Gadget Man (2012) s03e04 Episode Script


I'm Richard Ayoade, but I'm not just a brother with a catchy name, I'm also a grandmaster of the gadget.
'Possessed with a near mythical level of physical laziness, 'I oft turn, like a frightened foal, 'to the sheltering embrace of gadgetry.
'This time, I'm on a deeply emotional quest 'to find out if technology can help me in some small way 'withstand the wretched dreadfulness that we term "shopping".
' I can't condone this.
You've just stolen a peach.
I feel a man may have designed this.
Let's approach said gadgetry together, and now, respectfully, but with gusto.
HE SIGHS Well, my display fridge has been emptied by ravenous rascals, leaving me only with eggs and my Egg Minder has just sent the devastating news to my smartphone, vis-a-vis their freshness.
I simply must act.
'Like any 21st-century citizen, my first instinct 'is to log on to the net and nip this crisis in the bud.
'But with supermarkets taking up to 24 hours to deliver 'and my bracelet calorie-counter 'suggesting that I'm moments from complete metabolic collapse, 'I simply lack the time.
' My hand is forced.
I must brave a real-life supermarket.
But at least I can simplify my essential list-making process with the Hiku.
I merely yak into this unit, or use it to read barcodes, and the list will be sent forthwith to my smartphone.
DING Kale.
DING Muscle cream.
DING Radish.
DING Ox hoof.
DING 'With my list complete, 'I need to review my personal security 'before leaving for the supermarket.
'To protect my financial instruments, the iWallet - 'a carbon-shell and fingerprint-activated lock 'will ensure their safety.
'Larger belongings will be protected by the iSafe backpack.
'In the event of a bag-snatch situation, 'I can unleash 125 decibels of ear slap.
' HIGH-PITCHED ALARM One of the first slaps that shopping delivers to your chops is the naked stress of finding a car parking space.
Your scooters and your bikes are no use to me, they lack storage.
So, what is the solution? This proud little fella - the BOXX bike, BOXX as in Jamie Foxx.
An electric-powered storage box.
'To help me shop, I'm meeting a produce guru 'whose views I am unable to endorse.
'Jimmy Doherty wants people to take time over their shopping 'and know more about what they are buying.
'I want to get in and out as fast as possible, 'using technology to minimise thinking, carrying or interacting.
' Jimmy Doherty.
Richard, how are you doing? Good to see you.
I'mI'm great.
Good, good.
I look like a supermarket manager already.
But you are going to help me.
It's quite easy, shopping.
You go in, you can squeeze the fruit, you sniff a banana, look at spuds.
You can't sniff a banana with any dignity, it's horrendous.
Let's go in.
First things first.
What? Trolley time.
Trolley That's not a time.
What are you talking about? Trolley time.
Have you got any preference? That's well retro.
What are you, from the '80s? Yeah.
I don't use a trolley.
Look at this - it's what I use.
What is that? That's a Budgee, my friend.
A Budgee? It's a basket that moves with you.
It's like a person, but reliable.
'Budgee is an American personal assistant robot.
'It will automatically follow a hand-held sensor 'and can carry over 20kg.
' Come on, come by, come by.
Come by.
How do you fancy a few peaches? I don't really like fruit, but if you have to, sure.
Really? What are you doing? You're all in them, sniffing them like a hog.
Like a hog?! You're rooting about.
Give it a good sniff, tell it's ripe, give it a squeeze.
I'm not sniffing that, you've been all over it.
I don't know where you've been, quite frankly.
I'm going to use this, the DA meter.
That's right.
The Turoni DA-Meter uses reflected light to measure the chlorophyll content of fruit, thus giving an accurate assessment of its ripeness.
It will beat my nose, will it? It will beat your nose.
OK, try that one, then.
One and under will say it's ripe.
One and over - not ripe.
It's saying 0.
56 - it's ripe.
That should be perfectly ripe? It should be ripe.
It was ripe? Spot on.
What have you just done? Eaten a peach.
That's illegal.
