Galavant (2015) s02e03 Episode Script

Aw, Hell, the King

This was a hallway! Hallway, hallway, hallway, my room, fireplace! This is where I kept my formal crowns, my casual crowns, my "just for fun" crowns.
Yes, this is definitely where my castle was! Okay, are we done? Because I either need to find your army or I need to go and find another one so I can go and save Isabella.
Oh, relax, chisel chin.
You'll get my army.
I just have to figure out where they went, and if they took my castle with them.
Strangest thing I-I know I've never seen this village before, and yet somehow it seems oddly familiar to me.
I say, peasant, I have a question, and please don't get all star-struck because I'm speaking to you directly.
No way! It's you! I know.
You're flustered.
Guys, look, it's Sir Galavant, the famous knight! Hello.
What a thrill! Is there perhaps someone else here you recognize? MaybeYour king? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Greetings, lowly ones! It is I, King Richard! I have returned! Good to see you again.
So, I have a question.
What the hell happened to my castle?! Yeah, we, uh We sort of tore it down to make homes and shops for everybody.
Oh, well, that would explain the familiarity.
You knocked it down?! I demand you rebuild it immediately, or I will have every one of you drawn and quartered and What's going on? W-why are they not scurrying to do my bidding? Oh, well, here's the thing.
When you left us to go in search of the Jewel of Valencia, we didn't hear anything for a really long time.
All right, that's fair.
That's on me.
I should've sent a pigeon or two.
Yeah, but while you were away, we realized that a king is only a king if the people say he is.
And if they don't, well, he's just a man with a metal hat who's only in charge because his father wore a metal hat before him, which is pretty crazy if you think about it.
You know, he's He's got a point.
It is pretty crazy.
So, then we came together and asked ourselves, "what if there was a different way of doing things? A better way? A fairer way?" Oh, no.
I know what's coming.
We've been trying something new in the dominion Since you went away With no king upon the throne We've all been left alone To build a new tomorrow here today Right.
What if every single soul with an opinion Got to have their say? If on every point of note, we simply took a vote We'd build a new tomorrow here today - So, the butcher gets a vote? - Yep! - The baker gets a vote? - Yep! And everyone who couldn't vote before - Except, of course, the women - And we won't let him or him in - We mean everybody else - Except the poor - Progressive for the middle ages.
- Eh.
Then we vote on every pressing public question - Either - Yay! - Or - Nay! - Nice.
- Everybody gets to choose Except the you-know-whos As we build a new tomorrow here today If you'd like to make a statement or suggestion - Simply stand - Oh! - And hey! - Him?! Every person counts the same Except, of course, the lame - And the lepers - And the gingers - And the witches - And the Heathens - And the bastards - And the Gypsies - And the commies - And the hippies As we build a new tomorrow A fair and square tomorrow A more aware tomorrow here today So, we all will march together towards the future Well, not all per se Just the ones who look like me It's called democracy-y-y-y-y - The landed - And the wealthy - And the pious - And the healthy - And the straight ones - and the pales ones And we only mean the males ones If you're all of the above, then you're ok-a-a-a-ay As we build a new tomorrow Here tod-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ay Well, that is intriguing Voting who to fight.
If you're about to bring up looking for an army again, I swear to God, I will freak out because I just lost my [Bleep.]
castle! Touchy.
Galavant S02E03 Aw, Hell, The King Hello, my friend.
Richard! Surprise! What are you doing here? Oh, just thought I'd pop in for a visit.
Come here, you.
Give us a hug.
My favorite crown.
Don't worry.
I'll get it.
What the hey, Gareth? Aah! Oh, bloody hell.
Not again! That is the third time this week the king has woken me because of his screaming! I think he's having bad dreams, My Queen.
I want you to fix it.
How do I do that? Not my problem.
What is my problem is his screaming is interrupting my beauty sleep, and do you know what happens when a queen loses her beauty sleep? She can sleep in later because she's a queen and she can do whatever she wants? She could get a wrinkle.
And if she gets a wrinkle She'll make sure you get a wrinkle.
On your neck! I'm sorry.
I'm not being very clear.
I'm really tired.
What I'm trying to say is if you don't fix it, I'll cut your throat.
Okay? Nighty-night.
I never loved you, Isabella.
" "But I don't understand, Galavant.
" "Too bad, sucker.
I'm outie.
" Play it again.
Oh, apologies, My Lady, but do you really think it's healthy to keep reliving this breakup with Galavant? I said, play it again.
"I'm Galavant, the jerkiest jerk in all the land!" Excuse us, Jester.
May we have a moment with our daughter? Oh, thank God.
Sweetheart As you know, we're very sorry about Galavant ditching you.
He dropped you like a plague rat.
But it's been several days, and that biological sundial of yours continues to grow long - if you know what I mean.
- You're 25! My mother was a great-grandmother by then! And while we're happy you agreed to be forced to marry your cousin, maybe it's time to start making some decisions, hmm? At least meet the wedding planner.
