Gamer's Guide To Pretty Much Everything (2015) s01e02 Episode Script

The Gaming Club

Hey, gamers, if you wanna go pro with your team, you need to find time to practice at school.
That's the struggle.
Did you know they expect us to go to school five days a week? Every week.
For, like, most of the year.
Anyway, we've had to get a little creative about how we sneak in practice.
I can't believe we're gaming in the janitor's closet.
I think that's literally the trashcan that Bernie dumps puke in.
Don't worry.
I'm sure he empties it out every Nope, it's full of puke! What are you guys doing? We just found a trashcan full of puke! Cool.
Guys, our days of sneaking in gaming practice are over.
The school's charter says, "Any students with a shared interest can be recognized as an official athletic club.
" That would be so exciting if I knew what that meant.
It means, once Principal Nordahl signs off on our e-sports club, we can game instead of going to gym.
Oh, thank you, sir.
No gym means no more cruel towel snapping on this tender boy's behind.
Hey, I snap, you cry, I laugh.
Everybody wins.
Oh, look.
Bernie must've brought his doggie to work.
Why do you think it has this tail like a big old possum? Maybe because it is a big old possum? Awesome, dude.
You threw him right in the puke can.
So he told me it was either him or the cat.
So I took Mr.
Fiddles and I went straight home.
Is Mr.
Fiddles the man or the cat? We will finish discussing this important school matter - at a later time, Janice.
- Principal Nordahl, can I talk to you about an incredible opportunity for this school? - You betcha.
- All right.
Well well well.
If it isn't Wendell Ruckus.
Last time I saw you was seven years ago when you checked out Worm With A Perm.
You are looking at the biggest fine in school history Wendell.
I returned that book.
You must've lost it.
I ain't payin' for your mistake Janice.
It's right in the school's charter.
Section J, paragraph 3B.
Oh, yeah, the rule that allows kids to bring cows as prom dates.
That was put in there in the 1800's when there was a lot more cows than kids.
I meant paragraph 3C.
Ooh, you wanna start a sports club.
I don't know.
Well, not just any sports club.
An e-sports club.
See, video games are the fastest-growing sport in the world.
Colleges are now even offering gaming scholarships.
- Well, milk my prom date! - Even our rivals, West Yuba High, have a gaming club.
But of course, everybody knows they're way more elite than we are.
Hush your mouth! We are way more elite than those dirty Yubans.
We have the tallest flagpole in the district.
Then are you gonna stand tall like that glorious flagpole, and help us form the Mondale High Gaming Club? You're darn tootin' I am.
You can use the AV room.
It has all the latest equipment.
Yes! I did it.
What did I do? This is the school's latest equipment?! This computer's from, like, the 1990's! That's probably the computer they used on the Mayflower.
I just set up our school's first e-sports match with West Yuba High.
Those guys are good at everything.
We'll never beat them with this junk.
What does this thing even do? Uh-oh.
I think you've angered it.
Ooh! I know what this is.
It's one of those old-timey ribbon winders.
Hey, kids, today we're gonna learn about your changing bodies.
Get ready to climb aboard the puberty train.
Puberty train! Why'd you do that? I had some questions for that train.
We can't game with this junk.
I'm gonna go talk to Nordahl.
So this is where we're gaming? Nice.
Hey, my old desk.
- "Noobs stink"? - Ha! Classic Wendell.
Oh, no.
My library book.
"Worm With A Perm.
" I guess you're gonna have to tell the librarian that you had it all along.
That's exactly what I'm not gonna do.
I'm gonna sneak in and return it so she can see once and for all that she was wrong! - But she wasn't wrong.
- Oh, but Janice doesn't know that.
- You coming, Franklin? - Oh, in a minute.
Our first train stop is Thereshairtheresberg.
Hello, Wendell.
- Come to pay your fine? - I'm not paying the fine.
I told you, I already returned the book.
Really? Then why are you acting so nervous? You got the sweats.
Your nostrils are flaring.
You got the squirrely eyes.
Maybe it's these skinny jeans.
I'm jammed in there like a walrus in a sleeping bag.
I've seen this before.
- You've got borrower's remorse.
- No, I'm just uh, uh taking a walk.
See? Yeah, yeah, taking a walk.
Is that a crime? I don't think so.
Now cheese off, Janice! Look at all this stuff.
Wireless headsets, 4K monitors! Customized controllers.
When I told Nordahl we had a match against West Yuba, she went crazy and got us all this gear.
Where'd she get the money? These are the pit sniffers that took the money from our PE budget.
I'm guessing she got it from the PE budget.
We's needed that dough to buy new balls.
- What's wrong with those balls? - They're broken.
Just like youse guys is gonna be.
You made a big mistake stealing from me and my crew.
- You're gonna pay.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
There's gotta be a way to settle this.
- How about we play a video game? - Not gonna happen.
All right, Doyle, then we shall battle it out like the great warriors of history.
With a spelling bee.
- First word: debutante.
- D-E-B-U-T-A-N-T-E.
Okay, I guess you don't need the country of origin then.
I was thinkin' somethin' a little more physical in nature, like, oh, I don't know, Doyleball.
2:00 p.
If we's win, we get to sell your gear to buy some sweet new balls.
And if we's win, we're keepin' our equipment, and youse guys will leave us alone.
