Galavant (2015) s01e04 Episode Script

Comedy Gold

Behold, my fellow travelers.
Today, we cross the winding straits to the rocky river to the shores of Valencia.
No, I wouldn't take the rocky river route.
There are rumors of thieves and bandits.
I don't care about bandits.
I'm Galavant, and Galavant will be deterred by no foe in his Who ate all the raisins out of the trail mix? I hate cashews, and Brazil nuts are gross.
You know what? Heroes get the raisins.
And they choose the path.
That's just the way it goes.
Look, can we just hold it together for a few more days? We've been doing so well, right? - Right.
- Right.
We eat together We drink together We work in perfect sync together We smile - Frown - Blink Together completely We walk together, in time together - Can't help - Yelp - Kelp But rhyme together Our voices chime together so neatly And togetherness is what we do Together, me and him and you - Like rock - And scissors And paper And stuck together All day together We're in each other's way together Our quirks are on display together Or nearly But togetherness will see us through Unless I kill the other two Or we kill her together But there's some things we don't share Like the way I've kind of sort of totally played him Oh, God, I've betrayed him And there's some things we don't share Like I'm kind of sort of always thinking about her Or like how you both ignore me all of the Each day together's a chore together - A belching - Nagging - Bore Together then listening to her snore together It's like she's a bear.
But together, though, is what we'll be For what feels like eternity - Together - Me - And me - And me As one As one As one! As As o-o-o-one! - That is so typical.
- What's typical? I thought you said I was gonna have the big finish this time.
It was supposed to be my turn afterwards.
- It's never your turn.
- Well, no, that's Bandits.
- If only someone had warned us.
- Yeah, well, you snore.
Galavant - 01x04 Comedy Gold I've got something else you can do with your hands.
I cannot believe My Queen is cheating on me with that joker.
He's a jester, sir.
I know he's a jester, Gareth.
I was insulting him by calling him a joker, like when you call someone a clown.
- But people like clowns.
- Damn it, man! Would you just let me vent?! I think I know why Madalena likes him more than me.
He's funny.
How do I compete with that? Well, funny's easy.
I mean, I'm funny.
Really? - Yeah.
Knock, knock.
- Who's there? He's a you thing up you in the chair with the and knees is taking it out that son Good Lord, Gareth.
Do you kiss my ring with that mouth? My mum taught me that one.
Now, if that fool is tickling my wife's funny bone, it leaves me no choice.
I know what I have to do.
Hello, jester.
Do you think I'm an idiot? I know precisely what you have been doing with my wife.
Aah! It's a bendy sword.
Isn't that fantastic? Oh! Not even a giggle.
See, this is precisely why I need your help.
Please teach me to be funny.
I'm begging you.
- Gah! - Ohh! - Oh! - Aah! Even when you know it bends, you still think whoa! Please tell me you hid the jewel.
Of course I hid the jewel In a place where no one will ever find it.
Uh, excuse me.
Where are you taking us? The pirate king will decide your fate.
"I don't care what road we choose.
I'm Galavant.
- I get to eat the raisins.
" - "I'm Isabella.
I chew with my mouth open like a cow working on a fresh cud.
" I have a deviated septum.
I told you that.
I can't breathe through my nose.
If I chew with my mouth closed, I'd get no air.
Do you want me to die? Well Wait.
What are pirates doing miles from the ocean? I'm so sorry.
Am I missing something? Where's your boat? I'll be asking the questions around here.
Arr! Actually, go ahead.
I didn't have a question ready.
Um don't you need a boat to be pirates? You're on land.
- Land ho! - Carl, stop it.
All you need to be a pirate is a dark heart and a wicked disregard for other people's lives.
And swords.
Of course swords.
That goes without saying.
Everyone knows pirates need swords.
- What about a hook hand? - Parrots? Peg legs.
- Land ho! - I said stop it! Maybe it'll be easier to explain in a pirate shanty.
Ho Ho We're cruel and vicious pirate men As hard and tough as brass By far the fearsomest buccaneers To ever walk on grass - We pillage here - And plunder there We rage from dusk till dawn we hoist the anchor and swab the deck Then gather for drinks on the lawn We're the lords of the sea Except we aren't at sea We're the lords of the sea Just not of the actual sea Arr Now, how we ended up here, 'tis a dire and dreadful tale The kind to leave the meanest rogue a-puking o'er the rail So fateful, so accursed Such a stroke of evil luck our ship washed up on that thar hill And hey, I guess it stuck so now we hold the river here by brutal, violent force We've also taken up gardening - Sustainably - Of course we make you pay to cross this way And squeeze you till it hurts And on the side, we sell a line Of homemade organic desserts We're the lords of the sea Though, technically, next to the sea We're the lords of the sea Or sort of "of the se-e-a"! So, now we live here, and we rob any passersby.
