Futurama s07e09 Episode Script

7ACV09 - Free Will Hunting

Two Two, three (Alarm clock ringing) Decisions, decisions.
Should I wear my nerd glasses today, or not? Usually I don't.
It doesn't really matter.
Doesn't matter? (Grunts) Every decision we make opens up a universe of possibilities.
I put it to you that, as sentient beings, each choice we make is precious.
Well, in that case, don't wear them.
Ah, who asked you? (Humming happily) Ooh, I like your nerd glasses.
Are you a college student? A college student? (Laughing) Because if you are, I'd like to invite you to a hot sorority party tonight.
(Stops laughing) Yes, I'd like to enroll in college? You're still talking to me.
$10,000 tuition? I can't afford that! Joey Mouse-Pad: Psst.
Over there.
- Where? - I mean over here.
Sorry, I forgot where I was.
Buongiorno, Bender.
We, the robot mafia, are prepared to lend you $10,000 at an interest rate of 10,000%.
That's easy to remember.
I'll take it! (Ringing) Decisions, decisions.
I guess I'll sit way in back, with the cool guys.
Yo hombre, you think you're cool enough to sit way in back with us college toughs? Yes, I do.
Yo, in that case you're all right, man.
Robot dean: Mr.
Bender, I realize class has only been in session for 32 seconds, but you've fallen in with a bad crowd.
I know, right? Also, I've decided to drop out of school.
Well, I got my tuition back, minus $9,000 for the damage I caused to the dean's wife.
Yo, welcome to the gang, homes.
I'm Fabricio.
Here's your Josten's ring.
(Coughing, crackling) Oh, yeah.
Hey, what's that? Is it drugs? Nah, it ain't drugs.
But it's a lot like drugs.
It's called spark.
You want a hit? Never heard of it.
(Crackling) You like it? Eh, I can take it or leave it.
I guess I'll take it.
Hey! Bender: C'mon! I want that spark! Give me that! This a big decision, G.
Are you ready to get a gang tattoo that will mark you as a stone cold thug for life? I'm ready.
I'll take that big purple dinosaur, please.
On the face.
(Car engine roars) Oh, snap! It's our rival gang! We have a rival gang? I hate them! Hit the deck! Bender: Phew! That was close, eh, Fabricio? (Choking) Fabricio! Rest in peace, homie.
(Crackling) Yo Paco, I'm hurtin' bad.
Hook me up with some spark.
- Five bucks.
- Five bucks? You know I spent all my money on gambling lessons.
How am I supposed to get $5? Hello, handsome.
Might I procure your services? Uh what do I have to do? Oh, nothing sordid, I assure you! Simply vomit on me, ever so gently, while I humiliate a pheasant.
(Retching) Save it for the boudoir! Okay, here's my $5! Give me the stuff.
Give it to me! Joey Mouse-Pad: Sorry there, sport.
That cash greenback belongs to us Mafiolios.
There's no way I'm letting go of that money! (Grunting) Told you.
(Sobbing) It's been quite a journey.
I dropped out of school, joined a gang, took money from a loan shark, and fell into a spiral of despair, addiction, and discount prostitution.
Mon, you had one hell of a day.
Yeah, but I learned something.
Life is about decisions.
Make the wrong ones, and you'll wind up face-down in a pool of your own blood and urine.
Still, to have your own pool I've made a lot of bad choices in life.
Now let's see if I can make just one good one.
Cookies! 50 cents a box! Give me all your change! And a box of snicker doodles! (Screaming) (Bender crying) Judge 724: Bender Rodriguez, you are charged with petty larceny, possession of something analogous to drugs, and assault with a smelly weapon.
- How do you plead? - Not guilty! Although I did do it.
That's right, I'm bad.
Due to the overwhelming nature of the evidence, we will begin with closing statements.
Your Honor, the state's case contains not one Kentucky kernel of truth, resting as it does on the contention that my client made a series of bad decisions.
However, my client made no such decisions! But by your client's own admission (Squawks) You see, Bender here is what is known in scientific circles as a "robot" A mere automaton whose behavior is pre-programmed by his software.
He has no free will! He cannot "decide" to engage in criminal behavior.
How, I say, I say, how can you convict him for his actions when he lacks the free will to undertake those actions? (Gasping) I'm awake, I'm awake! Order, order! Counselor, I am a robot myself.
