Futurama s04e05 Episode Script
4ACV02 - Leela's Homeworld
Leela's Homeworld Good news, everyone! You all know the orphanarium|where Leela grew up? Sure, we talk about it|all the time.
- Really?|- No.
Burn! Well done, fellows! Anyway, said orphanarium|has named Leela "Orphan of the Year!" CHEERING Your parents must|be so proud! Sorry.
And the good news keeps on coming.
Behold my latest invention! Whoa.
BEEPING Is a glow- in- the- dark nose you can|wear over your regular non- glowing nose.
Observe.
Whoa! Cool! Now I can punch you|in the nose in the dark.
FARNSWORTH SNEEZES Where'd it go? Hey, professor, whas all this|scroop blurking out of the machine? That? Is nothing.
Yes, nothing.
If you think is anything,|you're a suspicious moron.
It looks like toxic waste.
And it smells like toxic waste! What does it taste like? Delicious fig pudding! Thas good.
But a distinct aftertaste|of toxic waste.
All right, all right.
So the machine|produces a few toxic byproducts.
You don't have to make|a federal case of it.
I'm afraid I do.
I order you to dispose of that|toxic waste or bribe me.
Either way, ill cost $500.
Five hundred real dollars?|Thas an outrage! Professor, I'll take care of that waste|for $499 and 100 cents.
I know thas a rip,|but I'll pay for the convenience.
- Do you take credit cards?|- Les find out.
All right, environment,|you've met your match.
CHUCKLES WHISTLING SPITTING Hey, get back in the sewer, weirdie.
|No mutants on the surface.
But he ruined my wedding dress! Honey, that thing was ruined|the minute it went on you.
Thas what I'm talking about.
Is not easy being an orphan.
Not if I have anything to do with it.
Oh, God.
But today's honoree, Turanga Leela,|has really made something of herself.
I'll never forget the night that cute alien|baby was abandoned on our doorstep because I have a photographic|memory, and I remember every night.
DOORBELL CHIMES BABY COOING v OGEL:|What the-? An alien language?|I guess you're an alien.
What a beautiful,|gigantic eye you have- Well, come on in.
From those humble beginnings Leela went on to become|a county- certified starship captain.
And so it is my pleasure today to nail her picture alongside those|of our most distinguished alumni.
Thank you very much.
Like many of you,|I never knew my parents.
I don't know if they were|mighty alien overlords or simply underpaid alien janitors|who fought crime on the side.
- Picture's up.
|- Is crooked! In the end, though,|it doesn't matter who my parents were.
All that matters is what I learned here,|within these unscalable walls that I had the strength|to make it on my own.
Just like all of you kids here today.
CHEERING Leela! Leela! Leela! Look at me! I'm Leela! No! Because I'm double Leela! Whee! Thas it, Albert.
|No more espresso for you! Mind if we get a picture|of you with your picture? Yes! I mean, no! Just make sure you get|my nonchalant side.
Whoo! LEELA SOBBING If those aren't tears of happiness,|please stop crying.
Is okay, Fry.
I'm fine.
I won an award today.
Is it this room thas making you sad?|Is probably the room.
Come on, les go for a walk.
I'm sorry you saw that, Fry.
I usually try to keep my sadness|pent up inside where it can fester quietly|as a mental illness.
Yeah, I do that with my stupidness.
I told a whole crowd today|that being an orphan made me strong.
But all I really wanted|was a mom and dad to hold me and stroke my hair|and tell me they love me.
Then today's your lucky day because I happen to be|a holding, stroking, loving machine.
Also spanking.
Thas not even close|to what I had in mind.
Well, anyway, just remember|that people care about you.
I know.
Sometimes, when I'm lonely I look up at the sky,|and I get this feeling that somewhere on some unknown planet|circling a distant star my parents are up there|looking down on me.
HUMMING Yo, yo, Bazender! What up? My dumping business is booming.
I just got hired to clean up the set|of Free Wi/y 3! GROANING Bender, cut it out! First of all,|the sewer mutants will be mad.
Second, everything else thas|horribly wrong with what you're doing.
Those stupid mutants|can't do anything.
You seem to be forgetting|one simple fact.
Namely, I'm up here,|and they are safely down- SCREAMING What did I do to deserve this? Behold! Our once beautiful|mutagenic sewage lake.
The radioactive waste|you dumped in it has made it bright enough|to see how ugly we really are! Oh, man.
