Futurama s02e08 Episode Script
2ACV04 - Xmas Story
Xmas Story Ladies and gentlemen,|Conan O'Brien's head! Thank you.
Thank you.
Let's get started.
Max, play me over.
Someone forgot to feed Max! So, people are getting pretty worried|about this Y2K problem, huh? No! They fixed that 900 years ago! Just bear with me.
|I'm walking to work this morning I doubt it! Listen, I may have lost my freakishly|long legs in the War of 2012 but I've still got something|you'll never have: a soul! And freckles! Well, I'm out of material.
You can catch me next week|at the Andromeda Chuckle Hut.
Enjoy your breakfast! Let's face it.
Comedy's a dead art form.
|Now, tragedy? That's funny.
Come on, everyone.
Perhaps skiing will help us forget|the moldy old antics of Conan O'Brien.
- Great idea!|- We can only hope.
This snow is beautiful.
I'm glad global warming|never happened.
Actually, it did.
Thank God,|Nuclear Winter canceled it out.
Enough of your mindless chitchat!|Let's get going! Damn it.
We're stuck! At least you're not cold-blooded.
Sweet lion of Zion,|look at the professor go! Look out for those trees! Yeah, yeah, relax.
Trees down! Trees doWn! Cool.
What if you want the trees up? Trees up! - Trees down.
|- Trees doWn.
Looking good, meatball! Excuse me, sir.
|You're snowboarding off the trail.
Lick my frozen metal ass.
- Mommy!|- Help! You, a bobsledder?|That I'd like to see.
Listen, you filthy crab.
Yep, I remember.
They came in last at the Olympics and|retired to promote alcoholic drinks.
A true inspiration for the children.
A little help, please? Oh, what the hell.
You poor man.
What happened to you? Well, I was on the triple-diamond|slope when suddenly Oh, excuse me.
Hello, there.
Nothing like a warm fire|and a Super Soaker of fine cognac.
Really puts you|in the Christmas spirit.
- What-mas?|- Christmas.
You know, "X-M-A-S.
" You mean Xmas.
You must be using|an archaic pronunciation.
Like when you say "ask"|instead of "ax.
" Xmas, huh? You know, this'll be my first Xmas|away from home.
Let me ax you something.
Would it cheer you up|if we go get an Xmas tree? Yeah! An old-fashioned Xmas tree.
These aren't Xmas trees! They're like a pine tree.
Pine trees have been extinct|for 800 years, Fry.
Gone the way of the poodle|and your primitive notions of modesty.
Ah! Brisk.
This isn't the way Christmas|is supposed to be.
- There, there.
|- Everything's changed.
That's not true.
Oh Xmas tree|Oh Xmas tree Bah boo bee boo bah bee boW Every Christmas, Mom would get a goose|for goose burgers.
Dad would whip up his special eggnog|out of bourbon and ice cubes.
This dumb holiday just makes me think|of all I left behind.
- Let's just stop talking about Xmas.
|- Happy Xmas, Xmas people! Xmas cards have arrived! Xmas! Amy, there you go.
Fry.
Professor.
|Zoidberg.
A mighty haul for Bender.
Yes, I got the most! I win Xmas! And last but not least,|the sweet flower of the office: Me.
Hermes Conrad.
Ah, a picture of my mommy.
Huh? What's this? A card from my cousin Zoidfarb.
Instead of Claus, he writes "Claws.
" Now that's humorous.
Today's comedians|could learn from this card.
What's the point of Xmas when everyone|you know died 1000 years ago? I'm the loneliest person on Earth.
Leela, how about a little sympathy? Yoiks! What was that about? She's an orphan.
Yes.
And the only one of her species|in all the known universe.
What a lonely life.
My God, poor Leela.
Heard you needed cheering up.
|Well, old Bender will make you laugh.
Look at me, look! Man.
I got to work on my act.
I feel like a rat.
I've been whining like a pig|while Leela was lonely as a frog.
- I could kick myself.
|- I'll do it for you.
- Thanks.
|- You should be ashamed of yourself.
You'd have to be blind not to notice|that Leela's a Cyclops.
Fry's over there, man.
Xmas Eve.
Another pointless day|where I accomplish nothing.
The holiday season is a time|of celebration for most.
But it's also a time to remember the|sad suffering of the less fortunate.
Earthlings do not yet knoW|the meaning of suffering.
Earlier today, I visited a shelter|for doWn-and-out robots.
Homeless robots, too poor to afford even the basic alcohol they need|to fuel their circuits.
Is there anything sadder? Only droWning puppies.
And there|Would have to be a lot of them.
