Fuller House (2016) s04e09 Episode Script

Perfect Sons

1 La la la la la la Oh [CARLY RAE JEPSEN] Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy, the evening TV? Oh Everywhere you look Everywhere you go There's a heart, there's a heart, a hand to hold on to Everywhere you look, everywhere you go There's a face, there's a face of somebody who needs you There's a heart Everywhere you look, yeah When you're lost out there, and you're all alone A light is waiting to carry you home Everywhere you look La la la la la la Oh Oh-oh-oh, ooh Grandpa, Aunt Becky, this'll be perfect for your Kiddie Corner segment on Wake Up San Francisco.
Watch and be wowed.
[DING] Yeah.
I didn't expect to be wowed, but I am truly wowed.
Wow.
So, am I in, or am I in? Max, you are in.
This is your big TV debut.
It's funny.
I always thought it would just be you falling down a well.
But if you ever do fall down a well, we'd like the exclusive.
- But don't fall down a well.
- But if you do keep us on speed dial.
Uh, yeah.
Enough chitchatting.
I need to go pick out my outfit.
Oh, how about a nice argyle? Come with me.
You're the only one here who has any style.
Mm.
What? How dare he? I have style.
Aren't those the clothes you slept in? Shut up and help me move this.
That's it, Jackson.
I cannot teach you to drive.
- You are a maniac.
- We never even left the driveway.
You were texting.
You sent me the text.
It was a test.
It said, "Do not look at your texts.
" Guys, I'd be really happy to teach the young lad the rules of the road.
[BOTH] No.
What? I'm an excellent driving teacher.
Yeah.
Because it's always helpful when your teacher yells, "I don't wanna die!" Fine.
I'm going back to the television studio, where at least people have the common decency to pretend to respect me.
If you can't teach me, then what about Aunt Stephanie? No.
She crashed Joey's car into the kitchen.
Yeah, when I was eight.
I've only done it, like, twice since then.
What about Kimmy? I can show you how to steer with my belly.
- Fernando.
He's a race-car driver.
- He's had eight races this season.
He's crashed nine times.
There is 57 people living in this house, and no one can teach me.
- Where's Danny? - Oh, he left.
Was he your ride? It was my car.
Ooh, la la, ooh-la-la Oh, Kimberlina, Ramona, I am so glad to see you.
Do not panic.
But my mother will be here any minute.
Grandma Nadia? No.
Your mother is like The Devil Wears Prada.
But without the Prada.
So she's the Devil? Don't talk about your grandmother that way.
Why didn't you tell me this evil woman is coming? She didn't tell me.
It's just a complete sneak attack, like Pearl Harbor or Beyoncé's Lemonade album.
Fernando, I need more warning than this.
She hates me.
She does not hate you.
Oh, wait.
Did you say "hate you"? Oh, yeah, she hates you.
She always introduces me as "what's her name.
" Think that's bad? She hasn't forgiven me for not going into the family business.
- What is the family business? - None of your business.
Before this darkness descends upon our house, there are a few things I have not yet told my mother.
Little things, like the fact that we got divorced and re-engaged the same day with the help of a falcon.
And that I live next door in a haunted house.
- Why haven't you told her the truth? - I could never.
The only thing she hates more than Kimmy is divorce and Beyoncé's Lemonade album.
She's gonna find out the truth now.
Or perhaps we could pretend that this is my house and that we all live here with D.
J.
, our housekeeper, and her three sons.
It's not that much of a stretch.
D.
J.
does fold a lot of laundry.
I'm not comfortable lying to Grandma.
I will pay you an exorbitant sum.
What's a little white lie? [DOORBELL RINGS] [BOTH] It's her! [SCREAMS] Real mature.
I'll get it.
Kimberlina.
Another thing.
What if you told my mother that the baby is ours? She'll be so nice to you, like when you were pregnant with Ramona.
Mm, that was nice.
Wait.
No.
No, I refuse to lie about Stephanie's baby.
No matter what Nadia says to me, no matter what she thinks, I will stay strong.
Fernandito.
Mama! Nadia.
Hello, what's her name.
Nadia, I refuse to let you treat me this way anymore.
[SPANISH ACCENT] Because I'm pregnant with your grandchild.
Kimberlina! Ooh, la la la la la [GASPS] Can you stop gasping every time you get a new YouTube subscriber? It's not that.
Mrs.
Culkin just posted our grades from today's social-studies test.
Let me guess.
Another "A"? No.
I failed.
You mean, I'm not the only disappointment any more? Yes.
