Garfield and Friends (1988) s06e07 Episode Script

The Pie-Eyed Piper/Sweet Tweet Treat/Fine Feathered Funnyman

(Narrator) Ladies and gentlemen, Garfield and Friends. (drumroll)
We're. (All) We're. ♪
Ready. (All) Ready. ♪
To. (All) To. ♪
We're ready to party
We're ready
I hope you bring lots of spaghetti ♪
Come on in, come to the place ♪
Where fun never ends
Come on in, it's time to party ♪
With Garfield and Friends
Dancing Fiesta
Romancing Siesta
Samba La bamba
Ay caramba
Disguises Disguises
Surprises Surprises
And pies of
And pies of all sizes
Come on in, come to the place ♪
Where fun never ends
Come on in, it's time to party ♪
With Garfield and Friends
Come on in, it's time to party ♪
With Garfield and Friends
Garfield and Friends
This show is the answer,
unfortunately no one's figured out the question yet.
(dance music)
(string music)
Thank you, thank you for that lovely seated ovation.
Tonight I shall read the great poem,
The Pied Piper of Hamelin, by some poet guy.
The Pied Piper by some poet guy.
A couple hundred years ago in Hamelin by the bay
there was a lovely city where the children were at play.
The food was great in Hamelin,
almost all the travel books agreed that Hamelin
had the best in fine Italian cooks.
The cuisine was the very best
the people grew and thrived
until the day one summer when the rodents all arrived.
No one knows where they came from
nor what caused the sudden boom
but soon the town was swarming with a rat in every room.
The mice were in the buildings,
in the churches, in the schools,
they filled the local marketplace
and all the swimming pools.
You'd open up a cupboard and you'd find them in your grub
when someone tried to take a bath
the mice would share the tub.
The worst of it was that the chefs
could not make food to please.
You cannot cook Italian when the rodents take your cheese.
The people stormed the castle
and were brief and most concise.
Demanding that the king should act
to rid their town of mice.
Alas the people had a king as craven as could be
who never ever would accept responsibility.
The timid James II more evasive than a bird
would not admit involvement in the birth of James III.
And as with any problem his reaction was the same.
You needn't find solutions if you find someone to blame.
(Garfield) The king called his advisors
and they huddled to determine
just whom to hold responsible for getting rid of vermin.
The king explained the goal was not
to stop the mice assault.
I need someone that I can hold completely and at fault.
(Garfield) They studied all the choices,
all the scapegoats and the bafoons,
and picked a man named Jon who was a maker of cartoons.
They brought him to the king who told
this lowly illustrator.
From now on your new title is the town exterminator.
The young man said.
I know the mice are most unwelcome guests
but I know not the first thing about getting rid of pests.
I promise to support your plans.
The royal coward said.
Just do the job and do it well
and you'll not lose your head.
The king took to his balcony
and regally decreed that Jon would drive the mice away
with all apparent speed.
He then fled to his throne room
feeling sorry for the shnook, for Jon was on the hot seat
and the king was off the hook.
At first the people welcomed Jon
some sparse applause and cheers,
but then they all went running when he asked for volunteers.
Without a single ally, no assistants or advice,
the one named Jon set out to rid the village of the mice.
He tried to chase the rodents but they only chased him back
there were too many mice for Jon to mount a true attack.
He tried to set up traps for them,
they mocked his sad attempt.
The mice laughed at him all the day
and even while he dreamt.
He tried each store bought product,
every mice controlling spray.
And not a single one of them drove one small mouse away.
The people started to complain, Jon's mood was very down
the day a handsome stranger chanced to venture into town.
The stranger's fame preceded him,
the honors and the glory.
And why'd it take so long to get a cat into this story?
My name is The Pied Piper, I play horn and I'm a dancer.
Jon asked.
Why do they call you Pied?
The cat said here's your answer.
You have a rodent problem, let me lay an offer on ya.
I'll solve it if you'll pay me in spaghetti and lasagna.
The king will surely pay that price.
Thought Jon with gratitude.
To get rid of the mice for just some cheap Italian food.
And so the deal was confirmed,
both parties satisfied.
The Piper took his pipe out and of course was quickly pied.
His music had two strange effects
in different neighborhoods
it caused the mice to get in step
while humans threw baked goods.
The rodents were all victims of his musical harang.
Most humans held their ears in pain
and hurled a mean meringue.
In spite of that he went to work throughout the afternoon,
the Piper danced around the town and played his catchy tune.
The rats came in all sizes from the skinny to the wide
and fell in step behind the one continually pied.
From everywhere in Hamelin,
mice were dancing from their holes.
The Piper kept on playing,
dodging bagels, cakes, and rolls.
And soon he gathered all of the mice
in many shades and colors.
They put the Piper to the test,
he passed with flying crullers.