I can't condone this, you've just stolen a peach.
So, I want to have some of this delicious-looking spaghetti bolognaise.
Three for six.
Yeah, that's a bargain, isn't it? But how do I know that it is as good as it looks? So you want to know about the provenance, you want to know that they're recycling packaging and doing all the right things.
Those are the exact things that I need to inform myself about.
First off, you look at the packet here, and the first thing you see is a Union Jack and beef, which would It's already taking too long.
There is a lot of information.
It's too much to take in.
OK, what are you going to do? OK, well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm going to use a Lambent shopping cart handle.
'This handle is an experiment in nudge psychology, 'aiming to influence buyers' choices.
'The more unhealthy or further the food has travelled, 'the more lights come on.
' There are three things that light up.
If it was very far, it would light up all the way to there.
Three means roughly Scotland.
How long did that take? That took seconds.
It was quick.
All right.
And how long was all that? Long.
Well, it was interesting.
I'm not going to dispute how fascinating you are, I'm just saying, in a time-management situation, you're out.
'To pay, I just place my hand on the BIYO reader, 'which scans the veins in my palm, 'as individual as a fingerprint and harder to copy.
'These are already in cash machines in Japan and are on their way here.
' I leave you with the Feetz trike.
What's that? I'll tell you what it is - it's your ticket home.
I live in Suffolk.
That's all right.
'The Feetz is a Dutch design that offers more carrying capacity 'than some small cars, 'perfect for a shop-happy fellow like Jimmy.
' Just pedal, is it? Just pedal.
Although there is assist.
Assist, which is what? It means it will help you.
And I can keep the pound, which is pretty good.
'As Jimmy Doherty departs, drunk with delight, 'I'm duty bound to inform you 'that other shopping transportation systems are available.
'And who better to test them than my public panel, 'a quartet of humble citizens, 'chosen to provide a representative sample of our United Kingdom.
'The Gig Pack allows you to transport your shopping 'and your transport in one paradigm-busting system.
' How does it handle? Is it Ah, it handles OK.
It does handle OK.
'Which begs the question, why?' We just thought whether it makes sense to have a scooter and then have just a regular backpack.
What you're saying is, it would make sense for this not to be what it is.
'If you have a bike, 'and some do, then you can use the Reel to carry your shopping home.
'The elasticated straps are held in place by stickers on the frame 'and will stretch to accommodate all manner of items.
' You couldn't get that much in there, because where are your legs going to go? Yes.
If you had eggs in there You don't want to chafe against your produce? You could end up with an omelette by the time you got home.
That is true.
Here as well, so Whoa, OK.
That works.
'The Urb-E gives shoppers or commuters a 20-mile range 'and a 15mph top speed, 'once they have mastered the hobby-horse riding position.
' It's not actually that bad.
Really? Once you get used to it, it's actually quite easy.
Oh, right.
'In an outrage of prejudice, 'our retiree is tasked with assessing the Hook & Go, 'the easier way to get your bags home.
' Look at that.
This is a very simple gadget, but it's really useful, too.
Well, your testing has been invaluable.
Could you tell me how it went? The best one we found is the Urb-E.
It's got power.
And it's a lot of fun.
It even has You can put your smartphone into it so you could charge it as well.
Well, there you have it, the transportation device system of the week is the Urb-E.
The nation, as one, has spoken.
'But whatever transport was available to me, 'I would still rather avoid going to the blinking shops altogether.
'And to that end, a notion strikes my noggin.
'Time to talk to my technical support staff.
' Hi.
Yeah, it's me, Richard.
Richard Ayoade.
It doesn't matter who that is.
Look, this is what I need you to do.
I want to got to the shops without going to the shops and I want almost instant delivery.
Oh, that was exhausting.
'While I wait for my technical support staff, why not take a break? 'Upon your return, I'll show Alison Steadman 'how gadgets can take the heartache out of buying clothes' I need to know what your instep is before we get involved in this chaos.
What? Yeah.
and my shopping revolution goes online.
