Fuller House (2016) s05e06 Episode Script

The Mayor's Bird

1 La la la la la la Ooh Oh [CARLY RAE JEPSEN.]
Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy the evening TV Oh Everywhere you look Everywhere you go There's a heart, there's a heart a hand to hold on to Everywhere you look everywhere you go There's a face, there's a face somebody who needs you There's a heart Everywhere you look, yeah When you're lost out there And you're all alone A light is waiting to carry you home Everywhere you look La la la la la la Oh [ALL.]
Ooh.
You don't have to do that every time someone dresses nicely.
Grandpa Danny says it's a house rule.
And he's the best grandpa.
Saying that is also a house rule.
And so is giving your mama kisses before she heads out.
- Run.
Go.
Go.
- What? Go, go, go.
Hey.
Remember, I know where you sleep.
Hey, Deej.
Matt, what are you doing here? Hey, that's not as friendly as "It's always open".
You're right.
Sorry.
It's always open.
I'm headed out with Steve.
So what are you doing here? Right.
I need to talk to you about work.
I think we should start a concierge vet service.
Doing house calls for people too lazy to bring their pets to our office? Yes, exactly.
I think it'll bring in a ton of extra dough.
Also sounds like a ton of extra hours that'll take me away from the things I really care about, like my kids and my friends and right now, my date, so I'll pass.
Wish I had known that before I printed 50 of these bad boys.
You're right.
They're bad.
Matt! - Stevie! - My man! [BOTH.]
Unh.
- Deej! My gal! - Ah.
Uh-uh.
Yeah, we're not doing that.
Steve and I have a date, so can I finish shooting down your bad idea tomorrow? Actually, I kinda sorta already booked our first concierge client.
The mayor of San Francisco.
That is so cool! What? I'm, like, a huge fan of city politics.
D.
J.
, a client like this could really put us on the map, and she needs our help with her pet bird tonight.
It's a hornbill.
Horatio Hornbill is sick? How do you know the bird's name? I follow him on Twitter.
He said offensive stuff about seagulls, but he swears he was hacked.
D.
J.
, I really need your help here.
Yeah, but I'm dogs and cats.
You're birds and bunnies.
- You don't need my help.
- I'm afraid of hornbills.
You're afraid of hornbills? How would you even know that? It was vet school.
I had to give one an exam, and he clamped his beak down on my my swimsuit region.
That was really brave of you to share that.
But I kind of wish you hadn't.
Honey, do you mind waiting so I can go help Matt? No, of course.
Okay, but I'll be back soon so we can go on our date night.
Good.
Now just go fix that bird.
His last few tweets, he just he didn't sound like himself.
Froggy says, "Ribbit".
Froggy says, "Ribbit".
Froggy says, "Ribbit".
Aw.
It seems like just yesterday I was trying to make you laugh using a frog puppet.
Mom, it was yesterday.
And it was incredibly creepy to wake up to.
Well, I don't get to spend time with you anymore.
You're always rushing off with Ethan.
Oh, wow.
Now you made this really awkward, but, um I have a date tonight with Ethan.
I got to get ready, so I'm gonna rush off.
Well, hey there, buckaroo.
How was performing at the rootin'-tootin' boot-scootin' birthday hoedown? Can I get a yee-haw? I have zero yee-haws left to give.
Here.
Oh.
But now I'm happy.
You know, it's funny.
Thought I'd be so excited to get back to work and do something besides changing diapers, but the whole time I was gone, I just missed this little one.
And, Kimmy, I need to have a tough conversation with you, but you're my boss and my friend, and I'm not really sure how to do it.
Oh, never fear, Steph.
I can keep the two things separate.
Kimmy your friend is ready to listen.
Spill it, sista.
How does putting a fake paper bow on your head make you Kimmy my friend? Tut tut tut.
Just trust the process.
And go.
Okay.
Uh, well I don't want to sing at kiddie birthday parties anymore.
Ever since I've become a mom any job really has to be worth it for me to be away from Danielle, you know.
I totally get it.
Motherhood changes all of your priorities.
Oh.
I'm so glad to get that off my chest.
Thank you.
So I guess it's time to talk to Kimmy my boss.
Oh, one moment, please.
[GRUFF VOICE.]
You wanted to see me, Tanner? - Well, sir - But make it snappy.
It's a madhouse in here.
I would like to respectfully submit my resignation.
Quitting, are we, Tanner? Is this because I ate your sandwich out of the break-room fridge? It wasn't me.
