Fuller House (2016) s03e05 Episode Script

Uncle Jesse's Adventures in Babysitting

1 La, la, la, la, la, la Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy The evening TV Everywhere you look, everywhere you go There's a heart A hand to hold onto Everywhere you look, everywhere you go There's a face Somebody who needs you Everywhere you look When you're lost out there And you're all alone A light is waiting to carry you home Everywhere you look La, la, la, la, la, la Oh, boy.
We really have made a mess.
Don't worry.
DJ will be cool with it.
What? What have you done to my kitchen? I am not cool with this.
Wow.
I was way off.
FBI, Kimmy thinks tonight is a simple housewarming dinner at the old Gibbler house.
Don't you mean FYI? No.
FBI.
Fernando's Big Information.
So, FYI, Kimmy does not know that Jimmy and I have painstakingly restored her childhood home back to its full Gibbler glory.
Really? Like, every weird artifact? - Even the egg-shaped - Yes.
- Not the humongous - Yes.
- What about the rubber - No, no.
You can only find those in Thailand.
Now, remember.
Not one word to Kimmy.
- [KIMMY] Hey, Deej.
- Hey.
I said not one word.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
So, check it out.
Got my cast off.
- Nice.
- [DJ] That's great.
And now I can finally take a real shower.
- [KIMMY] Oh, hallelujah! - [DJ] Thank goodness.
In other news, Kimmy, I want you to know, the only reason I'm going to this party is because Jimmy invited me.
Not because I'm curious to see the house.
You've never been inside? Nope.
I was not welcome.
Oh, sweet cheese.
You chose not to come over.
Because when I was five, you told me your house was haunted.
It was haunted.
By a friendly ghost named Mr.
Mutchnik.
You are such a liar, liar, pants on fire.
You owe me an apology.
I do not, because I'm not a liar.
As far as the pants-on-fire thing, that was one time at a fondue restaurant.
Come on, you guys.
Just say you're sorry so we can have fun tonight.
- You're right.
I'm sorry - Thank you.
that you're out of your mind.
In that case, I'm sorry - Thank you.
- that you're an idiot.
Girls, you are killing the she-wolf vibe.
Yeah, let's put aside our squabbling and enjoy being part of the pack.
[HOWLS] - [ALL] No.
- [KIMMY] You're not allowed to.
Hey, everybody.
Hey.
Cuteness has arrived.
And I also brought the baby.
Hi, Uncle Jesse.
Becky's doing the show from New York.
I've been stuck with this butterball all by myself.
I'm jonesing for adult conversation.
[ALL TALK IN BABY SPEAK] Still jonesing.
Come here.
Here's adult conversation.
We're going out tonight, so you're babysitting all of our kids.
Oh, goody.
And can you work some of that Uncle Jesse magic on Jackson and Max? Sharing a room is driving them nuts.
You bet.
I never met a kid I couldn't handle.
Except this one.
Just won't go to sleep for me at night.
But tonight that is all gonna change.
Oh! And you do need a change.
Here.
Hi, Uncle Jesse.
[RAMONA] Oh, hey, Jesse.
- Hey! - [MAX] Hey, Jesse, Pamela.
There's all the kids I love so much.
Small, medium, large, and Pneumonia, was it? - It's Ramona.
- That's what I said Ramonia.
- Ramona.
- Ramonia.
- Ra - Ra - Mo Na.
- Mo Nia.
Come on, come on, Pamela Donaldson Katsopolis.
I need you to go to sleep.
Please.
No, no.
Will you go to sleep? All right.
Here's your binky.
Here's your bibby.
And here's your woobie.
Great.
Come on.
I need you to get serious.
Watch the little purple bee.
Watch the bee go round, and round, and round [SCREAMS] [PAMELA LAUGHS] You woke me! You little crazy! It's not funny.
It's not funny.
Jesse.
I need your help.
Pretend you're a cute guy.
Ouch.
You know what I mean.
Pretend you're a young guy.
Ouch! Anyway, I'm starting high school soon, and I want a new look.
Should I go blonde or curly? Oh.
