Future Man (2017) s02e12 Episode Script
The Brain Job
1 - [thunder rumbling.]
- [electricity crackling.]
GIRL: Previously, on "Future Man" Pointed Circle hit us.
You wound up on your back courtesy of Wolf and Joosh.
Somehow your former friends figured out a weakness - in my code.
- JOSH: I'm Stu's poison pill.
He's afraid of me.
If my brain is uploaded - I can crash the whole system.
- ACHILLES: There's only one way to the upload machines: You're gonna have to get past the commandos.
Once inside, you're gonna have to beat the facial recognition scanner.
- I think we'll be just fine.
- The evil robot emperor, Stu, will unleash his killing machines if you attack the Mons.
- You're making a huge mistake! - This is way above your pay grade, okay? I'm J1.
I'm J1.
[machine gurgling.]
[buzzer sounding.]
- Joosh? - STU: I'm gonna shut myself down really quick, and then I'm gonna upload him anyway and torture him for all eternity.
- Hoo-ah! - There's no spaceship! There's no MARS! It's all lies! Release the kill-bots.
[robots whirring.]
[high-pitched ringing.]
[woman vocalizing.]
[mysterious music.]
[groaning.]
[lasers zapping.]
[mechanical gears whirring.]
[man coughing.]
Move, soldier.
[rousing music.]
[muffled shouting, screaming.]
[loud explosion.]
[muffled screaming.]
- They're all dead.
- Not all of them.
I can still hear a few screaming.
[loud explosion.]
Well, at least their suffering's over.
My Cluster.
- Their blood is on my hands.
- It's not your fault.
And on my arms, and my knees, and my face, and [sobs.]
[whimpers.]
Yeah, that's Thimble.
Her blood is just as sweet as she is.
Was.
- [sobbing.]
- That sweet blood is on me.
I was blinded by self-pity.
I couldn't see Stu for what he really was.
El Diablo.
[explosion.]
- What are those? - PSK's.
Personal Suicide Kits.
I mean, our war is lost.
We're holed up in a bunker.
It can't get much lower than this.
Which dot goes on which temple? - It doesn't matter.
- That's good design.
- Yeah.
- Really? You guys are throwing in the towel because of a a couple invincible killer robots? - Yeah, pretty much.
- Yeah, yeah.
Well, 12 million, actually.
Well, that doesn't work for me.
That that will not be the end of my story.
Cool, more murder dots for me.
[sighs.]
You know, looking back at it, I think I most regret picking that voice - when I was 14.
- You really fucking sold it.
Oh, it was exhausting and ultimately fruitless.
Wish I had spent less time at the shop and - more with Lugnut.
- Where do I start? I made a lot of bad decisions.
Well, I guess the one that hurts the most is when I stuck my hand in Stu's brain goo and just even gave him one flick of pleasure.
[groans.]
Okay, yeah, all right, I [goofy exclamation.]
- I felt a little tingle, too.
- Wait, you saw Stu's brain? I more than saw it.
- I jobbed it to completion.
- Oh.
- "Komputaboinken.
" - How would that even work? We spent years looking for Stu's core processor.
If you can lead us to it then we we can take Stu down.
It's too well defended.
We'd never get past security.
Unless unless the system's down.
Guys, just get me as close as you can to Stu and then I'll I'll do my thing.
- I'll fritz him out.
- Yeah, he patched himself, so any power you had - it's gone.
- [stammering.]
That was all I had.
[sighs.]
Yeah, but we do have this.
There's enough Cameronium here to level that mountain.
Wolf, you too sad to build a dirty bomb? Wait, I have a better idea.
[dramatic music.]
- What the - That's impossible.
- I saw that blow up.
- A reproduction reverse-engineered from this one.
You really thought we were stupid enough to test experimental fuel on the only time-travel device - in existence? - Yup.
It pretty much informed every decision I've made since then.
Guys, this is great.
This is great.
Okay, so so what do we do? We we jump back to right before Stu patches himself, I take out the other me, I get in his place in line, don't fight with Jimmy McGurgin, upload myself, and we now have a super dead supercomputer, right? - Mm, probably.
- "Probably.
" You just sent me to die - for a "probably"? - We were never 100% that uploading you was gonna work.
Like, 78%.
It was Plan B, but it was the best plan that we had.
Plan A was always destroy Stu's core processor.
That's 100%, and now we can do that.
When Stu patched himself he shut down for 11 seconds.
We jump back to that moment, all his defenses are down.
We stroll in there, smash that brain.
Too much ground to cover.
We'd never get there in time.
Unless we buy ourselves more time.
When we use the TTD, we jump in time, but not space.
Thus, if we run 11 seconds, let's say we get to about here.
If we jump when we're here, we'd still be in the same exact place, just 11 seconds earlier, you see? We can just keep running and jumping, running and jumping, running and jumping, extending our window for as much time as we need until we're past Stu's defenses inside the core processor.
Then, we give him a brain job he will never forget.
Because he'll he'll be dead.
Or he won't remember because he'll be - we'll kill him.
- Yeah, I love this plan.
It's a winner.
I'm in right after this.
- [device beeps.]
- [electricity crackling.]