And it wasn't that good.
Well, we'll miss you around here.
Good luck in all of your future endeavors.
[NORMAL TONE.]
So how'd it go with your boss? You're never lonely, even when you're alone, are you? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
That's Ethan.
We're going on a date tonight.
Oh.
When I open the door, laugh like I said something funny.
- Nope.
- Not happening.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God, I'm so funny.
Hi.
Hey, Ethan.
I said something funny, so we were all laughing earlier.
It wasn't just me.
Hi, Ramona.
- Mom, I'm heading out with Ethan.
- Wait.
No, no, no, no, no.
Um, um you've been spending a lot of time with Ethan, and I would like to get to know him better.
And I think you know him just fine.
See ya.
No, you can't go.
It's Gibbler Game Night.
What? M-Mom, n-no.
Yay! Did somebody invoke Gibbler Game Night? Hello, Mr.
Postmates.
I see you have returned like the patch of dry skin on my elbow.
Are you joining us for some board-game fun? - What? No! - What do you say, Ethan? He says, "What? No!" Can I have a word, please? This just got interesting.
So, what's the big deal about Gibbler Game Night? You guys just play board games, right? Uh, they play.
We settle in for the spectacle of human drama.
It's like Game of Thrones, only more cutthroat.
What are you doing, Mom? I told you I had plans with Ethan.
You can still have plans with Ethan.
Just do it here with us.
[WHIMPERS.]
Ethan, run while you still can.
I get it.
It's weird hanging with your parents.
But if this is where you're gonna be then this is where I want to be.
[BOTH.]
Aw And this is where the mayor runs the city of San Francisco.
Now, can I offer you anything? A refreshment? A razor for that unseemly stubble? I think it makes me look rugged.
This is San Francisco, not Seattle.
We're in a bit of a rush.
Will you let the mayor know we're here? - Boo! - Oh! [LAUGHING.]
Works every time.
I love this chair.
Okay, that just cracks me up.
- Cunningham, introduce me.
- Yes, ma'am.
Doctors Harmon and Fuller, please meet the Right Honorable mayor of San Francisco - Eunetta Boone.
- Oh.
He's like Siri but more ticklish.
Please don't make me giggle in front of the guests, ma'am.
It is an honor to meet you, Mayor Boone.
Let's get started.
Madam Mayor, we are here for your bird.
In a minute, Dr.
Doolittle.
First, get over here.
I know you want a selfie with the mayor.
Everyone does.
[SHUTTER SNAPS.]
Now when you post it, caption it, "I mayor so hard".
This is Horatio Hornbill.
He was a gift from San Francisco's sister city, Manila, in the Philippines.
In exchange, we sent them Metallica.
The mayor would like you to clip his wings.
If he flies away, it could cause an international incident.
Or worse.
They might send back Metallica.
Well, I can clip his wings in five minutes.
Totally worth a house call in the middle of my date.
We will not let you down, Mayor.
Now, if you will excuse the mayor, she has a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a new opening of Panera Bread.
[CHUCKLES.]
Between you and me these giant scissors are the reason I ran for mayor.
[D.
J.
.]
Okay, let's get started.
D.
J.
, wait.
Do not get too close to that beast until I have my tranquilizer gun ready.
Wha You brought a tranq gun for a Fruit Loops bird? Last time I saw the Fruit Loops bird, he bit my Apple Jacks.
I'm sorry, Ethan.
This is gonna get real weird, real quick.
Hey, do you guys know where your mom Shh.
The delicious drama of human humiliation is about to begin.
What's going on? - Gibbler Game Night.
- You didn't see me.
Mom, plug your ears.
Okay, Papa.
Your clue is Top Gun.
[GASPS.]
"I feel the need, the need for speed".
I am merging onto the highway to the danger zone! And go.
Oh, I know this.
Um uh a straight line.
A squiggly line? - Something coming out of a straight line.
- Time.
It was Top Gun! Ooh-ooh.
You have insulted me, Maverick, and the Goose.
Now I have to go play some shirtless volleyball to cool off.
And watch Top Gun for the first time.
Wow, so I guess game night is over.
Should we just go? Oh, newbie, I wish it were that easy.
Three two one.
Kimberlina? Please.
Forgive me? I'm not worthy of your affections.
I promise I will never lose my temper again.
I sentence you to five minutes of Eskimo kisses.
Hey, Dani.
You're never gonna believe this, but your mom was an international party DJ.
Yeah.
Closest I get to spinning now is when I operate the dryer.