He's very excited to meet you.
I don't care about any of it if I'm not marrying someone I love.
Oh, sweetheart! Marriage isn't about love! Let me introduce you to Mr.
Wormwood! Princess Isabella, how delightful.
Chester Wormwood of Wormwood Weddings and Events.
I'm here solely to serve your every wish and desire.
This is our new Rec Center.
We're very proud of it.
Those curtains used to be my sheets.
I know because I had the R's embroidered with the plucked hairs of all the kingdom's redheads! You'll find we've turned everything from the castle into something for the common good.
Are you sure you're not planning some big surprise where you're gonna wheel away some huge wagon to reveal you've rebuilt my castle but only better, huh? Sorry, buddy.
Ah! Oh! "Buddy!" Oh, great.
That's what it is now.
It's not "My King" or "Your Worship" or "Your Highness.
" It's "buddy.
" God! I have a question.
Do you still have an army? A citizen's army, yeah.
I'd like to use it to invade Hortensia.
Absolutely not.
Really? Well, hang on.
I thought this was a democracy.
Aren't you supposed to let the people decide? Oh, yeah.
Tell you what, there's a town-hall meeting tonight where anybody can bring up new business.
- Why don't you give it a shot there? - Okay.
Now, I can't imagine a free people ever voting to send an army into an open-ended foreign conflict which profits only the few.
That would be madness.
Well, s-sure.
But you're forgetting one thing.
This smile.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
It's nice, isn't it? Help, help! - That's my tunic! - Get off, get off! Sir, have you been having bad dreams? Who's been telling you I'm having bad dreams? The queen! She's heard you screaming at night and wants me to help! - Come here.
- Oh, God, this is it! Shut up! I'm not gonna kill ya! Yes, okay.
I've been having bad dreams about King Richard.
I don't know what to do.
Well, when I was younger, I had a recurring nightmare.
But then my mom helped me figure out what it meant, and it went away.
No, this is more complicated than that.
It's more of a riddle.
I'm always holding king Richard's crown! He's accusing me of betraying him.
Yeah, that's a real enigma.
Do you think that maybe you're feeling I don't know A littleGuilty? What's "guilty"? Oh, um When you feel bad about what you've done.
That's not a thing! I'm wasting my time talking to you! What do you think? How about "die for the guy who wants his gal"? See, "Gal" is a play on your name, and it rhymes.
Yeah, I think it's good.
I just think it's a bit dumb for me.
Oh, oh, but it's not too dumb for me? Can't even write a slogan for a stupid election.
I'm not a writer.
I'm not a castle owner.
I'm not a king.
Do we have to do this again? Do what? Realize I'm in the darkest hour of my soul?! Just go win your stupid election.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Galavant.
- It's an honor.
Are all the stories true? Hi.
King Richard.
Or is it just "Richard"? Honestly, I have no idea what I am.
Ooh! If I were a jolly blacksmith What a happy guy I'd be I would do all kinds of blacksmith stuff In my blacksmithery I would hit the thing with the other thing Till I made a different thing If I were a jolly blacksmith No, I'm not feeling it.
Besides, I'd get filthy.
There must be something better.
Ooh! If I were a friendly farmer Wouldn't that be, oh, so sweet? I'd be planting greens and lots of beans And other things to eat Then I'd plant some eggs, then a couple pigs Then a yummy chocolate cake No, that's not right.
Besides, any moron can plant a cake.
I want to be special, needed, liked.
I've got it! If I were a merry brewer That would be a grand career I would pick the grapes and peel the grapes And stomp them into beer Damn it! I don't know how to do anything except be a king.
No one wants me to be a king.
If I'm just a jolly nothing What am I supposed to do? I don't have a skill, no niche to fill No one to come home to Don't know where to go Don't know how to fit Don't know who to even be If I were a jolly Tailor Juggler Barber Wet nurse Cesspool worker Ugh, what difference does it make? I would still be me Ah, thank you.
Ah, Barry, the princess is on her way.
Now, remember, not a word about my plan.
The wedding plan? I thought that's why she's coming.
No, the evil plan, you idiot The one to control her mind with this enchanted tiara and take over the kingdom.
I thought that was the scheme.
No, the scheme is the colors.
I'm confused.
Barry, I swear to God Okay, for Clarity's sake, from now on, we'll call it "The Wedding Plan," "The Evil Plot," and "The Color Scheme.
" Got it? Good.
Oh, she's here.
Be cool.
Princess Isabella! How delightful.
Let's just get this over with.
I don't care, I don't care, and I don't care.
Decisions made.
Let's go.
Mother, I may have agreed to get married, but I'm not going to be happy about it.
Oh, but, my dear, I have so much planned for you.
Trust me, this is going to be fun.
First, we get to choose invitations Make a list of distant relations Then we can decide on bridesmaids You need about 20 You're joking? Tell me he's joking.
