Futurama s05e07 Episode Script

Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles Pazoozoo, you ungratefuI gargoyle! I put you through college, and this is how you repay me? Let's get this gargoyle hunt on the road.
Driving gloves, driving goggles, driving thong.
There! Maybe I should drive.
You? A woman? I'm trying to catch a monster, not find the quickest route to the mall.
Let me just adjust the seat.
My God, he's gonna do it! Everyone, seat belts to maximum buckling! Pazoozoo? Pazoozoo? Hey, Grandpa! Move your wrinkly old keister! Shut up! For heaven's gate! This ship can do 99 percent light speed.
Why are we going 35 miles an hour? Because we're in a hurry, that's why! Plus, you have the high beams on! I can't quite read the sign.
Pazoozoo? Pazoozoo! Oh, it's 2:30.
We can still catch the early-bird dinner speciaI.
Aren't we looking for your gargoyle? My what? Hello, Mavis.
Surprised to see me back again so soon? Mavis is dead.
I expect you'll want to see my angry, crotchety, grandpa discount card? - Sir, this card has expired.
- But it's good for a lifetime.
Well, yours expired.
Oh, Lord! Teeth do not belong in your pants, professor.
Well, I can't keep them in my mouth, they're nuclear-powered! Ow! It bit my finger.
No! No! It's tasted human blood! Mm.
Damn good meat.
Professor, we've talked it over, and everybody thinks you're too old.
We've decided to do the mercifuI thing, and have you youth-a-sized.
Dear God, no! Relax, professor.
Youth-a-sizing is a trendy new spa treatment.
It's this season's shark-cartilage enema! But I like being old! I don't have to talk to my parents, no one asks me to help move their stuff I don't need to understand today's "edgy" TV sitcoms.
Okay, okay.
We're not gonna force you untiI I finish this sentence.
Get him! Ah! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh! My thong! Hi! I'm Heather, your personaI youth-a-sizer.
Let's get started with a nice botulism treatment, shall we? - Go to hell, Heather! - Oh In small doses, botulism toxin tightens and tones the faciaI muscles instead of killing you in the most horrible fashion imaginable.
Give me back my floppy face! CarefuI with the giblets! You're still retaining a lot of grump in these joints.
More pressure.
Ahhh.
Since this is such a serious case of old, we'll try our strongest treatment: A soothing, full-body bath in searing hot tar.
Sir, it's not necessary or wise to be naked.
You sound just like my tennis instructor.
The tar blisters the age right out of the body in what top scientists suspect is a miracle.
I don't have time for this! I have to go buy a single piece of fruit with a coupon and then return it making people wait behind me while I complain.
He still sounds sort of old, sort of reaI old.
Step aside, lady.
Like everything else in life pumping is just a primitive, degenerate form of bending.
Whoa.
Whoa-oa.
Whoa! Come on, Bender! Pump harder! Harder! I'm trying as hard as I can.
Harder, damn you! Well, that was an utter waste of time.
Professor, it worked! You look young enough to be my father! Poodle spit! Fifty-three years old? Oh, now I'll need a fake ID to rent ultra-porn.
CooI, professor.
We should go out and celebrate! Dear Lord! You've all reverted to your childhood forms! Hooray! I'm a teenage heartthrob again.
While I try to restore our normaI ages I expect you all to go about your jobs like responsible professionals.
It wasn't me, Mr.
F.
It was Amy.
- Stop it, Amy! - You stink! You know you did it! Quiet! Quiet, I say! We're here to take my little stub of a husband home.
Hermes, say goodbye to Mr.
Farnsworth.
Goodbye, Mr.
Dumbsworth! Hey! This is my chance to spend time with my parents too.
But your parents are gross sewer mutants.
Ow! When I was an orphan I wished I could grow up with my mom and dad.
And now, thanks to being hurled backwards in time- That's not what happened! Shut up and go live with your parents! It's gonna be totally awesome, Mom! You and me can bake, and argue about my hairstyle hiding my pretty face and if some kid picks on me, my dad can beat up his dad! Can't I just beat up the kid? Well, okay, Leela.
If you think you can put up with your father, then welcome home.
We'll try to respect your independence and freedom.
No! I want the reaI teen experience.
Chores, curfew, the works! Fine, sweetiekins, we'll be the strictest parents ever.
Now, let's all have some tequila to celebrate! Dad, I'm underage! Oh, right.
Here's a silly straw.
Oh, my Amy is sweet little girI again.
This like a mother's dream! Bad dream, that is.
At this rate, I'm never gonna get a grandchild! Maybe she not grown up, but she sure grown out.
She fat! Dad, if you're gonna make fat jokes till I get cute again I'm just gonna stay in my room! Stay in room? You so fat, you gonna stay all around room.
I've got to find a way to escape the horrible ravages of youth.
Suddenly, I'm going to the bathroom like clockwork, every three hours.
And those jerks at SociaI Security stopped sending me checks.
Now I have to pay them! I'm tired of you yapping! All you ever do is complain.
You never try to make things better.
Well, I'm running away from this dead-end family.
I know there's a place for people like me, with new ideas.
- There has to be! - Fine.
Get going.
Oh, I'm going, and you're gonna be all, "Where's Bender? I miss Bender! " We won't know that untiI you leave.
- Oh, I'm leaving.
- There's the door.
I'll be good.
Ah.
Do you have to shed your skin on the couch? What do we live in, a zoo? I'm getting the doorbell.
For me? Hello, sir.
It's a lovely evening you have tonight.
I'm here to pick up your daughter.
Hi, Fry.
I like your blazer.
Thanks.
These aren't pockets, they're just flaps.
I put my money in my sock.
So where are you taking my daughter tonight? A movie.
A movie, ma'am.
Well, whatever you're really doing, don't wake us if you get in after 12.