But I'm gonna figure out my next career move.
I hope.
Maybe.
If you have any ideas, now's the time to share them.
- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
- Hey, Steph.
Hey.
What's with the tool belt, Bob the Builder? I'm just waiting for D.
J.
to finish up with the mayor's hornbill.
Is that a sequel to The Handmaid's Tale? No, no.
She and Matt are working, and I'm just keeping busy.
I just tightened up all the knobs in the kitchen, and now I'm changing all the batteries in the smoke detectors.
Wow.
Another episode of Podiatrists Gone Wild.
The truth is, I'll do anything to avoid getting sucked into Gibbler Game Night.
Gotcha.
I have a newborn, and there's less screaming and crying down here.
[STEVE CHUCKLES.]
So what's going on? And where's the carbon monoxide detector? Because I got a pocketful of batteries and an hour to kill.
I'm just thinking how I'm kind of at a career crossroads now that I'm a mom.
Funny.
The only job I never thought I'd have is the one that makes me the happiest - Hmm.
- but I got to find something.
You had a great career as a DJ.
You've led a super-awesome fun life.
Doesn't have to end 'cause you're a mom.
I mean, maybe the, uh, private jets and playing all-night raves in Ibiza with Prince Harry.
I was never in Ibiza with Prince Harry.
You know what? I was with Prince Harry.
You could still be a great mom to Danielle and, uh, be artistically fulfilled.
Whoa.
Maybe we do need to check the carbon monoxide, 'cause you're making sense.
Look, you just got to figure out what you love, and give it that Stephanie Tanner hustle till you're doing it.
Thanks, Steve.
By the way, I fixed your bidet.
We don't have a bidet.
Then I seriously messed up your toilet.
Hmm.
Figure out what I love and do that.
The only thing I really want to do is watch you smile.
[CHUCKLES.]
And now I'm looking at you Looking back at me [CHUCKLES.]
Hey.
That's actually pretty good.
Did you write that down? All done.
Not sure if you can tell from over there.
Just maintaining a secure perimeter.
Get out of there.
How can you be afraid of this cute little bird? - Horatio, get him.
- Oh, God.
You know, you are not being a supportive business partner right now.
What? Me? Hey, I paused my date to support my business partner's ridiculous idea.
- Ridiculous? - Doctors! Need I remind you you are in the People's House.
Please maintain a modicum of decorum.
- Sorry, Cunningham.
- Sorry, Cunningham.
[WHISPERS.]
You got us in trouble.
Me? I was taking care of the hornbill.
Where's the hornbill? - [BOTH GASP.]
- [D.
J.
.]
Oh, no.
I just clipped his wings.
If he tries to fly, he's gonna fall.
We've got to coax him in.
[BOAT WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Yoo-hoo.
Horatio Hornbill, come on inside.
Mama's got a date tonight, and I don't have time to bury a bird.
Step away from the bird, Deej.
Playtime is over.
Put away the tranquilizer gun.
Not gonna hurt him.
I'm just gonna send him to Sleepy Town.
- No.
- [THUNK.]
[MATT WHIMPERS.]
You shot me in the foot.
[D.
J.
.]
Oh Are you okay? That's a lot of tranquilizer.
Yeah.
I'm fine, Mom.
Hey, are you making spaghetti tonight? Okay.
I, uh, I think you've got to sit down.
- Oh, I do.
- Oof.
Okay.
[THUD.]
I love this couch.
It's your turn, Mr.
Fernando.
Kimberlina, if I pop a four on the Pop-O-Matic, you're in big trouble in the game of Trouble.
It's a good thing we're not playing Clue, 'cause you're about to get a candlestick in your library.
Ooh.
There's so much tension between them.
They're still married? Actually, they're divorced, but then they got reengaged with a falcon.
Then they had a wedding where they agreed not to be married, conducted by men on Rollerblades.
Tell me about your family.
Aha! It's a four! Ooh, this is an outrage.
I knew I'd be sorry we didn't play Sorry.
Uhh.
And I'm off to play shirtless volleyball again! I really hate shirts! Fernando.
I can't stay mad at you.
Kimberlina.
If loving you is wrong, then kiss me.
Do they ever finish a game? I've never seen it.
Dani, Mama wrote this song for you because she loves you more than she thought she could ever love anything.
