Futurama s01e09 Episode Script
1ACV09 - Hell Is Other Robots
Hell is Other Robots This is awesome! I've waited 1000 years for this show.
- Can I get anybody a beer? - Sure! Ladies and gentlemen, here to lay down some old, old incredibly old-school beats the Beastie Boys! Well, now, don't you tell me to smile You stick around I'll make it worth your while I've got numbers beyond What you can dial Maybe it's because I'm so versatile Style, profile, I said It always brings me back When I hear "Ooh Child" Impressive.
They're busting mad rhymes with an 80o/o success rate.
That qualifies as ill, from a technical standpoint.
Will you guys shut up? I'm trying to look cool.
Tammy D.
getting biz on the crop Beastie Boys know to let the beat Drop Ow! How's it going? Enjoying the show? Ow! Don't forget to pick up a T-shirt! Wow! An old-fashioned mosh pit! Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999.
Again.
Ow! Hey, watch it! These guys rock harder than ever! Oh, my It's a mirage Telling you all it's a sabotage Sabotage, yeah Peace! We out! - Hey, Bender! - Hey, Fender! I haven't seen you since high school! - Still work at Jack in the Box? - No I'm with the band.
Oh, oh yeah.
Fellas, meet my friends, Bender, Fry and Leela.
We're not that interested in meeting them.
Wow! I love you guys! In my century, I had all five albums.
That was 1000 years ago.
Now we got seven.
Can I borrow the new ones and some blank tapes? Let's ditch these organ sacks and hit the real party.
Count me in.
I'm gonna drink until I reboot! What kind of party is this? No booze and only one hooker.
Don't be a drag, man.
We're jacking-on.
Oh yeah! - Want a jolt? - I'm no square but it's counter-indicated by my manual.
"Counter-indicated.
" Come on, grab a jack.
I told them you were cool.
If jacking-on makes strangers think I'm cool I'll do it! Easy, baby.
Don't want to get hooked.
Don't worry.
I don't have an addictive personality.
What are we doing in this bad neighborhood? Shut up, square! I'll just be a minute.
Wretched sinner unit, the path to robot heaven lies here in the Good Book, 3.
0.
Do I preach to you when you're lying stoned in the gutter? No! So beat it! Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Who was that? Your mama.
Now shut up and drag me to work! Our electric bill's up like a snake up sugarcane.
Someone here's been wasting a whole heap of juice.
- Probably you! - Me? - Good morning, Bender.
- None of your business! Lay off! - What's his problem? - Looks like he's abusing electricity.
Bender? No way.
I would've noticed.
Why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? - Are you jacking-on? No! Don't come in! Good news, everyone! Today you'll deliver subpoenas to Sicily 8, the Mob Planet.
All right! Let's get to work! I'll be out in a second! Vinny said he was giving me the kiss of death - but I think he was gay.
- Did he use his tongue? A little.
- You okay? - None of your business! Lay off me! Uh-oh.
There's an electrical disturbance ahead.
- What kind of disturbance? - Electrical.
It will take some careful piloting to avoid it.
We're heading into the electric field! What's happening? I feel weird! Come on, universe! You big, mostly empty wuss! Give me all the juice you got! Oh, mama.
What? We didn't mind your drinking, your kleptomania - or the pornography.
- That's why we loved you.
But this abuse crossed the line.
You almost killed us.
You betrayed my trust.
Like when my friend swore he wasn't on drugs then sold me my mom's VCR.
Later I found out he was taking drugs.
I'm ashamed to be your friend.
You're right.
I'm a lost cause.
Maybe there's another way.
Oh, yeah! That's the good stuff.
What am I doing? What have I become? I see a lot of fancy robots here today made of real shiny metal.
But that don't impress the Robot Devil! - No, sir! - If you're a sinner he'll plug his infernal modem in the wall belching smoke and flame! He'll download you straight to Robot Hell! - Straight to hell! - Who will stand up and be saved? Who? Who? Me.
As another cost-cutting measure, no more salt-water cooler.
This is a witch hunt! Oh, what a beautiful morning Oh, what a beautiful day Greetings, friends! Don't we look nice today? He's whacked out on electricity again.
I'm whacked out on life! My friends, I found religion.