Do not go blonde.
Maintaining blonde roots are a nightmare! I can help you with a perm.
- You've done it for Becky? - No, for myself.
One of my many hairstyles over the years.
Here you go.
You got your classic mullet Jesse.
Your perm Jesse.
Yeah.
Farrah Fawcett Jesse.
And your Rachel-from-Friends Jesse.
Hey! What did you do to my bed? I turned it into an enchanted dinosaur village.
Dinosaurs don't live in villages, genius.
Well, mine do.
It's called "imagination.
" Well, this is called "retaliation.
" That's it! You jerk! That took me an hour to make! [JESSE] Whoa, whoa! Hold it there.
Get off! He's a little turd.
And he's not living up to his potential.
Stop it now, guys.
Just say, "I love you" and hug.
Now! What a grump-opotamus.
Get over it.
I love you, hug, go.
[MAX AND JACKSON SIGH] Fine.
I love you.
Fine.
I love you, too.
Good enough.
Say, who has two thumbs and can fix any kid problem? This guy.
Why do you talk like that? Guess who will choose to ignore that? This guy.
[PAMELA] Daddy? Daddy? Oh, God.
That baby won't go to sleep.
Here's a very good lesson in parenting.
Let them cry.
Show them who's boss.
[PAMELA SHOUTS] Daddy! Coming, baby angel! It feels so strange being back here.
I walked in and out of this door every time I walked in and out of this house.
Oh, look! It's the clown doorbell.
Do you remember what we used to do? [CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS] [FERNANDO] Hola, neighbors.
Let me get the door for you.
[BOLT SLIDES] Welcome to your childhood home, where the past is present.
And my present to you is your past.
Please stay with the group.
And no flash photography.
It's It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen! I know! I'm a miracle worker.
I feel like I'm home again.
I feel like I should call and let someone know where I am.
It is great going down, but, man, it is a bear going back up.
And you found [FARTING] Dad's farting chair.
[DEEPER FARTING] And your mother's, too.
You did all of this for me? You're the most wonderful man.
In the whole wide world.
I want you to feel at home, so one day, this can be your home.
[FARTING] Oh.
You have a farting couch, too.
No, that was me.
The only thing that I don't see is your ghost.
There's a ghost? [LAUGHING] Not that I believe in ghosts, but Is there a ghost here? There is no ghost.
Kimmy told a big lie.
Your hair color's a big lie.
Girls, please stop fighting.
All of our hair colors are a big lie.
Yeah, be nice or somebody's getting a time-out.
Me! Me, me, me! OK, Kimmy.
You know the drill.
Yeah.
What is she doing? Oh.
The Gibblers had a unique way of disciplining their children.
I'm a bad, bad girl! Hey, Jimmy.
Remember when Mom and Dad stuck us up here and went to Napa? Shh! No talking during time-out.
If you don't want to sleep by yourself, sleep with your cousin.
Ebony and Ivory? Sleep together in perfect harmony.
No, don't jump.
Go to sleep.
Don't you jump.
[BOTH LAUGHING] [JACKSON] I'm gonna kill you! I'll be right back.
Keep jumping.
Hey.
What's going on? When did Legos get so big? I fell asleep doing my homework, and Max built a wall around me.
I wanted to make my room great again.
I'm busting out of here.
Yeah, that's right.
I'm tough.
Yeah, you just busted through a toy wall that's recommended for ages 3 to 7.
So you I'm almost in high school.
Why do I have to share a room with a fourth grader? Because Mom wants me to help you with your homework.
Boom! What has two thumbs and just burned their brother? This guy! All right, A, stop stealing my bits.
Two, get along or I'll separate you.
Good.
Do it.
Please.
Do it.
Well, I did it.
Say hi to your roommates.
You can't do this.
Oh, yes, he can.
And he did.
And I'm loving it! - Hello? - What? You forgot my perm solution? Oh, right, OK.
All right.
The three of you, get to sleep right now.
Uncle Jesse, what about dinner? You kids are so high-maintenance.
I'll make you dinner.
Come with me.
We'll walk and squeeze.