When I was just six years old I threw a penny in a wishing well Mm-mm-mm At the time, seemed kinda silly But you know you never can tell That wish has faded That I made as just a child But it all came flooding back The first moment that you smiled And now I'm looking at you Looking back at me And now I know exactly Where I'm supposed to be I've spent so much time Just wishing for this dream To come true And the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow Is you Steph, that's a great song.
I've never heard that before.
Who sings that? Uh I do.
I just wrote it.
You really like it? Steph, I love it.
And I know music, okay? I've met about half the Three Tenors.
Well, I I just took your advice and did what I love.
I always loved writing music that means something to me.
Always been a dream of mine.
Thought it was a dream I had to give up once I became a mom.
Maybe becoming a mom is exactly what you needed to make this dream come true.
Steph, you should record it.
Wow.
Thanks.
You know, it's been nice having a sensitive guy in a tool belt date my sister.
You know, I could get one for Jimmy, but some of this stuff's a little sharp.
Mm.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
D.
J.
needs help at the mayor's mansion.
Ahh.
This is the closest I'll ever get to being Batman.
They've been playing the game of Life for a while and no fireworks.
Upp, be patient.
Last time they played this, it was followed by six weeks of family therapy.
Come on, six.
Come on, six.
[GROANS.]
Five? Aw, triplets? I'm already 50 grand in debt, and I didn't even finish college.
I did.
Perhaps your triplets can clean the pool at my beach house.
Or they could mow the lawn at my country club.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, Kimberlina, you are so good at Life.
Not as good as you, Dr.
Fernando, Esq.
Is it hot in here? Let's fan ourselves with all the money Ramona doesn't have.
Okay, enough! Whoa! This game is anachronistic, patriarchal, and I wanted the green car.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
That girl has no chill.
Are you all right? This is the worst night ever.
It's okay.
I already knew your parents were colorful.
You mean crazy? I was being polite.
I just didn't want you to see That you're as big of a kook as them? Yes.
I Gibblered all over the place.
For what it's worth, I'm really glad I stayed.
Only a family that loves each other can fight and make up so fast.
That's really sweet.
Thanks.
I guess we should go back inside, then.
Actually, I was watching how game night works.
And the tradition is clearly to make up and then kiss.
Please don't make me go back in there.
Come on.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Good boy, Horatio.
Everywhere you look Everywhere you go There's a heart, there's a heart What are you singing? I don't know, but it makes me feel happy inside.
Okay, Steve is gonna be here any minute, and we are gonna get you home to sleep this off.
And when you wake up tomorrow, all of this is gonna seem like a bad dream.
- Except for those hats you can't return.
- Uhh.
I'm sorry.
I know it was a crazy idea.
It's just that I am really hurting for money right now and Whoa.
Did I say that? These tranqs have really loosened me up.
San Francisco, I'm broke! Hey, how could you be strapped for cash? Business is really good.
For you.
You're not married to Gia.
Heh heh.
I mean, I love her so much, but can I tell you a secret? She is high maintenance! Honestly, you guys are a great couple.
Do not tell her I said nice things about her.
I think you and Steve are a great couple, too.
In fact, the whole time that we were dating, I knew.
[SING-SONG.]
I knew you were still in love with him.
Wha-Wha-Wha - What? - Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
In fact, I thought if I proposed real fast that I could get you off the market before you realized your true feelings.
Wow.
Those tranquilizers came with an extra dose of honesty.
But in the end, it all worked out.
We both got lucky.
We did, didn't we? So when are you and Steve getting married? Well, I've been thinking about it more than I ever have and well, now I'm talking about thinking about it, and I think I like the sound of it.
I want to marry Steve.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Dr.
Steven Hale has arrived.
Oh, Steve.
Thank goodness.
I am so glad to see you.
Stevie! Chest bump! [THUD.]
Ooh, la la ooh, la la This is amazing.
How did you do all of this? [SIGHS.]
We missed our reservation, but I still wanted to give you a special evening.
And you'd be surprised what a man can achieve when he's trying to avoid Gibbler Game Night.
Oh, I missed Gibbler Game Night? Yeah, maybe being a concierge vet isn't so bad after all.
Sorry you had to work.
Oh, it's okay.
You know, I realized something about us tonight.
Oh, yeah? What's that? [DOOR OPENS.]
Oh, good.
You guys are home.
We need two more for Twister.
Fair warning, Fernando is shirtless.
Yeah, we'll be right in.
[WHISPERS.]
Quick.
Grab the wine.
Let's get out of here.
Oh-oh-oh Hey [JEPSEN.]
One, two, three, four Oh [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
La la la la la la Ooh Oh