Futurama s03e11 Episode Script
3ACV09 - The Cyber House Rules
Cyber House Rules I gave the cookies you made|to the kids.
They couldn't believe it.
They Were delicious.
But, I digress.
Tremble, puny earthlings!|One day my race Will destroy you all! Can one of you guys get that? It's a doorbell baby!|Hello, little guy.
- I was abandoned as a baby too.
So-|- Garbage, huh? I'll take care of it.
- Bender, stop! It's a baby!|- A baby what? Ow.
It's just a card from|the orphanarium I grew up in.
Leela, you're invited to a reunion at Cookieville|Minimum-Security Orphanarium! Please stand clear|of self-destructing basket.
A reunion at your old|orphanarium? You gonna go? No way, Jose-bot.
I never want|to see those orphans again.
Not after the way|they used to pick on me.
One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! Nice depth perception, One-eye.
How can you make fun of me?|You're blind.
My eyes may not work,|but at least I got two of them.
That's terrible, Leela.
Imagine the look on their faces|when we eat all the hors d'oeuvres.
Well, I wouldn't mind rubbing|my success in a few faces.
Set a course for adventure! Ew.
|What a dump! Just like old times.
Gosh, the bars on the windows|seemed so much thicker back then.
- Ahem.
|- Mr.
Vogel, remember me? Leela, you're worthless,|and no one will ever love you! - You used to say that all the time.
|- Oh, those were happier days.
Mm.
The gristle in a blanket|isn't half bad.
Try the Popsicle sticks.
|They've absorbed a lot of flavor.
Hey, look, it's our old group picture.
- I don't see you anywhere.
|- That's me over in Cootietown.
Get a load of this|average-looking guy.
That's Adlai Atkins.
I used|to have kind of a crush on him.
- One-eye! One-eye!|- Stupid as a French guy! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye!|One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! Well, it's time to say hello|to the old gang.
So, what you been up to|since you left? - Living in a box.
You?|- Selling kidneys, teeth, whatever.
And what am I up to, you ask? Why,|I'm a very successful space captain.
Oh.
- Wow.
|- How nice for you, Leela.
That's so good for a person|with one eye.
Hey, you can't feel sorry for me.
I'm a space captain,|and you're a bunch of losers.
Right, right.
We're the losers.
Well, if it isn't old One-eye.
- Oh, yeah? Well, shut up, cane-boy!|- He can't hear you.
He's deaf now.
Leave her alone.
|She's leading a normal life.
She's not gussied up,|duded out or where it's at.
Now, run along.
Thanks, Adlai.
I guess you never|outgrow being an eyeball.
Oddball.
Nonsense.
You're a captain.
|That's a fine profession.
Well, it's just for a package|delivery service.
A package is just a box|until it's delivered.
Huh, I'd never thought of it that way.
|What do you do? - I'm a doctor.
|- A tall doctor, you say? Sir, you seem stable.
- Have you thought about adopting?|- No.
It's a great way to have|a kid without sex.
Really? The government will help|with $100 a week.
A hundred dollars a week? I'm so sorry I teased you.
|Let me make it up.
- I'll fix it so no one teases you.
|- By beating them up? I broke that blind kid's nose,|and it made no difference.
No, I specialize|in phaser eye surgery.
I can build you a paraffin eye|and graft it on.
It won't be able to see, but you'll|look like a normal two-eyed person.
Me? Perfectly normal? Hm.
Mm.
Yay! Sons, daughters, meet Uncle Fry.
Why are they with you?|Do you have candy? No.
It's called parenting.
Come on, dumplings, we've got|12 government stipends to collect.
Yay!|Our daddy's a giant toy! Phaser eye surgery is a capital idea.
I'm sure Leela's tired of morons|gaping at her eye all the time.
Ah Cosmetic surgery's great.
|I used to be too cute so I had cuteness reduction|surgery here and here.
You're crazy! Leela doesn't|need surgery.
You look great now.
Oh, that's so sweet, Fry.
But for|once, I just want to look normal.
You're better, you're abnormal!|You shouldn't care what people think.
I'll start by not caring|what you think.
I'm getting the surgery.