God [sighs.]
[birds chirping.]
[thrilling music.]
Corey! Oh, I haven't seen you in, like, a week, man.
I was just to get OJ's car cleaned.
You were right about him.
- He is a great guy.
- Yeah, I told you.
- Yeah, what's up? - Oh, I need you to do me - a solid, Blaze.
- Anything.
Cool, cool.
Make a quick trip to Utah.
Infiltrate a community where polygamy is tacitly accepted, marry all these beautiful people, provide for them, and, uh, raise this special little girl, Lugnut, as if she was your own.
Okay.
So which one's Tugboat? Of all the places in the world, right here at OJ's in 1993 is the safest.
Life will be simpler for you here.
[bittersweet music.]
Can't you stay a little bit longer, fake papa? [sighs.]
[rhythmic tapping.]
[electricity crackling.]
[sighs.]
Had to secure the Cluster.
I couldn't help but skip to a few milestones.
I just walked Lugnut down the aisle.
Wolf, you have a time machine.
- Why are you 10 minutes late? - Oh, sorry.
I'm still on island time.
[groans.]
It was a destination wedding.
Oh, one guess who I booked to play the reception.
No? No one's the least bit curious about who I booked to [stammers.]
Fine.
You don't get to know, then.
Okay [clears throat.]
so when we jump, we're gonna give ourselves enough time to get into position inside of Stu's compound.
Then, when he goes to patch himself, - we make our run.
- Well, here's a little hiccup: The secret entrance to Stu's compound is inside the hangar, so you three are gonna have to get through there, avoid Stu, his commandos And the other us's.
Keep in mind, guys, "Back to the Future 2" rules do apply here.
- What? - Uh, just ignore him.
Wolf.
- Fire up the TTD.
- [sighs.]
[suspenseful music.]
I'm not going with you.
These are my people.
I'm their leader.
I can't just leave them here to die.
Their fate is my fate.
God damn it.
[speaking Spanish.]
[dramatic music.]
You're gonna have to recruit the me from three hours ago.
Don't worry, she'll get it.
[sighs.]
Okay, guys.
Time to save the world again.
It was Hoobastank.
[device powering up.]
[electricity crackles.]
[radio feedback.]
Stay tight to that HAB unit, soldier.
One hair to the left and you're made.
[energy rushing.]
- We we can explain.
- Totally get it.
What's your plan for getting into the hangar? How many guards you say there were? - Uh, two.
- Can you show us - where the guard house is? - You thinking - Otter's Mousetrap? - Only play that makes sense.
STU: Spacecraft will transport you to a new world.
A world of boundless potential.
A world free from the limitations - of life on this dying planet.
- Don't look at me! [wheezing.]
It's not pretty.
I'm a monster.
[gasping.]
[triumphant music.]
[wheezing, gasping.]
Medical emergency.
Thank you.
[clears throat.]
[all chattering.]
Sorry, my friend's in there.
[tense music.]
STU: You're going to enter Once you make it through, you will reach the antechamber, where you will be issued your very own space helmets! [cheers and applause.]
[funky music.]
Okay, the hidden hatch to the compound is on the other side of the hangar.
You're doing great.
This is gonna work.
- I knew it would.
- STU: You will then be The younger me.
So naive, full of hope.
STU: We'll be taking ACHILLES: Don't let him see you.
I know he can't see anything.
His eyes are swollen shut.
Trust me.
All right, we should - keep moving.
- Get ready to travel - to a brave new world.
- [grunting.]
Yeah, take a long look at my disgusting STU: You will be pioneers fulfilling our manifest Dick.
STU: Previously unimaginable I'd recognize that bulge anywhere.
- Quick, he's on to you.
- What? - What? - ACHILLES: Uh uh, no.
Nothing.
Uh, sorry.
There's no one no one's on to you.
It's all everything's great.
Plan is going going great.
You're doing great.
JOSH: No, no, no, something's up.
There's also an all-you-can-eat taco bar.
- on every spacecraft.
- [labored breathing.]
[cheers and applause.]
[dramatic music.]
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
[panting.]
There is someone I would very much like - to formally introduce you to.
- [panting.]
- I knew it.
- Hey, buddy.
- We can explain.
- Wait, are you me? What the fuck is happening here? - I'm mad at you.
- I know, it's confusing.
Okay, what are you doing? We need her on that reviewing stand now.
Stu is introducing her.
- Yeah, I'm working on it.
- Who are you talking to? Ty-Anne.
She's great.
You were wrong about everything.
Just give us two seconds to explain what's going on.
That is what's going on? That's crazy! - I ate a nut for nothing? - N-no, not for nothing.
I mean, you you are very, very important.
Yeah, not as important as you.
Well, uh, you're you're essential.
I mean this whole plan hinges upon Stu noticing you - and patching himself.
- [wheezing.]
What, so I'm a decoy now? I am J1! You cannot make me into a decoy.
ACHILLES: Okay, we gotta get Nut-Face Josh back to the front of the line.
- I'm "Nut-Face Josh" now? - ACHILLES: Son of a mm, I gotta label my buttons.
- That's on me.
- She is gonna be here any minute, and you're gonna love her.