Walk and squeeze.
Walk, squeeze.
And walk.
Work.
Are we gonna have any fun? [PAMELA] No.
Cotton candy on the cob is delicious.
It is in season.
Kimmy, when did your mom and dad move out? Y2K.
They built a bunker in the Everglades.
They'd be so disappointed to know the world never ended.
That's why we didn't tell them.
Well, I have seen a lot of weird things here tonight, but no ghost.
[ORGAN PLAYS] Mr.
Mutchnik.
Welcome back.
What just happened? Nothing.
Kimmy's trying to scare us.
Pathetic.
You OK, Matt? Yeah, yeah.
I just wanted to tell you what I want for Christmas.
Which is to leave right now.
For the last time, there is no ghost.
[CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS] [NEIGHING SOUND] OK, so there's a slight chance that there might be an itty-bitty baby ghost.
[CIRCUS MUSIC STOPS] And he kidnapped Matt.
No, no, I'm good.
I'm just here looking for my contact lens.
Honey.
You don't wear contacts.
Fine.
I'm looking for my courage.
So, was I right, or was I right? Well, it's possible that you might be not wrong.
So, I was right! Ooh, it's like a hot-fudge sundae for my soul.
Booyah! That doesn't change the fact that when I was a kid, you made me feel like the annoying tagalong little sister that nobody wanted around.
Well, you were.
But now, you're the annoying tagalong little sister that we do want around.
Oh.
Thanks, Kimmy.
I'm sorry I called you a liar.
I'm sorry I never made you feel welcome here when we were kids.
Come here, squirt.
Oh! The she-wolf pack is back! [ALL HOWL] [ORGAN PLAYS] Sorry, I thought I turned that off.
Wait a second.
You rigged all this? Uh-huh, because DJ told me to.
What? No, I didn't.
Excuse me, but you said you wanted Kimmy and Steph to stop arguing so obviously you wanted me to create the illusion of a ghost using an elaborate series of pulleys, levers, and electronic devices, duh! Wow, I have to be careful about what I say around you.
You all do.
So, it turns out that Kimmy was wrong and I was right.
Ooh, it's like a hot-fudge sundae for my soul.
Booyah! [CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS] Ha-ha, Jimmy.
Joke's over.
I'm not doing that.
He's back! [SCREAMING] I am starting to understand why this house was so cheap.
Come on, boy.
Come on, boy.
Come on, boy.
There we go.
Come on, girl.
Come on.
Come on, little doggies.
Come on, come on.
Come on, over here.
Come on.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Sit.
Sit.
All right.
Sit.
Sit.
Stay.
Who gets a treat? - [BOTH] Me! - OK.
Good.
Here.
While you guys eat these, here you go, I'm just gonna tie you up very quickly, so you don't escape.
There we go.
Good? Now Oh, I know.
Here.
- You guys wanna draw? - [PAMELA] Yeah.
Let's draw something cool.
Let's draw me.
You forgot about my hair? And why are those kids tied up like dogs? They wouldn't sleep, so I took them outside to walk.
They chased a cat, did their business, I brought them back.
Uncle Jesse, behind you.
My "Have Mercy" burgers.
Have mercy! They're done.
You think? [BEEPING] Smoke alarm is going off.
You think? [YELLS] [ALARM STOPS BEEPING] Ouch! My scalp is tingling.
When do I rinse this out? Rinse what out? Oh, that! Right now.
Go upstairs, take the curlers out, I'll be right up.
I better end up looking like the girl on the box.
She was Swedish and six-foot-two.
But I'll do what I can.
[GROANS] No! Why did you guys draw on there? I gave you paper.
You're supposed to draw on the paper.
Not the wall.
Not the come on.
Stay away from the kids.
He's covered in mud.
Get off me, Costco.
Get off.
Off.
Off.
Off.
Cosmo played in a mud puddle.
You think? Hey, are my burgers done? No, your burgers are burnt, because I told you to watch them and tell me when they were done.
[JACKSON] I watched them for a little while, but it got boring.
Uh-huh.
Anyway, looks like they're done.
