Fuller House (2016) s04e12 Episode Script

The Prom

1 La la la la la la Oh [CARLY RAE JEPSEN] Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy, the evening TV? Oh Everywhere you look Everywhere you go There's a heart, there's a heart, a hand to hold on to Everywhere you look, everywhere you go There's a face, there's a face of somebody who needs you There's a heart Everywhere you look, yeah When you're lost out there, and you're all alone A light is waiting to carry you home Everywhere you look La la la la la la Oh Okay, BuzzFeed, what kind of animal am I? A sloth? How rude.
[DOOR OPENS] We picked out my prom dress.
Uh, no, I picked out your prom dress.
You're just gonna look gorgeous in it.
And with what we paid for it, it'll be your wedding dress, too.
Oh, prom.
Brings back so many memories.
The punch was spiked.
You know what? Actually, no memories whatsoever.
But the arresting officer did say I had a really good time.
Oh, I remember my first prom.
I went with a very nice Scottish boy named Ewan McGregor.
Oh, no relation.
This is the one who played Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars.
Anyway, I'm glad Casey and I decided to go together.
We do not need dates to have a good time.
And the more she says that, the more I believe it.
I don't believe it.
Let's go upstairs and work on our photo-booth poses.
I got one.
We can build on that.
This is gonna be a great prom.
The theme is "Under The Sea.
" That's amazing.
Do you have thingamabobs? I've got plenty.
And I designed these chaperone badges.
This allows me to get into any prom without a warrant.
Plus, Cosmo and I did a full sweep of the gym, and the good news is, Cosmo didn't sniff out any contraband.
[BARKS] Yeah, the bad news is, he got into the donuts, and he's riding a wicked sugar high.
Yeah, he got the last maple bar.
We are not speaking.
[BARKS] Too soon, dude.
Oh, and guess who was just elected head chaperone.
Oh, I can't wait.
It was me.
No one else was even at the meeting, were they? Don't ruin this for me.
You're taking this whole chaperone thing a little too seriously.
I just want everyone to have a safe and wholesome night.
It only takes one bad apple to spoil the prom for everyone.
Do you ever think you might be that apple? Ohh, la la, ooh, la la Okay, Fuller.
I got your text.
What's up? Surprise.
Uh, what is wrong with this family? It's a promposal.
Will you be my primate prom mate? Mm, this is super-cute.
I hate cute.
Then I wish I could stop what happens next.
Please say yes.
Not now, Tommy.
Look, we've been over this.
Okay? Prom is an archaic representation of the heteronormative jock culture with a dress code that targets girls in order to control our bodies.
So that's a solid maybe? Come on, I'm the only freshman on the team.
All the other guys have dates.
I can't show up to prom looking like a loser.
You realize you're saying all this while dressed like a gorilla? Please, Rocki, this is a big deal to me.
- Okay, fine, I'll go.
- Yes.
But I'm not gonna have fun.
No one will.
My mom is chaperoning.
Ooh Okay, everybody, say "sweet cheese.
" Sweet cheese.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] Yeah, we're gonna do that again.
Um, maybe a little sparkle this time, Wednesday Addams.
This is my sparkle.
I get photo approval before you post anything, Max.
Aw, I look amazing in all of these.
Can we go? Uber's waiting.
Aw, it's Ron in a Buick.
Oh, I like that guy.
He always has water.
Oh, I can't believe our little girl is going to prom and using rideshare.
They grow up so fast.
Just last week, I thought Casey was straight.
- All right, have a great time, honey.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
- I love you.
Make good choices.
La la la la la la la Oh, it's one of our last bonding nights together before the baby comes.
And we have the house to ourselves.
What's our favorite way to have fun? [BOTH] A good cry.
Okay, I've got Beaches, Terms of Endearment and Steel Magnolias.
- What are we missing? - The Notebook.
And we've got cauliflower, cucumbers, and carrots.
What are we missing? - Carrot cake.
- Aha.
Hear ye.
Hear ye.
Trust us, we hear ye.
Joey, why are ye here? He's here for me.
It was one year ago today that Joey suffered a humiliating defeat at the hands of this chili master.
If we don't ask any follow-up questions, we can just sneak right out of here.
I anticipated this, and I took the liberty of hiding the DVD player because we need chili judges.
Oh, believe me, you're constantly being judged.
Well, today is the day I avenge my loss in the chili chilipalooza of chili.
You really want a rematch, Mr.
Funny Voice? On the racing circuit, my nickname is Fire-nando.
And not just because of my history of fiery crashes and a mysterious skin condition.
Ho ho ho.
We are doing this.
What name would you like me to put on your second-place trophy? [LAUGHS] Seriously, you two? This is the worst trash talk I've ever heard.
I'd much rather be watching Debra Winger die.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] Huh, sweetie? What did I tell you? You were right.
If I didn't know better, I'd totally think we were under the sea.