- Thattagirl!|- Wonderful! You can also get an ink pouch|to help you escape your enemies.
That's the stupidest idea|I've ever heard, you imbecile! Now we'll find out if the operation|was a success.
Hold on to your hats.
Oh, I'm sorry.
|This is the wrong patient.
Oops.
- Those eyes look so great on you!|- She looked fine before.
- No.
|- Wrong.
Wow, look at me! - I don't have the hang of blinking.
|- You will.
I try not to blink too much, because|it's flashy.
But when I do, I enjoy it.
I did it! I blunk! Just in time|to screw up this picture! Hooray! - Ow.
|- Ow.
I've never felt so unremarkable! Today|I actually blended in with a crowd! - Kids, meet the jerk-bags I work with.
|- Hello, jerk-bags! - They're so cute! What are their names?|- Kids have names? - My name's Nina, and his name's Albert.
|- Now you're all named Bender Jr.
! Look! My first government|stipend check.
Twelve baby humans, 1200 wing-wangs.
Daddy Bender, we're hungry.
What is it with you kids?|Every other day, it's food, food, food! Oh, fine.
I'll get you|some stupid food.
- Can we have Bender burgers?|- The cat shelter's onto me.
Hello, Leela.
I was getting one of my shirts toned|down, so I dropped in for your exam.
- That's handsome of you.
|- Follow the light with your eyes.
Perfect.
A guy could fall|head over heels for you.
- I'm interested myself.
|- What are you saying? I'm not good with words,|so I'm in a delicate conundrum.
- Will you go out with me?|- Sure.
I don't know what else to say, so I'll|just say it.
Okey-dokey, see you then.
This is so unfair.
|I liked you as a cyclops.
- He's only interested in your eyes.
|- You're just jealous.
No, I'm not! Wait, I am!|But my point remains valid! I want to try dating a man,|who if you go somewhere with him no one says he's crummy.
|I deserve that once in life.
Be careful with that Adlai.
|He's a doctor.
They're poor.
- Most doctors are rich.
|- When did this happen? You're joking, right?|That's not funny! They got everything you need: Booze, peanuts, they got|a crapper in the back - That's something you do, right?|- Yeah.
Then knock yourself out.
Only eat and drink enough|to keep yourselves alive! I'm trying to make a profit here.
- Daddy, Bethany's hitting me!|Here.
- These kids yours?|- Yeah.
- I like a man with responsibility.
|- That's me, baby.
Let me ditch the kids in an alley,|and we can go have some fun.
- Daddy Bender?|- Daddy's trying to score with a cheap floozy right now,|so cram a Tinkertoy in it.
I love you, Daddy Bender.
- What the hell? Quit hugging me!|- I guess you're busy.
Catch you later.
You morons! I've got half a mind to hug each and every one of you,|and see how you like it! Yay! Come on.
I'll take you someplace|no one could object to.
That sounds wonderful.
I'd like an extra-beautiful bouquet|for my extra-gorgeous sweetheart.
Average, please.
Adlai, I've had|a wonderful time today.
No one's stared at me or avoided|staring or tried to burn me.
You make me feel so not weird.
Leela, you're 999,999 in a million.
Thanks for coming to get|to know Adlai.
Isn't he dreamy? Totally.
Listen, I want you all to know|your Leela's one standard lady.
Oh, Adlai, stop.
What's wonderful about Leela|being normal? We aren't.
That's what makes us great.
|Like Dr.
Zoidberg.
- He's a weird monster who eats garbage.
|- Damn right.
And the professor's a senile,|amoral crackpot! Oh, ee-yay.
Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.
|- Tally me banana.
Amy's a klutz from Mars.
|- Oops.
- And you've got that brain thing.
|- I already did! Leela, do you want|to be like us or like Adlai with no severe mental|or social problems whatsoever? That's the dumbest question ever.
- She's right.
|- Daylight come.
- Coming through.
Watch your head.
|- Help, I'm under attack! Remember your manners.
Forks in|the left pocket, spoons in the right.
Which one of you cutie muffins|gets the spicy squab? Me.
- What do we say when you get something?|- About time! That's my boy! And here's your check.
Bam! I gotta go poopy! You should've gone before|it was time to run.