As if our lives weren't|miserable enough already.
- Tell me about it.
|- Let the punishment commence! - Punishment?|- No fair.
Bender's innocent! The instant you touch|these mutateous waters your DNA will be forever altered turning you into horrible mutants|like us! - Especially him.
|- Oh.
Allow me to demonstrate.
WHIMPERING GROANING Is like that time I peeked|in the kitchen at Imperial Hunan.
Submerge the prisoners! BENDER BABBLING Wait.
I don't even have DNA.
|Why am I screaming? We're gonna beat you afterwards.
BENDER SCREAMING Mutate! Mutate! Mutate! Turanga Leela! Who said that?|How do you know my real name? GROANING Whee! What are you doing?|Stop them! - What happened?|- I don't know.
I think I saved us somehow.
Go after them!|The waters can't mutate us mutants! They went this way.
Quick, in there! Kill! Kill! Kill! Great Cheech's ghost! Whas this junk? It looks like a timeline|of my whole life.
Thas when we saved Earth|from an asteroid of garbage.
Here's when I dropped out|and bummed around India for a while.
And this is just last year|at Space Mardi gras.
Is like some kind of weird|Leela Museum.
- And I'm the Leela!|Dude, over here! Is all the best stuff|I ever flushed down the toilet! Those are some of my diary pages! And my screenplay! And also, for some reason, the letter|I wrote you full of my personal feelings.
Oh, I'm scared.
My whole life has just been a show|for some perverted mutant! In here!|Capture them! And then Bender ran.
Leela, freak out later.
|We're not done escaping yet.
GROANING - Got you.
|- Take this! Ow! This time, I'm calling|for the death penalty.
Not just because I'm running|for reelection as supreme mutant.
Four more years! Four more years! WHISPERING v ery well.
Your attention!|Instead of being tortured to death the prisoners shall hereby|be expelled from the sewers and never allowed to return! Oh, cruel fate! Can we really never return|to this dank pit of sewage? Wait a minute.
|Why aren't you gonna kill us anymore? Yeah! What are you, chicken? Shut up, you two.
We can kill|ourselves when we get home.
They'll need transportation|to the surface.
Bring in the airship! Ew! We constructed it from the remnants|of old discarded Macy's parade balloons.
Underdog's groin,|Bart Simpson's left ear and right shin Garfielïs owner John's forehead.
Fire up the sewer gas! COUGHING Move it, you ugly normals! Whoa! WHIMPERING I'm getting dizzy!|I can't walk straight! HUMMING FRY WHIMPERING Come on, Leela.
You can do it! Hurry! We're missing our bus! Hey, what are you doing? I'm getting on the bus! Don't worry! I'll be fine! They know something about me,|and I've got to find out what.
The lake didn't mutate me.
|What is going on here? It worked for me.
I used to be|a little blond girl named virginia.
Ew! GASPS Who the hell are you? No one.
|And watch your language, young lady! Stop right there!|I don't wanna hurt you.
I didn't want you|to hurt me either.
Leela's nuts.
I can't save her|unless I learn more about her past.
Isn't there anything else|you can tell me? Nothing that wouldn't be|a waste of your time.
Thas impossible,|because my time is worthless! Well, then there is one thing.
Is the note I found with Leela|the day she was abandoned.
But is written in Alien- ese,|so no one on Earth can translate it.
Not even Brainzilla.
- Hand it over!|- Sure.
I just wish I could be more helpful.
Would you like some dirt|on any other orphans? I'm trying to save someone here.
|I'll have to come back for those later.
- Can you translate it?|- Of course.
But only into Beta- crypt- three a language so complex, there's|even less chance of understanding it.
I didn't ask for a completely reasonable|excuse.
I asked you to get busy.
v ery well.
- Doesn't that machine make noses?|- It can do other things.
Why shouldn't it? Of course, even if it is possible|to analyze the message there's no way of knowing|how long it will take.
It could take an hour,|or it could take 100 million years.
DINGING - Is it done?|- Certainly not.
Two dings means is done.
DINGING But not like that.
|Slightly more rapid.
DINGING GASPS Where did they go? Good news, Leela! I landed the contract|to empty all the spittoons in Little Italy.
SCREAMS Ew! SNORING DINGING Thas it! Is done! I can't believe it! My mind is boggling! The analysis of the note|is printing out now.
