Gadget Man (2012) s02e01 Episode Script

The Great Outdoors

My name is Richard Ayoade, or at least, I think that's how it's pronounced.
When I was young, my father fixed televisions for a living, and I would spend many a happy hour helping him in his workshop.
He was obsessed with gadgets and gizmos and I suppose he must have passed on some of his fascination to me.
I've always thought there's something moderately heroic about a gadget, an often small device dedicating itself to one specific purpose - making life that little bit easier.
'So welcome to Gadget Man, 'where I get to celebrate some of the world's best gadgets.
' Google Glass.
I feel cyborg-ish already.
'And introduce you to the most amazing 'and bizarre technology from around the world.
'What the? 'I'll also be inventing new gadgets to solve some of life's 'everyday problems.
' So before ado is in any way furthered, let's tool up and get down to business.
In the sky.
A place without borders.
A feeling of boundlessness, marred only by intense feelings of agoraphobia.
You see, I've never been very comfortable with the great outdoors.
Even the term itself seems somewhat smug - you don't see the indoors calling itself great.
I LIKE the inside.
It's where I live.
You see, in my unassuming abode, I've brought the great outdoors indoors, for example, this digital window, allowing me to look at view after glorious view - snow, with some sleet.
Waterover rock.
And I can hear any sound I should wish to hear with this, my sound machine.
For example Asian garden.
Or my personal favourite .
'WIND BLOWS' And, if I wished, I could wear these.
But I don't.
And for a totally immersive experience, I merely need to don this, the Oculus Rift headset.
Why go outside when you can have vivid, being-lost-in-a-forest dreams here? And this way, I've cut down on the travel.
I'm walking across some hills much like Julie Andrews.
See, after a while, you do start to feel quite seasick, but I would rather feel seasick in my own house than at sea.
At least I can lie down.
On a bed.
Maybe gadgets could soften my reluctance to venture forth and help me take the best of the inside outside.
To test this watertight theory, I'm going to undertake a hi-tech camping trip with a famous person.
I intend to show that even I, a cowardly wretch and scorner of the great outdoors, can learn to love nature with the help of the gadget.
I'll start by seeking an expert view on the sort of technology I'll need to make a camping trip like no other.
I'm meeting a man with whom I have absolutely nothing in common.
He's a professional explorer, who has walked across the Amazon Basin and discovered two tribes in New Guinea - Benedict Allen.
Hello, Benedict.
Hello! In your natural habitat.
Yes!How can a man survive in the outdoors? This is everything you really need.
That looks like a sewing kit.
What is it? This is a survival kit and it has all the essentials in it.
This is for communicating with indigenous people OK.
Picture of the Queen This is someone who colonised you in the past HE LAUGHS Uh, this is a crocodile knife.
This is really if you're in trouble, that is an incredibly sharp blade, it's for slitting the belly of the crocodile or poking in its eye.
Well, your knife is undoubtedly impressive, but is it as impressive as this? Ooh, that is a knife.
This is the Wenger Swiss Army knife.
It's the biggest penknife in the world.
'It has 87 tools for 141 different uses.
' You must be attracted to the cigar cutter.
Ah, ooh.
Amputate your finger.
That would be quite good.
The nail clippers.
That is not a bad tool for cutting fishing line.
Anyway, I'm sure there's something here.
Well, I'll pass on those comments to the manufacturer.
'Fire is the other great staple of survival and luckily, I have 'something which dispenses with the exhausting need to rub sticks.
' I have this, the Wicked Laser Torch.
This claims it can start a fire and toast marshmallows.
Can you do it? Do you want to see it?Yes.
4,100 lumens - pretty bright.
Go on, then.
OK, I'm going to try it.
OK, so you're in the jungle I'm in the jungle.
It's already smoking, impressive! It's the world's most powerful torch.
Ah! I can see one problem - you're sitting in your tent, you want to read your book Your book goes up in flames.
That would be suboptimal.
I have fire.
Now I need something to filter dirty water.
Look at this.
Literally, within days, you can fill a pot.
It's like milking a cow.