Go! Through the kitchen! You little crooks! If I catch you,|I'm gonna make cutie-muffin gumbo! Seeing that robot force|children to do his bidding - makes me think about kids.
|- Us? Me? You? Kids? It's time to stop living this|vida bachelor loca and have kids.
Oh, Adlai.
This is the most|beautiful moment of my life.
Daddy, I want a piggyback ride! Daddy's tired.
Let's just have|another dog pile on Fry.
- Tell us a story, Daddy Bender!|- Story! - All right, fine.
Gather around.
|- Yeah! Story! We want to hear this one again.
Ahem.
"Bender's Arrest Record,|by the police.
On March 3, at 2 p.
m.
,|Bender was caught shoplifting.
" Yeah, show us the picture.
There he is! It's 9:00, you know what that means.
Daddy's sick of looking|at you, so go to bed.
Aw.
The grownups have to talk.
|Come on, Ma.
Now to figure out how much money|I'm raking in off those kids.
- I need a calculator.
|- You are one.
I mean a good calculator.
Minus the|food, the bunny-rabbit wallpaper I get 100 bucks a kid,|and they're costing 110! - There goes my cabinets.
|- I won't go to another PTA meeting! The kids have got to go! - Daddy, how do I flush you?|- Just go to bed! Doing this jigsaw puzzle|of a pacifier factory makes me want children even more.
I was thinking.
Since we're orphans,|maybe we should adopt a child.
Adoption? Yes, that's acceptable.
It's more than acceptable.
|It's adequately satisfactory.
Imperial Dragon restaurant? I've got|a herd of you-know-whats for sale.
Let me check.
Oh, aren't you a cutie.
About 35 pounds.
What? Bender, we'd like to adopt a child.
This is the place because Bender's Orphanarium|means discount orphans.
What do I have to do to send you|home with 12 orphans? - I'm afraid we only want one.
|- I'll show you what I got in stock.
I remember this.
They trot you out, and parents|judge you like a piece of meat.
- I'm Albert.
|- Kind of fatty.
Then how about this little number?|Purebred human.
No vampire in there.
- Uh, um|- Um, uh If you're strapped for cash,|consider this unit.
Cursed with a third ear but full of|an emotion I understand is called love.
One time, I did 100 jump ropes.
Oh, I can't decide.
|We have to think about it.
Grownups gotta talk now.
|Time for bed.
- But it's 10 a.
m.
|- I said hit the hay! Okay, okay.
Oh, they're all so adorable.
|- Yeah.
It's times like this I can|hardly bear to let them go.
Good night, you princes of Maine,|you kings of New New England.
You're under arrest|for child cruelty, endangerment selling children as food|and faking the weight of livestock.
If you had kids of your own,|you'd understand! Would it be all right|if we adopted a kid? Might as well.
They're gonna|rot in the evidence locker.
Nice ear! Hey, freaky ears! - I've made up my mind.
Let's adopt her.
|- But there's plenty of normal ones.
Come on, she could|really use a mom and dad.
Ear-face, Ear-face|Sally Won the ugly race They have a point.
|She has an ear on her face.
So what? She may be different,|but she still deserves a good home.
If you want her, I'll give her|an operation to make her acceptable.
She doesn't need an operation.
|She's fine this way.
- And you were fine the way you were?|- Damn right I was! Yay! Shut up, Fry! Look, Adlai,|I'm proud to be different.
I wish I'd realized that|when I was her age.
I also have a tail.
Take me to the hospital|and put my eye back.
Now.
Why should I do that? By the end of the day,|one of us is gonna have one eye.
In recognition of Bender's|generous gift of 12 orphans and a check for 1200 wing-wangs I hereby rename this building|the Bender B.
Rodriguez Orphanarium! It's good to have|the weird-looking Leela back.
You're a true friend.
I guess there's|nothing wrong with being weird.
Leela, there's nothing|wrong with anything.
We'll miss you.
We know robots don't have emotions,|but we drawed you this picture.
So if you ever miss us, even just|a teeny bit, you can look at it.
Hey, I smoke a cigar,|not a candy cane.
