Futurama s01e05 Episode Script

What about the view, Fry? It really puts things in perspective.
From up here, an entire world can seem utterly insignificant.
Fear of a 'Bot Planet Nice seats! We're close enough to when you hit a player with a bottle, he's down.
I don't get it.
Is blernsball the same as baseball? Baseball? God forbid.
Face it, Fry.
Baseball was as boring as mom and apple pie.
- That's why they jazzed it up.
- Boring? Baseball wasn't- So they finally jazzed it up.
Home run! Right? Out! What happened? Why's the ball on that spring? It's tradition, like aluminum bats and the seventh-inning grope.
I got me a souvenir! Here you go, kid.
I'd like a jumbo squid log, please.
We don't sell those.
All right.
Let me have one of your young on a roll.
We're out of rolls.
Fine.
Just give me something crawling with parasites.
At least hot dogs didn't change.
- Buddies, who wants popcorn? I'll have some! Anyone want butter on that? I'm getting the hang of this.
The blerns are loaded count's 3 blerns, 2 anti-blerns, and the blern rule's in effect, right? Except for the word "blern," that's total gibberish.
Multi-ball! Multi-ball! Blern! Blern! All right! Yes! Miller's on a pace to hit 70 blerns.
He's good, all right.
But he's no Clem Johnson.
And Johnson played back in the days before steroids were mandatory.
That sack of skin wouldn't have lasted one pitch in the old Robot Leagues.
Now, Wireless Joe Jackson, there was a blern-hitting machine.
Exactly.
He was a machine designed to hit blerns.
Wireless Joe was a programmable bat on wheels.
And I suppose pitching at 5000 was just a modified howitzer? Humans are so scared of robot competition - you won't let us on the field.
- There's a lot of robots down there.
Yeah.
Doing crap work.
They're batboys, ball polishers, sprinkler systems.
But how many robot managers are there? - Eleven? - Zero! And what a surprise! Look who's scraping up the filth! Is it a human child? I wish! Whoa, dear Lord! What's wrong? It's my new pager.
This is Hermes.
A package just came in.
Return to the office immediately.
Get away, you filthy bird.
Professor? Turn me off, quick! I'm sorry.
What? See you at the office! Admit it! You think robots are just machines built to make life easier.
Well, aren't they? I've never made anyone's life easier, and you know it! Great news, everyone.
You'll be delivering a package to Chapek 9.
Where humans are killed on sight.
- Why is that great news? - I'm glad you asked that question.
You see, Chapek 9 was colonized centuries ago by a murderous crew of radical robot separatists.
Just because a robot wants to kill humans, he's a "radical.
" Hold on.
I understand these robots hate humans.
But how do they feel about humanoid aliens? They're not fans.
Bender will have to make the delivery.
I get it.
Make the robot do all the work.
This is the first actual work you've ever done here.
Well, I'm not doing it! It's a robot holiday.
Really? Which one? Only Robanukah.
The holiest two weeks on the robot calendar.
Come on, Bender.
Last month, it was Robomadom.
And before that, Robonza.
- Man, that one was a blast.
- Not just a blast it was a sacred tribute to my ancestral prototypes which took the form of a drinking contest.
Bender, I respect your diversity to the extent the law requires.
But you used all your days off when you had Roberculosis.
All right, I'll go.
But I'll hold a grudge against every last one of you for the rest of your lives.
Well then, it's settled.
So long, everyone.
So, this planet is completely uninhabited? No.
It's inhabited by robots.
Kind of like how a warehouse is inhabited by boxes.
Okay, Bender.
Time to get to work.
Yes, Ms.
Leela.
Tote that space barge.
Lift that space bale.
We can't land on the surface, the robots will kill us.
We'll stay and lower you with the winch.
Remember, you don't know humans, you don't work for humans and above all, you don't like humans.
I'll try to keep that in mind.
- He seems pretty angry.
- Yeah.
I'd be angry too, if I had to go to an uninhabited planet.
Let's do something nice for him.
