Futurama s02e14 Episode Script

How Hermes Requisitioned|His Groove Back Finally, the last form of the day.
Welcome to stampy town,|population five.
And now for the finishing touch.
The cycle of bureaucracy.
Sweet gorilla of Manila!|A letter from Central Bureaucracy! Attention: You are about to receive|a letter from Central Bureaucracy.
It's from Central Bureaucracy! I'm playing poker with friends|from my old job.
Interested? I only gamble with chumps.
- I'll play.
|- I'm in! Leela.
Fry.
Robot.
No matter what, I'm available.
We're playing poker.
|But my friends are serious.
Bah! Big shots.
I say let the dice|do the talking.
- Is someone fired?|- Better.
Central Bureaucracy|is inspecting tomorrow.
I'll finally be promoted to grade 35,|the 35th highest grade there is.
Hermes, we're having a poker party.
|Whip off some of your jerk dip.
I spent all day cleaning my office.
I got to relax the Jamaican way:|warm milk and a good night's sleep.
Jamaican? I thought you were|an outer space potato man.
That must be my old boss.
- Hi, Leela.
You're fired.
|- I know.
Sorry, but you're over a year|late for work.
Let the games begin! So I said, "Your request for a date|is flattering, but I decline.
" Office romances never work out.
That's how I met my horrible wife.
You never wore your ring.
|I didn't know.
She doesn't know I work.
|I keep my personal life separate.
Deal! You'll have time to talk|when you're poor.
- What's with those?|- My lucky shades.
I got them off a lucky guy while his|lucky seeing-eye dog was whizzing.
Hey! I can't spell anything|with these cards.
Finally, I have a good claw! Three females, a number and a king|giving himself brain surgery.
It won't matter how many you got.
|Bender's hot.
Uh, what can I say?|Must be my lucky shades.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Crap.
Crap.
Garbage.
Read them and leak saltwater.
- Oh, man.
|- My baby's milk money! What will I tell my horrible wife? I'd be more worried about the tapeworm|going to town on your intestines.
Let me see those glasses! Oh, my various gods! X-ray specs! I swear those are prescription.
|I need them for reading stuff.
- Behind other stuff.
|- Cheater! Break his neck! No! Don't hurt him!|He's my best friend Hey, you wouldn't hit a guy|with x-ray glasses, would ya? Easy on the arm.
Oh! Oh, my ass! Great cow of Moscow! Uh, it was ghosts! Big ones!|And a tornado! I'll never pass inspection now! They'll bust me lower than a limbo|stick at carnival time! And that's as low as limbo sticks get.
Don't worry.
We'll watch you clean.
It's too late.
The inspector'll|be here in exactly one second.
- Who are you?|- Morgan Proctor, grade 19.
Hermes Conrad, grade 36.
- Enough banter.
Shall we begin?|- This way, please.
Jeez, you seem awfully calm.
Don't worry.
I have a plan.
I'm going to jump! - No!|- No! Do a flip! Don't do it!|You have so much to live for! Reverse psychology? Old friend, don't jump! Use a method|that won't damage your liver.
Others need it, you know? Husband, no! Out of my way! I'm not cut out|to be a bureaucrat! I'm only anal 78.
36%% % of the time.
I'm not worthy to stamp a form,|so I'll stamp the cement with my body! If you complete your death transaction|without filing a suicide and/or falling permit,|you'll be demoted.
Life.
Death.
Either way I'm demoted|to a tiny cubicle.
Sweet something of Of someplace.
I relieve you of duty.
|Consider yourself on paid vacation.
Oh! The ultimate penalty.
I recommend the health cure on Spa 5,|the Sauna planet.
Here, read.
Spa 5? Is it good? Wonderful.
I don't know|anything about it they give me krill|for everyone I send.
I have to assign|a bureaucrat to fill in.
I assign me.
I accept.
Welcome.
It's settled.
Hermes will relax|and Zoidberg will eat.
Last Monday, why did it take|twice as long as scheduled? - Fry got his head stuck in a crater.
|- I thought it'd fit.
