Fuller House (2016) s05e01 Episode Script

Welcome Home, Baby-to-Be-Named-Later

1 La, la, la, la, la, la Ooh Oh [CARLY RAE JEPSEN.]
Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy the evening TV Oh Everywhere you look Everywhere you go There's a heart, there's a heart A hand to hold on to Everywhere you look Everywhere you go There's a face, there's a face somebody who needs you There's a heart Everywhere you look, yeah When you're lost out there And you're all alone A light is waiting to carry you home Everywhere you look La, la, la, la, la, la Oh Hey, Deej, hurry up.
It's banner time.
Do not unfurl a banner without me.
You know the house rules.
Believe me, we know.
No banner till you see D.
J.
Tanner.
See? Everything's better when it rhymes.
Now remember, everyone, the baby came early.
Stephanie and Jimmy have not had a chance to pick out the name yet, so let's not make them feel self-conscious.
[NOISEMAKER TOOTS.]
"Welcome home, baby-to-be-named-later"? Yeah, I kinda wish you'd given that speech before I went to the printers'.
Oh, the last thing we wanna do is make them feel pressured.
But they better have it by 6:30 tonight before the baby-naming party.
There's gonna be a lot of people in this house.
Legally, if three more people move in, we have to register as a commune.
Okay, I think I've got everything done.
The nursery is all set.
I've got my color-coded schedule for eating, sleeping, and pooping.
For the baby, not for Stephanie.
Have you filled out the baby's college applications yet? No.
That's why I need a name.
I-I just want everything to be perfect and as easy as possible for Steph.
Someone's coming.
Oh.
Okay, everyone gather around and cheer.
But not too loudly.
We don't want to wake the baby.
Don't wake the baby, huh? [CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
- I was doing Uncle Jesse.
- [ALARM BEEPS.]
Why? We already have one of those.
[CHEERING; NOISEMAKERS TOOT.]
[ALL GROAN.]
That's not a baby.
It's just Grandpa.
What a bummer.
Really? You all realize you live here rent-free, right? [CHEERING; NOISEMAKERS TOOT.]
Okay, what can I do to help? Uh, nothing.
We're all set.
I don't need you to do anything.
There's gotta be something I can do.
I mean, I'm not Joey.
Can I at least meet my new grand-baby? I'm the baby.
Yes, you are.
Dad, what's with all the bags? You're not moving in again, are you? No.
I felt so guilty that I missed the birth of the baby that I went guilt shopping.
I don't even know the baby's name yet.
Oh, they haven't chosen one.
Are they going to? I mean, is this some sort of weird Gibbler thing? Grandpa, this is all vodka, cigars, and neck pillows.
I don't know what to tell you.
I just left the airport duty-free shop and took everything.
I got a whole trunkload of Eternity by Calvin Klein.
- [CAR APPROACHES.]
- Oh, I hear a car.
Everybody hide! - It's not a surprise party.
- [CAR DOORS CLOSE.]
Come on.
Come on, come on.
[CHEERING; NOISEMAKERS TOOT.]
iHola, Tanneritos! You're still wearing your Hamilton dress? Oh, sure am.
Whatever you do, don't tell me how Hamilton ends.
Or begins.
All I remember are the first three notes and then some lady screaming, "My water broke!" That was you.
Uh, pretty sure I would've remembered that.
Oh.
Hello, old friend.
Now that Kimberlina is no longer with child, she wants to enjoy the more dangerous things she couldn't during her pregnancy.
That's why we went straight from the hospital to get gas-station sushi and illegal fireworks.
Hello, wildly dangerous stairs.
I've missed you most of all.
[KIMMY.]
Whee.
It's great to be me again.
How are you possibly okay? [CAR DOORS CLOSE.]
Well, that has to be them.
We're running out of people.
[CHEERING; NOISEMAKERS TOOT.]
Hey.
Everybody look.
I have a baby.
And they even let me bring her home.
I know, and they didn't even make us take a test or anything, and I studied.
- So cute.
- Hi.
Hey, Dad.
You ready to meet your first granddaughter? [STEPHANIE CHUCKLES.]
Hi.
She's gorgeous.
I'm Grandpa Danny.
And you're you're I'm gonna need a name.
I know.
I know.
We're working on it.
I'm hoping the more time I spend with her, the name will reveal itself.