Aw Yay! Hey, what the-? Get away! Come on! I just got|all the gum off of there! I hate you! I hate you all!
They couldn't believe it.
They Were delicious.
But, I digress.
Tremble, puny earthlings!|One day my race Will destroy you all! Can one of you guys get that? It's a doorbell baby!|Hello, little guy.
- I was abandoned as a baby too.
So-|- Garbage, huh? I'll take care of it.
- Bender, stop! It's a baby!|- A baby what? Ow.
It's just a card from|the orphanarium I grew up in.
Leela, you're invited to a reunion at Cookieville|Minimum-Security Orphanarium! Please stand clear|of self-destructing basket.
A reunion at your old|orphanarium? You gonna go? No way, Jose-bot.
I never want|to see those orphans again.
Not after the way|they used to pick on me.
One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! Nice depth perception, One-eye.
How can you make fun of me?|You're blind.
My eyes may not work,|but at least I got two of them.
That's terrible, Leela.
Imagine the look on their faces|when we eat all the hors d'oeuvres.
Well, I wouldn't mind rubbing|my success in a few faces.
Set a course for adventure! Ew.
|What a dump! Just like old times.
Gosh, the bars on the windows|seemed so much thicker back then.
- Ahem.
|- Mr.
Vogel, remember me? Leela, you're worthless,|and no one will ever love you! - You used to say that all the time.
|- Oh, those were happier days.
Mm.
The gristle in a blanket|isn't half bad.
Try the Popsicle sticks.
|They've absorbed a lot of flavor.
Hey, look, it's our old group picture.
- I don't see you anywhere.
|- That's me over in Cootietown.
Get a load of this|average-looking guy.
That's Adlai Atkins.
I used|to have kind of a crush on him.
- One-eye! One-eye!|- Stupid as a French guy! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye!|One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! Well, it's time to say hello|to the old gang.
So, what you been up to|since you left? - Living in a box.
You?|- Selling kidneys, teeth, whatever.
And what am I up to, you ask? Why,|I'm a very successful space captain.
Oh.
- Wow.
|- How nice for you, Leela.
That's so good for a person|with one eye.
Hey, you can't feel sorry for me.
I'm a space captain,|and you're a bunch of losers.
Right, right.
We're the losers.
Well, if it isn't old One-eye.
- Oh, yeah? Well, shut up, cane-boy!|- He can't hear you.
He's deaf now.
Leave her alone.
|She's leading a normal life.
She's not gussied up,|duded out or where it's at.
Now, run along.
Thanks, Adlai.
I guess you never|outgrow being an eyeball.
Oddball.
Nonsense.
You're a captain.
|That's a fine profession.
Well, it's just for a package|delivery service.
A package is just a box|until it's delivered.
Huh, I'd never thought of it that way.
|What do you do? - I'm a doctor.
|- A tall doctor, you say? Sir, you seem stable.
- Have you thought about adopting?|- No.
It's a great way to have|a kid without sex.
Really? The government will help|with $100 a week.
A hundred dollars a week? I'm so sorry I teased you.
|Let me make it up.
- I'll fix it so no one teases you.
|- By beating them up? I broke that blind kid's nose,|and it made no difference.
No, I specialize|in phaser eye surgery.
I can build you a paraffin eye|and graft it on.
It won't be able to see, but you'll|look like a normal two-eyed person.
Me? Perfectly normal? Hm.
Mm.
Yay! Sons, daughters, meet Uncle Fry.
Why are they with you?|Do you have candy? No.
It's called parenting.
Come on, dumplings, we've got|12 government stipends to collect.
Yay!|Our daddy's a giant toy! Phaser eye surgery is a capital idea.
I'm sure Leela's tired of morons|gaping at her eye all the time.
Ah Cosmetic surgery's great.
|I used to be too cute so I had cuteness reduction|surgery here and here.
You're crazy! Leela doesn't|need surgery.
You look great now.
Oh, that's so sweet, Fry.
But for|once, I just want to look normal.
You're better, you're abnormal!|You shouldn't care what people think.
I'll start by not caring|what you think.
I'm getting the surgery.
- Thattagirl!|- Wonderful! You can also get an ink pouch|to help you escape your enemies.
