JOEY: There you go.
Come on, Dad.
Please take me to your show today.
I gotta meet Tommy Page.
Maybe he'll autograph his picture.
I'll try to get him to sign it, but you cannot cut school - because a rock star's on my show.
- He's not just any rock star.
His poster's hanging over my bed.
He's the last thing I see before I fall asleep.
Except the inside of my eyelids.
This is so cute.
Stephanie's first childhood crush.
You know, I had the same thing with George Michael.
Until his earrings got bigger than mine.
I am not a child.
Today is my 10th birthday.
The big 1-0.
Dad, I can't believe you wouldn't let your own daughter meet her all-time, favorite singer in the whole universe on her birthday.
And I thought you loved me.
Great guilt trip.
Thanks.
Did it work? No.
I'm losing my touch.
Okay, get out of here and have fun at school.
You know, Dad, that was pretty cold.
I mean, it is her birthday, and she does worship the guy.
Look, I'm gonna tell you something, but you gotta keep it a secret.
I told Tommy what a big fan Stephanie is and he agreed to stop by her party after school today.
Dad, Stephanie's gonna go nuts.
I know.
Am I the raddest, baddest dad a kid ever had? You were until you said that.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] Here you go, boys.
Wow! [MUSIC STOPS] [CHEERING] Say yo, yo, yo! This is Joey-Joe Badstone at Stephanie Tanner's pumping up the jams and jamming up the pumps, you know what I'm saying.
Yeah, hey, neither do I.
All right, everybody, party.
[MARKY MARK AND THE FUNKY BUNCH'S "GOOD VIBRATIONS" PLAYING] Uncle Jesse, none of the boys will dance.
Well, all right, I'll help you out here.
All right, fellas, listen up.
Now, I realize you guys might be a little shy around women.
You know, you're wondering if you're over-moussed, under- deodorized.
I know how you feel.
You mean, you were shy around girls? No, what am I, a dork? Go ask them to dance.
[IN UNISON] No! Girls, all right, it's ladies' choice.
Grab your favorite guy and go for it.
Ho-ho-ho-ho! Not me.
The little ones.
[IN UNISON] Ew! Where's Tommy Page? Tell him his love slave is ready to fulfill his every wish.
D.
J.
, why did you tell Kimmy? Because I tell Kimmy everything.
Okay, then tell her to go home.
No can do, Mr.
T.
I saw Tommy's limo outside.
Now, where are you hiding that hunkalicious boy toy? He's waiting downstairs.
Freeze, Gibbler, I need him in one piece.
Now, look, right now I want the two of you to go out there and tell Jesse and Joey that we're ready, all right? And, Kimmy, please, don't do anything to embarrass us.
I'll be a perfect lady, until I see Tommy.
Then you'll have to hose me down.
DANNY: Tommy.
D.
J.
: Joey, he's ready.
All right.
[MUSIC STOPS] Everybody, please move back.
Stephanie, please have a seat right here, honey.
Sweetheart, this is my special gift from me to you.
[SCREAMING] Tommy Page! [SCREAMING] [SINGING] Happy birthday, Stephanie.
[CHEERING] - Thanks.
- Happy birthday, sweetheart.
Dad, he's the best birthday present ever.
Can I keep him? Deej, you can let go now.
I'll be cool.
Tommy! - Hello.
- Hi.
I'm Stephanie's best friend, Kimmy Gibbler.
Can I have your autograph? Just sign it, "To Kimmy, the woman of my dreams.
" Kimmy, he writes music, not science fiction.
No, look, it's no problem.
- Where do you want me to sign it? - Oh, here, autograph my shoe.
[IN UNISON] Ew! Okay, that's enough.
- But wait a minute, he didn't sign it yet.
- That's fine, everything's beautiful.
Tommy, I've never seen that woman before in my life.
Thanks so much for coming.
Uh, would you sign my CD? You're the birthday girl.
Thanks, be right back.
Don't move.
Watch him till I get back.
Thanks for your help on the piano.
Really sounded great.
It was my pleasure, thank you.
You know, I-- I dabble in music myself there, Tom.
You heard of my band, Jesse and the Rippers? Yeah, didn't you play in Seattle this summer? Yes, we did, yes.
Played a little club near the university over there.
Oh, cool, yeah, I was playing at the Kingdome.
Kingdome, that's nice.
If you're into, you know, big stadiums and a lot of money.
I prefer to play the small, intimate places where I can split a pizza with my audience.
If you'll excuse us.
Hi, Tommy.
My name is Michelle.
Well, hi, Michelle.
It's really nice to meet you.
My birthday's in November.
Start working on my song.