So, what do you feel about this? And hurry up, because I'm exhausted! I get the feeling you're more of an urban man.
Is that coming across? Something about the size of it, the amount of work you're putting in.
I wouldn't take it with me.
'I am literally clutching at a straw.
' I have the Life Straw.
It won the Time Magazine Gadget Of The Year.
It filters out 99.
9% of bacteria.
It makes an incredible difference in places where there isn't clean water.
Do you want to have a go? Yes.
'There are a series of purifying filters inside which can 'produce 1,000 litres of clean water.
Yes, I didn't feel like spitting it out and it tastes quite good.
Yes?That's impressive.
With my explorer-approved gadgets in hand, I can head to the next phase of my camping weekend research shelter! I've got six avid campers trying out some of the most innovative tents on the market to see if I can get any ideas for my gadget-filled campsite.
There's the cave, a fully-inflatable tent that takes just a minute to put up.
Not made for the real man.
It's quite small, innit? Good headroom.
The Tentsile Tree Tent is designed to keep you away from wet ground and give you the comfort of a hammock.
It's got like a hole in the floor, as well.
That must mean you can pull yourself up through the middle, instead of coming out the front.
Finally, this rooftop tent can be bought for a variety of 4x4s and takes just eight seconds to erect.
Well, that was easy! It's guaranteed to stay put in winds of even 70 mph.
Do you think there's room for me up there?Yes, without a doubt.
I can starfish! If you had to say which was your favourite, and you DO have to say which is your favourite, what would you say? The man cave.
OK, well, that's very good.
Now, you may be wondering where MY tent is.
Well, I'm wearing it.
I'm going to show you what the heck I'm talking about.
Look at this.
You unzip it thus You zip it up herethus.
Like that.
Liam Gallagher particularly likes this one.
And then you do this And then You're ready to go.
Beautiful! Outstanding.
APPLAUSE This is a deeply unpleasant feeling.
I feel it's one step up from being in a body bag, like I've been discarded in the middle of a field.
'An admirable test, but it's the inflatable tent that will provide 'most inspiration for the hi tech campsite I'm planning to build.
' So in the continuance of my quest, and it is a quest, to get back to nature I am actually going to fish, to see if this can be made less crushingly dull with the use of gadgets.
'This fishing vessel is a road-legal amphibious vehicle anyone can buy, 'capable of up to 6mph on water.
'This is probably not the moment to announce that the last time 'I was in water I was violently sick.
' This is the Fish Eyes fishing rod, which uses a camera at the top to look down into the water so that you can see where the fish are.
Here we go.
'It struggles somewhat in murky waters but I propose a solution.
' I'm going to use sonar.
That's right, sonar.
This is the Humminbird Sonar system, which claims to be the world's most advanced sonar system that I'm currently holding.
Look at this.
This is what's going on in the drink.
Pretty much as expected, I was expecting that kind of orange wave form from just the look of it.
'With a range of 150 feet, 'this fish finding system gives you a 360 degree real-time view 'of what lurks below, but be warned - it takes an expert 'eye, like the one I have in my head, to interpret the image.
' It's like a Chemical Brothers video.
'But as sweet as that is, I still don't feel like an extreme 'trawler man, whatever that is.
' I mean .
you can buy fish in shops.
'We're going to need a not as big boat.
'Like this one.
'This remote-controlled device lets you drop two kilograms of bait from 'its twin hoppers far more accurately than traditional casting allows.
' It's in position.
I'm now going to deploy the bait.
'Before long I have a bite.
' Oh.
Although the gadgets made it undeniably easier to catch fish, I'm not happy.
I'm standing on a boat, and not in a good kind of R Kelly way.
The fish were certainly not happy.
I don't want my camping experience to be anything like this.
DUCKS QUACK 'Coming up.
'See if technology helps me, an indoor type of fellow, 'survive outside.
' This is one of the most unrelaxing experiences I've ever had.
Friends, the moment has arrived.
I'm about to do what I and most civilised people have avoided their entire lives.
I'm about to spend the night in a field.
Now, the only way I can really bear this is by surrounding myself with luxury camping objects and gadgets.