Great.
As long as it reveals itself by 6:30.
6:15 if you want her name on a cake.
No name, huh? Do you hippies at least have a wedding date? [CACKLING.]
Wedding date? [CONTINUES CACKLING.]
That would mean I proposed.
I wouldn't do that without asking for Grandpa Danny's permission.
That would be insanity.
Hee hee hee.
- [BABY CRIES.]
- Okay.
You've had her long enough.
Oh, Steph, remind me to teach you how to swaddle her properly.
Come on.
Come here to Aunt D.
J.
Hi.
Oh, honey, I could hold you all night long.
I'm here for the baby.
Give me the child.
Out of curiosity, before I call 9-1-1, does anyone know that woman? Relax, Deej.
That's Melissa, my doula.
She's just here for a week to help me get my sea legs as a mom.
Oh, 'cause I thought I was gonna help you get your sea legs, but good for you.
That's great for you.
I'm sure she's very professional.
Yeah, I met her in the mud pit at Bonnaroo.
And she's excellent.
She worked for Beyoncé.
Jay-Z might have 99 problems, but childcare ain't one of 'em.
La, la, la, la - It's just so great having you here.
- [SHUTTER SNAPS.]
I love my sister, but she has her own way of doing things, and I want to do this my way.
Now let me fix what you've done.
Oh.
You know, or-or your way.
That's cool.
My way's never been that great, anyway.
As a kid, I accidentally melted my Barbie on the stove top.
Ken was not pleased, but, uh, Skipper was secretly thrilled.
[CHUCKLES.]
Shush.
Oh, you know, we're actually gonna use cloth diapers.
No, you're not.
Is there a reason for that or Yes.
Wow.
We are learning so much.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know, I gotta be honest.
She was a lot more fun at Bonnaroo.
Maybe that's why you don't exchange business cards in a mud pit.
Well, she must know what she's doing.
She's got her hair up in a bun.
Shush.
The baby needs burping.
Oh, I can do that.
Pretty sure I can manage burping my own baby.
That's right.
Yeah.
There we go.
Yeah.
Aw just a little burp.
It's all we need, yeah.
Just There we go.
What? Oh, come on.
It's [BURPS.]
Oh.
Good girl.
Yeah.
Give her to me.
Oh.
Okay, well Bye.
Bye, little baby.
We-We really need a name.
Maybe it's just me, but this doula's not what I expected.
Yeah, me either.
I totally thought she'd have a talking umbrella.
I thought when we got home, we'd be able to spend time with the baby and figure her name out.
But instead, Lady Melisandre keeps taking her.
So should we fire her? And let D.
J.
know I made a mistake? Are you crazy? Plus, I said all that crazy stuff about sea legs.
Mm-mmm.
Oh.
Speaking of great legs, I've got to talk to your dad about something special.
I really hope you're talking to him about our engagement and not his legs.
Why not both? Oh.
Uh, your doula just shushed me, and I didn't even say anything.
She's got her own unique style.
Yeah, so does Pennywise the Clown.
What's going on? There are 35 people living in this house.
So why is the High Priestess of Darkness taking care of the baby? Because, Deej, I know you, all right? Left to your own devices, you would jump into this, and you don't have the time.
You know, not with your job and your kids and your Steve.
But I'm your sister.
And I've been waiting for this baby.
And in the Fuller House, family raises family.
[DOULA.]
Shush! Did she just shush us from upstairs? She is that good.
H-Hey there, Dan the Man.
Dan the Man? Wow, I haven't heard that since Little League.
And it was usually followed by "Dan the Man, stop crying.
Butterflies don't bite".
Need any help? No, thanks.
Apparently, this is the only thing they think I'm useful for around here.
Right.
'Cause you're old.
Uh, I mean, old-timey like the Pepperidge Farm guy or beating a wooden hoop down the street with a stick.
What's up, weirdos? Watch this.
Whoo! Anybody else not pregnant today? The truth is, I've been going through hot flashes, and my boobs are really sore.
Kimberlina I cannot keep up with you.
You are like a race car on wheels.
Uhh.
Uhh.
I've got a taste for some hard lemonade and raw chicken.
It used to be pink lemonade and raw chicken.
Ah.
Kimmy Gibbler's growing up.
I'm right behind you.