- You're funny.
- I'm in comedy college.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Hi, I'm Stephanie's sister, D.
J.
Is this your first time in San Francisco? Yeah, but I haven't had the chance to see anything.
You should go down to Chinatown and Fisherman's Wharf.
Maybe you could show me around tomorrow.
Me? I'd love to.
I'm back, I'm back, I'm back.
Sorry I took so long.
Whoa, Steph, how many gallons of perfume did you put on? I just put on one little dab.
On every inch of my body.
Could you sign this? I'll treasure it forever.
Sure.
"To Stephanie.
Love, Tommy.
" There you go.
Which sounds better, Comet? Mrs.
Tommy Page? Stephanie Page? Stephanie Tanner Page? Or Mrs.
Stephanie Judith Tanner Page? No, Comet, you don't get a belly rub until we decide what's going on these wedding invitations.
[DOOR OPENS] [D.
J.
GIGGLING] Hey, thanks for a great day, Tommy.
I never ate tacos in a limo before.
Actually, I've never been in a limo before.
Yeah, I figured that out when you went to go sit up in the front seat with the chauffeur.
Do you wanna come to my concert tonight? I can get you backstage passes.
Yeah, that would be great.
TOMMY: Great, well, I gotta go downstairs, Jesse's waiting for me.
I promised Stephanie I'd make her a tape of that song.
Well, thanks for a really great day.
I'll see you later.
Yes.
Okay, Alex, Nicky, I'm gonna teach you your first word.
Are you ready? Mommy.
Mommy.
Nicky, Alex, get ready to laugh because here comes the first graduate of Joey Gladstone's Comedy College.
Michelle "Shecky" Tanner.
Boy, do I got a headache.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Maybe you didn't see this arrow in my head.
Joey, I'm dying out here.
Well, Michelle, maybe you should just go to your big finish.
Do I have to do this? Mm-hm.
Everybody knows that a pie in the face is the oldest joke in the book.
But we also know that it always gets a laugh.
- Okay, let me have it.
- Okay.
Are you ready? I'm ready.
I did it.
I am funny! Michelle, I'm supposed to throw the pie in your face.
This was funnier.
Well, just for that, you get a big sloppy kiss.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! - Hi, Steph.
- Hello.
Aunt Becky, can we talk woman to woman? Sure, but I thought you'd be downstairs listening to Tommy record your song.
This is more important.
What would you do if another woman stole Uncle Jesse from you? That would never happen because your Uncle Jesse and I have a loving and committed relationship based on mutual trust and respect.
She'd never know what hit her.
Got it, Aunt Becky.
She's toast.
Whoa, wait a minute.
Is this about a boy at your party? Well, yeah, sort of.
He really liked me but another woman stole my man right out from under my nose.
The scuzz-queen.
You're kidding.
So who is this scuzz-queen? Well, she was like a sister to me.
But not anymore.
I'm gonna win him back.
There's nothing wrong with letting him know why you're the one he should be with.
Right, and if that doesn't work, she's toast.
I know he's here.
Where'd you stash him? Tommy's in the studio recording.
But I can't go down until the red light's off.
All right, Tanner, I want details.
What happened with you and Tommy? Before or after he kissed me? No.
You were lip wrestling with the stud puppy? I am so happy for you.
Now mind if I take a crack at him? Yes, I mind.
He's not running a kissing booth.
We're starting a real relationship.
Hey, it was worth a shot.
Well, good luck, Deej.
When that red light goes off, it's a green light for love.
[SINGS "STEPHANIE"] All right, good job.
Come on out.
That was nice of you to write that song for Stephanie.
Thanks, but I gotta be honest.
I didn't write it for Stephanie.
I wrote it for my girlfriend, Melanie.
I just changed all the Melanies to Stephanies.
Do me a favor, don't mention it to Stephanie.
Do me a favor, don't mention it to Melanie.
Just happened to see the red light go off.
Not that I was waiting for the red light to go off, because I have a life.
But since the light did go off, thought I'd come down and see why.
- Oh, hi, Tommy.
- Hi, D.
J.
- Oh, hi, Tommy.
- Oh, hi, Stephanie.
Oh, that's right.
I'm the invisible uncle, I forgot.
I'm gonna get a drink.
What do you want, Tommy? - Ice tea, lemon, no sugar.
- Ice tea, lemon, no sugar.
Say the magic word, "Tommy," and bada bing, I'm back in the room.
I got the party pictures back.
Here's a nice one of us, suitable for framing.
Steph, don't you have something to do? Don't you worry your pretty little pointed head about me.
I don't think Tommy wants to look at pictures of a 10-year-old's birthday party.