Where you going, Bender? To volunteer at a liquor kitchen|for homeless robots.
Right.
As if you ever did|anything charitable.
I'm very generous.
|What about that time I gave blood? - Whose blood?|- Some guy's.
I've got to do something to show Leela|how sorry I am.
So, what's the problem? Simply get down on your claws|and do the apology dance.
So it's left, left, right|Wait! I have a better idea.
I'll go out and get her|the perfect Xmas present.
Something so great|she'll never be unhappy again.
- Just be back by sundown, man.
|- We'll see.
I like to haggle.
You can't stay out on Xmas Eve.
|You'll be killed! - Say what?|- He doesn't know about Santa Claus! I know about Santa Claus.
Back in 2801, the Friendly Robot|Company built a robotic Santa to determine who'd been naughty|and who'd been nice and distribute presents|accordingly.
But something went wrong.
Wow.
2801.
Anyway Wait, you fool! Due to a programming error,|Santa's standards were set too high and he invariably judges everyone|to be naughty.
If he catches you after dark,|he'll chop off your head and stuff your neck full of toys|from his sack of horrors! Nice meeting you.
Welcome, brother.
May the blessings|of the season be upon you.
I'm one of those lazy homeless bums|I've been hearing about.
Can you point me to the free booze? I really like this girl but she thinks|I'm a jerk.
Can you help me? There's a suicide booth|in the Food Court.
Though there's a line|this time of year.
No, I need to get her a gift.
And I need it before sundown.
You can't go wrong|with something traditional.
A surface-to-Santa rocket launcher.
|Comes with 3 jolly-seeking missiles.
- That's funny.
|- Careful, sir.
Oh, yeah.
You filthy hobos sure know|how to live.
Hey, chief? Someone's stealing|your handkerchief full of crap.
Excuse me, sir.
Might I have a sip of booze? I'm sorry, Tinny Tim.
|Seems we ran out early tonight.
I understand.
My God, that poor kid.
You're the last store open.
|I need something for my friend, Leela.
- Just give me your best animal.
|- Best is a matter of opinion.
I personally like the electric snail.
That's a stupid animal.
You're stupid.
|I said I want the best one.
Which costs more,|the parrot or the lizard? The lizards are a buck each.
|The parrot is $500.
That's a hell of a good parrot.
Although, I could get 500 lizards|for the same price.
Girls like swarms of lizards, right? Sir, the store is closing|in 2 minutes.
Okay.
I'll take the 500 lizards.
No, wait.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes! The parrot! I spent every penny I had,|but I bet Leela's going to love you.
You're quite the talker,|aren't you? Shut the hell up! Stupid bird! I know where you live! Hey, it's Leela! Sorry I stormed out before.
|I didn't mean to ruin everyone's Xmas.
You were gone? I get tired of Fry always|only thinking of himself.
I hear that.
I ax him to set the table.
And he goes|out to buy you a present.
Selfish dog.
Wait.
He's still out?|His life's in danger! - Why?|- I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town! All right, bird.
You thought you'd beat me in a game|of wits, but you just met your equal.
Cornered! - Hi, there.
|- Leela? Oh, my God.
You saved my life.
|I am going to get you so many lizards.
You didn't need to buy me a present.
I just wanted to make you happy.
I miss my family,|but you never even had a family.
It's okay.
|You're lonely, and I'm lonely.
But together, we're lonely together.
- Merry Xmas, Leela.
|- Merry Xmas.
Oh, boy! It's Santa! You've been very naughty,|Fry and Leela.
I checked my list.
Well, check it twice.
I perform over 50 mega-checks|per second.
You're both naughty for disregarding|each other's feelings.
But we set things right.
Fry even|risked his life to get me a present.
But what about your other co-workers? Did either of you ever stop to think|about Doctor Zoidberg's feelings? No, I swear! Santa has something very special|in his sack for you.
So lock the door and hit the floor Because Santa Claus comes tonight - Go away.
|- Whoa.
Hold on.
What about the traditional glass|of hard cider? Oh, all right.
But just one glass.
Okay, that's enough.
I said, that's enough! Get her purse! Let us live! We'll put out|cookies for you! You dare bribe Santa? I'll shove coal so far up your|stocking, you'll cough up diamonds! We're trapped.
I never thought it'd end this way,|gunned down by Santa Claus.
Honestly, I didn't see it coming.
- Goodbye, Fry.
|- Goodbye, Leela.
Hey, look.
We're under the mistletoe.
Your mistletoe is no match|for my T.
O.
W.
missile.
Your present may need some assembly.