Dad, you're being too lenient again.
I have to be back by 11.
Okay, okay! You're the boss.
No, I'm not! I'd like a sewer burger, but without the rat feces.
What, are you on a diet? Leela, you look hot.
Jeez, Moose.
Just dump me right in front of her, why don't you.
Moose, Mandy, this is my friend Fry from the surface.
Oh, so this is the famous Fry.
What is he like, the biggest loser on the surface so he has to hang out in the sewer? - They're onto me! - Hey, come on let's act like grownups here.
- Wanna race? - Yeah.
Theres.
The world's drinkings water is safes for another days.
Whoas! Cripe! A tapeworm! We missed the turn! We'll never catch them.
Yes, we will.
This sewer goes right under Planet Express, and it's 9 p.
m.
The deviI take this predictable colon! - All right! - Whoo-hoo! Leela, you can stop winning now, we won! I can't reach the hand brake! That's detention.
And then a giant tapeworm tried to play us for chumps but we totally dissed Moose.
Yes, I'd like to meet this Moose.
But in the meantime, I have good news! I may have solved our age problem.
Yay! It seems the youth-a-sizing tar was saturated with time-altering kronatons.
A thin layer is still stuck to our DNA as well as Bender's robo, or "RNA.
" - Question.
- Yes? You stink.
Yes, yes.
Anyhow, I've designed an oiI-eating bacterium that should take the tar right off.
Come on.
Let's go tell Leela so we can grow up together.
Thanks, professor, but I don't want the treatment.
Don't you understand, you little nitwit? Unless you're treated soon, the only way to restore your true age will be to grow into it, just as God intended.
He has a point, honey.
What about your job and your friends? Do you really want to abandon your old life? My old life wasn't as glamorous as my web page made it look.
AII I ever wanted was to grow up here with you.
- Please? - Well, if it's what you really want.
It is, I know it is.
I'll miss you, Leela.
I'll come back and visit when I'm all grown up.
- Bring beer.
- No beer till you finish your tequila! The age-restoring microbes are ready.
Everyone into the bacteriaI spew chamber.
Yes, everyone do the same thing.
Initiating controlled infection.
I'm no doctor, but this machine guy could use a lozenge.
Ah, poo! We're even younger! Damn! The bacteria pigged out on the tar and now they're getting freaky deaky spreading kronatons throughout our systems! We're getting younger by the minute! What? I'm gonna revert through all my larvaI stages? Word.
We'll all keep getting younger and younger untiI we suffer a fate worse than death: Pre-life! Then death.
I've got to stop this reverse aging before we all shriveI up and suffer the agony of un-birth! Think, you disco duck, think! What's that squirmaI under your shirt? Oh.
Get off me, you parasitic lamprey! Oh, sure, you need all your blood! Would you all chill? I can't think with you kids cramping my style! I need a babysitter.
Okay, quiet time.
I know, everyone pretend a goblin ate your tongues, and I'll read you a story.
Yeah, a story! I can't see from down here, I can't! There.
Today's story is from Muteen Magazine.
Who would you rather hear about, Four-legged Chachi or Tentacle Chachi? I want to hear a space story! It's kind of a baby book, but okay.
Let's see.
"Snow White Dwarf and the Seven Red Dwarfs.
" "Charlotte's Tholian Web.
" "The Fountain of Aging.
" The Fountain of Aging? Hm.
It is just a legend.
Still, they called the Tooth Fairy a legend, and now he's head of the FBI! What's up? Kids ready? Yay! Professie's back! Ew.
You smell like smoking.
And drinking! I had a few beers, but I'm cooI to drive.
I wish I could come with you to say goodbye before you all turn back into grownups but I'm grounded for knocking the schooI over.
Who cares, Leela? It was just a public schooI.
Now, go with your friends, please.
No! A grounded teenager must be confined to her room! UntiI she sneaks out.
When I grow up, I wanna be a steam shoveI! According to this, the fountain is located in the darkest most ancient region of space, just past Teddy Bear Junction.
Teddy Bear Junction, the worst scum-hole in the galaxy.
This solar system is, like, way old! Look how high the asteroid belt is pulled up on that planet! News flash: Everything's getting older the closer we get to that ancient, burnt-out sun.
Dude, the Fountain of Aging must be on the sun itself! Shut up! I was gonna say that.
We've got to hurry.
The kids have only one change of pants.
We gotta be reaI, reaI carefuI to stay in just long enough to make us our right ages again.
Whee! Zoidberg, get out of there! The current! It's too much already! Help! Jeepers! - Zoidberg is dead! Zoidberg's brother is dead.
Funny story.
I just reverted to the age when my siblings budded from me and my brother Norman split off and jumped in the fountain.
He always had to be the center of attention! Let him go.
Oh, no! Quick! Get them into the fountain! Thanks for the help, Leela.
Once we're growed up, you can go back to your family.
We'll never bother you again.
Well, you could bother me a little.
It's working! Hooray! I can't hold on! I'm coming in after you! No, Leela! You can't give up your childhood.
You'll never have another chance at it! We did it! We're the right ages again! I think I might be a couple years younger! Oh, me too! Help! I'm still in mid-periI, you clods! He's too far out! We can't reach him! With my last breath, I curse Zoidberg! Pazoozoo! You came back to me.
Are you back to your originaI age, professor? Even older! Huzzah! I'm sorry you had to give up being a kid, Leela.
Well, I guess every adult wants to be a kid again sometimes.
But I worked hard to be the person I am.
- The fabulous person.
- With friends like you guys.
Fabulous friends.
And I'm really happy I have that life back.
And you, my faithfuI fiend, how can I ever repay you? And that, little one, is how Papa gained his freedom.
Now, bonne nuit.
Bonne nuit to you all.