She's great.
Find my girlfriend.
Okay, so long story short, you're just trying - to ruin my big day.
- "Your big day"? Do you hear yourself? I'm here because I realized - you/me is a complete idiot.
- You're just jealous.
- You're psychotic.
- Whoa, easy Tigers.
Hey, it's me.
The Wolf from three hours from now.
The Wolf that's finally learned a few things.
Look, it doesn't matter if you're a Biotic.
Or a Bio-Tech or a filthy, no-good Chope.
All that matters is that you're you.
We've all made mistakes.
I know I'm sorry for how I treated you.
[stammers.]
Right now you don't want to hear the truth, I get it.
I get it, I I've been there.
Just just go in peace.
Rejoin your hologram boyfriend for the pretend MARS launch just like everything's perfectly normal.
That's all we ask.
[panting.]
I got an idea.
How about you eat the nut and I take your place? That's kinda dumb.
You already ate the nut and your throat's closed.
- So is yours! - [choking.]
- [laughing.]
- [wheezing.]
Okay, you have got to get her back up there.
- We are out of time.
- Okay, you convinced me.
I'll do it, but only because I care about what happens to humanity.
[groans, gasps.]
[dramatic music.]
- She was gonna rat us out? - How'd you know? 'Cause I only talk about my feelings - when I'm lying.
- ACHILLES: Quick question: Are any of you capable of staying on-mission? - I'm trying - [both panting.]
Listen, man, this mission is about saving humanity.
- Not about who's J1.
- Yeah, says J1.
[both grunting, gasping.]
- You're too strong.
- Yeah, man.
You too.
You know what? You're right.
It is about number.
The number of people that are gonna die if you don't get to the front of that line so that Stu - can see you.
- So, what? I'm supposed to just sacrifice myself and either get murdered by a bunch of robots or stuck all alone in this shit timeline while you and Wolf and Tiger get all the glory - and go out and seize the world? - Hey.
Look, you you're playing your part, too.
All right, do do you think that those soldiers that got mowed down on Omaha Beach are any less important than the one that smashed through the Berlin Wall and killed Hitler? Do you remember any of their names? No.
Does that matter? No, because they are still heroes, and that that is why the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier is among the most popular tombs in the entire world.
[patriotic music.]
- God damn it, you're good.
- [sighs.]
Fine, I'll do it.
Hey, brave face.
Close enough.
Go get 'em, soldier.
You're gonna do great.
[sighs.]
Thank God.
Okay.
Nut-Face me is back on track.
Give me the 20 on Tiger and Wolf.
[dramatic musical flourish.]
Either of you guys seen, uh, "Weekend at Bernie's"? Sorry, Achilles.
You sure you can impersonate me? [falsetto.]
I don't know, you tell me.
I did that for 20 years.
[grunts.]
[deep voice.]
I think I can drop it down a register and then feign some deadness in my eyes.
Come on, is that really what I sound like? Yeah, it's pretty good.
[dramatic music.]
[no audible dialogue.]
Oh, there you are.
I got all I got all turned around.
Um, could you escort me to my, uh [stammering.]
Boyfriend.
[through mic.]
I've got eyes on RG1.
Repeat, Real Girlfriend 1 is on her way.
Yes! Okay, just moments away, folks! Moments away from boarding the ships and journeying to a brave new world.
Oh.
My queen.
That suit was designed for your body, and your body is designing that suit.
Yeah, yeah.
- Um, cool.
- What's wrong? You you look like you're about to throw up.
I'm no, it's just it's the excitement.
It's just it's all the excitement.
I just can't wait to be in a place where we can touch each other, lover.
[gags.]
Okay.
[grunts.]
[panting.]
Okay.
Okay, we are in position.
Yeah, the rest is up to Nut-Face You.
Yeah, yeah, don't he'll be good.
I gave him a very, very, uh, inspiring speech, so we're good.
- Cool digs.
- All right! Jimmy, you're up! - See you on MARS! - Not if I see you first.
- [laughing.]
- Love you, Stu.
[laughing.]
I got you.
[laughing.]
[thrilling music.]
[monitor beeps.]
[tense music.]
- TIGER: What is taking so long? - JOSH: Don't worry.
Nut-Face Me will come through for us.
Just gotta stay sharp.
[groans.]
[doors hissing.]
[monitor beeps.]
Okay, I know you too well.
Something's up.
[doors hissing.]
Stop.
Stop stop the launch.
[sighs.]
I knew it.
Your feet are not toasty.
Okay, it's paused.
- What's going on? - Um, I [clears throat.]
I just I think that, you know, before we go through with this, um what about Ty-Anne? I mean, we haven't talked about how you feel leaving her behind.
We should probably get into that at great length, - right now.
- [gasps.]
Empathy.
[laughs.]
The ability to understand and share in the emotions of another, yeah.
- You have that.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm I'm fine.
- Shall we continue? - Hold on, hold on.
I mean, what about all the the years you've spent together? Movie night or or breakfast for dinner.
The home-school prom, where I'm sure you were her date and she was just so fine with that.
You just gonna kind of abandon her now? You were right.