On the fourth day of Xmas|I stole from that lady Four family photos Three jars of pennies TWo former husbands And a slipper on a shoe tree Oh, thank you! - Help!|- Somebody help us! It's humans!|Shall we mug them, robot, sir? No, wait.
I know these guys.
|They got nothing! You've been very naughty, Bender! I didn't do nothing.
|You're thinking of the kid.
My God, Bender.
Framing an orphan? That's so naughty I'll have to add it|to my list right now.
Framing I N G Amy, this is for you.
A set of combs|for your beautiful hair.
Oh, that's so sweet.
But I sold my hair to a wigmaker|to buy a set of combs for Hermes.
Oh, the irony.
I sold my hair so I could buy|this third set of combs for Zoidberg.
Thank you.
These'll come in handy|for my new hair.
Finally I look as pretty as I feel.
Help! Oh, dear, they'll be killed|on our doorstep.
And there's no trash pickup|till January 3rd.
Sweet manatee of Galilee!|He's on the roof! Quick! The armor-plated chimney cover! Push! Push! Use teamwork! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! You've all been very naughty.
|Very naughty, indeed.
Except you, Doctor Zoidberg.
- This is for you.
|- A pogo stick.
As for the rest of you, I'll tear off|your skin like wrapping paper and deck the halls with your guts.
Yeah? Well, I don't believe|in Santa Claus.
Come on, everybody.
If you don't|believe in him, he can't hurt you.
Oh, God, the pain! Time to get jolly|on your naughty asses.
Watch out, his belly's shaking|like a bowl full of nitroglycerine.
- Rudolph's nose!|- He's going to blow! Good thing I got us out of that one.
Xmas dinner, everyone.
Bender, where did you get that bird? I found it lying in the street,|like all the food I cook.
Dig in, everyone! - Thank you, sir.
|- You got the toenail.
Look, the food isn't what's important.
I'm so hungry.
The important thing is,|we're all together for Xmas.
And even though I'm surrounded by|robots and monsters and old people l've never felt more at home.
Hear, hear! Now, let's all of us|shut up and sing! He knoWs When you are sleeping He knoWs When you're on the can He'll hunt you doWn and blast your ass|From here to Pakistan You'd better not breathe|You'd better not move You're better off dead|I'm telling you, dude Santa Claus is gunning you doWn Merry Xmas, everyone! I'll be back.
|Back when you least expect it.
Next Xmas!
Thank you.
Let's get started.
Max, play me over.
Someone forgot to feed Max! So, people are getting pretty worried|about this Y2K problem, huh? No! They fixed that 900 years ago! Just bear with me.
|I'm walking to work this morning I doubt it! Listen, I may have lost my freakishly|long legs in the War of 2012 but I've still got something|you'll never have: a soul! And freckles! Well, I'm out of material.
You can catch me next week|at the Andromeda Chuckle Hut.
Enjoy your breakfast! Let's face it.
Comedy's a dead art form.
|Now, tragedy? That's funny.
Come on, everyone.
Perhaps skiing will help us forget|the moldy old antics of Conan O'Brien.
- Great idea!|- We can only hope.
This snow is beautiful.
I'm glad global warming|never happened.
Actually, it did.
Thank God,|Nuclear Winter canceled it out.
Enough of your mindless chitchat!|Let's get going! Damn it.
We're stuck! At least you're not cold-blooded.
Sweet lion of Zion,|look at the professor go! Look out for those trees! Yeah, yeah, relax.
Trees down! Trees doWn! Cool.
What if you want the trees up? Trees up! - Trees down.
|- Trees doWn.
Looking good, meatball! Excuse me, sir.
|You're snowboarding off the trail.
Lick my frozen metal ass.
- Mommy!|- Help! You, a bobsledder?|That I'd like to see.
Listen, you filthy crab.
Yep, I remember.
They came in last at the Olympics and|retired to promote alcoholic drinks.
A true inspiration for the children.
A little help, please? Oh, what the hell.
You poor man.
What happened to you? Well, I was on the triple-diamond|slope when suddenly Oh, excuse me.
Hello, there.
Nothing like a warm fire|and a Super Soaker of fine cognac.
Really puts you|in the Christmas spirit.
- What-mas?|- Christmas.
You know, "X-M-A-S.
" You mean Xmas.
You must be using|an archaic pronunciation.
Like when you say "ask"|instead of "ax.
" Xmas, huh? You know, this'll be my first Xmas|away from home.
Let me ax you something.
Would it cheer you up|if we go get an Xmas tree? Yeah! An old-fashioned Xmas tree.
These aren't Xmas trees! They're like a pine tree.