In your face.
Maybe this is it.
I've peaked.
It's all downhill.
I'm doomed to a life of failure and disappointment.
I should call Joey to see what to expect.
Wait.
It says you got a "B".
Everyone knows "B" stands for "basically an 'A'.
" I'm pretty sure it stands for, "Bye-bye, hopes and dreams.
Hello, Dartmouth.
" Once again, it's pronounced Dart-mouth.
[DOORBELL RINGS] It's always open.
Hey, Deej.
I just saw Fernando put up an Argentinian flag outside the house and then scurry away.
He does that sometimes.
I'm so glad you're here.
I was trying to teach Jackson how to drive, and I got so anxious.
What if he fails, and it's all my fault? And then he writes a memoir called The Fault in Our Cars.
Don't worry.
I'll teach him how to drive.
Really? Oh.
Awesome.
This is gonna work out.
It'll be nice to have some one-on-one time with Jackson.
We haven't had a chance to hang out since I got back from L.
A.
I'm going to go tell the lucky driver now.
Oh, you're a life-saver.
That was a lot of Halloweens ago.
D.
J.
, this is my mother Nadia.
She's here on a quick business trip.
Oh, how nice.
What kind of business? None of yours.
Mama, D.
J.
is the one I told you about.
Ah, yes.
You know, in Argentina, you do not find many homes that can accommodate the housekeeper and all her children.
Thank you for that random fact about Argentina.
If you don't mind, I would like to show my mother the rest of the house.
Be my guest.
I was just straightening up.
D.
J.
's very tidy.
Thank you for that random fact about me.
D.
J.
, I'm parched from my trip.
Where is the tea? Oh, it's in the kitchen.
Or I could make it for you.
And make it snappy.
Fernandito, your living room is so nautical.
Yet you have always been so afraid of the sea.
Was I? I don't recall.
Yes, it's true.
We tried everything for him, even immersion therapy.
Surprisingly, holding someone under the water does not cure them from their fear of drowning.
[GASPS] Aah.
Ai, Fernandito.
Protect me from these intruders.
Don't let the muscled one stroke my hair.
Mama, it's okay.
This is Stephanie and Jimmy.
They live here, too.
Actually, I live at Fernando's house.
Yes, Jimmy.
There, there, you're right.
He's a little slow, but he's my brother, so I love him.
Now run along, Jimmy.
Here's your sponge.
Oh, wow.
I'm gonna soak up so much stuff.
Kimmy, speak with you privately about a lot of things? D.
J.
's sister.
She probably wants to talk about the rent.
Always money problems, that one.
[CACKLES] Would you tell me what's going on? Oh, not much.
Just pretending that I'm still married to Fernando and that this is his house and D.
J.
is our live-in maid.
Do I have a part in this? Yes.
You're the irresponsible moocher who dates my slow brother and his sponge.
Oh, not that much different than the real story.
Uh, anything else? That's everything.
Oh, and we also told her that this is Fernando's baby.
Kimmy! Do-yah doo-Dow Hey, Max.
Must be nice having a relative with his own morning show.
I got here on my merit, Spencer.
My grandfather's going to treat me just like anyone else.
Aw, there's my brilliant grandson.
I can't wait to treat you better than everyone else.
Oh, hey, Aunt Becky.
Oh, there's my favorite nephew.
Wow, that outfit we picked out looks fabulous.
Is there anyone here you're not related to? Um, uh oh, the camerawoman doesn't look familiar.
That's your cousin, Carol.
So you must be one of my other child prodigies.
- Hi.
My name is Spen - Not my grandson, not interested.
Well, at least I didn't get a "B".
One "B" doesn't mean anything.
You know who says that? People who get "B"s.
Ooh, la la la la la You were doing great until the car broke down.
On the plus side, for the one mile you actually drove, you only hit two garbage cans.
- How is that a plus? - You missed the other four.
Oh, yeah.
I am a great driver.
I wouldn't exactly say that.
You have the unearned confidence of a Kardashian.
- Which one? - Doesn't matter.
We'll get to the bottom of this.
Let's pop the old hood.
Aha.
It's exactly what I thought.
What we have here is a worn out, um uh Should we call AAA? Hold on.
I haven't even had a chance to work my magic yet.
Please.
Think I don't know how to fix a car? I don't.
Ooh-ooh I have fixed your nursery.
I think you will be very pleased, if you know what's good for you.
Behold.
[GASPS] Dios mio! That is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Now it will be like I am always watching over the baby.
Like a hawk.
Aah.
Whoa.