Everything I did for the past 34 years, I I did for her.
And sure, I made some mistakes, but I I loved her.
And I never thought I'd be going through this without her.
[melancholy music.]
- Until we consummated our bond.
- Oh, hmm.
Then I literally flipped a switch, and Ty-Anne - was dead to me.
- [sighs.]
- That must have been hard.
- No.
Easy as pi to the four-millionth decimal.
It was always about you.
She was a pale imitation.
An experiment gone awry.
- Was she, now? - Yeah.
And any paternal feelings I had towards her have been permanently deleted.
Good talk.
Resume the launch! Well, then, I'm about to tell you something that's gonna be a pretty big disappointment.
I'm gonna save your life, I'm gonna save your life, I'm gonna save your life, and your life, and your life.
[gasping.]
Unknown soldier coming through.
[clears throat.]
Get behind me.
I got you.
[gasping.]
[dramatic music.]
Joosh.
You know, we do have a time machine.
We could go to Medieval Times.
1986, Buena Park, grand opening.
Shit, we're up! - Uh, ten, nine - Go! Eight, seven, six, - five - [indistinct shouting.]
- Four - I'm in the middle! - I'm in the middle! - Three, two hit it, hit it! Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five [panting.]
Four, three, two, one.
Come on, hit it, hit it, hit it! - Cool lamp! - Ten - [babbles.]
- Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three hit it, hit it! - WOLF: Cool lamp! - Shit.
Did we know that was gonna happen? Yeah, yeah.
You saw "Time Climbers 3.
" - What? - Oh, it's great.
- Okay, go, go, go.
- Five - Four - Four - BOTH: Three - Hit it, hit it! Two, one.
- [grunts.]
- JOSH: Seven, six TIGER: Shit, did we know, that was gonna happen? [growls.]
That's gonna get annoying.
What's gonna happen to all of them? WOLF: Who cares? They're not us.
Three, two, one.
Hit it, hit it! [all grunt.]
[all panting.]
There's us's ahead of us! And behind us! - Why are we still running? - Wait, yeah.
- Two, one - Hang on a sec.
If they get there first then we'll still be in the hallway when Stu comes back online.
When those turrets come back on, we do not want to be here.
Can we go? - Do we have free will? - Uh, I - I think so? - All right, well, let's just get the fuck out of here.
No, no, unless the first group fails and we can make it to the front and and then they'll need someone to take over, - and that should be us.
- WOLF: What? - Fuck you guys.
- What in the shit? I swear to fuck.
Why don't we just keep running and jumping? I mean, won't we get there eventually? I I don't know.
[groans.]
See you in 7734, suckers! Ten [panting.]
Nine eight seven six five four three - [grunts.]
- JOSH: Ten [overlapping counting.]
The fuck? [overlapping counting.]
Okay, we gotta go.
We gotta go.
Those doors aren't gonna open! Yes, they will! JOSH: We're out of time! - TIGER: Power jump! - WOLF: Power jump! - [hollers.]
- [grunts.]
[grunts.]
[gasping.]
Hoo-ah! [all shouting.]
[lasers firing.]
[groaning, gagging.]
Joosh? Wolf? Tiger.
But if Tiger's in there [falsetto.]
Hi, Dad.
- Wow, did I underestimate you.
- Do you know how many times I wanted to quit? To kill myself? Do anything but stay with you? - Suddenly it's all worth it.
- [grunts.]
Um, that hurts.
Tiger - I thought you liked me.
- You took advantage of me when I was emotionally vulnerable.
How else was I gonna get you to like me? No, no, no, no! - Wait, wait, wait! - Stu, it's smasher code, okay? - Gotta do it.
- STU: Everything I did I did for you, Tiger! - And for you, Ty-Anne.
- You're about to murder - all of humanity.
- Yeah, for you! Look, I I know I lied.
I I know I'm gonna kill millions of innocent people, but I am gonna save so many more.
It's called a cost-benefit analysis.
I ran the numbers.
Believe me, - they're on my side.
- Yeah, well, we're not.
I thought humanity was a weakness, and it turns out that's the only thing that kept you fighting.
God, everything you endured all the odds you overcame, and you never gave up.
None of you.
My systems never could have accounted for that.
[somber music.]
Because it's fucking absurd! How did you do it? How? You filthy shaved apes! [screams in pain.]
- We got the gist, right? - [screaming.]
No, no! No! Oh, no! No! [grunting.]
[hollering.]
[screaming.]
[distorted screaming.]
I died.
[sighs.]
[triumphant music.]
[both grunting.]
Okay.
I mean, it's not as bad - as I expected.
- Yeah.
A lot more dead yous than dead us's.
To be fair, a lot of them are mutilated past the point - of recognition, right? - [both snorting.]
Oh, it's pathetic.
Wolf? What's wrong? Oh, so it's not so much fun when it's a room full of dead yous, huh? Such a waste of talent.
[strange sloshing, crackling.]
Down on the ground.
You have two seconds to comply starting - now.
- Uh [all laughing.]
[high-pitched screeching.]
[all groaning.]
- Who the hell are you people? - You're under arrest for violating Statute HXB34 of the Santa Clarita County Time Code.