Let's go and meet them.
This is the bubble tent, currently inflating before your very eyes.
It's one of the most see-through tents in Europe.
It costs ?6,600.
I don't know why either.
It takes about an hour to set up, and it's where I and my mystery guest will be garrisoned tonight.
Its transparent design is meant to make you feel more connected to nature, as if that's what anyone would like.
This is my portable outdoor oven, which is actually bigger than my non-portable indoor oven.
It costs over ?3,000.
Let's be candid - this is a big oven, y'all.
It's based on the kind of wood-fired ovens usually found outside Italian farmhouses and lets you cook with a higher heat than a conventional oven.
And because we're in a field, and there's nothing to do in a field apart from to work out ways of leaving the field, I've brought this, an inflatable cinema screen which inflates in 60 seconds.
Also, I have this, the LumiTab, which is the world's first tablet projector.
It means I can carry a whole cinema in a regular holdall.
What camping trip would be complete without a Jacuzzi? That's why I have this, the Lay-Z-Spa Monaco edition.
Check this shizzle.
Time to brave the wilds and meet my camping colleague .
comedy actor Stephen Mangan.
You received my coordinates.
I did.
Do you like this kind of setting? What, outside?Outside.
I love outside.
Why?What's not to like? All of it.
Fresh air, greenerysun.
Yeah, these are all things that I hate.
I'm going to try and insulate ourselves from all of this stuff as much as possible.
All right.
All right?OK.
Let's walk somewhere.
Let's do that.
This way seems as good as anything.
'We don't have to rely on just my near-mythic 'sense of direction for survival.
' OK, this is a good walk.
'I'm equipped for any eventuality.
' OK, so what kind of backpack have you got? I've got a standard backpack .
with things in it.
I pity you Oh.
because I have the ABS Avalanche backpack.
Yes? That's right, you're admiring my toggle.
Do you want to see what happens when I pull this toggle?I do.
What the? What this is is that if it snows, and there is an avalancheYeah? .
I could have pulled this and I would float above while you perished in the snow.
It's to save you from an avalanche? It is.
But it's August, and we're in Kent.
Quite firm.
Well, this is it.
It's amazing! You have been very busy.
Are you pleased?Well, I can't help notice but the tent is see-through.
It is see-through.
Is that cos you like? I like to have a good, clear view of assailants.
I tell you what, I feel that my credibility is being reduced by this backpack I don't know why you think that.
so I'm going to toss it manfully aside.
I probably shouldn't have done that, I think it cost ?700.
I've never been in a tent with an entrance hall like this.
It's an airlock to prevent the air in here getting out.
Why, is it special air? Oh, there's a breeze.
There's an actual breeze coming from inside.
That's it inflated.
SoHow do you feel about this? I can't imagine being in one of these at Glastonbury, for example.
I feel it would attract comment at Glastonbury.
It would.
And I think it might attract hostile people.
Perhaps the worst thing about camping is the mere possibility of communal showers, a possibility whose bud I have nipped.
There you go.
I feel like Richard Branson.
I had a dream like this once.
It didn't end well.
And I'm going to go into this massage chair.
Probably could have done that more gently.
I'm going for lower back and intense.
I'm opening this.
I think intense is just a setting, rather than an area.
I feel like I'm in a faulty car.
Let's hope the sound of this cork going off doesn't attract any wild animals.
You really wanted that Prosecco.
This is the life.
There you go.
Thank you.
How's that tethered spa treating you? It's treating me I feel likeLike a king? I feel like a carrot in a hotpot.
This is one of the most unrelaxing experiences I've ever had.
Oh, well.
'All that bubblin' and back pummellin' has worked up a hunger.
'Dinner is served from our Italian-style wood-fired oven.
' Now, do you want to select a cutting implement? Amazing! It actually is in the Guinness Book Of Records, just in the penknife division.
It's a pamphlet they produce.
It weighs a ton.
OK, blade selected.
I'm going in to cut the pizza.
I think it's just cut 15 very thin strips.
Severed pizza?Thank you.
It does feel a bit like that thing in Ghostbusters.