That looks like Fernando and his hot sister.
How dare you.
That is Fernando and his hot mother.
Wow.
So, uh so you painted over the mural that D.
J.
made for Tommy while she was pregnant and working a full-time job.
Ah.
You are very welcome.
Do not mention it.
Oh, I'm gonna mention it.
I'm never gonna stop mentioning it.
[D.
J.
] Tommy, time for preschool.
D.
J.
is gonna be furious.
We can't let her see this.
Look, everyone.
It's D.
J.
- Oh.
- Here's Tommy.
Off to preschool you go.
- But I just wanna change - No.
Change it in the car.
Yeah, it's much more challenging.
Bye.
La la la la, la la la la la Ooh-ooh-ooh Oh, that's my son, right there.
This is his first appearance on Kiddie Korner.
You know he has 200 YouTube subscribers.
Yeah, we'll talk later.
[INTRO MUSIC PLAYS] Welcome back to Wake Up San Francisco's Kiddie Korner, where exceptional San Francisco kids get to meet an exceptional San Francisco television morning talk show host.
[MUSIC ENDS] Thank you.
I was talking about me.
When are you not? Young Spencer here is teaching people how to upcycle items they would typically throw away.
Yes.
I converted these wine bottles into light fixtures, flower vases, and even night lights.
Wow.
And I thought the wheel was a great idea.
That's a lot of wine bottles.
You must have a great fake ID, kid.
Next, it's my esteemed pleasure to introduce my gifted grandson.
And my gifted nephew.
No nepotism here.
Except for the obvious nepotism.
Max Fuller is a loving brother, a dog owner, and a straight-A student.
[COUGHS] Sorry, I think I just swallowed a "B.
" Max has an incredible Rube Goldberg project that he made for school.
He used common items he had at home with the goal of getting a quarter to land in a piggy bank.
Yes.
Without further ado But it worked at home.
It's okay, honey.
It's okay.
It was still great.
No, it wasn't.
It was a disaster.
First I get a "B," and now this? I'm a fraud.
I know it.
Spencer knows it.
Now everyone knows it.
Now that's what I call a Rube Goldberg.
Great job, Max.
Doo Dee ee oh Try it now.
Try it now.
Try it now.
What are we trying exactly? Not sure, but that's what guys always say when they're under the hood.
I'll be honest.
Only thing I know how to do with a car engine is cook a tri-tip.
- You can do that? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, totally.
My dad taught me.
He learned it in the army.
I can definitely go for a steak right now.
I'm sorry, I don't have any steaks.
We can't get the engine to work.
Gentlemen, what seems to be the problem? - Hey, dude.
- Matt, what are you doing here? You work for AAA now? Ah.
I see what you did there, chief.
No.
Jackson texted me.
Let me take a look.
You texted Matt? What made you think I can't handle it? Well, we have been sitting here for two hours.
Let me take a little look-see.
I'll get her purring in no time.
Ah.
Looks like you have a loose belt.
Easy-peasy.
Yeah.
All right, Jackson.
Give it a try.
I believe the term is "try it now.
" Try it now.
[ENGINE DOESN'T START] Uh, okay.
Um, you want to just give that one more try there, Jackson? In three, two, one.
[ENGINE DOESN'T START] Are we sleeping here tonight? No.
We are getting this car fixed.
Step aside, Matt.
Okay, now listen.
If this were a foot and a toe wasn't moving, I would be following nerve endings to find the source of the problem, which, in this case, is right here.
Hit it, Jackson.
[ENGINE TURNS OVER] Aah.
It worked.
I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it.
I don't know what I did, but I did it.
Dude, that was amazing.
Yeah, the battery connection was loose.
Yeah, that was next on my checklist.
So, I'm gonna get going.
I got to get my groceries in the fridge.
You by any chance have any tri-tip and tin foil in there? Have we met? - Looks like we're having a barbecue.
- Ooh.
Wait.
You're serious? We're gonna cook them on the engine? Totally.
While I teach you how to drive, those babies are gonna cook.
That's medium rare for you, so 25 miles city, 30 miles highway.
I also have some potatoes we could bake.
- Looks like we're driving to Oakland.
-[ALL] Yeah! [ALL GRUNT] Oh oh oh ooh Someone was awfully quiet in the car.
I was just engaging in a lot of negative self-talk.
Well, don't because my son is still pretty special, even if today didn't go exactly the way he planned.
You didn't plan on doing $80,000 worth of damage, did you? Whoa, I'm good.
Hey, Deej.