That's the stupidest idea|I've ever heard, you imbecile! Now we'll find out if the operation|was a success.
Hold on to your hats.
Oh, I'm sorry.
|This is the wrong patient.
Oops.
- Those eyes look so great on you!|- She looked fine before.
- No.
|- Wrong.
Wow, look at me! - I don't have the hang of blinking.
|- You will.
I try not to blink too much, because|it's flashy.
But when I do, I enjoy it.
I did it! I blunk! Just in time|to screw up this picture! Hooray! - Ow.
|- Ow.
I've never felt so unremarkable! Today|I actually blended in with a crowd! - Kids, meet the jerk-bags I work with.
|- Hello, jerk-bags! - They're so cute! What are their names?|- Kids have names? - My name's Nina, and his name's Albert.
|- Now you're all named Bender Jr.
! Look! My first government|stipend check.
Twelve baby humans, 1200 wing-wangs.
Daddy Bender, we're hungry.
What is it with you kids?|Every other day, it's food, food, food! Oh, fine.
I'll get you|some stupid food.
- Can we have Bender burgers?|- The cat shelter's onto me.
Hello, Leela.
I was getting one of my shirts toned|down, so I dropped in for your exam.
- That's handsome of you.
|- Follow the light with your eyes.
Perfect.
A guy could fall|head over heels for you.
- I'm interested myself.
|- What are you saying? I'm not good with words,|so I'm in a delicate conundrum.
- Will you go out with me?|- Sure.
I don't know what else to say, so I'll|just say it.
Okey-dokey, see you then.
This is so unfair.
|I liked you as a cyclops.
- He's only interested in your eyes.
|- You're just jealous.
No, I'm not! Wait, I am!|But my point remains valid! I want to try dating a man,|who if you go somewhere with him no one says he's crummy.
|I deserve that once in life.
Be careful with that Adlai.
|He's a doctor.
They're poor.
- Most doctors are rich.
|- When did this happen? You're joking, right?|That's not funny! They got everything you need: Booze, peanuts, they got|a crapper in the back - That's something you do, right?|- Yeah.
Then knock yourself out.
Only eat and drink enough|to keep yourselves alive! I'm trying to make a profit here.
- Daddy, Bethany's hitting me!|Here.
- These kids yours?|- Yeah.
- I like a man with responsibility.
|- That's me, baby.
Let me ditch the kids in an alley,|and we can go have some fun.
- Daddy Bender?|- Daddy's trying to score with a cheap floozy right now,|so cram a Tinkertoy in it.
I love you, Daddy Bender.
- What the hell? Quit hugging me!|- I guess you're busy.
Catch you later.
You morons! I've got half a mind to hug each and every one of you,|and see how you like it! Yay! Come on.
I'll take you someplace|no one could object to.
That sounds wonderful.
I'd like an extra-beautiful bouquet|for my extra-gorgeous sweetheart.
Average, please.
Adlai, I've had|a wonderful time today.
No one's stared at me or avoided|staring or tried to burn me.
You make me feel so not weird.
Leela, you're 999,999 in a million.
Thanks for coming to get|to know Adlai.
Isn't he dreamy? Totally.
Listen, I want you all to know|your Leela's one standard lady.
Oh, Adlai, stop.
What's wonderful about Leela|being normal? We aren't.
That's what makes us great.
|Like Dr.
Zoidberg.
- He's a weird monster who eats garbage.
|- Damn right.
And the professor's a senile,|amoral crackpot! Oh, ee-yay.
Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.
|- Tally me banana.
Amy's a klutz from Mars.
|- Oops.
- And you've got that brain thing.
|- I already did! Leela, do you want|to be like us or like Adlai with no severe mental|or social problems whatsoever? That's the dumbest question ever.
- She's right.
|- Daylight come.
- Coming through.
Watch your head.
|- Help, I'm under attack! Remember your manners.
Forks in|the left pocket, spoons in the right.
Which one of you cutie muffins|gets the spicy squab? Me.
- What do we say when you get something?|- About time! That's my boy! And here's your check.
Bam! I gotta go poopy! You should've gone before|it was time to run.