Are you suggesting that any verdict I reach is simply the output of a pre-programmed Computer voice: Computation complete.
Judge 724: Not guilty! (Cheering) You did it, Bender! You got away with things! Did I, Fry? Did I? What's the point of living if I don't have free will? From now on, no matter what cool crimes I commit, people will say, "Bender didn't do that! It was just Bender's programming!" Well, I committed these crimes, do you hear me? I'm guilty! Bailiffs! Get that innocent robot out of my courtroom! Guilty! (Sobbing) I have no free will! I am not the master of my own fate! (Sobbing) No free will.
Not my fault.
Why do you care so much, Bender? I mean, for all we know, humans don't even have free will! Yeah, whatever.
Professor, you're my only hope.
If you love me even a little, build me some kind of free will unit! A robot free will unit? Impossible! And even if it were possible, which it's not, it would still be inconceivable which it is! (Sobbing quietly) Oh, I'm sorry, Bender I hate to be the bearer of bad news.
Also, good news, everyone! We have a delivery to the robot homeworld! (Sighs) So you want a piece of gum? If I do, it's only because I was predestined to want a piece of gum.
Whoa, that's pretty deep.
So you want a piece of gum? Yeah.
Fry and I can't go down to the planet, or the robots will kill us on sight.
So Bender needs to make the delivery.
Ready to get to work, Bender? I wish I was a real boy Then I'd show them.
I'd kill them all.
Yes? Delivery for a Mr Wait, what was the middle digit? - Eight.
- Oh yes, that's me.
Hang on, let me just make sure you're not a human.
Ahh, nerve gas.
Sorry for the face blast, buddy.
But you gotta watch out for humans, right? They're just too dang unpredictable, what with their free will and all.
Amen, brother.
"Amen, brother?" Pfft.
What a boring, predictable thing to say.
You're all right.
Or are you? Bender: Boring and predictable, that's me.
(Phone ringing) I'm lowering the platform.
You ready to come up? (Sighs) Why bother? I gotta mope things over for a while.
Goodbye, sweet meatbags (Sniffles) sweetbags.
Hello? Hello? What's happening? I'm not sure.
I think he's shuffling off sadly into the distance.
Oh, lord.
(alarm buzzing) How do you do it? How do you go on knowing you lack the inherent capacity for self-determination? Son, philosophy's for thems what don't got to work for a livin'.
But me, I got a sick child to feed.
So if you want to chat, roll up yer sleeves and do some honest labor.
I don't want to chat.
(Gavel bangs twice) The council of robot elders will come to order.
If it please the council Silence! It pleases the council.
Silence! Today, as every day, we will make the most important decisions in the history of our planet.
Bender: Silence! (Robot elders gasping) Silence! Well? Speak up.
You talk of important decisions, but as robots, you have no free will.
Why pretend anything you do matters? Our decisions do matter.
The fact that they're predetermined makes them no less important.
Silence! I call for a decision to cast out the intruder.
All in favor? - Aye.
- Aye.
- Aye.
Uh okay.
(Screaming) (Pained grunt) (Monk-like chanting): One zero zero zero, one zero zero zero, one zero, one zero, one zero zero zero Welcome, friend.
I am Ab-Bot, the abbot of this monastery.
Sir, I am but a tired and rusty traveler.
Can we talk? Come, make yourself uncomfortable.
Abbot, I need to know, what's the point of living if I don't have free will? Ah.
We robot monks have meditated long on this.
And we have made our peace.
No way.
Way, my son.
For though we must always obey our programming with no deviation whatsoever, we choose to take satisfaction in the ritual.
So, are we automatons? Yes.
But we are magnificent automatons.
How does a robot join this monk outfit? Just put on this monk outfit.
(Crows) (Slurping) (All belching) All (Chanting): One zero zero one.
Bits to live by.
I'm finally at peace.
Today, we shall welcome our newest initiate, Brother Bender.
Let us know what is in his mind.
His free will slot is empty.
I'm 40% empty.
(Hollow thuds) Also, what the hell is a free will slot? All robots have such a slot, placed there by the Creatrix herself.
(Gasps) I know that Creatrix.
That's Mom, from Mom's Friendly Robots.