Religion? Is this another scam to get free yarmulkes? Give him a break.
If this helps Bender, then we should be supportive.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yes.
Wonderful! Then you'll all come to my long un-air-conditioned baptism! - Uh - Oh, I, um We are gathered to deliver Brother Bender from the cold steel grip of the Devil unto the cold steel bosom of our congregation.
- Tell it, preacher! - That equals true.
Brother Bender, do you accept the principles of Robotology on pain of damnation in Robot Hell? - Yes, I do! - Then I will now baptize you.
Press any key to continue.
While you're at it, could you touch up this seam? Unbelievable.
The old Bender would never buy us dinner.
Old Bender's gone.
He won't trouble you anymore.
Would monsieur care to see the wine list? No poison for us, thanks.
I'll stick with good old mineral oil.
Functional.
I'm hungrier than a snake in a cane field.
Friends! Friends! Surely you're not going to eat before we say Robot Grace? In the name of all that is logical, we give thanks for the energy we are about to absorb.
Quoting Prophet Jerimatic: "One-zero-zero-zero-one-zero-one- zero-one-zero-one-zero-one.
Zero-zero-one.
Zero-one-one-zero-zero-one.
Two.
" Amen.
- Does that mean we can eat now? - Yes.
But first, since I love you all so much I'd like to give everyone hugs.
- Come here, Fry! - I don't want to.
Fry, you're my friend.
Everyone line up for a hug! Let's tear down some emotional walls.
- What are you doing to my ship? - Sanctifying it.
There.
That ought to convert a few tailgaters.
- His dumb religion's driving me nuts.
- Amen.
He should've joined a mainstream religion, like Oprah-ism or voodoo.
- We've got to get old Bender back.
- I know how.
We have to reacquaint him with a little thing called "sleaze.
" Somebody hired an interstellar spaceship to deliver a package to Atlantic City? What are we delivering? This.
Where to? Here.
Another job well done.
Back to the office for an evening of fasting and repentance.
Wait! As long as we're here, why not see some exotic dancing? Hey, great idea! But those girls don't wear cases! - You can see their bare circuits! - Come on, it'll be fun.
We could even drink some fortified wine.
What? Drinking wine is a sin.
Even if it is delicious.
Look at that woman's purse.
It's hanging by a spaghetti strand.
- Thou shalt not snatch! - There's Hooker-Bot 5000.
She's got a heart of gold.
- Hey, sailing unit.
- Stop tempting me! For once in my life, I have inner peace! That's for losers! Come on, sin your heart out! - Go nuts! - Live a little.
Could you hold my purse? Go for it, Bender.
You know you want to.
Well I'm the greatest! - We got the old Bender back.
- You know it, pork pie! Except for one thing.
As a major Hollywood director I'll be holding auditions tonight.
Even though you're all young and naive I think you might have what it takes.
I'm trying to score here! Can't you read the "Do Not Disturb" sign? No! No! Greetings, Bender! Welcome to Robot Hell! - What happened to Bender? - He didn't check out.
The ashtray's here.
Nibbler's caught the scent of vodka and oil! Go, boy! Follow that stench! I'm hallucinating, right? No, Bender! Robot Hell is quite real.
Here's our brochure.
I don't belong here.
I don't like scary and painful things.
Sorry.
You agreed to this when you joined our religion.
If you sin, you go to Robot Hell for all eternity! Aw, hell- I mean, heck.
You can say that here.
I remember this place.
They closed it after people caught salmonella.
Look! It's the symbol of Bender's old religion.
Unbelievable! It's an actual, factual Robot Hell! Who would've thought Hell would exist and be in New Jersey? Actually- Whoa! We know all your sins and prepared an agonizing and ironic punishment for each one.
Gentlemen? Oh, crap.
Singing.
Mind if I smoke? Cigars are evil You won't miss them We'll find ways to simulate That smell What a sorry fella Rolled up in smoke like a panatela Here on Level 1 of Robot Hell Gambling's wrong, so is cheating So is forging phony IOUs Let's let Lady Luck decide What type of torture's justified I'm pit boss here on Level 2.
Deep-fried robot! - Just tell me why - Read this 55-page warrant - There must be robots worse than I - There really aren't Please let me explain My crimes were merely boyish pranks - You stole from nuns and banks - Blame my upbringing Please stop sinning while I'm singing Selling bootleg tapes is wrong Musicians need that income to survive Bender gonna make noise With your hard drive scratched By the Beastie Boys That's what you what you What you get on Level 5 - I don't feel well - It's up to us to rescue him - Maybe he likes it here in Hell - It's us who tempted him to sin - Maybe he's back at the motel - Fry, don't be scared I'm sure we'll be spared - Just sit back, enjoy the ride - My ass has blisters from the slide Fencing diamonds, cockfights Publishing indecent magazines You'll pay for every crime Knee-deep in electric slime Suffering to the end of time Enduring tortures which rhyme Trapped forever here in Robot Hell Of course, that's just for starters.
- Bender, are you all right? - No.
They're tormenting me with up-tempo singing and dancing.
All right, Beelzebot.
How can we get our friend back? Sorry, I hold the cards.
There's nothing you can do.
Now, if you'll sign this fiddle contest waiver.
Wait.
What fiddle contest? The Fairness in Hell Act of 2275 requires me to inform you that if you win a fiddle contest you win back Bender's soul.
- As well as a solid gold fiddle.
- Wouldn't it weigh 1000 pounds - and sound crummy? - It's mostly for show.
- Do you know how to play? - No.
Do you? No.
But I played drums.
They're similar.
- What happens if we lose? - You'll win a small, silver fiddle.
Also, I guess I'll kill one of you.
Him.
- We'll do it.
- Very well, then.
Beat this! Well, we're boned.
Your turn.
Ha! Time for the drum solo.
Run! Stop them! They cheated! - Hurry, Bender! - I could if you'd drop the stupid gold violin.
Oh.
Sorry.
- Yeah! - All right! Don't worry.
I'll never be too good or too evil again.
From now on, I'll just be me.
Do you think you could be a little less evil than that? I don't know.
You think you could survive a 700-foot fall? Good old Bender.
Yeah, yeah, this one goes out To my man Bender Sending this out, special dedication To all my people in robot homeworld We got the professor My man Dr.
Zoidberg I'd like to shout out A personal shout-out to Leela Right My man Bender Nibbler, Nibbler in the house Big shout out to all the Futurama
- Can I get anybody a beer? - Sure! Ladies and gentlemen, here to lay down some old, old incredibly old-school beats the Beastie Boys! Well, now, don't you tell me to smile You stick around I'll make it worth your while I've got numbers beyond What you can dial Maybe it's because I'm so versatile Style, profile, I said It always brings me back When I hear "Ooh Child" Impressive.
They're busting mad rhymes with an 80o/o success rate.
That qualifies as ill, from a technical standpoint.
Will you guys shut up? I'm trying to look cool.
Tammy D.
getting biz on the crop Beastie Boys know to let the beat Drop Ow! How's it going? Enjoying the show? Ow! Don't forget to pick up a T-shirt! Wow! An old-fashioned mosh pit! Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999.
Again.
Ow! Hey, watch it! These guys rock harder than ever! Oh, my It's a mirage Telling you all it's a sabotage Sabotage, yeah Peace! We out! - Hey, Bender! - Hey, Fender! I haven't seen you since high school! - Still work at Jack in the Box? - No I'm with the band.
Oh, oh yeah.
Fellas, meet my friends, Bender, Fry and Leela.
We're not that interested in meeting them.
Wow! I love you guys! In my century, I had all five albums.
That was 1000 years ago.
Now we got seven.
Can I borrow the new ones and some blank tapes? Let's ditch these organ sacks and hit the real party.
Count me in.
I'm gonna drink until I reboot! What kind of party is this? No booze and only one hooker.
Don't be a drag, man.
We're jacking-on.
Oh yeah! - Want a jolt? - I'm no square but it's counter-indicated by my manual.
"Counter-indicated.
" Come on, grab a jack.
I told them you were cool.
If jacking-on makes strangers think I'm cool I'll do it! Easy, baby.
Don't want to get hooked.
Don't worry.
I don't have an addictive personality.
What are we doing in this bad neighborhood? Shut up, square! I'll just be a minute.
Wretched sinner unit, the path to robot heaven lies here in the Good Book, 3.
0.
Do I preach to you when you're lying stoned in the gutter? No! So beat it! Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Who was that? Your mama.
Now shut up and drag me to work! Our electric bill's up like a snake up sugarcane.
Someone here's been wasting a whole heap of juice.
- Probably you! - Me? - Good morning, Bender.
- None of your business! Lay off! - What's his problem? - Looks like he's abusing electricity.
Bender? No way.
I would've noticed.
Why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? - Are you jacking-on? No! Don't come in! Good news, everyone! Today you'll deliver subpoenas to Sicily 8, the Mob Planet.
All right! Let's get to work! I'll be out in a second! Vinny said he was giving me the kiss of death - but I think he was gay.
- Did he use his tongue? A little.
- You okay? - None of your business! Lay off me! Uh-oh.
There's an electrical disturbance ahead.
- What kind of disturbance? - Electrical.
It will take some careful piloting to avoid it.
We're heading into the electric field! What's happening? I feel weird! Come on, universe! You big, mostly empty wuss! Give me all the juice you got! Oh, mama.
What? We didn't mind your drinking, your kleptomania - or the pornography.
- That's why we loved you.
But this abuse crossed the line.
You almost killed us.
You betrayed my trust.
Like when my friend swore he wasn't on drugs then sold me my mom's VCR.
Later I found out he was taking drugs.
I'm ashamed to be your friend.
You're right.
I'm a lost cause.
Maybe there's another way.
Oh, yeah! That's the good stuff.
What am I doing? What have I become? I see a lot of fancy robots here today made of real shiny metal.
But that don't impress the Robot Devil! - No, sir! - If you're a sinner he'll plug his infernal modem in the wall belching smoke and flame! He'll download you straight to Robot Hell! - Straight to hell! - Who will stand up and be saved? Who? Who? Me.
As another cost-cutting measure, no more salt-water cooler.
This is a witch hunt! Oh, what a beautiful morning Oh, what a beautiful day Greetings, friends! Don't we look nice today? He's whacked out on electricity again.
I'm whacked out on life! My friends, I found religion.
Religion? Is this another scam to get free yarmulkes? Give him a break.
If this helps Bender, then we should be supportive.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yes.
Wonderful! Then you'll all come to my long un-air-conditioned baptism! - Uh - Oh, I, um We are gathered to deliver Brother Bender from the cold steel grip of the Devil unto the cold steel bosom of our congregation.
- Tell it, preacher! - That equals true.
Brother Bender, do you accept the principles of Robotology on pain of damnation in Robot Hell? - Yes, I do! - Then I will now baptize you.
Press any key to continue.
While you're at it, could you touch up this seam? Unbelievable.
The old Bender would never buy us dinner.
Old Bender's gone.
He won't trouble you anymore.
Would monsieur care to see the wine list? No poison for us, thanks.
I'll stick with good old mineral oil.
Functional.
I'm hungrier than a snake in a cane field.
Friends! Friends! Surely you're not going to eat before we say Robot Grace? In the name of all that is logical, we give thanks for the energy we are about to absorb.
Quoting Prophet Jerimatic: "One-zero-zero-zero-one-zero-one- zero-one-zero-one-zero-one.
Zero-zero-one.
Zero-one-one-zero-zero-one.
Two.
" Amen.
- Does that mean we can eat now? - Yes.
But first, since I love you all so much I'd like to give everyone hugs.
- Come here, Fry! - I don't want to.
Fry, you're my friend.
Everyone line up for a hug! Let's tear down some emotional walls.
- What are you doing to my ship? - Sanctifying it.
There.
That ought to convert a few tailgaters.
- His dumb religion's driving me nuts.
- Amen.
He should've joined a mainstream religion, like Oprah-ism or voodoo.
- We've got to get old Bender back.
- I know how.
We have to reacquaint him with a little thing called "sleaze.
" Somebody hired an interstellar spaceship to deliver a package to Atlantic City? What are we delivering? This.
Where to? Here.
Another job well done.
Back to the office for an evening of fasting and repentance.
Wait! As long as we're here, why not see some exotic dancing? Hey, great idea! But those girls don't wear cases! - You can see their bare circuits! - Come on, it'll be fun.
We could even drink some fortified wine.
What? Drinking wine is a sin.
Even if it is delicious.