- Which brings us back to you.
- Please, sir.
We're merely poor travelers with nothing worth taking.
Hey, captain.
Look what I found.
Oh, for the love of g in your purse? That's where you thought no one would look for it? I put it with my girls' supplies.
Guys never look there.
They must have sisters.
Poor travelers, huh? Well, what do we have here? It's a jewel.
I know it's a jewe you know what? You're having a time-out.
Go to your tent.
Don't you give me that look.
Comedy lessons.
Let's begin.
I'm sorry.
What is that noise? It's my bells, sire.
I'm terrified.
Don't be.
I already told you I've decided not to kill you.
I mean, not that I don't want to.
In fact, it would be mondo satisfying to cut your face off and sew it back on inside out.
Nah, I'll stick with my first plan.
Teach me to be funny so I can woo my wife.
Whatever you say, My King.
Comedy is easy once you know the basics Starting with the concept of surprise Right.
Take what folks think, give it a wink You try it on now for size - Me? - Yeah.
He was surprised.
Uh - Comedy gold - Really? I'm telling you, it's comedy gold Yes.
You're killing it If that doesn't slay 'em I'll murder you cold Swear to God, it's comedy gold Well, our work here is done, so I'll just be going.
Oh, we're just getting started.
- Ah, right.
- Lesson two! Lesson number two is also fundamental Something that we call "the rule of three" Set up the joke, give it a stroke Third time, bam Yes! Now me! Three serfs walk into a bar.
The first serf orders a hot grog.
The second serf orders a hot grog.
And the third serf orders a hot grog.
But he has no money and neither do the other two because they're serfs.
Huh? Comedy gold - Yes! Nailed it! - I promise you, it's comedy gold Hilarious - The crowd will be rolling - Or heads will be rolled Oh, not with all this comedy gold More, more! Props can be a riot, ethnic humor, can't deny it Or a pratfall, if it's properly applied Depending on the viewer, take it black or work it bluer Or try an observational aside Have you ever noticed how lepers have pieces falling off of them? I mean, what's that all about? Gonna be killer Gonna be ace Folks dying of laughter all over the place And if I get desperate A pie in the face? I dare you.
Telling you, it's comedy gold Oh! You are a wonderful teacher.
Perhaps now I shall finally be able to satisfy my wife the same way you have.
My God, we've got a strange relationship.
Telling you, it's comedy gold Pirates, that's pomade.
It's for relaxing my curls, not eating.
Right, men.
Let's stow this booty in the chest.
Carl, give me the key.
Oh, come on, guys.
Not again.
These idiots really stink at being pirates.
No kidding.
It's kind of nice being on the same page, isn't it? It is nice to have a break from the relentless stream of criticism, yeah.
Maybe if you did things right, I wouldn't have to say it.
- Mouth breather.
- Egomaniac.
And it's over.
Walk with me.
Oh, right.
Of course.
Lads, could you give me a hand? Arr.
You know, we met before, at Lilith Faire, the island of Lesbos.
I looked a little different Fewer wrinkles.
More like Yes, of course.
Well, you're Peter Pillager, the pirate king.
Well, your men used to be the scourge of the seas.
What happened there? Oh.
You know how it is when you spend too much time with people.
Little things start to get to you - Oh - And before you know it, it's all about who's taken whose booty.
"It's my booty.
" "No, it's my booty.
" booty, booty, booty.
- You stopped working together.
- Big-time.
We can't even agree on how to get our ship off that damn hill.
The truth is I could do with a man like you.
So I have a proposition.
Either, "A," I kill all of you and keep that jewel and the girls' supplies.
- Why do you want the girls' supplies? - Or "B," you join me and I let your squire and that annoying little mouth breather go.
Well, in all fairness to her, only 'cause she's not here to defend herself, the mouth breathing is a medical condition, - so she can't really help it.
- Seems like a pretty simple fix to me.
Put food in mouth, close mouth, chew.
What kind of moron can't do that? Again, not to get into semantics here, but if she closes her mouth while she eats, she's literally not breathing out of anywhere.
You get used to it.
Honestly, lately, I can't fall asleep until she starts snoring.
Dude, you're making me uncomfortable.
Who are you choosing, me or the mouth breather? Call her a "mouth breather" one more time.
Mouth breather.
How did you do that? I keep trying to tell everyone Oh.
I'm not just the guy that eats the raisins.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Chef coming through.
Thank you.