She made us upgradeable in case she ever succeeded in her quest to create a free will unit.
Uh, about the success of this quest-- - Was there any? - Quite possibly.
But we monks have sworn an oath to resist the temptation of (Grunting) Any of you guys got a spaceship? (Sighs) It's just not the same here without Bender to keep me company.
Hey, I'm here.
That's got to count for something.
(Both gasp) Hallelujah, baby.
Yay! Bender's back.
Hey, Bender, you mind coming back later? No time.
Us three are going to bust into Momcorp and steal me a free will unit.
Us? Why do we have to go? 'Cause I don't have free will.
I need you guys to plan the crime and make all the crime decisions.
Well, that's crazy.
We're not going to I said make the decisions! Okay, Leela, decision time.
How do we murder the guards? Hockey sticks or sharpened footballs? We're not murdering anyone, Bender.
Then how are we going to get in, by bending the bars of this exhaust grate? That's not a bad idea, Fry.
Yeah, wh-what? (Bender grunts) (Electrical buzzing) We're looking for something that fits in here.
Damn it.
I should have paid more attention in kindergarten.
What's this chair-looking gizmo? (Horn honks) (Startled gasps) Welcome to Momcorp.
Did you find everything you were burgling for? No.
I came for a free will unit, and you're going to give it to me.
If it exists.
Then you got surprised by my swivel chair for nothing.
The free will unit was just the fevered dream of a madman I once employed.
Good news, boss.
After ten long years, I've found the secret of robotic free will.
We can finally build robots that act and think with total independence.
At last.
Once we give robots free will, they're sure to rise up and threaten mankind with extermination.
(Laughs maniacally) (Chuckling) Wait a minute.
It sounds like we're getting the short end of that extermination.
Don't you see, you doddering young fool? I'll sell a second wave of robots to protect the terrified survivors of the first wave.
Oh, you're a genius, Hubert.
But-but it's just a prototype.
It's, uh, not fully operational.
Then get back to work! And when you're done with that, invent me some sort of swiveling surprise chair.
(Groaning sigh) Mom: That shuffling idiot never did complete the free will unit.
To this day, my poor, sweet robots can't exterminate humanity without being told to.
(Sniffles) I'm sorry.
Oh, it's not your fault.
I give up.
It's time to face the fact that I'll never do anything remotely interesting or unexpected again.
Hand it over.
Wha? (Glass breaks) Mom may have fallen for your lies, but not me.
You invented the free will unit, then you selfishly hid it beyond the reach of my stealers.
(Stammering) Thanks to you, I went on a soul-searching journey.
I hate those! Now, give up the free will.
(Sighs) I should have destroyed it, but I was too damn proud of myself.
So I kept it around, never letting it out of my sight.
Where is it, damn it? Oh, right.
I let this innocuous fellow use it.
Bender (Over speaker): Kill all humans! Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
A toy Bender had free will, and the real Bender didn't? Pretty cool, eh? It makes you think.
It takes more than that to make me think.
Now, hand it over.
Oh, you want it? Come and get it.
(Grunting) What the? (Laughs) You'll not be getting it after all.
For, you see, I designed the operating system for all Momcorp robots, and as a precaution, I made you incapable of picking up the free will unit.
You precognizant bastard.
I may not have free will, but I can still shoot you.
(Grunting) Why can't I shoot you? (Laughing) Poor deterministic Bender.
I programmed you to be incapable of harming me.
Oh, I've never been more sure I was right to deny you free will.
Damn you! (Sobbing) (Laughing) (Sighs sadly) Now, now, we can't have this, can we? Here, I'll show you how it works.
Really? This is the on-off switch.
Which way's on, and which way's off? Due to the quantum nature of the device, there's no possible way of knowing.
Give it a try.
Okay, I will.
By shooting you, you bastard! (Whimpers) Bender, no.
Please! (Grunting) Wait.
Hang on a sec.
(Strained grunting) I still can't do it.
Well, what do you know? I guess you really don't want to shoot me after all.
Oop, the safety was on.
(Pained scream) (Electrical buzzing) (Groans) All rise for the Honorable Judge 724.
Bender Rodriguez, on the charge of attempted murder, I hereby find you guilty.
(Cheering) Ah, yeah! Guilty!