Santa Clarita? [dramatic music.]
- [electricity crackling.]
GIRL: Previously, on "Future Man" Pointed Circle hit us.
You wound up on your back courtesy of Wolf and Joosh.
Somehow your former friends figured out a weakness - in my code.
- JOSH: I'm Stu's poison pill.
He's afraid of me.
If my brain is uploaded - I can crash the whole system.
- ACHILLES: There's only one way to the upload machines: You're gonna have to get past the commandos.
Once inside, you're gonna have to beat the facial recognition scanner.
- I think we'll be just fine.
- The evil robot emperor, Stu, will unleash his killing machines if you attack the Mons.
- You're making a huge mistake! - This is way above your pay grade, okay? I'm J1.
I'm J1.
[machine gurgling.]
[buzzer sounding.]
- Joosh? - STU: I'm gonna shut myself down really quick, and then I'm gonna upload him anyway and torture him for all eternity.
- Hoo-ah! - There's no spaceship! There's no MARS! It's all lies! Release the kill-bots.
[robots whirring.]
[high-pitched ringing.]
[woman vocalizing.]
[mysterious music.]
[groaning.]
[lasers zapping.]
[mechanical gears whirring.]
[man coughing.]
Move, soldier.
[rousing music.]
[muffled shouting, screaming.]
[loud explosion.]
[muffled screaming.]
- They're all dead.
- Not all of them.
I can still hear a few screaming.
[loud explosion.]
Well, at least their suffering's over.
My Cluster.
- Their blood is on my hands.
- It's not your fault.
And on my arms, and my knees, and my face, and [sobs.]
[whimpers.]
Yeah, that's Thimble.
Her blood is just as sweet as she is.
Was.
- [sobbing.]
- That sweet blood is on me.
I was blinded by self-pity.
I couldn't see Stu for what he really was.
El Diablo.
[explosion.]
- What are those? - PSK's.
Personal Suicide Kits.
I mean, our war is lost.
We're holed up in a bunker.
It can't get much lower than this.
Which dot goes on which temple? - It doesn't matter.
- That's good design.
- Yeah.
- Really? You guys are throwing in the towel because of a a couple invincible killer robots? - Yeah, pretty much.
- Yeah, yeah.
Well, 12 million, actually.
Well, that doesn't work for me.
That that will not be the end of my story.
Cool, more murder dots for me.
[sighs.]
You know, looking back at it, I think I most regret picking that voice - when I was 14.
- You really fucking sold it.
Oh, it was exhausting and ultimately fruitless.
Wish I had spent less time at the shop and - more with Lugnut.
- Where do I start? I made a lot of bad decisions.
Well, I guess the one that hurts the most is when I stuck my hand in Stu's brain goo and just even gave him one flick of pleasure.
[groans.]
Okay, yeah, all right, I [goofy exclamation.]
- I felt a little tingle, too.
- Wait, you saw Stu's brain? I more than saw it.
- I jobbed it to completion.
- Oh.
- "Komputaboinken.
" - How would that even work? We spent years looking for Stu's core processor.
If you can lead us to it then we we can take Stu down.
It's too well defended.
We'd never get past security.
Unless unless the system's down.
Guys, just get me as close as you can to Stu and then I'll I'll do my thing.
- I'll fritz him out.
- Yeah, he patched himself, so any power you had - it's gone.
- [stammering.]
That was all I had.
[sighs.]
Yeah, but we do have this.
There's enough Cameronium here to level that mountain.
Wolf, you too sad to build a dirty bomb? Wait, I have a better idea.
[dramatic music.]
- What the - That's impossible.
- I saw that blow up.
- A reproduction reverse-engineered from this one.
You really thought we were stupid enough to test experimental fuel on the only time-travel device - in existence? - Yup.
It pretty much informed every decision I've made since then.
Guys, this is great.
This is great.
Okay, so so what do we do? We we jump back to right before Stu patches himself, I take out the other me, I get in his place in line, don't fight with Jimmy McGurgin, upload myself, and we now have a super dead supercomputer, right? - Mm, probably.
- "Probably.
" You just sent me to die - for a "probably"? - We were never 100% that uploading you was gonna work.
Like, 78%.
It was Plan B, but it was the best plan that we had.
Plan A was always destroy Stu's core processor.
That's 100%, and now we can do that.
When Stu patched himself he shut down for 11 seconds.
We jump back to that moment, all his defenses are down.
We stroll in there, smash that brain.
Too much ground to cover.
We'd never get there in time.
Unless we buy ourselves more time.
When we use the TTD, we jump in time, but not space.
Thus, if we run 11 seconds, let's say we get to about here.
If we jump when we're here, we'd still be in the same exact place, just 11 seconds earlier, you see? We can just keep running and jumping, running and jumping, running and jumping, extending our window for as much time as we need until we're past Stu's defenses inside the core processor.
Then, we give him a brain job he will never forget.
Because he'll he'll be dead.
Or he won't remember because he'll be - we'll kill him.
- Yeah, I love this plan.
It's a winner.
I'm in right after this.
- [device beeps.]
- [electricity crackling.]
God [sighs.]
[birds chirping.]