- Hey, you know what would be fun? - If we hung balloons by the fire exits? Or if we got down with our bad selves and boogied.
I'm not here to be a bad anything.
I am here to maintain order.
Do you know how long it took me to get this official chaperone badge? I had to change the toner on the printer so you could make it at home.
What? Shh.
They don't know that.
Come on, Deej.
Let's just have fun like we did at our last prom.
Aw, that was fun.
Not only did you show up out of the blue to take me, but Michelle got over her amnesia.
But, no.
Tonight, I am here to chaperone.
Hold that thought.
We have a situation in quadrant four.
Would you like me to hose you down, 'cause I will.
Look at that.
Fully exposed back.
Totally inappropriate prom wear.
Excuse me, young lady.
Thanks for calling me young, Deej.
Gia, what are you doing here? I'm chaperoning.
I need the volunteer hours.
You drive through the carpool lane the wrong way and graze a crossing guard one time, and it's like you're a bad mom.
You're the one that took out Larry, the war hero? In my defense, I was eating a churro and texting.
Plus, Rocki's here with some dork.
Dork? That's my son.
I know.
- All right.
- Okay, I came.
Now can we go? We just got here.
Oh, no.
My mom's seen us.
Don't make eye contact.
Too late.
She's got us in her crosshairs.
Oh, look at you two.
My baby's first prom, and my baby's first prom date.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
Who are you? Oh, my baby's ignoring me at his first prom.
Leaving now.
Remember, not your son.
Have fun, sweetie.
The football guys are over there, but don't bring up head trauma or concussions.
You're killing me, Fuller.
That's all I know about football.
- Yo, Gold Toe.
- Yo, Golden Arm.
Oh, Golden Barf.
We are definitely the hottest non-couple here.
I feel sorry for those who aren't us.
Oh, and one for the haters.
And I thought you bought all your clothes at Baby Gap.
And I thought you bought all your insults at Forever 20-Dumb.
Well, I'd love to stay and slum, but my date's waiting.
Hey, Ramona.
Oh, Popko is your date? I thought he was your son.
It's been a long time.
You look nice.
Let's go, Robert.
And stand up straight.
Seriously? My ex-boyfriend is with Sienna? Hey, well, don't freak out.
Look, he's not worth it.
You spent three hours at Sephora on that face.
Well, granted, we spent the first two hours on my face.
There is no way your chili will ever be as spicy as mine.
One time, a guy tried my chili and had to have his tongue replaced.
True story.
Well, one time, a friend of mine tried my chili and his head actually exploded.
And he still wanted more.
He asked me to scoop it into his neck.
Truer story.
Okay, if we promise to try your chili, will you please give us the DVD player back? What could be more entertaining than two grown men bickering over chili? I don't know.
This may be the pregnancy hormones talking, but I am really into this.
Steph, would you like to step up and sample what award-winning chili tastes like? Not really, but it seems like the thing we're doing today, so why not? I want to taste it, too.
Should you be eating spicy food with a baby on the way? I'm sure if it's too spicy, the kid will kick me in the ribs.
Oh, I love this kid already.
All right, let's dig in.
It's not bad.
In three, two, one Uh-oh.
It's too burning.
[PROM DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES] Hey, could you do me a solid and play Bryan Adams "Everything I Do"? The kids already hate me.
You want them to smash my car windows, too? The last time I went to the prom with my girlfriend, we never got to dance to our song.
Plus, her sister had amnesia.
Not sure why that's important, but I thought you should know.
Anyway, after that, we kind of drifted apart, and I was hoping tonight could signify kind of a redo.
You know? I wish I had amnesia so I could forget this story.
[GASPS] Don't look now, but Ryan Cooper is totally checking you out.
Great job at not looking now.
- What do I do? - Okay.
Just breathe and, um, walk over there and talk about yourself.
Oh, I'm good at that.
But I can't just leave you here.
We came here to have fun without guys.
That's just something people without boyfriends say.
Go have fun.
Okay, I'm gonna do this.
Later, potater.
So I'm all by myself at the prom.
Ramona, would you like some punch? Oh, why, I would love some, Ramona.
Oh, thank you.
Then the pocket collapsed.
I found the open receiver; touchdown.
- I was like - That was so awesome.
- Damn straight.
- Yeah.
Didn't we just talk about this, like, five minutes ago? No, that was against Central High.
This is against Mid Central High.
Would you excuse me? I'm gonna go leak this story to ESPN.
- How nice.
- Dude.
Remember the game against South Mid Central High? Oh, my God.
Yeah, bro.
Okay, okay.
So then the pocket collapsed, right? Hey, Rocki.
Look at you looking all heteronormative.
I must really like Jackson.
I think I have a concussion from listening to them.
- You wanna dance? - Why not? But this DJ sucks.
I have a strange urge to smash his car windows.
That better not be alcohol.