' 'My quest to use cutting-edge technology 'to take the terror out of shopping' What is that?! That's a Budgee.
is under way.
' The country's finest minds are working to combine the convenience of the internet with the instant gratification of the supermarket.
While they work, I'm about to tackle another form of retail hell - buying clothes.
Oxford Street is Europe's most popular shopping destination.
3 million people tramp this tarmac every week.
But why? 'Hold the handrail, stand still and face the direction of travel.
' Disrobing in changing rooms, endless crowds, the savage heat of department stores.
Perhaps a celebrity could come up to me and explain.
Hello, Alison Steadman.
How are you? Hello, Richard.
Very nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Can you help me deal with this hell? I don't like shopping.
No, don't be silly.
Don't be silly.
Do you like it? I love it.
'I do my best to ignore her optimism.
'Instead, I focus on proving to Alison 'that this ungoverned madness can be much improved 'with gadgets.
' How do you like those? I need to know what your instep is before we even get involved in this chaos.
What? Yup.
The Footdisc.
So you can get your foot game tight.
Yeah, OK.
So what you do, you place your foot here, and it will not only measure your size it will measure your arch.
What, I just stand on it? Just stand.
I think your arch is going to be strong.
Ahh! Look! And then we look at what the shape is, what is corresponds to.
I'd say normal.
You are standard issue.
So what do I do now? Well, what you can do now is make use of this.
So you can know exactly what you should be putting inside your shoes.
Oh, right.
You can take these with you.
This is a gift from the show.
Thank you! Yeah.
That's in addition to your fee.
I've come away with two, two medium arches.
We're not even going to subtract that from your fee, that's on top of it.
'CurrexSoles use compound materials 'and dynamic arch technology 'to cushion feet and give dynamic propulsion with each step.
' Oh, that is good, actually.
Is it? Yeah.
Feels sort of all cosy like a Well, it fits like a glove.
My shoe fits like a glove.
That's a metaphor you want.
'But Alison is not finished.
' OK.
That's nice.
That's nice.
I'll remain at the border.
The strain is becoming unbearable.
What do you think? It seems great.
'Her constant demand for opinions, insatiable.
' What do you think of that? Yeah.
It's great.
'I need sweet and swift relief.
' Hand over your card.
OK, nosee.
It's too big.
It's just too big for my Is it, though? I've got a small face.
Just get it.
Get it.
I've got a small face.
Mystyle, that sort of '20s kind of look is more me.
It's nice, but I still like that pink, I like the pink, I really like the pink.
What do you think, what do you think? I really like it, I like it a lot.
That's the best one isn't it? Get it.
'The Double uses electric-power gyroscopes 'and accelerometers to turn an iPad into a mobile teleconference robot, 'allowing me to be there, when I'm not.
' Richard? Yep.
You are absolutely hopeless.
Am I? Or am I just .
going? Yep, to pick us up a couple of Tangos.
Slowly tracking back, like at the end of Taxi Driver.
Ooh, that's a shame.
That's a crying shame.
'To help Alison realise the folly of her hands-on approach 'to shopping, it's time to politely push her into an antechamber 'for a taste of clothes buying, gadget style.
' I need to be able to try on clothes without taking any clothes off, and this is what this can do, the Fashion 3D.
It's the latest "Try on clothes without taking clothes off" technology.
Your face speaks of enormous excitement.
Well, I'm just apprehensive.
'Built into the compact display unit is a camera, 'which allows the Fashion 3D to see where you are' Found you! It's found you.
and then map clothes to your body.
' Look.
What?! Yeah.
That's how this would look.
My It's moving with my arms! This isweird.
I don't like this dress.
Can I try another one? Yes.
Let's try that top.
Oh, that's good.
Now, yes.
There, you see.
That's good.
If I was going on a nice holiday with some nice white jeans, that would be nice.
'The Fashion 3D is designed to sit in the middle of shopping centres 'and allow people to mix and match garments from different stores 'before they buy them.
' 'Alison saw the benefits immediately.