[thrilling music.]
Corey! Oh, I haven't seen you in, like, a week, man.
I was just to get OJ's car cleaned.
You were right about him.
- He is a great guy.
- Yeah, I told you.
- Yeah, what's up? - Oh, I need you to do me - a solid, Blaze.
- Anything.
Cool, cool.
Make a quick trip to Utah.
Infiltrate a community where polygamy is tacitly accepted, marry all these beautiful people, provide for them, and, uh, raise this special little girl, Lugnut, as if she was your own.
Okay.
So which one's Tugboat? Of all the places in the world, right here at OJ's in 1993 is the safest.
Life will be simpler for you here.
[bittersweet music.]
Can't you stay a little bit longer, fake papa? [sighs.]
[rhythmic tapping.]
[electricity crackling.]
[sighs.]
Had to secure the Cluster.
I couldn't help but skip to a few milestones.
I just walked Lugnut down the aisle.
Wolf, you have a time machine.
- Why are you 10 minutes late? - Oh, sorry.
I'm still on island time.
[groans.]
It was a destination wedding.
Oh, one guess who I booked to play the reception.
No? No one's the least bit curious about who I booked to [stammers.]
Fine.
You don't get to know, then.
Okay [clears throat.]
so when we jump, we're gonna give ourselves enough time to get into position inside of Stu's compound.
Then, when he goes to patch himself, - we make our run.
- Well, here's a little hiccup: The secret entrance to Stu's compound is inside the hangar, so you three are gonna have to get through there, avoid Stu, his commandos And the other us's.
Keep in mind, guys, "Back to the Future 2" rules do apply here.
- What? - Uh, just ignore him.
Wolf.
- Fire up the TTD.
- [sighs.]
[suspenseful music.]
I'm not going with you.
These are my people.
I'm their leader.
I can't just leave them here to die.
Their fate is my fate.
God damn it.
[speaking Spanish.]
[dramatic music.]
You're gonna have to recruit the me from three hours ago.
Don't worry, she'll get it.
[sighs.]
Okay, guys.
Time to save the world again.
It was Hoobastank.
[device powering up.]
[electricity crackles.]
[radio feedback.]
Stay tight to that HAB unit, soldier.
One hair to the left and you're made.
[energy rushing.]
- We we can explain.
- Totally get it.
What's your plan for getting into the hangar? How many guards you say there were? - Uh, two.
- Can you show us - where the guard house is? - You thinking - Otter's Mousetrap? - Only play that makes sense.
STU: Spacecraft will transport you to a new world.
A world of boundless potential.
A world free from the limitations - of life on this dying planet.
- Don't look at me! [wheezing.]
It's not pretty.
I'm a monster.
[gasping.]
[triumphant music.]
[wheezing, gasping.]
Medical emergency.
Thank you.
[clears throat.]
[all chattering.]
Sorry, my friend's in there.
[tense music.]
STU: You're going to enter Once you make it through, you will reach the antechamber, where you will be issued your very own space helmets! [cheers and applause.]
[funky music.]
Okay, the hidden hatch to the compound is on the other side of the hangar.
You're doing great.
This is gonna work.
- I knew it would.
- STU: You will then be The younger me.
So naive, full of hope.
STU: We'll be taking ACHILLES: Don't let him see you.
I know he can't see anything.
His eyes are swollen shut.
Trust me.
All right, we should - keep moving.
- Get ready to travel - to a brave new world.
- [grunting.]
Yeah, take a long look at my disgusting STU: You will be pioneers fulfilling our manifest Dick.
STU: Previously unimaginable I'd recognize that bulge anywhere.
- Quick, he's on to you.
- What? - What? - ACHILLES: Uh uh, no.
Nothing.
Uh, sorry.
There's no one no one's on to you.
It's all everything's great.
Plan is going going great.
You're doing great.
JOSH: No, no, no, something's up.
There's also an all-you-can-eat taco bar.
- on every spacecraft.
- [labored breathing.]
[cheers and applause.]
[dramatic music.]
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
[panting.]
There is someone I would very much like - to formally introduce you to.
- [panting.]
- I knew it.
- Hey, buddy.
- We can explain.
- Wait, are you me? What the fuck is happening here? - I'm mad at you.
- I know, it's confusing.
Okay, what are you doing? We need her on that reviewing stand now.
Stu is introducing her.
- Yeah, I'm working on it.
- Who are you talking to? Ty-Anne.
She's great.
You were wrong about everything.
Just give us two seconds to explain what's going on.
That is what's going on? That's crazy! - I ate a nut for nothing? - N-no, not for nothing.
I mean, you you are very, very important.
Yeah, not as important as you.
Well, uh, you're you're essential.
I mean this whole plan hinges upon Stu noticing you - and patching himself.
- [wheezing.]
What, so I'm a decoy now? I am J1! You cannot make me into a decoy.
ACHILLES: Okay, we gotta get Nut-Face Josh back to the front of the line.
- I'm "Nut-Face Josh" now? - ACHILLES: Son of a mm, I gotta label my buttons.
- That's on me.
- She is gonna be here any minute, and you're gonna love her.
She's great.