He led the mice right out of town
the people started cheering the minute that they realized
the mice were disappearing.
But none was quite as happy as the lad the king recruited.
He'd solved the mouse dilemma without getting executed.
But when he went to tell the king
they owed the cat a meal, he found his highness not inclined
to honor any deal.
The king said.
You may think it cheap for driving off the mice,
but go and tell your Piper that I will not pay his price.
To do so would be to admit I had to get a hand,
the people must believe their king was fully in command.
He had the young man dragged away and ordered a parade.
While Jon went down to tell the cat
he'd not be getting paid.
I promised you lasagna, but the king won't pay your fee.
The Piper wasn't too surprised,
he said leave this to me.
When I play the forbidden notes, and this is not a boast,
I'll take away the beings that this town will miss the most.
He made a strange adjustment to the valves upon his pipe
and started in to play a tune of some uncanny type.
The young man had a scary thought
and he was hurt to say.
You're going to take the children
of the village all away.
The Piper stopped his brand new tune
and said you must be deaf.
Who needs a bunch of children, I want every pasta chef.
And so the Piper played the song which quickly overtook
each citizen of Hamelin who was an Italian cook.
From every pizzeria they fell in behind the kitty
who led them off to somewhere far away from Hamelin city.
The people were so angry that they overthrew the king.
The only time he'd ever taken blame for anything.
They never saw the chefs again
but this much we can tell.
Wherever the Pied Piper was he sure was eating well.
The end.
Excuse me sir.
That's what's known as burying the needle
on the wake up meter.
Oh hello, I'm Roy Rooster.
Comedy star of this cartoon.
Today I'd like to step out from behind my usual role
and talk to you about a very important subject.
Whoops, excuse me, one moment.
First time on the show I get a role with pants
and I forget to wear them.
Comedy, I am responsible for most of it on this program.
Let me show you two brief examples of my work.
This is from the episode Hiya Hun in which I convince
Wade that Atiila the Hun is attacking the farm.
Quick you gotta warn everyone, Attila the Hun is attacking!
Attila the Hun?
But he's been dead for 1500 years.
A trick to catch everyone off guard.
The Huns are attacking!
Someone has to warn Istanbul.
I'm a goner, but you must alert them.
Help, help, Attila the Hun possibly attacking!
Help oh help, Attila the Hun alert,
second time today, help oh help!
Are you gonna tell me that's not funny?
And the best part was I did it to him then
and three more times in the reruns.
Alright now, here's a rotten thing
I did to Orson last season.
Beware of the splut, the splut is coming.
What is the splut?
One quart of milk.
Five cups of flour.
Have you seen these signs that say beware of the splut?
One whole mess of sugar, uh-huh.
What is the splut?
What is what?
The splut.
I know, it's coming, I'm making a cake in honor of it.
But what is it.
What's what, Orson?
Oh nevermind, I'll ask someone else.
Bo, what do you know about this splut that's coming?
Happy splut Orson.
Now then, we all find these two scenes funny.
Why do I find them funny?
Because they didn't happen to me.
And why do you find them funny?
Because they didn't happen to you.
Now why am I telling you all this?
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
members of my fanclub, both of you,
I am giving up practical jokes.
Not by choice mind you, but by necessity.
It all began yesterday when I got a call.
Cue the flashback.
MAN: Phone call for Roy Rooster.
Tell him I'm busy.
MAN: But it's the network.
(dramatic music)
Not the network!
Hiya babe, what's happening, how are the numbers?
Let's sky to Gotham for combats.
MAN ON PHONE: Roy, this is (dramatic music) the network.
Come see us at the office, right away.
I hurried right to their offices.
You don't kid around when you get a call from the network.
Come in Roy.
Roy I'll get right to the point.
You do a lot of practical jokes on your show.
Panicking the duck, dumping food on the pig,
what was his name?
Orson right, major talent there.
Well Roy it seems we've gotten complaints about your
so called jokes.
More specifically we received a letter.
No, not a letter.
I studied it closer and there was no doubt about it,
it was a letter.
It was from a woman in Boise, Idaho
and it said.
WOMAN: Dear TV station, I find the antics
of Roy Rooster tasteless, cruel, and unfunny.
Sincerely Mrs. Edna W. Outraged.
Roy, we're in the business of pleasing viewers.
Do you know what this means?
It means you're fired.
You can't do this to me, show business is my life.
You can't cancel me, I don't want to be
a trivia question, please.
Well maybe if you cut out the practical jokes.
They're cut, they're gone.
No more pies, no more lies, no more spluts,
that's me wholesome humor Roy.
And you can stay.
And so ladies and gentlemen, from now on
you'll be seeing a different Roy here.
And now I have to get into my working clothes
and we can start this episode with the new Roy in it.
Mrs. Outraged, I hope you're happy.