' You don't have to try on clothes, you don't have to shop, you just come in here, you can try 50 things in five minutes Perfect.
It'sit's better, but there actually is something even better, something that exists in 3D space.
The Fits.
me Fitbot.
It's here.
Let's take this dress, for example, this charming number OK.
and put it on the Fits.
me Fitbot and see how it deals with it.
SHE GIGGLES I don't see what's amusing about the name, it's a great name.
'Developed to help online retailers display their wares 'in every shape and size, 'the Fitbot allows you to see how a garment would look 'if you were wearing it, but without the need to try it on.
' HISSING What more reassuring sound is there in the world than the pneumatic exhalation of whatever gas is in that? It's just like, gone up two dress sizes or something.
I No.
Or one.
Just a pinch.
A pinch.
A pinch? It's amazing.
You kind of want to play around, you want to put these enormous sizes and see how Just use it to explode clothes? Yeah.
Yeah, it does feel ripe for misuse.
'So, for the sole sake of research' Let'slet's see what it's got in the tank.
The bust seems to be moving, not so much the hips.
Yes, well SHE LAUGHS I feel a man may have designed this.
So it's fantasy lady.
I think so.
Yeah? Yeah.
How do you feel? Well, I think it's, well It's pretty good? It's amazing.
'Now all the problems with buying clothes are resolved, 'it's time to see how my technical support staff have fared.
' Have they created a system that will allow me to shop, without going to the shops? And will it deliver my goods faster than old-school internet shopping? This is a two-stage operation, and stage one demands an overhaul of the spare room.
Well, here we be.
On the Mastermind chair is what you probably recognise as an Oculus Rift.
Well, you're wrong, it's an AUGMENTED Oculus Rift.
And it's going to put me in augmented reality.
I'm going to put it onto my head, so I can get my shopping game tight.
Let's do this.
A standard Rift is a virtual reality headset.
My team has modified this one by fitting cameras on the front, so that I can see myself and the room as well as my virtual environment.
As you can see, this is far more natural than going out into the world.
I'm just going to select "supermarket", and then, look, I'm in a photorealistic supermarket situation, indistinguishable from the real world.
Reflective balls on the headset and on my wrists allow a dozen cameras around the room to track my movements, and adjust the images being transmitted back to my face.
Milk .
I'm now going for bread.
There we go.
'Imagine going shopping in a virtual store, 'just by putting on goggles in your own home.
'Not my words but those of Mark Zuckerberg, 'the captain of Facebook.
'But, unlike Mark, I don't need an imagination, because I'm doing it! 'Where the G-Dog leads, the world will surely follow.
' And, of course the purchase that defines us all - toilet roll.
And then I just select my delivery method - drone.
Well, the products have been selected, my delivery method has been booked, all I need now is to wait in anguished anticipation to see if stage two of my shopping revolution will proceed as planned.
Last year, renowned taxpayers and online retailers, Amazon, revealed it planned to use drones to deliver purchases direct to customers in under 30 minutes.
But Amazon can go kiss itself.
Your drones are years away, and my eggs are on the way right now! MUSIC: Ride Of The Valkyries by Chicha Libre Think of this as a vision of the future, where the roads are free of grocery vans and the skies are alive with drones.
MUSIC: Ride Of The Valkyries by Richard Wagner In reality, there is currently a limit to the weight that can be carried, and several draconian regulations imposed on my delivery route by the Civil Aviation Authority.
But this, Britain's first shopping delivery by drone, is an inarguable, unqualified triumph.
That's frustrating, I asked for skimmed.
It's not a family shop, is it? Here we go, Corn Flakes tea and a small amount of milk.
Well, for those of us who wanted to combine shopping with the opening scenes to Apocalypse Now, this is a major breakthrough.
And, as long as you like products under 300 grams, I have heroically and definitively spliced the hit of instant retail with the comfort of being at home, which is where I'm going now.
Next time can gadgets made me a better person? And, crucially, can they make me better than other people? I'm the winner, you're the loser.
A real mean streak comes out in you.

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