Go! Through the kitchen! You little crooks! If I catch you,|I'm gonna make cutie-muffin gumbo! Seeing that robot force|children to do his bidding - makes me think about kids.
|- Us? Me? You? Kids? It's time to stop living this|vida bachelor loca and have kids.
Oh, Adlai.
This is the most|beautiful moment of my life.
Daddy, I want a piggyback ride! Daddy's tired.
Let's just have|another dog pile on Fry.
- Tell us a story, Daddy Bender!|- Story! - All right, fine.
Gather around.
|- Yeah! Story! We want to hear this one again.
Ahem.
"Bender's Arrest Record,|by the police.
On March 3, at 2 p.
m.
,|Bender was caught shoplifting.
" Yeah, show us the picture.
There he is! It's 9:00, you know what that means.
Daddy's sick of looking|at you, so go to bed.
Aw.
The grownups have to talk.
|Come on, Ma.
Now to figure out how much money|I'm raking in off those kids.
- I need a calculator.
|- You are one.
I mean a good calculator.
Minus the|food, the bunny-rabbit wallpaper I get 100 bucks a kid,|and they're costing 110! - There goes my cabinets.
|- I won't go to another PTA meeting! The kids have got to go! - Daddy, how do I flush you?|- Just go to bed! Doing this jigsaw puzzle|of a pacifier factory makes me want children even more.
I was thinking.
Since we're orphans,|maybe we should adopt a child.
Adoption? Yes, that's acceptable.
It's more than acceptable.
|It's adequately satisfactory.
Imperial Dragon restaurant? I've got|a herd of you-know-whats for sale.
Let me check.
Oh, aren't you a cutie.
About 35 pounds.
What? Bender, we'd like to adopt a child.
This is the place because Bender's Orphanarium|means discount orphans.
What do I have to do to send you|home with 12 orphans? - I'm afraid we only want one.
|- I'll show you what I got in stock.
I remember this.
They trot you out, and parents|judge you like a piece of meat.
- I'm Albert.
|- Kind of fatty.
Then how about this little number?|Purebred human.
No vampire in there.
- Uh, um|- Um, uh If you're strapped for cash,|consider this unit.
Cursed with a third ear but full of|an emotion I understand is called love.
One time, I did 100 jump ropes.
Oh, I can't decide.
|We have to think about it.
Grownups gotta talk now.
|Time for bed.
- But it's 10 a.
m.
|- I said hit the hay! Okay, okay.
Oh, they're all so adorable.
|- Yeah.
It's times like this I can|hardly bear to let them go.
Good night, you princes of Maine,|you kings of New New England.
You're under arrest|for child cruelty, endangerment selling children as food|and faking the weight of livestock.
If you had kids of your own,|you'd understand! Would it be all right|if we adopted a kid? Might as well.
They're gonna|rot in the evidence locker.
Nice ear! Hey, freaky ears! - I've made up my mind.
Let's adopt her.
|- But there's plenty of normal ones.
Come on, she could|really use a mom and dad.
Ear-face, Ear-face|Sally Won the ugly race They have a point.
|She has an ear on her face.
So what? She may be different,|but she still deserves a good home.
If you want her, I'll give her|an operation to make her acceptable.
She doesn't need an operation.
|She's fine this way.
- And you were fine the way you were?|- Damn right I was! Yay! Shut up, Fry! Look, Adlai,|I'm proud to be different.
I wish I'd realized that|when I was her age.
I also have a tail.
Take me to the hospital|and put my eye back.
Now.
Why should I do that? By the end of the day,|one of us is gonna have one eye.
In recognition of Bender's|generous gift of 12 orphans and a check for 1200 wing-wangs I hereby rename this building|the Bender B.
Rodriguez Orphanarium! It's good to have|the weird-looking Leela back.
You're a true friend.
I guess there's|nothing wrong with being weird.
Leela, there's nothing|wrong with anything.
We'll miss you.
We know robots don't have emotions,|but we drawed you this picture.
So if you ever miss us, even just|a teeny bit, you can look at it.
Hey, I smoke a cigar,|not a candy cane.
Aw Yay! Hey, what the-? Get away! Come on! I just got|all the gum off of there! I hate you! I hate you all!