- During this, what were you doing?|- Drinking contest with the autopilot.
- I'd have won but I ran out of olives.
|- I can explain.
You can explain how you left|without enough olives? I think not.
- Is this high school?|- Locker check! Why isn't this alphabetical? - What?|- The zipper should be at the bottom.
Uh, sometimes a guy gets lonely.
Oh, l I've never seen|anything like this! - Why's there yogurt in this?|- I can explain.
It used to be milk, and time|makes fools of us all.
You're dismissed!|Fry, I'll speak to you alone.
This is the other Fry's locker.
|I'm "Phry.
" Admit it, Fry.
You're a slob.
A dirty, filthy slob.
Dirty boy! Dirty, dirty, dirty! What's going on?|I thought you were anti-dirty! I'm surrounded by neat all day.
Nothing's kinkier than a slop-jock.
Oh, stop.
Listen, you pig.
No one can know.
|If anyone asks, I'll deny it.
Like every girl I dated.
And two, and three, and four.
|Come on, work those arms! This is no spa, it's a labor camp.
If I get out, Zoidberg will see|the business end of a shrimp fork! Give him one for me, mate.
|Don't know why I go to him.
I don't miss twice, campers.
For those six reasons l'm demoting Leela to copilot.
|- Under who? - The autopilot.
|- That drunk? Bender, you're in charge|of the professor's bodily functions.
It's full-time.
Fry, I'm promoting you|to executive delivery boy.
You won't deliver.
|You'll get an office next to me.
All right! Would you high-five him so we can|continue this meeting? And on the rebound? Adjourned.
I don't know why she's nice to you.
She's a hateful monster.
|She scolded and hit me.
She's risking my friendship with her.
What happened to you? I walked the professor.
|We were in the park and a lady says I stole her purse.
I threw the professor at her.
|I had to hit her with a purse I found.
It's Morgan's fault.
|That pencil-pushing scaz-wag.
If she were here, I'd - Uh-oh, is she behind me?|- No.
I'm in front of you.
Morgan? It's 3 a.
m.
A skunk knocked over my garbage,|and I could only think of you.
My God, it's so repulsive.
So, this is where you eat? Eat and sleep.
Oh, Fry! Bender's my roommate.
|He could be back.
I ordered him to flush out|the professor's earwax.
Hey, Fry? I made you|a candle with What the? Oh, now I see.
Now I get it.
|Now the pieces are falling into place.
The promotion, the dwarf in my|book club who steals my opinions.
It's coming together! I must say this opens my eyes! Another case closed, my dear Watson.
Come back! It's a loop! For I was blind, but now I see.
The cat's out of the bag! About last night,|that was just a misunderstanding.
You didn't understand? I'll explain.
|You were having sex with you.
No.
A bureaucrat of my rank|can't fraternize.
That's what makes it so juicy.
|It's the forbidden fruit angle.
"Guess who saw|Fry and Morgan doing it.
" They'll say, "Who, Bender?" And I'll say,|"It was lovable old Bender" What'd you do? Downloaded his brain.
Bender is here: His memories,|his in-your-face interface.
I am Bender.
Please insert girder.
But But Bender need brain.
|For smart making! Stop doing things! I sent it to be filed at Central.
I had to.
He was a bad robot.
He was a bad friend.
|I want him back! You should've filed a request|20 years ago.
I'm sick of you and your bureaucracy! Dirty boy! Dirty boy You were having an affair? She loved me because I'm a slob.
I loved her because I'm desperate.
I am Bender.
Please insert girder.
Without his brain,|he's quiet and helpful.
We have to go to Central|and get the disk! - Oh, yes.
We must!|- Yeah! Why? Well, that aside, we're going.
You can't waltz into Central.
It's a tangled web of red tape|and regulations.
I haven't been.
A friend went mad|trying to find their washroom.
Then we'll need a guide.
Oh, I've been there! Lots of times.
Carts go out full but come in empty.
It's inefficient! Pulling empty carts|is the closest we get to sleep.
They'd increase efficiency if empty carts|brought in machinery.
Hey, I like the way you think.
Oh, Lord.