Wow! A frosted glass in a field.
What are you going to do with that? You can open beer with it, but I'm a very weak man, so I don't know whether I'll be able to do it.
It worked! Hooray! Into the frosted glass it goes.
That beer campaign is yours! Cheers.
As so often happens, day becomes night.
You see, the thing with being outside, which you claim to enjoy, is that it's cold once it gets dark.
Well, there's a slight chill in the air.
Why don't you have this? It's a StormWalker jacket.
It's got FabRoc in it.
What is FabRoc?It's a revolutionary polymer.
It sounds like a '70s funk band.
It heats up, the FabRoc heats up.
The revolutionary polymer that you compared to a '70s funk band.
I'm going to give you a fob.
It's the future, today.
What do I do with the fob? You choose one, two or three, depending on what heat setting you desire.
I'm going for three.
I'll go for two.
It's really toasty!Yeah? Yeah.
It's a revolutionary polymer.
It's now time to watch a film.
What? Get out of town!I'm in town, and I have an inflatable screen.
Where's my projector? Ask me.
Where's your projector?It's here.
Look at this.
That very small thing is a projector? It's a projector, look.
We can watch Brokeback Mountain.
Let's hit it.
I mean, not in that way.
'With 16 gigabytes, the LumiTab can hold about eight films.
'But unaccountably moved by our surroundings, 'we turn our heads to the stars.
' You join me next to the Meade LX200.
It's a beast.
I can just press on this little handset, "Go to," for example, "moon.
It's slewing.
It's slewing Here it goes!.
and it's finding out where the moon is.
It's over there.
A mixture of GPS and an in-built calendar.
It will automatically find the top five celestial bodies in the sky on the basis of luminance.
Oh, not on, like, popularity? Oh, the moon! Look at that.
How does this compare to your other telescopic experiences, Steve? This is right up there.
'The brisk night air makes a man ready for sleep.
'It's bedtime, and we'll be tucked up in these MusucBags from Chile.
' All the best sleeping bags are from Chile.
'Unlike a normal sleeping bag, the arms 'and legs let you move around for a more comfortable sleep.
' Oh.
I've spotted a flaw.
How do you zip up? Put your hand through, look.
There's a Velcro Those Chile guys They've thought of everything.
I feel like there's been a nuclear war, and we're the last two survivors.
OK, I'll get the lights.
Sweet dreams.
I'll dream there's people attacking me in this see-through tent.
Rosy-fingered dawn breaks our slumber.
This tent heats up, doesn't it? Unbelievable.
Right, let's leave.
That was a truly horrendous experience.
Oh!Do you feel refreshed by the sun's rays being magnified down on you? It's about as relaxing as being interrogated.
The experience ended.
I guess that's a positive thing.
It ended.
Would you like some breakfast? As long as we don't have it in the orgasmatron.
'I've been eagerly awaiting this part.
'Breakfast will be served in a camper-van not due to be launched 'until next year.
'It's a camper-van with a secret.
' Nice.
A bit of room for the 'fro.
But that's standard camper-van technology.
Check out the DoubleBack, y'all.
'The rear pod takes 45 seconds to slide out'Hello! Yes.
Who's this? '.
adding an extra two metres of space inside!' That's better.
Yeah, and that was a Muppet Show entrance, let that be said.
You came for breakfast, I'm going to text for it now.
'That's right, I'm texting for breakfast.
'The future is now and it's delivered by a drone that 'hones in on the GPS location provided by my phone.
' Whoa!Yeah.
Well, let's take the tray.
Let's repair to the DoubleBack.
Hey hey hey! Very nice.
So, am I a convert to the great outdoors? No, I'm not.
To me, it's an appalling act of lunacy.
Can gadgets make being in the great outdoors easier? Yes, they can.
It's much more pleasant with the use of gadgets.
Can you start using so many gadgets that you might as well be inside? Yes, I think we're at that point.
Am I now going to go inside? Yes, I am.
I'm going to do that.
'Next time on Gadget Man, I'll be testing technology designed 'to take the grind out of our morning routine.
' My God, this is madness.
Whoa! Whoa!
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