This way, my lady.
Here's your table, My Queen.
What fresh idiocy does king Richard have in store for me now? Um, I'm That was rhetorical.
Chef out.
Welcome to the show! I introduce to you, without further ado, the king of comedy! Hello! Thank you very, very, very much.
Now, I understand you've all come here under threat of death, and I appreciate it.
In fact I ordered it.
Everybody laugh! What on God's flat earth is going on? Well, they say the way to a woman's heart - is through her funny bone, so - Oh, God.
Let's not do this.
Why did the king go to the dentist? To get his teeth crowned.
To get his teeth crowned.
Uh, you've heard that one.
Mm! "You might be a peasant" jokes.
If you have more children than teeth, you might be a peasant.
Is this thing on? Ugh.
He's dying out there.
Give him the pie.
Now?! That's the big finale.
Damn it, man, look at the poor bastard.
Give him the pie.
If your toilet is a tree, then you might be She laughed! It worked! She laughed! Quick, give me more pies so I can keep hitting Gareth in the face.
Or someone else.
I-I can pie someone else.
You're a fool.
When my men see me captive, they will swarm on you like hornets.
No, hornets was better.
Well, you can let them try, but I'll be damned if I'm letting my team end up like yours.
So I'm gonna rescue them, rouse us to work together, defeat your hold on.
Oh, for the love of Mike, what happened? Sid was right.
It was time to stop bickering and work together.
So we did, and we overthrew the camp.
You missed an amazing battle, better than anything at castle black.
Well, FYI, I was also gonna come back, and I was gonna suggest that we start working together, too, - wasn't I? Tell them.
- Oh, please, stop.
This whole time, I've been saying that I was gonna - This is all a little humiliating.
- You know what? Doesn't matter.
I know we've been driving each other crazy, but I think we've got something really good going on here.
I mean, look at us We're gorgeous, very diverse.
I think if we pull it together, we could do something great, legendary even.
What do you say? We are diverse.
Super diverse.
I remember when we had something special.
I miss us.
Now, look, either we can take your pirate supplies The swords, the hooks - Parrots.
- Booty.
- Peg legs.
- Girls' supplies.
Yes, yes, all of it, or we can work together to get your ship off that hill and you can take us to Valencia.
What do you say? Did I just cut your hand? Yes.
Very badly.
Where are you going? It's time for 4:00 fool-around.
Is it? M-my sundial must be slow because of the c-clouds.
If you're worried I'm upset about you helping my husband with that ridiculous show, then don't be.
Who cares? He's an idiot.
Yes, well, that's the thing.
I don't think I can do this anymore.
I guess I just feel a little guilty.
Well, that's very noble of you to care about someone's feelings.
Guards! If you're developing a conscience, then you're no good to me.
Take him to the dungeon, the really scary one.
With the mice.
Wait, no! Please! At least let me change my clothes! These are gang colors! Oh, hello.
I was just coming to see Steve.
Who's Steve? Steve McKinzie.
The jester.
You don't know his name? Well, no matter.
Say, what do you call a tiny mosquito in a tin suit? - Oh, God.
- Nope.
A gnat in shining armor.
- I've got so many of these.
- Please stop talking.
No, I love talking with you.
Right, you maggots! Let's get this boat off the hill.
What? It's just nice to hear you call us "maggots" again.
You've always been maggots in here.
Arr! Prepare the lines! we heave together, we ho together All working toe to toe together Ahoy, look out below together! Run away! Run away! Now off together, we'll cruise together With pirate stuff we'll use together Guys, we should get tattoos together Arr! And, together, look what we can do Together we're one scurvy crew - Together, we're not bad - It's true My God, just get a room, you two.
Togetherness will see us through to the end Land ho! "Land ho," indeed, Carl.
Gal Can I call you "Gal"? Uh, well, I don't love it.
I have to talk to you.
I feel a little guilty about something.
Actually, so do I.
I stashed a bag of trail mix before we left.
Raisins intact.
Really? Knock yourself out.
And feel free to eat with your mouth open.
It's not as gross as I make it out to be.
I mean, it's gross, but it's not gross-gross.
Listen, Galavant, I think the reason I've been so difficult recently is that I was villainizing you so I felt better about myself.
I'm probably signing my parents' death warrant by telling you this, but I lied.
I'm leading you into a trap.
Galavant? We're almost there.
Did you hear anything I just said? Sorry.
I don't always listen when you talk.
I will get better at that.
What were you saying, something about your parents or something? I'm looking forward to seeing them.
Yeah, parents are the best.
Godspeed, pirates! To Valencia! Arr! I'm coming, my love.

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