There.
This will show that stupid robot we care.
Bender's done with the delivery, I'm in trouble.
They found out I work with humans and- Oh, no! - My God! We have to rescue him.
- No, they'll kill us.
What will we do? I don't know.
It's not an easy decision.
If only I had two or three minutes to think.
To save Bender, we've got to look and act exactly like robots.
I'm fully operational.
We have to walk and talk like robots, and maybe solve differential equations like robots.
I can dance like a robot.
Will that help? Fry.
First of all, this is serious.
Second of all: We look stupid.
We should've gotten store-bought costumes.
- But there's no Woolworth's nearby.
Halt! Be you robot or human? Robot we be.
Just two robots out roboting it up.
Heh? Administer the test.
Which of the following would you most prefer: A puppy? A pretty flower from your sweetie? Or C: A large, properly formatted data file? Choose! - Is the puppy mechanical at all? - No.
It's the bad kind of puppy.
We'll go with the data file.
- Correct.
- The flower would've been acceptable.
You may pass.
If you see robots, stay out of their way.
So far, so good.
- Little to the right.
Okay.
- Have you seen this robot? Sorry.
Can't help you.
Hey! Watch it! Don't drop that there! Oh! Come on, Fry.
Walk like a robot.
- I have to go to the bathroom.
- Robots don't have bathrooms.
Right.
Where do they smoke in high school? Just go behind those garbage cans.
I'll stand guard.
Hurry up, Fry! Sir? Are you aware you're leaking coolant at an alarming rate? - Let me patch you up with hot resin.
- I think the leak's stopping.
Wait.
Wait.
Yeah, there we go.
Wait.
Yeah.
What sort of robot turns down a free blast of searing-hot resin? Uh- I'm sorry.
My friend and I have to do some mindless, repetitive tasks.
Sounds like a romantic evening.
I won't keep you.
- Get the humanoids.
- Get the intruder.
Intruder alert.
Quick! Let's duck in here! We interrupt this sound file for an announcement: A nonmetallic being is in the vicinity of Make-Out Point.
Say, Wendy? Your chassis's scuffed.
Mind if I polish it for you? Did you hear that? It sounded like a human.
Relax, Wendy.
Humans will never come to our little town.
It's perfectly safe to let our guard down.
I will eat and digest you all with my system of mighty organs! Behold! Wow! The 3-D's great! Mine's not working.
Funny, isn't it? The human's impervious to our powerful magnetic fields.
Yet in the end, he succumbed to a harmless sharpened stick.
- I'm glad the nightmare's over.
- It'll never be over.
Even now, humans lurk in our playgrounds, breezeways perhaps even our movie theaters! God help us! Okay.
Keep an eye out for Bender.
What did you think of the movie? Too much romance, not enough human killing.
It was a real chick flick.
What's that? What do you mean, "What's that?" It's 5:00.
Time for the daily human hunt.
Stay with the crowd so no one sees how crummy you look.
- That was uncalled for.
- I'm over here.
I heard a human was draining coolant behind garbage can 738.
I heard they unscrew our lug nuts at night and eat them at brunches.
Welcome to a very special human hunt.
We have a guest whose irrational hatred for humans makes me look like a human sympathizer.
A newly-arrived refugee from Earth, let's hear it for Bender! It's him! He's okay! Death to the humans! Ah, it's good to hear his voice.
Many said I was too extreme when I called for the annihilation of humans as well as some of the more cunning monkeys.
After living on Earth, I can tell you that I am, if anything too merciful.
My God! He's become evil.
I mean, eviler.
Thank you.
And if you enjoyed that diatribe you'll want to purchase my spoken-word album.
Just $18.
95.
Act now, and you'll get this Bender action figurine.
Bite my shiny metal ass.
Let the hunt begin! Now, your basic human is between three and 25 feet tall and is made of a hairy, oily goo in a T-shirt.
Do they bite you, suck your fluid - and you become human? - Sure.
- Anything in the trap? - Nothing.