Find my girlfriend.
Okay, so long story short, you're just trying - to ruin my big day.
- "Your big day"? Do you hear yourself? I'm here because I realized - you/me is a complete idiot.
- You're just jealous.
- You're psychotic.
- Whoa, easy Tigers.
Hey, it's me.
The Wolf from three hours from now.
The Wolf that's finally learned a few things.
Look, it doesn't matter if you're a Biotic.
Or a Bio-Tech or a filthy, no-good Chope.
All that matters is that you're you.
We've all made mistakes.
I know I'm sorry for how I treated you.
[stammers.]
Right now you don't want to hear the truth, I get it.
I get it, I I've been there.
Just just go in peace.
Rejoin your hologram boyfriend for the pretend MARS launch just like everything's perfectly normal.
That's all we ask.
[panting.]
I got an idea.
How about you eat the nut and I take your place? That's kinda dumb.
You already ate the nut and your throat's closed.
- So is yours! - [choking.]
- [laughing.]
- [wheezing.]
Okay, you have got to get her back up there.
- We are out of time.
- Okay, you convinced me.
I'll do it, but only because I care about what happens to humanity.
[groans, gasps.]
[dramatic music.]
- She was gonna rat us out? - How'd you know? 'Cause I only talk about my feelings - when I'm lying.
- ACHILLES: Quick question: Are any of you capable of staying on-mission? - I'm trying - [both panting.]
Listen, man, this mission is about saving humanity.
- Not about who's J1.
- Yeah, says J1.
[both grunting, gasping.]
- You're too strong.
- Yeah, man.
You too.
You know what? You're right.
It is about number.
The number of people that are gonna die if you don't get to the front of that line so that Stu - can see you.
- So, what? I'm supposed to just sacrifice myself and either get murdered by a bunch of robots or stuck all alone in this shit timeline while you and Wolf and Tiger get all the glory - and go out and seize the world? - Hey.
Look, you you're playing your part, too.
All right, do do you think that those soldiers that got mowed down on Omaha Beach are any less important than the one that smashed through the Berlin Wall and killed Hitler? Do you remember any of their names? No.
Does that matter? No, because they are still heroes, and that that is why the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier is among the most popular tombs in the entire world.
[patriotic music.]
- God damn it, you're good.
- [sighs.]
Fine, I'll do it.
Hey, brave face.
Close enough.
Go get 'em, soldier.
You're gonna do great.
[sighs.]
Thank God.
Okay.
Nut-Face me is back on track.
Give me the 20 on Tiger and Wolf.
[dramatic musical flourish.]
Either of you guys seen, uh, "Weekend at Bernie's"? Sorry, Achilles.
You sure you can impersonate me? [falsetto.]
I don't know, you tell me.
I did that for 20 years.
[grunts.]
[deep voice.]
I think I can drop it down a register and then feign some deadness in my eyes.
Come on, is that really what I sound like? Yeah, it's pretty good.
[dramatic music.]
[no audible dialogue.]
Oh, there you are.
I got all I got all turned around.
Um, could you escort me to my, uh [stammering.]
Boyfriend.
[through mic.]
I've got eyes on RG1.
Repeat, Real Girlfriend 1 is on her way.
Yes! Okay, just moments away, folks! Moments away from boarding the ships and journeying to a brave new world.
Oh.
My queen.
That suit was designed for your body, and your body is designing that suit.
Yeah, yeah.
- Um, cool.
- What's wrong? You you look like you're about to throw up.
I'm no, it's just it's the excitement.
It's just it's all the excitement.
I just can't wait to be in a place where we can touch each other, lover.
[gags.]
Okay.
[grunts.]
[panting.]
Okay.
Okay, we are in position.
Yeah, the rest is up to Nut-Face You.
Yeah, yeah, don't he'll be good.
I gave him a very, very, uh, inspiring speech, so we're good.
- Cool digs.
- All right! Jimmy, you're up! - See you on MARS! - Not if I see you first.
- [laughing.]
- Love you, Stu.
[laughing.]
I got you.
[laughing.]
[thrilling music.]
[monitor beeps.]
[tense music.]
- TIGER: What is taking so long? - JOSH: Don't worry.
Nut-Face Me will come through for us.
Just gotta stay sharp.
[groans.]
[doors hissing.]
[monitor beeps.]
Okay, I know you too well.
Something's up.
[doors hissing.]
Stop.
Stop stop the launch.
[sighs.]
I knew it.
Your feet are not toasty.
Okay, it's paused.
- What's going on? - Um, I [clears throat.]
I just I think that, you know, before we go through with this, um what about Ty-Anne? I mean, we haven't talked about how you feel leaving her behind.
We should probably get into that at great length, - right now.
- [gasps.]
Empathy.
[laughs.]
The ability to understand and share in the emotions of another, yeah.
- You have that.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm I'm fine.
- Shall we continue? - Hold on, hold on.
I mean, what about all the the years you've spent together? Movie night or or breakfast for dinner.
The home-school prom, where I'm sure you were her date and she was just so fine with that.
You just gonna kind of abandon her now? You were right.
Everything I did for the past 34 years, I I did for her.