I will not survive this day.
Remember me as I was the most beautiful boy in the world.
Incoming! Aah.
Aah.
Aah.
Aah.
[CLATTERING AND CRASHING.]
Ah, to be young and in love and a Gibbler.
Aren't you all three of those things? Grandpa, do you know where we keep the family's baby-naming gown? - Yeah, I'd try the attic.
- We have an attic? Trust me, we have an attic.
Just keep heading up the stairs until you hit the roof.
Ah, to be young and confused and looking for baby clothes.
[SNICKERS.]
What do you want? Okay.
You know I think Steph is the most incredible girl I've ever met, and with that in mind, - I was hoping that - Ow! Don't cry, Dan the Man.
What did you want to ask? I think the better question would be why are you hammering a screw? Ooh, ooh, ooh La, la, la, la Hmm.
We do have an attic.
Grandpa has not completely lost it.
I found it.
Aha.
The baby-naming gown? No.
An 8-track from the band a-ha.
What can I say? I'm a fan of Norwegian synth-pop.
What's this old thing? Old thing? You're holding a piece of cherished family history.
This is Rigby, Aunt Michelle's beloved stuffed rhino.
How would you know that? We have eight years of carefully curated home movies.
It's almost like a TV show.
You know, for a family that prides itself on being normal, we have a lot of crazy stuff up here.
I mean, Fred Flintstone outfit? Some portrait of Fernando.
Whatever this thing is.
That's Uncle Jesse's invention the Spray Guard 2001.
You guys really have to watch these home movies.
They get pretty crazy towards the end.
Aunt Michelle got amnesia.
You know what else is crazy? Someday, that kid downstairs is gonna be up here, pawing through our junk and making fun of how weird we were.
We're not weird.
Oh, look.
It's my King Jaguarito mask from my Mexican wrestling days.
Oh, found it.
I remember Tommy wearing that.
Yeah, I remember you wearing that.
Apparently, I wore it, too.
I was born in the back of a rental car, so my baby-naming gown was a floor mat.
Look at us.
Couple of crazy kids eating club sandwiches in the middle of the day.
With avocado.
Mm-hmm.
Avocado.
Wait, you You're not on eHarmony, are you? I knew I should start working out.
No.
I'm watching a video feed of the doula taking care of the baby.
Oh, look at her.
She is totally gonna use the wrong nipple.
The doula has her shirt off? There's kids in the house.
Wha I'm talking about the bottles.
I switched the nipples to try to trick the doula.
Oh, she figured it out.
Oh, she is good.
You tried to trick the doula? What's going on with you? Nothing.
I I just think it's crazy that Stephanie hired a doula.
Um you tried to pull a sting with a rubber nipple, so not sure who the crazy one is.
I always imagined that when Stephanie brought the baby home, I'd be the one helping her through it, not some lady she met in a mosh pit.
Yeah.
Well, technically, it was a mud pit.
I mean, I hate her.
Look, I-I get it.
You feel displaced, but she's only here for a week.
And besides, you know Stephanie.
She's gonna do things her own way.
Yeah, but I'm her big sister.
It's my job to tell her what her way is.
[MUFFLED SCREAMING.]
Oh, hey, guys.
What are you doing with the pillow? Uh, what what pillow? Why are you hiding your phone? Hiding? I'm not hiding.
I'm-I'm calling Steve.
I don't know why he's not picking up.
Uh, Steve Hale.
Who's this? We're a great team, aren't we? How much longer till we're done with this? Well, I think just one more screw here, and - Ta-da - No, wait.
Let me turn it on.
I need a win.
["ROCK-A-BYE BABY" PLAYING.]
Huh.
Doesn't make me feel as important as I thought it would.
[DANNY SIGHS.]
There's other seats in the room.
I know.
I have something to ask you.
Is it "Why am I sitting so close to Danny?" 'Cause I would like to know the answer to that as well.
You may not know this about me, but I'm a pretty old-fashioned guy, and I wanna do this right.
Somehow this doesn't feel old-fashioned.
I love Stephanie, and I'd like to ask your permission to spend the rest of my life as your son-in-law.
[LAUGHS.]
What? Did I say something wrong? Did I call her Shpepanie by mistake? Sometimes I do that when I get nervous, but I do know that her name is Shpepanie.