Nothing.
Humans prefer low-calorie bait.
Well, that makes 146,000 unsuccessful hunts in a row.
But I've got a good feeling about tomorrow.
Wait! What's that? That's the abandoned adult-book store.
Nothing there, except a few shreds of old robot pornography.
Sounds like a breeding ground for humans.
I'll check it out.
Oh, yeah.
You're a bad girl, aren't you? Psst, Bender! What? Oh, you! - What are you doing here? - Looking for you.
We heard you were arrested as a human sympathizer.
I was.
They let me go when I said I killed a billion humans.
Good! Let's get back to the ship.
- What for? - We're rescuing you.
- I don't want that.
- Say what? I love this planet.
I've got wealth, fame and access to the depths of sleaze from that.
But we're your friends.
Friends? That activates my hilarity unit.
I'm a machine.
You're no more my friends than you are with the toaster, phonograph or electric chair.
That's not true.
Well, that's how it feels to me.
Bye, Bender.
I'll miss you.
Go on.
Get out of here before you get caught.
Bender, good news.
Your album just went gold.
- What the-? - It's the humans! Bender, do something! Got you! You murderous flesh piles! Your Honor, I intend to demonstrate beyond 0.
5o/o of a doubt that these humans are guilty of the crime of being humans.
Come to think of it, I rest my case.
Thank you, prosecutor.
I will now consider the evidence.
Wait a minute.
Won't someone defend us? Yeah! He may not have a case, but I am genuinely not a human.
Quiet, human! He froze up again.
Try control-alt-delete.
- Jiggle the cord.
- Turn him off and on.
- Clean the mouse.
- Call technical support! Okay, okay, he's back online.
I find the defendants guilty.
No! Look, one eye! Count them! One! Not human! The humans are sentenced to live as robots live on Earth.
They'll perform tedious calculations and spot-weld cars until they become obsolete, and given to an inner-city school.
Great work, Bender! You've taught us to hate humans all over again! Heh-heh.
Oh Are you all right? Oh, yeah.
- Who are you? - We are the Robot Elders.
You don't look old.
Thanks.
We try to take care of ourselves.
- What's going on? - Silence! Bring in Bender! Make this quick.
I'm due at a mini-mall opening.
Hey! What is this? Silence! It's time to kill the humans.
But the judge sentenced us! Silence! That's just a show for the public.
We rule this planet.
Handcarved from meteorites by robot founders over four centuries ago.
Silence! Come forward, Bender.
You'll have the honor of execution.
Silence! I concur.
Here.
Use the ceremonial kill-a-ma-gig.
I'm a little tired right now.
Can I just give them a savage beating? No! The elders have spoken.
Show us the killing skills that made you a media darling.
Do it! Kill them before they bring down our society! - Do it! - Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Oh.
I can't kill them.
Plenty of humans have mistreated robots, but not these two.
They're my friends.
Humans are no threat to us.
They're stupid, putrid cowards.
Damn right! The fact is, humans are completely harmless.
- We're well aware of that.
- You are? We use them as scapegoats to distract the public from their real problems.
Like our crippling lug nut shortage.
And a corrupt government of robot elders.
That's for sure.
Quiet, Jimmy.
I'm glad that's out in the open.
We'll just let ourselves out.
Silence! You all know too much.
Elders? Execute function control, shift, kill.
Stop! Take one more step, and I'll breathe fire on you! He'll do it! He's crazy! Did we make that up? Gee, I can't remember anymore.
It might be from that stupid movie.
The original or the remake? Hey! They're getting away! So long, suckers! Hello, suckers.
Hold on.
I forgot to deliver the package.
Lug nuts! Precious lug nuts! Hooray for the humans! I can't believe you guys did this for me.
This is the best Robanukah ever! We want you to know that we respect your robot heritage.
Thanks.
You know I made Robanukah up to get out of work, right? Of course.
That doesn't make it less meaningful.
In that case, let the dancing begin! Hey, you guys are good.
How the hell do you do that?