You know, you ought|to be a bureaucrat.
- Will this take long?|- Getting my birth certificate.
It doesn't look like I'll make|it inside.
Good luck.
Just leave me where I drop.
Someone had a baby.
Come on, I have a better idea.
We're from the delivery company.
|We're here to deliver a robot.
I am Bender.
Please insert girder.
Looks like we've got|a new office cutup.
Ooh, ooh! Look out, look out! I'm gonna crash!|I swerved to avoid you.
Could you tell us where|the canisters go? Central filing.
- Okay.
Thank you.
|- Wonderful.
No! Of course I know where it is.
|I'm grade 20.
- Where?|- I can't tell.
- What do I look like, a grade 16?|- We're getting nowhere slowly.
I'll address this to the filing room.
We'll track it with my lojack-a-mater.
Cold.
Warmer.
Hot, hot, hot, hot Don't tell my boss I was asleep.
This is it! We'll run in, grab|Bender's disk and run out.
Got it? We'll never find it.
I am Bender.
Please insert girder.
You're right!|Nothing's over if there's hope.
Lost something?|I should have known you'd come here.
And I did.
That's why I came.
We're through! You're evil.
|I never want to see you again! Help us for old times' sake? He's lost in the master "in" pile.
It would take an atomic-powered|sorter to find him.
You rang? Damn it, jump already!|Stop hogging the healthy liver! I want to live! Organizing the labor spa rekindled|my love of bureaucracy.
My Hermes got that hellhole running|so that all the physical labor is done by a single|Australian man.
- How'd you find us?|- Dr.
Zoidberg.
It was me! I'm the hero! Request for explanation|of incident meeting.
Number 1.
0! Number 1.
0, I petition you|for an emergency sort under regulation two Don't quote me regulations! I was on a committee to review the color of the book|that regulation's in.
We kept it gray.
I must find the disk|with my friend's brain on it.
Very well, but your license|will be revoked if you fail to sort the master "in" pile|by closing.
- 1 p.
m.
|- That's only four minutes from now.
Requisition me a beat.
I Was born, there Was a hurricane|We had a foot and a half of Water I cried all night|BleW my alphabet blocks out of order This boy's born to be a bureaucrat|Born to be obsessive and snotty I made my relations file applications|To get into my birthday party - Something changed When he turned pro|- Sorting but Wasn't smiling - He forgot it's not about rank|- It's about the filing, people We didn't choose to be bureaucrats|That's What almighty Jah made us Treat people like sWine, make them|Stand in line, even if nobody paid us The World looks doWn on bureaucrats|We're anal, compulsive and Weird Push comes to shove, do What you love|Even if it's not a good idea - Said I shouldn't be a surgeon|- Poo-pooed my electric frankfurter Said I shouldn't fly With one eye I am Bender please insert girder Everybody sing Jamaica Just the bureaucrats Just the grade 19s - Jamaica|- Sing me home Push comes to shove, do What you love|Even if it's not a good idea I'm Bender, baby!|Please insert liquor! - Yeah!|- Congratulations! You finished with two seconds|to spare, so I'm demoting you.
Good bureaucrats never finish early.
That's okay.
At least you're back.
Not yet.
I'm acting bureaucrat|of Planet Express.
I have some changes to make.
|Fry, you're fired.
- Second|- Hold on! While I was sorting, I found a|document filed by Morgan Proctor.
Form B.
Notification|of Romantic Entanglement.
She fraternized me! It's not about you.
|It refers to my prom date.
A date that ended in disappointment.
Yes.
But you only stamped|it four times! No! No! I was young and reckless! You are technically correct.
|The best kind of correct.
I hereby promote you|to grade 37.
And as for you? Guards! Bring me the forms I need to sign|to have her taken away.
It looks like I need|my heroic bureaucrat back.
At severely reduced pay, of course.
- Yeah!|- Better than nothing.
Can I get reduced pay too? You got it! In fact, severely|reduced pay all around.
Come on, wife! Let's blow this joint! Now it's time for my song! When I Was 2|There Was a tidal Wave in AW