Pine trees have been extinct|for 800 years, Fry.
Gone the way of the poodle|and your primitive notions of modesty.
Ah! Brisk.
This isn't the way Christmas|is supposed to be.
- There, there.
|- Everything's changed.
That's not true.
Oh Xmas tree|Oh Xmas tree Bah boo bee boo bah bee boW Every Christmas, Mom would get a goose|for goose burgers.
Dad would whip up his special eggnog|out of bourbon and ice cubes.
This dumb holiday just makes me think|of all I left behind.
- Let's just stop talking about Xmas.
|- Happy Xmas, Xmas people! Xmas cards have arrived! Xmas! Amy, there you go.
Fry.
Professor.
|Zoidberg.
A mighty haul for Bender.
Yes, I got the most! I win Xmas! And last but not least,|the sweet flower of the office: Me.
Hermes Conrad.
Ah, a picture of my mommy.
Huh? What's this? A card from my cousin Zoidfarb.
Instead of Claus, he writes "Claws.
" Now that's humorous.
Today's comedians|could learn from this card.
What's the point of Xmas when everyone|you know died 1000 years ago? I'm the loneliest person on Earth.
Leela, how about a little sympathy? Yoiks! What was that about? She's an orphan.
Yes.
And the only one of her species|in all the known universe.
What a lonely life.
My God, poor Leela.
Heard you needed cheering up.
|Well, old Bender will make you laugh.
Look at me, look! Man.
I got to work on my act.
I feel like a rat.
I've been whining like a pig|while Leela was lonely as a frog.
- I could kick myself.
|- I'll do it for you.
- Thanks.
|- You should be ashamed of yourself.
You'd have to be blind not to notice|that Leela's a Cyclops.
Fry's over there, man.
Xmas Eve.
Another pointless day|where I accomplish nothing.
The holiday season is a time|of celebration for most.
But it's also a time to remember the|sad suffering of the less fortunate.
Earthlings do not yet knoW|the meaning of suffering.
Earlier today, I visited a shelter|for doWn-and-out robots.
Homeless robots, too poor to afford even the basic alcohol they need|to fuel their circuits.
Is there anything sadder? Only droWning puppies.
And there|Would have to be a lot of them.
Where you going, Bender? To volunteer at a liquor kitchen|for homeless robots.
Right.
As if you ever did|anything charitable.
I'm very generous.
|What about that time I gave blood? - Whose blood?|- Some guy's.
I've got to do something to show Leela|how sorry I am.
So, what's the problem? Simply get down on your claws|and do the apology dance.
So it's left, left, right|Wait! I have a better idea.
I'll go out and get her|the perfect Xmas present.
Something so great|she'll never be unhappy again.
- Just be back by sundown, man.
|- We'll see.
I like to haggle.
You can't stay out on Xmas Eve.
|You'll be killed! - Say what?|- He doesn't know about Santa Claus! I know about Santa Claus.
Back in 2801, the Friendly Robot|Company built a robotic Santa to determine who'd been naughty|and who'd been nice and distribute presents|accordingly.
But something went wrong.
Wow.
2801.
Anyway Wait, you fool! Due to a programming error,|Santa's standards were set too high and he invariably judges everyone|to be naughty.
If he catches you after dark,|he'll chop off your head and stuff your neck full of toys|from his sack of horrors! Nice meeting you.
Welcome, brother.
May the blessings|of the season be upon you.
I'm one of those lazy homeless bums|I've been hearing about.
Can you point me to the free booze? I really like this girl but she thinks|I'm a jerk.
Can you help me? There's a suicide booth|in the Food Court.
Though there's a line|this time of year.
No, I need to get her a gift.
And I need it before sundown.
You can't go wrong|with something traditional.
A surface-to-Santa rocket launcher.
|Comes with 3 jolly-seeking missiles.
- That's funny.
|- Careful, sir.
Oh, yeah.
You filthy hobos sure know|how to live.
Hey, chief? Someone's stealing|your handkerchief full of crap.
Excuse me, sir.
Might I have a sip of booze? I'm sorry, Tinny Tim.
|Seems we ran out early tonight.
I understand.
My God, that poor kid.
You're the last store open.
|I need something for my friend, Leela.
- Just give me your best animal.
|- Best is a matter of opinion.
I personally like the electric snail.
That's a stupid animal.
You're stupid.
|I said I want the best one.
Which costs more,|the parrot or the lizard? The lizards are a buck each.
|The parrot is $500.
That's a hell of a good parrot.
Although, I could get 500 lizards|for the same price.