I'm adding punch to punch.
I cannot let you do that on school property.
- I took the chaperone's oath.
- You wrote the oath.
- Give me the cup, Gia.
- No.
- Give it to me.
- No.
Give it to Oh, great.
There was three shots of vodka in there.
This is so typical of you.
Well, don't worry.
I have an extra glass in my car.
Why would I be worried? Exactly.
Don't be.
I'm not.
All clear in the boys' room.
Oh, is everything alright here? Yeah, I'm fine.
I just, I have to get this out.
So, I'm alone at the prom.
Hey, Steve, would you like some punch? Thank you.
Oh, my God, I would love some.
Thank you, Steve.
So, dude, what's up with that date of yours? - You mean Rocki? - More like Rocky Horror, you know? Yeah, well, she's a little offbeat.
She has her own unique look.
Unfortunately, we're the ones who gotta look at it.
You know? Ha! Is there no one else you could come to prom with? I mean, did you lose a bet? - Come on.
- Yeah.
I didn't know she was gonna show up looking like Harley Quinn, right? I mean, where'd she get that dress, from the Crypt Keeper? Rocki, I didn't mean it.
Fuller, you suck.
What's wrong? How could you say those things about Rocki? I didn't know she was standing there.
Like that makes it any better? Now, no matter whose chili wins, there will be no pouting.
Right, Joey? Well, I would like to make that promise, but since I'm going to win, I don't have to because mine is best.
[SING-SONG] Mine is bester.
Oh, stop it.
You're both pretty.
Yeah, ladies, commence your tasting.
And remember; everybody's a winner, except for the person who loses.
Pick one already.
Come on.
The wait is killing me.
I pick this one, mainly because I want this to be over.
Yes, yes-s-s-s.
I wonder whose it was.
Well, I pick this one.
The subtle hint of barnyard animal put it over the top.
Yak comes through every time.
Oh, yuck.
I was eating yak? Ugh, I'm gonna yack.
It's a tie.
Max, it's up to you.
I knew it would come to this.
That's why I ate three Weight Watcher points all day.
And put on my stretchy vest.
Oh, he likes mine.
[BOTH] No, he likes mine.
He likes mine.
Eh, I've come to a decision.
- No, don't - No.
- No.
- Doh Mm-hmm.
Yes, gentlemen, individually, your chilies were fine.
But together, they were a beautiful tapestry of cooperation, kindness, and beans.
Is Max trying to deliver a message using a chili cook-off? Typical.
In the Fuller House, even the chilies have to hug.
Okay, now can we go watch Beaches? [GASPS] You were gonna watch Beaches? Why did you let us waste all this time in some silly chili cook-off? You mean all this time, I could've been crying instead of making chili? I don't even like chili.
That's what happened.
Of course, that could be the answer to anything.
What's going on? What? Nothing, I'm fine.
You just seem really out of sorts tonight.
Because the last time we were at prom, it was a perfect night.
That doesn't sound awful.
But then, after that night, you went back to college.
And for whatever reason, we didn't see each other for the next 25 years, and just being back here at Jackson's prom is triggering all those feelings and I don't want to lose you again.
You're not gonna lose me.
[TWEET] No kissing on the dance floor.
I know the rules.
I wrote the rules.
Shouldn't you be with your mother? I mean your date.
She ditched me.
Mind if I sit down? The truth is I only came with Sienna because the girl I wanted to come with hates me.
Someone hates you besides me? I deserve that.
Ramona, I messed up.
I'm really sorry I hurt you.
I can't believe I let go of someone so amazing.
Go on.
You're making some sense.
I miss you, even as a friend.
Is there any chance we can go back to that? I guess since we're both alone, we could hang out.
But if a super-cute guy asks me to hang out, I'm gone.
And he will.
Wanna dance? Why not? But when a cute guy shows up, I'm gone.
The kids may not have appreciated you taking over the soul train, but I was pretty impressed with your break-dancing skills.
Thanks, but spinning on my head was not the smartest move.
I could've used my 90's hair for cushion.
This is great chili.
I didn't realize how starving I was.
I know.
It's like a hug in a bowl.
With a touch of yak.
I thought I imagined that.
Look at us.
We went to the prom, it was great, and I'm still here.
Have you ever wondered what it would've been like if we'd stayed together? Yeah, sometimes.
But what's the point in looking back and saying "what if"? I know.
I had a great marriage.
Three wonderful kids.
I had a failed marriage, and she got the dog.
But we're together now.
Yes, we are, finally.
Um, if you're answering a text, you're kind of ruining the moment.
Just one sec.
I got that.
[BRYAN ADAMS' "EVERYTHING I DO" PLAYING] May I have this dance? I thought you'd never ask.
Look into my eyes You will see What you mean to me Search your heart [CARLY RAE JEPSEN] One, two, three, four Oh [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] La la la la la la Oh