Is a girl.
|- My God! She's beautiful! No extra anythings.
MUMBLING What people skills! She's completely perfect.
In my professional opinion, as an|ear, ear, ear, nose and throat doctor she is the least mutated mutant|ever born.
And yet, she's cursed to live|the horrible degrading life of a mutant like all of us! Especially him! Is true.
Maybe we can do better for her.
I made this bracelet so that in some|small way, we'll always be with you even when it doesn't seem like it.
During your entire life, for example.
You won't pass for human, cutie.
But if my Ph.
D.
in exolinguistics|is worth diddlypoop this note should convince them|you're an alien.
And thall be enough|to give you a real life.
She'll never know we're her parents.
Thas our gift to her.
Better we should die than have her|learn the shameful truth of her origin.
I'm with you.
v OGEL:|I guess you're an alien.
What a beautiful,|gigantic eye you have- Well, come on in.
HOLDING BREATH WATER SPLASHING Keep quiet so she doesn't hear us.
Whas to talk about?|- Shh! Hands up! - Tentacles too!|Don't say anything stupid, Morris.
What is all this? Am I a game to you? Or some kind of even more boring|Truman show? Do you believe I'm your messiah?|The mutant Dalai Lama? Stop me if I guess it! Well, actually-|Morris! And what about this? Where'd you get this bracelet? Did you steal it from me when I was|a baby? Or from my parents? You robbed my parents, didn't you? I bet you sick mutants killed them! My parents were confused aliens|lost on Earth, and you killed them! Is that it? Admit it! Yes.
We killed them.
You guessed the truth.
SCREAMS Because of you,|I'll never know my parents! I'll kill you! That would be best.
Stop! Thanks, Bender!|Don't do it, Leela! - They killed my parents!|- Close.
- They are my parents.
|- Yes.
I had the professor analyze the Alien- ese|letter that was found with you.
- What does it say?|- I don't know.
But the analysis showed it was printed|on recycled toilet paper.
A squeezably soft paper|used mainly in the sewers.
It says,|"Your parents love you very much.
" We still do.
So I'm not an alien? I'm a mutant? We never wanted you to know.
You deserved a better life.
You must despise us.
You're my parents.
All I've ever wanted is to know you.
This is the happiest moment of my life.
SOBBING Ah.
- Really?|- No.
Burn! Well done, fellows! Anyway, said orphanarium|has named Leela "Orphan of the Year!" CHEERING Your parents must|be so proud! Sorry.
And the good news keeps on coming.
Behold my latest invention! Whoa.
BEEPING Is a glow- in- the- dark nose you can|wear over your regular non- glowing nose.
Observe.
Whoa! Cool! Now I can punch you|in the nose in the dark.
FARNSWORTH SNEEZES Where'd it go? Hey, professor, whas all this|scroop blurking out of the machine? That? Is nothing.
Yes, nothing.
If you think is anything,|you're a suspicious moron.
It looks like toxic waste.
And it smells like toxic waste! What does it taste like? Delicious fig pudding! Thas good.
But a distinct aftertaste|of toxic waste.
All right, all right.
So the machine|produces a few toxic byproducts.
You don't have to make|a federal case of it.
I'm afraid I do.
I order you to dispose of that|toxic waste or bribe me.
Either way, ill cost $500.
Five hundred real dollars?|Thas an outrage! Professor, I'll take care of that waste|for $499 and 100 cents.
I know thas a rip,|but I'll pay for the convenience.
- Do you take credit cards?|- Les find out.
All right, environment,|you've met your match.
CHUCKLES WHISTLING SPITTING Hey, get back in the sewer, weirdie.
|No mutants on the surface.
But he ruined my wedding dress! Honey, that thing was ruined|the minute it went on you.
Thas what I'm talking about.
Is not easy being an orphan.
Not if I have anything to do with it.
Oh, God.
But today's honoree, Turanga Leela,|has really made something of herself.
I'll never forget the night that cute alien|baby was abandoned on our doorstep because I have a photographic|memory, and I remember every night.
DOORBELL CHIMES BABY COOING v OGEL:|What the-? An alien language?|I guess you're an alien.
What a beautiful,|gigantic eye you have- Well, come on in.
From those humble beginnings Leela went on to become|a county- certified starship captain.
And so it is my pleasure today to nail her picture alongside those|of our most distinguished alumni.