No, it's okay.
No, D.
J.
's right.
You'd probably rather look at pictures of her.
- Hm? - What pictures? Here's one of D.
J.
when she had the mumps.
[LAUGHING] Doesn't she remind you of Mr.
Potato Head? Give me that.
- Here's my favorite: D.
J.
's first bath.
- Oh! - You're dead.
- And in this one - you can see a little rash on her fanny.
- Yeah, check it out.
That's it.
Excuse us, but I would like to have a little chat with my sister.
No, that's okay.
I don't really feel like chatting.
I do, now.
Don't worry, Tommy, I'll be right back.
No, she won't, I promise.
Stephanie, how could you do this to me? What about what you did to me, you backstabbing, boyfriend-stealing traitor? What? You thought Tommy was your boyfriend? - You're dreaming.
- He was too my boyfriend.
- Girls-- - And he's gonna dump you and come back to me after he finds out you drool in your sleep.
I do not.
Yes, you do, and I have the picture to prove it.
- Hey-- - Where did you get that? You didn't know I took this, did you? I knew it would come in handy.
- All right.
- Give me that, you little worm.
Girls.
Girls.
- What's this all about? - I don't know, but there they go.
- Girls.
DANNY: D.
J.
- Come on.
JESSE: Give me that.
Hey, Jesse, what is going on here? Next time you bring a star home, try Angela Lansbury.
Stephanie thinks Tommy is her boyfriend.
She's showing him embarrassing pictures of me.
He was too my boyfriend till you stole him.
- You're insane.
- I am not insane.
He signed my CD, "Love, Tommy.
" He signed my CD, "Love, Tommy.
" But he wrote a special song just for me.
And he kissed me.
I love him, and he loves me.
Look, Steph, I know you feel very strongly about this and I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I don't think this is really love.
I think it's just a crush, you know? Steph, your dad's right.
You know, when it's really love, your-- Your heart starts pounding and-- And your toes curl, and you start sweating-- Well, this isn't it.
Hey, Steph? Look, we all know what you're going through, okay? And sometimes you wish for something so badly that you start believing it's true.
Yeah, Steph, face reality.
Tommy was just being nice.
He's not in love with you.
He's in love with me.
What? When did this happen? You just met him.
Well, I know we only spent a couple hours together and it's true we haven't talked about commitment yet but I think it's getting pretty serious.
You know that nice little talk we just had with Stephanie? Now I think we're gonna have that talk with you.
Dad, Stephanie is a child.
I am a woman.
Is it safe for me to come up yet? Tommy, would you please straighten everybody out about what's going on between us? Well, D.
J.
and I had a really fun day, and I hope that we can be good friends.
Friends? You mean, just friends? Yeah.
I'm sorry if you misunderstood.
Well, now that she's out of the way, I guess it's just you and me, Thomas.
Stephanie, I wanna be friends with you too.
You mean friends like you're just friends with D.
J.
? Uh-huh.
But you wrote "Love, Tommy" on my CD.
I always write, "Love, Tommy.
" Sometimes I'll even forget and I'll write it for a guy.
Yeah, you-- You gotta watch that.
Look, I didn't mean to cause any trouble.
I hope you'll still come to my concert tonight, okay? - I gotta go.
Nice meeting you all.
- Nice meeting you.
- Thanks for this.
- Thanks a lot.
Thanks a lot, Tommy.
Tommy, are you leaving? Yeah, but it was really great meeting you, Michelle.
Wow, you are such a babe.
Thanks.
Goodbye.
I'm gonna marry him.
Oh, man, it never ends.
Can I help you? Well, I thought if I'm miserable and you're miserable we might as well be miserable together.
Sit.
Be miserable.
I was so dumb.
I was so sure he liked me.
At least you didn't make up wedding invitations.
You know what the weirdest part is? Everything Dad, Joey, and Uncle Jesse said was right.
I hate when that happens.
If this was just a crush, I don't know if I can take it when I really fall in love.
What's that gonna feel like? I don't know.
I don't think I've ever really been in love before.
But I hear it's pretty intense.
I hear the same thing.
You know what I just realized? I am sitting here talking to you about love and boys.
Steph, you're really growing up.
I must be.
Because ever since I turned 10, life got so complicated.
Well, one day we are gonna be dating like crazy and I want you to know that I will never ever steal one of your boyfriends.
Because guys are gonna come, and guys are gonna go but you and I will be sisters forever.
Sisters forever.
And I want every one of those embarrassing pictures back.
You got them.
- And the negatives.
- We'll talk.
[MUISC PLAYS] [TOMMY SINGING "STEPHANIE" ON RECORDING]