Girls like swarms of lizards, right? Sir, the store is closing|in 2 minutes.
Okay.
I'll take the 500 lizards.
No, wait.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes! The parrot! I spent every penny I had,|but I bet Leela's going to love you.
You're quite the talker,|aren't you? Shut the hell up! Stupid bird! I know where you live! Hey, it's Leela! Sorry I stormed out before.
|I didn't mean to ruin everyone's Xmas.
You were gone? I get tired of Fry always|only thinking of himself.
I hear that.
I ax him to set the table.
And he goes|out to buy you a present.
Selfish dog.
Wait.
He's still out?|His life's in danger! - Why?|- I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town! All right, bird.
You thought you'd beat me in a game|of wits, but you just met your equal.
Cornered! - Hi, there.
|- Leela? Oh, my God.
You saved my life.
|I am going to get you so many lizards.
You didn't need to buy me a present.
I just wanted to make you happy.
I miss my family,|but you never even had a family.
It's okay.
|You're lonely, and I'm lonely.
But together, we're lonely together.
- Merry Xmas, Leela.
|- Merry Xmas.
Oh, boy! It's Santa! You've been very naughty,|Fry and Leela.
I checked my list.
Well, check it twice.
I perform over 50 mega-checks|per second.
You're both naughty for disregarding|each other's feelings.
But we set things right.
Fry even|risked his life to get me a present.
But what about your other co-workers? Did either of you ever stop to think|about Doctor Zoidberg's feelings? No, I swear! Santa has something very special|in his sack for you.
So lock the door and hit the floor Because Santa Claus comes tonight - Go away.
|- Whoa.
Hold on.
What about the traditional glass|of hard cider? Oh, all right.
But just one glass.
Okay, that's enough.
I said, that's enough! Get her purse! Let us live! We'll put out|cookies for you! You dare bribe Santa? I'll shove coal so far up your|stocking, you'll cough up diamonds! We're trapped.
I never thought it'd end this way,|gunned down by Santa Claus.
Honestly, I didn't see it coming.
- Goodbye, Fry.
|- Goodbye, Leela.
Hey, look.
We're under the mistletoe.
Your mistletoe is no match|for my T.
O.
W.
missile.
Your present may need some assembly.
On the fourth day of Xmas|I stole from that lady Four family photos Three jars of pennies TWo former husbands And a slipper on a shoe tree Oh, thank you! - Help!|- Somebody help us! It's humans!|Shall we mug them, robot, sir? No, wait.
I know these guys.
|They got nothing! You've been very naughty, Bender! I didn't do nothing.
|You're thinking of the kid.
My God, Bender.
Framing an orphan? That's so naughty I'll have to add it|to my list right now.
Framing I N G Amy, this is for you.
A set of combs|for your beautiful hair.
Oh, that's so sweet.
But I sold my hair to a wigmaker|to buy a set of combs for Hermes.
Oh, the irony.
I sold my hair so I could buy|this third set of combs for Zoidberg.
Thank you.
These'll come in handy|for my new hair.
Finally I look as pretty as I feel.
Help! Oh, dear, they'll be killed|on our doorstep.
And there's no trash pickup|till January 3rd.
Sweet manatee of Galilee!|He's on the roof! Quick! The armor-plated chimney cover! Push! Push! Use teamwork! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! You've all been very naughty.
|Very naughty, indeed.
Except you, Doctor Zoidberg.
- This is for you.
|- A pogo stick.
As for the rest of you, I'll tear off|your skin like wrapping paper and deck the halls with your guts.
Yeah? Well, I don't believe|in Santa Claus.
Come on, everybody.
If you don't|believe in him, he can't hurt you.
Oh, God, the pain! Time to get jolly|on your naughty asses.
Watch out, his belly's shaking|like a bowl full of nitroglycerine.
- Rudolph's nose!|- He's going to blow! Good thing I got us out of that one.
Xmas dinner, everyone.
Bender, where did you get that bird? I found it lying in the street,|like all the food I cook.
Dig in, everyone! - Thank you, sir.
|- You got the toenail.
Look, the food isn't what's important.
I'm so hungry.
The important thing is,|we're all together for Xmas.
And even though I'm surrounded by|robots and monsters and old people l've never felt more at home.
Hear, hear! Now, let's all of us|shut up and sing! He knoWs When you are sleeping He knoWs When you're on the can He'll hunt you doWn and blast your ass|From here to Pakistan You'd better not breathe|You'd better not move You're better off dead|I'm telling you, dude Santa Claus is gunning you doWn Merry Xmas, everyone! I'll be back.
|Back when you least expect it.
Next Xmas!