- You're on.
- Bring on the Doyleball, huh? - What the heck is Doyleball? - It's like dodgeball.
But with high-pressured air cannons.
We're so dead.
I, Franklin Delgado, hereby bequeath my pet turtle, Beyoncé to my future wife Beyoncé.
We're all clear.
Operation Return the Worm is a go.
Eeh Copy that, Night Wolf.
Why did I bring a pick ax? Night Wolf out! Who would put a trashcan here?! Hey, don't worry, guys.
They're just trying to intimidate us.
What we have to do is Guys? Guys! Get back here.
All right, there might be a lot more of them than us, but we've got something they can't overcome.
Good point.
These pythons are ready to strike! And if need be, I'll break out the mongoose.
- What's the mongoose - Don't ask.
No, Wendell, we've got strategy.
And that always beats strength.
Check it out.
This gym is laid out just like the Hangar 18 map - from Call of Honor 2: Honor the Call.
- Good point, sir.
And remember, in war, morale is everything.
You don't wanna be the first one taken out, so just - Doyleball commence! - Game on.
Wendell, draw their fire.
Got 'em! Ashley, get the camper.
Grenade out! Yes! Why?!! Time out, time out, time out, time out.
"Time out?" The Doyleball rule book, subsection 9C states, maintain hydration, and Doyle calls all time outs.
All right, guys, we got 'em right where we want 'em.
Man, I'm having a great day.
I've almost single-handedly won this match, and I returned my book to the library - without Janice knowing.
- Nice work.
How'd you manage to get a new bar code label? - I'm sorry, a new what now? - You see, three years ago, the library switched over to a bar code system.
If you didn't put a bar code on the book, she'll know you snuck it back on the shelf.
Ah, meatbags! Now I gotta get it before she finds it.
- Good luck, noobs.
- Wait.
The game's not over.
It is for me! Time in.
Ooh, got him right in the mongoose.
All right, it's all here.
You got the special edition consoles, wireless headsets, - and 4K monitors.
- Sweet.
Look at all this stuff.
We can trade this stuff for more than just a few balls.
We can get a case of new jockstraps.
This gaming gear is worth thousands of dollars! Those better be some pretty nice jockstraps! You know it.
Later, pit sniffers.
There goes our chance at beating West Yuba High.
Wait, how was you gonna beat West Yuba? We were supposed to compete against their gaming club this Friday.
We never beat them at nothin'.
I'd do anything to beat those dirty Yubinians.
Really? Is that right? You know, our kill-to-death ratio is twice as high as theirs.
Get outta here.
No way.
Are you serious? You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? Not presently.
We have a chance to make school history.
And by giving us our equipment back, you can be out there with us, shoulder to shoulder, heart to heart.
Youse mean actually out there playing the game? No, you'd be watching from a safe distance away, but still If youse win, can we get one of those banners that would hang in our gym all forever-like? Totally forever-like.
Then here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna take this gear, and us Roosters are gonna beat those Yubinians! Yeah, we are.
Now crow it out with me, bro! Okay, that is one crazy pit sniffer.
Whoo! Okay.
Bar code.
She'll never know I was here.
Eat a bag of rocks, Janice.
Oh, hey, Janice.
Uh, looking fine.
Would you look here? It's Worm With A Perm, with a bar code and everything.
Nice try, book crook.
You think I wouldn't recognize a bar code from a can of Tabby Chow? You're picking up every one of these books, but first, you're paying your fine.
Let's see.
With penalties, compound the interest, carry the three.
- You owe $7,321.
- Oh, man.
My parents are gonna kill me.
What's this fine print? That's not important.
Just pay the fine.
It says, "The borrower has the option of paying the fine or paying for a new book.
" Wanna tell me how much that book costs, Janice? Three dollars and twenty-five cents.
Let's do that.
Break a 50? Ladies and gentlemen, electricity is in the air as the West Yuba High gaming club takes on your Mondale High Roosters! Now give it up for your gaming star, Conor! And his teammates, Ashley, Franklin - and Wendy! - You know it's Wendell, Janice.
Gamers, get ready.
All right, guys, huddle up.
Before we jump into battle, I think our fearless leader should say something.
- Thanks, Franklin.
- He was talking to Conor.
Oh, the co-leader! Yeah.
Go ahead.
Wow, I've never had to address a team before.
If we lose, we won't be able to practice at school, which means we'll never succeed as a team, and our dreams of being a professional gaming clan will be over.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't lose.
Let the game begin! It was awesome.
First match as a team, and the school was behind us - all the way.
- Are we winning? I don't even know.
West Yuba was a worthy opponent.
But we had something they didn't have.
And me.
I mean, I was on the cover of Inside Gamer magazine last year, so Unbelievable! For the first time ever, at anything, Mondale beats Yuba! Mondale beats Yuba! Soak it up, guys.
- It doesn't get any better than this.
- Yeah! Aw, man.
See, this is why we can't have nice things.
Ready to hang the banner, Principal Nordahl? I have been waiting for this ride my whole life.
Up I go! Today, we dedicate this banner in honor of our school's first victory over our rivals, West Yuba High! Soar like the mighty rooster! Cock-a-doodle-do! I don't think she's close enough to the hook.
Oh, I can get it.
I just need to lean a little Go, Roosters.
Poor soul.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode