Futurama s02e03 Episode Script

Pizza delivery! - Wow! So this is a real TV station?|- Well, it's a Fox affiliate.
What's on now? Single Female Lawyer's season finale.
|You want to watch? That's a chick show.
I prefer programs of the genre|"World's Blankiest Blank.
" - She's in the world's shortiest skirt.
|- I'm in.
Counselor, it's unethical|to sleep with your client.
If you care about the case,|you should sleep with me.
It's bad enough to proposition|a single female lawyer.
- But this is a unisex bathroom!|- Overruled, counselor.
Could you repeat that last part? - My God! You knocked Fox off the air.
|- Like anyone on Earth cares.
Could you repeat that last p-? I demand to know what happened|to the plucky lawyer and her compellingly|short garment! Due to technical difficulties we bring you eight animated shows|in a row.
When Aliens Attack What in the name of Bob Marley's|ghost? Get to work, lazy boat bag! Quit it, Hermes! It's Labor Day! The phony-baloney holiday crammed|down our throats by union gangsters? - That's the one.
|- Hot damn, a day off! Who's up for|one last summer beach trip? - Oh, yeah.
|- Ready Freddy! I think I'll stay here.
You're wasting your life|in front of that TV.
You need to see the real world.
It's HDTV.
It has better resolution|than the real world.
Everyone's too polite to say|you're covered with bed sores.
- Not covered.
|- Just get in the car.
Here we are! Monument Beach! Mount Rushmore and the Leaning Tower|of Pisa? They're both in New York? In the 2600s, New Yorkers|elected a villainous governor.
He stole most of|the world's monuments.
Truly a great man.
|Look at him up there.
Aha! Found you! Okay, now you go hide.
Nice knowing you.
Oh! Come on, I passed it right to you! Oh! I've had it with this game.
|I'm going for a scuttle.
Okay, everyone! Come and get it! Like my dad used to make,|until McDonald's fired him.
Bite my red-hot glowing ass!|Wait a minute.
Red-hot glowing ass?|I'll be right back.
Oh, yeah.
No! Nibbler! Professor? I need another bikini.
Okay, I think there's one can left.
Oh, my.
- There.
How do I look?|- Like a cheap French harlot.
French? Say, dollface.
How'd you like to|make time with a real man? No.
I'm not attracted to bullies,|no matter how big and handsome they are.
Go ahead.
|I got a lot of work to do.
Sir, you don't understand.
|I'm a professional beach bully.
I pretend to steal your girl,|you punch me, I go down she swoons, you slip me 50 bucks.
$50?! Not even if she was|my girlfriend.
Take her.
Fry! Although I suppose we could|go for a walk on the beach.
No, thanks, ma'am.
I'm actually gay.
Uh-oh.
Help! Help! You gotta spring me! I won't survive|in here! I'm too pretty! All right, all right.
|I'll bust you out.
Cheese it! Voilá! The greatest sandcastle|ever built.
King Arthur would've lived in it|if he were a fiddler crab.
We should get a picture|before the tide comes in.
- Does anyone have a camera?|- Right here.
Wait, I want to be in the picture too! Pretend you're happy.
Oh, my God! What in Babylon? No! Faster! We'll die, won't we? I should think so.
Although|last time aliens invaded they forced the most intelligent of|us to pair off and mate continuously.
Oh, yes.
Once again, today's winning lotto|number was four.
Alien saucers continue|to rain destruction upon Earth.
We go live to an emergency address|by Earth President McNeal.
Ladies and gentlemen, our course is|clear.
It's time to knuckle under.
Get down on all fours and lick boot.
|Give our alien masters whatever they- People of Earth.
I am Lure of the planet|Omicron Persei Eight.
Is this thing on? Now then, we want the one|you call McNeal.
Give us McNeal or we'll waste your|cities with our anti-monument laser.
We demand McNeal! As I was saying, mankind would|sooner perish than kowtow to outrageous alien|demands for this McNeal whoever he is.
Am I right? Now, the man leading our|proud struggle for freedom fresh from his bloody triumph over|the Gandhi Nebula pacifists 25-star general, Zapp Brannigan.
Look, it's that idiotic windbag|you slept with.
The Earth's under attack.
|Can't we forget about that? Evidently not.
If there's an alien|out there I can't kill I haven't killed him yet.
|I can't go it alone.
I order every available|ship to report for duty.
If you have no ship, secure a weapon.
|Fire wildly in the air.
You heard the windbag: we're drafted.
|Everyone into the ship.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on.
I won't fight.
|I'm a conscientious objector.
- A what?|- You know.
A coward.
As it's an emergency all robots ' patriotism circuits|will be activated.
It's every robot's duty to give his|life for humanity.
Oh, crap.
We're from different cultures.
|Some are white, some are black.
You're brown.
And you're silver.
But I don't care if your skin's|red or tan or Chinese.
You'll learn to die together.
|Right, soldier? Well, actually I- Sir, yes, sir! Sir! Remember, our mission is simple:|destroy all aliens.
Um, uh Not me, sir.
Oh, yes, right.
Nobody destroy Kif.
|Unless you have to.
Oh-ho-ho.
The luscious Captain Leela.
This is turning into one sexy struggle|for the future of the human race.
Thanks.
I'm not technically human.
Right, right.
|Nobody destroy Leela, either.
The key to victory is discipline.
|That means a well-made bed.
Practice until you make|your bed in your sleep.
While I sleep in it? You won't have time to sleep|with all the bed-making you'll do.
The alien mother ship's here.
|If we hit that bull's-eye the rest of the dominoes will fall|like a house of cards.
Checkmate.
My strategy is so simple|an idiot could have devised it.
On my command, all ships|file directly into alien death cannons,|clogging them with wreckage.
Wouldn't it make more sense|to send the robots in first-? Sir! I volunteer for a suicide|mission.
Aw, cut it out! When I'm in command, son, every|mission's a suicide mission.
Which reminds me.
Perhaps|before we head into battle you'd like to make love, in case|one of us doesn't come back? We should wait till after,|in case neither of us comes back.
Here's hoping.
I'll be a science-fiction hero, like|Uhura or Captain Janeway or Xena.
This isn't TV, it's real life.
|Can't you tell the difference? Sure.
I just like TV better.
Damage report! The auxiliary power's out|and they spilled my cocktail.
All right, scum wads.
|This one's for Bender's cocktail.
We did it! We won! Yeah, but it'll never bring back|my martini.
Well, who wants a martini? Good work, everyone.
|The mother ship is destroyed.
- What is that?|- It appears to be the mother ship.
- Then what did we just blow up?|- The Hubble Telescope.
Stop exploding, you cowards! It's hopeless.
If we'll be blown to bits, we'll do it|it in the comfort of our home.
You're the captain.
|You're the delivery boy.
And you'll be the alcoholic,|foul-mouthed- God, you're alive! I mean, thank God you're alive! Sorry.
Check back in three days.
|A week at the most.
We want McNeal! Stop stalling! Now, a rebuttal from President McNeal.
The people of Earth remain united in|my refusal to hand over myself.
Total annihilation is a small price|to pay compared with- Here he is! Come and get him.
- You are not McNeal!|- Huh? - You are not the one we want.
|- Thank you, glorious masters.
I- - Give us McNeal!|- That was McNeal.
No, McNeal.
|The Single Female Lawyer.
- She's promiscuous.
Wears miniskirts.
|- Really? Miniskirts? That sounds familiar.
McNeal, an unmarried human female struggling to succeed|in a human male's world.
Maybe that's her excuse|for incompetence.
Silence! We will accept no more|decoys.
This is the McNeal.
- Wait, I know her.
|- You do not, you big fat liar.
You don't know anyone.
|All you do is watch TV.
That's where I know her from.
|Jenny McNeal.
She was a character on a 20th-century|TV show, Single Female Lawyer.
If they hope to see a TV show that|hasn't existed for 1000 years they're royally boned.
We'll raise your planet's temperature|by one million degrees a day for five days unless we see McNeal|at 9:00 p.
m.
tomorrow.
I'm beginning to think there'll be|no forced mating at all.
They'll destroy the Earth if they don't see a TV show|about some bimbo lawyer? How could they know about|a show from 1000 years ago? Omicron Persei Eight's about|1000 light years away.
The electromagnetic waves would|have just gotten there.
- You see-|- Magic.
Got it.
Back in 1999, Single Female Lawyer's|season finale was interrupted by|technical problems.
Some idiot spilled Coke|on the transmitter.
Beer.
I would think.
They want to see that episode.
|Let's find the tape.
No copies are left.
Most videotapes from that era|were damaged in 2443 during the second coming of Jesus.
I saw the first 30 seconds|of that episode.
I could make up an ending|we'd act out.
I could make the costumes.
I have an old five-megawatt|broadcasting tower.
And I could be an acting coach! Let's put on a show! Leela, you'll star as Jenny- Uh-uh.
Forget it.
A: I'm camera shy.
I get tongue-tied in front of an|audience armed with death rays.
Plus, you don't have the thighs|for a miniskirt.
Give me the script.
Places everyone! Okay All set.
Lights! Camera one! Camera two! Camera three! Prepare the water cooler that we may gather around it later|to discuss things.
Single Female Lawyer Fighting for her client Wearing sexy miniskirts And being self-reliant I'm pretty good.
McNeal, you are charged with jury|tampering in last week's case due to your hot, naked affair with|the foreman.
How do you plead? I move for a mistrial as I'm also having a hot, naked|affair with the foreman of this jury.
I'll see you during the recess.
If she wants to be taken seriously,|why not tear the judge's head off? It is true what they say.
Women are from Persei Seven.
|Men are from Persei Nine.
Your witness, Prosecutor Ramirez.
Gracias.
Single Female Lawyer, where were you|the night of August 23rd? - Sleeping with you!|- Aha! Getting back to the matter|If it please the court There's nothing else here.
|You only wrote two pages of dialogue.
It took an hour to write.
I thought|it'd take an hour to read.
- What do we do now?|- I don't know.
Say anything, if it's compelling and|mesmerizing.
A tour de force.
Uh What say you, Single Female Lawyer? I say I'm giving up the law!|And I'm giving up being single! Your Honor, will you marry me? Oh, no! Go to commercial! We'll be back after this word from|Crazy Bender's Discount Stereo.
- Married? Jenny can't get married!|- Why not? It's clever, unexpected.
That's not why people watch TV! Clever things make people feel stupid.
Unexpected things make them|feel scared.
Attention, McNeal.
Your unexpected|marriage plan scares us.
You stole our hearts as a|single female lawyer.
So shall you remain, or else! See? TV audiences don't want|originality.
They want what they've|seen 1000 times before.
- What you talking about, Fry?|- Trust me.
While other people lived their lives,|I watched TV.
Deep down I knew it might one|day help me save the world.
Plus I'd have lost Workman's Comp if I|went outside.
Read these cue cards.
And action.
Miss McNeal, I must decline|your offer of marriage.
For you see, I'm dying.
|Cough, then fall over dead.
My God, he's dead.
I'll now make my closing statement.
|With my fiancé deceased I hereby return to my Single|Female Lawyer career no matter what any man says.
We find the defendant vulnerable,|yet spunky.
Hooray! And cut! Single Female Lawyer Having lots of sex- Huh? McNeal, we are reasonably satisfied|with the events we have seen.
Overall, I would rate it a C-Plus.
|Okay, not great.
As a result, we will not|destroy your planet.
Neither will we provide you with|our recipe for immortality.
Way to overact, Zoidberg.
Now we must return to our planet to catch a 1000-year-old|Leno monologue.
- You did it, Fry!|- Yep.
It was just knowing the secret|of all TV shows.
At the end of the episode, everything|is right back to normal.