Thank you very much.
Like many of you,|I never knew my parents.
I don't know if they were|mighty alien overlords or simply underpaid alien janitors|who fought crime on the side.
- Picture's up.
|- Is crooked! In the end, though,|it doesn't matter who my parents were.
All that matters is what I learned here,|within these unscalable walls that I had the strength|to make it on my own.
Just like all of you kids here today.
CHEERING Leela! Leela! Leela! Look at me! I'm Leela! No! Because I'm double Leela! Whee! Thas it, Albert.
|No more espresso for you! Mind if we get a picture|of you with your picture? Yes! I mean, no! Just make sure you get|my nonchalant side.
Whoo! LEELA SOBBING If those aren't tears of happiness,|please stop crying.
Is okay, Fry.
I'm fine.
I won an award today.
Is it this room thas making you sad?|Is probably the room.
Come on, les go for a walk.
I'm sorry you saw that, Fry.
I usually try to keep my sadness|pent up inside where it can fester quietly|as a mental illness.
Yeah, I do that with my stupidness.
I told a whole crowd today|that being an orphan made me strong.
But all I really wanted|was a mom and dad to hold me and stroke my hair|and tell me they love me.
Then today's your lucky day because I happen to be|a holding, stroking, loving machine.
Also spanking.
Thas not even close|to what I had in mind.
Well, anyway, just remember|that people care about you.
I know.
Sometimes, when I'm lonely I look up at the sky,|and I get this feeling that somewhere on some unknown planet|circling a distant star my parents are up there|looking down on me.
HUMMING Yo, yo, Bazender! What up? My dumping business is booming.
I just got hired to clean up the set|of Free Wi/y 3! GROANING Bender, cut it out! First of all,|the sewer mutants will be mad.
Second, everything else thas|horribly wrong with what you're doing.
Those stupid mutants|can't do anything.
You seem to be forgetting|one simple fact.
Namely, I'm up here,|and they are safely down- SCREAMING What did I do to deserve this? Behold! Our once beautiful|mutagenic sewage lake.
The radioactive waste|you dumped in it has made it bright enough|to see how ugly we really are! Oh, man.
As if our lives weren't|miserable enough already.
- Tell me about it.
|- Let the punishment commence! - Punishment?|- No fair.
Bender's innocent! The instant you touch|these mutateous waters your DNA will be forever altered turning you into horrible mutants|like us! - Especially him.
|- Oh.
Allow me to demonstrate.
WHIMPERING GROANING Is like that time I peeked|in the kitchen at Imperial Hunan.
Submerge the prisoners! BENDER BABBLING Wait.
I don't even have DNA.
|Why am I screaming? We're gonna beat you afterwards.
BENDER SCREAMING Mutate! Mutate! Mutate! Turanga Leela! Who said that?|How do you know my real name? GROANING Whee! What are you doing?|Stop them! - What happened?|- I don't know.
I think I saved us somehow.
Go after them!|The waters can't mutate us mutants! They went this way.
Quick, in there! Kill! Kill! Kill! Great Cheech's ghost! Whas this junk? It looks like a timeline|of my whole life.
Thas when we saved Earth|from an asteroid of garbage.
Here's when I dropped out|and bummed around India for a while.
And this is just last year|at Space Mardi gras.
Is like some kind of weird|Leela Museum.
- And I'm the Leela!|Dude, over here! Is all the best stuff|I ever flushed down the toilet! Those are some of my diary pages! And my screenplay! And also, for some reason, the letter|I wrote you full of my personal feelings.
Oh, I'm scared.
My whole life has just been a show|for some perverted mutant! In here!|Capture them! And then Bender ran.
Leela, freak out later.
|We're not done escaping yet.
GROANING - Got you.
|- Take this! Ow! This time, I'm calling|for the death penalty.
Not just because I'm running|for reelection as supreme mutant.
Four more years! Four more years! WHISPERING v ery well.
Your attention!|Instead of being tortured to death the prisoners shall hereby|be expelled from the sewers and never allowed to return! Oh, cruel fate! Can we really never return|to this dank pit of sewage? Wait a minute.
|Why aren't you gonna kill us anymore? Yeah! What are you, chicken? Shut up, you two.
We can kill|ourselves when we get home.
They'll need transportation|to the surface.
Bring in the airship! Ew! We constructed it from the remnants|of old discarded Macy's parade balloons.
