Get Smart (1965) s05e15 Episode Script

( dog barks ) Hello, Scotland Yard.
Chief Inspector Sparrow speaking.
I've had no sign of the American CONTROL agent I was supposed to meet.
Are you sure he was given the correct directions? ( trash cans clattering ) Hold on a minute, there's somebody coming.
It may be he.
There'll be bluebirds over the white cliffs of Dover.
That's not uncommon for this time of the year.
A nightingale sang in Berkeley Square.
You don't find too many of them anymore since they removed the statues.
Oh.
Johnny Doughboy found a rose in Ireland.
- To each his own.
- Now we're getting someplace.
You must be Inspector Sparrow, Scotland Yard.
Don't tell me you're Maxwell Smart of CONTROL.
Of course I'm Maxwell Smart.
Why do you think I've been giving you all those passwords? How come you didn't acknowledge them? We don't use old song titles as passwords anymore.
You don't? What do you use? Lyrics from Beatles tunes.
Yes.
Well, Inspector, I understand that you're having a little trouble over here.
That's putting it mildly.
Mr.
Smart, 12 people have been brutally murdered here in London.
That's why we asked your government to send someone to help us.
Well, you can put your mind at ease, Inspector.
- They've sent you their best man.
- ( thuds ) By the way, Inspector, have you any clues as to the identity of the killer? Oh, we know who the killer is, Mr.
Smart.
- It's Jack the Ripper.
- Jack the Ripper? Of course.
Jack's little boy.
Jack the Ripper Jr.
, the son of Jack the Ripper.
No, Mr.
Smart.
Jack the Ripper Sr.
, the original Jack the Ripper.
Inspector, are we talking about the same man? The man who terrorized London at the turn of the century? I know what you're thinking.
"How could he possibly be running around today?" Obviously on very old legs.
The Ripper usually strikes when the city is heavy with fog.
Therefore I don't think he'll strike tonight.
But then again, one can never be too sure when dealing with a deranged killer.
Yes, well, Inspector, I suggest that we start and comb the city.
- Splendid.
We'll start with Hyde Park.
- Oh good, that'll give you a chance - to meet my wife.
- Meet your wife? - Yes, that's where she is.
- In Hyde Park? Yes.
She wanted to take a little stroll in Hyde Park.
And I thought that would be a good idea because I didn't want her to come with me.
I thought it might be dangerous.
Mr.
Smart, you've placed her in the gravest possible danger.
Eight women were murdered while strolling in Hyde Park.
Well, don't worry, Inspector.
She has a gun.
- Thank heavens for that.
- Yes, as a matter of fact, I just had it fixed for her.
You see, the firing pin was a little loo-- ( gunshot ) - Max! - 99, are you all right? I guess so.
Who is he? You'll never believe me when I tell you who that is, 99.
You'll think I'm crazy, that I'm stark raving mad.
In a million years you'll never believe who that is.
That's Jack the Ripper.
Oh.
So that's Jack the Ripper.
Inspector Sparrow, I'd like you to meet my wife, Mrs.
Maxwell Smart.
How do you do, ma'am? I wish we could've met under more pleasant circumstances.
Yes, it is rather foggy tonight.
Is this man really Jack the Ripper? Mrs.
Smart, this is not a man.
You mean this is Jacqueline the Ripper? It's neither a man nor a woman.
It's not even a human being.
- What is it then? - A wax dummy.
( theme music playing ) ( phone ringing ) These men were picked up in the Hyde Park area.
All of them have records.
- What do you think, Mr.
Smart? - The man on the end with the mustache.
Anyone with a face as evil as that had to have something to do with Jack the Ripper.
- The chap on the end, you say? - Yes, definite criminal type.
That's my assistant, Sergeant Poole.
Oh.
He didn't happen to be a criminal before he became a sergeant, did he? I'm sorry, I don't remember seeing any of these men in Hyde Park tonight.
We must be positive, Mrs.
Smart.
Now take a long, hard look.
Nope, their faces are absolutely unfamiliar.
Of course it was very foggy.
Well, we may not have caught the proper fish in our net, - but we did come up with something.
- A candle? Yes, the chap at the end, the one with the scar, had it on him.
Sergeant Poole, dismiss the others.
Hold the man who had the candle.
Well, at least we know one thing.
- It's pretty obvious.
- What's that, Max? Well, the man with the scar is definitely a candlemaker.
- No, he's a pickpocket.
- Oh.
A pickpocket who's a candlemaker on the side? A pickpocket who doesn't believe in electricity? I can tell you one thing he does believe in: that preposterous code all criminals have of refusing to talk.