Get out! There! Now you're having duck burgers.
Guess what, Max? I took a visit to my old room, and I "accidentally" wiped my nose on your stupid unicorn.
[SHOUTS] You monster! This is for Uni! Hey, hey! You're dead! But I feel so alive! [JACKSON] Take that! All over your new shirt, too.
Take that! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! I've had just about enough from you guys! I'll make you wish you had never been born! Hi, girls.
How was dinner? [STEPHANIE] What? What's happening? Oh, my God.
You're gonna do my dry cleaning! It's not as bad as it looks.
Look what Jesse did to me.
That's as bad as it looks, yeah.
[HIGH-PITCHED] I look like a troll from the movie Trolls.
My life is over.
And I can't get my voice to stop doing this! Why are the babies tied to a bar stool? What? [DJ GASPS] And why are they coloring all over my island? And on their faces? - What happened to the drapes? - Why does it smell of smoke? Why are you covered in fire retardant? And why are you cooking a ceramic duck? Well Because your kids are wild animals! This is how they express creativity.
I've always hated those drapes.
Where there's smoke, there's fire.
Which I tried to put out with this clearly faulty extinguisher.
And that duck needed to die! Any more questions? [ALARM BEEPING] Yeah.
What is that beeping? [GROWLS] Yeah, anyone could take the battery out.
I'm going upstairs to fix my hair.
[JESSE GROWLS] Well, that babysitter is not getting paid.
[SIGHS] Well, everything is cleaned up and back to normal.
Well, except for Ramona's hair.
She still looks like a giant Chia Pet.
Uncle Jesse, are you OK? No, I'm not.
I can't do this anymore.
You guys keep Pamela.
I'll come back in another 17 years.
Oh, she likes Elmo and Chance the Rapper.
Wait, wait, wait.
What happened to you tonight? I don't know.
I guess raising kids was harder than I remembered.
You think I lost my dad mojo? Are you kidding? Do you remember when you lived in this very room? If those pink bunnies were still on the walls, they would remind you of all the amazing dad talks you gave us right here.
Remember the time I got DJ's part in that Oat Boat commercial? She chased me 'round the kitchen, trying to murder me.
I remember that.
Yeah.
Uncle Jesse saved your life that night.
What is it about that kitchen that make kids want to kill each other? No matter how hard the problem was, you always found a solution.
You were always so patient and kind and sweet with us.
No matter how bad it was, you always found a way to make it better.
Where did that guy go? He's right here.
You just need to dig down through that grumpiness and crankiness and find that guy who has the biggest heart we've ever seen.
I was pretty awesome, wasn't I? All right, I'm gonna go take another try with the boys.
How did we get so good at this? We learned it from him.
Listen, I'm sorry that I lost my cool.
We deserved it.
No, this one was on me.
I wasn't listening to you guys.
I was talking at you, and I should have been talking to you.
- Can we try it again? - Yeah.
Come on.
Sit down.
Now, I get it.
It's got to be a bummer sharing a room.
There's got to be pluses, too.
I'm sure he helps you with your homework.
He does.
Must be great to have him there when you have nightmares.
Oh, it is.
You see? This is beautiful.
He's not just your brother.
He's your best friend.
He is.
Do you wanna try the I-love-you thing one more time? This time from the heart.
I love you, bro.
I love you, man.
I love both of you.
Come on, let's show your mom.
- Daddy! - I'm being paged.
[JESSE] I'm coming! Daddy! Daddy's here.
Daddy's here.
Can we try this falling asleep thing one more time, please? OK.
OK.
I'm gonna sing a song.
Ready? - OK.
- OK? - Baby, let me be - No! No, no, no, no.
From the heart.
Ah! - Baby, let me be - Bop, doo-wa-da-bop - Your lovin' teddy bear - Bop, bop, doo-wa-da-bop Put a chain around my neck And lead me anywhere Oh, let me be Oh, let him be Your teddy bear I just wanna be your teddy bear Ooh-ooh I still got it.
- One, two, three, four - [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] La, la, la, la, la, la [VOCALIZES]