Oh hi Roy, causing trouble?
Oh no, you know me Orson, I never cause trouble.
I'm packing a picnic lunch.
Oh you see that pie over there?
That pie over there?
Yes would you let me have it?
I'll let you have it.
No, I can't do that anymore, I promised the network.
Is something wrong Roy?
Just pick up the pie and let me have it.
Hi Roy, you haven't seen any scary things around here
have you?
No I haven't.
Roy what's wrong with you?
You know where the pie belongs,
now pick it up and let me have it.
No I can't live like this!
I can't do it, the strain is too much.
I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it.
Cancel me if you have to.
Stick me in a show with the Buddy Bears.
Practical joking is my life.
I don't care if you get two letters, or even three letters.
I can't stop doing it, I can't, I can't.
Roy if you feel that way,
as I said, if you feel that way
you can go back to practical joking.
Orson, it's you?
And me too.
You know Roy, you're right.
Practical jokes are a lot of fun.
As long as they happen to someone else.
Come on Roy, can't you take a joke?
It doesn't look that way.
I'll get you, you'll taste meringue,
you network imposters!
Yeah well Roy always was a very good sport.
Where's a banana when you need one?
(dance music)
I'm bored.
I'm really bored.
Boy am I bored.
Bored am I.
So bored.
For those of you who speak Spanish,
(speaking foreign language).
Really bored.
No, I don't feel like eating lasagna.
Besides, the only thing in the kitchen
is Jon's old meatloaf.
No I don't feel like taking a nap.
No no no no, I don't even feel like
kicking you off the table.
No I don't even feel like going out and chasing birds.
Chasing birds, Odie, there are times when you almost
seem to have half a brain in that doggie skull of yours.
I'll go chase birds.
Yes father dear?
I'm going to go round up something for dinner.
You go wash up and don't get into any trouble.
Yes father dear.
Oops, the bird bath is this way.
Super fast gelatin parfait dessert mix.
I think I'll make a little bird pudding.
Well what have we here?
Flap all you want birds, it won't do you any good.
It won't, hey come back here!
Come back with my dessert at least!
Hmm, hey this stuff aint bad.
Oh I hate the water but my father dear says I must wash.
The water is cold.
I will shut my little eyes very tight and just dive in.
One, two, three.
Help I'm drowning, help!
I wonder how many calories this stuff has
when you make it with bird's feet.
Help lifeguard, help, help!
Have you tried standing up?
Help I'm drowning, help, I'm I'm I'm,
well if you want to do it the easy way.
I did it, I caught a bird.
Odie I did it, I caught a bird, a for real bird.
With feathers and everything.
What am I gonna do with it?
What do you think I'm gonna do with it?
I'm gonna, how should I know I've never caught one before.
What shall I do with him?
Could I make a suggestion?
You keep out of this, you don't get a vote.
What do I do with anything?
I eat it, I watch it, or I sleep on it.
It's simple, I'll eat him.
Hey since when does anyone tell me
I can't eat what I want to eat?
Odie old pal, I want to eat the bird
and you don't want me to eat the bird.
So there's only one way to settle this.
And stay out!
Yeah and stay out.
Hey if I have to warn you one more time.
Okay, meal time birdy.
My name is Ludlow.
Your name is lunch.
No lettuce and tomato?
Lettuce and tomato, there.
No mayonnaise?
This tickles.
No pickles, ketchup, or mustard?
I wish I could stay and play sandwich with the kitty
but father dear will be looking for me.
Pretty thin sandwich without me.
I'll find him something else.
Pickles, mustard, ketchup, I better get some olives.
Why am I letting my sandwich decide
what goes into my sandwich?
The only thing I could find for the kitty's sandwich
was this old meatloaf.
Okay sandwich, no more stalling.
Gee, I thought he'd taste better than this.
Almost tastes like Jon's old meatloaf.
You'd think a cute little fella like that would,
no, no don't think like that.
He was a bird.
Cute harmless little birdy.
Now my stomach hurts.
I must have eaten someone who disagreed with me.
Ludlow where are you?
Odie this is all your fault.
Yes yours, you suggested chasing birds.
Because of your suggestion I made a sandwich
out of that cute little bird named Ludlow.
You what?
You ate my boy?
Why is my father dear doing that to the kitty cat?
Ludlow, son!
You're okay!
You haven't been harmed.
I wish I could say that.
Come on, I'm not letting you out of my sight again son.
Goodbye Mr. Kitty Cat.
Let's play again sometime.
I'm bored.
I'm bored and I'm injured.
Injured and bored.
I couldn't move a toenail if my life depended on it.
Come on in Garfield, time to carve the bird.
Carve the bird?
No, no no no!
I don't understand the cat.
I don't try.
I just let him live here.
(soft rhythmic music)
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