And sure, I made some mistakes, but I I loved her.
And I never thought I'd be going through this without her.
[melancholy music.]
- Until we consummated our bond.
- Oh, hmm.
Then I literally flipped a switch, and Ty-Anne - was dead to me.
- [sighs.]
- That must have been hard.
- No.
Easy as pi to the four-millionth decimal.
It was always about you.
She was a pale imitation.
An experiment gone awry.
- Was she, now? - Yeah.
And any paternal feelings I had towards her have been permanently deleted.
Good talk.
Resume the launch! Well, then, I'm about to tell you something that's gonna be a pretty big disappointment.
I'm gonna save your life, I'm gonna save your life, I'm gonna save your life, and your life, and your life.
[gasping.]
Unknown soldier coming through.
[clears throat.]
Get behind me.
I got you.
[gasping.]
[dramatic music.]
Joosh.
You know, we do have a time machine.
We could go to Medieval Times.
1986, Buena Park, grand opening.
Shit, we're up! - Uh, ten, nine - Go! Eight, seven, six, - five - [indistinct shouting.]
- Four - I'm in the middle! - I'm in the middle! - Three, two hit it, hit it! Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five [panting.]
Four, three, two, one.
Come on, hit it, hit it, hit it! - Cool lamp! - Ten - [babbles.]
- Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three hit it, hit it! - WOLF: Cool lamp! - Shit.
Did we know that was gonna happen? Yeah, yeah.
You saw "Time Climbers 3.
" - What? - Oh, it's great.
- Okay, go, go, go.
- Five - Four - Four - BOTH: Three - Hit it, hit it! Two, one.
- [grunts.]
- JOSH: Seven, six TIGER: Shit, did we know, that was gonna happen? [growls.]
That's gonna get annoying.
What's gonna happen to all of them? WOLF: Who cares? They're not us.
Three, two, one.
Hit it, hit it! [all grunt.]
[all panting.]
There's us's ahead of us! And behind us! - Why are we still running? - Wait, yeah.
- Two, one - Hang on a sec.
If they get there first then we'll still be in the hallway when Stu comes back online.
When those turrets come back on, we do not want to be here.
Can we go? - Do we have free will? - Uh, I - I think so? - All right, well, let's just get the fuck out of here.
No, no, unless the first group fails and we can make it to the front and and then they'll need someone to take over, - and that should be us.
- WOLF: What? - Fuck you guys.
- What in the shit? I swear to fuck.
Why don't we just keep running and jumping? I mean, won't we get there eventually? I I don't know.
[groans.]
See you in 7734, suckers! Ten [panting.]
Nine eight seven six five four three - [grunts.]
- JOSH: Ten [overlapping counting.]
The fuck? [overlapping counting.]
Okay, we gotta go.
We gotta go.
Those doors aren't gonna open! Yes, they will! JOSH: We're out of time! - TIGER: Power jump! - WOLF: Power jump! - [hollers.]
- [grunts.]
[grunts.]
[gasping.]
Hoo-ah! [all shouting.]
[lasers firing.]
[groaning, gagging.]
Joosh? Wolf? Tiger.
But if Tiger's in there [falsetto.]
Hi, Dad.
- Wow, did I underestimate you.
- Do you know how many times I wanted to quit? To kill myself? Do anything but stay with you? - Suddenly it's all worth it.
- [grunts.]
Um, that hurts.
Tiger - I thought you liked me.
- You took advantage of me when I was emotionally vulnerable.
How else was I gonna get you to like me? No, no, no, no! - Wait, wait, wait! - Stu, it's smasher code, okay? - Gotta do it.
- STU: Everything I did I did for you, Tiger! - And for you, Ty-Anne.
- You're about to murder - all of humanity.
- Yeah, for you! Look, I I know I lied.
I I know I'm gonna kill millions of innocent people, but I am gonna save so many more.
It's called a cost-benefit analysis.
I ran the numbers.
Believe me, - they're on my side.
- Yeah, well, we're not.
I thought humanity was a weakness, and it turns out that's the only thing that kept you fighting.
God, everything you endured all the odds you overcame, and you never gave up.
None of you.
My systems never could have accounted for that.
[somber music.]
Because it's fucking absurd! How did you do it? How? You filthy shaved apes! [screams in pain.]
- We got the gist, right? - [screaming.]
No, no! No! Oh, no! No! [grunting.]
[hollering.]
[screaming.]
[distorted screaming.]
I died.
[sighs.]
[triumphant music.]
[both grunting.]
Okay.
I mean, it's not as bad - as I expected.
- Yeah.
A lot more dead yous than dead us's.
To be fair, a lot of them are mutilated past the point - of recognition, right? - [both snorting.]
Oh, it's pathetic.
Wolf? What's wrong? Oh, so it's not so much fun when it's a room full of dead yous, huh? Such a waste of talent.
[strange sloshing, crackling.]
Down on the ground.
You have two seconds to comply starting - now.
- Uh [all laughing.]
[high-pitched screeching.]
[all groaning.]
- Who the hell are you people? - You're under arrest for violating Statute HXB34 of the Santa Clarita County Time Code.
Santa Clarita? [dramatic music.]