Please? Next, we'll try on dozens of dresses Settle on a 'do for your tresses And we're well on our way To the happiest day of your life Right, so, if we're just Yeah.
- We'll pick your florist - La, la, la, la, la, la And then select a manicurist La, la, la, la, la, la You'll want to register at all the top stalls Within the town walls - No doubt - Kill me now.
Next on the checklist We'll get you braceletted and necklaced Just wait and see it's gonna be like the wedding We've always dreamed about Please, God, make it stop.
Then we'll have to spruce up the venue - Figure out a 30-course menu - This is insane.
Find a guy to draw some pictures You're going to want plenty La, la, la, la la, la-la-la Plus, we must audition some bands, too Choose the song you'll do your first dance to The whole stupid cliché On the happiest day of your life Ugh.
Can't believe this.
And up on your head La, la, la, la, la, la Glowing right above your forehead La, la, la, la, la, la You will wear this little present from me Enchanted to steal your soul Unh! And once it's on you La, la, la, la, la, la It will cast a spell upon you La, la, la, la, la, la You'll do everything I tell you to do And ruling through you I'll seize full command Get rid of the prince Install my own men Take over the throne Till I'm in complete Nothing to see here.
Move along.
What are you all standing around for? We've got an affair to break ground for There's so much to do Guess who is becoming a wife True, my husband's only 11 Still, the wedding's gonna be heaven Go and get my bouquet It's the happiest day of my life Cousin Harry will pay It's the happiest day of my life Now you're under my sway It's the happiest day of my life - La, la, la, la, la, la - Unh! All those in favor of moving the drinking well away from the graveyard say, "yea.
" Yea! Yea! Yea! Yea! So, they would prefer to decide their fate by majority opinion rather than being ruled by me, whose right to kingship was passed down from ancestors said to be a god and a mermaid.
What are you? The town drunk? I wish.
At least then I'd know what I was supposed to be.
That position was already taken.
Lucky bastard.
Right, that concludes all old business, uh, but I do believe we have one bit of new business.
Galavant, the floor is yours.
I've come to ask to take your army to Hortensia to rescue my one true love.
Who? Madalena? No.
Didn't you already do this? I don't think I'm quite explaining this properly.
You see, Isabella is actually being held hostage.
We know.
In Valencia.
Uh, no.
Again, that's Madalena.
Isabella is in Hortensia.
I don't think he knows what he's talking about.
No, I do.
You're just not listening.
It's true love, people.
I just need your vote.
Please? Uh, die for the guy who loves his gal? Boo! Can you hear yourself? - Look, hey, listen - Hero?! More like zero! You suck! I can't believe what I'm hearing! Standing before you is a man of noble intention, a man who knows what his purpose is To be a hero! And I admire that.
While I am no longer your king Unless, of course, you'd like to put it to a quick vote? All in favor? Yes? Anyone? Hmm? No? Fine.
But if I were still your king, I would force every one of you to join this man's army, not because I was a tyrant and a terrible leader who hosted baby fights, which I now realize is weird and not that entertaining, even after the addition of the cobra, but because true love is rare and worth fighting for.
It is life's greatest purpose.
So As someone who is "not" your king I ask Who will join this fight for true love? I will join, King Richard! Well, there we go.
That's a good start.
Who's next? Anyone at all? Well, this is certainly uncomfortable.
Aah! You did this to me! Aah! Shh! Are you trying to get me killed?! I saw his head! It was right there! And it was giving me that look.
My King, I think I know what's going on.
Richard was your friend.
And, yes, you took his throne and his queen and his kingdom and his favorite shirts and his weekly bridge game Oh, get on with it! But the fact you feel bad about it is a good thing.
It means you're actually, surprisingly, human.
Maybe I do feel guilty.
I do miss the old bastard.
Look, there was one other thing my mother used to do for my dreams.
Good dreams only Good dreams only Bad dreams out of his head It's time tonight For dreams of fright To leave this little boy's bed There's one more in there.
So, what now? I'm off to Hortensia to rescue Isabella, recruit some soldiers along the way, and after that, march to Valencia to reclaim her kingdom.
Well, I have a surprise.
Your old pal Rick's gonna join you! What? No.
No, no, no, no.
You said you were gonna stay here and figure out who you are.
And I did.
I realized I'm the guy who's going to help you rescue Isabella.
Even though, technically, I'm the guy who started the whole disaster.
So, what do you say? Why not? Awesome! You, me, Roberta.
Oh, this is Roberta, by the way.
Do you remember her from from the election? She stood up, pledged to join me.
Watch this.
Oh, Roberta? Yes, My King? She calls me "king.
" Oh, my God.
Oh, this is gonna be so much fun! No, it's not.
Well, we should probably go.
I stole these horses and just set fire to the Rec Center.
Dismantle my castle, will you? Princess Isabella, isn't there something you might want to say? Good news, everyone! I've set a date for my wedding.
It's in six weeks, and you're all invited! Does something seem different about Princess Isabella? Who cares? She's getting married! Boom! Boom!
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