Underdog's groin,|Bart Simpson's left ear and right shin Garfielïs owner John's forehead.
Fire up the sewer gas! COUGHING Move it, you ugly normals! Whoa! WHIMPERING I'm getting dizzy!|I can't walk straight! HUMMING FRY WHIMPERING Come on, Leela.
You can do it! Hurry! We're missing our bus! Hey, what are you doing? I'm getting on the bus! Don't worry! I'll be fine! They know something about me,|and I've got to find out what.
The lake didn't mutate me.
|What is going on here? It worked for me.
I used to be|a little blond girl named virginia.
Ew! GASPS Who the hell are you? No one.
|And watch your language, young lady! Stop right there!|I don't wanna hurt you.
I didn't want you|to hurt me either.
Leela's nuts.
I can't save her|unless I learn more about her past.
Isn't there anything else|you can tell me? Nothing that wouldn't be|a waste of your time.
Thas impossible,|because my time is worthless! Well, then there is one thing.
Is the note I found with Leela|the day she was abandoned.
But is written in Alien- ese,|so no one on Earth can translate it.
Not even Brainzilla.
- Hand it over!|- Sure.
I just wish I could be more helpful.
Would you like some dirt|on any other orphans? I'm trying to save someone here.
|I'll have to come back for those later.
- Can you translate it?|- Of course.
But only into Beta- crypt- three a language so complex, there's|even less chance of understanding it.
I didn't ask for a completely reasonable|excuse.
I asked you to get busy.
v ery well.
- Doesn't that machine make noses?|- It can do other things.
Why shouldn't it? Of course, even if it is possible|to analyze the message there's no way of knowing|how long it will take.
It could take an hour,|or it could take 100 million years.
DINGING - Is it done?|- Certainly not.
Two dings means is done.
DINGING But not like that.
|Slightly more rapid.
DINGING GASPS Where did they go? Good news, Leela! I landed the contract|to empty all the spittoons in Little Italy.
SCREAMS Ew! SNORING DINGING Thas it! Is done! I can't believe it! My mind is boggling! The analysis of the note|is printing out now.
Is a girl.
|- My God! She's beautiful! No extra anythings.
MUMBLING What people skills! She's completely perfect.
In my professional opinion, as an|ear, ear, ear, nose and throat doctor she is the least mutated mutant|ever born.
And yet, she's cursed to live|the horrible degrading life of a mutant like all of us! Especially him! Is true.
Maybe we can do better for her.
I made this bracelet so that in some|small way, we'll always be with you even when it doesn't seem like it.
During your entire life, for example.
You won't pass for human, cutie.
But if my Ph.
D.
in exolinguistics|is worth diddlypoop this note should convince them|you're an alien.
And thall be enough|to give you a real life.
She'll never know we're her parents.
Thas our gift to her.
Better we should die than have her|learn the shameful truth of her origin.
I'm with you.
v OGEL:|I guess you're an alien.
What a beautiful,|gigantic eye you have- Well, come on in.
HOLDING BREATH WATER SPLASHING Keep quiet so she doesn't hear us.
Whas to talk about?|- Shh! Hands up! - Tentacles too!|Don't say anything stupid, Morris.
What is all this? Am I a game to you? Or some kind of even more boring|Truman show? Do you believe I'm your messiah?|The mutant Dalai Lama? Stop me if I guess it! Well, actually-|Morris! And what about this? Where'd you get this bracelet? Did you steal it from me when I was|a baby? Or from my parents? You robbed my parents, didn't you? I bet you sick mutants killed them! My parents were confused aliens|lost on Earth, and you killed them! Is that it? Admit it! Yes.
We killed them.
You guessed the truth.
SCREAMS Because of you,|I'll never know my parents! I'll kill you! That would be best.
Stop! Thanks, Bender!|Don't do it, Leela! - They killed my parents!|- Close.
- They are my parents.
|- Yes.
I had the professor analyze the Alien- ese|letter that was found with you.
- What does it say?|- I don't know.
But the analysis showed it was printed|on recycled toilet paper.
A squeezably soft paper|used mainly in the sewers.
It says,|"Your parents love you very much.
" We still do.
So I'm not an alien? I'm a mutant? We never wanted you to know.
You deserved a better life.
You must despise us.
You're my parents.
All I've ever wanted is to know you.
This is the happiest moment of my life.
SOBBING Ah.