No, you big goofball.
I'm laughing because I know you already asked her.
Whoa.
How did you see the past? Are you the Three-Eyed Raven? - Yes.
- Really? - No.
- Oh.
She walked into the house wearing an engagement ring.
Darn, I told her to wear mittens.
Listen.
Jeremiah Jeffcoat Johnson Jimmy Gibbler I hereby give you my permission to already have asked my daughter to marry you.
Aw, thanks, Dad.
Or do you prefer Dan the Man? I prefer that you just make Shpephanie as happy as you always have.
By the way, how much Eternity by Calvin Klein are you wearing? All of it.
Whee! Whoo! Whoo! Hee hee hee.
I'm not pregnant anymore.
Ha ha.
Aah-aah-aah! Kimberlina, I don't want to die in a unitard.
Nobody's dying today, Fernando.
Not on my watch.
Oh, I haven't felt this alive in nine months.
Oh, I think I get it.
You are running, rollerblading, and dangling away from your true feelings.
No.
I'm having a great time.
Just enjoying my baby-free body.
Nobody doting on me, giving me their seat on the bus, or stomping on my bladder.
You miss being pregnant.
I miss it so much.
I miss the night sweats.
I miss the revulsion at the smell of tandoori chicken.
I miss the shoes that fit on one foot but not the other.
You'll always have stretch marks.
Thank you, Fernando.
That's so sweet of you to say.
This past year, it's just been so exciting to be a part of something bigger than myself.
And now, I'm afraid my work is done, and I'm not gonna be needed anymore.
You're still going to be a huge part of this baby's life.
It won't be like it was, but think how great it'll be watching this girl grow up, huh? And it wouldn't have been possible without you.
Mwah.
Thank you, honey.
Aah! [THUD.]
Yeah, funny story.
Uh my great-great-grand-cousin, Hekekiah J.
Tanner, he was thrown from a moving stagecoach wearing that very gown.
You could still see the hoof print on the back.
[LAUGHS.]
It's not You know, I I really appreciate all that you're doing for me, but, uh, I've got this baby-naming thing, in, like, half an hour, and I still don't have a name yet.
I thought maybe spending time with the baby would Shh.
All done.
But But No, but I'm gonna wind up calling this baby Hekekiah.
- Hey, you need some help? - No.
No, it's fine.
I've got it.
Don't be ridiculous.
Let me help you with that.
Deej, really.
It I said I don't need help.
Really.
No.
Deej, it's fine.
I can do it.
D.
J.
Look what you did.
I'm sorry.
I just I was trying to help.
Look, the last thing I need is more help, okay? I have-I have more than enough help.
I want to do something on my own for my own baby.
What do you mean? I thought you and your doula were doing what doulas do.
That's the problem.
She won't let me do anything.
But you already know that 'cause you've been watching us on the nanny cam.
That's right.
I've been spying on the spy.
Well, I was just making sure that baby TBD was being cared for in the way that I would care for her.
If you let me care for her, but you didn't.
'Cause you don't care.
And I ate a whole club sandwich! I know why I'm upset.
Why are you upset? 'Cause I just I wanted to be there for you the way that you were there for me five years ago.
You gave up your entire life to come rescue mine.
Just trying to repay the kindness.
Oh.
Why'd you have to go and be so D.
J.
? I feel awful for hiring this mean doula to shield me from your goodness.
- Wait.
You don't like your doula? - I hate her.
Me too.
Yeah, I think I saw her bend a spoon with her mind.
You know, it's funny.
I have spent my entire adult life thinking that I couldn't have children of my own, and now she's here, and I just hand the baby off to the Mistress of Fire.
Yeah, she frightens me.
Hey, we should set her up with Dad.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Oh.
You know, this is just not what I expected.
I feel unprepared and overwhelmed all at once.
I haven't even named my baby yet.
Yeah.
You should probably do that 'cause I really need a name for the cake.
What if my mom instincts never kick in? I mean, it all seemed to come so naturally for you.
Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
- What? - Oh, man.
When I had Jackson, I was a disaster.
Yeah, I ended up walking home with him from the hospital, because I wasn't sure if the car seat was installed safely.
So I walked the entire length of Golden Gate Park with a newborn through a reggae festival.
Man, Jackson smelled like patchouli for a week.