Getting information out of these devils is like pulling teeth.
I wish Harold Feinberg were here.
- Who's Harold Feinberg? - My dentist.
It'd take more than a dentist to get information out of him, Mr.
Smart.
I wonder if the methods we use at CONTROL would work here.
I'd like to give it a crack, Inspector.
I think you're wasting your time, but go ahead.
- Will you be all right, 99? - Oh, I'll be fine, Max.
- We're in Scotland Yard.
- Oh, good.
Long John Silver.
- What? - He does great impressions.
Name? I asked you your name, fella.
I said what is your name? My name is Maxwell Smart.
Mr.
Smart.
( phone ringing ) - His name is Wiggs.
- Huh? - Wiggs.
- Wiggs.
Yes, I suspected as much.
All right, Biggs, start talking.
You saw how easily I was able to obtain your name.
Now I can just as easily go back over there and get your address and your phone number.
I can keep this up for as long as you can.
Look here, Wiggs, refusing to cooperate with us would seem foolhardy at best.
You know as well as I do there are a number of petty crimes we can attribute to your somewhat dubious talents.
Therefore, cooperating with us would seem most wise.
The inspector's right, Wiggs.
If you don't talk now, it'll be much worse for you later on.
All right.
What do you want to know? That's better.
All right, Smiggs, this candle which was found in your possession when you were taken into custody is made of wax.
- Now don't deny that.
- Deny what? That the ruddy thing's made of wax? lt'd better be.
That's why I pinched it.
- I see.
- So I pinched me a candle.
Yes, but why did you pinch it? Why did I pinch it? Because they turned the bleedin' lights out in me digs.
That's why.
Digs, Mr.
Smart, is the flat where Wiggs resides.
Huh! You can call it a flat.
That ain't what I call it.
All right, Diggs, let's get on with it.
I submit that your whole story is a concoction of fabrications, out-and-out lies, half-truths and fibs! I also submit that this candle was not only taken from Jack the Ripper, but that this candle and Jack the Ripper are both made of wax.
- I did it.
- Did what? You name it, I did it.
I'll confess to anything so long as I don't have to listen to him.
( doorbell buzzes ) Ah, Chief Inspector Sparrow.
Come in, come in.
Good morning, Mr.
Smart.
I don't suppose you and Mrs.
Smart got much sleep after last night's harrowing experience.
Oh, terrible.
Terrible.
One of the worst nights-- tossing, turning, - squirming, screaming for help.
- Poor Mrs.
Smart.
No, that was me.
My wife slept like a log.
Good morning, Inspector.
We were just going to have some tea.
Won't you join us? Oh, that's very kind of you.
It's okay, it came with the room.
I thought this might interest you both.
It's the medical officer's report on our friend from last night.
Of course it's too early yet for a complete autopsy, but-- Mr.
Smart, I think you'll find you can't get more than a cup of tea into a cup of tea.
Yes, well, we have plenty.
I'll take care of it, love.
This report substantiates the fact that Jack the Ripper was made of wax.
That sounds so incredible.
Especially when you consider that a wax figure - committed 12 murders.
- Especially when you consider that.
What do you think, Mr.
Smart? Well, Inspector, I have two questions: one, how do you explain the fact that a man made of wax could commit 12 murders? And two, would you like a cookie? - No.
- No to what? That you can't explain how a man made of wax could commit 12 murders - or that you don't want a cookie? - No to both.
Good, because we don't have any cookies.
However, we did find out one thing.
We ran a check on the three wax museums here in London and came up with a singular discovery-- two of the museums have a Jack the Ripper in their collection, the third one does not.
Now I'd like you both to pose as American tourists and pay a visit to that third museum, find out what you can learn.
What's the name of the museum? Duval's Cave of Wax.
Inspector's voice: It's a somewhat unorthodox establishment specializing in the grotesque.
Why Raoul Duval gave up a brilliant career as a scientist to turn to this line of work remains a mystery.
Be that as it may, his contemporaries agree that he possesses a genius for wax recreations.
Unfortunately, for some time now he's had an infatuation for the macabre.
And more than one onlooker has been shocked out of his or her wits.
( gasps ) Forgive me, madame.
Forgive me, monsieur.
I didn't mean to frighten you, but every day I must have my little jest with the people who are kind enough to visit my cavern of the living dead.
Well, then you must be Ravel Roual-- Roual-- Ral-- Ravolo-- you must be the genius responsible for all this.
I am the genius, yes.
But my name is Raoul Duval.
- What did I say? - I do not dare attempt it, monsieur.