Becky and I just stopped by to check up on how Max is doing.
Um, Grandpa I've prepared this on-air retraction for you.
I'm not a straight-A student.
Honey, it's okay.
But I'm not perfect.
Max, nobody expects you to be perfect.
I do.
I like being the best.
Yeah, but you don't have to be all the time.
Max, you make being your mom so easy.
I never have to wake you up for school or check if you've done your homework.
But if you let one little setback bring you down, then you'll never take risks.
You won't ever know what you're truly capable of.
Just like I took a risk in wearing this polka-dot shirt.
Now I know.
So, how do you get over this whole perfectionism thing? Oh, you don't.
Yeah.
It'll plague you your entire life.
But, Max, you'll always have us to remind you to ease up on yourself.
Yeah, and maybe you can help remind us sometimes, too.
Yeah.
I can do that.
All right.
Good chat, people.
Now let's go downstairs and vacuum the fridge.
Yeah, and we'll wipe it down with that shirt.
- I heard that.
- What? I'm in the room.
Mom, I'm home.
And I drove myself.
Oh, honey.
I'm so proud of you.
And I'm sorry I couldn't help.
But, hey, I'm not perfect.
Oh, that's hard to say.
- The kid was amazing.
- You think I'm amazing? The car broke down, Steve fixed it, and then grilled us steaks on the engine.
Thanks, man.
It was fun.
Who are you? Hey, there's a lot you don't know about me.
There's a lot I don't know about me.
[DOOR CLOSES] Hey, what's going on? Nadia was just showing us home videos of Fernando in the tub.
Oh, I wanna see a baby Fernando.
He was 16.
Okay, quiet, everyone.
Mrs.
Mama has an announcement to make.
I do.
I have decided to move in.
Yay.
Oh, where are you moving? Here, of course.
I want to be here for the baby.
D.
J.
, unfortunately, your services will no longer be required.
My what? For some reason, she thinks you're the maid.
Ha ha ha ha.
I have no idea how that happened.
You told her.
Yes.
Yes, I did.
Okay, well I know when I'm not wanted in somebody else's house.
I'm very confused.
Isn't this my house? What? Oh, I'm sorry.
I was just thinking that this wine bottle would make a really nice birdhouse.
When I get a new place and settled, I'll send for the children.
I'm going.
Nobody stop me.
- D.
J.
, wait.
- Yes? You forgot your mop.
[BANGS DOOR] Seriously, what's going on? Fernando, I'm sorry.
I can't do this anymore.
Nadia -this isn't Fernando's baby.
-Perdon? What? I am shocked.
- Whose is it, then? - Jimmy's.
[GASPS] You scoundrel.
Don't shout at the slow strong boy.
Yeah.
I remain very, very confused.
I think it's a murder-mystery party.
This is disgraceful, even for you, what's your name.
I knew it from day one.
- Oh.
You're not good enough for my son.
- Mama, stop! I refuse to let you speak to Kimberlina that way.
- You dare to stand up to me? - Maybe.
Yes.
Maybe.
Yes.
Kimberlina is the love of my life.
And this is not my house.
It is D.
J.
's.
You rent from the cleaning lady? She's not the maid.
I live next door.
And the truth is, I was not always the most faithful partner to Kimmy.
-[GASPS] - And we got divorced as a result.
[GASPS] But she gave me another chance, and we got re-engaged.
Huh? And the baby is actually mine and Jimmy's.
Kimmy's our surrogate.
If it wasn't for Kimmy's selflessness, I wouldn't have the opportunity to be a mom.
I've got to admit, Kimmy is a pretty incredible woman.
Wow.
I am really confused.
I second that.
About Kimmy being great and Danny being confused.
And she's a great mom.
I'll vouch for that, too, even though she did just try to evict me from my own house.
Kimmy I am so sorry.
I I misjudged you.
And I'm sorry we misled you.
Fernandito, Kimmy is obviously a very special woman.
You have to win back her trust so you can put your family together.
I'm working on it.
Kimmy, Mama, Ramona, Jimmy, D.
J.
, Stephanie I am sorry again for my lies.
Should we, um how you say? Group hug? [OVERLAPPING CHATTER] [ALL CHEER] You know, uh I actually created the group hug.
That's nice.
Still, I think maybe we should name the baby Nadia.
If it's a girl.
And if it's a boy Nadio.
- Oh, I love it.
- Not a chance.
How about another group hug? Let's do this.
[ALL CHEER] [CARLY RAE JEPSEN] One, two, three, four Oh [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] La la la la la la Oh