Uh, Deej that wasn't patchouli.
Look, the truth is, all parents are a disaster in the beginning.
Just don't measure yourself against what you think someone else did.
Just be you, and I promise you, you're gonna figure it out your own way.
Thanks, Deej.
I needed that.
You're right.
I'm gonna get rid of this doula before she ruins all the spoons.
Oh, let me! Let me! I have been daydreaming about firing her all day.
Be my guest.
Yes, I'm gonna go dump the doula.
Oh, I hope she back talks me, 'cause I can't wait to shush her.
- Shush.
- What did I do? Sorry.
I was just practicing.
Wow.
Hi, Dad.
How's it going down here? Well, it's, uh, better than it was.
Yeah, I was watching you guys fight on the baby monitor, and then I come down here, and you're already made up.
It's like nobody needs me anymore.
Dad.
I had no idea how you were gonna make this about you.
Well, it's kind of my superpower.
You know, I spent all day basically feeling sorry for myself.
Like I was no longer needed as a parent.
But then when I saw you guys resolving your own issues, that pretty much confirmed it for me.
It's ironic that one of the hardest parts about being a parent is that if you're good at it, eventually you're out of a job.
Did you just call yourself a good parent? Well, I did say it was my superpower.
[STEPHANIE CHUCKLES.]
Dad I might not need you the same way I did when I was young, but I'll always need you.
Thanks, Steph.
I am so proud of you.
Thanks, Dad.
It's 'cause of everything you did for me.
You know? I've been a parent for two days, and I have no idea how you raised three of us.
But thank you.
Ooh, sorry.
Oh, don't-don't worry about it.
Oh, by the way, I-I gave my blessings to your fiancé.
So not only are you an amazing couple, but now you are going to be an amazing family.
Oh, crap.
I totally forgot I'm getting married, too.
Would now be a bad time to ask you for $50,000? See? Told you I'll always need you.
Okay, everybody.
All right, I'd like to take a moment, if I could, to make this all about me.
It was my great-great-grand-cousin Hekekiah who said - [ALL GROAN.]
- Okay, fine.
I'm gonna need everybody's neck pillows back.
Well, thank you all for being here.
Everyone in this room holds a special place in our hearts.
But none more so than the person that we've named this baby after.
Baby Ramona, baby Ramona, baby Ramona.
You know, to be honest, I had no idea what this baby's name was gonna be 28 minutes ago.
But then I realized.
There's been one constant in my life.
Somebody who loved me no matter what.
And every day, through his example, he showed me what it means to be a parent.
So I'd like to introduce you to our daughter Danielle.
Or as we like to call her Dani Tanner.
It is about me.
That is so sweet.
Thank you so much, honey.
Well, it's not just about you, Dad.
You're not the only person in this room that I've looked up to my entire life.
Our baby's middle name will be Jo.
So if someone someday wants to call her D.
J there'd be no better honor.
It's about me, too.
Oh.
Thank you.
I love you so much.
I am gonna try really hard not to cry on the baby.
Too late.
Well, save your crying.
I'm not done passing out tears yet.
I don't think I can take any more.
I did not properly pace myself.
I bet they're gonna name me the baby's foot doctor.
Finally there is one person here who although not born into the family is as much a part of it as all of you are, and without whom this truly would not have been possible.
So my baby's godmother is Kimmy Gibbler.
She likes me.
She really, really likes me.
- Thanks, Steph.
- Yeah.
Okay, Ramona.
- Whisper she-wolf howl on three? - Okay.
One, two, three.
[ALL HOWLING.]
La, la, la, la Kid, you and I have had some pretty special times over the last nine months, and just because you're not gonna be riding around in my belly anymore, I want you to know that that's not gonna end.
I will always be there for you.
If you ever want to learn how to ride a unicycle or dress up as Mrs.
Doubtfire or box a kangaroo I'm here.
And, you know, you picked a really fun place to live.
There's lots of hugging and singing and dancing and that's just at breakfast.
You guys did good.
We all did.
I don't think there'll be a baby more loved than this one.
But for the record, my baby is not boxing any kangaroos.
You say that now, but you're forgetting she is half Gibbler.
[JEPSEN.]
One, two, three, four Oh [CLOSING THEME PLAYING.]
La, la, la, la, la, la Ooh Oh