Look at that woman's purse.
It's hanging by a spaghetti strand.
- Thou shalt not snatch! - There's Hooker-Bot 5000.
She's got a heart of gold.
- Hey, sailing unit.
- Stop tempting me! For once in my life, I have inner peace! That's for losers! Come on, sin your heart out! - Go nuts! - Live a little.
Could you hold my purse? Go for it, Bender.
You know you want to.
Well I'm the greatest! - We got the old Bender back.
- You know it, pork pie! Except for one thing.
As a major Hollywood director I'll be holding auditions tonight.
Even though you're all young and naive I think you might have what it takes.
I'm trying to score here! Can't you read the "Do Not Disturb" sign? No! No! Greetings, Bender! Welcome to Robot Hell! - What happened to Bender? - He didn't check out.
The ashtray's here.
Nibbler's caught the scent of vodka and oil! Go, boy! Follow that stench! I'm hallucinating, right? No, Bender! Robot Hell is quite real.
Here's our brochure.
I don't belong here.
I don't like scary and painful things.
Sorry.
You agreed to this when you joined our religion.
If you sin, you go to Robot Hell for all eternity! Aw, hell- I mean, heck.
You can say that here.
I remember this place.
They closed it after people caught salmonella.
Look! It's the symbol of Bender's old religion.
Unbelievable! It's an actual, factual Robot Hell! Who would've thought Hell would exist and be in New Jersey? Actually- Whoa! We know all your sins and prepared an agonizing and ironic punishment for each one.
Gentlemen? Oh, crap.
Singing.
Mind if I smoke? Cigars are evil You won't miss them We'll find ways to simulate That smell What a sorry fella Rolled up in smoke like a panatela Here on Level 1 of Robot Hell Gambling's wrong, so is cheating So is forging phony IOUs Let's let Lady Luck decide What type of torture's justified I'm pit boss here on Level 2.
Deep-fried robot! - Just tell me why - Read this 55-page warrant - There must be robots worse than I - There really aren't Please let me explain My crimes were merely boyish pranks - You stole from nuns and banks - Blame my upbringing Please stop sinning while I'm singing Selling bootleg tapes is wrong Musicians need that income to survive Bender gonna make noise With your hard drive scratched By the Beastie Boys That's what you what you What you get on Level 5 - I don't feel well - It's up to us to rescue him - Maybe he likes it here in Hell - It's us who tempted him to sin - Maybe he's back at the motel - Fry, don't be scared I'm sure we'll be spared - Just sit back, enjoy the ride - My ass has blisters from the slide Fencing diamonds, cockfights Publishing indecent magazines You'll pay for every crime Knee-deep in electric slime Suffering to the end of time Enduring tortures which rhyme Trapped forever here in Robot Hell Of course, that's just for starters.
- Bender, are you all right? - No.
They're tormenting me with up-tempo singing and dancing.
All right, Beelzebot.
How can we get our friend back? Sorry, I hold the cards.
There's nothing you can do.
Now, if you'll sign this fiddle contest waiver.
Wait.
What fiddle contest? The Fairness in Hell Act of 2275 requires me to inform you that if you win a fiddle contest you win back Bender's soul.
- As well as a solid gold fiddle.
- Wouldn't it weigh 1000 pounds - and sound crummy? - It's mostly for show.
- Do you know how to play? - No.
Do you? No.
But I played drums.
They're similar.
- What happens if we lose? - You'll win a small, silver fiddle.
Also, I guess I'll kill one of you.
Him.
- We'll do it.
- Very well, then.
Beat this! Well, we're boned.
Your turn.
Ha! Time for the drum solo.
Run! Stop them! They cheated! - Hurry, Bender! - I could if you'd drop the stupid gold violin.
Oh.
Sorry.
- Yeah! - All right! Don't worry.
I'll never be too good or too evil again.
From now on, I'll just be me.
Do you think you could be a little less evil than that? I don't know.
You think you could survive a 700-foot fall? Good old Bender.
Yeah, yeah, this one goes out To my man Bender Sending this out, special dedication To all my people in robot homeworld We got the professor My man Dr.
Zoidberg I'd like to shout out A personal shout-out to Leela Right My man Bender Nibbler, Nibbler in the house Big shout out to all the Futurama