It could destroy my speech pattern for months.
Allow me to be your guide.
This is one of my pride and joys.
It's amazing how lifelike they look.
- Hitler and Tojo, eh? - Oui, monsieur.
There are those who say the Hitler figure is my best work.
Some time ago it disappeared and was missing for a year.
It finally turned up in another wax museum.
- Here in London? - No, in Argentina.
And now, here.
a big favorite.
Yes, they never fail to elicit oohs and ahs.
Pardon me.
Max: This one looks so darn real you almost expect him to reach out and touch you.
It was rumored he did.
A little boy was making a rather large nuisance of himself and he supposedly booted him in the derrière.
You're a very talented man, Monsieur Duval.
Merci beaucoup, madame.
I have a thought.
Perhaps you would be interested in seeing my waxworks where I create the figures you see around you.
- Oh, may we? - I do not usually extend this invitation to my customers, but because I feel you-- you understand and appreciate my work! ( speaks French ) I think you'll find this very interesting.
( liquid bubbling ) How do you like it? Very impressive.
So this is where you make your wax? I would not lean too far over the railing, monsieur.
The boiling wax is well over 400°.
I had an apprentice once.
He leaned over too far and fell into the vat.
In seconds he was encased in wax.
( laughs ) - How terrible.
- Did you call a doctor? - Oh, it was too late for a doctor.
- Well, what did you do? We sold him to a department store.
There! You see? ( laughing ) Well, thank you very much, Monsieur Duval.
That was a very enlightening experience.
Don't you think so, Max? Huh? Yes, I loved every moment of it.
Well, I hope this is not the last time you will honor me with your presence.
- Something wrong? - That tableau that you were standing in when you played your little trick on us, where's the figure that was supposed to be in there? You are most observant, madame.
The key character in this particular tableau required extensive renovation.
Yes, well, unless I miss my guess, that figure would've been - Jack the Ripper? - Why do you say that? Well, a solitary woman in the dead of night with a look of horror on her face-- who else could've caused that reaction except Jack the Ripper? The Werewolf of London, Count Dracula, Bluebeard, Frankenstein's monster.
I mean, besides them.
But you happen to be correct.
This place of honor was occupied by the infamous Jack the Ripper.
Well, thank you very much again.
The pleasure was all mine, madame-- oh, I don't believe you told me your name.
I'm Maxwell Smart and this is my wife, Mrs.
Maxwell Smart.
And where are you staying while in London, Mr.
Smart? - At the Royal, uh-- - At the Royal Park Hotel.
- The Royal Park Hotel.
- Oh yes, I know it well.
- Well, "Bonjour, monsieur et madame.
" - Bonjour.
"Bonjour" and a good day to you, sir.
Come on, 99.
- Who was that? - I'm not sure, but they were a little too observant and nosy to suit me.
Seems to me I've seen them somewhere before.
Oh? Does the name Maxwell Smart mean anything to you? Smart, Smart.
( gasps ) But of course.
They're CONTROL agents.
I have their pictures in my file at KAOS.
And their presence here can only mean they are onto us.
Not necessarily, Monsieur Auerbach.
Suspicious they are, I grant you.
But aware of what we are doing? I think not.
Who will you give life to this time? Another occupant in the chamber of horrors.
Lock the doors.
- It is done.
- Good.
Excellent.
Agent: Tell me, Duval, what would happen if you injected a human with that serum? Instant death.
Strange, is it not? To a human being it brings death, - to a wax figure it gives life.
- ( breathing heavily ) For 12 hours, this loathsome creature will roam London, his wax body breathing life, his mind obeying my every command.
Listen closely, my friend.
You will immediately proceed to the Royal Park Hotel to locate Mr.
and Mrs.
Maxwell Smart.
Then you will kill them.
Now go.
( growls ) Go and kill.
And don't come home late! You know how I worry.
There's no doubt about it, 99, Professor Duval is our man.
But how can you be so sure, Max? Well, it's really quite simple-- instinct, logic and a lack of suspects.
- Max, aren't you awfully warm? - Hmm? Uh, yes.
Well, I'll just open the French windows.
Duval did admit that a Jack the Ripper was missing from his wax museum, but we can't prove anything until we figure out how he can bring a wax figure to life.
Yes, well, if Professor Duval could do that, he'll go down in history.
Or at least in the wax fruit business.
- ( doorbell buzzes ) - I'll get it.
- Good evening, Mrs.
Smart.
- Good evening, Inspector.
Max, the inspector's-- - ( growls ) - ( 99 screams ) ( theme music playing )